Original subtitles

I'm not going to ask who she was, Frank. I just hope that you were careful and

that you at least call her sometime today to say thank you.

Come on, Corky. Can't a guy just be in a good mood? Maybe I'm feeling very

popular today. Very likable. Very recognizable. About two points more

recognizable than I felt last year.

Oh, Frank, you didn't. You're going to get us all in trouble.

Jim, Frank got a hold of the TVQ ratings again.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Frank. Every year it's the same thing. Following your

popularity up and down like the bouncing ball in a Mitch Miller sing -along.

You beat Brinkley. Oh, thank you.

Whoa, there it is.

Still in the top ten. You know, I was worried my divorce might cause a

but I guess tragedy just makes people open their hearts to you even more.

You know, if Willett cheated on me instead of just being a doofus, I bet I

have been number one.

How's Murph doing?

I'm looking.

I'm still looking.

Oh, my.

She dropped.

How could that be?

Murph, he never dropped. Well, she has now by one and a half points.

Morning, people.

Morning.

What's up?

I am by two points.

Well, once again, it seems some naughty little reporters have been investigating

in areas they shouldn't be.

Give it to me.

Come on.

Right now.

It was Frank.

Big surprise.

So, has Murphy seen it?

Hey, everybody.

Looky, looky. Found a dollar in the parking lot. Oh, yeah, it's going to be

good day.

She hasn't seen it.

She's going to find out eventually. She always does. Now, I'd break it to her,

but I think it would be kind of hard to take from someone who's up two points

up.

Oh, poor Murphy.

So unsuspecting.

So happy.

We can't let her go on like this.

Yes, we can. Sure we can. Moving on.

There's a time bomb in that office.

You can leave it alone, taking it away, never knowing when or where it will

explode. Or you can put on your protective suit, get in there, and

now.

You're right, Jim.

It's the only thing to do. So I'll just do it.

After all, that's what they pay me for. Good man.

The Lord is my shepherd.

Murphy, hi. A little update.

Story meeting at 10. The TVQs came out today and there's fresh coffee. You want

some? What did she say?

Meeting at 10? No, the other thing. Coffee?

Miles!

Oh, well.

The middle thing.

TVQs came out today.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure it's just a temporary drop.

Maybe it was that Reagan interview, remember? You kept snapping your fingers

make sure he hadn't drifted off.

It's okay.

It's okay?

Yeah. I mean, I'm not surprised by this. Look at the kind of stories I've been

doing lately.

Tough, aggressive, in -your -face stories.

And any time you put a nun in jail, people are bound to get it.

Sure. The nun thing.

Anyway, I'm proud of my work. And ultimately, that's more important than

or not Barbara Walters is more popular than I am.

She is.

So she is. Well, my point is, if you're going to get the kind of stories I do,

you have to be tough.

I mean, what am I going to do? Plop Boris Yeltsin down on some flowered

and say, now, Boris, tell me, what makes you cry?

Right, right. Or you can go walking along the beach with Gaddafi and ask him

it hurts when people say mean things about him.

Oh, I bet I'd be popular then.

Oh, huge.

This isn't good, is it? No, it's not.

So what do I do?

Well... You could keep doing what you're doing, ignore public opinion and assume

it doesn't matter, George Bush.

You could do something to help the public's perception of you. Something

the lines of, say, hiring a publicist.

Piles, don't you remember what happened the last time you brought up this topic?

Oh, look, I can still see the imprint of your little face in the pebbles.

Murphy. Plenty of journalists have publicists. It's nothing to be ashamed

Corky has one. Frank has a couple. Jim doesn't have one. Jim's a national

treasure.

Okay, let's just say, for the sake of argument, my image needs a little

adjusting. You really think a publicist is the way to go?

If only the public could see you the way I'm seeing you now.

Soft, vulnerable, listening to a friend's opinion with an open, non

look on your face. Answer the damn question!

Get a publicist.

Just

so

you know, they are making decaffeinated teas now. You might want to give...

Attention. Let me make myself clear.

