Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given

by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing] [cough]

Scatter!

Party!

[Monica] I wrote a poem.

There was a young woman from Chatsworth

Who had dreams, ambitions, and other stuff

-But she lost her good cheer... -[Frank snoring]

[Monica] and ended up here... [sighs]

But I can't finish it. Can't think of the last line.

Frank, she's gone over. We've got time.

-[snoring] -Don't need any foreplay.

I can get myself going. A quick in and out will do.

Yeah, yeah... Go on.

-Knock yourself out. -[cloth flapping]

[snoring]

Oh, Christ! [sighing]

[Carl in distance] Ah! Come on!

At least somebody's getting some.

-[baby crying] -[Monica sighs deeply]

[groaning]

[panting]

Agh! Come on!

-[urine trickling] -[knocking at door]

-[Debbie] Carl! -Fuck off!

I'm touching cloth here!

-I'm having a piss. -What, for 40 minutes?

Really?

-It's been 40 minutes? -Duh!

Yeah, well I've got a big bladder.

Carl!

[man] That's your lot.

You'll have to wait, I can't find the gin.

Down there, on the left.

Feel free to roll your tongue back in.

Suppose there's no chance of a quickie? Go on, for old times' sake?

-I'm a married woman. -Not even a hand job?

[Mandy] Not unless you want to take your knob home in a jiffy bag.

-The sister-in-law? -Shut up.

[Karen] He's harmless.

Listen, I wanted to ask...

You don't mind if I have someone stay over Friday night?

Course not, why would I?

No.

Right!

"Stay over."

Course. You live here an' all.

It's the first time... You know.

Fuck off!

You haven't shagged him yet? What are you, a nun?

Is it compulsory to use your knickers as ankle-warmers

on your first date these days?

All right, no need to get your chastity belt in a twist.

Not another word from me.

Any road, we'd better get our skates on.

Carl!

[Maxine] All right, sexy. Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we?

Fuck off, I'm late!

[door slams]

-Thought we were going in town! -I've got nothing to wear.

You've got nothing to wear to go clothes shopping?

Got no money, either. D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it?

[Maxine] Battle of the sexes, gorgeous.

By the time you're old enough to realise you're in a war

you'll have already lost it.

What is it with girls and touching? You don't always have to be touching!

And you shouldn't be shop-lifting either!

[Frank] All right, son?

-No! -Good.

[Maxine] All right, Mr G?

Pleased to see me?

-Careful what you wish for, cheeky. -[Monica] Oh, yeah?

So now you're feeling frisky?

[stammering] Well... it's just a laugh.

Five minutes.

Oi! Show some respect!

I hate this. Gives me t'creeps.

Don't worry, Scrappy Doo'll protect you.

It's an annual pilgrimage.

Mimi sits here all day, we get excused after an hour.

I'm all dressed up so's I can stand out here

freezing me knackers off for an hour?

Apparently, blood's thicker than water.

It's not thicker than fucking voddie, though, is it?

[laughing]

-What for? -[Kelly grunting] [coughing]

[Joe] Fine, speak to you later. Ta-ra.

State of him!

Hey, saw that new girl of yours.

Only went into a shop for a pint of milk, and there she is.

I mean, for a hooker. All that fucking hair!

Biggest turn-off going. About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.

[Mimi] What the fuck?

It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it.

-Look at how upset it's making him! -[Jamie coughing]

He's not grieving, he's hung over.

[Jamie vomiting]

Clear it up, now.

Now.

[yelling] Now!

Fuck!

Sorry!

[gasps]

I was bringing you a cuppa, see if I could work in some small-talk...

Think we've gone beyond that.

[moaning]

Fuck! Shit! Stop!

[girl] What?

I didn't know. I'm sorry!

What, him? He's not my bloke, he's my brother.

We share the house. Hurry up, before I lose me erection.

Well... But isn't it weird him being there?

Since when was watching against the law?

[upbeat music]

[Kelly] It's a fucking joke.

Not family enough to visit the grave,

but it's all hands to the pump to scrub the bastard!

