Original subtitles

So in love that I could be, cause a pretty face got the best of me.

But at least you came into my life, and gave it meaning and pure

delight. Now the look I've learned to do without, cause now I know it's

love that really counts. Cause I know that, I know that it's love.

Old MacDonald, Elsie wants to talk to you.

Can you believe that?

Okay, I know I've gained a few pounds, but I think I'm carrying them pretty

well. I don't know why people are looking at me like I violated some local

zoning law.

Let's order lunch.

Murphy, perhaps we shouldn't be thinking about food so much. After all, when we

got pregnant, we were only supposed to gain 30 pounds. I don't think they meant

per limb.

You know, Murph...

I had a one -gallon bucket of cheap popcorn in my office.

I opened it up yesterday, and somebody had sucked it clean.

Why don't you just come right out and say it? I'm a hoover. I'm huge. And

wherever I walk, a great shadow falls upon the lands.

That's certainly not the case, Slugger. We're just concerned you may be a little

out of... concerned that you might be letting yourself... that you... Hell,

what's a polite way to say your thighs are starting to make noise when you

of the way I look. This is motherhood in all its splendor and glory.

I'm a miracle of nature.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I think there's a raisin bagel in my file

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my... Good morning, Miss Brown. I'm Jane

Sokol, your new secretary.

Oh, this is your first, isn't it? I had my baby four years ago, but I remember

it like it was yesterday.

Ouch.

So, Jane, I'm working on an extremely important interview with Boris Yeltsin

tomorrow night. And just out of curiosity, what did you mean when you

ouch? Oh, you don't want to know.

I was in labor for 37 hours.

Over a day and a half of the most horrible, unbelievable pain I've ever

my life.

And I was pinned under a bus once, so I know pain.

They had to tie me down to the table after I kicked my obstetrician in the

windpipe. My husband took a video. It's just hour after hour of me begging to be

killed.

You're fired.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Morning, Murphy. And how are you feeling today?

Miles, how long before cream cheese goes bad?

Maybe I can scrape it off.

Don't want to interrupt. Know you're working on your Yeltsin thing. Boy, are

proud of you for landing that.

Speaking of tonight's show, we're going to have you do the interview from behind

the anchor desk. Well, got to go. Get your little tweed self back in here,

Miles.

I don't really have to come in, Murphy. This is more of a stick -your -head -in

-the -door kind of conversation.

If you don't come in, it'll be more of a slam -your -head -in -the -door kind of

conversation.

Okay, Miles.

Why am I doing the interview behind the desk?

It's just a temporary thing, Murphy. The network thinks it'll be a more

comfortable arrangement between you and the audience.

The network thinks. Now, there's an oxymoron if ever I do.

I know what this is about.

They think I'm fat, don't they?

They think rope should be tied to my ankle so I could float next to

in the Macy's parade.

Well, fine.

They're entitled to their opinion, but as far as I'm concerned, my weight is

nobody's business but my own.

Just so you know, I went to bat for you on this. I told them it was ridiculous.

I mean, even if we put you behind a desk, they're still going to see those

upper arms.

I don't think that's exactly how I worded it.

Oh, this is too perfect. Instead of worrying about better election coverage,

great minds at the network are busy trying to hide jumbo behind a desk.

Face it, Murphy, the network cares about how their reporters look. That's why

they have things like that appearance clause in your contract.

What appearance clause? What are you talking about?

It's a standard clause for on -air talent that says you can't drastically

your appearance without the approval of the network. I cannot believe that after

15 years with this network, I would be subjected to something as...

As humiliating, as degrading, as ridiculous as an appearance clause.

Murphy, could you maybe limit your anger to one topic per day?

The anchor desk, the appearance clause, people at the cash machines who forget

their secret codes. Pick one. Oh, don't worry, Miles. This stupid clause has my

full attention.

Come on, we're going upstairs and talk to Gene Kinsella about it right now.

Forget it. His secretary says he's in top -level meetings all day. I called

twice this morning to talk about a budget problem. He couldn't even come to

phone. Fine, I'll just go by myself. I'm sure your name won't come up more than

seven or eight times.

Good morning, Louise.

I'd like to speak with Gene for a minute, please. He said he didn't want

disturbed, but I'll check.

Of course. Have her check.

Why miss an opportunity to put poor Louise in an awkward position? If he

talk to me about the budget, he certainly doesn't have time to talk. All

and Murphy.

