All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s05e14 The British Invasion

I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new
secretary.

Harvey Mandrake. And I want you to know
that I'm thrilled to be here and I'm

ready to work.

Well, okay.

First up, if Fidel Castro turns Mike
off... If Fidel Castro... Wait a minute.

This isn't a pen.

It's a simple piece of painted wood.

Or could it be... Magic!

Oh, God.

Sorry, I didn't hear you, Miss Brown.

More on the subject of hearing.

Is that a simple blockage of your oral
canal?

Or could it be magic?

Hey, that's really good. And now a young
man suddenly disappears from behind his

desk. Is it a simple coffee break? Or
could it be you're fired?

Here's your bra.

Hi, guys.

Very nice. I'd break my neck to get here
on time, and Miles isn't even here yet.

Maybe he's dead.

Maybe he cut his throat while shaving
this morning and bled to death all over

the bathroom floor.

Or maybe an escaped mental patient with
an axe broke into his house last night

and left him chopped in pieces all over
the living room.

Stephen King was unrighteous and got the
lead this morning.

I see you brought the late Miles
Silverberg. How nice of you to join us.

been here since 8 .30 this morning. Tell
him.

8 .30? That's strange. The hood of your
car was still warm to the touch five

minutes ago.

You touched my hood?

I don't want to, Murphy. You make me.

That's really important, Miles, on a day
like today.

Doesn't the world seem fresh and new,
like it's been scrubbed clean with

sunlight?

Do you think that could have anything to
do with our big news?

Well, you know... Audrey, big news may
be a little bit of an overstatement. Oh,

my God!

You're getting married!

I'm so happy for you!

And I just want you to know, just
because my marriage ended in bitterness

despair doesn't mean the same thing will
happen to you. No!

You deserve happiness.

I guess I don't.

I'll probably end up living alone in a
shack, talking to my cat, wearing a pie

tin for a hat.

Pookie, we're not getting married.

Oh, who cares?

I'm sorry, Pookie. I can't contain
myself any longer.

I've moved in with Miles. We're living
together.

Yes.

I'm on the answering machine now.

Well, let's do it for them, Pookie.

Oh, Audrey, I don't really think... Oh,
come on, please. Just this once for me.

You... You've reached the residence of
Miles. And Audrey.

We can't take your call.

Because we're busy.

And then we laugh like this.

Oh, she moved in, huh? She finally got
her hooks into you, huh, pal?

I guess that ring is going to fit very
nicely into that nose.

You know it. I guess that leaves you as
the only one here who can't make a

commitment, buddy.

I guess I'm ready to do this.

Ready to take the next logical, small
step in the relationship.

Where will it lead? Well, who can tell?

But for now... Audrey's living at my
place. You mean our place?

Our place! Our place, exactly.

It's our place in the emotional and
spiritual sense. Of course, any court in

land will tell you it's still my place.
Not that I could foresee any situation

in which such a ruling would be
required. No, I can't think of one.

Well, I really should be running along,
but we wanted to invite everyone to our

housewarming party.

Oh, a housewarming.

Just so I know, is that a gift thing?

Yes, Murphy.

You bring something the happy couple can
use in their new home.

So technically, we'd be warming a place
that's already been warmed. And what if

they move?

Is this gift transferable, or will we be
expected to warm yet another place?

That's all right, Murphy.

You don't have to guess us anything. Oh,
sure. I'll show up and be the only one

there without a gift. That's happened to
me five or six times already. No, no.

I'll get you something.

I just wish I had more experience with
this whole couples business.

I have no idea what's appropriate.

You guys need a drill press?

with friends of Audrey's? Uh -huh. Most
of the people she works with at the gift

shop. I don't know too many of them
myself.

Well, you're going to get to know them
now.

Yep. That's what happens when you live
with a woman. Her friends become your

friends whether you like them or not. No
more football games for you on Sunday,

Dagwood.

You're going to be stuck at brunch with
people named Duane and Cynthia.

I get sex whenever I want it.

Just shut up, okay?

