Original subtitles

Oh, jeez, now what? Okay, people coming through.

What's going on here?

Well, Miss Brown, why don't I answer your question by asking you another?

Would you like to try a hot apple turnover made from just ordinary bread

applesauce?

This patented covered skillet sears all the juices in.

Wow, that looks really good. Can you make it to go? I certainly can.

That's what's so perfect about this skillet.

Ah, more perfect than you know.

Good morning, my journalistic comrades.

Before we start our morning meeting, I have a little announcement to make.

You're a chronic bedwetter.

You're wearing women's panties. You went and shot a man just to watch him die.

Okay, that was fun.

Yeah.

Now we got that out of our system. During the 70s, you had a thing for

coochie -coochie girl charo.

See, that can be fun, too.

As I was saying, once again, it's that time of year when FYI takes on a student

intern. So if any of you know of a deserving college graduate eager for a

in this exciting world of television news... No further, Miles. I have the

perfect person.

Hey,

I'm famous and I meet a lot of people. It stands to reason I know an

overabundance of qualified young applicants.

Qualified, indeed.

Like your choice of last year's intern, your gardener's son, Leo.

Hey, Leo was not that bad. He set a small fire on the 14th floor.

He pulled a knife on me in the Xerox room.

I caught him sniffing my shoes.

I never said he was perfect.

And you were right.

Murphy, the purpose of the internship is to give some talented young person

exposure to our business. It's not to get you a discount on your monthly

gardening bill. Yeah, well, Frank pretty much took care of that when he picked

Leo out of that police lineup.

This year I have someone with a genuine interest in television.

The name of this very worthy young man is Rudy Thermopolis.

Thermopolis. Isn't that your auto mechanic's last name? You know that?

have someone who'd be perfect for the internship.

She's very excited about the business. She was president of her college media

society. And she graduated with honors in journalism.

Interesting concept.

Giving the internship to somebody who's actually qualified rather than using it

for, say, one's own selfish gain.

Well, it's one way of going.

She sent me a very nice letter after she heard me speak at my alma mater,

Eastern Louisiana University.

She also pledged my sorority with captain of the pep squad and was voted

Inspiration. Qualities that have led to success for others in this business.

Sure, it paid off for Irving R. Levine, but what are the chances of lightning

striking twice?

Look. Whoever we pick is going to be in our faces for the next eight weeks. Do

we really want it to be some perky little pet squatter? I guarantee you

get that annoying perky thing with Rudy.

Ever since he did that tune -up with the garage door closed, he's been unusually

quiet.

So, looks like we have two clear and distinct choices here. So why don't we

it to a vote?

All those for Murphy's latest nutcase?

His name is Rudy, and if the doctors felt he was a danger to anyone, they

wouldn't have made him an outpatient.

Now, come on.

All for Rudy.

Oh, Frank, my life is so much easier this way.

Okay, that's two for Rudy.

All those for Corky's nominee.

What's her name, Corky?

Amy. Amy Shoemaker.

Amy. Geez, even her name is Perky. Or Amy.

Oh, looks like a tie.

I know. Why don't we send for both of them and have them fight it out?

left standing. Give it up, Perky. Amy, it is. Can you believe it?

I'm going to send her a note right now.

Well, won't this be fun?

Now we'll have an even peppier, perkier version of Corky.

Mark my words, in two weeks, a knife -wielding, shoe -sniffing arsonist is

to look pretty darn good.

And the second week of April, we follow the peanut Easter special.

Should be a good lead -in. This year, Snoopy runs into a tree chasing Charlie

Brown's kite and starts thinking he's the Messiah.

Hey, Corky, any sign of our new intern?

I hope she gets here all right.

I've got a desk set up for her. I even got her a carnation, our sorority

Rudy wouldn't have needed a carnation. He wouldn't have needed anything.

As long as he has his Thorazine, he's fine.

She's here!

I love this.

I'm so glad you're here.

How was your flight?

How's the weather in Baton Rouge?

Why don't I introduce you to everyone?

Everyone? There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

Hello.

I'm Amy Shoemaker, and I'm so excited to be here. My head is just swimming.

Really? Why don't you sit down?

Hello, Amy. I'm Murphy Brown.

I'm Frank Fontana. Ma 'am.

