All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s06e14 A Piece of the Auction

Forecast cloudy and windy and cold this
morning. Warming up a bit this

afternoon. Who really burns my butt?
That ice queen, Murphy Brown.

Anybody catch her on FYI last night?
There she was. She's kneeling some poor

slob in Congress for cheating on his
taxes. His wife leaves him. He's under

indictment. Doesn't this guy have enough
problems without Attila the hen picking

away at him?

You ask me, she looks like the type who
enjoys inflicting pain, huh?

I'm seeing a whip collection.

Am I alone here on this?

Hey, maybe somebody ought to give her a
good spanking. I do it, but I'm afraid I

hurt my hand.

Ouch! Oh, ooh, ooh, okay, well, it's 9
.30 and change, and you're listening to

Marty Crane, and if you didn't know that
by now, would you get off our highways

and go back to whatever third -world
country you came from?

Now, speaking of spanking, my next guest
likes to be spanked while listening to

the marches of John Philip Sousa.

I can't believe Marty Crane gave out our
fax number.

These are disgusting.

Here comes another one.

All right,

all right, all right. I want these
destroyed before Murphy has a chance to

them. Murphy,

hi there.

How you doing? How are things?

Oh, just 12 miles. I love getting stuck
in rush hour traffic listening to that

jerk Marty Crane refer to me as Brown
Hilda, Mistress of Pain.

You kidding, Marty Crane? The shot
chocolate after you, you say? Like

after loose French fry. I'm telling you.

What are all those? These? Um, just
faxes. Plain, boring faxes. Well, off to

paper shredder they go.

Oh, no. Now the guy's idiot fans are
getting into the act.

Marty Crane rules.

We love Marty.

Thank this.

Amazing. They can't be bothered to vote,
but they've got time to drop their

pants and sit on a Xerox machine.

What is it that night? Somebody sent you
a great big smiley face.

Oh, oh.

Why would somebody send you that?

Oh, it's just a bunch of Marty Crane
fans who want to show me their best

might know.

Men's an abomination.

I heard his program one morning at my
barber's.

was holding a contest to guess the first
lady's cup size.

It should be referred to them as the
first hooters.

Yes, well, no matter what we think of
him, his show is syndicated all over the

country, which is why I don't want you
getting into some kind of public feud

with him, Murphy. Oh, come on, Miles.
Like I'm going to give this clown the

publicity he's begging for? The only way
to handle guys like Crane is just to

ignore them.

Plus, it doesn't even matter what he
says. The only people who listen to his

show are mindless lemmings and pubescent
little boys.

Marty Kramer?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot your lead
majorette at this year's halftime Super

show. All right, maybe I do listen to
him occasionally. I'm sorry, but the guy

is interesting.

He says things other people are afraid
to say. He doesn't put up with anybody's

garbage, and he's funny.

Not that stuff he said about you,
though. That wasn't funny.

What did he say about Murphy?

Well, it was stupid, really.

Well, what was it?

Well, the only difference between Murphy
Brown and frozen tundra is that the

tundra actually gets drilled once in a
while.

Did Frank just tell one of my knock
-knock jokes?

See, Frank, I told you a joke doesn't
have to be dirty to be funny.

It's just that I've been really busy and
it's not easy to come up with the right

thing.

You think anybody would want an old
cocktail napkin with Ted Kennedy's phone

number?

Nope. According to this, Phil's already
got about a dozen.

Look, Murphy, if you can't think of
anything to donate, you can always

yourself. At some auctions, they wrap
off whole days with celebrities.

Oh, yeah, that's just what I want to do.
Sell myself off to the highest bidder

in this town. I'll wind up spending the
day on a ladder cleaning out Orrin

Hatch's rain gutters.

That's not how it works, silly.

The winner would spend a whole day with
you here at FYI.

Watching you work, seeing what your life
is like.

Someone who doesn't know any better
might find that very interesting.

