Original subtitles

Look at this. Happy Le Pew in a dress.

Miles, four days in Paris. How come she always gets the great trips? It's not

fair. Oh, what are you talking about, Frank? I'm the one who hasn't been out

town since before the baby was born.

And if I'm not mistaken, you got one of my overseas assignments when I was out

on maternity leave. Yeah, right.

Sewer crisis in Calcutta. Thanks a lot.

Jeez, Frank, one little cobra bite and you go all to peace.

Now stop complaining. We should all be thrilled that Murphy's bringing her

special brand of journalism back to the world stage.

Thank you, Miles.

Oh, please. The only reason he's happy to see you go is for the next four days

you won't have to wear his bike guard when he goes to sleep.

I told you I'm wearing a bike guard.

We have the same dentist, remember?

He told me you're just as tight as the tin man in The Wizard of Oz.

That's dental information.

It's supposed to be confidential.

Oil can!

Oil can!

You want to go back to Calcutta, Frank, do you? Keep it up. Oil can!

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to miss this a lot.

But Paris awaits me. Yes, Paris. A city where the people are so rude, I'm

considered a gracious guest.

And all the arrangements have been made right? Everything's set?

Absolutely. It's the final proof that I've successfully integrated my baby and

my career.

Everything's all taken care of. Right down to the Parisian nanny. So while I'm

working, little Winston can be at Euro Disneyland watching a French Snow White

walk around with hairy legs.

You're not serious.

Murph, you're naming your kid Winston after Winston Churchill?

No, Frank. I'm naming him after a cigarette.

I wanted to name him after a bad habit I've given up, and Ernest and Julio

wouldn't fit on an ID card.

Murphy, the baby is four and a half months old. Don't you think it's time

stop playing musical names and finally commit to one? It's not that simple,

Miles. I want to make sure the name fits, and I can't do that until he

more of a person. Right now, he just eats, sleeps, and whines.

Why don't you name him Frank?

Enjoy your root canal on the 21st.

Oh, Murphy, there you are.

I want you to do a favor for me while you're in Paris.

It's very important, so you might want to write this down.

Although, I'm sure you'll remember.

I want you to go to the Trésor Lee Boutique in Saint -Germain and return

scarf for me.

And get cash, Murphy.

Don't you let them talk you into store credit.

Murphy, I'm going to be interviewing foreign ministers.

heads of state and at least one reigning monarch. Plus, I'm going to have my kid

with me. Now, if I take this box, what do you think I'm going to do with it?

Anybody want to buy a scarf?

Murphy, what time is your flight leaving?

7 a .m. tomorrow.

Can you believe it? I'm now one of those annoying we -get -to -board -first

-because -we -have -children people.

Yes!

Okay. Let's see now. Get new passport.

Done. Confirm reservations.

Done. Check airline for bankruptcy. You can't be too careful.

Keep thinking there's something I've forgotten.

I got rhythm, I got music.

I got my gal who could ask for anything more.

Oh, here's the file you wanted, Miss Brown. I'm taking my break now.

if I can save that for when I get back.

Ah, Slugger.

I have a little going -away gift for you.

Really, Jim? A present for me?

Where? Just a token to welcome you back to the road. A symbol of the ties that

bind those of us who toil in the vineyards of journalism.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me that.

Ooh, look what I got. An electronic translator.

You type a phrase in English and read it back in any of five different

languages. French, Spanish, Russian, Japanese, or Yiddish.

Get your damn beret out of my face.

Hey,

it works, Jim. Thank you very much.

Well, if there are no other presents, and apparently there aren't, I have a

other things to do.

Let's see. Get a traveler's check. Take a baby to the pediatrician for checkup.

Talk to cable company about getting credit for the four days I'm out of

Thanks, Courtney, but I won't be needing any luck. I've got everything covered.

I've got my gal who could ask for anything more.

Who could ask for anything more?

See? I'm ahead of schedule already.

Where have you been?

Do you realize you were supposed to be back from the doctor one hour ago?

Well, I'm sorry, Ellen. You could have called me in the car. I told you I don't

believe in car phones.

You know, next thing you know, they're putting bathtubs in cars.

Then you'll see some accidents.

Well, I'm sorry, Eldon. We had to stop off at the drugstore for a prescription.

What? Well, wait a minute.

What prescription? This was just supposed to be a checkup. Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Eldon, it's okay. He has a slight ear infection.

I'm just going to put him in his bassinet.

