Original subtitles

trying to put his anxieties to rest, and you're out here yelling about leaving.

Elvin, I know that a parent's first day back at the office can be traumatic for

a child, but come on, he's only six weeks old. At this stage of the game,

am to him is a blonde buffet.

Think it for me, he's not even going to know I'm gone.

Temporarily gone, only to return at the end of the day with lots and lots of

presents.

You know, a selection, a tough... Toys would be nice. Well, then, don't make

this worse than it is. Look at me. I'm cool. I'm collected.

And why?

Because I have planned this entire day, and so far, everything is running

perfectly. All you need is a little flexibility, a sense of humor, and a

supply of clean glasses.

Flexibility.

A word that has not yet found its way onto the Brown family coat of arms.

Eight o 'clock. Take shower, brush teeth. I did that. I didn't get to

there's that long light at M Street.

9 .30, greet new nanny. 10 o 'clock, arrive at office.

There'll probably be a welcome back celebration of some kind. Cake,

And then, at 10 .15, begin work.

Hope that new nanny isn't going to be late.

You like her, don't you, Eldon? Oh, yeah. Although she is British, you know,

baby will be around her a lot.

God, what if he picks up that accent?

No one wants their kid's first words to be... Pip -pip.

Oh, that'd be very weird.

Huh. Right on time. I think she's going to work out just fine.

Good morning, Miss Brown. Hello. Come in.

I'm so sorry. I usually try to arrive a little early, but I had to stop and pick

up some lunch.

Oh, then. Look at this.

Punctual and she brings her own lunch. The two qualities I like most in a

person. Margaret, you remember Eldon.

Oh, yes.

The painter.

Hello?

Cheerios.

We're all set.

Adelaide's in the den. He's fed.

Adelaide? Who's Adelaide?

Is there another painter?

No, no, Adelaide's the baby. Adelaide Stevenson Brown.

I thought his name was Leck Willessa Brown.

No, that was last week. We decided he didn't look like a Leck. No, you

For me, it's still a toss -up between Leck and Donnie. Well, I'm just going to

say goodbye to him. Excuse me.

me, Mr. Bernicke, does Miss Brown pay every week or every other week?

Welcome to my world.

Oh, that went pretty well.

Miss the little guy.

Not that there's a lot to miss at this point. He doesn't really have a

personality yet. His brain isn't fully developed.

Add a set of golf clubs, he could be the vice president.

Well, don't want to be late my first day back.

Everything will be fine.

Thanks.

It's always hard the first day.

Well, I suppose I'd better be looking in on the master.

Uh, Margaret?

Sorry, one thing.

I don't know if you're going to be doing any ironing today, but if you do, be

sure to unplug it before you leave the room. I don't know a lot about irons,

I've heard they can start fires.

I won't be doing any ironing, ma 'am.

Okay, goodbye.

I don't know if you know, but if you see a warning from the emergency broadcast

system on television, don't worry, it's just a warning. In the event of a real

emergency, you'll be instructed where to tune in your area for news and

information.

How comforting.

So few new mothers think to remind their nannies of the threat of thermonuclear

war.

Good.

Eldon, everything okay?

On this side of the door, yes.

Excellent.

Well I'm off.

I'll just be leaving now.

that cake.

Coming through.

Well, Murphy, there's so much for traveling light. Is this everything, or

Gunga Din bringing up more from the lobby? It's a baby thing, Frank. You

bring everything, because you never know what he'll want. Murphy, what's this?

Let's say one, two, three.

It's a breast pump, Miles.

Miss Brown, if I may, I feel I should caution against overstimulating the

Okay, guys, it's time to focus on work. Margaret, maybe you better take him into

my office.

Very good, ma 'am.

They were stimulating the baby.

I've never been accused of overstimulating anyone in my life.

Miles, I hadn't planned... on bringing in the baby, but the nanny seemed a

little anxious about being left alone with him on the first day. I figured

was the best way of handling the situation.

I understand completely. In fact, if you want to go home and try this again

tomorrow, that's fine. I just had a light -day plan. Maybe pitch out a few

areas and quit early.

Miles, are you taking it easy because of me?

Don't lie to me, Miles. I'm a mother now. I can tell when people are lying. I

can also do that thing where you use spit to clean off a person's face.

Murphy, I swear, an informal idea session, and that's it. We were just

start. Well, that's perfect because I've got a story all ready to pitch.

Just let me get my kid settled and I'll be right back.

My kid. Oh, it's going to sound so weird.

Five minutes, Miles.

Oh, and I'll be meeting a new secretary.

I'll be first and I'll call. Murphy, welcome back. Thanks, Miles.

Okay, that's it. Let me know when you're ready to break camp and come home.

And one other thing.

You see that?

You see that guy in the corner?

When we first came in, everyone had an oh, how cute look on their face.

