Original subtitles

That sweet and sour chicken looks good, Frank.

Sesame noodles, Corky. That's an excellent choice.

Mom!

I went with my usual low main.

Yep, that's the old low main. No surprises here.

I like that mysterious and magical shrimp dish you're eating there, Jim.

Phil's here!

Hi!

I tried to look this year. Bill, Bill, what are you doing here, Bill? Oh, I was

just catering some fancy schmancy luncheon up in the executive wing, and I

thought I'd drop by and... What's this?

Uh, well, let's see. It, uh, seems to be wood and pointy.

Good. I'm stumped. Anyone else? I smell Kung Pao shrimp.

What the hell is going on here?

Cheating on me.

It's just cheap takeout. It doesn't mean anything. Is it just this one Chinese

place or have there been others?

Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

Tell my man.

What do you got in the box, Miles?

Bogeys for the crew?

Whatever happened to that little thing called loyalty?

I feel so used.

Poor Phil.

Every time Clinton's photographed eating at another McDonald's, he goes off the

deep end.

Miles, are you hungry? Grab a plate. I'm not hungry, Corky. And after you see

what I have in this box, none of you will have much of an appetite either.

Here it is. The new set for FYI. What new set? You've got to be kidding.

Now, listen here, Miles.

I'm senior anchor. If there's a new set, I should have been consulted weeks ago.

I agree, Jim. But unfortunately, Mitchell Baldwin, whose title Senior VP

outranks yours, likes to do things his way. He calls it a set for the 21st

century designed to move FYI into the future.

It's weird.

It's ugly. Oh, it's stupid. That was my idea.

I pitched this stuff to the network five years ago. They laughed at me.

Called me Silverberg the Dreamer.

Are you so desperate to get recognition from Baldwin you'll take credit for the

dumbest idea ever?

Yes.

There are no chairs.

Where are we expected to sit?

No, don't tell me. In the 21st century, news people will have no need to sit. Is

that it?

We'll just all be expected to stand around. Our legs now grotesquely

overdeveloped. And those rebels among us who still enjoy sitting will be shipped

off to some penal colony somewhere.

Jim, you would do the news from these podium things.

See? There you are.

Standing. That looks just like you, Jim. Oh, and this must be... Oh, man.

They drew me with less hair than I have now.

It's the future, Frank.

Did you think you would have more hair?

I think we all agree this set is a huge mistake. It's ugly and we hate it. I say

we just confront Baldwin and tell him we don't want it. Come on, Murph. Admit

it. We don't have a shot. Baldwin has been here for eight months. We haven't

gotten away with him once. The guy is impossible to manipulate.

No one's impossible to manipulate.

Besides, I think I've finally gotten a handle on Mr. Mitchell Baldwin.

The man respects strength, and every time we give in to him, it hurts us.

say the next time we see him, we play hardball. We just tell him straight out,

no set, no way. He's the dreamer.

Frank, what are you doing with that?

Coloring in my hair.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Oh,

Miles, I see you've had a chance to present our exciting new set to the

So, the new FYI, what do you think?

I think it's a piece of... We all think it's a...

brilliant design concept. As brilliant now as it would have been, say, five

years ago. Miles, we are having a few minor problems.

What kind of problems? We hate it.

Look, I'm aware that the set I proposed here, a two -level, state -of -the -art,

high -definition, multi -monitor media environment, is a radical departure from

what you're all used to. Fake wood and carpet.

But I am convinced that this is the proper set to propel FYI into the new

millennium. We've already shown it to some focus groups, and they test it very

well. With who? The Klingons?

All this talk of a new set is ridiculous.

When I started out, the set was a desk, a globe, a clock.

Occasionally, Betty Furness would walk through trying to hawk a refrigerator.

Those were simpler times.

Times when people sat.

Look, Mitchell, FYI and that fake wood have been very successful for 15 years.

Listen to us. We know what works.

Well, I guess if you feel that strongly, I'll have to think about it. I thought

you'd see it my way. I said I'd think about it.

Oh, and Murphy, as long as I'm here.

I'm sponsoring this corporate dinner for the Washington University Scholarship

Fund. It's a great cause, and your presence would definitely help us raise

money. You don't have to say another word, Mitchell. I'd be happy to help you

out. That's terrific.