A ear infection?

Oh, no.

No, that's because of that draft in the nursery, isn't it?

I knew I should have put extra weather stripping on that window frame.

But no, I had to finish that mural of world leaders as nursery rhyme

All that time wasted painting little short pants on Humpty Yeltsin.

Stupid, stupid.

Eldon, will you relax?

Dr. Coulter said ear infections are common in babies his age. He's not in

pain, and with a little medication, he should be over in a few days.

The only trouble is, the doctor said he can't fly.

Well, of course he can't fly. A rudimentary knowledge of physics would

that. I meant on the plane.

I'm supposed to go to Paris tomorrow, and my kid can't go.

Which means I've either got to give up one of the biggest international stories

of the year, or leave him with the nanny for four days. And as far as that

nanny's concerned... I know, I know. I shouldn't worry. Mrs. Moline is

She's incredibly confident. She's trustworthy. And technically no longer

employ.

Excuse me?

That girlfriend friend of yours stopped over this afternoon. You know, the one

with the long hair, the big smile.

Maria Shriver? That's the one.

That's the one.

Now, I told her, I said, look, she's not home, but she just pushes her way in

here and she's just talking to Mrs. Molina. Yaggity, yaggity, yaggity. And

thing I know, well, she hired her.

Wait a minute.

Maria Shriver stole my nanny?

Well, then, I left a note on the referral.

Oh, Ms. Brown.

I left you a note on the... Refer... Yeah, I heard.

I can explain.

Oh, I'll bet you can.

So, this is how you repay me, huh? After all I've done for you, didn't I say you

could help yourself to anything in the refrigerator?

There's never anything in the refrigerator. Just answer the question.

Brown, I'm sorry. It's just that Maria told me that I could... Oh, it's Maria

now, is it? Well, that's quite a switch from what the last nanny had to call

her, the queen.

Tell me, Mrs. Molina, have you ever felt the sharp sting of a writing prop

against your flanks? Well, you will, my friend, the first time you spill talcum

powder on her carpet. Whack!

She told me that you would say something like that. Okay, okay, what did she

offer you? Let's hear it. Well, there's a $100 raise.

I'll double it. A four -week paid vacation. Okay.

A free loaner car.

Does she need a painter?

Eldon.

Okay, I'll give you all that stuff. And a dental plan with a $50 deductible.

What, is she out of her mind? Has she seen your mouth? You've got more bridge

work than the river.

Oh, that's Maria now. I really have to go.

Okay, okay. I'll match the devil plan.

Oh, that's very generous. But in all honesty, I'd say I'd prefer to look

Maria's kids. Why? What do her kids have that mine doesn't? A different mother.

Okay, fine. Leave.

You'll be sorry.

What are you laughing at, Shriver?

You... You nanny napper.

Well, that's it.

No way I can go to Paris now.

Can you believe it?

I've got a story to cover and I can't go.

Well, that's the first time I ever heard myself say that.

I can't go.

That sounds weird.

See what it looks like in Yiddish.

Oy.

Look, before you break into selections, we'll fiddle around the roof.

May I suggest that... May I suggest that if this is that important to you,

Hey, I could watch the little fella.

You? Well, sure.

Sure, why not? It's only for four days.

Gee, I never even considered you, Eldon.

But it does make sense.

You know him as well as anybody.

And he's not breastfeeding anymore, so that wouldn't be a problem.

Eldon, are you sure you want to do this?

Well, the only problem I see is I think that maybe I have a slightly more

developed feminine side than you do, and that might confuse him.

Other than that, no sweat.

Well, isn't what I planned.

But at least I won't worry if he's with you.

And I will be able to cover my story.

So that's it, then.

Right.

That's it.

I'll go to Paris and you'll stay here with... With... Damn.

What is it this week?

Jacques Cousteau -Brahman.

No, no, no. That was last week. Oh, yeah, right. The night we had fish.

I gotta settle on a name.

Hi, guys.

Murphy, what are you doing here?

It's okay.

Everything's fine.

I'll have a burger, Phil.

You got it. Murphy, why are you ordering a burger? You're supposed to be on a

plane to Paris. I know that, Miles. There's been a change in plan.

The baby has a slight ear infection.

Oh, is he all right? No, no, no. He's okay, really.

It's just that he can't fly. So Eldon's going to stay with him while I'm gone.

Don't worry, Miles. I can still go out on the Concorde tonight and be in Paris

in time for my first interview tomorrow.