Lyle Silverberg, executive producer.

Are you sure you don't want a chair?

Fine. I'm wearing Dr.

Scholl's in -soles. It's like floating on air.

Welcome to FYI, Amy. I'm Jim Dial.

Well, of course you are.

I can remember watching you back in the 60s, and even on a 10 -inch black -and

-white Philco, you always came across as a fine reporter and a very nice boy.

Thank you.

Shoemaker. Amy.

Amy.

Amy.

So, Amy, you just graduated from college.

That's right.

I'm the oldest person to ever graduate ELU. You don't have to.

My dad was upset I took an extra semester to get my degree.

We were very impressed with your qualification.

Very impressed.

Corky tells me you were captain of the pep squad.

Oh, that's not... something I like to brag about. Our football team was 0 -10

last season. I don't know what got into them.

Well, there's plenty of time to get acquainted later.

I've got a desk set up for you right over there, Amy.

Why don't you just get settled? Okie dokie.

She's old.

No kidding. What was your first clue? The medic alert bracelet or the rattle

Doan's pills in her pocket?

Be quiet.

She'll hear us. Wait until she's out of earshot. She was probably out of earshot

when she was standing here.

I don't know about this.

The intern has to do a lot of work around here, plus whatever personal

we need done. That's a lot of running, and somehow I don't think running is her

strong suit.

Tell me about it. We send her down to editing with the tape of Clinton's first

hundred days. We're lucky if she gets there before he's out of office.

What are you saying?

That she can't do it? That I dragged her all... way up here just so she'd have

to suffer the humiliation of being let go before she even starts? I don't know,

Corky. Well, all I can say is it's a good thing I'm not the type of person to

say I told you so.

But you all wanted Corky's intern, and now you've got her. What's the

between that and saying I told you so? It's a lot classier. Oh, it's a big

So she's old. That doesn't mean the job is going to kill her. You heard her. She

survived two world wars, the Great Depression and spring break in Fort

Lauderdale, for all we know.

What are you saying? You think she can handle it, Murphy?

All I'm saying is I see an intern, I'm going to use her the same way I've

used interns.

Wonderful. An 80 -year -old woman putting a coat of hot carnauba wax on a

Porsche.

No, not that.

I need a file on the BCCI scandal in the storeroom, and she's going to get it

for me. Are you sure about that, Murph?

That child on the top shelf is going to need the step ladder to get up there.

The wobbly step ladder. That's missing one of those little rubber foot pads.

What if she flips and grabs one of the shelves for support and pulls the whole

thing down on top of her? Those frail bones will snap like kindling.

If she can't pull her weight, she has no business being here.

So, Amy, ready for your first assignment on FYI?

Oh, yes, Miss Brown. Okay, I'd like you to...

I'd like you to sharpen this pencil for me. I don't want it done now.

Right, Miss Brown.

Right away.

You think I'm letting her off the hook? Well, I'm not.

Amy, let's see that pencil.

You call that a point? Do it over.

See?

Here you go, Amy. Just

sit right...

Isn't there anything related to the broadcast that I can do? I feel like

been sitting all week.

Well, there's a reason for that, Amy.

You see, the ability to sit is crucial for a career in television news.

Rather, Brokaw, Jennings, all great sitters.

Edward R. Murrow had a backside the size of a Honda Civic.

You think he was born with it? No, he worked at it. Learn from him.

Air people, Miles.

Remember last year I told you my kid brother Gary wanted to intern?

What about it, John?

Well, Gary was 28. You told me he was too old. Well, now he's too young. See

next year, okay?

I still haven't been able to get verification of the exact figure of the

sales. You're kidding.

We can't run that story without cooperation. What happened? I'll tell

happened. I ran out of time. I wasted my entire week doing background research,

viewing hours of file footage, and fetching my own lunch. All jobs that

normally be done by an intern.

But we don't have an intern. We've got quirky sorority sister, old mother

Hubbard. Oh, I'm sorry.

But I was afraid looking at all that footage would cause Amy eye strain.

And you're the one who didn't even want to... crossing the street to get our

lunch because you were afraid she'd wind up plastered to the grill of the number

10 bus.

Um, I can verify that fact for you, Ms. Brown.