Sunday night, 8 o 'clock. I'll have my assistant send you directions.

Uh, better yet, why don't we go together? That way we take one car, save

emissions, and make Al Gore happy.

Pick me up at 7. Fine, 7 it is. I'll see you there.

Well, so much for the hardball.

We're still stuck with this awful set.

And on top of it, he got you to do a favor for him.

Corky, Corky, he didn't get me to go to the dinner. I wanted to go. That way I

get him out of the office, his center of power, and into my house, my center of

power. Once he's there, I'll get him to drive to the dinner in my car, my center

of power on wheels.

With each little battle I win, I'm setting up a pattern for the bigger one.

the beauty of it is, he won't even know it's happening.

You just wait. By Monday morning, we'll have our old setback.

Frank, I think you can stop coloring now. You look like Wayne Newton.

Look at this.

Can you believe it?

He's late.

Baldwin's never late.

I know what he's doing.

He's trying to get the upper hand.

See? Here I am, waiting for him.

By asking him to come at 7, I had the power. By showing up late, he's taking

back. I hate this.

You know, sometimes your voice...

Takes on the exact timber of a ten -foot truck going under a nine -foot

overpass.

Eldon, that's him. Tell him I'm not ready.

What do you mean you are ready?

Eldon, just lie to him. Whoa, lie?

Eldon Bernicke does not lie.

Eldon, I have to keep him waiting in order to get back the balance of power.

Just make up a reason why I'm running late. No.

No, that's underhanded. It's against my personal code of ethics and...

When it comes to lying, I'm real bad.

Oh, like that's ever stopped anyone in Washington. Just do it.

Uh, hello.

Is this Murphy Brown's residence?

Yeah. Come in.

Is Murphy ready?

She's, uh... There was a terrible accident.

She came running down these stairs earlier, and she tripped over that

Just at the moment that I was working with exposed electrical wiring, she fell

on the live wires.

Took on about 100, 160 volts, burned her hair, her dress, blacked out some of

her teeth.

I'm her brother, Leon Strimley. Will you get down here?

I didn't hear the bell.

I see you've met him. Your brother, Leon Strimlack. Strimlee, Lee.

I have to go now.

You... Avery's nanny. You'll have to excuse him. He

accidentally swallowed some Play -Doh earlier.

So I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long.

Not at all. Actually, I was a little late myself.

Oh, is that right? I hadn't noticed.

Well, I guess we should go.

Mitchell, listen, since you were kind enough to drive all the way over here,

don't I drive the rest of the way? I'll just get my keys. No, it's okay, Murphy.

I like to drive. Besides, I'm parked behind you in the driveway.

You know, Mitchell, this is a little embarrassing, but I tend to get car sick

riding in the passenger seats, all that weaving and popping.

So I think I should drive. No, you'll be fine. I have a Range Rover.

The ride is as smooth as ice.

Well, you don't know from ice who you've ridden in my Porsche.

I'm too big. I can't fit in a Porsche.

After you.

Uh -huh, after me.

You know, since we're going to be taking your car, why don't I supply the

driving music? If I remember correctly, you listen to country, right? That's

right. Well, this is your chance to hear some Motown. I'll just get my tapes.

Again, Murphy, I'm sorry. I completely forgot that my CD system doesn't play

tapes. Yeah, it's funny the things one forgets sometimes.

Car sickness thing I mentioned. You don't mind if I turn this down for a

do you? Oh, no problem.

Would you like a little fresh air? Yeah, that might be nice.

Um, your power window doesn't seem to be working. Oh, no, they're fine.

I have it set so I control all the windows from my side.

Just tell me how far you want it down.

Uh, maybe it'd be a little easier if you switched it so I could do it myself.

Oh, it's okay. I don't want to fill around with the controls while I'm

Just say when.

Oh, that's a little too much. Can you just put up the touch? Sure.

Spin more.

More.

More. A little more.

More.

Too much. Just a little.

Why don't I switch this so you can adjust it from your side?

Oh, okay.

So, this is a Range Rover.

Not bad.

But couldn't you get the same effect by buying a Ford Explorer and gluing 20

grand to the hood?