Might? I'll have you know I am
fascinating, provocative, and eminently

watchable. TV Guide, December 4th, page
21.

A day with me at FYI. You know, that is
perfect, and I will even throw in

dinner. People would pay a fortune for
that.

We're going to take a short break now,
but don't put your wallets away. We've

got a lot of great stuff coming up.

Wonderful.

My photograph of the most respected
journalist of our time fetches a mere

while hundreds are thrown away on a golf
ball shanked by a man whose greatest

achievement as president was falling
down in every room in the White House.

World's Gone Mad.

That's okay, Jim. We're still within
striking distance of 60 minutes. I have

bet going with Don Hewitt that FYI's
donations will bring in more money than

theirs. Look at this. Look.

A clown painting by Morley Safer. Ooh,
get out my checkbook.

I get a little ice for my drink.

Never mind. Forget it. Murphy Brown's
here. I'll just scrape some off her.

Unless I missed my guest. That's the
voice of Marty Crane.

I could tell because my hand
instinctively reached out to turn the

come on. Come on. Let's not ruin the
moment. We finally get a chance to meet.

We're both here to help out a good
cause.

You know, I donated an autographed copy
of my cassette, The Worst of Crane.

I decided against my first choice, which
was a pair of edible panties.

It was strawberry, which, as I'm sure
you know, has a very unpleasant chemical

aftertaste.

You're quite the humanitarian. Well, got
to go. Wait, wait, wait. Come on, come

on. Let me ask you something seriously.
Come on, I'm a big media superstar. I've

got millions of rabid fans hanging to my
every word. When are you going to

interview me on TV?

I'll tell you what, Crane. I'll think
about it right after I get back from my

honeymoon with Tom and Roseanne Arnold.

And now, a special item on our program,
a day with Murphy Brown.

That's right, you'll spend the day
following around this fascinating,

provocative, and eminently watchable
newswoman.

After which, you'll spend a
scintillating evening dining with the

charming woman herself at Serafina's.

How can you put a price on something
like that?

We'll start at $200.

I got $200.

$250. Do I hear $250? I got $250.

Murphy, this is so much fun. Aren't you
excited?

Oh, Corky, this isn't about me. It's
about helping a wonderful charity

Well, I'm up to four big ones.

I got $400.

$450. Do you hear? $500.

$500 going once.

$500 going twice. $600.

What?

I guess I got $600 bid.

$700.

Wait a minute. She cannot bid on
herself.

$300, bid $700, bid $700. What? I can
spend the day with you for nothing.

I'll pay you back.

Just do it.

Seven. I got seven going once. Going.

Eight hundred. Eight hundred.

Eight hundred.

Eight hundred dollars and fifty cents.

Ten thousand dollars.

I'm out. Frank!

You gifted me two bucks for lunch the
other day.

I got ten thousand dollars bid. Going.

Going. Not going. Not going. Um, okay,
everybody. Dinner and a movie.

It's tax -deductible.

And sold for $10 ,000 to the spawn of
Satan over there.

$10 ,000 in your face, Hewitt! This is
so great.

And yet it has its tragic side.

Give me, give me, give me, give me, give
me. All right, Crane, you've had your

joke. You actually expect me to believe
you're going to pay $10 ,000?

Oh, you're right. I'm not. My station
is.

And if you ask me, they're getting off
cheap.

Marty Crane purchases Murphy Brown.

You cannot buy this kind of publicity.

Wait a minute. I just did.

Mr. Crane, take it from me. She isn't
worth it. She can be really cranky in

morning. Actually, she can be cranky all
day. In fact, most days, I'd spend $10

,000 not to be anywhere near her.

Let me buy back my donation. I'll even
throw in a few thousand extra.

Think of all the edible underwear that
would buy.

No, Sal, I'm looking forward to this.

Spending an entire day with television's
most respected journalist as she goes

after a story, writes her copy, edits
the material.

