Original subtitles

He says, hey, a good donkey will do.

What the hell happened here?

Oh, my God. This place is a disaster.

Oh, man.

Someone used my month -long pen to spread peanut butter. This is ruined.

Gee. There's a tragedy.

Well, I'm sorry, Frank, but you never stop talking about it. I just love my

Blanc. Life is so much better with a Mont Blanc. Would you like to see my

Blanc? It's a freaking pen, Frank.

Dear Lord, my secret supply of pistachios.

Someone's eaten them all up.

This could only be the work of one man.

Curse that Morley safer.

Wait a minute, Jim.

There's a trail of pistachio shells.

It seemed to be leading in this direction. And here's one over here.

And there's another one right over there. Look at this right in front of

Move it! Nobody better get between me and the donuts because I'm staring into

the middle of a real big empty.

What happened here, Murphy?

Oh, I was here all weekend. You know how it goes. You work, you snack, things

get untidy.

Untidy?

Raccoons attack a hefty bag and don't do this kind of damage.

If you felt the urge to trash someplace, why can't you just do it at home?

I can't work at home, Frank. I don't have an office. And between Avery

around, my father visiting again, and the Nintendo calling my name, it's

basically impossible.

Well, surely you could unhook the Nintendo.

Oh, well, that's good advice, Jim. Maybe I could just stop eating and breathing,

too. What am I, a robot?

I don't want to work at home. I can't imagine a day that didn't start with a

friendly wave from the security guards, swapping gossip with my fellow co

-workers on the way to the elevator.

Oh, sure, I could do without the sight of Ernie from accounting washing his

glass eye in the lobby drinking fountain.

Other than that, well, the point is, sometimes I need to work at home. I

know, I guess I'm just going to have to start looking for a bigger place.

What? You can't sell your house. I love that house.

Think of all the special times we've had there, the Christmases, the birthdays.

Yeah, and remember the times we used to make those little marks next to the

kitchen door to keep track of your height? Get a grip, Frank!

You know, Slugger, Slugger, have you considered remodeling?

Not half a year ago, Doris and I decided to enclose our porch.

Well, you know, it's literally changed our lives.

Now we spend our evenings sitting on the porch, sipping our martinis, watching

the sunset, and playing cribbage until dinner is ready.

Uh, Jim?

That sounds exactly like what you and Doris used to do on your porch.

Yes, but now it's enclosed.

If you like, Slugger, I could give you the number of my architect. I think

find Ephraim to be quite knowledgeable.

In fact, there's no one more accomplished than he at historical

Oh, well, maybe I'll take that number from you, Jim. Anybody got a pen?

Here you go, Murph. Oh, thanks.

What's the name of that architect again, Jim?

I'm really glad you dropped by, Jim. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even be

doing any of this renovating. Well, my hat's off to you, Slugger. It warms my

heart to see that you're preserving this lovely, historical townhouse and

treating her with the dignity she deserves.

Oh, yeah. Wait till you see. You're going to love this.

Ta -da!

What do you think, Jim? Pretty great, huh?

Yes, although the ceiling does look a little high, you know, for the style of

the period.

Well, the style of the period didn't exactly take into account a 61 -inch

-projection TV with surround sound.

I mean, can you imagine, Jim, no TV?

How did people live back then?

I believe they talked and sat by the fire.

Yeah.

I take it here is where your traditional 19th century fireplace is going to be.

I'm picturing a wooden mantle and irons, antique bellows. Well, actually, Jim,

this is where I'm going to put my laser discs. Oh, and get this. I'll be able to

feed them to the TV automatically.

So say I want to watch, oh, Mambo Kings.

I'll just sit here in my sunken jacuzzi, push one little button, and bingo, it's

Bubbles with Van Derriss.

I see. And Ephraim is on board with all these modifications?

Who? Ephraim, your architect. The man I recommended.

Oh, you know what, Jim? I saw through that rip -off artist the minute I laid

eyes on him. I drew up the plans myself.

You drew what?

Yeah, I mean, how many years of school do you need to draw a wall?

You drew up the plans yourself?

On a napkin? Yeah. Oh, and you'll love this. For a while there, the builders

actually mistook these grease spots for a row of skylight. Isn't that a riot?

So they're going...

up there.

Hey, Mrs. Brown, we finished, uh, straightening those nails you wanted us

reuse. Oh, thanks.

Look at that, Jim. Waste not, want not. That's one of yours, I believe. I just

never saw the wisdom of it until now.

Yes. If you don't mind, uh, I'd like to ask your man a question or two.

