Original subtitles

I heard you the first six times.

I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.

All right. I know it's here somewhere.

Oh, let's see. Got your glasses, shoes, purse, keys, or briefcase?

Briefcase. I know I came home with it. This always seems to happen on carpool

day.

Oh, it seems to happen every day.

All right, Murph, what's missing this time?

First, glasses, shoes, keys or briefcase? Briefcase.

Hey, Avery, look, I found another W. Now you can spill white water.

Where was the last place I saw it? Did you look in the freezer?

That's where you left your keys last time.

Sometimes, when she comes home from work, she goes straight for the ice

A ladle in one hand, a quart of triple brownie overload in the other.

It's not a pretty sight.

Well, that does it. I've searched the entire house.

Obviously, my briefcase has just vanished off the face of the earth. Have

checked your car?

Of course.

It's in my car, right where I left it.

Come on, Frank. You're going to make us late.

Me?

Do you ever have that dream where she's just a giant screaming head?

I'm always going to miss you.

Bye, Ellen. Bye -bye, Avery.

Here you go. Say bye.

And as the hurricane moves on, silence once again descends on the peaceful

island village.

Wait, a shift in the wind patterns. Quick, back to the huts.

Tell me you did something with my car. You moved it, didn't you? Tell me you

moved it. I won't be mad.

You know, I once touched your side mirror, and you actually rapped me

knuckles.

Murph, now think. Are you sure that's where you left it? In my driveway,

I think so.

I used to park it in my closet, but it wrinkled my clothes.

Okay, it's got to be there.

Just going to open the front door, and my car will be there.

I don't believe this.

Somebody stole my car.

Son of a...

Oh,

great.

I'm going to spend my whole day in a police station while some low -life joy

rides around town in my car, changing the mirrors, readjusting the seats.

I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably got it stripped down to the rims by

now.

Except, in your case, your car is so beautiful, he's probably just going to

it.

You know, until these guys find it.

That's not fair, Frank. Why'd they have to take my car? Why couldn't they have

taken that brand -new Lexus across the street? They're well -built, low

-maintenance, and now feature dual airbags. Don't these jerks read Consumer

Reports?

Oh, sure.

It helps them decide which bread makers to steal.

Look, Murph, I know you're upset, but when you think about it, you're really

pretty lucky. All they took was material stuff. Nobody got hurt.

I know it's just a car, but someone was in my driveway while I was in my house

sleeping. While my kid was sleeping.

I know, I know.

Here you go.

Yeah, I'd like to report a stolen... Oh, great.

Murphy Brown.

Just what I needed today.

To be part of some get -the -cops expose.

And me without my donut. Imagine my embarrassment.

I'm not here to do an expose.

I'm here because my car was stolen and I'd like to get it back.

Hey, why don't you guys ever go after the fireman, huh?

Everybody loves firemen. Oh, look, there's a little kitten up in the tree.

call the big brave fireman. Did you ever stop to think maybe it's the fireman

lobbing those cats up there in the first place?

I explain this.

You see this key?

There used to be a car attached to it.

Now it's a very expensive letter opener.

Then your car really was stolen. Yes, officer. Yes, it was. Yes.

All right.

Fill out this form and wait over there. We'll get to you when we can.

Oh, jeez. This is going to take all day. I don't have all day.

Listen, is there some sort of policeman's ball coming up? I'll take 50

Let me handle this, Murph.

Listen, um...

Sergeant Foley, maybe we can cut through some of this red tape. Now, I don't

know if you've seen any of my reports, but I have spent some time riding around

with some of the guys from the 2nd District.

I even took a bullet once.

Still aches a little when it rains.

Anyway, what we've got here is a 22 -38 -15.

Now, I think we should check the teletype for any repos or impounds. Do

flash, look out, make sure we can nail this perp.

Yes, sir.

We'll do that.

Just as soon as she fills out this form and waits over there.

It's a 251, Murph.

Black ink. Press firmly. I'm going to check out the water.

Let me guess what happens now. I fill this out and it sits on someone's desk

collecting coffee rings. What about the repos and the perps? Shouldn't you be

setting up roadblocks, calling all cars? And while we're at it...

about more patrols on the street.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Right after I flash the big Help Us Batman sign in the sky.