It's cos you're girls, you do a better job.

[punch]

-Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again. -We're leaving.

-Lightweight. -Fuck off, Micky!

You sure you'll be all right?

This can never happen again.

[Paddy] It won't, angel.

I promise.

Here you go.

-It's only 20. -I know.

Weather we're having, expect I'll need done again before the week's out.

[Carl] No problem.

I said to your dad, "No way that's a turkey,"

but Bernie the butcher swore by it.

Suppose they do look similar, though... Plucked.

A turkey, and a swan.

So, not the best Christmas.

Poor cow.

[Mimi] Why's it always the mothers that bear the burden?

C'mon, having a bite here.

[kiss] You can have a bite of me. [chuckles]

[splash]

I've got sauce on me now.

[foot tapping]

What?

What?

I want... [sighs] I need a bit of intimacy.

I'm not just a fucking baby machine.

Yeah, but, you know, the timing's wrong.

Yeah... The timing's always wrong.

No... [stuttering]

No, I mean, you're still, you know, carrying a bit of baby fat, aren't you?

So I would have thought you...

You wouldn't want to flaunt it.

I'm still a woman, I still need love. Seven kids I've given you!

When have I ever cast it up?

Ever!

-[Monica shouting] You bastard! -[smashing] [clanging]

Hey, nobody's saying you've got to be Liz Hurley.

Fuck you, you fucker!

But you're not eating for two anymore, are you?

I'll fucking show you fucking love handles!

-Would you rather I lied to you? -Piss off! You twat!

[Frank] Oh, here we go, another pair.

Female of the species.

Victims of biology and the unbearable lightness of shopping.

Oh, and whose fault is it? Societal pressure created by men!

[door opens]

-[door slams] -[exhales]

Oh, come on, then!

What's the view from the leaf-blowing brigade?

You really are a useless prick, aren't you?

I'm not.

Just think what that woman's given up for you.

What, you? Giant fucking Yoda in a shell suit?

That's right, revert to your default position.

Abusive.

Don't examine your own behaviour, whatever you do,

because you're a great catch, aren't you, Frank?

Husband, helper, lover...

[sighs]

You're going to lose her.

No, I'm not.

[laughs loudly]

[car door slams]

Ey, don't fucking laugh at me, cos it's the lowest form of wit.

D'you mind? The ladies' loos are flooded.

-No. -[door shuts]

Sorry. I don't really need to go, it's just...

What?

When was the last time you did a bit of gardening?

I know it's none of my business, but, it's your big date on Friday,

and I know it's been a long time, and Joe said...

-Joe said what? -About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.

That he doesn't like hairy women.

They're totally disgusting and it makes him wanna puke.

[Mandy] A fucking Barbie doll, Smooth bump at the front?

It's natural.

What kind of person thinks body hair is disgusting,

a massive turn-off?

[Karen] The hoops we fucking jump through!

[water dripping]

I just thought you'd wanna know!

-You all right, mate? -Yeah, grand.

What?

Well, this is really fucking weird, because she's me sister, but...

Well, I know it's your big night Friday.

-She doesn't like hairy men. -What?

She doesn't like men with hair.

-What, you mean-- -Jesus, no!

It'd look like a one-eyed turkey, plucked and ready for the oven!

Your chest.

Well, I've seen you after games, you're not exactly lacking, are ya?

-She really hates it? -[laughs] Disgusts her.

Doesn't think she could be with a hairy guy.

Sorry, mate.

[groaning]

How was that?

Stanley Waterman,

if muff-diving were an Olympic sport, you'd be a national fucking hero.

-Do you hang weights off your tongue? -Your turn.

[sighs] I'm knackered, Stan. There's no way I could work up the energy.

[grunts] If you don't mind me saying,

but you're always too knackered when it's my turn, these days.

Am I? It's your own fault.

-You're too bloomin' good. -Yvonne...

-Yvonne? -It's the wart, Stan.

[sighs]

The wart.

-I thought you hadn't noticed. -Noticed?

It's almost had me eye out five times.