Uh, hello, I'm Jim Dial.

Yeah, Lou.

So, Lou, how... Are you planning on finishing these walls?

Slap and plaster?

Mortise and tenon paneling? Possibly a three -foot tongue and groove

wainscoting?

Between me and you, it's not going to matter. We're planning to skip town as

soon as the check clears.

Oh, Murphy.

Hey, Jim, I just had a brainstorm.

A fireman's pole. That way, if I get hungry, I can just slide right down to

kitchen. What do you think? What do I think? I think you're insane.

Oh, yeah. How am I going to get back up?

Have you no shame? This is a 19th century historical townhouse, and you're

turning it into Heff's Mansion. Now, what I'd like to know is how in Hades

ever got a permit to build this monstrosity in the first place.

You did get a permit, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, I got a permit. It's a good -looking permit, too.

Now, where did I put it? It's around here somewhere.

Stop it!

Stop it!

For a project like this, you need a permit.

That means submitting plans, using a licensed contractor, getting your

neighbor's approval.

Ooh, sorry, Jim. No can do. See, old man Swenson lives next door, and for some

reason, that stupid, decrepit old crank hates me.

I tell you what, is it the parliament's poll that's bothering you? Because, you

know, like I said, I'm not wed to it. Now you listen to me. You are going to

stop construction this instant, and you're going to get that permit, or

Or you'll watch him. You'll report me. Is that it? You'll... You'd report

me? It would be for your own good.

Oh, come on, Jim. Be reasonable. I mean, you don't know this guy, Swenson. He's

the meanest, grumpiest, most congested... All right, why don't you

for yourself? I guarantee you he's doing something mean, grumpy, and congested

right now. Murphy.

Anyway, why don't we give Lou and his guy the chance? He seems to know what

doing.

What about here?

All right, I'll call old man Swenson.

Well, hi there, neighbor.

Listen, if this is about those hitch knots someone tied in your garden hose,

hell, I'm an old man. I can barely button my pants.

Not that I know they were hitch knots. I'm just supposing.

Hitchpodge, come on in.

Well, all right, but you should know that if I'm not home in an hour, my...

son is going to call the cops.

Well, I don't think that will be necessary. Please have a seat.

Gee,

I just love it when we take time out of our busy schedules to have one of our

neighborly get -togethers.

Say, when was the last time we did this?

Oh, let's see.

Never.

Which is too bad because it's been a hoot so far.

Please, try a little something from this nice deli platter I got especially for

you, my neighbor, old man, Mr.

Swenson.

You didn't tell me there was going to be food. I left my eaten teeth at home.

Oh, well, would you like me to run over and get them for you? Because that's

just the kind of thing neighbors do for each other.

Oh, forget it. I'll just try to find something I can't eat.

Gherkins, they give me gas.

Salami gives me gas.

Wheat crackers.

Gas. What about one of those nice little cheese cubes? Do you think that would

give you gas?

I don't know. I guess we'll both find out together.

Hey, you know what? I think I'll have one of those myself.

You make it look so delicious.

This is nice, isn't it?

Two neighbors sitting, chatting, sharing cheese.

Hey, if we're such great neighbors, how come you didn't show up for my protest

rally to keep those towel heads from moving in across the street?

You know, Mr. Dutari is the ambassador from India.

You know, why dwell on the negative things? Why don't we talk about all of

nice things I've done for you, my neighbor?

Like what?

Like what?

Well,

you know, there was that thing I let you do that time. You remember that thing I

let you do? What thing?

You know, it was that thing. I remember thinking at the time, boy, he really

wants that thing, and so I let you do it. Wait a minute. Are you talking about

that bird feeder I wanted to put in my yard?

Yes, your bird feeder for your cute little birds. You wouldn't let me have

Slapped a lawsuit on me.

Who, me?

Oh, right.

Well, this has been fun.

Let's do it at my place next time. You know I don't mean that, right?

Mr. Spencer, please. You just got here. Sit.

Have another cheese cube.

I'm not done with this one yet.

Well, there's another one on deck there when you're ready.

You know, come to think of it, there is something that I wanted to ask you.

You know, my bedroom upstairs... I feel kind of funny asking you this, but...

Well, I was wondering... Oh, boy, here we go.

Oh, so you know what this is about.

Sure, you're coming on to me.

What? No, no, no. Listen, if I was 30 years younger, maybe I'd throw you one.

Oh, what the hell? Let me just finish this cheese cube.

Wish I had my eating teeth. I could finish it faster.

