Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given

by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing] [cough]

Scatter!

Party!

[Monica] A very important business person

once said: If you do nothing in life...

[running water]

[Monica] well, then you become nothing.

[Stella whimpers]

[Monica] You have to get out there and make it happen.

Come to think of it, it was someone off The Apprentice.

They got fired in the first week, but, [chuckles]

you get the point, don't ya?

It's up to you to get what you want.

If all you want in life is to be needed, then you have to make yourself needed.

Look out for people. Help them when they're struggling.

Always try to do the right thing.

Or... the best way to get people to want, need, and love ya

-is to just... stop short. -[Stella cries]

From Marilyn Monroe to Kurt Cobain: Just... stop... short.

Always... always leave them wanting more.

-[water sloshing] -[indistinct chatter]

-[Monica] Debbie! -[Frank] Debbie!

-[Monica] Stella! -No way!

-The washer's broke! What, again?

-[Stella crying] -Liam!

On me way.

[Monica] Maxine, Carl. Towels!

It's like being on Ward 3C all over again.

[Monica] Maternity?

Geriatrics.

[Liam] Norma!

[grunts] Fucking noise in this place!

[grunts] Well, quick! Let us through!

Can't you shit in a bag in the yard, you fucking tinker?

[Norma] I'm not here for the bog.

Washer's broke. Sorry we disturbed ya.

-Where you going? -Jockey.

No! But I made you breakfast!

[Stella continues crying]

[funky upbeat music]

[narrator on TV] ...be talking about today, storage and shelving.

So, let's get down to it.

We start off with panel boards.

These pine panel boards,

put these together,

will come in around about seven pounds fifty to...

Shit off!

-Watch it lad! -[TV continues in background]

[sighs] What've you dug that out for?

Me and Kel are making us own porn, aren t we?

-Who'd wanna watch you two at it? -We'll make a fortune!

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Make more than your shit toss stories, anyway.

[cries out] I'll fucking kill ya!

Pack it in you two! Stop arsing about!

-[front door slams] -Paddy!

Hiya! Sorry to--

Fuck are you doin', marching in 'ere?

Well, it was on the latch.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be any bother. I just wanted to drop this in.

Well, it is today, in't it?

Yeah, it is.

Thought so.

Here y'are.

Past is history.

Future's a mystery.

Present's a gift.

That's what it should have said, only I'm not very good at icing.

Thanks. It's dead nice of you, that.

And don't worry. I made it with raspberry jam.

'Cos I know Paddy doesn't like strawberry.

Is he around?

Any minute now.

Right.

[tuts] Well.

I'd best leave you to it.

Shall I chuck it?

[Mimi] Don't be so ungrateful!

Take it over there.

And if you drop it, I'll fucking drop you!

Dad'll be back. I know it!

Course he will. It's our anniversary.

He's walk across broken glass, and swim seven seas,

and fucking sprout fucking wings, if needs be.

He'll be 'ere!

Oh, come on, will ya!

I've got a throat like a nun's chuff here.

Fuckin' whatever happened to the 24-hour drinking culture?

Broken fucking dreams!

[heavy rain]

-[punters cheering] -Thank fuck for that!

-[Frank] Come on, Luther, let's get past. -Sorry, Frank.

Invited guests only.

Private fucking function!

-[men groan] -It's pissing down here!

Oh! Now it all adds up, dunnit. Yeah!

Fucking Maguire conspiracy!

Well, we're not gonna take it! This is our pub, we want it back!

Come on, are you with me? Come on, are you with me?

[coughs]

-[grunts] -Yeah. Fuck off will you, spaceman.

-[Kid grunts] I couldn't get his lighter. -Oh, never mind. You got his fags!

Ta-da!

I heard the Jockey was gonna be closed.

Yeah. You heard right.

I thought we could share 'em.

[Frank] You know what thought did, don't ya!

-[water splashing] -[car door slams]

[gasps] Fuckin' hell!

[tense music]

[slurring] Freemasons, golfers, magicians.

Fucking Magic Circle cunts!

Think they can just put up a little sign saying "Private", and that's it.

They've got cart-fucking-blanche

to spend all night fisting each other!

Private fucking function!

Wedding anniversary, innit?

[Debbie] Yeah, Mandy's put us on the guest list.

[Max] Guest list?

-[wedding bells toll faintly] -[indistinct voices]

[Monica] Take you... Francis Vernon Gallagher...

to be my lawful wedded husband.