It's like your bell-end's grown another head.

It's only a wart, love.

They can easily be removed. Like a verruca. Tssst!

-It's rubbish, innit? -No, it's just...

This bit about: "Running his tongue round her burning Volvo"

[Ady] It's a typing error, right?

Well, I used spell-check. I'm no good with the Latin words.

And same when she gives him "a blow-dry".

Oh, no, I meant that.

-She's an hairdresser. -Oh!

Oh, yous hate it.

-No, we don't, it's just-- -[Zeta] It's a bit gay, Micky.

How is this gay?

"He bent her over the cement mixer,

spread her arse cheeks wide, and slid the length of his girder inside.

The only sound interrupting her moans

was the rattle of her hard hat inside the empty mixer,

as it went round, and round, and round, and round."

-It's a building site. -So?

You get women builders.

[Zeta] Straight or not,

I'm as wet as a fisherman's sou'wester just listening to it,

upstairs, the pair of ya.

-[Ady] Oh!

Ahh!

Sorry about that. [panting]

It's all right, happens.

It's just bad timing,

you two coming first. Again!

She's not stupid, you know.

She must be if she thinks you're still in the closet.

-Shut up! -[water running]

That's how you're into swinging, innit?

You're a poof trapped in a straight marriage.

Hey, I'm not a poof.

Yeah?

So how come you've got a stiffie as soon as she left the room?

I love her.

When was the last time you had straight sex with her?

Micky...

I think I love you, too.

[mellow music]

Well, tomorrow...

we have this out.

The three of us.

What are you doing?

I am helping.

Oh, god... Oh! Fuck's sake!

Looking foxy, Mrs G.

Thank you, Maxine.

[Stella cries]

-What's up with your mum? -[sighs] General or specific?

General, she wasn't born into the Royal Family.

Specific, she's 43 going on 14.

-I'm pissing. -What, all day, every day?

-[grunts] -Debs, wait.

I'll just unload, shall I?

I can't piss.

-You're getting plenty of practice. -No, I mean...

I can't... piss.

A little bit comes out, but it hurts like fuck.

And it itches all the time.

-You use a condom, don't ya? -Of course I do.

Usually.

-You've got an STD. -Have I fuck!

Fine, you haven't.

-What should I do? -Clinic.

No way!

[Liam] Stay back!

-[Debbie] No! -[smashing]

-[Stella cries] -[Debbie] I'm OK, everything's fine!

[water running]

Oh, fuck!

-[Stella crying] -[Frank] Shut up, Stella!

[Lillian] All right, love?

Yeah, thanks, Lillian.

If you don't mind me saying, you're looking a bit mental.

Am I?

Sure you haven't got some of that post-natal depression?

She could be right, you know, Monica.

You don't seem quite yourself.

And what is "meself", then, Yvonne?

Dressing like a sofa

and munching down HRT, cos I'm past me sell-by date?

Don't be soft!

With bosoms like these

you've got 20 years of good handling of you yet.

I'm not mental just because I want to be treated like a woman.

You can probably take your hands off now, Lillian.

[Lillian] They were persecuted

in ancient times, hypnotists.

Folk used to think it were black magic.

[Monica] It's probably just a tacky sex show.

Pub hypnotists are all the same.

-[Shane] So you're not going? -[Monica] Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna get there early, get a seat down the front.

[Norma] It's a science of the future, mind-control.

Some people even see it as an art. Who's to say?

The paying fucking public.

[Kelly] Seven quid a ticket, he'd better be an artist.

[Lillian] They used to think Houdini

hypnotized himself, so he could hold his breath.

Till he drowned, of course.

Then the theory lost some of its credibility.

Our mam was hypnotized once.

Wonder if that's why she thinks she's a Scouser.

[text message tone]

She is a fucking Scouser!

[Norma] Course, all art is subjective.

You know that tennis poster, of the...

of the lass lifting her skirt to scratch a single, perfect...

round buttock.

We have to go.

-I've still got half me- -[Kelly] Now!

Classic image, that is. [puffs]

[Karen] I used me dad's razor the first time I did it.