Good morning, Brownie.

I'd get down, but we're right in the middle of my cups, you understand.

Silverberg? I guess you didn't get my message, Mr. Kinsella. I was told you

in top -level meetings all day.

What a surprise to see you standing on a little box.

Well, there's a lesson to be learned here, Silverberg. It can't all be work,

work, work.

Panther yourself every now and then, isn't that right, Leon? I'm working with

things here. Stop moving so much.

So what can I do for you, Brownie?

Gene, Miles and I were having a little chat, and he happened to mention

something about an appearance clause in my contract. Right, it's a standard

clause. What's the problem? Arms out.

The problem is that I find it slightly demeaning. I mean, to say that I can't

change my hair color or get a nose job or dress differently without your

permission implies that how I look has something to do with how I do my job.

I think that's a little silly, don't you? Well, Brownie, no, that clause is

a formality.

A protection against any of our on -camera people letting themselves go to

Now, we both know that's never going to apply to you. You're a beautiful woman.

Large, but beautiful.

Thank you, Gene. So remove the claws.

I can't do that.

Oh, Leon, a pin. I warned you, didn't I?

Let's take a break.

If I could just interject, Mr. Kinsella. Murphy.

Personally, in principle, I agree with Murphy that the claws shouldn't be

necessary. However, she did sign the contract, so any changes would probably

best be dealt with in future negotiations.

I know this might sound like a mere recapitulation of the problem at hand,

listening to myself, I realize that's exactly what I've done.

But perhaps in some small way, I've clarified the situation for all parties

concerned. I think I'm done.

Where'd you get that jacket? Excuse me? It doesn't hang right. I saw it when you

came in. Get on the box, I'll fix it.

That's okay. I have it, Taylor. You're a liar. Stand still.

Gene. You can't honestly tell me you believe that a journalist's appearance

anything to do with their competency?

Well, of course not. But face the facts. The news is ugly.

Hearing it from an attractive person is the only thing that makes it tolerable.

Can you imagine ugly people doing the news? Why, our suicide rate would jump

beyond Sweden's.

Crazy me.

And to think that all this time I thought you'd kept me around for the

years because I was a good reporter.

Brownie, you're a fantastic reporter.

But it's all part of the package.

Look, a lot of people watch FYI because it's a hard -hitting news program.

And whether you like it or not, a lot of people watch because Murphy Brown is a

sexy woman with blonde hair and terrific legs.

But let's ask the great recapitulator.

Do you ever notice Murphy's legs?

Ah, well, interesting question.

I am, of course, aware of the fact that she does have legs.

But as to whether or not I would actually be able to say...

Picked them out of a lineup. Well, that's a different story. If you keep

sweating like this, you're going to ruin the lining.

Brownie, look at it from my perspective. This is the news business.

If we lose a single rating point, why, we're looking at millions of dollars in

lost revenue.

Gene, I'm going to ask you one more time.

Are you going to remove the cause?

No.

So let me understand this.

Are you saying no?

Give it up, Murphy.

Fine. You're so interested in my legs, you can watch them carry me out of the

room.

You got a lover, right?

Take off the pants. They'll be ready Friday.

I understand why Murphy's upset. I didn't know about this appearance clause

either. What is it with you people? Am I the only one around here who reads

their contract?

Oh, yeah. It's on my reading list. I'm going to get to it as soon as I finish

the Magna Carta.

Wait. My daddy gave me two pieces of advice.

Never sign anything without reading it first, and never dance with a sharp

object in your mouth.

His cousin Lila fell while square dancing with a cherry sucker, and it

off her uvula.

Made a big impression on him.

Did you see how ticked off Murphy was when she came out of Kinsella's office

yesterday? It's been a while. Murphy all worked up, fighting against the

establishment. I know what it's like when she gets that way.

I'm going to Canada for a while. Who's coming with me?

Can you believe it?

I don't know.

I was angry yesterday, and you know what they say. Never operate heavy machinery

or get a haircut when you're angry.

Please tell me you don't think it looks terrible. What do you think?

It makes your head look so small.

Well, this certainly is very different.

What would they call that?

Hurt, perky, frightening.

Murphy, I didn't mean that last one.

Frank, what do you think? Be honest.

You look like John Candy.

Morning, everyone.

Jim, Frank, Corky.

You!

Hair! Gone!

I know.