-[Monica gasping] -[indistinct sounds]

[Debbie] It's a free bar.

[mouthing]

Where you off out?

What's it got to do with you?

Shoppin'.

-You want 'owt? -Fags!

You can't get what I need.

-[banging, tapping] -[Frank grunts]

You want something, you.

Whatever it is, you're not getting it.

[anticipatory music]

Out! Salga!

Come on. Get the fuck out now!

[cries out] You... fucking madman!

What the fuck is... Get the fuck away from the car!

What you want? Your bag?

The bolsa?

Desea su bolsa?

How long have you been in there?

Are you listening to me?

Are you fucking listening to me?

Eh? Who the fuck are ya?

[dramatic music]

[Kelly] Lens cap!

Oh! Oh, yeah!

[Kelly groaning]

[Kelly groans]

Ooh! [groaning]

-[Shane] Ah, for fuck's sake! -[Kelly] Hang on a sec.

[groaning continues]

[louder groaning]

[screams like Native American Indian]

[shrill groaning]

Peg! But I could've been done for smuggling.

Or trafficking, whatever it is.

You hid... a kid.

[no audio]

You hid a fucking deaf kid in the car!

What am I supposed to do with him, Peg?

Peg!

Leave me alone.

Read my lips, and...

Look. Danny.

Your Auntie Peg asked me to take you to your Grandad's house. Yeah?

[zipper opens]

Fuck this. I just meant to bring the car back. I didn't sign up for this.

What? Do you think you can buy me?

Come on!

Oi! Oi! Oi, Danny! Oi? What you doing?

[dramatic music]

-That's the last one. -No...

[Monica] But...

I do have another little something for ya.

-Oh, yeah? -Mmm.

Whatever it is you want, you're not getting it.

[Monica breathing heavily]

[both groaning]

-You're not getting it! -[Monica groaning]

Still not having it.

[Monica groaning]

-That's it. [grunts] -[Frank murmurs]

-[Frank grunts] Ow! -[Monica grunting]

[children singing] ♪ We're the very best at being bad ♪

♪ We're the very best at being bad ♪

Are you all right there, darling?

No!

No!

It must be all right. You gave it to me.

[gasps]

-[panicked breathing] -[Maureen] Shh, shh, shh.

-Shush now. -[Paddy grunts]

-Please... Stop. -Shh.

I can't.

I can't. Not anymore.

I just... Please.

Stop.

It's okay. It's okay.

I think it's time.

Time to stop.

["Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John playing]

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ When I was down I was your clown ♪

♪ Right from the start I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Whoa, I gave you my heart ♪

Where the fuck is Dad?

Still in Spain's my bet. He'll be having a great time.

Well, he needs to be here.

If only for her sake.

-[cheering] -[female singer] Thank you!

-Cheers! -Thank you. Thank you very much.

Okay. Our next number is one of my favourite songs.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

-Not again! -Again!

[cheering]

["Don't Go Breaking My Heart" playing]

Guest list only.

It's alright. He's with me. I didn't mean...

Just a bottle, please.

[male singer] ♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

[female singer] ♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

My very own John Holmes. [giggles]

[male singer] ♪ Oh honey if I get restless ♪

[female singer] ♪ Baby, you're not... ♪

Shane?

[Kelly] That's the end.

The wardrobe!

[female singer] ♪ You take the weight off of me ♪

-Little bastard! -I'll kill him!

-Die! -[Frank, Monica groaning, grunting]

I wanna word with you!

[anti-theft alarm bleeping]

Suspected shoplifter moving down escalator. Over.

[male officer] Can you give us a description? Over.

[female shop keeper] Suspect is heavily-pregnant teenager.

Black skirt, grey top, black jacket.

'Scuse me, love! 'Scuse me!

My baby! Someone's taken my baby!

-[security] It's all right! -It's my baby, she's gone!

-I turned round and she was gone! -What's she look like?

Um... a baby!

-Pram or what? -Uh... yeah.

-What colour? Quickly! -Um... Black!

Uh, bluey, greeny, reddy.

Libby, where are ya?

Okay. Come on, come on. Come on.

[both groaning]

I'm sorry!

I just wanted to know what everyone's doing.

You know, when they go to their bedrooms, and...

[Monica groaning]

Right, well, I'll, uh,

best be getting back to the Jockey then, aren't I?

[Kelly] I'll catch you up.

Soon as we've had a little chat about the birds and the bees.