Oh, well, that's okay, Amy. With just two minutes to air, I think Miles and I

will have better luck getting through. Okay, you try Department of Commerce,

I'll try Defense.

But I would really like to help.

Oh, well, Amy, you already have.

You know that book of stamps you got for me today?

Excellent choice. Going with nature's wildlife over the love stamps.

Exactly what I would have chosen.

This is Murphy Brown. I need verification of the number. Miles, the

needs to see the revisions I've made on the opening of the bar. Jim, Jim,

please. I'm on the phone here. Look, I need a simple confirmation, and I need

now. I can run that up to the booth for you, Mr. Dial. Oh, well, that would be

fine, Amy.

Except that I have to go up to see the director myself.

His wife recently had surgery, and I want to ask him how she's doing.

Well, I had lunch with him yesterday, and he told me he was gay.

He is.

Gay as the day is long.

I was referring to his wife, Hank.

Call him his wife because I'm so comfortable with the concept of

lifestyle.

Too many sad people, good Lord.

Oh, Mr. Dyla, are you sure you have enough time to do this?

Of course. I frequently run up the three flights to the director's booth moments

before the show. I find it invigorating. Isn't that right?

You know, I can't get over how many of the little things you all insist on

for yourselves.

They never told us that at college.

Well, it's our way of staying humble. After all, none of us wants to get a big

head. Well, I guess I can understand that big head thing, but I'm still a

thrown by that big bottom theory.

3 .2 billion.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Miles, I got it. Oh, thank you.

Corky, it's 3 .2 billion in case you're interested.

Out of my way, damn it!

Jim, are you all right?

Nothing to concern yourself about, Corky. Just that my 58 -year -old heart

exploded on the second flight of stairs as I was attempting to hurdle Betty, the

script girl.

You remember, Betty. Also known as the refrigerator with bangs.

Wait a minute. Where's Frank? Has anybody seen Frank?

He's right here.

What's he doing on the phone when we're 60 seconds to air?

He went to a bank machine to make a deposit on the dinner break. Now his car

won't start.

What? Why is Frank running to a cash machine moments before the show? That's

sort of job you send an internationally known courier to do.

Frank, your story's up second. Grab a cab now and you can get here on time.

What's that?

Calm down.

Have a good show, everyone.

Boy, it's great finally having time. and sit down to a nice, relaxing lunch,

isn't it? Yeah, right.

Come on, Frank. It's been five days. Let it go.

The important thing to remember is that you weren't hurt. And the police did

recover your car.

Or at least the frame, which is the most important part.

It forced Bucky to realize that if Amy's going to stay on here, the whole intern

situation's going to have to be handled differently.

Here's your dry cleaning, Frank. About time.

Hey, they forgot to replace the button on my blue shirt.

Gotta go back.

Oh.

Enough is enough. You've got Corky doing your research, your Xeroxing, your dry

cleaning. How's she supposed to have time to get my car washed?

Corky, you look exhausted. I think that covering for Amy the way you are is

admirable, but please sit down and join us.

I'd like to, Jim, but I still have to call your barber and see if he can fit

in for a trim.

Oh, well, then after that.

Hey there, Corky.

Hiya, Phil. What's in the box?

Phyllis and I were cleaning out the attic.

We ran across some old toys we thought little Avery might like. Oh, Phil, how

sweet of you.

Oh, look at this old pan of fire truck.

And it's topped by wind -up toy. You know, a lot of this stuff could be

collector's items.

Really? Oh, yeah. A friend of mine paid 300 bucks for a truck just like this.

Gee, look at the sharp edges on that thing.

Might as well give the kid an old chainsaw.

Where was my head?

I'll just buy him nice, soft, plastic yo -yo instead.

Ah, Aruba, here I come.

I just checked in with Amy. New York is rushing us a videotape, and it has to be

picked up at the airport.

She wanted to go get it, but then I imagined her in all that traffic, all

in that big van, her cloudy, aged eyes draining to see over the steering wheel.

I hope you all have a nice lunch.

Bye.

Corky.

Corky, you're not going to the airport.

It's time we all admit we're having a hard time asking Amy to perform the

intern duties, and we've got to do something about it. Like what, Miles? I

tell her the internship is too hard for her. It would break her heart.

Oh, God.

