Original subtitles

I don't believe it, Murph. People are actually having a good time at one of

parties. Look at this. It's 8 .15 and everybody's still here. It's just you,

and Paul from accounting dancing by himself in the foyer.

Oh, it's inspired, isn't it? A one step closer to death party.

Where's the old birthday boy, anyway?

I don't know. Last time I saw him, he was upstairs on the phone. Oh, there he

is. Miles, get over here.

Hey. So, old buddy, how does it feel? The big milestone, the big trio.

That strange age where you stop listening to the stones and start

Murphy, if I have to fly to New York on the 5th, would you be able to get me a

cut of your Yeltsin piece on the 4th? Hey, man, it's a party. Your birthday.

the work away.

In a second. New York is driving me crazy over the budget. I'm trying to

schedule a meeting where we can... There he is. Mr.

Bur...

look at you, Miles?

Yep, you definitely look old.

In fact, you look like hell.

It's hard to believe you're only two years older than me, and it'll probably

somewhere in those two years until they find a cure for death.

Too bad.

Murphy, I have to use your phone again.

Again? Okay, one more call and that's it.

Oh, man, I know Amish people who party better than him.

Hey there, Murphy.

Phil, you made it. I was afraid you wouldn't get away from the bar.

We're saying goodbye to the Woodner kid, right? I wouldn't miss this for

anything. In fact, I brought a gift basket, especially for the occasion.

Oh, Phil, this is great.

A truss?

A can of prune juice?

Dentures? I want those back at the end of the night.

Phyllis' mother's staying with us, and she'll need them for breakfast.

So, Eldon, pretty great, huh? Bet you thought I couldn't do it, but I did,

didn't I? I gave the perfect party.

You've done some weird things since I've known you, but this is the topper.

There are three things in life you do not mock. The Pope, Frank Sinatra, and

death. You are now three for three.

I feel it is unsafe to stand next to you.

Oh, come on. Eldon, this party is the stuff legends are made of. Please get

from me. And the best part is just about to happen. Get away from me. Where the

hell is my...

Where's your dear departed boyfriend?

Have you seen him lately?

Yes, only seconds ago. I saw his cadaverous figure heading into the hall

with your cordless phone.

Okay, that's it. The gloves are off. I'll see you in a minute.

I can't let a primetime news show with such a fuss like that. We need every

penny in those travels.

I've had it. Drop the phone and come out with your hands up.

This is the Vice President of Business Affairs in New York.

FYI's entire travel budget depends on these negotiations.

I don't care.

Oh, really? Remember that next year when you try to get to Prague on a Greyhound

bus.

Two minutes and I'll be next.

Well, it's about time.

I'm looking for Miles Silverberg.

Hey, everybody. You know our old friend the Grim Reaper?

That's right. I just stopped by to throw Miles into the pit of eternal

suffering.

I would have been here sooner, but I spotted Sam Donaldson on the way over. I

couldn't resist having a little fun. I rolled down my window, pointed at him,

and said, April 11th, next year.

Everybody, may I have your attention, please?

It is now time to begin the eulogy. Will the mourners please gather round?

And will our gifts of honor, otherwise known as the stiff, please step forward?

Miles Silverberg, step forward.

back our satellite time. No, no, I'm wrapping it up, really. Go ahead and

without me.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to bid a fond farewell to

once young, once innocent, Myo Silverberg.

You're killing me here, Neil. You're killing me.

He tried to pretend it didn't mean anything.

But obviously the end was near when he wouldn't stop raving about that last Bob

Hope special.

What to say? Thanks for a great party.

All right, all right, all right.

You've all had your fun.

Now it's my turn.

I have a few choice words to say about our hostess.

In my chest.

Gee, I'm sorry, Murphy.

I was going to get Lawrence Olivier to come in and do it, but he's dead.

Like I'm going to be.

Will you just lie quietly, please? Promise me one thing, Murphy.

If they hook me up to a machine, do not let them unplug me.

I don't care if I waste out on nothing but a pair of glasses and an IV. I

mean... Will you just calm down? You're shredding the sheet.

Now, there's nothing to worry about.

Everyone here knows what they're doing. They're all professionals.

Oh, you're Miles Silverberg, is that correct?