That's very tempting, Mr. Swenson, but, uh... Oh, well, here's the deal.

I started building a room, and it turns out I should have gotten a permit, and

so, um, now I need your approval.

So what do you say?

Oh, started work already, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, so I guess if I don't approve it, that means you'd be up the

without a paddle.

Well, yeah, I suppose you could. You'd be between a rock and a hard place.

That's right. Yeah, you'd be out of luck.

Painted into a corner.

Behind the old eight ball.

Screwed six ways. All right, I get it. What do you want?

Well, let's see.

I've always wanted to see the White House. Done. You got it. Thanks for

And I want to meet a senator.

A senator? Yeah.

And not from one of those crappy little states. A big one, like San Diego.

I want to go to Denny's. We'll take my car.

Just don't mind the bird doodle all over the seats.

And I want to meet the Surgeon General. I've got this bunion I want him to take

a look at.

And I want to see that hotel where Dick Morris got lucky.

All

right,

last stop. Your grandson said he wanted to see a real live TV studio.

Well, this is a real live TV studio.

This isn't real.

It is too real. Hey, where are you going?

Hey, it looks smaller in person.

I bet I could spit from one end to the other.

Get your hands off those switches, Mr. Swenson. I think you better tell your

grandson to be careful.

He's all right. He just loves switches.

He once turned off the pump to his sister's fish tank.

It was touch and go there for a while, but they died.

There's a little boy over there who seems to be redesigning our lighting

Oh, mind you, he's doing a wonderful job, but, well...

He's not Union.

Relax, Kay. That's just my neighbor's cute little grandson, Robbie.

Mr. Swenson, this is the executive producer of FYI, Kay Carter Sheffley.

tell you all about how we put on the show. Bye. Well, well, a lady boss. Now

I've seen everything.

Well, then I guess that means you can die a happy man.

And the sooner, the better.

Kay, they need you in the control room. Oh, Mr. Swenson, I think you dropped

your wallet.

Just a minute, Baldy.

Let me count the money.

One. All right, you can go.

Hey, Grandpa, look at me, look at me. I'm on the news.

So,

uh, who's the new guy?

Hey, you're Miller Redfield, aren't you?

Wow, you're awful pretty for a guy.

Redfield. So you're a fan of his, huh? You know, Miller has a jukebox backstage

before every show. I'm sure he'd love you to join him. Really? I never hung

with a big star before.

Hey, mister, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. Well,

since my hip went out, I just lie on the floor and sort of wiggle into it.

Cool, you'll have to show me that.

Hey!

What are you doing, Corky? Getting behind the desk with that old... Guy

goose me again.

Me too. And he has bad eyes. But a good grip.

Yeah, well, his legs are sure in good shape. I carted old man Swenson and

twerp Swenson all over town.

VIP tour of the White House, the Smithsonian, and get this, on a tour of

Capitol building, the old geezer actually asked Senator Nancy Kassebaum

his finger.

Well, he certainly seems to be enjoying himself.

Yeah, well, I could have avoided all this if Jim hadn't forced me to get a

permit. I'm sorry, slugger, but I'm afraid it's simply the price of being a

responsible American.

No, Jim, the price is having to hose off an eight -year -old vomit from the

backseat of a Porsche.

That's the price.

Robbie, sweetheart, get down from that catwalk. You're looking a little pale

again.

Man, that finger thing gets me every time.

Although, you know, I always thought you were supposed to wait until after I

pulled it.

Sometimes I get excited.

Murphy, in case you haven't noticed, we've got a show to do. So I think it's

time for your little friends to skedaddle. I don't want to skedaddle. He

want to skedaddle. You see, I sort of promised them they could both stand and

watch. Oh, you promised. Oh, well, in that case, by all means, Mr. Swinson,

the hell off my floor. No, I'm not budging.

Now, look, Mr. Swinson, this is for your own safety.

It would sure be a shame if one of those big, heavy lights accidentally fell on

you. Wouldn't it, Keith, be a shame if a light fell on Mr. Swenson?

No, not the 10K, the big blue one.

Okay. All right, 15 seconds, people.

Don't worry, Kate, he'll be good.

Well, he better. There's a light over your head, too.

All right, look, Swenson, you and Robbie can stay and watch, but you've got to

stay out of the way of the cameras. You can't bother anyone who's working, and

you just have to... Listen, girlie, you don't have to tell me. I'm a man of the

world. I know how the game is played.

I've been around the block a few times.

I've seen a thing or two in my... All right, all right, I get it. Just stand

there.