Well, Murphy, are you sure you want to go? I mean, I could send someone else to

cover this helmet. It's pretty short notice, but it could be done.

Absolutely. Don't worry about this story, Murph. I can handle it. Oh,

You think Helmut Kohl's going to want to talk German nationalism with you after

that Colonel Klink impression you did at the Berlin Wall celebration?

It was Sergeant Schultz.

And you think with a name like Helmut, the guy could take a joke.

Miles, I'm the only one who can do this. No one else has the access to get the

interviews I've set up.

Murphy, if you're sure. Who's at anything about being sure? I was up all

over this, and the baby was no help at all. At 3 a .m., he smiled like a sign

that I should go. At 4 .30, he cried like he was asking me to stay.

Smile, cry, smile, cry.

It was like an evening with Liza Minnelli.

Don't you see what's happening here?

You're a mother now, and you're feeling maternal ties.

No, I'm not.

It's all right to admit it. No mother wants to leave her baby when he's sick.

He's not sick. It's just this little ear thing.

The pediatrician said I could go, and I just appreciated if you would all stop

giving me such a hard time. Murphy, nobody's giving you a hard time. Oh,

Harass me some more. You know, this wouldn't even be an issue if I were a

No one thinks twice when fathers leave their kids to go on business trips.

Jim, if you were in my shoes, you'd go, wouldn't you?

Well, Murphy, that's hard to say. As you know, Doris and I never had children.

However, there was that time I was scheduled to speak in San Francisco and

dog, Trickster, ran into the sliding glass door and screamed his name.

I was ready to leave and there he was, looking at me with those soulful eyes,

wearing his cervical collar.

An unhappy little circus dog.

There you go, Murphy.

Hope it didn't take too long.

But you know how it is right after an election.

The winners are still celebrating. The losers are drowning their sorrows.

Bar business is up 90%. I love this country.

Bill, you're a father. How do you decide the right balance between work and

family?

Well, I'll tell you, Murphy.

I never heard of anybody lying on their deathbed wishing they had spent more

time at work.

On the other hand, I got eight kids.

That means eight potty trainings, eight cases of the measles.

Eight Halloween costumes every year.

Well, there was that one time when we put one sheet over all of them and sent

them out as cash for the real fat ghost.

Truth is, there's days when coming in here to sweat over a deep fryer is like

Bermuda vacation.

Bill.

Looks like Hillary and Tipper need another pitcher of margaritas.

Well, it's obvious none of you can help me.

Clearly, there's only one way to make a decision that's difficult.

So, one potato, two potato, three potato, four. Murphy.

Murphy, I understand what a painful decision this must be.

However, I might point out that in approximately 16 hours, a very expensive

French film crew will be at the La Parisienne Hotel looking for a blonde

American anchor person.

Now, that could be you, or it could be Frank in a wig. I could live with that.

You're right, Miles.

I have to make this decision myself.

Okay.

If I get to my car without stepping on a crack, I go.

Oh, God.

Whatever you decide is okay.

She'll go.

No, she won't.

Oh, yeah?

If she doesn't go, I buy everybody lunch tomorrow.

It's a bet. Don't take a piece of that. Anybody want to bet on how long before a

blood vessel birthed in my brain?

So, what I'm saying is... If I did go to Paris, I'd only be gone for four days.

You barely note it.

A baby's brain doesn't even recognize time has passed.

You're kind of like the Beach Boys that way.

Don't get me wrong.

It's very important for me to be a good mother.

I'm just not exactly sure what that means.

You know, my mother wouldn't even have had this conversation.

Yep. Your Grandma Avery always did exactly what she wanted.

Very strong -willed, which, incidentally, seems to run in the

And I have a feeling that wherever she is right now, she's getting a big kick

out of what you're putting me through. Yeah.

So you think that's funny, too, huh?

Oh, great.

Just what I need. Another Avery in my life.

Avery.

Avery Brown.

Oh, jeez, I don't know.

How do you do that to a little boy?

Still, you've got to admit, there is something about it that feels kind of

right.

What do you think?

Okay, you got it.

I just hope for your sake that wasn't a gas bubble.

I think your cab's here.

Either that or it's that Shriver lady coming to pick up your stereo setup.

So, are you going to go or not?

Just give me a second, okay, Eldon?

Okay.

Here's the deal.

