All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s05e18 The World According to Avery

And I felt so hot

What took you so long? I was supposed to
be out of here ten minutes ago.

Oh, I see. You stopped off at Bethesda
General to perform an appendectomy.

The pain in his vest is just a
precaution.

I seem to have awakened with a slight
case of congestion.

I didn't want to put Avery's vulnerable
young membranes at risk.

However, if you wouldn't mind moving him
away from me a little bit, I believe

this fabric is cutting off my oxygen
supply.

Well, if you were sick, why didn't you
just take the day off?

Excuse me.

A Bernanke does not just take the day
off.

I made a pledge to look after young
Avery, and I intend to carry out that

obligation. I'm here.

I'm ready.

I'm just slightly over -medicated.

Great. What exactly does that mean?

Well, you see, normally I would have
gone with the traditional Bernanke home

cold remedy, but unfortunately it's
impossible to find the bark of a juniper

tree and two virgins in this town.

So I stopped at the drugstore and got a
bottle of that green stuff that's not

supposed to make you drowsy.

How much did you take?

I told you, a bottle.

I also got some vapor rub, which, by the
way, if you ever have the chance to use

it, do not make the mistake of taking it
internally.

You ate it?

Alan, you're supposed to rub it on your
chest.

Believe me, that became painfully
evident after the first oomph.

The man who's supposed to be taking care
of my son is now reliving a Grateful

Dead concert.

People, can we have some quiet?

We're in the middle of a run -through
here. I'm sorry I'm late, but Eldon's

sick, so I've got Avery for the day.

People act like such idiots.

Do you have any idea what you must look
like to him?

No, and to be perfectly honest, we don't
care.

All right, people, fun is fun, but we've
got work to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Murphy, we're not
ready for you yet, so why don't you and

Avery just relax?

You're not getting your gums on this
little dude.

Don't worry, Avery.

Sooner or later, he'll drop his guard,
and then it's lunchtime at the Brooks

Brothers Cafe.

Come on, Mommy's going to show you where
she made Casper Weinberger cry.

Okay, so...

segment. We move on to Corkster's piece
on... Well, you know.

And then we're gonna... It's all right
to say it, Miles.

Divorce in the 90s. Will and I are just
separated.

It doesn't mean our marriage is over.

You can separate an egg and it's still
an egg.

True, the shell may be cracked, but as
long as the yolk and the white haven't

been scrambled, there's still the
possibility everything will turn out

-side up.

Hey, you know, I never really looked at
it that way before, but I see your

point.

Be prepared to cut the commercial if she
goes wacko.

That's everything at the anchor desk.
Now let's talk about Murphy's interview

with Senator Matheson. Okay, Miles,
here's the plan. Now, first, I'm going

lob him a few softballs just to get him
relaxed, and then I'm going to hit him

with the hard stuff. Be ready to come in
for a tight close -up when I do,

bearing in mind that the senator's going
to be a little taller.

Senator, thank you for joining us. How
have you been?

Good. That's very good.

Senator, how is Congress getting along
with the new president, huh?

Oh, very interesting.

Senator, would you mind explaining this
photo of you accepting a piece full of

cash from mob boss Joey Gamble?

Not talking up. Or this photo of you
playing scrub -a -dub with an unknown

companion, eh?

I'm telling you, Miles, when I finish
with Matheson, he's going to have less

say than Avery and be twice as wet.

A U .S. Senator in bed with the mob.
This is big. This is 35 share big.

Great work, Murphy. And to show you how
pleased I am, here you go, Avery.

Chow down.

Now, for the rest of you, after the
broadcast, I'm buying at Phil's tonight.

Oh, no.

Thank you. It's the first time in months
he's buying. I'm not going to be here.

Why not?

It's my father's 70th birthday.
Remember, I'm leaving on a plane to

right after the show.

What? Oh, no. Oh, jeez.

What? What's the matter?

I'm not going to tell her. You tell her.

Tell me what? What?