Used his aftershave an' all.

That was a once-only experiment.

-You sure you've done this before? -Yeah.

One summer, I did me mate's like the faces of the Take That boys.

Except Gary Barlow, of course.

-She must've been a hairy girl. -Not really. Mark Owen's only little.

Maybe I should go to a salon.

And drop 40 quid to let some spotty teenager stare up your muff?

Come on, get 'em off!

Are you sure this is the best way to do it?

How should I know?

Not my missus who's got a fetish for baldy.

Not natural though, is it?

Yeah, blame Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

We live in the era of the girly man.

Yeah, well, I'd fucking hate to look like that.

-Can you do it? -Fuck right off!

I can't get the angles right, looking in the mirror.

[whispers] Please.

Nobody gets to hear about this.

[Debbie] That's half my wardrobe, Liam! These aren't stolen.

I don't want them in the house, it's bad karma.

[Stella crying]

-[door opens] -[Frank] Who the fuck?

[door slams]

-What you doing? -Well, assisting.

Being less than useless.

More importantly, what the fuck is this garment doing in my house?

Didn't we bring them up right?

I don't care.

[Mandy in distance] Oh! Holy God in Heaven!

Everything all right?

Yeah. You?

Fine.

-What you up to? -Nothing.

You?

Not much.

Argh!

-You said you'd done this before! -I have. It's been a while, that's all.

[gasps] I thought you were an expert.

Did your mate's with the Take That boys.

I never said it was a good likeness.

Feels like you used sticky sandpaper!

-I think I'm bleeding! -Don't be so soft.

Women have suffered for beauty since the dawn of time and...

we've only just started.

-Get back! -Ugh!

[screaming]

[Joe] Christ almighty!

Jamie, summat wrong?

No. Sound as a pound.

Okay.

-Me nipple! I think you've cut it off! -You shouldn't twitch so much.

No wonder, with the barber of fucking Seville shaving me chest.

Oh, don't be such a baby!

It's only a nipple, you've got another one.

[Joe grunting]

[Kelly] Your brother fancies me. He wants to fucking do me.

And not straight on and off either, he wants to spank me!

You can't hurt him, Shane. He's your brother.

I'm not gonna hurt him.

I feel sorry for him.

-I'm not sure how to take that. No, I mean, I don't blame him.

How could he not fancy you?

Karen's a nice girl and all, but...

she'll never be a "you."

You taking the piss?

No.

You could be a model.

In fact, you make half the models in magazines look like dogs.

I do own a mirror, Shane.

And, while it tells me that, yes, I am a fucking knock-out,

I don't think Kate Moss should be quivering in her Jimmy Choos.

-You're gonna have to put him off. -How?

I'm completely bald! You said Brazilian!

There must be bald Brazilians. Who's the one that bends the free kicks?

Bald is all the rage. Brazilian's so '90s.

I am not interested in fanny fashion!

And it's not supposed to hurt this much either.

I suppose I should've used alcohol-free wipes.

Tea tree's the best, I think.

On the plus side, you could stuff a cushion with these.

[video camera beeping]

[Paddy] Has she given you the old heave-ho, then? Permanent?

-Or is it just a lovers' tiff? -What?

Your girlfriend.

Well, you've been spending so much time there of late,

I expected this to be a solo mission.

Yeah.

Take her to see the Hypnotist at The Jockey tomorrow night.

Laughter's a rare remedy.

-Yeah, maybe. -Don't be a doormat.

I'll talk her round. [chuckles]

Never underestimate the wisdom of the old fella, son,

when it comes to the ladies.

I cast my net far and wide before I met your mother.

Excellent.

Shh!

[suspenseful music]

[Micky] What's she doing?

I couldn't say, Michael.

-I'll grab her. -Just wait.

I'm fucking gorgeous! I'm in me prime, you bastard!

[Liam clears throat]

Corrie's on. Thought you might want to know.

Be down in a minute.

Hiya.

Hi. It really burns when I piss,

and most of the time I can't piss, so I've got this really throbbing pain.

