Original subtitles

So, before we call it a night, I want to thank everyone for a phenomenal week's

work. Such effort brings to mind the immortal words of Napoleon.

The one who has returned from Moscow said, Jim, blue stuff's coming out of

shirt.

Oh, for the love of... This is a brand new shirt.

Why do you order these cheap ballpoint pens, Miles? This is my fault? How is

this my fault?

If you got them so there'd be less office of life after it's working. I

wouldn't take them home. Not after that box leaked in my purse.

It's time to hit the road. This pen is precisely what's wrong with the world

today. Nothing is made right anymore.

It's a conspiracy by manufacturers to drive us all insane.

Now, Jim, you're just having a bad day, that's all.

Bad day, my hiney.

Copier breaks down.

Coffee machine goes on the fritz.

No one has any pride in what they do anymore.

Yep, no pride. Here's your coat, Jim. Let's roll. Starts with a leaky pen, and

the next thing you know, some momo sitting in a missile silo in North

playing his Game Boy with one elbow resting on the annihilation button.

Don't you know it. The world's gone mad. You guys don't mind if I stop at that

market on the corner, do you? I need to pick something up. Murphy, not again.

Why do you always do this the one day of the week that we carpool, Murphy?

I wanted to get to the gym before all the really big sweaty people.

Come on, Corby, it's not for me. It's for Avery.

He was a little cranky when I left this morning because I only had time to do

this little piggy on one of his feet. He really hates that. So I thought I'd

make it up to him by getting him a jar of his favorite baby food.

What if you'd rather deprive a baby of the nutrients he needs? All right,

enough.

Miles,

what are you doing? You're holding us up. I am calling Audrey to tell her I'm

going to be a little late. I haven't even been living together for two months

already. He's hand -picked.

I am not henpecked, Frank. I'm being considerate.

That's what you do when you live with someone who doesn't have to be

periodically.

Hi, hi. It's me. We're leaving now, but Murphy wants to stop at the market, too.

Yeah, I know she always does it.

What am I, a legend in these parts? Let's move it, people. I'm telling you,

world is going to hell in a handbasket. Last week, Doris took the car to have

the tires rotated.

I checked them later that night. They hadn't been rotated at all.

The only thing the mechanic rotated was our money into his pocket.

Audrey's feeling a little under the weather and she wants me to pick

up for her. Soup.

Chicken soup?

I'm telling you, I'm just going to be in and out. I don't want you two slowing

me down. I'm only buying soup, Murphy. I'll be out of here before you will. And

I'm not waiting in the car with Jim ranting and raving about postal

Two minutes, Corky. I mean it.

Two minutes.

Corky?

I was doing that incredibly boring media banquet.

It was endless, wasn't it? They'd lift my head off the plate to serve the

entree.

Look, I was going to call you, you know, now that you and your husband... to see

if you wanted to have dinner sometime.

Oh, well, that would be nice, but I'm not really ready to... Sure,

I understand.

Well, I'd better get going.

My dogs have to be fed.

Yeah, I gotta feed those dogs. Yeah, well... Well, I'll see you around.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Excuse me. You seem to be out of baby time chicken, potato, and green bean

dinner. Do you think you could look and see if you have it in the back?

If you don't see it on the shelf, we don't have it.

You don't have it here.

Isn't there the possibility you might have it in the back?

Absolutely not.

Look, I admire a man who's firm in his convictions, but would you mind just

checking anyway?

See, it's my baby's favorite, and I'd hate to disappoint him.

Lady, life is full of disappointments.

If I have to go in the back there and dig through stacks of boxes in a dirty

storage room just to come back here and tell you something I already know, I'll

be disappointed.

Look at it this way. It's easier than explaining to your boss why you were

unconscious in the baby food aisle with your apron wrapped around your head.

You got guts, I'll give you that.

Chicken, potato, and green beans, right?

Murphy! Murphy, I'm hurrying. I'm just waiting. Look!

Wow. It's an amazing photo, I'll admit. But do you really think that at age 76,

President Kennedy would be water skiing? Not that!