Now, this guy had more of a I wonder if that baby will fit in my book bag look.

Hey, hey, hey. You were wrong about the cake.

I'm just going to add that to the list of things to tell Murphy when she comes

out. But she will, eventually.

Just to recap, we've got Frank's story. We've got Corky's next two stories.

Jim's commentaries are covered between now and the election.

So, what else?

Judas Iscariot, man, there isn't anything else. We've been sitting here

three hours and I'm starving.

Sorry, but I can't stand having a late lunch.

My dinner will have to be pushed back.

Which impacts on tomorrow's breakfast, which impacts on tomorrow's lunch.

Before I know it, I'll be having Sunday brunch next Thursday afternoon.

Come on, Jimbo. Hang in there. Murphy said she'll be out to pitch her story in

five minutes. Oh, man, she's been saying that all day.

You know, I really admire Murphy for trying to balance her career and a baby

the same time.

And now that I've said that, I want you to go in there and drag her maternal

butt out here.

All right.

Like I'm going to do that.

She's probably got that pump thing going.

There's an image I want burned into my retinas.

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I had to change him twice.

But my real problem is that nanny, she just doesn't seem up to the job.

Fortunately, I'm handling it.

Sure you are, Murphy. And just remember, this is all valuable experience that

will make life that much easier if you ever have any more. babies.

Think you will?

Only if I can use your uterus.

Everyone is ready. Murphy Brown is ready to pitch. And here it is.

Political dirty tricks groups.

We know they're out there. We know the damage they can do. Excuse me, Miss

Brown. I'm having a bit of trouble.

Yes, Margaret?

Was I to file the mail alphabetically or by date received?

I'm afraid I don't quite follow.

One... One more time.

The mail gets opened and filed by date received. You write down the phone

messages in order of return priority.

It isn't that difficult, Margaret.

I mean, it's not what I was hired to do, is it now?

I believe I'm supposed to be looking after the baby, if I'm not mistaken.

Margaret, for the past three hours, I have been in my office looking after the

baby, in effect doing your job.

The way I see it, you owe me three hours' work.

All right, then.

What did I tell you?

Okay. Are we going to hear my pitch or not?

Here we go.

Political dirty tricks groups. We know they're out there. We know the damage

they can do. Miss Brown, Adelaide is comfortable.

Your mail is on your desk.

I quit.

What? You can't quit. I'm right in the middle of work.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not going down this road again.

First it's your mail, then your phone messages.

Next thing I know, I'm mucking out the stables and grooming your polo bonies.

Not a bloody lie. Miss Brown. Not bloody likely.

Very professional.

What agency are you with again?

Nanny's More?

What's the more stand for? That's what I want to know. Not typing.

Not filing. You're a quitter, Margaret.

I bet Mary Poppins never quit.

You'll be glad I'm not Mary Poppins. I know what I'd do with that umbrella

now.

The British.

as quitters.

Thirteen little colonies, they couldn't handle it. Well, this is not a problem.

The truth is, she was holding me back.

I'll just check on the baby, and then I'll be right back.

Actually,

Murph, we were thinking about breaking for lunch.

Oh, that's a good idea. A working lunch, just like the old days. I can pitch my

story down at Phil. Sounds good. Let's go. I'll get the elevator.

Wait a minute.

I'll just go get him. I'll be back in five minutes.

Well,

here we are.

Wasn't too bad. Only took us 25 minutes. 37 minutes, actually. Renews. Renews.

You couldn't wait. You didn't see me drop the stuffed turtle in the street?

It's not a turtle, Miles. It's Mr.

Froggy. Well, now it's Mr. Roadkill.

day to bring the little one in. Pat Buchanan's here.

He's circulating a petition to change the name of our species to

I don't need any special attention. Nothing's changed.

I'll get some menus.

Hey, Pat, cut it out.

Now the guy's erasing fruit plate from the specials board.

You're out of control, mister.

It's great to be back. Okay, let's get into it.

Political dirty treks groups.

We know they're out there. We know the damage they can do. Murphy, perhaps you

should order first so we don't interrupt the flow of your pitch. Phil, Phil,

I'll have a mixed green salad. Just hold that thought, Jim.

It's Murphy's first day back.

Better start things off. Women and children first.

By all means, let's model our lunch after the Titanic.

I'll have the usual. A Philburger. Wait a minute.

There's somebody smoking.

That's not good for the baby.

Oh, Phil, I'm afraid she's right. I hate to be a bother, but maybe just this

one. No problem, Murphy.

Hey, there.

I'm sure you weren't aware of it, but if you look over here, you see that you're

smoking in front of a baby.

Yeah, well, these are my cigarettes. Let him buy his own.

Yeah, that's funny.

Here's five bucks.

Put it down.