And I'm itching so much that I'm scratching myself raw.

I do this two days a week until they can get me full-time at McDonald's, so...

you probably wanna wait for a doctor to examine you.

-Just your name, for now. -Carl Gallagher.

[Carl] You all right, Stan?

-[Stan] All right, Carl. -What you in for?

Nothing, you know.

You've got genital herpes or something.

Hey, it gives you an itchy arse, that. Read about it.

No, I mean, nothing like that, it's just a small personal...

I haven't got an infection,

I've just got a small nubbin on the end of me...

A bit of diplomacy, eh, about us seeing each other here?

I've only got chlamydia. It's like the Stockport County of VDs.

Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl.

-It can lead to infertility... -[tense music]

premature birth, whole load of nasty things.

You've got to tell them, Carl, any girls you've been with.

It's important.

-You all right, Tina? -[Carl groans]

[smacking]

-Not today, Micky. -We're supposed to have a chat.

Me and Ady had the chat. We didn't need you present.

It's okay, I'll handle it.

Honest.

Faggot.

Which one of us are you talking to?

She gave me an ultimatum, made me choose.

What, and you chose her?

-[sighs] -You're even gayer than I am!

Look, we can still see each other. Just not when she knows.

No, mate.

-I don't think so. -Why?

Cos I prefer a bit more spine.

You're too pussy-whipped.

-Micky -No, mate.

I deserve better.

I deserve fucking better.

-What you doing? -Going to see the hypnotist at The Jockey.

Not in that top, you know that's mine.

Stolen.

It's mine!

It's only a top, Debs.

-What about Stella? -Well, Liam can look after--

Don't even think about it! You can't leave a baby with a nine-year-old boy.

Fine! I'll stay in, again!

Like the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda!

What you doing? Don't!

[Stella cries]

Debbie!

Thanks' a fuckin' bunch, Stan!

[balalaika playing]

[knock on door]

[sighs]

Good evening, madam. Do you believe in the living Christ?

After this week, absolutely not.

Wait... My soul might be lost,

but me son's is definitely up for grabs.

Ten.

Do I look like immigrant labour?

[buffs]

20 then, but that's for the whole night.

I'm not changing any more nappies.

Just keep them talking, all right?

I'll give you some privacy.

I've just got a quick point to make to me husband.

Have fun!

[clapping and chattering]

[Damien] Now, Carl is your husband.

-Lillian is your lesbian lover. -[crowd laughing]

And Norma is Brad Pitt.

[all cheer and laugh]

-[Damien] In the nude! -[all] Yeah!

[Damien] Yeah, and... wake!

Lillian, what you doing here? Carl will find out.

Oh, my God, Brad Pitt!

You're everything I imagined...

and more!

[Norma] It is not amusing to put me in this position.

A penis is an aggressive appendage!

[all cheer and laugh]

[Frank] Marital strife, and an imaginary knob.

Passes for entertainment, does it?

-[Jamie] All right, Shane? -[Shane] Yes, mate.

-All right, Kelly? -Yeah, magic.

[snorts]

Can I have a lager, and a vodka-tonic, please?

You... You've got something on your...

Oh, yeah, me falser.

It seems to run when it's me time of the month.

And, Jesus, am I on!

-It's like someone turned a tap on-- -All right, Kelly!

Pint and a vodka tonic, was it?

What you doing?

Don't worry, I've got a sitter, so remove the gun from me head.

Who?

You fucking peck away at me like a hen, you know that, Debbie?

Seven of you I've brought up, and not one of you has ever

had the good grace to pay me the tiniest little compliment!

When your responsibilities in life extend beyond

"Which sleeveless top shall I rob?"

Then you can question my parenting skills! All right?

[indistinct conversation]

-[kiss] -Two bottles of lager, Karen.

[groans] Auch!

Sorry.

Just a little bit sensitive. Must be all the excitement.

Just gonna nip the loo.

You might at least wait till the lad comes back.

Only real fundamentalists still adhere to the notion

that God physically created the world in seven days.