Jim, I couldn't figure out what to get
Miles and Audrey for a present, so I

added my name to the card on your gift.
What'd we get them?

A set of coasters depicting major
battles in the Revolutionary War.

What happened? Did we shop at the last
minute?

Well, you know us.

By the way, you owe me $23. For
coasters?

Unless Paul Revere hand -dipped those
babies himself, you got ripped off, my

friend.

And the area where Miles' study is now
would be perfect as a nursery should

little ones ever come along.

You are, Pookie.

I think it's time you said a few words.

Words? What sort of words? And to whom
should I say them? Why, I guess, Billy.

You know about how happy we are and how
grateful we are to our many friends

who've helped us make our house a home.
Audrey, I don't want to interrupt the

flow of the party. You're such a shy
boy.

Everyone, attention, sivu play.

Miles had something he'd like to say.

Go ahead, Pookie.

I, uh, I just want to thank everybody
for coming tonight.

Audrey's here now.

She's welcome to stay as long as she
wants.

Miles,

what a heart -wrenching and emotional
address.

First thing tomorrow, I'm going to
embroider it on a pillow.

Miles,

you have a magical way of making a woman
feel special.

Don't ask me to dissect it.

Yeah. Is this Audrey Curran's place?
Well, actually, any court in the land

tell you that it's still technically my
place.

But now she's here, too. Living here.

So, uh, do you work with Audrey at the
gift shop?

Audrey!

Curran!

So what exactly do you do at the gift
shop?

Well, they wanted a housewarming. I'd
say the house just got real warm.

friend. Oh, we was more than friends,
love. We dated briefly.

Oh, we go way back.

Yeah. Well, we've known each other since
I was your size.

And Colin, this is Miles.

Miles? He don't look more than a few
feet to me.

How's everybody doing?

Food, drinks? Go partake.

have been together.

Oh.

Hey, look, I'm really sorry.

If I'd have known you two was... Look,
I'm sorry about that kiss, mate. Nothing

meant by it, honest.

Look, if it make you feel any better,
there was no tongue.

Uh -uh.

Well, at least not on my part anyway.

You see that? He's got his arm around
her. Makes her feel loved and protected

the same time. Score one for Miles.
Women like that. Women hate that. It

us feel like property.

It's a move men make when they're
desperate.

You know?

Well, maybe this isn't the best time for
a visit. What with the bash going on

and all.

Well, perhaps we can go together
tomorrow.

Where are you staying?

Oh, well, I was hoping you'd put me up,
love. But I can't expect that now, can

I? No, you know, I wouldn't even ask.

Look, it's late. I'll just be off to my
next stop and spend the night.

Oh, um, it's, uh, Las Vegas far from
here.

Not really. Just go out the door of the
building and take a left.

Um, of course, you'd be more than
welcome to stay here tonight, but all I

is this old pull -out couch with a
bad... mattress and lousy spree.

Super. I don't want to get in your way.
I'll just wash up and keep right out of

sight, okay?

Everybody, enjoy the party.

Celebrate good times.

Come on.

Thank you, Miles.

I know what an awkward situation this
must be, and I don't blame you for being

upset. Audrey, please.

It's no big deal. The guy comes to town.
He needs a place to stay. It's only one

night. He's just an old tongue. Friend.

Thank you for understanding, Miles.

Uh -oh. She's kissing him on the cheek.
Hang tough, Miles. Don't smile.

Don't... Oh, man.

He smiled.

I don't believe you fell for the old
cheat kit used by women everywhere to

disarm the male.

You see, we men know a few of your
tricks, too.

What? Tell me...

Please, Corky. Why can't I have better
things to do than to stand around

gossiping? So, as I was saying, Frank,
when Alexander the Great installed

Ptolemy I as ruler of Egypt, the entire
social structure... Ten bucks says

Bluto's out of here in five minutes. Ten
bucks says he's here for the night.

I'll take that, that sucker.

Oi!

You got any cream rinse?

I got two fives in my purse.

Las Vegas, huh?

What? You, uh, you said you wanted to go
to Las Vegas.