God, Avery, you are so cute.

There's nothing like the feeling of
having a baby in your arms, especially

you have to tell his mother that the
senator she was going to nail on

television just got arrested by federal
marshals.

What? He can't confess?

Don't forget Murphy, I'm holding the
baby.

Hi, honey.

I've been working for months on this
story, checking out leads, cultivating

sources. I even had dinner with a guy
named Joey. Raise your face for God's

sake. Give me the baby, John. Catch your
breath.

So we lost our live interview.

We'll just have to rerun one of your old
pieces and hope the sponsors don't

scream too loudly. No way. I'm not going
to be the only one without an original

story tonight. I'll get another
interview.

Where? We go on the air in a few hours.

Miles, this is Washington, a city full
of politicians so desperate to be on

television they fight each other to
stand in front of the camcorder at

Come here, Avery.

Frank, I've got to go out for a while.
Would you look after Avery? Sure, sure.

No problem. Hey, Avery, you want to
spend some time with Uncle Frank? And,

Frank, I don't want you using him to
pick up girls at Phil's again.

Mom, I...

Please, I can pick a cab.

Not a problem.

No. I don't want you to pick me up at
the airport.

The flight doesn't get in until after
midnight.

No, I don't want you to drive to the
airport in your pajamas.

Yeah, you said you wouldn't get out of
the car last time. Then I find you

chasing Robert Goulet around the baggage
carousel trying to get his autograph.

Of course he wouldn't give it to you,
Dad. He probably thought you were an

outpatient.

What? No, no, really.

You don't have to put Mom on the phone.
It's too hard to talk to you both at the

same time. Hi, Mom.

No, I didn't say I didn't want to talk
to you. I just... I'm not yelling at

Dad.

Look, let's not fight, okay?

It's your birthday tomorrow. You know, I
got you a great gift.

Really? You bought yourself a present?
Well, good for you. What'd you get?

A new golf bag.

Dad, how could you get yourself a new
golf bag the day before your birthday?

it ever...

and I just... I'm not yelling at him,
Mom. I just... Dad, listen.

I can't hear you when you both talk at
the same time.

Hey! Hey!

Look, I'll just see you tonight, okay?

Oh!

Avery!

Oh, boy, baby Avery.

What are we going to do, pal?

Let's see what we've got here.

of some kind. Boring.

Rainbow trout.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Let's go fishing, pal.

I think it's a rope of the tree.

No. Come here, partner.

I'll be biting over there.

I'll have you know I caught me a 15
-pounder yesterday.

Right over here by Lake's stupid golf
bag.

wanted to go fishing with my dad but
you're at the restaurant and everything

know you never had the time because he
said after filet and fish all week last

thing he wanted to do on his day off was
look for more yeah oh it's true oh oh

whoa we got a big one he's a fighter yes
he is a fighter get the net get the net

the net yes now listen i gotta get

back to work so why don't you just

Don't you think I want to play? But, you
know, I've got a job to do. Believe me,

someday when you are older, you'll
understand.

Oh, man, does that sound familiar.

But it's not the same thing.

I'm under a lot more pressure than my
dad was.

I work all day, lots of nights.

Okay, okay, so did he.

Plus, he had seven kids.

Wow.

Go ahead, say it. I've been a selfish
pig.

Thanks a lot.

Dad, listen, I was thinking, you know,
maybe this weekend you and I could get

together.

Frank.

Anyway, what if sometime this weekend we
go down to the marina, we rent a boat,

maybe do a little fishing?

I just thought that since you sold the
restaurant 20 years ago, maybe you were

over it.

Mom, could you get off the phone so I
could talk to Dad?

No, it's not a... I just... I'm not
yelling at her, Dad.

All right.

Look, we'll talk about it when you pick
me up at the airport, okay?

And please do me a favor. Put a raincoat
on over the pajamas.

Frank, I've told you not to call your
parents from the office.