Of course it's correct. Isn't it written there? What if he were unconscious and

couldn't answer? You'd probably be calling him Irene and wheeling him off

hysterectomy.

And I take it you're Murphy Brown. You betcha. And if anything happens to him,

anything at all, I'll have cameras in your face so fast it'll make your nine

iron spin.

And your name is?

Dr. Armstrong.

Oh, this is perfect. I have the only Gentile heart doctor in the entire

hospital.

I'm circumcised if it makes you feel any better.

Now, if everybody's finished, I have Mr.

Silverberg's test results.

Oh, God, here it comes.

After studying your EKG, blood workup, X -rays, vital signs... And the credit

limit on your MasterCard. My conclusion is that you did not have a heart attack.

I didn't?

What did I tell you, Miles?

The man is a genius.

What you do have is a hiatal hernia. Now, that occurs when a portion of the

stomach protrudes through an enlarged tear in the diaphragm, causes a backup

stomach acid, and the resulting pain is sometimes so severe it mimics a heart

attack. The more anxious the person becomes, the more intense the symptoms.

If you want my Cliff Notes version, you had gas and freaked.

Oh, oh, oh, wow.

I am so relieved.

Did you hear that, Murphy? I'm not going to die. That's right. You're not going

to die.

Yet. Yet? What does he mean, yet? What do you mean, yet? After making note of

your cholesterol level, blood pressure, and the fact that you asked to see the

ambulance driver's license before you got onto Gurney, I would ask to classify

you as an extreme risk candidate, a heart attack waiting to happen.

No. This isn't fair.

It's my birthday. I want a second opinion. Murphy, I saw someone with

pinned to his jacket. Go find him. Hurry.

Just wait a minute. Let's listen to what the doc here has to say. Now, it's not

hopeless. You can turn the odds around if you seriously reevaluate the way you

handle stress, diet, and lifestyle.

Now, I'm going to go get you a packet of information to help you, and I want to

see you in one week for a checkup and a stress test.

I'll be right back.

Miles, we'll all help you. You heard what he said? You can turn this thing

around. Are you ready to go? I'm making people nervous out there.

Hello, everyone.

How are you feeling, old man?

Not that I'm saying you're old. You're not.

You're young. I'm old.

I'm the one whose heart should have given out. Not that your heart did give

You have a hernia. My dog Trickster had a hernia. He got it chasing the gas man.

Someone pull the emergency breaker. Can't stop.

It's okay, Jim. The topic of heart attacks makes people nervous.

But I read all the literature over the weekend, and I learned that if I take

the right precautions, I can live a long and healthy life.

Good for you, Miles. We're so proud of you.

Look, they gave me this at the hospital. It's a stress card. You put your thumb

on it, and it changes color depending on the amount of stress you're feeling at

the time. Blue to black. Blue means you're stress -free.

What color are you, Miles?

So, let's get to work.

Business as usual. The name of the game is Future Story Ideas.

Okay, I'll start. As you all know, the New Hampshire primaries are coming up,

and I think I have a fresh angle on how to handle it. My cholesterol's 312.

Did you want to talk about that, Miles?

No. Go ahead. I was just standing here, and I thought it.

Next thing I know, I said it.

Yep. 3 -1 -2.

I'm a walking butter pack.

That's not why we're here. Please, go ahead.

Okay, as I was saying, the primaries are coming up, and I thought it would be

interesting... Somebody dies of heart disease every 32 seconds.

Maybe we should postpone the meeting till this afternoon.

I'm sorry. That has nothing to do with Murphy's story on the primaries. Go

ahead, Murphy.

To recap... I thought that I'd take a look at the campaign styles of the

candidates. The way each man uses the media says a lot about who he is. Murph,

think we have a conflict with my investigation of campaign funding

Well, there's no conflict, Frank. We'll just do your story another time. Oh,

man, you know, you always do this. Well, you're not going to get away with it

this time. Oh, nice attitude, Frank, putting your own ego ahead of the show.

don't we just let Miles decide?

Fine. Miles, which one of us should go ahead with our campaign piece?

Breathe.

Did you hear that? He said Murphy.

He did not!

Miles, this is your call.

Yeah, who's it going to be?