Jim said he thought it was perky. Didn't you say perky, Jim? How could you do

this? Fine. Get a little trim. But this?

Custer had more hair. the end.

You don't like it. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you that impression.

When are you going to fly away and join the other Lost Boys?

Come on, everyone. My career is dead.

But maybe if we believe and clap our hands together real hard, it'll come

to life.

Okay. I made a mistake.

I went to a new place yesterday, and they talked me into something I

have done.

I knew I was in trouble when I saw that sign over the cash register that said,

Servicemen Welcome.

Oh, she is so innocent.

I know what you're up to, Murphy.

This isn't a girlish whim. This is you punishing me for that appearance clause.

Miles, is that the kind of person you think I am?

Oh, God.

I wonder if Kinsella's hurt.

Maybe he won't find out.

Maybe he'll forget to watch the show for the next two or three months, and by

that time, you'll be thin and hairy again.

I think he's probably heard by now. It's a funny thing. I spent a lot of time in

the lobby this morning walking back and forth in front of the newsstand. You

know where all those corporate guys who work next to Kinsella's office stop to

buy the morning paper?

Yep, back and forth.

Back and forth.

My lungs are filling with fluid.

Hi, Miss Brown.

Very practical haircut.

Long hair just gets knotted up during delivery.

It's from all the writhing.

Mr. Kinsella's on line one. He says it's urgent.

Morning, Jean. How are the... What's that?

Oh, yes, it's true.

Well, it is short.

How short?

Jim said it was perky.

Fine. And will you want to see Miles, too?

I thought you would.

I don't believe this. It's so short.

It's shorter than short.

Wow.

Well, Gene, I decided that with the baby coming, I could use an easy -to -care

-for hairstyle.

You know, Mr. Gantella, I think we've all had the experience of looking a

funny after a haircut.

Who among us hasn't gone home, looked in the mirror, and said, darn, they took

too much off the top?

This is a temporary thing. It's not a tragedy.

Not that losing one's hair is a tragedy. No, not by any means. What a lovely

photo of Mrs. Kinsella.

Brownie, do you honestly think I'm going to accept this as a slip of the

scissors? We all know what's going on here. This was an act of defiance, pure

and simple. And one of my better ones, if I do say so.

But now that it's done, Jean, don't you think you're overreacting? The people

who watch don't care if I change my hair. You'll see after tonight's show.

George, what do you think? How badly can this hurt us?

Well, Gene, the numbers speak for themselves.

When audiences were asked what quality they admired about Murphy Brown, 62 % of

the urban males 18 to 35 listed her trademark mane of air at or near the

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are in for a ratings disaster worse than the Jane

home perm fiasco of 1984.

Gene, I'm dying.

You might as well put a plastic bag over my head and tie it with a twisty.

I battle every day to sell airtime during a recession.

Do you know which advertisers I've lined up for tonight's show?

A shampoo, a hairspray.

They're going to take one look at Friar Tuck here and come after me with a rug.

I think we're all forgetting one very important thing here.

Mary Lou Retton.

She had short hair in America.

Loved her. Remember her, Mr. Kinsella?

Mary Lou.

America's Spitfire. Little cutie. Short hair. Perfect score.

Loved her.

There's a blatant and deliberate violation of the appearance clause.

not a court in this country that could look at that head and not find it in our

favor. Milt, come on. We're all in this together. Oh, you're in it, my friend.

You're in it deep. Gene, we could sue them both. I could prove shared

like that.

Milt. Milt.

Norm, can't your people do some sort of damage control on this?

Sure. It always falls to publicity to clean up the mess.

Okay, okay, there's got to be a way we can put a positive spin on this.

Less air, more news.

Murphy Brown, it's like getting the news from your brother.

None of this is helping. The woman goes on the air with a highly publicized

major interview in less than 12 hours.

Brownie, I don't know what the technical term is, but maybe you could, you know,

poof it?

Poof it?

Yeah, yeah, you know, poof it.

Okay, that's it. I've heard enough.

Gentlemen, I suggest you watch FYI tonight.

You're going to see what the rest of America sees. A compelling, thought

-provoking interview with Boris Yeltsin. And unless he shows up wearing

pigtails, I guarantee you nobody will be talking about hair tomorrow.

Oh. And gentlemen, if you still want to see some poofing, may I suggest you go

poof yourselves.

Hey, Murph. Hey, Frank, have you seen Miles? I

was wondering if he'd had any viewer response yet on last night's interview.

