Original subtitles

So, due to the length of Murphy's interview, I think we should move

segment off and put Jim's commentary behind Corky's piece. How do you feel

that, Jimbo? Well, this is odd. I only have 11 french fries. You're kidding.

Look at those three. They aren't even full size.

That one right there is black on one end. I don't know what that means, but I

never eat those.

With a food burger, you normally get anywhere from 20 to 35 fries.

Not that I count my french fries. That would border on the eccentric.

Oh, 12.

There was one under my lettuce.

You know, this is why I hate working over lunch. Today, it's French fries.

Yesterday, we couldn't plan our special on immigration because Murphy's bun

didn't have sesame seeds on it. My, oh, I've been eating here since 1977.

Fifteen years of sesame seeds, and then one day, without warning, bang, bowl

buns.

Hey, guys, look at my napkin. It doesn't have filth printed on it. Oh, good

Lord. No wonder you're always hungry, Frank. Nothing ever makes it into your

mouth.

I think that there's a pattern developing here. A lot of things have

different. You know, there is only one colored chalk for the graffiti board in

the men's room.

I wouldn't have noticed, but I was drawing Bush at the Japanese banquet,

needed green for his face.

Anyone here for dessert?

Nope, just a check, Phil. Hey, uh, Phil, you know, I noticed your napkins don't

have your name printed on them.

Oh, well, the supplier got my order mixed up and sent me 200 that said...

Happy 50th anniversary, Butch and Queenie. So I sent them back.

Give me that, Frank. You guys go ahead. I'll catch up. Murphy's going to pay the

bill? Don't question it. Just get out before she changes her mind.

Phil, you got a second?

Oh, Murphy.

You're not going to hound me about that sesame seed thing again, are you?

I told you yesterday it was some kind of mutant bun.

I don't know how it got in there.

I'm over that, Phil.

But I know you pretty well, and I can tell when something's bothering you.

Nothing's bothering me. Happy anniversary, Butch and Queenie, which I

know are the names of your two Irish setters.

Okay, Murphy.

No sense in trying to fool a good reporter.

I'm cutting back on a few things around here because money's a little tight.

Gee, Phil, I had no idea.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, sure.

You can pull George Bush's head out of the sand, and if he still can't see the

recession, you can kick his butt all the way back to Texas.

It's hitting me pretty hard, Murphy.

Cutting corners is about the only way I can keep my head above water.

Have you thought about a loan, Phil? You know, just to get you over the rough

period. Oh, sure.

The bank hears the word restaurant, and it's all over.

I might as well ask them to lend me money to buy Chrysler stock.

You know, Phil, I've been saving money in an account for a rainy day.

It can be your rain just as well as mine.

Oh, Murphy, that's awful nice.

But I couldn't do that.

Phil's just pulled through tough times before.

Prohibition, the Great Depression, 1989 when John Sununu went on a diet.

Thanks for the offer, but it'll work out all right.

Are you sure, Phil? I'm sure.

And, Murphy?

I want to keep this just between you and me, okay?

You have my word.

And, Phil, remember, I'm here if you need me.

Murphy? Yes, sir?

Would you mind paying your check?

I am sitting on two great stories for the pitch meeting, but I don't know

one to hit Miles with first. If someone confided in you that they had a problem,

and you gave your word not to tell anyone, but it was the kind of thing

other people knowing, maybe something could be done about it, what'd you do?

God, Corky's getting divorced, isn't she? Frank, this has nothing to do with

Corky. It's Jim. He's sick. I thought he looked thin. Will you stop jumping to

conclusions and answer my question?

Miles is being fired? Frank!

Is it me, Murph? Geez, Frank, are you sure three days a week of therapy are

enough for you?

Look, Frank, if I tell you this, you've got to give me your word not to tell a

soul. I mean it, Frank. This is important. I gave my word. And I give

I promise. I swear in my mother's eyes.

I'm not sure what that means. I saw it in an old Tony Curtis movie.

Okay.

It's Phil.

He's dying.

Oh, gee, Frank, will you just shut up and listen?

He's having financial problems. That's the reason for all the changes.

And if things don't turn around, he may not be able to keep the place open.

I don't believe it.

Phil's is like my second home.