I've got to go.

Miles, are you all right?

Where are you going? I'll be in my office.

What about this story conflict?

Work it out amongst yourselves. Let me know what you decide. Miles, you're the

executive producer. It's your decision.

What if I weren't here? You'd have to work it out.

Pretend I'm dead.

We're going with the second cut.

But, Jim, you know I can't talk to Miles about it. He's locked himself in his

office and he won't come out. He's just sitting up there listening to relaxation

tapes and calculating his body fat.

I've had it covered for him. The secretarial pool wants to review their

payment. The network is waiting for a new promo spot. And two sponsors are

threatening to back out if we do that story on the church's opposition to sex

education.

Oh, Jim!

Columbia School of Journalism, but they were all booked up.

Well, good morning and welcome to Miles in Hiding, Day 7.

Here, Jim, I just need you to initial.

You don't have to read it. Just sign it like Miles always does. What is this,

Frank? Oh, it's just, uh, you know, I purchased order for some, you know, new

skis for my, uh, you know, uh, Olympic story.

Sorry, Frank, but I happen to know you already own a perfectly good pair of

skis. Oh, man.

You know, I wasn't... I'm going to say this. I don't think you have the right

say no. Oh, yes, I do, Frank. I'm in charge.

Great. Al Hagen in Armani suit.

Can you believe this? The videotape library hasn't approved any of my

for election footage. It seems no one here signed the paperwork.

No one? Is that supposed to mean me?

Am I to blame?

Good. Let's all blame Jim. Let's all just have one big blame Jim festival.

Blaming you, Jim? We all appreciate everything you've done.

Oh, geez, the bad donuts.

My jaw's permanently clenched. I have a shooting pain in my eye, and the top of

my head is about to blow off. Who needs this?

Thanks, John Murph. Another notch on your belt of death.

Me?

Okay, look. This is ridiculous.

There's only so much Jim can do.

I'm going to go up and talk to Miles.

Don't let her go, Jim. She'll kill him. That's not my problem. I don't work here

anymore.

Miles!

I can't stay. I'm on my way to the doctor for my checkup.

Completely stress -free. Let me go.

Miles, they're pressing matters to be decided. Issues that are starting to be

crucial for FYI. I need answers, man. All right.

One question, that's all. All right.

Where do you get the good donuts?

Reno's Bakery.

You asking the donut question?

There is no anxiety.

There is no stress.

You are relaxed.

You are floating down a river of light.

Excuse me, Miles.

I hate to interrupt when you're trying to lull yourself into a stupor, but you

have a visitor. Who is it? Murphy. What?

She's not supposed to be here. She's on my forbidden list, right below

Fettuccine Alfredo.

Now, Miles, aren't you being a trifle silly? I think a visitor would be nice.

Why don't we just let her pop in for a second? No popping. No popping.

She'll come in here and talk about work.

She'll make me tense.

I can't afford to be tense.

I won't talk about work, I promise.

Look, I even brought you a present. One of those paint -by -numbers sets. See?

Two bunnies on the farm. Isn't that relaxing?

Come in, Murphy. Please, sit down.

I went to the doctor this morning.

Baby's doing great.

Good, good.

how was your doctor's appointment fine fine well thanks for visiting bye oh

it miles i'm sorry but i cannot continue this charade any longer he's not fine

his condition's even worse his blood pressure's off the chart i know i called

the doctor miles I know you're scared, but I can't stand seeing you like this.

You're retreating from life.

There's a rumor going around the office that your toenails are two feet long.

I'm not retreating. I'm just taking some simple precautions. It's perfectly

normal. Oh, really?

And is it normal for someone to lie in bed on a beautiful Saturday afternoon

with a blood pressure device attached to his arm?

Audrey, what if I were naked?

Well, that would be a nice change.

Medical supplies catalogue. He circled an ad for a home defibrillator machine.

The Heart Start 1000.

Just early over breakfast, he asked me if I'd have any problem administering

electric shock.

The computer makes all the decisions. All she'd have to do is hold the

He's completely out of control.

He's so afraid of any physical exertion, he won't even touch me romantically.

He says he can't risk all that blood rushing away from the heart.

all the intimate details. Don't forget to mention my little monkey dance.