I've never needed a publicist before, and I'm not really sure I need one now.

my line of work, you people are the enemy. You stand between me and the

try to interview.

I don't really like your profession. I'm not sure I trust it. Oh, should it be

People magazine? Yes, much better. More accessible, wider circulation.

If you don't have a dog, we can rent one.

Maybe you didn't hear what I said. Honey, I've been doing this job since

God. Not once have I been greeted at the door by someone saying, My Q rating's

down. I'm a little nervous. Please help me.

It would be nice, but so would sets with Robert Redford, and neither's going to

happen.

Connie Chung's a friend of yours, right? Did you catch her on Letterman?

Dan Rather on Arsenio?

Chancellor on Leno? My idea, my idea, my secretaries, but I'm taking the credit

for it.

No offense, but we all know how those shows go. The host makes a few jokes at

your expense, and then they ask you if they can let a dog drink out of your

mouth.

The fact is, you've got an image problem. You come across as tough, maybe

tough. I'm guessing that interview you did last month with Saddam Hussein

generated a rise in sympathy for him.

Honey, you scare people.

Believe it.

Eldon, my painter slash nanny. A painter?

Splendid. If, if I need more pastels, what can you give me?

A paintbrush and a view of me leaving.

Okay, maybe you're right.

He gets to be right?

Sweetie, the morning's getting away from us, so we need to find a way to put

more positive information about you out there. Let's start by jotting down some

of the good things you do that you'd like people to hear about.

Don't be afraid to be sappy.

Good things that she does, huh?

Quite the challenging game to while away a dreary winter's day.

Let an old lady get ahead of her in line at the grocery store.

That's a point for me. Who's next?

Melvin, please, I'll tell you what I've done. I've broken scandals that have

saved taxpayers millions. I have sent corrupt politicians to prison. I've

discovered toxic waste dumping that's resulted in more stringent lawsuits. Did

say People magazine?

How about Who Gives a Fig Quarterly?

Honey, maybe I haven't been clear.

If no one's asking you to change your style, you can be a... tough as you

as long as you let some occasional glints of warmth shine through.

That's all I'm here to do, is to coax those glints out of me.

But if you're okay with a one and a half point drop, then I'll just be on my

way. This will give me a chance to spend a little more time with Bob Dole.

Tuesday is his smiling practice.

Oh, that's Avery. Uh, look, my...

just did. Eldon, see if you can find that check I wrote to Farm Aid, which

reminds me, they never sent me their T -shirt.

You know, now that I think about it, that time at the grocery store, when she

saw that old lady start to pay in all pennies, I think I'm back at zero.

I got some primer that I have to mix. This game is way too hard.

I am not going to do it. Nope, I'm not. I am not going to do it.

Okay, I am.

Oh, the little one.

You know, Murphy, seeing you with your son, it's a warm, beautiful image.

We'd be insane not to exploit it.

Oh, no, time out. It's hard enough on a kid having a famous mother. I'm not

going to drag him into the spotlight with me.

Okay, fine.

That's just one more magazine...

cover for Kathy Lee Gifford.

But I'm getting an idea.

I'm mulling it.

I'm loving it. I'll call you after I set it up. Wait a minute.

What is it? Honey, I'm putting you on Mulberry Lane.

The kids show? You've seen it.

Revoltingly cute, isn't it?

I know Avery loved it. All kids do.

And they watch it with their parents.

Just think, you...

Clinton on it. Now, I can bump Hillary back a week or so.

She'll be upset, but I'm still smarting over their tax plan, so who cares?

Wait a minute. Let me just think about this for a while. I'll call you

Fine. Later today.

Hey, wait. I just thought of one.

Oh, she's gone?

That's just as well. I made it up anyway.

I might as well tell you something now because you're going to find out sooner

or later anyway.

I met with a publicist this morning.

Oh, really?

So, I guess this means... That's right. Hell froze over, pigs are flying, and

you picked up a check.

I met with a publicist, Frank. A person can change their mind.

Well, Murphy, I think it's wonderful that you're mature enough to realize you

need help.

