Original subtitles

I'll just need to see the Secretary General for 20 minutes to talk about the

World Health Organization.

Yes, of course I'll hold.

Okay, you still there? So what's it going to cost me?

Just to rent a pony? I just want him to give rides at my son's birthday party,

not run the third race at Pimlico.

Right, hold on.

Yes, he could see me at 9 .30. One second, I'll check.

Are you still there? Is there an 8 a .m. to New York?

8 .30. Hang on.

I don't know about the helium balloons. These are very tiny children.

Somebody grabs a few strings too many, and the next thing you know, we're

looking at a dot on the horizon.

All right, hang on.

Can he see me at 10?

Great.

I'll take the 8 .30 flight.

We go with the helium.

Have that pony there by 4, or I'll badmouth you to Maria Shriver. 57

grandchildren. Think about it.

Helen. I want you to pull the file on the World Health Organization.

And this is a list of health ministers from India, Uganda, the Philippines, and

so on. I want you to set up interviews with me for next week.

You know, I'd really feel better if you wrote this down. Oh, I don't have to.

You see, I'm taking a course to improve my memory.

When you say health ministers, I associate the word health with hospital,

is where you go when you have a broken bone. A broken bone is put in a cast. I

was in the cast of Bye Bye Birdie in high school.

Birdie's living trees, a tree is a plant, a plant can flower, and I have a

flower right on my desk.

So all I have to do is look at the flower, and I will remember that I was

screwed out of the lead in Bye Bye Birdie.

Goodman just because she put out I hated her.

Well, that seemed to work like a charm. And I associate the word charm with

lucky, which is what you'll be if you make it to lunch by a pencil.

Behold the amazing juggling woman, journalist by day, mother by night. For

next feat, I will catch the 8 .30 shuttle to New York next Tuesday,

interviews at the UN, and be back in time to host the social event of the

season. How do I do it?

Maybe I should have asked that first.

Don't worry, Dorothy. It's not going to be like some of my less successful

parties in the past.

You see that little cowpoke there on the invitation?

Kids love that kind of stuff. This time I know what I'm doing. Amazing. We were

talking about kids and the phrase, I know what I'm doing, just came out of

mouth. What are you going to say next? I think this waiter deserves a bigger

tip.

I will be at this party, Murph. This is something I've got to see.

All right, Frank. I know that few people thought my having a child would be a

disaster. Pat Robertson, Phyllis Schlafly, most of Utah.

But Amy and I have done it. We have survived a year of late -night feedings,

mysterious rashes, and my son's inexplicable attraction to the agony set

music that is Barry Manilow.

And we celebrate on Tuesday.

Well, I reckon I'd be mighty pleased to attend there, little lady.

See, I'm RSVPing into cowpoke theme.

Forget it, okay?

Okay, that's a yes for Corky Frank and Huffle Long Silverberg. Jim, what about

you?

You know, I've never been to a children's birthday party before.

I've never even had one, as a matter of fact.

My father didn't like the idea of strangers using our bathrooms.

A yes for Jim. Wouldn't miss it.

Helen, this is a guest list to my son's birthday party. The invitations are on

my desk, and they should go out tomorrow.

Right away, Miss Black. White.

Blue.

I'm on the one o 'clock shuttle to Washington.

Hope you haven't already pre -boarded the mother of the barge for the animals.

It's a present for my son's birthday. He's going to be one today. It's a very

big milestone. Your seat is confirmed.

As soon as the fog clears and the airport resumes operation, we'll be

What? The airport is closed due to fog. No, no, no, no, no. We can't be fogged

in. I don't have time for it. You see, I'm working on a schedule here and I

to be home today. You and 97 other people. Believe me, if I could blow the

away, honey, I would.

you're having a tough day, but let's not overreact. I myself once flew in an old

crop duster in a sandstorm just to interview Muammar Gaddafi. And on top of

that, the pilot had a lazy eye. So trust me, a little fog is nothing to worry

about. You know what I just thought of? Follow me on this. The entire airport is

closed, right? No planes in the sky of any kind.

Therefore, one plane could take off without any chance of hitting another

One plane up and down.

Poor idea. It should be our plane. Who's with me on this?

You. You look like the kind of guy who takes chances in life, lives on the

Come on, what a tiger. Let's do this. Who else? You want me to call security?

Okay, look, I am not going to stand around all day like these sheep, too

terrified to question your bureaucratic safety rules. I don't need your wussy

little airline. I can rent a car and be home in under four hours.

anything. I know it looks like I don't have a gift, but I have a special

surprise planned for you a little later. Yeah. Well, I don't know how to tell

you this, partner, but it looks like you waited a mite too long to feed the cow.

Hey, look, don't even start with me. This whole Western theme was her idea.

I wanted to go with the old masters. I was even willing to combine the two, but

somehow I couldn't get past the image of Mona Lisa soaking her saddle sores in a

big metal tub.