All right, we are live in five, four, three, two... Good evening,

and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana goes undercover to expose

in the automotive industry. Look, Robbie, that man's wearing makeup.

Followed by an inside look at the battle for late -night ratings by our very own

Corky Sherwood. Corky Sherwood, hubba -hubba.

Millard Redfield spends a day with the last of the roller derby queens.

Millard, Millard, Millard. Ricky Brown talks with Israeli Prime Minister

Benjamin Netanyahu. Come on, let go of me.

I'm an American. I know my rights.

You'll pay for this, Murphy Brown.

You can kiss that illegal office of yours goodbye.

All of us and more when we come back. She came on to me!

I still can't believe Quentin backed out on me.

You'd think the man had never been dragged out of a studio and maced

No, no.

Slugger. You're doing the right thing. You've scaled back construction, you're

adhering to historical guidelines, and hopefully you'll show this board that

even without your neighbor's approval, you're worthy of a permit.

Thanks a lot, Jim. I don't know where I'd be without you.

Probably sitting in my office jacuzzi watching Mambo Kings on my big screen

I'm Miss Brown. This is Beatrice Stokes, and I'm Margaret Crawford. We chair the

advisory committee.

Yeah, so?

So, what a pleasure it is to meet you.

Gosh, I can't tell you what a joy it all has been. In fact, I'm thinking of

building something every year because, gosh darn it, getting a permit is fun.

How nice.

And if Mr. Dial is supporting your project, well, that speaks volumes for

You know, Mr. Dial, we have some time before the meeting starts.

Care to sample the refreshment table with us?

I'd be delighted.

It's in the bag, Slugger.

What are you doing here, Swinson? I thought you were... Listen, I've got

something to get off my chest.

First of all, I'm an old man.

That's got nothing to do with what I'm about to say, but I like to lead with

that.

Second, just because we're neighbors, there's no rule that says we have to

each other.

That's what fences are for.

And pellet guns.

That's great. So if you're done... No, no. One more thing.

I'm going to approve your addition.

What? You are?

Uh -huh. If you approve my sundeck aviary.

Your sundeck aviary? That's right. All this talk of construction has got me

thinking about making a few improvements myself.

So, uh, I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

Oh, okay.

It's a deal.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I agree.

If you play ball with me, I'll play ball with you. All right, I said yes. I'll

approve your project if you'll approve mine.

Good, because I love birds, and I love the sun.

In that order.

Jim, guess what? Mr. Swenson is back on Team Brown, so I guess we're going to go

back to our original plan.

You what?

All right, so the wall will go there.

hot tub here, skylight, skylight, skylight, and, oh, what the heck,

pole fair.

Now, now, you listen to me. If you insist on reverting to that

abomination, then I wash my hands of this entire affair.

Okay, okay, see you tomorrow.

Let's begin, shall we?

First up is Mr. Phineas T.

Swenson's Sundeck Aviary.

is the owner of the adjacent property present. Right here. Okay.

Do you want this 14th day of October agreed to? Yeah, sure, whatever. I

Let's move it along. Well, then, all in favor?

Aye. Motion carries. Will the secretary please affix the wax seal of approval to

Mr. Swenson's proposal?

Oh, and will the secretary please remember this time that the wax is very

Next up is Ms. Brown's room addition.

Is the owner of the adjacent property present?

Well, I'm afraid if the owner isn't present... No, wait. He's here. Go on.

up. What do you want me to say? Well, you know, I'm the owner. I approve.

Yada, yada, yada. Oh, I'm not the owner. I just rent the place.

What?

You've lived there for 30 years and you're just a renter? Actually, I

paying rent years ago, so technically I guess I'm what you'd call a squatter.

Anyway, I approve her room, if it means anything.

It doesn't.

And since the owner isn't present, we'll have to table our decision until our

meeting next spring.

Spring? What do you mean spring?

I can't wait until spring. I've got a huge hole in the side of my house.

Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Brown, but there's nothing we can do. Oh, don't give me

that. There's got to be something you can do.

Well, we could levy a hefty fine for starting construction illegally.

All in favor?

Aye. Motion carries.

Why didn't you tell me you weren't the owner?

Well, would you have given me all that free cheese and taken me to all those

great places? Hell no. Well, there's your answer.

Swenson, you can forget all that good neighbor crap. From here on in, it's

Do you hear me? War.

Oh, I'm scared to death. I'm shaking like a leaf. I'm sweating like a pig.

as nervous as a schoolgirl.

Hey, Murphy.

Hey there, neighbor.

Oh, geez.

Geez? No, thanks. I'm still working on this one.