-[Frank, Monica moaning] -[Monica] Let me have it.

Hey, Frank. You gonna let me have it?

What is it? What d'you want?

D'you want it? D'you want me, Frank?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Say it.

[Frank grunts] I fuckin' love you, Monica Gallagher.

Yeah!

Oh, don't stop. Don't stop, Mon! What you stopped for?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck? Monica!

If you have all your sweets at once, you'll be sick.

You what?

Always leave 'em... wanting more.

[Max] It, um, it must be on the other camera.

This is the other camera. Think we're gonna have to call the police.

-No! -[knocking at door]

[Debbie] Thank you.

Hiya!

-I'm from next door. -[Max grunts]

[Max] We've got a party to get to!

[indistinct voices approaching]

[Debbie gasps]

[girls giggle]

[giggling]

-[giggling] -Shh.

[Norma] What you doing?

Letting the sunshine in.

[Frank] You're mental!

I'm not mental!

[Frank] He's a kid!

You're trying to seduce a poor lickle kid.

-I wasn't trying to... -Hey! Mrs. Mental,

curtsey before your queen, Queen Mental of the fucking mentalists.

Oh, that's it. Run away.

I am not running away.

I've got a party to go to at the Jockey.

Why didn't you say so?

[ethereal music]

Have you got hollow legs or something?

Cheeky twat.

I what?

I talk. Speak.

I speak sign. Do I speak sign?

Why? Because I understand that?

[scoffs]

Come on. I've got big plans.

Made big plans tonight.

[funky upbeat music]

Yeah, great. I win again. That's another 500 quid you owe me.

You nutter.

[rock music playing on stereo]

[gasps]

You all right?

Just been dreaming. D'you fall off a wall?

[rock music continues]

And she says to the guy, "I'm here about the clit-licking frog".

And the guy turns around and goes, "Well, bonjour, Madame."

[laughter]

Hey! Can you sing "Over the Hills and Far Away"?

["Don't Go Breaking My Heart" playing again]

I usually only like that opera singer with cancer, but this has grown on me.

It's Paddy's favourite song.

♪ 'Cause nobody showed us ♪

[toilet flushes]

There you are.

You all right?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

D'you think Dad's all right?

Yeah. He's all right.

How d'you know?

I'd have heard if he'd been kidnapped, tortured, beaten and murdered.

I would hear these things.

So, what is it then? Another woman?

Another woman?

'Appens all the time.

Not to these two, it don't.

They're solid as a rock.

You don't...

He worships ya.

Could be another woman.

[Mandy] Probably not, though. Eh?

[Mimi grunts]

There you go.

Car and grandson delivered safe and sound.

[paper rustling]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah. [chuckles] No problem, mate. You take care of yourself, yeah?

Danny! Oi! Oi.

Danny! How d'you say goodbye?

[chuckles]

[old lady] Are you Mormons?

[gasps] No.

You look like Mormons.

[knock at door]

[old lady] Are you sure you're not Mormons?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Yeah.

We don't want Mormons around here.

Maybe her at number 28 will let you in, but stay away from mine.

Number 16.

And don't bother No. 14, either.

They've got a backward kiddie living with 'em.

[knocking]

And there's no point in him knocking on there.

The old feller that lived there died last week!

[dramatic music]

-[Monica] Your tea. -Thanks.

[door opens]

-All right, Mon? -[Monica] Going for a bath?

Aye. Running late and all, what with the washer and everything.

Off out anywhere nice?

Just the Maguire do at the Jockey, you know?

-Are you not going? -[smirks] Haven't been invited.

Ah. just turn up. You'll be allright. I'm sure nobody will notice you, anyway.

-What was that for? -Old times [giggles]

Well, you'd best go and get ready.

See ya!

-[applause, cheering] -[female singer] Thank you.

[male singer] Thank you very much! Right, then.

We've now reached a very special point in the celebrations.

Oh, yes! Let's get the happy couple up here.

Come on, let's hear it for Mimi and Patrick.

[applause, cheering]

[male singer] Here she is! Come on.

Here she is, Darling.

She's a little cracker! [chuckles]

[female singer] Brace yourself, Mimi. We've got a little surprise for you.

[church bells ringing

So, where's the lucky fella, then? Where is he?

Don't be shy, Patrick?

Where are you, Patrick?

-[tense music] -[church bells continue ringing]

[Mimi crying]

[electrical interference crackles]

-[groaning from video] -[laughter]

[screams like Native American Indian]

[cheering from punters]

That's not the angle we filmed it from!