Now, I just heard from the network
they're going to need some extra time

news break tonight, so you'll have to
cut 20 seconds out of that sunken

piece. Okay. Okay, okay, but listen,
Murphy's not back yet. Somebody's got to

watch Avery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No,
absolutely not. I'm having lunch with

Audrey, so it's out of the question.

I just love babies.

But one really isn't enough, is it? I
mean, I'd want lots and lots, wouldn't

you?

Me? Um, sure, sure.

Uh, keeping in mind that...

Lots is an indeterminate number, and
that my lifestyle is such that children

would be a burden falling mostly on the
woman in my life and would quickly grow

weary and haggard under the strain.
Don't you pickle?

Well, I think someone's just about ready
for his bottle.

Why don't you feed him the rest of these
bananas, and I'll go warm it up.

Okey -dokey.

Something about this picture looks very
right.

Being so cute.

Cry, whine, spit up on her.

I'll give you 20 bucks for just one good
all over me.

It's too early for Audrey and me to be
talking about babies.

See, we recently moved in together.

And the next logical step is marriage.

And then after that, you.

Apparently, according to Audrey, lots of
yous.

Look, I'm just not ready for that kind
of responsibility.

Look at this. I can't even get you to
eat.

Here. Watch this.

Mmm, yum, yum, good.

Mmm.

Oh, you think that's pretty funny, don't
you?

Okay, watch this, watch this, watch
this.

Oh, wait

a minute, wait a minute. I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me think I'm good
at this.

trying to soften me up. Well, it's not
going to work, no siree.

Okay,

maybe it's going to work a little.

I suppose I could do this if I had to.

And you are pretty cute.

Yes, you are.

I lost the button.

Did you take my button, Avery?

Did you take Uncle Miles?

Open your mouth.

No, don't swallow, don't swallow. Oh, my
God.

Here's your bottle, nice and warm.

Oh, did you lose a button, Pookie? You
found it. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Are you all right?

Audrey, we can't have babies now. Look,
they're needy, they're helpless, and how

do you clip their toenails without
taking off the whole toe?

No babies now. That's the end of
discussion.

Who said anything about having babies?

My God, Miles, we just moved in
together.

I'm going to go to my office and find my
son being exposed to page 12 of the

Kama Sutra.

Did you find an interview for tonight?

No, I've been trying all day.

I even went to the Senate office
building and tried knocking on doors. It

everyone's busy, out of town, or in
rehab.

All right, that's it. We're going to
have to go with a rerun. No, we don't. A

rerun is something you do when you're
desperate, and I'm a long way from

desperate. So why don't you two take
your live sex show to someone else's

and let me get some work done.

Leave the blenches.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Just between us, Mommy is a little
desperate.

So we'll just have to pull out all the
stops, won't we? Mm -hmm.

Hi.

It's Murphy Brown.

I know.

I know. We haven't talked for a long
time. But we've got an opening on FYI

tonight, and I thought it might be fun
if we just... Hello?

Hello? Vice President Quayle?

makeup on that same area for about a
half an hour.

Oh, God.

You can see it, can't you?

See what? I don't know what you're
talking about.

Corky, I need you to do me a favor.

Jeez, what's that on your neck? Mount
St. Helens?

I can't cover this with ordinary makeup.

I'm gonna have to go get the stuff they
use on the Gabor's.

Corky, I'm going out for a while, so I
need you to look after Avery. Is that

okay? Sure.

Murphy,

are you still looking for someone to
interview?

You know, we go on the air in two hours.

Corky, don't worry. George Will is
giving an anniversary party for the

Kissingers tonight. With the crowd
that's going to be there, a chimpanzee

land a great interview. Isn't that
right?

Gee, it must be wonderful to be invited
to parties like that.

Mingling with people who've made history
and... Oh, Murphy.

You weren't invited, were you? You're
going to crash Henry Kissinger's

anniversary party.

Corky, will you relax? Henry will be
thrilled to see me.