It's metaphorical.

Do you know what a metaphor is?

Don't you think it's hypocritical of the Church

to insist on creationism for centuries,

only to jump on the intelligent design bandwagon now?

[clucking like a chicken]

[Damien] And now you're a monkey!

[makes monkey noises]

[Shane] You're hypnotizing her all the time! Hypnotize some locals!

-[woman] You're as greasy as your hair! -[man] Come on!

Some people are more susceptible to hypnotism than other people, so...

You're fucking at it, you are.

What about this gallant young lad?

Yeah, that's more like it!

[all cheering]

And this lovely lady.

-Me? -[Damien] Yes.

Come on, folks, come on. Give them a hand.

[cheering and clapping]

-Move it. -What?

Come on.

You, little lady, are exquisite.

Anybody can say the right words. It's not rocket science, is it?

Feel heavy, feel heavy.

-[sighs] -[Damien] Ssh!

Right, mate, listen, I'll give you 50 quid

if you do what I say, and make out you're hypnotized.

-What? -It's a fucking scam, all right?

I could no more hypnotize you than pull a bunch of flowers out me arse.

-Fifty quid, are you in or out? -Yeah, sound.

[inhales deeply] And... sleep!

[applause]

-How long are you going to keep this up? -I'm busy.

I'm sorry if the text was over the top,

but it was just a joke, try and snap you out of it.

Look, we could go for dinner or something, your choice.

Don't know what you're talking about. What text?

The filthy one.

You've been blanking me so much, I thought it would break the ice.

I haven't been blanking ya. I've been rushed off me feet.

And I didn't get any text.

Recognise it?

No.

-So, you're not angry with me? -Jesus, Jamie!

You went on the tiles with a mate, you're not Osama bin Laden.

So, who have I sent this to, then?

[Jamie] Oh, shit!

[Karen giggles]

[soft orchestral music]

But I want your baby!

I want to feel your seed grow inside me!

Whoa, easy tiger!

[people laughing]

[man] Fucking god-awful!

[preacher] If evolution is right, and I'm not conceding that,

then surely there's a guiding hand behind it, an intelligence.

-It can't be just chance. -I don't accept that.

When the black symbiote attaches itself to Spider-Man's suit,

it's because a meteor's crashing to Earth.

And meteors hitting the Earth is pure maths, not religion.

Spider-Man isn't real!

There's as much proof for him as there is for God.

[Damien] And finally, ladies and gentlemen,

this young man will awake and believe he has never been hypnotized at all.

You have seen the evidence yourselves,

but he will believe that I offer him 50 pounds

to pretend he was hypnotized,

and behave in the manner you have all witnessed.

[inhales deeply]

And...

[slaps]

wake!

Tell the good people, truthfully...

Have you been hypnotized this evening?

What, really?

Yes, the truth, and nothing but the truth.

Well, no. You offered me 50 quid to pretend.

[people cheering]

He did!

He's a fuckin' phoney!

Is that a wedding ring on your finger?

He's not the possessive type, if that's what you're wondering.

[Mimi] It's a good job. Were it painful?

No. They froze it at first. I'm only just getting the feeling back.

So, do you see any problems for future... you know?

What's sauce for the goose, Stanley.

Funny, though he seems a little lonely. Like he's lost his friend.

He doesn't have to be.

They gave me it in a jar, for safekeeping.

-[gags] -As a keepsake.

-Ugh! -Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny!

[Jamie] Can I have a word?

-Are you sure? Karen's just over there. -Yeah, I know.

You're a nice lad, Jamie, but let's be honest.

You did hit a few branches of the ugly tree on the way down.

Look, I appreciate your candour, but the text message wasn't meant for you.

Karen, Kelly Next to each other in me address book.

I thought Karen was angry with me,

I was trying to give her a bit of a giggle, that's all.

Right.

And I'm guessing you look like this because you're trying to put me off?

Very admirable, being so loyal to our kid.

Right.

So I can take this boot polish off me tooth?

Dunno. Kind of suits you.

