Original subtitles

I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Harvey Mandrake. And I want you to know that I'm thrilled to be here and I'm

ready to work.

Well, okay.

First up, if Fidel Castro turns Mike off... If Fidel Castro... Wait a minute.

This isn't a pen.

It's a simple piece of painted wood.

Or could it be... Magic!

Oh, God.

Sorry, I didn't hear you, Miss Brown.

More on the subject of hearing.

Is that a simple blockage of your oral canal?

Or could it be magic?

Hey, that's really good. And now a young man suddenly disappears from behind his

desk. Is it a simple coffee break? Or could it be you're fired?

Here's your bra.

Hi, guys.

Very nice. I'd break my neck to get here on time, and Miles isn't even here yet.

Maybe he's dead.

Maybe he cut his throat while shaving this morning and bled to death all over

the bathroom floor.

Or maybe an escaped mental patient with an axe broke into his house last night

and left him chopped in pieces all over the living room.

Stephen King was unrighteous and got the lead this morning.

I see you brought the late Miles Silverberg. How nice of you to join us.

been here since 8 .30 this morning. Tell him.

8 .30? That's strange. The hood of your car was still warm to the touch five

minutes ago.

You touched my hood?

I don't want to, Murphy. You make me.

That's really important, Miles, on a day like today.

Doesn't the world seem fresh and new, like it's been scrubbed clean with

sunlight?

Do you think that could have anything to do with our big news?

Well, you know... Audrey, big news may be a little bit of an overstatement. Oh,

my God!

You're getting married!

I'm so happy for you!

And I just want you to know, just because my marriage ended in bitterness

despair doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you. No!

You deserve happiness.

I guess I don't.

I'll probably end up living alone in a shack, talking to my cat, wearing a pie

tin for a hat.

Pookie, we're not getting married.

Oh, who cares?

I'm sorry, Pookie. I can't contain myself any longer.

I've moved in with Miles. We're living together.

Yes.

I'm on the answering machine now.

Well, let's do it for them, Pookie.

Oh, Audrey, I don't really think... Oh, come on, please. Just this once for me.

You... You've reached the residence of Miles. And Audrey.

We can't take your call.

Because we're busy.

And then we laugh like this.

Oh, she moved in, huh? She finally got her hooks into you, huh, pal?

I guess that ring is going to fit very nicely into that nose.

You know it. I guess that leaves you as the only one here who can't make a

commitment, buddy.

I guess I'm ready to do this.

Ready to take the next logical, small step in the relationship.

Where will it lead? Well, who can tell?

But for now... Audrey's living at my place. You mean our place?

Our place! Our place, exactly.

It's our place in the emotional and spiritual sense. Of course, any court in

land will tell you it's still my place. Not that I could foresee any situation

in which such a ruling would be required. No, I can't think of one.

Well, I really should be running along, but we wanted to invite everyone to our

housewarming party.

Oh, a housewarming.

Just so I know, is that a gift thing?

Yes, Murphy.

You bring something the happy couple can use in their new home.

So technically, we'd be warming a place that's already been warmed. And what if

they move?

Is this gift transferable, or will we be expected to warm yet another place?

That's all right, Murphy.

You don't have to guess us anything. Oh, sure. I'll show up and be the only one

there without a gift. That's happened to me five or six times already. No, no.

I'll get you something.

I just wish I had more experience with this whole couples business.

I have no idea what's appropriate.

You guys need a drill press?

with friends of Audrey's? Uh -huh. Most of the people she works with at the gift

shop. I don't know too many of them myself.

Well, you're going to get to know them now.

Yep. That's what happens when you live with a woman. Her friends become your

friends whether you like them or not. No more football games for you on Sunday,

Dagwood.

You're going to be stuck at brunch with people named Duane and Cynthia.

I get sex whenever I want it.

Just shut up, okay?

Jim, I couldn't figure out what to get Miles and Audrey for a present, so I

added my name to the card on your gift. What'd we get them?