Look, I don't know what fantasy world you've been living in, but we don't have

the money, nor do we have the manpower to put patrols on everyone's street.

They don't have to be on everyone's street. Just my street, Cambridge Place.

Look, Ms. Brown, we do the best we can.

But if you want to feel safer, I suggest you join your neighborhood watch. They

do a very effective job at preventing crime.

Oh, right, my neighborhood watch. I should get in touch with them.

Okay, I want the name of the neighbor that was on duty last night, and I want

know why the hell they weren't watching my car. Look, the only name I can give

you is the name of the head of the group in your area. It's, uh, Margaret

Stritch.

Mrs. Stritch?

That woman who's always out pruning and the floppy sun hat and white gloves?

Oh, sure. She flies out of her house if your kid touches one lousy azalea, but

they come for your car and it's be my guest.

Here's her number. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Now, I have some more work to do. When you finish filling out your form, let me

know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, this isn't going to look very good on my expose.

But you said this wasn't an expose.

What kind of an expose would it be if I just walked in here and said it was an

expose?

Hidden camera in the purse?

I'll have to form over here.

Hello, neighbors.

Good to see you. Come right on in. Go over there.

The Palmers.

Put that stupid electric elf in their window at Christmas.

I love that elf.

You've got to give me more to go on than that.

Oh, well, pardon me. Perhaps I should mention the jug bottles of Gallo Hardy

Burgundy in the recycling bin.

Got my own little neighborhood watch going.

Hello, Murphy.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Courtney's so conflicted these days about her babysitter. Well, when you're

verbal as she is for her age, you're bound to be a little more sensitive than

the average child.

Besides, you could make it, so let's go over there.

The Coopers think their kid is smarter than yours.

Yes, these two I remember.

You'll never guess what happened yesterday.

Courtney counted all the way to 20.

So how's Avery?

He's fine.

He's upstairs doing my taxes.

Avery, dear, I think we're ready to start the meeting.

Will you be joining us, Eldon?

Um, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stritch, but, uh, I mean, I really should be getting

home. I don't know how safe it is for me to be out in this neighborhood after

dark.

I'm sorry about that incident the other night. If I'd known it was you, I never

would have used that pepper spray.

Don't worry about it. The stuff wore off after four or five hours, and I was

only begging to die the first couple.

I'm so glad.

Next time she drops her teeth, I'm kicking them under a bush.

Same goes for that old man Swenson in there.

Try to return someone's mitten and he chases you with his snow shovel.

I've lived in this town longer than any of you.

You want to know what the problem is? I'll tell you what the problem is.

Gangs. Hey, Ballard, can't you talk to these punks?

You must know that rap talk.

Mr. Swenson, sometimes I don't know which of your stereotypes to deal with

first. I think we're all here, and I want to welcome our newest member,

Brown. And because she's the one that requested this emergency meeting, I

I'll turn the floor over to her.

Murphy? Thank you, Mrs. Stretch.

Look, it's too bad that we have to get together under these circumstances, but

just want you to know I've really been meaning to have you all over.

And how come you never invited us?

For 15 years you've been next door, and I haven't gotten so much as a cup of

coffee.

I've just been very busy. Have you had coffee?

Have you?

How about you?

Mr. Swenson, I think it's safe to say none of us has gotten a cup of coffee.

I just get to the point.

You may not know this, but something has happened in this neighborhood that

affects us all.

My car was stolen.

I know, I know, but I didn't call this meeting to get your sympathy.

You wanted to warn us that it could happen to us, too.

Oh, well, sure.

and to tell you that we have got to start taking this crime situation more

seriously. Now, I'm not saying it was your fault my car was stolen, and I

expect any of you to step forward and offer to pay the $500 deductible, even

though it might help assuage your guilt over what was obviously some pretty

shoddy neighborhood watching.

You know, you're not the only one who has been hit by a crime. Our Volvo wagon

was stolen, too.

Six months before yours.

All of Courtney's flashcards were in it.

It's not just the cars. Our home was broken into when we were out of town.

Well, now, this just proves my point. We have got to stop talking about this

problem and do something.

We have got to start getting aggressive about protecting ourselves.

Bravo. Well said.

