Original subtitles

All right, coming out of commercial in one and a half, people.

Oh, and as we finish our last show of the season, let me remind everyone,

made it to the end. And in honor of that, I have souvenir

T -shirts available for $6 .95.

Murph, I just want you to know that I was pulling for you. Oh, come on, Frank.

You bet a hundred bucks my water would break by May Day.

People, I'd like to say something.

When Murphy first announced she was pregnant, I expressed certain doubts

how it would affect her work.

I now admit I was wrong.

And so... Yes, Miles?

And so... Blue moon,

you saw me standing...

his right to do business versus the public health. Joining Murphy Brown is

Marshall, senior legal counsel to the H .R. Richards Company.

Murphy? Thank you, Jim.

Mr. Marshall, your company is facing numerous lawsuits brought by cigarette

smokers. With what we now know about the health problems of smoking, how can you

claim to have no liability?

Ms. Brown, let me remind you and your viewers that a cigarette package carries

very clear warning label.

Uh -huh.

Well, yes, but many of these smokers became addicted before that warning

was required by law.

A law which many people consider to be a watershed moment in...

Miss Brown, really, so far no one has been... Not to throw cold

water on your arguments, but really it just doesn't hold water.

Well, our research shows... Why don't you think about your answer for a while

while we listen to a word from our sponsors. Jim?

Yes?

F .Y .I. will return after this.

And we're into commercial.

Why? What's the matter with you people? My water broke.

This can't be happening. We're in the middle of a live show.

I say, Blue Moon. Here for you, little mama. Has anyone had emergency training?

Oh, God.

I need a cigarette. It would be my privilege to deliver your son right here

the floor where we first met.

I'll need the toolbox from my truck.

We're coming out of commercial.

Yes, and call Eldon. He's her Lamaze coach. Tell him to bring her bag.

My bag?

You don't have a backpack?

You know, I could use a little more support and a lot less nitpicking. Oh, I

don't think it's right.

Why, why, why yes?

Let's calm down, shall we?

There's no need to panic.

Now, you, you, the tall man, you drive Murphy to the hospital, right? As soon

you're finished, go to Murphy's and get what she needs.

Corky, your segment's up last. You'll close the show. I'll call Elvin and tell

him to get to the hospital.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it! I've never closed a show before! Did you hear that, Murphy?

I'm closing the show!

Jim, can I borrow your jacket, please?

Oh, certainly, Slugger. What do you think I should say, Murphy?

Any thoughts?

Any thoughts at all?

A little more, Jim.

Ah.

Did I mention you can keep the jacket?

That was the beginning of an incredible journey.

Your journey into the world.

I don't know how old you'll be when you see this, but you may want to fasten

your seatbelt. You're in for quite a ride.

This is Jim Dial.

Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jimmy.

Well, you'll come up with something.

Now, you see, that belt... I put around Miss Brown's waist is a fetal monitor.

Now, when a contraction begins, this line starts to curve upward, so you'll

actually be able to see one coming before she feels it. Truly amazing. Mm

Miss Brown, did you understand?

Miss Brown.

Wow, what a view!

Jim, look, the Jefferson Memorial.

Isn't that great? Now, when the baby's coming out, I can just lie back and

reflect on one of the architects of democracy. I have a question. Was this

upward curve you referred to? Oh.

Yes. You're going to have a contraction.

Oh, come on. You don't mean to tell me you could... Boy,

you're right. Are you all right, Slugger? I was merely to drive her to

hospital and drop her off. My preparation goes no further than drive

No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's funny. I spent a lot of time worrying about this moment, but now I

can handle it.

Well, if you need anything, just press this call button. I'll be here before

know it. I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Okay, it's over now.

Nothing to it.

You know, I see a deck of playing cards up on the bookshelf there. What do you

say we play a game of gin?

Now? You're having a baby and you want to play cards? This is all so civilized.

Gin! I guess you didn't realize I was collecting fours.

Well, enough cards.

How about some television?

I see nutrition with Nancy started a couple of minutes ago. She's going to

us what we can do with jello.

There's no use turning it on once it's started.

Oh, God.

Oh, jeez. So, how are you doing? Oh, just great.

Don't be surprised if you see my liver suddenly start to appear.

I'm just being sucked inside out. Take it easy, okay? Let's see how you're

coming. Feet up in the stirrups. Let's go. Come on, giddy up. Oh, goodness.