Remember? Three days ago when you first
got here?

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah. I'm just waiting on some money
from home.

Wouldn't you know, I went through all
the cash that I brought in the first two

days.

How much did you bring?

What, in American money?

$17.

I'm running late, so I'll just grab a
muffin and be off to work.

Why don't I just walk you to the door,
Pookie?

Is anything wrong, Miles? What could be
wrong? Colin's a delightful house cat.

Well, well.

Killed off another one.

You know, what confuses me, and you're
going to have to help me out with this,

you were actually involved with him
once?

I'm not sure what it is. I'm having a
hard time picturing that.

Oh, Miles.

I was younger when I met Colin.

The relationship was primarily a sexual
one.

Constant brutish sex.

But then I realized there's more to a
relationship than the pleasures of the

flesh, incredible though they might be.

No longer am I attracted to muscular
lads with more rugged good looks than

brains.

I'm over that now.

Well, now that that's settled, I'll just
be getting back to Lilliput to help tie

Gulliver down.

Miles, you've been very understanding
about this whole situation.

To invite him to stay one night was
really quite generous.

But now it's been three nights and you
haven't uttered one word of complaint.

Well, there was that one time I had to
ask him to stop lifting me up, but other

than that... It's just that some men
might be a little, oh, I don't know,

jealous. But you don't seem to be that
way at all.

Hey, guess I'm just not the jealous
type.

Ah, well, lucky me.

I guess I should be going.

Have a good day, Colin.

So long, love.

Hold on.

Have a good one.

I always like to set them off happy.

you do back in jolly old england well
mostly i'm in the soccer uh -huh you

i never met a soccer player before oh i
don't play but you know those fights

that break out in the stands i start
those oh look

um colin it's been great having you here
and i certainly don't want to seem

inhospitable but have you given any
thought you know you're a very lucky

mate yeah you are and you might find
this hard to believe

But Audrey's the classiest woman that
I've ever bent over the back of a bus

seat.

Well, that's an interesting side note.

But, uh, as I was saying, this is a big
country, and if you stay in one place

too long... Oh, it's been super thin
again, Miles.

But all the old feelings have come back,
just as strong as they were.

The passion, the jealousy, the pain.

I've always wondered how I'd react to
seeing Audrey with another man.

I've thought about that every day since
the day that we broke up.

I guess that's what you call an
obsession.

A sickness.

That's not a thing you like to think
about.

I've imagined that man's throats in my
hands.

The feel of his last breath passing
through my fingers.

His final gurgle.

Well, revenge.

We all think about it, but we don't act
on it, do we? That's what separates us

from the animals.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

The last breath passing through my
fingers.

The final gurgle.

Is this guy colorful or what?

That's exactly what he said? Yeah.
You're not exaggerating? No. You're

Come on, Frank.

Be serious. Jim, tell Frank this guy's
pulling my leg. He's pulling my leg,

isn't he?

It's possible he's pulling your leg.

It's also possible he's planning to pull
your leg off.

Stop it.

Honestly, Miles, you have absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Even if he does try to beat you to a
pulp, you're scrappy.

That'll do the trick against this Colin
guy. Open your eyes, Miles. He's a thug.

He was shipped into this country in a
cage.

You want to see the people he stayed
with before you? Open his luggage.

I'm telling you, when this guy wants
kidney pie, hold your sides and run. He

so tough. Thank you, Murphy.

Thank you.

I get your point.

But what you're saying has nothing to do
with my world.

See, I function in the rational world
where people just don't go around

each other up.

I mean, seriously, how many of us have
ever been in a fistfight?

I meant as adults.

I meant in the last month.

I'll only say one thing.

Clark Clifford is a lot tougher than he
looks.

Listen, Miles, whether you want to admit
it or not, you've got a problem here.

How does Audrey feel about it? Oh,
right. I'm going to tell Audrey that her

houseguest wants to make me gurgle.

She'll think I'm jealous, threatened,
and insecure.

You are jealous, threatened, and
insecure.

No, I'm not!

Even if I were, you don't show someone
all that stuff the first week you're

living together.