-Well, ho else would have filmed us? -[laughter, jeering from punters]

[groaning on video]

He wouldn't have done it on his own.

Who else would have helped him?

-[moaning continues] -[jeering continues]

Proper... dirty!

[both laugh]

[Micky] I was only having a laugh! I was gonna give you a cut and everything.

Shane please! I'm getting a headache.

What time is it?

[sighs]

Shall we?

Well, there's no point in staying here.

[door unlatches]

[girls giggle]

Where is everybody?

We could take it all.

Yeah, if we could walk through locked doors.

Every single thing.

We could fill your house with it!

-[door clicks] -[walkie talkie crackling]

[Debbie] Quick, someone's coming!

[machine guns firing through video game]

Off out?

Just getting some bread.

Okay.

[machine guns firing through video game]

See you later, kid.

[dramatic music]

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ I'm so glad you found your way ♪

♪ And should you find yourself in disarray-y-ay ♪

♪ I've got a place in my heart Where you can stay ♪

♪ I made a space in my heart, Where you may wanna lay-y-ay ♪

[sighs heavily]

Hello?

[machine guns firing through video game]

Hello?

Ian! [laughs]

Yeah! You all right?

I knew you'd come back.

I'm only here for a couple of days.

This is Danny.

All right?

He's deaf.

[Liam] I've got an X-Box.

There's a deaf girl in our school.

Wanna kill some zombies?

[bag thuds]

Where is everyone?

[Liam] The Jockey!

[murmurs] 'Course.

[Liam] Except Debbie. She's gone shopping with Max.

Who?

And Mum.

She's nipped out for some bread.

[machine guns firing through video game]

Bread?

[banging at door]

Hang on!

[Norma] Ian?

What are you doing 'ere?

I heard you banging.

-In Ibiza? -Monica's gone.

Gone?

Get everyone from the pub. Tell 'em, Monica's gone for bread.

Go on, quick!

[emotive music]

Mimi?

[sniffles]

Monica, she wouldn't just go like that. Not again.

Wonder if it's a bird or a fella this time.

[Mimi sobs[

Past is history...

future's a mystery.

[Mimi sobbing]

[emotive music continues]

She's not fit to be called a mother.

Yeah, well, we all knew she's fuck off again.

Shh!

-He needs to be told. -What, like deaf boy needs to be told

his grandad's dead?

[Stella crying]

What am I supposed to do. Just tell him, then?

"Good luck, Danny. Fuck off." See ya.

-It's what you did to us. -Piss off! That's completely different.

No... It's good that you're back, kid, y'know, for... Stella and that.

I'm not staying,

and I'm gonna be stuck here looking after kids.

-But I should? -[Stella screaming]

They're your kids!

-[Liam] Ow! What was that for? -[Stella crying loudly]

He said Mum's gone.

And you told him...

[Liam] His grandad's dead.

[dramatic music]

Danny! Danny!

Danny, it's all right! Danny, it's all right.

-It's all right! -[Danny sobbing]

[Ian] It's all right!

[emotive music]

[whispers] Come here.

Wouldn't it be great if all the clothes in here were ours.

It'd just be like the best thing in the world, ever.

Yeah, but when and where would we ever wear any of it?

What? Down the Jockey? Or outside the chip shop? Mmm?

It's just all so...

Not us?

Yeah. It's not us.

Well, someone must like this stuff.

Someone does!

[dramatic music]

[gasp, laugh]

Don't wanna see you here again. All right?

-[Max] Don't worry, you won't. -[girls laughing]

Has anyone ever told you, that you look like one of the Sugababes?

-No. -Well, you do.

-Really? -[Max] Mmm-Hmm.

You know, if you, um, if you went a little higher with your blusher,

you'd get more definition.

[girls laughing]

-Did you know? -'Kin 'ell!

Did ya?

-What? -Paddy and Monica? Did you know?

Paddy and Monica?

They're together, aren't they?

Paddy? And Monica?

Paddy? And Monica?

Paddy? And Monica?

[glass shattering]

I'm not coming in. I can't. I fly back out tomorrow, and...

I don't wanna do this. Sorry. I've gotta get off.

Be myself. No responsibility, ya know?

[grunts, sucks in breath]

[groans]

Yeah. You did that. You might well look sheepish, you twat.

What?

I'll call your aunty and tell her what 'appened.