A set of coasters depicting major battles in the Revolutionary War.

What happened? Did we shop at the last minute?

Well, you know us.

By the way, you owe me $23. For coasters?

Unless Paul Revere hand -dipped those babies himself, you got ripped off, my

friend.

And the area where Miles' study is now would be perfect as a nursery should

little ones ever come along.

You are, Pookie.

I think it's time you said a few words.

Words? What sort of words? And to whom should I say them? Why, I guess, Billy.

You know about how happy we are and how grateful we are to our many friends

who've helped us make our house a home. Audrey, I don't want to interrupt the

flow of the party. You're such a shy boy.

Everyone, attention, sivu play.

Miles had something he'd like to say.

Go ahead, Pookie.

I, uh, I just want to thank everybody for coming tonight.

Audrey's here now.

She's welcome to stay as long as she wants.

Miles,

what a heart -wrenching and emotional address.

First thing tomorrow, I'm going to embroider it on a pillow.

Miles,

you have a magical way of making a woman feel special.

Don't ask me to dissect it.

Yeah. Is this Audrey Curran's place? Well, actually, any court in the land

tell you that it's still technically my place.

But now she's here, too. Living here.

So, uh, do you work with Audrey at the gift shop?

Audrey!

Curran!

So what exactly do you do at the gift shop?

Well, they wanted a housewarming. I'd say the house just got real warm.

friend. Oh, we was more than friends, love. We dated briefly.

Oh, we go way back.

Yeah. Well, we've known each other since I was your size.

And Colin, this is Miles.

Miles? He don't look more than a few feet to me.

How's everybody doing?

Food, drinks? Go partake.

have been together.

Oh.

Hey, look, I'm really sorry.

If I'd have known you two was... Look, I'm sorry about that kiss, mate. Nothing

meant by it, honest.

Look, if it make you feel any better, there was no tongue.

Uh -uh.

Well, at least not on my part anyway.

You see that? He's got his arm around her. Makes her feel loved and protected

the same time. Score one for Miles. Women like that. Women hate that. It

us feel like property.

It's a move men make when they're desperate.

You know?

Well, maybe this isn't the best time for a visit. What with the bash going on

and all.

Well, perhaps we can go together tomorrow.

Where are you staying?

Oh, well, I was hoping you'd put me up, love. But I can't expect that now, can

I? No, you know, I wouldn't even ask.

Look, it's late. I'll just be off to my next stop and spend the night.

Oh, um, it's, uh, Las Vegas far from here.

Not really. Just go out the door of the building and take a left.

Um, of course, you'd be more than welcome to stay here tonight, but all I

is this old pull -out couch with a bad... mattress and lousy spree.

Super. I don't want to get in your way. I'll just wash up and keep right out of

sight, okay?

Everybody, enjoy the party.

Celebrate good times.

Come on.

Thank you, Miles.

I know what an awkward situation this must be, and I don't blame you for being

upset. Audrey, please.

It's no big deal. The guy comes to town. He needs a place to stay. It's only one

night. He's just an old tongue. Friend.

Thank you for understanding, Miles.

Uh -oh. She's kissing him on the cheek. Hang tough, Miles. Don't smile.

Don't... Oh, man.

He smiled.

I don't believe you fell for the old cheat kit used by women everywhere to

disarm the male.

You see, we men know a few of your tricks, too.

What? Tell me...

Please, Corky. Why can't I have better things to do than to stand around

gossiping? So, as I was saying, Frank, when Alexander the Great installed

Ptolemy I as ruler of Egypt, the entire social structure... Ten bucks says

Bluto's out of here in five minutes. Ten bucks says he's here for the night.

I'll take that, that sucker.

Oi!

You got any cream rinse?

I got two fives in my purse.

Las Vegas, huh?

What? You, uh, you said you wanted to go to Las Vegas.

Remember? Three days ago when you first got here?