By the way, if Circus of the Stars calls, don't let them talk you into

trapeze act with Robert Urich. I did it last year, and his feet were very

slippery.

Thanks for the tip, Corky, but I'm going to be in Branson, Missouri that week

headlining at Yakov Smirnoff's What a Country Theater.

I don't know, maybe this whole thing was a mistake. This publicist is coming up

with ideas I'm not very comfortable with.

This morning she actually suggested I appear on Mulberry Lane.

It's a crazy idea, isn't it? A professional journalist appearing on a

show. Let's talk about something else.

Actually, lots of journalists have been on Mulberry Lane. I think Katie Couric

was on one.

I'm pretty sure Peter Jennings was, too. And don't forget McNeil and Lehrer.

Then why is it such a crazy idea for me to be on the show?

Well... Why did...

Did you say it was crazy?

Oh, because any self -respecting journalist has to question the

of appearing on a show for children. Of course, and that's exactly why we

laughed at the idea.

Let's talk about something else. No, no, no.

Understand this. For some reason, you seem to find it amusing that I would

appear on Mulberry Lane. I'm just curious as to why.

Well, if Mulberry Lane wants to add you to their roster of guests, they would be

wise to do so.

They're not going to let you sing, are they?

It's not that you don't have a charming voice. It's just that the experience

might be a little too intense for younger viewers.

I just want you to know that I only laugh because Frank and Jim did.

And I'm sure you wouldn't look nearly as awful as we think.

Amazing. I said I needed to show my warmer side. I just didn't think I

show it to my friends. You think I can't be warm? I can be warm. Of course you

can. Warm as hell.

I'm just saying that. But I am going to do Mulberry Lane, and I will be dripping

warm. We are talking melt.

A puppet warmth.

Doesn't that look delicious?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay, I've got a week to work on it.

It's good. It's very good. But if it's going to be a Muggleham house, it needs

more windows.

The Muggleham people hate feeling closed in.

Excuse me. I'm Murphy Brown. And thicker cushions on those Muggleham chairs.

They're very tender, Bob.

Yes. Oh, Jess Phillips. Welcome to Mulberry Lane. Oh, thanks. This is so

All the little buildings. The vegetable cart. My son loves the vegetable cart.

Oh, that reminds me. Mr.

Greengrocer. Is he weird about autographs? Not at all. But just try not

him when he's hosing down the fruit. That's his quiet time.

I see you got the script.

Uh, yeah, actually, I haven't really memorized it yet. I've had a very hectic

week. I don't know if you saw my interview Wednesday with Warren

I think I was fair with him. Tough, sure, but fair. What did you think?

Oh, I don't watch television after nine in the morning. I find it painful.

Now, if you'll just stand right over here, let's see who's playing on

Lane today.

Oh, Kelbo!

Hi there!

Look down there.

Why not?

Tell her, Jess. We just want you to relate directly to Kelbo, because if you

believe in Kelbo, then the audience does, too. And Kelbo hates it when

don't believe in him. Oh, I do. I do.

I really, really do.

Okay.

Nice to meet you, Kelbo.

Black flags, I'm sure.

Well, isn't anyone going to introduce me?

And this, of course, is Murphy Brown Bear.

Oh, wow.

Great jacket.

And I may be biased, but I think she is much classier than your Linda Ellerbee.

Oh, please.

No contest.

Now, before we get started, is there anything we can get you? Coffee, tea,

box?

No, I just wish I had more time to memorize my lines. Hey, hey, the script

just a guideline.

We like to be free here, let our imaginations go.

That's why we taped the rehearsal.

We got a lot of fun stuff that way. Yeah, like the time Robert De Niro

challenged me to a scary faith contest.

Now, come on, you're not allowed to worry when you're on Mulberry Lane.

be fine. Just be yourself. That's what people like to think.

Right.

Um, tell me, Kelbo, has Barbara Walters ever been on this show?

Hmm. I don't think so.

But I hear she's very popular.

Okay, everybody. It's another bright, shiny day on Mulberry Lane.

Cameras rolling and action.

Hello, I'm Murphy Brown Bear, Mulberry Lane's ace reporter.