This! It's a picture of Will at a Hollywood party, and look who he's with!

Cher?

Cher seen nightclubbing it with Dutch boy screenwriter Will Forrest.

papers yet.

They're holding hands.

Look at that stupid grin on his face. He always had that.

Look, Corky, I'll bet Will doesn't even know Cher. You know these tabloids, they

always doctor those photos.

This was probably taken of them coming out of church.

Oh, sure.

Look at that dress she's wearing. What church is it, Murphy? Our lady of look

my bazooms?

Oh, no, Corky, you're not going to start binging again. You've been handling the

divorce so well.

I know what he was doing at three in the morning watching those exercise videos.

He's sick.

Three minutes, right, Corky?

Chicken, potato, green bean. How about it? They stopped making it. What? What

are you talking about? That's my kid's favorite.

Well, then maybe you should have told your kid to eat a little bit more of it

you could have kept them in business.

Thank you for shopping at Maytime.

I don't need you.

People have been feeding babies long before there were baby food stackers

you, you know.

I'll just do what they did.

I'll make my own. Hear that?

Where'd you keep the chicken?

Can I help you find something?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just observing your shelf display here.

I'm with the marketing division of Jones, Jones, Jones, and Bernstein.

It always amazes me just how many of these female types of products there

mean, if someone were simply told to, say, pick up a box of pads, one might be

confused by all the choices.

You're a first -time buyer, aren't you?

Please, help me.

The person I'm buying them for is a woman.

She's about this tall, she weighs 125 pounds, and she likes to wear hats, if

that's any help.

Well, you've got your thin maxi, regular thin, ultra thin, curved with wings.

extra thick, overnight, double ply, heavy ply. That's very helpful. Thank

Thank you.

Look, I'm in a little bit of a hurry. Which one of these would you use?

Not that I'm imagining you, you know, using any of these.

In fact, you probably don't use any of these at all.

Not that I'm implying anything about your age.

You could use these. I don't know. I really know nothing about it. I'll just

take these. Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

Have you tried the Brie de Meaux?

I'm wondering if it's as mild as the Brie de Coulomiers.

Sorry, I've never had it.

You know, when I was in France covering the Peace Summit, I'm a reporter.

Mitterrand threw a little get -together, and he just went on and on about the

bruit de mort. I said, yes, Francois, it's very good, but I'm a man of simple

taste. If he gets one of these from nine out of ten mice, that's good enough for

me.

He laughed, of course, in that way that he always does.

soup. Jim, have you seen it? Our streets used to be safe at night.

Now they've become a virtual battleground, rampant with the very

Westphalian ham.

Oh, no, Jim, not you too. I'm never gonna get out of here. Murphy, look,

Westphalian ham.

I used to eat it as a boy those summers on Cape Cod.

I can still taste its savory goodness.

Feel the sun, warmth of the sun on my face.

Laughing at the waves.

Salt water, stinging the various scrapes on the knee, proudly attained by

scrambling over rocks with the McCormick brothers.

Jeez, Jim, next time you sit in the car with the motor running, maybe you better

crack the window.

Just be ready in two minutes, okay?

Rice flour, what the hell is that?

Cookie, look, Westphalian ham. It's the best in the world.

Grab me one, will you, Jim? I want to pick up an eight -pack of pudding before

they're gone. I hear they're on special.

I would like to have a Westphalian ham sandwich, please.

You got it. Do you want it on a white, wheat, or a Kaiser roll? White.

Always white.

With mustard, tomato, and a slice of Swiss.

Wouldn't be the same without the Swiss. But no lettuce.

You got it.

Anything else I can get you with that?

You wouldn't happen to have some salt water in the McCormick brothers back

there, would you?

I believe I've seen you in here before. Now, just to fill you in, we'll open at

7, close at 11, and have a reputation of not being lenient on shoplifters.

Shoplifters? Oh, oh, you must mean these.

No, I only had them under my jacket to keep them warm.

That's the way my wife likes them.

Yep, just about the right temperature now.