And now is a good time to report that the new stickers came in. They say,

watching you, and the little eyes glow in the dark.

Stickers! Oh, great idea.

But why stop there?

Why don't we just climb up into our treehouse and pelt the bad guys with

balloons? Come on, we have to take action.

She's right. Stickers are no good.

If someone comes near my door, I bark like a dog.

You know, we're not as incompetent as you might think. We've started

nightly patrols. Ah, patrols. That's an excellent idea.

Bearing in mind, of course, that some of us have very busy schedules that

wouldn't be available.

But then I'd be happy to leave some cookies and a thermos of coffee on my

so that any of you patrollers passing by could stop and enjoy.

Now she's got coffee.

What about security gates?

I know they would help those of us with small and exceptional children sleep a

lot better at night. Mr. Cooper, now you know there's a two -year waiting list

for permits, and there's not much chance of speeding that up now that Clarence

Thomas has moved out of the neighborhood.

Can't you talk to him?

I don't know him.

Oh, what good are you?

Just a second.

What are we talking about here, gates?

You want to turn this into a gated community?

Not just a gated community, an electrified gated community.

The apartment department wouldn't even consider that.

It would have been great.

Like a giant bug zapper.

The gate issue is dead. Now, let's talk about what we can do.

I'm pleased to announce that the Georgetown Gun Shop has offered us a 10

discount on all handguns, ammo, and silhouette targets.

You people aren't really considering buying guns, are you?

Well, actually, we already have one.

I have a gun hidden in every room of my house.

I'm never more than five pieces away from a little piece of mine.

By the way, Margaret, you were absolutely right about that new graphite

It's worked wonders on our 9mm.

Oh, I had to give up my 9mm.

The recoil aggravated my bursitis.

I have to tell you that when I was thinking of taking some action, I was

thinking of something a little less road warrior. I mean, guns, gates, grenades.

Why don't we just build a moat and get a vat of boiling oil?

Yeah, try to get a permit for that.

I've got to be honest with you. I don't exactly feel safer knowing I'm

surrounded by a bunch of people who are armed to the teeth.

I mean, is that the way we want to live? A trigger -happy community where we

shoot first and ask questions later?

Look, it wasn't an easy decision to get a gun.

Just after the break -in, we didn't feel safe in our own home. Even with the

bars and the alarm system.

God knows you can't rely on the police anymore. So we banded together to take

back our streets. That's right, because if we don't watch out for each other,

who will?

Oh, dear.

Whose is that?

I think it's on the next block.

Oh, good.

Now... It was unbelievable.

Somebody actually suggested putting up a guard tower.

A guard tower?

Next thing you know, I'll be tunneling for freedom and making a fool out of

Colonel Quinn.

Between the electrified fence and that barking man, it sounds like you need a

neighborhood watch to watch your neighborhood watch.

I can hardly wait to get those people out of my house.

And later that night in bed, I started to hear things outside. You know, those

creepy, is it the wind or is it something else noises?

I actually thought of calling Mrs. Stritch and asking her to drop by with

357. You know, the one she calls her little friend.

Sometimes we live in any strange noise and your heart starts to pound. Oh yeah,

maybe it's nothing, but you can't be sure.

Do you know they can press charges against you if you call 911 too much?

I can understand why you guys are upset. Murph, your car was stolen. Miles, you

were born that way.

But don't you think you're getting a little paranoid?

Oh, and you haven't? Tell us, Frank, why you keep a nine iron under your bed?

In case the guy who breaks in finds the butcher knife in my nightstand.

Hey, maybe I'm getting a little paranoid, too.

It's not paranoia. There is crime out there.

Remember how many times my car stereo was stolen before I bought the kind that

pulls out?

That was fun, lugging it around with me everywhere I went.

Until that guy mugged me on the street and took it.

I'm being a woman living alone.

Every time the doorbell rings, it's scary.

And even when they say it's the pizza guy, it could be a crazy person who

knocked out the real pizza guy and is coming to rob you and kill you and eat a

free pizza of your life.

I remember when you didn't have to lock your front door.

Now I've got security codes for my house, my car, my luggage.

I live in fear of the day I accidentally punch my ATM number into my house

alarm, the security patrol comes screeching onto my lawn, blows me away,

bills my estate $200 for a house call.