Today we're going to learn about asking questions. And who better to learn from

than Murphy Brown herself.

I like Murphy Brown.

It's a pleasure to be here with both of you.

Yes.

It's important to ask questions because you can learn a lot by asking questions.

Isn't that right, Murphy?

Oh, you bet it is, Murphy.

If ever you're lost or you want to find out more about someone, asking questions

is a great way to find the answers.

Yes. Now, do you ask a lot of questions as a reporter?

Oh, I sure do.

interesting people and ask them a lot of very interesting questions of course

sometimes that makes me seem tougher than i'd like to be but sometimes

figures don't want to answer questions that the public has a right to have

answered you see the press is only exercising the right guaranteed to them

the first amendment which as i'm sure you know

of our Constitution.

And I'm sure that if all the mommies and daddies who are out there watching

think about it, they'll understand that's why I have to be so darn tough.

Why I have to ask questions like, tell me, Senator, do you honestly believe

Oliver North organized the diversion of fines to the Nicaraguan Contras without

higher authority?

We like to ask questions like, how old are you? Or what color is my fur?

Very good. But let's just hold it a minute, okay?

Is there a problem? You did say that we could go off the script.

Oh, sure, sure. But the words you're using, amendment, diversion, contrast,

they're not exactly in a four -year -old's vocabulary.

Well, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but if kids don't hear those

words, how are they going to learn them? And aren't we supposed to be educating

here? Yes, but we're teaching the alphabet, and you're preparing them for

bar exam.

I'll try to take it down a notch. I knew you could.

Um, Jess, should I be hugging the puppets more?

No, not really.

Just checking. Okay.

Okay, cameras rolling and action!

Now, I'm going to ask Murphy Brown a question to learn more about her.

Do you like being a reporter?

Oh, yes. I've wanted to be a reporter ever since I was a very little girl.

Especially after I saw Edward R. Murrow's legendary report accusing

McCarthy of misleading the public as to domestic threats of communism.

Oh, yeah.

Murrow was tough, but you didn't see anyone giving him a hard time about...

Uh, excuse me, Kelbo. I believe I was talking.

You talk a lot.

Yeah, well, that's what reporters are paid to do. Ha!

Then you must make a fortune.

Actually, I became a reporter to serve the public good. Actually, I became a

reporter to serve the public good.

You know, that's very cute, but it's not nice to mimic someone.

It's not nice to mimic someone.

I'm going to have to ask you to stop that. I'm going to have to ask you to

that.

Hey, this time I mean it. Hey, this time I mean it. Knock it off! Knock it off!

I know we should have gotten Barbara Walters.

I'm a respected journalist.

Can I do that again? I can do that better. I know I can do that better.

Murphy! Morning. Don't you sneak away from me.

Oh, just swell, swell. If I'm really slumped, I gotta go.

There's my little Sherry Lewis.

I can feel our demographics widening as we speak. Women 25 to 35, men 40 and up,

and now children 3 to 7.

Mommy, mommy, can't we stay up and watch that new show with that sweet blonde

lady? We love her.

So when's it gonna be off?

Uh, well, they don't really have a date yet. They're trying to find the best

time. Christmas, spring, 1995.

I'll let you know.

Murphy Brown.

Oh, hi, Eldon.

What? What?

It can't be on.

It was a disaster.

I'm still picking Kelbo fur out from under my fingernails.

She just called.

You guys don't want to watch this now? You're busy. I'll get a tape. We'll

it later.

Okay, okay. I know it looks bad. But when the camera's not on, those puppets

turn into nasty, backbiting movies.

What is that re -editing? Are they allowed to do that? I could sue their

little butts off. Oh, that would be great for your TVQ. Suing the most

kid show of all time.

self -educational. They wouldn't even let me use the word Contras.

This is all your fault, Miles. It was your stupid idea that I see a publicist

the first place.

Don't you think this show has been very educational?

Yes, yes. Thank you, Jim.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration.

Three nights starting Tuesday, June 21st at 10 p .m.

I can't hear you. Say it's best to plug your ears.