I wish she'd just quit the job.

Well, I wouldn't count on that. She told me this internship is the biggest thing

that's ever happened to her.

Other than once making out in a sleigh with Al Jolson.

It occurs to me there just might be another solution. Say, for example, we

protecting her and let her attempt to do the job.

You mean allowing her to do things we know she probably couldn't do?

So she'll realize she's too old for the job, get discouraged, and quit?

All I'm saying is we need someone to go to the airport. A long drive to a busy,

confusing place.

Oh, Murphy, that's cruel. It's sadistic.

Let's do it.

That was Tim in the mobile van. He's driven back and forth to the airport

and hasn't seen Amy or the van anywhere.

So she's probably just taking surface streets.

Then why hasn't she picked up the phone in the van?

So she's probably dead.

lady to the air freight office.

All those big heavy crates and those awful men behind the counter who leer at

women and make those disgusting chicky chicky baby sounds.

Frank. Frank. Did you find her? I checked the air freight counter. Amy

definitely left with the tape. Where she went from there is anybody's guess.

Did you check with airport security?

Yes. Did you look in the parking lot to see if her van was there? Of course I

did.

What's that on your lip, Frank?

It's salt.

isn't it?

Instead of looking for Amy, you were in the airport lounge having margaritas.

I heard one.

I only went in there because I could see a lot of old people through the window.

You went in because it was happy hour. It was a smart piece of investigative

work. It was half -price breaks and Scandinavian stewardesses.

I'm holding you personally responsible, Frank. If anything happens to Amy,

you're the one who's going to have to call her grandkids and tell them their

beloved Nana died because you were too... as he tried to cut in for a

a tortoise named Inga.

Amy! You're here!

And alive!

I got the tape! Oh,

you're never gonna believe what happened. What? When I got over to the

freight counter, this guy handed me a tape addressed to CNN.

And then he started making those disgusting little cheeky -cheeky baby

I told him he was not too old for a spanking, and I... It was just the

chicky -chicky baby to give it to him. And then I made him call CNN, and sure

enough, they had our tape. Oh, my, that was quick thinking.

Oh, please, I'm just getting started.

Anyway, when I got over to CNN, I found out that New York had sent us a half

-inch transfer instead of a three -quarter, so I cornered Will Flitzer,

asked him if there was somebody who could run off a copy for us. Well, of

course... all his engineers were busy, so I dubbed it myself.

You dubbed a tape?

Well, I had to.

I mean, Wolf was totally lost in there. I mean, he's a very nice boy, but I

don't think that he could program a VCR if his life depended on it.

Marvin, will you please run this over to editing for me?

Well, go!

Go, go, go!

Well, Amy...

I have to say, I am very impressed.

And it occurs to me, as I'm sure it does everyone here, that perhaps we haven't

really given you enough responsibility around here.

No kidding.

I could have been dead three years and done this job.

You know, you people have to realize old is not incapacitated. You're right.

You're absolutely right. We feel guilty for something we're not very proud of,

and we want to apologize for that. I'm so sorry, Amy.

It's sad, isn't it?

I tried to tell them you could do the job with me. I can't apologize now.

I'm sorry, Amy. We promise to give you a lot more responsibility in the future.

Well, you're going to have to step on it. I only got a couple of minutes

I have to leave for my new job.

New job? What new job?

Well, Wolf was so knocked out by me, his words.

Did you call this producer who offered me a job on the spot? A real job.

at the bottom, but listen.

I have a few good years left in me, and I want to spend them learning new things

and feeling useful.

Well, we'll make you feel useful here.

Well, you rang.

We'll work you like a pack mule. Oh, promises, promises.

Well, listen, I gotta go.

I'm working the Larry King show tonight.

I have to double -check all of Larry's facts.

It seems Larry's in love again, and he gets a little distracted.

at Christmas.

Oh, good.

Well, thanks. I'll keep in touch.

Maybe we can all do lunch one day.

I'll even go out and get it.

There's no prestige at CNN. They're cable.

We're network.

Oh, honey, everybody knows network television is dead.

You know, she's got a real mean streak in her.

She should do very well in this business.

Well,

all right.

Along with the Bingo Beat.

Tuesday. It's half past nine, hanging on Bingo Beat. Bingo Beat.