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah. I'm just waiting on some money from home.

Wouldn't you know, I went through all the cash that I brought in the first two

days.

How much did you bring?

What, in American money?

$17.

I'm running late, so I'll just grab a muffin and be off to work.

Why don't I just walk you to the door, Pookie?

Is anything wrong, Miles? What could be wrong? Colin's a delightful house cat.

Well, well.

Killed off another one.

You know, what confuses me, and you're going to have to help me out with this,

you were actually involved with him once?

I'm not sure what it is. I'm having a hard time picturing that.

Oh, Miles.

I was younger when I met Colin.

The relationship was primarily a sexual one.

Constant brutish sex.

But then I realized there's more to a relationship than the pleasures of the

flesh, incredible though they might be.

No longer am I attracted to muscular lads with more rugged good looks than

brains.

I'm over that now.

Well, now that that's settled, I'll just be getting back to Lilliput to help tie

Gulliver down.

Miles, you've been very understanding about this whole situation.

To invite him to stay one night was really quite generous.

But now it's been three nights and you haven't uttered one word of complaint.

Well, there was that one time I had to ask him to stop lifting me up, but other

than that... It's just that some men might be a little, oh, I don't know,

jealous. But you don't seem to be that way at all.

Hey, guess I'm just not the jealous type.

Ah, well, lucky me.

I guess I should be going.

Have a good day, Colin.

So long, love.

Hold on.

Have a good one.

I always like to set them off happy.

you do back in jolly old england well mostly i'm in the soccer uh -huh you

i never met a soccer player before oh i don't play but you know those fights

that break out in the stands i start those oh look

um colin it's been great having you here and i certainly don't want to seem

inhospitable but have you given any thought you know you're a very lucky

mate yeah you are and you might find this hard to believe

But Audrey's the classiest woman that I've ever bent over the back of a bus

seat.

Well, that's an interesting side note.

But, uh, as I was saying, this is a big country, and if you stay in one place

too long... Oh, it's been super thin again, Miles.

But all the old feelings have come back, just as strong as they were.

The passion, the jealousy, the pain.

I've always wondered how I'd react to seeing Audrey with another man.

I've thought about that every day since the day that we broke up.

I guess that's what you call an obsession.

A sickness.

That's not a thing you like to think about.

I've imagined that man's throats in my hands.

The feel of his last breath passing through my fingers.

His final gurgle.

Well, revenge.

We all think about it, but we don't act on it, do we? That's what separates us

from the animals.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

The last breath passing through my fingers.

The final gurgle.

Is this guy colorful or what?

That's exactly what he said? Yeah. You're not exaggerating? No. You're

Come on, Frank.

Be serious. Jim, tell Frank this guy's pulling my leg. He's pulling my leg,

isn't he?

It's possible he's pulling your leg.

It's also possible he's planning to pull your leg off.

Stop it.

Honestly, Miles, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Even if he does try to beat you to a pulp, you're scrappy.

That'll do the trick against this Colin guy. Open your eyes, Miles. He's a thug.

He was shipped into this country in a cage.

You want to see the people he stayed with before you? Open his luggage.

I'm telling you, when this guy wants kidney pie, hold your sides and run. He

so tough. Thank you, Murphy.

Thank you.

I get your point.

But what you're saying has nothing to do with my world.

See, I function in the rational world where people just don't go around

each other up.

I mean, seriously, how many of us have ever been in a fistfight?

I meant as adults.

I meant in the last month.

I'll only say one thing.

Clark Clifford is a lot tougher than he looks.

Listen, Miles, whether you want to admit it or not, you've got a problem here.

How does Audrey feel about it? Oh, right. I'm going to tell Audrey that her

houseguest wants to make me gurgle.

She'll think I'm jealous, threatened, and insecure.

You are jealous, threatened, and insecure.

No, I'm not!

Even if I were, you don't show someone all that stuff the first week you're

living together.