Thanks, Phil. Okay, we're all set now. I'm going to have a... Jeez, do you

believe that guy? Pack all over my baby, why don't you?

I'll be right back.

Look, here's five bucks. The next time you get the urge to cough, do me a favor

and step outside, will you?

Thanks,

Phil. I'll have a Philburger and fries, same as always.

Next, mixed green salad, oil and vinegar.

Oh, he's fine. His phone lasts long. He'll cry himself out in a few seconds.

Okay, okay, you can stop now.

Why is he crying, Murphy? Is he hungry?

I don't know. Does he need to be changed?

I don't know. Is he tired? I don't know.

Oh, Mandy.

Oh, you came and you gave us everything.

What are you doing? Are you singing a Barry Manilow song?

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

You were singing Mandy.

Sometimes it calms him down, okay?

Doggy, can we put this plug in his mouth?

I tell you what, guys. Maybe we better go to plan B. I'll take him back to the

office, and you guys stay here and have lunch. Excellent idea. A burger, salad,

fries?

Okay, okay.

I'll need this and this.

Oh, and I need this.

Oh, Jesus.

It'll be you sitting in his crib holding a banana.

And now... I

knew it.

I ate too fast.

I always try to get back on track after a late lunch by wolfing down my food,

but it never works.

Speaking of which, I called Doris.

If anyone's in the neighborhood, we'll be having leg of lamb with mint jelly at

2 .30 tomorrow morning.

Let it go.

Okay, people, let's focus. Corky, you were in the middle of something. Yes,

thank you, Miles.

So then, when I moved on to the Miss Northeast Louisiana semifinals, people

I didn't stand a chance. The judges were all for Monroe.

Talk about your bias.

I think the turning point was when the girl from Monroe kicked herself in the

mouth with her tap shoe.

What is wrong with you? Do you want her to kill us all?

Turn off your ringer.

He's finally asleep.

I turned on C -SPAN and he dropped right off.

I'll just keep an ear on things with this monitor.

Okay.

Political dirty tricks groups.

We know they're out there.

We know the damage they're doing.

Well, I'm glad you've been listening. Anyway, I thought I'd take a look at

groups and... You hear anything?

I don't hear anything.

I guess he's just sleeping quietly.

Very quietly.

Much more quietly than usual.

Anyway, let me just run in and check to make sure he's breathing. Five minutes,

Miles.

Five minutes?

Who is she kidding?

By the time five of her minutes go by, I'll be trying out my new hip and

complaining about my son with the schicksal wife.

Murphy,

you need to talk.

It's okay.

He's asleep.

Not so fast, Murphy.

We all appreciate what you're trying to do.

But maybe you should go home, get your life in order, and come back. Forget it,

Miles. This is something I have to do.

Look, nothing has to change. I can be a great reporter and a great mom. I have

everything under control. Oh, really?

In almost six hours, you haven't gotten past the first two lines of your story

pitch. Everyone in the office is tiptoeing around like the bomb squad,

head feels like someone took my optic nerve and tied it into a sheep shank. I

going to pitch my story, even if it takes all day, and you are staying, too,

even if I have to chain your little legs to the water cooler and stand on your

skinny little chest.

Oh, nice talk, great mother.

You think you're in control of this situation? You are so far out of your

outside with me, and then we'll have you step onto the elevator and out of the

building. Trust me, we'll do it. Oh, it's an employee orientation thing?

Does anybody want gum?

Let me guess.

Five minutes, right?

sides well this is a weird way to work murphy talking we hear her she doesn't

hear us so really nothing's changed okay

anyway we go out on footage of people voting what goes on behind a closed

curtain as influenced by what goes on

That could be anywhere from three days to infinity.

Look, I'm leaving while I can. Who's with me?

I'm going to go home, bow down in front of Doris, and give thanks for her

defunct reproductive system.

It's always the woman. The woman has to have the baby. The woman has to balance

her career and her child.

If men had babies, maternity leave would be in the Bill of Rights.

You know, you do have a point there, Corky.

But... We don't have babies, do we?

Thank

you,

thank you, thank you.

Well, it's a small group, but I'm sure it's an appreciative one.

Great story.

Vintage Murphy Brown.

Able to pitch my story, another career winner, but my son is healthy, fed, and

he even helped me by doubling as a paperweight.

Well, at the risk of inflating your ego further, I admit you pulled it off.

Good. And now that I've proved it, if I ever try it again, I want you to cram me

in a stroller and shove me in front of a bus.

Why don't you do us all a favor? Take tomorrow morning off and find a new

It's a promise, Miles.

You know, I've got to tell you, it was a little scary coming in here today. I

guess I felt I had a lot to prove to myself.

But it felt right being back here again.

Yep, I'm going to be okay.

See you tomorrow, Miles.

Oh,

Kirk.

I would have remembered him at some point.

Thank you.