Well, I have many more items to pick up. I mean, purchase.

It's nice chatting with you, store manager Bob.

Carry on.

Excuse me, you're making my sandwich on wheat bread. I believe I asked for

white. So now you want it on white?

I always wanted it on white. That's what I asked for, white.

I don't think so.

I know so.

I ate this same sandwich every summer for the better part of my youth. I never

would have asked for wheat.

Well, we'll never know for sure, will we?

Okay, I'll make it on white, if that's what you want now.

Now, the important thing to remember in choosing cantaloupe...

is that touch doesn't tell you nearly as much as smell.

Now, I know it's a much more sensuous way to pick fruit, but it really works.

Oh, yeah.

It's a very fresh and musky aroma.

You sniff me out a winner.

I'll get grapes.

No, no, no, that's mayonnaise. I asked for mustard.

So now you want mustard?

Ask for mustard.

I don't think so.

Jeez, I can't find anything in this stupid market.

Spices are next to cat food. Pots and pans are with olive oil. I haven't seen

this kind of organization since Clinton's transition team took over.

Isn't she great, Murph? Her name is Michelle, and she grew up going to

school just like I did.

Oh, great.

Another person who feels guilty taking a shower without any clothes on.

Morning, Frank.

I'm checking out of here in five minutes. If you haven't reeled in Miss

Uniform and Knee Socks Fantasy by then, the bus is leaving without you.

How'd I do, considering I only use my eyes?

It's great.

Um, Michelle, look, I don't know if you've had...

Dinner, yes. There's this great Italian place and... Corky.

Corky, what are you doing?

Let's see.

I'm in a market.

Pushing a cart filled with food.

I'm duck hunting, Frank.

Would you just excuse me, Michelle?

Corky, what are you doing with all this junk food? I thought you were past this.

Wow, is that JFK?

It's not like I thought Will and I would ever get back together.

That's not what I want.

When I saw that picture, I just... Oh, uh,

Corky, um, this is Michelle. Michelle Corky. Hello.

Men suck.

Shut up, Sloan. I'll be right back.

Look, lady, if you don't see rice flour, we don't have rice flour.

You are asking for it, my friend.

I don't have a lot of time, so just hear me out, okay?

Now, it is perfectly... You have pie on your sweater.

It is perfectly natural for you to be upset when you see your ex with someone

else for the first time.

You had to expect this was going to happen sooner or later.

I don't know what I expected.

I never really thought about it that much.

Other than one day, 20 years from now, Will and I would run into each other by

chance at a ski resort in Utah where he was supporting himself as a waiter.

And I and my French diplomat husband and our two children, Jean -Pierre and

Tammy, would come in for dinner.

Tammy sends her steak back.

Sure, there's that possibility.

Look, Courtney, I know that this divorce is the toughest thing that you've ever

had to bounce back from. But you and Will both wanted it, right?

Well, you shouldn't forget that. Okay, so Will is out there. He's moving on.

He's putting it behind him. Now, I know that you're going to do the same thing

as soon as you're ready.

Come on.

Let's just put this junk food back.

Well... The stuff without saliva on it, isn't it?

Nick at night.

Frank.

Michelle, you're still here. I thought you'd checked out.

I put my groceries in the car, but I wanted to talk to you.

Well, sure. Great.

What's up?

I feel a little funny admitting this, but when you were talking to your friend

Corky, I was in the next aisle over, and I couldn't help overhearing.

What you said to her showed a lot of sensitivity and understanding.

Well...

I always like to put the feelings of others before my own.

Anyway, um, you know about that little Italian place?

Frank, you should also know I'm a nun at Immaculate Heart on Michigan Avenue.

A nun?

You know, if you don't want to go out with me, you could just say so, but a

I mean, come on.

Where's your guitar?

No, no, that was disrespectful.

You should take me over to the school supply room and hit me with a ruler.

this.

Here's my church discount card.

It's not my best picture. It was muggy that day and my veil was riding low on

forehead.

I hit on a nun.

I'm going to hell.