You take care of yourself. All right?

Yeah. And you.

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

-[dog barks] -[dramatic music]

She's always been a bit... loose.

Think she had a thing with the midwife when Carl was born.

Paddy...

Paddy had a "thing" once.

Before we were married.

-But you were together? -[Mimi] Yeah.

I don't think he even kissed this other girl, or anything.

But he... but he thought about it.

He swore to me he wasn't interested in her. But I smelt it on him.

And then I said to him, "If you ever think about it again,

think about another woman, then I just want you to go with her.

Don't ever come back. Just go."

[emotive music]

-He's not with Monica. -How d'you know?

I'd bet she'd wanna be with him, but Paddy wouldn't wanna be with her.

You're a woman.

Monica's a child.

[Frank sighs]

[Mimi crying]

[upbeat disco music]

[Ian laughs]

[shrill discordant music]

Oh, aye. Where the hell 'ave yous two been? Eh?

Uh... shopping.

Did we miss anything?

No.

[Max screams] No!

[Stella crying]

That hungry, I could eat me face.

Chips!

-Leave it Carl! -It's mine, Norma!

It's the last slice.

-[Stella cries] -There's never any bread!

Airport, yeah?

[pop music playing on car stereo]

Can you turn it down, mate?

'Scuse me!

[pop music continues loudly]

Danny?

[sighs] Not that you can hear me.

What am I supposed to do?

[hinges squeak]

[Ian] Fuck!

Fuck! Oh! Fuck!

[shouting]

The fuck are you doing, you mental bastard?

Oh!

You completely shit me up!

I thought you were dead.

I thought you were fucking dead, you dickhead!

Yes! You're a dickhead.

I can guess what that means. What are you doing?

A bath? What, lying under water?

Safe? You feel safe?

[sighs]

Get dressed.

I'll get you something to eat.

[sighs]

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

It's not for ever, do you understand?

I spoke to your Aunty Peg

and as soon as she can get someone to take over from me

I'm off. Okay?

I don't wanna be stuck with you for the rest of my life.

You don't wanna be stuck with me?

[laughs] You're such a twat.

[water running]

-Liam! -[Stella crying]

On me way.

You all right, then?

All right, kid?

[Debbie] Yeah. I am now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Give us a break. I've had a right night of it.

Yeah, and morning! Where've you been?

-[disco music plays] -Erasure?

[cheering]

[milk bottles rattling]

-[Stella continues crying] -Nowhere.

She's had her breakfast and lunch. Just needs her nappy doing.

Oh. I'm shattered. [grumpily] Can someone else do it?

[Stella continues crying]

What are you skriking at?

[funky upbeat music]

[Monica] We all want to be remembered after we're gone, don't we?

Good night.

[Monica] And if you haven't anyone who'll put a plaque on a bench for ya

then you've got to work harder.

You've got to learn to do the right thing.

Care for people. Help them.

[smirks]

[Monica] Cos if you don't

then maybe no-one will remember ya.

[coughs]

Ah, you filthy fuck, you.

Go on, get the fuck out. I'll kick your arse, you filthy git.

[coughing continues]

Go on! Get the fuck out!

[coughing continues]

-[car horns honking] -[sirens wailing]

[laughter]

[children singing] ♪ We could've been Anything that we wanted to be ♪

♪ But don't it make your heart glad? ♪

-[eerie scream] -[singing continues]

♪ We're the very best at being bad ♪

[Monica] Maybe no one will care if you lived or died.

Do your bit.

Make yourself worth something, and then get out quick,

before they take the piss.

And always, always...

leave 'em wanting more.

[Liam] Aunty Iris is dead.

I'm leaving it all to you and the kids.

-We're minted! -Yeah!

Flee the fucking nest, then. The lot of ya.

Where the fuck have you been?

D'you know, Mimi thinks you've got cancer.

Don't be afraid to say it.

-[man grunts] -[door slams]

-[Kelly] Not again! -You're a prostitute!

Candy from a baby.

You moving out, yeah?

Oh, I see, bad news travels as fast as a skitter down a waste pipe.

-[Karen] You should have a party. -[Frank] Party!

So, how d'you end up marrying a Maguire, then?

Well, you gotta settle for what you can get.

-[Maureen screams, whimpers] -Big mistake lettin' me go.

This addiction will not defeat me, you bitch!

[groaning]

[groaning from video]

[both groaning, grunting on video]

-[grunts] -[cheering from video]

[grunts]