So where is the birthday mother? In town picking fights with sodbusters?

Why do I even bother?

She's hung up in New York, and that's another thing. There's already some

here, and I'm at a total loss as to what to do with them. Oh, well, since she's

not here, why don't you tell her that I stayed for four hours and had a

wonderful time? Here, this is a savings bump.

Oh, Jim.

Don't be such a scaredy cat.

Murphy will be here any minute. In the meantime, let's go meet some of Avery's

little friends.

Well, uh... Hello there.

Hi.

They're a lot older than I expected.

Where do you think I even met these people?

I'm guessing the International House of Pancakes.

Doesn't this seem a little weird, Elton?

Oh, it's hard to say. All her friends seem weird to me.

Of course, you know, I mean weird in a healthy, positive... Ah, skip it.

I'm telling you, this is weird.

Even for one of Murphy's parties.

It's a kid's birthday and there are no kids.

Excuse me.

Hello. Where are you?

What? What are you still doing in New York?

What am I supposed to do until you get here?

Yes, I have the list.

Oh, no, I don't think anyone in this crowd is going to want it.

Okay. No, okay, okay, okay, I'll do it. Just hurry up, will you please? Hurry

up.

Excuse me.

That was our hostess, and she's running just a tad late. But until she gets

here, there's still plenty to do.

Does anyone know the hokey pokey?

I'll get that. I'll get that.

There's 15 games on this list. One of them's got to ring a bell with this

I hope so, because I'm looking out that window right now and seeing one

terrified pony.

I think there's been a terrible mistake.

The mother tongue. How refreshing. Come on in. Thank you. You see, there were

two lists. One for the party and one for the U .N. interviews.

And I may have... If I could just see Miss Brown.

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Mohammed right over.

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jim this way, now.

bus ticket to Washington fast.

Yeah, yeah, everyone's in a hurry these days. Well, you just missed the Ben

Franklin. What's the Ben Franklin? It's part of our Celebrate America campaign.

Some genius upstairs decided to name all the buses. Cute, huh? Like naming it

Ben Franklin is gonna make it stink any less? Yeah, right.

Next bus.

Paul Revere. Now, he trots out and 20 minutes arrives at 6 .30 p .m. No, no,

that's too late. Who else have you got?

Oh, Alexander Howe. Hamilton, yeah, he'll get you there way before.

Oh, no.

Not today, he won't. Al only runs on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and let me

see, today is... Tuesday, it's Tuesday. Right.

Okay, here we go. You're going to take Betsy Ross to Princeton, switch to John

Adams, John Adams to John Quincy Adams, and I hear it gets a little tricky.

You're trying to break me, aren't you?

I want you to listen to me and listen to me carefully.

I have spent the last two hours arguing with car rental clerks, limousine

services, and Amtrak representatives. I am in no mood to stand around here and

play name that patriot.

Now, there must be a way to get to Washington that doesn't require four

transfers and a powdered weight.

The express bus.

Yes, the express. One ticket, please.

It's sold out.

Oh, God.

Please. I beg of you.

You're my last chance.

get there. This is my son's first birthday.

Right now, he's sitting at home in his party hat waiting for Mommy to walk

through the front door.

One ticket, please.

You know, when I see you on TV, you always come across like such a hard

But you're not.

You are obviously a very loving and sensitive person. So you'll help me?

are you, deaf? It's sold out.

Give me a ticket!

I want a ticket!

Security!

And this one is...

A snake.

Where you at?

Ah, a snake.

Real original jam. That makes six snakes, three earthworms, and a

no legs.

A little imagination.

I'm a journalist, not a circus clown. Nothing would matter with this crowd.

seen better audiences at funerals. And these are, um, married snakes.

Can't believe she actually brought it. Hey, what was the woman thinking?

Why didn't you just invite me in and rub a stray cat in my face?

Look at this. We've been here for two hours, and my surprise gift still hasn't

shown up.

Every time I try to do something like this, it never works out.

In a little while, they're going to be opening the presents, and the whole room

will think I've got nothing.

I'll be sitting here like an idiot while the word cheap is whispered in 30

different languages.

My people don't do well with hay.

That's why there are no Jewish cowboy stars.

Roy Rogers, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood.

All Gentiles.

It's the same with the women.

Barbara Stanwyck, huge queer in the saddle.

But I guarantee you'll never see Barbara Streisand in chaps with a whip in her

hand.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Coming through.

Coming through. Hey there, Miles.

Hey there, Frank. Hey there, buddy.

Looks like Avery pulled in quite a haul.

You know, I had a gift planned, but it never showed up. Still singing that old

song, huh, Frank?

Oh, you think you know so much. Well, know this, Phil.

I am not finished yet. If you'll excuse me, I'm going shopping.

Frank Fontana will not be humiliated again.