These parts are certainly in a great disarray. Why don't I return them to

proper numerical order?

Clubs? Two clubs?

Where's that damn three?

Why isn't my doctor here?

This baby's ready to come out, I'm telling you.

The head's out, isn't it? You look, Jim. I trust you.

I want you to listen to me. There's something very important to say to you.

Drive!

Why don't you wait a half hour? A lot of our mothers find they really don't need

them after all. In the meantime, you can take a walk in the hall. That could

really help move things along.

I made it. Any baby yet? No.

Where the hell have you been, Frank? Frank, have you seen Elder? No. I was at

your place packing.

Everything you're going to need.

Six pairs of pantyhose.

I know how much you get when you run out.

Your pink turtleneck.

Oh, yes, something to sleep in.

You know, you've got a lot of different kinds of bras, Murph, so I brought a

selection.

Your stapler.

Oh, you had this leftover chicken in the fridge. I thought it might go bad in a

day.

made sense at the time, okay? And at one point, I just started grabbing things.

Here's a bathing suit.

This is great.

What a coincidence.

I was just thinking how I wanted to put on all my underwear and staple

something.

I know.

I at least did one thing right, Murph. I brought your video camera so I can...

Oh, no. Get that thing out of here. There's no way... you're taking this. I

don't want bootleg copies of me spread out like a wishbone winding up in some

Republican fundraiser. You know, Murph, it occurred to me with Frank here, this

is the perfect time for me to run down to the gift shop and get some cigars.

Can't have a baby born without cigars. By the way, Slugger, I believe another

contraction is coming. Goodbye!

Good old Jim. What a character.

So, Murph, what is this?

Is this a contraction?

This looks like it really hurts.

Well, Murph, what does it feel like?

Trust me, Frank.

It hurts.

Hurts how?

Tightening? Stabbing? Shooting?

Anything? Look, remember that time when I reached out of my car to pick up the

newspaper when I was pulling into my driveway and I fell out and a car ran

my hand? That hurt a lot.

Is it that kind of pain?

Well, really, I want to understand.

I know I'm a man, but I want to experience this with you.

Frank. Yeah, boss?

I never did get to experience the pain only a woman can feel.

I did, however, get to experience the pain only a man can feel.

Take it from your Uncle Frankie.

Years from now, when your wife goes into labor and she gives you one of these,

don't fall for it.

Nick at Night presents Branch Out.

They kill you, Sparky.

This kid's never coming out.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sandwiches and sending them up to

him.

walking. The baby's going to fall out.

Oh, Miles, I'm so happy to see you. I was really frightened you were going to

miss the wonderful experience I've had the past four hours and 22 minutes

walking Murphy up and down the halls. But now it's your turn to share the joy.

I'll be down in the pharmacy renewing my prescription for birth control pills.

All right, Miles.

Let's move it, move it, move it. I want to get this kid out by my 50th birthday.

idea what do you mean he's always in my house how can i go through delivery

without my lamont's coach i called your house for hours but there was no answer

so finally i just drove over to leave him a note I heard your phone ringing. I

thought it might be him. So I broke one of the windows to let myself in. It may

have been in the emergency room.

Anyway, I guess the noise woke up old man Swenson in that store. And he

yelling that he had a gun and was going to shoot. I yelled, shut up, old man

Swenson. And then you would not believe what happened.

He started to shoot.

The man is standing there in his bathrobe and slippers, firing aimlessly

the night.

I started zigzagging through the yard. The whole time I'm thinking, it always

comes down to this, doesn't it? A crazy Gentile with a gun.

I'm an executive producer.

I'll just executive produce this baby.

Don't I always take care of everything?

Like the captain of a ship.

The pilot of a plane.

She just

heard how much they charge for hot...

It isn't easy giving birth, I've been told.

I guess it wasn't easy from your point of view either because you didn't seem

want to come out.

But I want you to know your mother was very brave.

She behaved as best she could under the circumstances.

You son of a bitch!

mother may be restless or irritable maintain eye contact while providing

encouragement murph you're doing very well and it won't be much longer now

The nurse says you're at 10 centimeters. It's time to push.

Lamar's coach can stay. Everybody else out.

You know, every now and then you get a taste for

crab cakes.

So I drive to Maryland. Nothing takes the place of authentic. Remember that.