You dole it out gradually, over the
years. That's what makes a life

Miles, if you don't wake up, you're not
going to have a life together. I'm

telling you, this guy wants what you
have, and sooner or later, he's going to

try to take it. When that happens,
you're going to need a plan. I suggest

distract him. My personal favorite is,
hey, look, there's Dick Cavett. Then you

pop him with a strong left.

I am not going to fight him.

I'm a Harvard graduate, not some little
boy out on the playground.

Besides, this whole conversation is
pointless.

Colin's just waiting for some money to
come from home. As soon as he gets it,

we're going to put him on a bus, give
him a rib roast to suck on, say our

goodbyes, and he'll be off to fabulous
Las Vegas. This is not a crisis.

Oh!

Hands were cold, okay?

Last breath passing through my fingers.

The final gurgle.

isn't he, Phil?

You see this tray here, Miles?

Now, I want you to imagine a nice,
garnished, fresh green with vegetables.

Right in the center, your head.

Cut it out, Phil.

He's gonna reduce you to a thick paste
with glasses.

I'm telling you, Miles, I'm a bartender.
I'm required by law to tell the truth.

Audrey!

And Colin!

the gang.

Everyone, this is Audrey's old friend,
Colin.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello. Hi, Colin. We're Miles' pals,
Murphy, Corky, Frank, and Jim. Frank

out, and Jim's over six feet tall.

Brian, you gonna eat the rest of that
sandwich?

Uh, no.

Take it. Great.

The British possess a certain charm.

You tend to think of Noel Coward as the
epitome of it, but then you see they all

have it.

Well, uh, isn't this an unexpected
treat?

Interesting you should use that word,
Miles, because Colin unexpectedly showed

up at the museum this morning with some
rather unexpected news, and I thought

you'd like to hear it.

Go ahead, Colin. Tell Miles your
unexpected news.

Well, I've decided that since I'm having
such a good time seeing Audrey again, I

thought I'd stay here for a bit.

Huh? Now, Audrey here was a little
concerned that you might object, but I

her me and Miles are mates. He won't
mind at all.

Right, Miles?

You don't mind, do you?

Kevin!

See? I told you.

I want you out!

Miles, what are you saying?

I'm jealous, okay?

Jealous, threatened, insecure, and sick!

But we'll talk about that later.

Colin, you know how passionate you feel
about Audrey? Well, I'm just as

passionate in a quiet East Coast
preserved Hebrew way.

I've been afraid to say it, because that
would be admitting this relationship

meant more to me than I was ready to
admit.

But I'm through being afraid.

I want a life with this woman, and we
cannot have that with you here. It has

be just us in our house. And Colin, it
is our house.

Not my house.

Our house.

I want that life to begin now.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'm not stupid, am I?

I can hear the handwriting on the wall.

If this is what you really want... I do,
very much.

Fine. Have your little life together.

You know, in the old days, I would have
wiped the floor with you.

I don't know.

Maybe I've grown.

But I'll tell you one thing.

You're the littlest gob of spit I've
ever walked away from.

Here, before I introduce you to the
business center of Beulah. Okay, okay,

leaving.

Hey, mate, you wouldn't happen to be
going by the way of Las Vegas on your

home, would you?

Oh, yeah, you better run. You shepherd
pie -eating, fish -and -chip -loving

Yorkshire pudding for brains.

happening to me?

What kind of animal have I become that I
attack another human being?

I slipped to a new low.

I actually punched someone.

And if he hadn't been wearing that heavy
sweater, he might actually have felt

it.

Oh, Miles, I'm so happy.

Because of the punch? No, the punch was
meaningless and stupid.

But what you said to Colin about our
life together, it's what I've been

so long... What's wrong to hear?

I do care about you, Audrey.

And I'm not afraid to say it.

I care about you!

God,

that felt good.

And now, I think you better take me to a
doctor.

I can feel my internal organs moving
down into my thighs.

Before I put your name on the mailbox,
is there anybody else you want me to

about?

Why don't we wait until you're stronger?

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, God.