Mitchell, I think you might want to take your next left here. Oh, thanks, but I

know where I'm going, Murphy.

I'm sure you do. It's just that I've lived here for 15 years. I feel I might

have a little better lay of the land.

I think I planned this out pretty good, Murphy. We'll just take Rhode Island

over to First, then First to Bryan, and... What?

Nothing.

This route is fine, Murphy.

I didn't say it wasn't.

We'll get there.

Of course, we'll be a little late, but you're fine with that.

I am.

Good.

How late?

Worry? No.

Ten, fifteen minutes.

Not the ideal scenario, given that you're the chairman of the event, but

sure they'll understand once they see those directions.

You can get us there sooner?

You take your next left. Go for three blocks, a right under the bridge,

left, through the industrial park, a right, a left. We'll be there in nine

minutes flat.

Nine minutes.

I'm counting.

So, Mitchell, we've been working together for a while now. I think you've

to respect my opinion on matters regarding FYI.

You know, editorial policy, set design, that kind of thing.

Whoa! Got some shots on this baby, why don't you?

Well, the street is all dug up. Look at that sign. They're doing road work. Oh,

that sign's been there for years. We locals don't pay any attention to it.

road's fine.

We'll be there in eight minutes and 15 seconds, trust me.

Yeah, well, I usually don't like driving on...

Oh, there it is. Fine.

Boy, the breaking distance on this thing leaves something to be desired.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

So what's the story?

It's your oil pan.

How is it?

I won't know until I can take a look at it. So it's... It's not here.

I knew it. As soon as it happened, I said to myself, this car is minus one

pan.

Thank you, Murphy.

What about the muffler?

It's no good.

Gone? Gone would be a big improvement.

It's wrapped around the rear axle.

You've been driving my Porsche. You could have maneuvered around that

no problem.

If it had stuck to my route, there wouldn't have been a pothole to maneuver

around. Your route would have taken us forever.

Oh, right, as opposed to yours, journey to the center of the earth.

They say what's happening here, two people feeling the strain of the

Looking to assign the blame.

You gotta channel your anger at this moment.

Divert it away from each other and use this time for introspection and personal

cleansing.

Oh, yeah. We'll do that. Can you fix this?

Excuse me, Murphy. This is my car. I think I can handle this. I know how to

to a mechanic.

Hector, do you think you can repair the damage?

Oh, that was very impressive.

And so much clearer. You should teach a seminar.

If you don't have anything positive to add, why don't you go back to playing

with the air compressor?

Nah, I'm sick of that.

Look, we're in a big hurry. Is there any way that you can patch things up enough

so I can drive it now? It's going to take me at least an hour to fix this,

Maybe two.

Oh, wonderful. This is just wonderful.

All right, where's your phone? I'll call the cab.

I think not.

I've only seen one cab in this neighborhood after dark, and it was

high speed chase at the time.

My friends are going to be here for a while, so I suggest you relax and make

yourself comfortable.

This is unbelievable.

My car is trashed.

Sponsoring a dinner that I'm not going to make it to.

I'm starving.

What a lovely evening.

Thank you.

Like I'm having fun? Just so I wanted to spend my evening being analyzed by

Pennzoil's answer to Sigmund Freud.

I need another quarter.

You're not going to eat stuff out of the vending machine.

Those malted milk balls look like they've got fur growing out of them. I

care. I'm hungry. Do you or do you not have a quarter? Okay, okay.

But if I'm kicking in half, I want something I can eat, too.

Let's get the cheese and crackers. No, I'm getting the peanut butter cups.

Cheese and crackers, better way to go. Hold it, hold it.

I was the one who came up with the idea. I think I should have first choice, and

I like peanut butter cups.

Well, that's a fascinating bit of personal information, Mitchell.

Shopping for you is going to be much easier this Christmas.

Peanut butter cups are more filling.

Cheese and crackers are healthier.

Peanut butter cups are easier to split.

Cheese and crackers cover two food groups, dairy and grain, while peanut

cups cover only one, the lard family.

I want the peanut butter cups. Okay.

Okay. I don't want to be a big baby like some people. And I mean big baby.

Get the peanut butter cups.

What are you doing?

Wait, where is it? Where are my cheese and crackers?