You know, the more I think about it, you
better wear something skimpy so I'll

stay awake.

I hate this. I really hate it. You think
life is bad and then it just gets

worse. Have fun with Marty, Maria
Shriver.

Brad, it's you and not me, Connie Chung.

And this one from Diane Sawyer. Why not
turn the other cheek? Ha, ha, ha.

Very clever. I'll bet Mike Nichols wrote
it for her.

Well, it is after 10. Perhaps this
demented fellow has had enough of his

publicity stunt and is planning on the
show.

Oh, I wouldn't bet on it. All day long,
he's been having a countdown to Murphy

time. Every hour on the hour, he's
playing the tape of her saying, Hi, I'm

Murphy Brown, followed by a cat in heat.

And it wasn't funny at all.

I'm sorry about all this, but, well, I
thought maybe a nice senator or an

ambassador would buy you.

It's not my fault you attract the men
you do.

Maybe I should change your hair.

Okay, that does it. I'm going home.

This is so typical.

Any little problem in your life has to
become a huge one. You want my advice?

Learn to roll with the punches. So
you're stuck with Marty Crane. Laugh it

It's only one day. How bad can it be?

salami, bologna.

Bologna is right.

Shut off those cameras.

Cover yourself.

Good Lord, men, have you no shame?

As a member of the media, you have the
chance to uplift society, but instead

drag it down to its lowest level.

All right, to be fair, please, explain
your humor to me.

Pee -pee.

This is only to you.

Passing gas, of course, hilarious.

A beauty contest, buttocks, my size is
quitting.

believe i've made my point oh i like him
i'm gonna put him on my show all right

girls no give it a rest give it a rest i
want a picture with my new slave girl

here how about a picture of you fanning
me no all right okay how about you

listen you get down on all fours like
this and i'll put my foot in your back

you look up at me adoringly can you do
adoring

Okay, that's it.

Miles, I want you to tell Karnak here to
get back on his camel. I can't spend

another minute with this guy, let alone
the whole day. Oh, okay, hey, fine, suit

yourself, but I'm sure my station will
want its money back. And who's going to

tell those poor kids at the hospital,
I'm sorry, Timmy, we're all out of

medical equipment, we're going to have
to use those leeches because Murphy

is a spoiled sport.

What are you, about a 34B?

Let's not fuel anything.

happy thoughts, flowers, butterflies,
those little jars of honey that look

a bear.

Yeah, at least indicated.

Crane. Yeah.

Okay, I'll do it. But I just want to get
one thing straight. The deal was for a

day with me and dinner. That's it. No
fanning, no slave girls, no cameras. Got

it? Okay. So you won't wear this?

Look, pencils.

My party.

My man.

Can I call you my man?

I don't know. Who are you?

I love when you do that.

But seriously, look, I want you to go
easy on Murphy today, okay?

Trust me, the woman is cool, and some of
that stuff you've been saying about her

is a little rough.

Not that I'm trying to be critical,
because I'm not. I love you, man. I

do.

You're not going to slam me on your show
now, are you?

Why would I slam you? I still don't know
who you are.

You're killing me.

Murph is taking care of it.

Uh, okay, Marty.

Uh, fun is fun, and Miles Silverberg can
be as wacky as the next guy, but, uh,

this is a place of business, and these
people have work to do.

I hear you, Mr. Peabody.

Cleo. Cleo Nefertiti, that's a wrap. I
will see you back at the pyramid, all

right? Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Honey, I'm home.

What's up?

Where do we start?

Gotta go to research.

Research? I'm right behind you.

So, what are you doing? Checking out
some deep background or something?

Yep. Yeah, you're probably gonna blow
some story wide open, right?

Uh -huh. I really repulse you, don't I?
You've got it.

That's right.

You've got your mind all made up about
me, and I bet you've never really

listened to my show.

No. But then, I never really set my hair
on fire, but I'm betting I wouldn't

like that either.