I may not know a lot about this mother business, but one thing I am sure of is

that if I can't be who I am,

I won't be much good to you.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I gotta go do my job.

Okay, Eldon.

Here you go.

Take good care of Avery.

Excuse me?

That's his name, Eldon.

Avery Brown.

Oh, I like it.

Oh, I like it a lot.

What's his middle name?

Middle name?

Yeah. Well, he's got to have a middle name. How else is he going to know when

you're mad at him?

What's your middle name?

Radislav.

He'll know when I'm mad.

Eldon, I'll call you as soon as I get to Paris.

Okay,

Avery.

Here are the rules.

No parties, no girls.

And no matter how much you cry, you can't borrow the Porsche.

Bye.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye, Mommy.

Bye. Bye -bye, Mommy.

Hey. Oh, yeah.

You're developing a very nice technique. Do you know that? A real Picassoist

form.

This one. This one definitely deserves a place on the Refrigerator Door Museum

of Art.

Hey, pal. Any cab driver in Paris would be thrilled with a 5 % tip.

I'm home. So we gathered.

You're also a day early.

Well, so what's the big deal? I'm a day early.

You've seen one European summit conference. You've seen them all. Watch

make your finger paint. Hello, Avery.

You survived three days with your Uncle Eldon.

Not to belabor a point.

It was supposed to be four days with Uncle Eldon.

What sort of haste did you return?

Oh, I wonder.

Could it be that you actually might have missed the little guy?

Oh, I missed a lot of things in Paris, Eldon.

My own bed, American football, waiters that don't smoke when they bring you

soup.

Hey, I got presents.

You want me to take them? No, no, no. It's okay, I got it.

There it is.

Look at that, Avery. Something you can really sink your little gums into.

Actually, Alden, this is for you.

It's a soft sculpture from the Louvre Museum. I thought you'd like it. Oh.

Wow.

The French.

They are a funny race.

This is for Avery.

Gee.

Toes are so little, aren't they, Alden?

Really, really little.

I bet I could get his whole... foot in my mouth.

Didn't they feed you on the plane?

You want to tell me again about what it was you missed?

Okay. I missed him.

I wasn't planning on it, but I kept getting reminded of him.

Yesterday I had lunch with Francois Mitterrand. I sat there staring at his

balding head and pink cheeks. All of a sudden I leaned across the table and

wiped onion soup off his chin.

What's happening to me?

Well, I believe that it's referred to In psychological circles, that's the

bonding process.

Geez. I was hoping it was just jet lag.

You know, my whole life, I never had to think of anyone but me.

Now, all of a sudden, I've got a relationship with someone who's even

-centered than I am.

I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to get my way as often as I used

You hear that, Evie?

You took out the chance.

Well, thanks for staying with him, Eldon.

I'm going to call the nanny agency tomorrow. You know, if I may just

there, Avery and I have something we'd like to discuss with you along those

lines.

Avery, should I go first?

Okay. Well, you know, the thing is, you've been going through a lot of

in the past few months, and, well, metaphorically speaking, the streets of

Washington are strewn with nanny carcasses.

Now, this being the case, and seeing as... Well, I'm doing most of the work

anyway.

Well, it's... Holden, what is it you're saying?

Are you saying you want to be the nanny?

You know, I really prefer maybe if we could come up with a different term.

Maybe a juvenile mentor.

Physical, spiritual, and aesthetic advisor.

Maybe just the big guy.

But why?

I seem to remember you turning down a free goldfish once because you were

the responsibility would interfere with your painting.

Oh, see?

As I see it, great artists, really great artists, do their best work in the face

of a major obstacle.

Caravaggio was broke.

Van Gogh was nuts.

Michelangelo had the Pope hammering him for a deadline.

So, thinking about it, I mean, maybe, maybe I need an obstacle.

I mean, let's face it, a new baby makes a pushy Pope seem like a cakewalk.

And that's the only reason you want to do this, huh?

Hey, okay.

You know what?

The same reason you came home early, that's the reason I want to do this.

Fair enough.

But just so I understand, how long are we talking about here?

What? Hey, I'm an artist. I don't think in linear concepts like time.

Tell me about it.

Look at this house.

Look at this house. Do you see any unmitered corners? Do you see any

tape joint seams?

I don't think so.

Well, let me tell you.

I will do no less for this guy.

And I will stay right here until the work is done.

Okay?

Okay.

Did you hear that, Avery?

We are now officially a threesome.

Yeah, that's just your typical American family.