Did I do a little monkey dance?

Murphy, I'm at my wit's end. You talk to him. I'm going home.

Oh, I must hurry. The last bard from the Isle of the Dead leaves in five

minutes.

Murphy, I appreciate your coming over, but there's nothing you can do.

There's nothing anyone can do. That's not true, Miles. The doctor said you

flunked your test because you're too stressed out trying to avoid stress.

Nobody can avoid stress.

All you can do is just learn to manage it and release it.

I can't.

Then what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life in bed?

It's not such a bad place.

I've got a remote TV, a remote stereo, a remote phone, a remote VCR.

My final days will be happy ones.

I'll never see a bird or a flower.

I get the nature channel.

You'll never get to Phil's. It's crawling with bacon.

You'll never see the inside of Brooks Brothers again.

They're having a sale.

Don't do this.

30 % off all merchandise.

Oh, God.

Well, here we are.

Mecca. So, what do you feel like? Is it a blazer, slacks, or a shirt kind of a

day? Ooh, sweaters.

Take a look at these.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Cable knits galore and cashmere.

They're practically giving them away.

It's too fast, Murphy.

I can feel my heart beating faster. Maybe we should have started with belts.

Look, look at this. Pretty nice, huh?

Feel.

Eh, I've seen nicer.

That's not bad, but I'm not really into that whole V -neck thing.

You're right, you're right. You know your necklines.

But this, this definitely has that subtle Silverberg power look.

That is nice.

And it's my color.

I like it.

A smile.

Welcome back, Miles.

Now, let's just make sure we have the right size. That seems to be the only

medium. Let's try a small.

Here we go.

Let's just hold this up and see how it fits.

No, it's too small. I need the extra room in the shoulders. I think we should

with the medium. It's perfect.

Excuse me. I was looking at that.

I don't think so. It was lying on the table.

I know. I put it there so I could look at another sweater.

That's what I said. It was lying on the table.

But I saw it first. I was going to buy it.

Well, I guess you should have thought of that before you put it back on the

table.

Hey, Cal, where are you going with that? That's ours.

Murphy, please, don't make a scene. Go ahead, take the sweater. Miles, what are

you doing? He grabbed it right out from underneath your nose. You can't let him

get away with that. Yes, I can.

It's not important.

It's just the sweater.

I'm not going to get upset.

Miles, you are avoiding again.

Don't keep it bottled up. Go over there and say something.

No, really, I'm over it.

Let's go look at the blazers.

I'm looking for a new camel's hair jacket.

Oh, this is a nice one.

It would be perfect.

With that sweater.

Put it down for one second. One second. What kind of world is this when a man

needs an armed guard to shop?

Geez, Miles, you're all pink in the face.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

Come on, let's go. I'll take you home.

You're right.

I'm getting upset. Let's go.

out of this store now, I'll never come back. I can't run away anymore.

I have to learn how to deal with my stress.

Excuse me, sir. I'll speak with you for a minute.

Oh, no, not the sweater again.

I just thought it might be possible for two adults to find a civilized way to

handle our little problem.

You put the sweater down.

I picked it up.

There's nothing else to talk about.

fry could kill me. My heart could explode at any minute. I hope it does.

now. All over you.

That's my uncle's time before they were 50. My uncle Irv keeled over at his own

college graduation.

How do you like that? Made to come dead.

We're a sick family and I'm sicker than all of them. The one thing, the only

thing that could give me one iota of pleasure is that sweater.

That's my sweater. I want that sweater.

Get yourself some lithium, pal.

Okay, let's go. Moving along. Nothing to see. Don't block the stairs.

Show's over.

Nice scene, Miles.

Are you done or would you like to take some hostages?

How about that, Murphy?

I'm not dead.

I yelled, I screamed, and I'm not dead.

It's blue.

Normal. Stress -free.

I'm back.

What did I tell you, Miles?

You can't keep things bottled up.

Now let's go pay for that sweater before you send out the attack dogs.

Oh, and for future reference, I wouldn't go doing that very often. That's not

managing your stress.

That's a meltdown.

What's wrong? I strained my vocal cords.

I think I tore them.

I better go to the doctor. You never know where these things could lead.

I could lose my neck.