Good luck wearing that hat.

Ah, there he is.

There's the birthday boy.

Hi, Phil.

How you doing? So, how about this?

Avery's first birthday.

Interesting crowd.

this. Eldon, there's got to be some other activity on the list we can try.

Well, I suppose I could bring out that cow piñata.

Dear Lord, are you mad? If our Hindu friends see us whacking a heifer with a

stick, this case could be stopped.

Here, look. You take the little prince.

I'll get that.

You're in big trouble now. That's why the police told me to hold it down.

overdressed, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm going to be performing nearby later on, but I promised Frank Fontana

that I'd stop by here first.

Oh, you must be his big surprise.

Yep, yes I am.

So, what are you, a magician?

I'm Barry Manilow.

Uh -huh.

Barry Manilow, the singer.

Oh, that's too bad. I'd like to see what a magician could do with this crowd.

Well, look, as long as you're here, let's give it a shot.

All right, fellas.

Bring in the piano.

Look, I hope you got paid already because I only got about 20 bucks on me.

I wanted to be here so much.

I tried so hard to get back.

I thought I had it licked when I signed up for those driving lessons in

Baltimore, but halfway here, the teacher wised up.

There's a piano in my house. Yeah, well, that's... I never should have gone to

New York. I should have just canceled the interview, but oh, no, I had to play

Wonder Woman and prove I could do it all.

I can't do it all, Eldon.

It's too hard.

I don't know any more now about balancing my life than I did a year ago.

And it's Avery who suffers for it. Oh, okay, hold on now. I think that you're

being a little too hard on yourself.

I mean, look at this baby. This is not a suffering kid.

Now, part of that's because he's whacked out on birthday cake.

But a big part of that is you. Now, I'm not saying that you're perfect.

And frankly, you know, when you read him Goldilocks, your mama bear and your

baby bear voices sound suspiciously similar.

But you're coming along, and you've really come a long way.

And I have to tell you, That as far as this party goes, he's not even going to

remember you weren't here.

Maybe not.

But I will.

I missed it, Eldon.

The only time he'll turn one in his life.

And I missed his birthday party.

I missed his first bite of cake.

I missed him opening his presents. What the heck is that stuff?

Oh, this is a kalimba. It's an ancient African instrument. It's got a very

soothing tone.

This is an abacus.

It's an old computer.

And, of course, this is Ganesh, the Indian elephant god of wisdom and

prosperity.

Geez, haven't these people ever heard of Toys R Us?

Oh, no, I don't believe this.

To Avery, love, Uncle Frank.

Barry Manilow, this one's for you.

Barry Manilow, because it's Christmas.

Barry Manilow, the complete collection with home video. Did he think this was

funny?

Actually, there's a very amusing story attached to those.

I want to hear it. Barry Manilow Showstoppers, Barry Manilow Live. Now,

a nightmare.

Could have been worse. You might have had to pay for them.

Oh, my God.

I don't know if he'd done Manilow.

Oh, my God.

Ellen, those murals in the study are really incredible.

Would you consider doing an album cover?

An album cover?

That's an intriguing thought.

No.

Excuse me, I have to clean up some plates. I actually have to sweep up some

plates. I have no idea how that pony opened the dishwasher.

Um, about that nightmare comment, I can explain. You see, I already had most of

these, so returning them would be a nightmare.

Oh, yeah.

Look, Frank already told me who the Manilow fan is in this family, and I

tell you, Avery's a terrific audience.

I can't believe that you came all this way just to sing to my kid.

It's just incredible.

I only wish I'd been here for it.

Well, you know, I've got a couple of minutes.

What do you say I do something just for the two of you?

Oh, really? You don't have to. Okay.

Sit down and listen.

Who knows? You might even like it.

I'm very hard to resist.

Well, all right.

You're not going to play one of those really long ones, are you?

Keep it up and I will.

we're

Whatever I am, you taught me...

Well, it wasn't that bad, was it?

No, it wasn't.

In fact, it was wonderful.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I should be going. I'm performing at the White House, and if

late, the president might decide to open the show.

You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to get an audience back once they've

heard Yakety Sax.

Oh, listen, I... We can't thank you enough for doing this.

As you can hear, it meant a lot to Avery, and I don't think I'll ever be

tell you what it meant to me.

Well, he's a great kid.

Enjoy him.

I'm going to.

Hi, it's me.

Listen, um, we have to have a talk.

You know, this just isn't working out for me.

Well, it means that, uh, I'm not as good at this juggling act as I thought I

was. I think we ought to make some changes.

I'm not sure what kind.

Miles, your ears couldn't be bleeding. You wouldn't be able to hear me.

Just calm down.

All right, we'll talk tomorrow.

Happy birthday sweetheart.

I love you.

Murphy Brown is a Tchaikovsky English production in association with Warner

Brothers Television and is distributed by Warner Brothers.