Did I tell you that as I started taking a self -defense class at the Y? Really?

I was going to do that, but it's in such a dangerous part of town.

It's not bad. I mean, I thought there'd be a few more people there my own age,

but at least now I know how to use a walker as a lethal weapon.

I hardly think violence is the answer.

If someone tries to take my wallet, he can have it.

Of course, let him go for my grandfather's watch, and he can be

the business end of my umbrella. Are you nuts, Jim? If someone attacks you, you

can't whack them with your umbrella. That's just going to make him mad.

She's right.

You have to beat, beat, beat him until he's dead.

Just wing him. He can turn around and sue you for all you've got.

You know what else? A cop told a friend of mine that if you catch a prowler

outside your house and you do happen to kill him, that you have to drag him

inside so it looks like breaking and entering.

Not enough.

Not enough.

My cousin, who's a paralegal, says after you drag the body inside, you have to

put a knife in his hand so you can flee self -defense.

Oh, really?

And he's a paralegal, you say?

And it wouldn't hurt to eat a few Twinkies.

That way, if the self -defense thing doesn't work, we've got insanity to call

that.

Would you listen to us? When did words like beating and dragging become part of

everyday conversation?

This is just a part of all of us that's been pushed so far, we're ready to push

back. I know I am.

I have this fantasy where I see the guy who took my car stereo.

I run up behind him, tap him on the shoulder, and when he turns around, bam,

knock him cold with my walker.

I have to admit, I haven't stopped thinking about the jerk who stole my

I picture myself in the bushes with a baseball mat waiting for him. It's dark,

so he can't see me, but I can see him. Yeah, because I'm wearing those knife

goggles from Silence of the Lambs.

He's starting to... I'm there.

And the last thing he sees is my cackling face and the words Louisville

I need a twinkie.

You got a call from the police. They caught the guy who took your car. You're

kidding.

And they say dreams don't come true. Well, I am ready for this.

Well, Murphy, all that stuff we were chatting about, you're not actually

to do anything to this guy, are you? Of course not, Miles. He's in the hands of

the law now. I believe in the judicial system.

Besides, it's not like they leave you in a room alone with them and let you work

them over with a rubber hose.

Yeah, right.

I mean, how much can a rubber hose earn anyway? It's only rubber. Now, a

truncheon, I'm not sure what that is.

Sure,

not as much as one of those iron maidens with all those spikes. But where are

you going to get one of those these days?

Hey, Sarge, you found my car. I don't believe it. I never thought I'd see it

again. That makes two of us.

Our friend made the mistake of driving it into a chop shop we'd been watching.

I want to do something to show my appreciation.

I want the shoe sizes of the entire squad.

Reeboks for everyone.

That won't be necessary, Ms. Brown.

But you could pay off those old parking tickets we found in the glove

compartment.

Is that where they were?

Thank you. I'll do that.

I just wish I could see the guy who stole my car so I could tell him to his

what a piece of scum he is.

Well, technically, we're not supposed to allow that, but they're bringing him

out right now if you want to get a look at him.

Really? You wouldn't happen to have a truncheon, would you?

Where is he?

Right over there.

That's him?

A kid stole my car?

I was going to wait in the dark for a kid. How old is he?

Thirteen.

13? Does he even know how to drive?

Judging from the dents he left in your car, I'd say he was still learning.

How was my car you stole?

So? That's all you got to say? So?

Okay, you'd say so.

So let me guess what happens now.

They start a rap sheet for him and then ship him to juvenile hall where he

spends a few days picking up tips on how to become a better criminal?

Oh, no.

Most of the time, the system turns these kids into Nobel Prize winners.

Here.

You can pick up your car at the impound lot.

13.

Good evening and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, crime.

It's on everyone's mind.

It's on everyone's street.

Tonight, we begin an ongoing series on the problem that seems to have no

solution. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim.

In poll after poll, Americans list crime as their number one concern.

We're a country living in fear, hoping that if we build more prisons, hire more

police, and buy more guns, we'll finally feel safe.

But in this report, you won't see prisons or police or guns. What you will

are underfunded schools, pregnant teens, drug abuse, child neglect, and...

joblessness.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration. Three nights beginning this

Tuesday at 10 p .m.