[chuckling]

-[moaning and screaming] -Fuckin' hell!

Yeah! Ooh!

-[Monica] Yeah! -[Damien] Oh!

[moaning intensely] Yeah! Oh!

[Damien groans] Get it! Oh!

-Oh! -Oh, you!

[Damien] From the first minute I laid eyes on you.

You're so...

[passionately] So...

Yeah?

Oh, so motherly!

What?

So... maternal.

The way your breasts have fallen that little bit.

The broadness of your hips. [panting]

The stretch marks on your belly.

[panting] Ooh, it's such a turn-on to think that you grew a babby!

Are you feeding?

Ooh! Cos I think I could go again if you could lactate!

[Monica] Ah!

[assistant knocking at door] Damien?

-Fuck! -[assistant] Damien?

Oh, fuck! Shh!

[Damien] What you doing?

In here!

You fucking bastard! You promised, no more MILFs.

To think I spend my nights clucking like a fucking chicken for you!

I'm sorry.

What?

She could never be with an 'airy guy?

-That's what she said. -No, I didn't, that's what she said.

I was just repeating what he told Kelly.

Told Kelly what?

[stammering] That hairy women were a turn-off.

[Kelly] "Pig in a skirt," he said.

He were talking about Janine. New girl at Lillian's.

Head of hair on her like she's caught her piercing in a socket.

[laughing] Looks like the love-child of Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.

All that fucking hair? It's the biggest turn-off going.

About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.

Oh.

Maybe you should concentrate on your own relationship.

Not exactly bench-mark communication, is it?

Text messages.

I don't care if he makes a point. You're not supposed to ask questions.

-Night. -Thanks for that.

It wouldn't be appropriate.

They might not know it, but I'm wrong, and they're right.

Good lad.

You spilled something on your dress.

Good night?

Not particularly.

I do try, Monica.

-Best as I'm able. -I know.

I mean, sometimes you know, I lash out,

get me defense in before the attack comes.

I might

misjudge it... on occasion.

I'm sorry.

I know.

Whatever it is,

don't let it swamp you, Mon.

I won't.

Frank,

can you just

hold me.

Please?

[both sighing]

[chuckles] Stop poking me in the back!

I'm not poking you.

I've got the horn, that's all.

I am gonna ride you

till you cry, Frank Gallagher.

Fair enough.

[both moan]

-[Joe groaning] -[Mandy] Wait, get a condom!

No, I'm not coming. My nipple stings.

Ahh! Mmm!

[Mandy and Joe moaning]

Do you think they're humping, or dressing each other's wounds?

Dunno.

I know.

No, I need to get off.

Feels like you're scrubbing my muff with steel wool.

[both laugh]

I've learnt my lesson, though.

What? Don't interfere in other people's love lives?

Fuck, no!

That's one of the few true pleasures left to a woman.

So what's the lesson?

Buy ear-plugs when Mandy's got a bloke over.

[Mandy] Ohh!

[both giggling and groaning]

Do you wanna shag?

-Drown out the noise? -Yeah.

-[groans] -Oh, no, no! You're too hairy!

-No! Get off me! -[Jamie laughs]

So, what is it you've got to tell me in such a rush?

What the fuck are you doing?

Sorry.

I thought... I mean...

Stuff it! You should enjoy the view while you can.

-How you mean? -I'm expecting.

Don't worry, it's not yours. You're good, but you're not that good.

I'm 12 weeks gone.

More's the pity. I liked you.

-So, what have you got to tell me? -It's not important.

He's a lucky bloke, you know, this baby's dad.

Yeah. He is.

[crows crowing]

[footsteps approaching]

How are you?

[Monica] There was a young woman from Chatsworth

Who had dreams, ambitions and other stuff

But she lost her good cheer and ended up here

So she could probably just do what she wants now

And look after herself, cos every other bastard does

I know it don't rhyme, but poems don't have to, do they?

Not these days.

[The "James Bond Theme" plays]

[Frank] Oh!

[The "James Bond Theme" ends]

Enough?

More. I'm doubling up from now on.