If it had a washer -dryer, it'd be my first home.

Story meeting time.

What's wrong, Frank? TV guide call you Fred Fontana again?

Let's go, people.

Remember, Frank, not a word. I know, I know. Okay, let's get moving.

Frank, earlier you said you had two hot stories. Is that right?

I did, but, uh... What if we were to do a story on how the recession is

affecting small businesses?

Frank! You're not pitching that old chestnut, are you? 60 Minutes already

piece on it. What else have you got?

Could you give the man more than one sentence, Murphy?

Go ahead, Frank.

Well, I'm not just talking about any small businesses. I was thinking about

ones that have been in existence for years.

Over 50 years. Even...

Even 60 or 70. Don't go there, Frank.

And what about the people who patronize these places on a day -to -day basis?

What about them? To them, these aren't just stores or neighborhood bars.

home and family. I can't believe you, Frank. You hold on to a secret for about

two minutes, and then you've got to tell the world Phil's is going under. I

should have known better than to tell you.

What's wrong with you? Are you crazy? I wasn't going to mention Phil's name.

Well, you might as well have everybody know who you were talking about.

God. So much for your mother's eyes, Frank. I can see her right now in

stumbling into the bingo table.

Frank.

Enough.

Now, is this true?

Still actually going out of business?

He may be forced to if things don't turn around.

I offered to give him money, but he wouldn't take it. You know how proud he

Indeed. Frankly, I'm surprised he'd even tell you this. He told it to me in

complete confidence. That's why no one can repeat what Frank told you. What I

told him? Frank won it. So, do I have your word on this?

Yeah, of course.

This is so hard to believe. Phil's is an institution.

Think of all the information that's been passed from barstool to barstool in

that old watering hole.

What if we gave Phil a benefit?

You know, like farm aid. We could call it Phil Aid.

Corky, I told Phil I wouldn't tell anyone.

Don't you think he's going to suspect something if Sting and Naomi Judd walk

into the bar?

You know, I don't mean to be the voice of doom here, but how can we help Phil

he won't take any money and we're not supposed to know anything about this?

Miles is right.

I don't think we have any choice but to just wait this out and see what happens.

Who knows?

Maybe the economy will turn around soon and everything will be okay.

Oh, God, I'm a Republican.

Whoa. Did you look at this place?

I haven't seen a crowd like this since Jan Murray came to our temple.

I can't believe it.

It's a miracle.

It's not a miracle.

It's a disaster.

I made a few calls to some of Phil's friends, but they weren't all supposed

show up on the same day. I told the A through Ls to come today and the M

Zs to come on Wednesday.

Look, there's Helen Thomas.

What's the matter, Helen? You can't spell?

Nice going, Murphy.

Phil's going to hate this, and it's only a matter of time before he traces it

back to you.

I don't see what the problem is.

This is wonderful.

As a matter of fact, I think you should march right over to Phil and take credit

for this very sweet thing you've done.

Murphy Brown?

I want to talk to you.

Fly like a rug.

Hi,

Phil. Hey, nice shirt.

You leaked it, didn't you, Murphy?

Leaked it?

That'll be you.

You're the only one I told.

How could you do this to me, Murphy?

You gave me your word.

Now, Phil, let's keep in mind that Murphy had nothing but good intentions.

And you know what they say.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

probably a better adage than that. Let's go over there, Corky, and think of one.

You gave me your word.

You got any idea how embarrassing this is?

Jean Kirkpatrick gave me a $50 bill, set it for interest on a quarter she

borrowed in 1965.

Didn't he know her in 1965?

Felt like some cheap boy toy.

of love and support.

It's like that movie It's a Wonderful Life. Sure, it's a sappy, over

-sentimental film, and nobody believes Uncle Billy could have been that stupid,

but isn't it great to know you have so many friends?

It's humiliating.

I'm a damned charity case.

In half the guidebooks of this city, I'm known as Phil, colorful and respected

Washington barkeep and raconteur.

In one day, you've turned me into Phil, loser.

Okay, Phil, I made a mistake.

I owe you an apology.

I'd forgive a lot of things, Murphy.

But this is too much.

I trusted you.

I think you should leave.

I mean it.

I don't want to see you in here anymore.