Oh, Murph, don't worry. You know, nobody wrote in when I stopped wearing my

toupee.

Of course, a few letters would have been nice.

You know, somebody noted, somebody was watching, that America isn't saying,

Honey, here comes the Fontana segment. Let's take the dog out to the curb.

Hi, Murphy.

Hello. Guys, hi. Have you seen Miles? I was wondering if he'd had any word about

last night's show.

No, but Entertainment Tonight, Newsweek, and Time all called looking for quotes

about your new hair.

Jim, you spoke to them? They've been hounding me all morning.

Leave it to the media to make a story out of a non -issue. I guarantee you,

average American viewer couldn't care less.

I'm sure you're right, Murphy, but I think you should know Glamour magazine

called. Next month, your head's going to be a glamour don't.

Miles, hi.

What's new? Not that anything has to be new. I just thought you'd like to know

we got 456 calls on your Yeltsin interview.

Yes, the American public comes through.

Uh -huh.

17 callers liked the interview.

43 thought you talked to too many foreigners.

And 396 called to register an opinion on your hair.

Oh.

Of course.

We all know what kind of crackpots use the phone. It's right there by the

easy to pick up and dial. I myself once called Dean Rust to ask him if his

refrigerator was... We also got over 100 telegrams.

Phone calls and telegrams, the classic tools of crackpots.

Sight for yourself.

Dear FYI.

I tune in the show to watch your intelligent stories.

I also like to see Murphy Brown's hair.

I enjoy spending many hours trying to get my hair to look like hers.

What do I do now? Put my head in a weed whacker?

This is Marion Dugan, Patterson, New Jersey.

Poor Mrs. Dugan. Imagine her pain.

Poor Mrs. Dugan.

prove that people have gone completely insane and their leader is Mrs. Marion

Dugan of Patterson, New Jersey.

There were a few other messages.

Hated the hair.

Walter Cronkite.

What were you thinking?

Diane Sawyer.

Love the new look.

John Candy.

Okay.

I give up.

People have spoken.

And you know what?

Deep down,

I always knew this is what they'd say. I just didn't want to believe it.

Oh, Murphy, I'm so torn.

I know that it's not fair that we get judged on our looks.

But I also know that if I had a face like the dog's dinner, I'd still be back

home handing out billy bars at the Dairy Queen.

I gotta tell you guys, I'm a little lost here. I've never been the kind of

person who cares about his appearance. Oh, what the fuck? You spend more time

the makeup chair than anyone.

I do not.

You do, too. You sneak in and fuck your eyebrows. We've all seen it.

I did it once and it flew back like horse hair.

Let's be honest here. We're all concerned about our looks.

Remember the Arthur Kent frenzy during the Gulf War?

Oh, yeah.

The scud stud.

You know, anybody can be sexy when they're standing on a roof with bombs

off around them.

Yes, well, rumors had him up for every job at the network. I bought some goop

take the gray out of my hair.

What stank to high heaven, and Dora said she could see herself in the back of my

head.

I'm using what's left to seal small cracks in my driveway.

I don't know what you're worrying about. It's what's easier for men to grow old

in this society. Oh, here it comes, the old double standard.

Well, it's true.

You get distinguished. We get old. You know, Miles, you're lucky you're behind

the camera. You'll probably work forever.

Oh, really?

News shows have to stay on the cutting edge.

You think the network's going to listen to me when I'm an old codger of 35?

I already met this up -and -coming producer at the Today Show. He'd never

heard of the Go -Go's.

Little punk.

Probably has a Fisher -Price briefcase.

Older men journalists. But if you look around, there aren't any women over 60.

What happens?

When you turn 59, suddenly you get dragged off the air by the wrinkle

Well, there's always plastic surgery.

Oh, give me a break. Fine, be that way. but a lot of people in our business do

it. Men, too.

Oh, please, I never take that route.

Nip here, a tuck there.

Next thing you know, your face is so tight you look like you're flying on the

wing of a Concorde.

The thing that really kills me is that one day I may not be allowed to do my

because I look too old.

Boy, what a... I just wish there was something you could say to get people to

change their minds on this.

Ah, give it up, Murph. There's nothing you can do about it.

There's always something you can do, Frank.

Order me a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

Murph, you already ate.

Okay, make it a small order.

Hello, is this Mrs.

Marion Dugan of Patterson, New Jersey?

It is?