Greg, I knew what you were up to the entire time and I went along with it. It

was fun.

I'm not going to hell for that. Well, sure, you know someone.

Then once the ham is in place, the tomato is positioned under the cheese so

it won't slide off when bitten into.

Are you paying attention?

You really shouldn't be back here. I'll get in trouble. Young man, in my book,

you're in trouble now.

You have to learn how to listen to details because the day will come when

will no longer tolerate the slipshot state of affairs that passes for

acceptable. And then, by God, you will hear a collective cry of enough.

Enough to having your sandwich screwed up, your imported shirt ruined, and

damn video games wiping out the human race.

There. See? I've struck a universal chord. Who's next?

I ain't no way. I'm back.

Hand me the mustard.

You're not ready yet.

Anyway, just before the recital, Joey Caprizzi and I stuffed all the hymnals

into her piano.

You're bad.

This has been fun, Frank.

So I guess I'll see you at confession.

You bet.

Bye, Michelle.

Sister.

I came in for a jar of baby food and ended up with a wagon train.

I can't do this, Frank.

I blew it this morning by not spending enough time with Avery, and now I'm

blowing it again.

Why? Because you're not going to cook him dinner from scratch?

Believe me, Avery doesn't want to see you cooking. He just wants to see you.

Yeah, me, his crazy mother.

All this time I've been walking up and down these aisles, I've been thinking...

I bet this doesn't happen to Joan London or Katie Couric.

They would have foreseen their baby's favorite food going out of stock and

bought enough of it to feed them into old age.

Especially Couric. She hoards everything like a demented squirrel.

You know, I'm sure Avery would be a lot more forgiving about this than you.

So what am I supposed to do, Frank?

Buy him the beef and broccoli medley? What if he hates it?

Well, then you spend some quality time together wiping it off the kitchen

Well, then, I better get some sponges and a mop.

Thanks, Frank.

Oh, what can I say? I am just a sensitive guy today.

And it's all going to waste on platonic friends and nuns.

That's okay. I don't need a bag. You can just throw the empty wrappers away.

Oh. Oh.

Well, I'll see you around, Corky. I guess.

Kevin.

Would you like... I'd like to get a cup of coffee sometime.

Sure, how about tonight?

Well, I don't think tonight's such a good idea. I have an awful lot of

marshmallow in me.

Tomorrow would be okay.

Great. I'll call you.

I'm buying these for a woman in the hospital who I rescued from a fiery

automobile crash.

No, that's not true.

They're for my girlfriend.

I'm buying maxi pads for my girlfriend who's at home cramping up a storm right

now.

I don't care who knows it.

You heard me.

And I am putting her and her female bodily functions above my own

Anybody here have a problem with that?

Good.

Yeah.

Keep the change.

Suppositories. Big deal.

Today, Hammond, Swiss.

Tomorrow, the world.

Oh, eggs on top, son.

Eggs on top.

What was that all about?

Who knows? At least he's smiling. Should make the ride home a lot more bearable.

Yeah, if we ever make it to the car, if this checker were any slower, they'd be

chiseling her name on a headstone.

Uh, excuse me, would you mind speeding it up? I'm in a hurry to get home.

in a hurry, are you?

Oh, my God, it's you!

That's right, Murphy Brown.

The old star power works every time. We'll be out of here before you can say

paper or plastic.

I guess you don't remember me. Judy Bemis, I was once one of your

until you fired me.

Right, I remember. So how are you, Judy? No hard feelings about my letting you

go before Christmas like that?

No!

Now, let's see what we can do about getting you out of here quickly.

Uh -oh. Looks like I'll need a price check on this.

I know it's marked, but I can barely make it out.

While you're at it, get price checks on these, too.

Oops. I'm almost out of register tape.

Maybe I ought to change it.

Now, let's see. Where would I find new register tape?

The old star power.

Oh, shut up.

Once upon a time, a Cleveland hottie met a worldly prince.

Nick at night presents the hottie and the prince tomorrow, beginning at 10 and

continuing happily ever after.