Excuse me.

Have your attention, please.

Quiet down.

Seems there's a rumor floating around that, uh...

I'm having trouble making ends meet.

Well, that rumor started as some kind of a joke, and I want to put an end to it

right now.

It's going to take a hell of a lot more than a recession to knock old Phil out

of the box.

And to prove it, we're all my friends.

And you know who you are.

Drinks are on now.

Did you see the pathetic way Murphy was staring at us as we left the office?

She reminded me of one of those dogs who's tied to a long rope.

They want to go with you and they start to run, but then they reach the end of

the rope and it snaps their little head around.

That's what she reminded me of.

A poor little dog has been jerked by the neck too many times.

It's quite an infamous distinction being banned from Phil's.

To my knowledge, only two others before Murphy have met that fate.

Joe McCarthy.

And more understandably, Regis Philbin.

Here's your cup of tea, Corky.

Look!

It's her!

I can't stay.

Frank, this call came for you at the office. I thought it might be important.

Pretend this is important. Oh!

Yes, this is a very important call.

Very urgent. Thank you, Murphy.

So urgent, Frank. Why aren't you returning it?

Nice improv, Frank. Robin Williams has nothing to worry about.

Oh, hi, Phil. What's new?

I've got nothing to say to you, Murphy.

You don't have to say anything, Phil.

Just listen.

It was a pushy thing that I did.

The sort of pushy thing a certain bartender might have done a few years

a friend of his needed help.

telling her she was a drunk and refusing to serve her in front of the entire

bar.

I was humiliated, too.

Not that I remember being humiliated. I was pretty out of it at the time, but

I'm told that I was.

And that I was wearing a tray of olives on my head.

Cocktail onions.

Oh.

Phil, the first few days at Betty Ford, I was so mad at you, it was all I could

think about.

By day five,

I began to understand why you did it.

By day 17, I was grateful.

Still, it's day 5.

Isn't there some way we can put this behind us and start over again?

Hey there, stranger.

Welcome to Phil's.

What can I get you?

Thank you, Phil.

Thanks.

You know, there is a way I could help put this mess behind us.

Reconsider my offer.

Accept my personal loan.

I don't like taking money from people. It gets too complicated.

What's complicated about one friend helping another?

It'd be a loan on a handshake. No pressure.

I don't know.

Look, Phil, I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do.

But imagine your life without this place.

Sitting around the house, day after day, just you and Phyllis.

Phyllis and you, day after day.

Let me get this straight.

I could have the money today?

Gee,

I was hoping business would have picked up a little by today.

Patience, Murphy.

You only loaned Phil the money three days ago. You can't expect miracles

overnight in the restaurant business.

Unless you're that diner in Roanoke that had the image of the Blessed Mother in

their pie carousel.

Jim, I thought we'd sit over here today.

Why would we do that?

Well, there's just the two of us. There's no sense wasting a big table.

It's better for Phil.

Oh, all right.

It's odd sitting at another table after all these years.

Different perspective entirely.

So close to the door.

So, what are you having? The fruit plate.

Geez, Jim. Are you going to go to your grave with every quarter you've ever

earned? The man is drowning in debt.

You're having the surf and turf.

Hey there, Jim.

Murphy. Hey, Phil. Did you have a chance to read the article I gave you?

Which one?

Salad bars put green in your pocket or the early bird special catches the worm?

Either or both.

To tell you the truth, Murphy, I've been a little busy.

I'm sure I'll get to it tonight.

Well, when you do, save a little time for going over these.

They're sketches for putting in a takeout window.

I had Steve in the art department whip them up for me.

What a job he did.

Look. He even drew me in there.

Waving from inside.

Wearing a paper hat.

I don't need an answer right now. Think it over. In the meantime, Jim will have

the surf and turf.

and I will have a small fruit plate.

Are you sure you want the surfing turf, Jim?

You haven't ordered that in the 15 years I've known you. What can I tell you,

Bill? I'll just be buried in the cheaper casket.

I'll be right back with your biff.

I feel like I'm driving a bus.

Just hold that thought, Jim.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice that you put three packets of artificial sweetener in

your coffee. I was just wondering, would it be possible for you to put in one

packet, stir and taste, and then, if you deem it necessary, put in another?