Especially when he sees that picture I
dug up of him, Jill St. John, and Bebe

Rebozo playing Pass the Orange.

So, wish me luck.

Goodbye, Andy.

Hi,

Andy.

Oh, God.

You're looking at it, too.

It's awful, isn't it?

Gosh, I haven't had one of these since,
well, since my wedding night.

like to do?

We could sing, or I could tell you a
little story.

Would you like that?

All right.

Once upon a time, there lived a
beautiful young princess who became a

successful journalist and won the
Humboldt Award three years ago, thanks

much.

Anyway...

And she thought because her life had
always been such a fairy tale, they'd

happily ever after.

But they didn't.

They had problems.

They grew apart.

And finally, the prince moved to another
kingdom with his own castle and a hot

tub and a view of the Hollywood sign.

The princess wished upon a star that a
fairy godmother would come and help her.

But instead, she was visited by an
attorney from Harrison O 'Brien and

with divorce papers.

She never told anyone she got the
divorce papers.

Because she just knew if she said it out
loud, her whole world would end.

Then one day, a magical bouncing elf
tricked her into saying it out loud.

And the princess was surprised.

Her world didn't end.

And then she realized that even if her
life wasn't going to

be happily ever after, maybe it was
going to be okay.

And now for another story.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful
young princess who grew a second head

out of her neck.

Dee Dee!

Jim, Murphy's not back yet, so you have
to watch Avery while I go to wardrobe.

Corky, please.

This is my personal time.

Everyone knows I sit here alone before
each show and do the New York Times

crossword puzzle. Alone.

Everybody knows that.

But Jim, I... I can't take the baby to
wardrobe. There are pins in there.

Well, I'm very sorry, Corky, but I'm
afraid this is impossible.

Fine. You explain to Murphy why the next
time she tries to give him a bottle,

all the milk comes squirting out of
little holes in the bottle.

Well, all right.

Leave him.

But this is highly irregular.

See you later, Avery.

All right.

I suppose I'll have to let you in on a
little secret.

I'm not really doing the crossroads.
Also, see, I just wrote blorf, and it

even a word.

Well, like you, perhaps.

The point is, the puzzle is just a
cover, so people will leave me alone.

You see, I have this little ritual that
I do before each show.

I've been doing it ever since I started
in this business as a way to relax me.

Not that I get nervous, you understand.

Certainly not.

It's just that I appear live in front of
20 million people each week.

20 million.

Have you any idea what a responsibility
that is?

One wrong facial expression, and I could
send a nation into an emotional

tailspin. Once, during a story on the
economy, I banged my knee under the desk

and grimaced, slightly.

The next day, the stock market dropped
30 points.

Well, anyway, this ritual I do has
become a tradition, and it's, well,

it's not something I've ever done in
front of anyone.

It's getting late, so I guess I'll have
to go ahead and do it with you watching.

There.

That stays between us.

Understand?

Two minutes to air, everybody.

She's not going to make it.

Why is she doing this to me?

Why didn't she just let me run an old
interview?

Why didn't she just save us all some
time and back her car right over me?

Hi, everybody.

Murphy, you're here. Great.

You're alone. Not great.

Relax, Miles. My interview will be right
in. Who'd you get? Who, who?

Hello there, sweetie.

Did you get some good dirt on everybody?

We'll talk on the way home. Murphy, we
are on the air in 60 seconds.

Just enough time for the blood clot
that's been forming in my left ventricle

dislodge itself and travel to my brain
where, if I am lucky, it will kill me

instantly. Now, where is this interview
you're sticking me with?

Holy -ness.

Your holy -ness.

This is Miles Silverberg, our producer,
and my son, Avery.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

Four. Three.

Two.

Good evening and welcome to another
edition of FYI.

Jackie may seem desperate for a date,
but that's just a facade because she's a

smooth operator who always goes after
the man she wants no matter the risk.

tackled some naked guy and you fell down
the steps with him?

Oh man, she's got game.

Stay tuned.