You dole it out gradually, over the years. That's what makes a life

Miles, if you don't wake up, you're not going to have a life together. I'm

telling you, this guy wants what you have, and sooner or later, he's going to

try to take it. When that happens, you're going to need a plan. I suggest

distract him. My personal favorite is, hey, look, there's Dick Cavett. Then you

pop him with a strong left.

I am not going to fight him.

I'm a Harvard graduate, not some little boy out on the playground.

Besides, this whole conversation is pointless.

Colin's just waiting for some money to come from home. As soon as he gets it,

we're going to put him on a bus, give him a rib roast to suck on, say our

goodbyes, and he'll be off to fabulous Las Vegas. This is not a crisis.

Oh!

Hands were cold, okay?

Last breath passing through my fingers.

The final gurgle.

isn't he, Phil?

You see this tray here, Miles?

Now, I want you to imagine a nice, garnished, fresh green with vegetables.

Right in the center, your head.

Cut it out, Phil.

He's gonna reduce you to a thick paste with glasses.

I'm telling you, Miles, I'm a bartender. I'm required by law to tell the truth.

Audrey!

And Colin!

the gang.

Everyone, this is Audrey's old friend, Colin.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello. Hi, Colin. We're Miles' pals, Murphy, Corky, Frank, and Jim. Frank

out, and Jim's over six feet tall.

Brian, you gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?

Uh, no.

Take it. Great.

The British possess a certain charm.

You tend to think of Noel Coward as the epitome of it, but then you see they all

have it.

Well, uh, isn't this an unexpected treat?

Interesting you should use that word, Miles, because Colin unexpectedly showed

up at the museum this morning with some rather unexpected news, and I thought

you'd like to hear it.

Go ahead, Colin. Tell Miles your unexpected news.

Well, I've decided that since I'm having such a good time seeing Audrey again, I

thought I'd stay here for a bit.

Huh? Now, Audrey here was a little concerned that you might object, but I

her me and Miles are mates. He won't mind at all.

Right, Miles?

You don't mind, do you?

Kevin!

See? I told you.

I want you out!

Miles, what are you saying?

I'm jealous, okay?

Jealous, threatened, insecure, and sick!

But we'll talk about that later.

Colin, you know how passionate you feel about Audrey? Well, I'm just as

passionate in a quiet East Coast preserved Hebrew way.

I've been afraid to say it, because that would be admitting this relationship

meant more to me than I was ready to admit.

But I'm through being afraid.

I want a life with this woman, and we cannot have that with you here. It has

be just us in our house. And Colin, it is our house.

Not my house.

Our house.

I want that life to begin now.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'm not stupid, am I?

I can hear the handwriting on the wall.

If this is what you really want... I do, very much.

Fine. Have your little life together.

You know, in the old days, I would have wiped the floor with you.

I don't know.

Maybe I've grown.

But I'll tell you one thing.

You're the littlest gob of spit I've ever walked away from.

Here, before I introduce you to the business center of Beulah. Okay, okay,

leaving.

Hey, mate, you wouldn't happen to be going by the way of Las Vegas on your

home, would you?

Oh, yeah, you better run. You shepherd pie -eating, fish -and -chip -loving

Yorkshire pudding for brains.

happening to me?

What kind of animal have I become that I attack another human being?

I slipped to a new low.

I actually punched someone.

And if he hadn't been wearing that heavy sweater, he might actually have felt

it.

Oh, Miles, I'm so happy.

Because of the punch? No, the punch was meaningless and stupid.

But what you said to Colin about our life together, it's what I've been

so long... What's wrong to hear?

I do care about you, Audrey.

And I'm not afraid to say it.

I care about you!

God,

that felt good.

And now, I think you better take me to a doctor.

I can feel my internal organs moving down into my thighs.

Before I put your name on the mailbox, is there anybody else you want me to

about?

Why don't we wait until you're stronger?

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, God.