These go for nine cents apiece.

Fine. Get a rat's disease.

Eldon, you made it.

Phil, you remember Eldon? Hey there.

How you doing?

You know, Phil, Ellen and I were talking last night, and we thought it might be

a good idea to have an artist here doing caricatures. We thought it might spark

business and maybe attract new customers.

You mean he'd go from table to table drawing funny pictures of my customers

while they're trying to eat? Yeah, I was hesitant at first, seeing as how my

creative impulses rarely run towards folk art.

And then I thought, what better way to pay homage to the tragic plight of the

independent businessman?

And it sure beats some chick going around with a basket of roses making

feel cheap if they don't buy one of five bucks a pop. Oh, that irritates me.

Elvin, that couple looks like they have some disposable income. Why don't you

start with them?

I don't know, Murphy.

I got a real pet peeve about stuff like this. People don't... like to be

distracted while they're eating. Phil, you're the restaurant man. It's your

call. Whatever you decide, I'm fine with it either way. I'd really rather not.

Okay, fine.

Let's just give it an hour. If after that you feel it's not working, Eldon

pack up his pastels and go home. What do you say to that?

The way you're helping me out, how can I say no?

I must admit, I've always been confused by the popularity of an art form such as

this. What you do...

is find the most obvious feature on a person and exaggerate it.

In your case, that would be your nose.

Okay? Then you always give them a real little body and ask them if they have

hobbies.

Well, Alan, do you?

Backgammon. Not visual enough. How about fishing? Okay.

I'm going to draw in a poll and have you hook your own nose.

How's it going?

You tell me.

So, you're a fisherman.

Why is he catching a zeppelin?

I'll have to sit here and take this.

Get out of here, Pam.

Is there a problem here, folks? He's drawing unflattering pictures.

These aren't caricatures. Where's your sense of humor?

Surely you couldn't go through life with a forehead like that and not have one.

Whoa. Look at the ears on that guy.

Who needs them, Phil? Look at this. Two lousy fruit plates.

Murphy, honey.

Yeah, Phil.

Would you mind if I made a little suggestion?

Of course not. Name it.

Get out.

What? You're driving away my customers.

I don't work with a partner, Murphy. I never have.

And if I ever do, it won't be with one who wants to wrap up the leftovers in

little foil swans.

It doesn't have to be a swan.

It's just that they take less foil than, say, a giraffe.

I'm buying out, Murphy.

As much as I can afford.

I'll give you the rest when I can swing it.

Okay, okay.

I went a little too far. But I can control myself. Keep the money, Phil. I

open my mouth again. No.

Forget about the articles. Forget about the salad bar.

No.

Forget about the takeout window. Although, feel free to keep the drawings

want to. Oh, God, you're right.

I don't know about as good for the restaurant business as a botulism scare.

Thanks, Murphy.

We gave it a shot.

But I guess there's only one thing left to do.

We're hoping it wouldn't come to this.

Phil, you can't sell the place.

Oh, no, not that.

I'm gonna have to raise prices.

That's it?

That's all you have to do?

Why didn't you just do that in the first place?

It's not that easy.

Phil's has always prided itself on giving its customers a fair meal at a

price. I don't know if they'll be willing to pay a little extra.

This may be the end of the line.

Here you go, Phil.

Oh!

I believe you ordered from one of the old menus.

There's been a slight increase in prices.

The Phil Burger is no longer $3 .50, it's $4 .75.

I hope that's not a problem.

Are you kidding?

$4 .75, it's still the best deal in town.

I'm sorry.

Did I say $4 .75? I meant $5 .75.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's the matter with me.

Did I say $5 .75?

Yes, you did. That's the price. Here it is.

$5 .75 for Philburg.

Phil? I have to get back to the office. How much do I owe you for the surf and

turf? Aw, gee, Jim.

I believe you ordered from one of the old menus.

You might want to stick around, Murphy. I may be able to pay you the rest of

that loan in a minute.

Coming up... What would you say to a full -color commemorative family

We'd say that sounds like a premise for an episode of Roseanne, or the open to

family ties.

Stay tuned to Roseanne to find out which one it is next on Nick at Night.