Shows what I know. I thought you
journalists were supposed to be the

type. But I guess it's easier to buy
into the hype.

Okay, so the show's a little outrageous.
But that doesn't mean we don't cover

serious issues. Now, listen, deadbeat
dad, gun control.

Last week, I debated the head of the Ku
Klux Klan.

Of course, I didn't tell him the Nation
of Islam's kickboxing team would be

there, too.

He was so scared, he wet his sheet.

You laughed.

I did not. Yes, you did. You laughed.
You laughed at something the repulsive

Marty Crane said.

It was not a laugh. It was a smirk that
got out of control. I was thinking about

something like this.

I think there's some hope for you after
all. A whole day together and then

dinner. This could be the start of a
beautiful friendship.

I've got to go to editing. Oh, okay.

The editing room, huh?

You ever get naked in there?

Yeah. Too bad for you it was yesterday.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything,
but I'm getting the feeling you don't

people to see us together.

Why is that?

Well, I know. The fact that we finished
eating and you still won't let the

waiter take away your menu.

It's 30 degrees outside and you ask for
patio seating.

Every time somebody walks by, you dive
under the table pretending to look for

your napkin. Oh, what is that? It's the
most ridiculous thing I have ever...

Excuse me. Oops, dropped my fork.

Are you Marty Crane? Yes, I am. Yes.
You're a disgusting, low -life scum.

ought to lock you up instead of letting
you spread your filth on the radio.

I hope you die.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, Miss Cousteau, you can come up now.

So, what did I miss? Another one of your
adoring fans?

Well, at least this one didn't spit.

I love it. The personal attacks, the
crude remarks. You practically beg for

kind of attention. Wait a minute. I
never beg for attention.

Sex, yes, but attention, never.

What can I say? Listen, I know that I'm
a jerk.

Even I can't believe some of the stuff
that I get away with. But it's fun never

having to censor yourself.

You've got to know what I'm talking
about. I mean, I saw that interview you

with Brando. Now, can you honestly tell
me that one part of you wasn't just

dying to say to him, come on, Marlon,
buddy, what happened? How'd you get so

fat?

One minute you have this handsome stud
and a torn T -shirt, and the next couple

has that dart in the set so you don't
scare the crew.

When did Stella turn into Stelladoro?

Get off that streetcar named dessert.

Fourteen. Excuse me? That is the
fourteenth time you laughed at something

today, and that's not counting the time
at lunch when I made Diet Coke come out

of Silverberg's nose.

Okay, so you're funny sometimes, but
don't you think it's a little easy, a

little cheap?

Cheap. You sure you want to make that
accusation? A woman who has in her

squirt guns, enjoy buzzers, a whole
drawer full of rubber vomit. Ooh, going

someone's rubber vomit drawer now, that
is love.

I think you're missing a very important
distinction here. I am? Yeah. The

difference between us is that when I
joke around, it's in private. You,

go on the air and appeal to the very
worst in people.

Mm -hmm. You could say that.

Or you could say that I'm giving voice
to society's need to explore and push

boundaries of what it considers taboo.

And in some small way, helping society
in its ongoing struggle to define

That is the biggest load of crap I've
ever heard.

And that's exactly what I told the dork
at Time Magazine who wrote it about me.

Look, I know, I push the limits, but you
do the same thing with that in -your

-face reporter stuff that you do.

Hey, when I push people too far, it's
because I'm trying to inform and educate

them about what's going on in the world.
And I am trying to make them laugh, and

after you're through with them, they
need it.

Fifteen.

I guess it's time for this low -life
scum to climb into his jammies. I got a

show to do tomorrow.

Oh, right.

You're going to slam me, aren't you?

No.

Actually, I'm going to say that you were
very fun to be with, that you're an

incredibly good sport, and I was totally
wrong about you. All right. Your radio

station's going to pay $10 ,000, but you
can tell the world I'm a good sport.