Now, when I get back, I notice there's a broken window.

I go inside.

Drawers are open. Things are strewn about.

And oddly, there's a trail of brassieres on the stairs, and the stapler's

missing.

Now, it takes me about half a day to file a police report. When I finally get

back to the house, I notice the phone machine.

You know where it says how many messages there are?

47.

Come on, Murphy.

You've got to focus. Take a deep breath and push.

I can't. I'm too tired.

I'm here. I'm here. What?

I was in Maryland.

The window was busted. And I don't want to worry you or nothing, but the good

stapler's missing.

It doesn't matter, Eldon.

I'm not doing this. I changed my mind. I don't want a baby. Let's go home now.

She's having a lot of trouble focusing. If she doesn't push, it could get

complicated. Oh.

Oh, see, I'm not really ready for this. I mean, I am ready, but this is the real

thing, the main event. I mean, if there's maybe a place where I could go

few seconds to maybe meditate.

I can only deal with one patient at a time.

If you can't help, I suggest you wait outside.

Come on, Murphy.

Push.

Just leave me alone.

I never should have tried to do this.

Just leave me here to die.

Okay, now.

Come on.

We can do this. Remember our training? I want you to focus.

I can't. Yes.

Yes, you can. I want you to tune out everything else and just listen to the

sound of my voice.

Chantilly lace.

Chantilly tail.

Chantilly tail.

Hanging down.

A wiggle in a walk and a giggle in a talk.

Keep breath.

Hold it.

And push.

Good, Murphy.

This time, try to push a little longer. Deep breaths. And one, two,

three, four, five, six.

You're watching FYI.

that it's hard to tell because you still got quite a gut there.

Hi, Murph.

Looking for some visitors?

Hi, guys.

I had a baby. Oh, we know.

Hi, Murphy.

Oh, gee, I can't believe you all stayed for the whole thing.

And Phil's here.

Hey there, Murphy.

It's not every day you have a baby, so I wanted to get you something special.

Here.

It's a house account at Phil's.

First one we've ever given out.

Oh, Phil.

And it's made out to Baby Brown.

And I put strained carrots on the menu.

Mostly for the baby, but some of the senior members of the Supreme Court have

been lobbying for it.

And he's going to want to be fed soon.

Fed? Oh, God, this is weird.

My body's making milk.

It's like one day suddenly you find you can get bacon out of your elbow.

Everyone, I think we should be going now.

It's time for Murphy to have some quiet time with the baby so they can start the

bonding process.

No, no, no, no.

Bye, Murphy.

You're dead good.

Listen.

You know that I don't have many heroes.

But this morning, at 5 .32 a .m., I found one.

You.

Sometimes you really surprise yourself with what you can do.

You know, I know that this is impossible, but he

seems to have my eyes.

Hey, hey.

I see a little fella.

Here you go.

Now, you buzz me if you need anything.

Oh, wait.

Are you going to go, too?

There's so many things I need to know.

Is he too young to watch television?

If he doesn't grow any teeth, is there a number I can call?

If I don't come up with a name for him in, say, a year, is that a very bad

thing? You're very funny.

She got a little hat.

Mother would have loved it.

While we're on the subject of mothers, I better warn you up front.

I'm not going to be like other mothers.

I don't cook or sew or make stuffed animals talk in funny voices.

But I promise...

That you won't have to wait until after the cake to open your birthday presents.

I'm going to make a lot of mistakes.

I'll try to keep it under 750.

Are we bonding yet?

I can't tell.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Damn, mistake number one.

Oh, I'm sorry. I swore now that's mistake number two.

Murph, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know you said no videos of the birth, but I've been putting the camera to use

the past couple of hours.

It's sort of a present we're working on for the baby.

And I was thinking if I could just get one more thing, it would be complete.

Oh, gee, Frank, I don't know. I'm such a mess.

Oh, no, Murph, you look great. Come on.

Send a message.

Just a few words to let the kid know who you are.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

And when my soul was in the lost and found

How you came along to claim it

I didn't know just what was wrong with me

Till your kiss helped me name it.

Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for.

And if I make you happy, I don't need to do more.

Because you make me feel.

What does that mean to you?

That means a lot. Look, we tapped into something. No, no, I'm sorry. The word

zeitgeist. Do you have any idea what it means?

Oh, no, no, no, no.