Get the cheese and crackers. Where are my peanut butter cups?

It's jammed.

Well, now you've done it.

Me? You're the one who cheated and pulled a knob at the same time.

You always got to have things go your way, don't you? You twist everything

around. That's what happens when you want the way you want. Up a little, too

much. Down a smidge, too much.

Maybe. If anyone has to have things their way, it's you, mister shows -up -a

-little -late. Mister I -forgot -I -have -a -CD player. You've been doing it all

night, manipulating every little situation so you come out on top.

Oh, you want to talk manipulation? The only reason you agreed to come to this

thing tonight was because you thought you could manipulate me into changing

set design.

Which is exactly what you wanted me to think when you invited me in the first

place. I saw through your clever little scheme.

I am the one person you can't manipulate, and that drives you crazy

always have to be in complete control.

I have to be in control?

Oh, man, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black. Oh, now it's a black

thing.

It is not a black thing. It is a Murphy Brown thing.

Because of you, my car's ruined. Because of you, my bank was ruined. Because of

you, I never got my damn peanut butter cup.

I cannot stand idly by and let this happen.

With all the hate there is in the world, all the discord and mistrust, we've got

to do everything we can to treat each other with love and respect.

I thought the two of you would know that better than anyone.

You have a forbidden love.

But not easy, you know that. Oh, Mike, you're a walk in the park.

Geez, I've never met anyone so obsessed with being right.

With the exception of myself, of course.

I know what you mean.

There was a moment back there when I looked at you and I thought to myself,

there I am.

If I'd been born a loud, blonde, white woman.

So, where do we go from here?

Well, it's pretty clear we're never going to be able to manipulate one

So I guess the only other choice is to be completely honest.

We don't trust each other, we're both obsessive, and we'll run down anyone who

gets in our way.

Friends? Friends.

See?

In my design, I had podium soup.

five years ago.

That's really interesting, Miles.

Morning, guys.

Murphy, how'd it go with Baldwin last night? What did he say? Did he cave in?

I get to sit?

Take it easy. At least let me get some coffee.

Actually, Mitchell and I never got around to talking about the pet last

Why not?

Well, you relax.

Everything is fine.

Actually, it's better than fine.

The reason I can say that is because...

Last night, something very special happened between Mitchell and me.

Oh, my God!

Murphy! You slept with him?

I hope you're all happy. Murphy gave herself to the boss just so Jim could

a chair.

Thank you, Slugger.

I didn't sleep with him. I got to know him. We stopped playing games and were

completely honest with each other. We developed a closeness and...

Dare I say it, a friendship that I think we'll both treasure for years to come.

Oh, yeah. She slept with him.

Please stop it.

All I'm saying is I don't think we have to worry about that new set anymore.

Why, you ask?

Because one of the added bonuses of friendship is that it's a great way to

manipulate someone.

Good morning, team.

Murphy,

can I brush you a little something on my way upstairs?

Cheese and crackers.

You had to be there.

Um, Mitchell, listen, since we're all here, why don't we close up on this set

thing?

Bottom line, we hate it. It makes us uncomfortable, and that's not good for

show. But being honest, like we agreed.

Well, Murphy, I see your point.

Okay. Your set stays.

I hope this proves once and for all that my personal agenda takes a back seat to

the good of the show.

Now maybe we can all be a little less suspicious of each other and work to

the show that much better.

We considered the same idea five years ago. What'd you say, Molly?

I couldn't quite hear you.

Nothing.

Just stuff you say in a group.

By the way, we're going to have to cut the budgets for your individual stories

by 12%. What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, it's belt tightening time.

Oh, you are good.

You are really good. I never even saw it coming. What are you talking about?

There never was any news that it was all just a cover to cushion the bigger blow

of the budget cuts. Murphy, please, would I go through all of that trouble

to get my wage? Yes, I know, because it's exactly what I would have done. I'm

telling you, I only got the word on the budget cuts this morning. Perfect is

exactly what I would have said. Murphy, that's what we hadn't understood.

It's like the words are coming out of my mouth.

Don't miss the next episode of Hijinx, featuring Falling Desserts and celebrity

prankster Richard Kind.

Tomorrow at 9 .30, only on Nick at Night.