Hey, you know, you could have kicked me
out the minute I stepped off the

elevator today.

To tell you the truth, I wish you had.
That would have given me some good

material. But you didn't, and...

Anyway, how could I slam you when I'm
thinking... Ah, forget it. What?

Well, you know, this might be crazy, but
it might be fun for us to get together

again sometime.

Well, no, no, come on. I heard that
Starlight Express is in town next week.

Hey, I don't like Andrew Lloyd Webber
when they just stand there and sing. Why

do you think I'd want to watch them
roller skate? Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

Come on, you didn't let me finish. I
thought we'd toss marbles on the stage

wait for the pileup.

You know, that is the most twisted thing
I've ever...

I'm beginning to see your appeal.

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you, I've
heard your show and I find it really

offensive. And I'm not surprised you're
with him. You're more obnoxious than he

is.

Thanks for watching.

All right, now coming up in a minute,
we've got Thumbelina, the transvestite

midget mud wrestler.

She's going to be here to debate the
Clinton health plan with me.

But before I do that, let's...

Let's get serious for a minute. I know
you all want to know about my big day

with Murphy Brown.

So let me tell you this. I know I've
slammed her before, and I know I've said

some pretty rough things before, but
Martin Crane is not too big to admit

was totally wrong about her.

She is not a nice queen. No.

No. In fact, the only way to describe
her is hot and

nasty.

Listen, I know she looks kind of bony on
TV, but up close and personal, she's

got a nice little booty and she knows
how to use it.

And I'm not just saying this because she
digs me. You should see her at dinner,

man. She ordered this... She ordered
this dessert with whipped cream. Right.

she's looking at the whipped cream.

And she's looking at me.

And I just know she's putting the two
together. You know what I mean?

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if right
now she's out buying a whole case of

Cool Whip for a little Marty Alamode.

Well, I'm sorry, ma 'am.

You know, maybe if you fixed yourself up
a little bit instead of walking around

the house in slippers and curlers all
day, your husband wouldn't be attracted

the farm animals.

I don't know, Marty. I don't know what
to do anymore.

He won't touch me. He won't even look at
me.

You really think that'll help?

I don't know. Look, if that doesn't
work, try mooing and chewing a lot.

we're going to take a short break, and
we'll be back with more Barnyard Love

Live.

Hey,

this is a nice surprise.

Are you insane?

the hell do you think you're doing? I
should have known you would try to pull

something like this. You lying, rotten,
disgusting... Was I supposed to call

you? It's what you weren't supposed to
do. Slam me, remember?

I didn't slam you.

Oh, no?

What was that stuff about whipped cream
and me being, what was it, hot and

nasty? Oh, I didn't realize you were the
roses and chocolate type. Oh, no. I

thought I was the type of one of 20
million people to hear you talk about my

booty. Well, it's not like I lied. We
did talk about getting together again.

Getting together, whipped cream.

You don't see a weep there?

So maybe I exaggerated a little. You
know, I was just beginning to think

was some kind of wit and intelligence
behind what you do. But I was wrong. The

truth is, there is nothing there.

That's interesting. Most women usually
don't tell me that until we've been

together.

You know, every time I insult you, you
agree with me. It's very annoying.

Okay, yes, you're right. I am annoying,
but at least I'm not dull.

And I'll tell you something else. I can
take a joke, which is much more than I

can say for you. Hey, I can take a joke
if it's funny. But that stuff you said

about me wasn't funny.

It was just stupid.

Maybe.

But can you honestly tell me that if you
were driving along and you heard me say

the same things about somebody else, say
Diane Sawyer, that you wouldn't laugh

so hard you'd scrape a guardrail?

I really know how to fight dirty, you
know that?

Hey, Diane, babe, it's Marty Crane.

Listen, I just got your number from a
mutual friend and I had to call you.

been watching you on Prime Rib Live and
something tells me you're a whipped

cream kind of gal.

You ever wrestle in jello?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.