Original subtitles

Boy, the nerve of some people. You know what Carmelo, the parking attendant,

said to me?

He said, are you ready for this? He said, I'm looking round in the face.

Can you believe that? I mean, I know that my stomach is starting to pop, but

round in the face? What do you think, Jim?

I think you should ask Frank first. I'll be able to give you a better answer

after I hear his. Frank?

Well, Murph, I think your face is starting to look a little, you know,

wheel of cheese.

Very nice, Frank. Next you'll be telling me I should be headlining in the main

tank at SeaWorld.

You said you wanted to know what we thought.

Well, I lied. I'm a great big cheese -faced liar.

It's not fair.

The baby's in my stomach. Why should my face get fat?

This proves it.

God is definitely a man.

Hello, hello, hello.

Do we all know what day it is? Let me guess. It's some Louisiana holiday where

they let you marry someone who isn't a relative.

Murphy, fat people are supposed to be jolly.

Today is Humboldt Awards nomination day.

Winning two years ago helped me so much as a journalist.

And if I win again, I won't have to hear the word fluke come up nearly as much.

Humboldt nomination day, my least favorite day of the year next to my

exam.

No wonder both days I end up feeling the same way.

about, Frank. You've been nominated every year for the last ten years. And

year I've lost. This is how the Humboldt Committee gets their kick.

They're probably printing T -shirts. Frank Fontana now celebrating his second

decade of loserdom.

Jim, you host the awards banquet. Have you heard anything?

Actually, I no longer host the awards. They've given someone else a turn. Oh,

no, no, no. It's quite a relief, really. Who needs the extra work?

Although, I do wish they'd called before I started polishing my material.

Now no one will get to hear, for example, I took my young niece down to

carousel by the Smithsonian the other day and ran into a bit of a problem.

She wanted to ride the pink swan, but Dan Quayle wouldn't get off.

I don't know where I get it.

The awards committee has probably delivered the list of nominations to

now. You know his routine. He gets off the elevator and tries to make a big

announcement. I don't know why he bothers. It's so obvious. If he avoids

eye contact with you, you're not nominated.

Hey there, boys and girls.

Yes, it's a wonderful day in the neighborhood.

Do you know why? I hold the answer right here.

Good morning, Miles.

Gertie, hi.

I'm over here, Miles.

Can I get you a cup of coffee? No, no, that's okay.

Oh, God.

Hi, Miles.

Hello, Frank. I knew it. I knew it. I knew I'd be nominated. You can't lose

unless you're nominated.

Okay, something's going on here. Murphy? Yes. Okay, let's hear it. Who's my

competition? You know already?

When I find out who is leaking information from my office... Yeah,

without pay. Boil an oil. Let's hear the nomination.

Let's see.

Editing sports.

Here it is.

Individual achievement in broadcast news reporting.

The nominees are... Frank, me, not Corky. Who else?

There is no joy left in this job.

Leslie Stahl was nominated instead of me.

Why? Because she broke some scandal on black market babies in Romania?

How is that more interesting than my profile on Marvin Hamlisch?

She's going to act like... You know what?

I have had it with this stupid Humboldt. I am not going to the awards. If I want

to be rejected and humiliated, I'll visit my parents.

Very nice speech.

Did everyone notice the way he thanked his executive producer?

Just something to think about. People are looking at my dread, aren't they? I

swear, a little mosquito netting and a big zipper down the front and I could

sleep four in here.

Well, that little jacket thing is attractive.

It is not.

I'm only wearing it because the sales lady said my upper arms looked heavy.

First it's my face, now my upper arms. It's only a matter of time before I

completely block out the sun.

At least you look better than Leslie Stahl over there. She looks like someone

buttered her and rolled her in sequins.

I did it again.

What is happening to me?

Oh, who cares?

Hey, Leslie, put your coat on. You're blinding me.

I still can't figure out why they asked Harry Smith to host the awards.

Couldn't they just send a dentist from table to table to scrape our gums?

Put a picture on the cover of the program.

Never did that for me.

Well, I think I'll use old Harry's face as a coaster.

How do you like that, pretty boy?

I still can't believe Frank isn't showing up. I mean, who's going to

award for him if he wins?

That's it.

Nope. Thanks.

All set.

Do you have a ticket?

It's okay.

I'm supposed to be in there, but I'm probably going to stand out here for a

minutes and then I'll leave. You have to have a ticket.

I have a ticket. I just don't want to go in. Why?

It's a long story, really. Where's your ticket? Oh, man.

Before we present our next award, How about a big hand for the man who so

graciously stepped aside so that I could be at this podium tonight, Mr. Jim

Dial. Jim, stand up. Take a bow.

We're happy to see that this will end a lot of debate. We now know that, in

fact, Jim can bend at the waist.

here just this last week with my little boy, and I decided to take him over to

see the carousel.

He wanted to ride the purple ostrich, but Dan Quayle wouldn't get on.

Let's get down to the business at hand, shall we? The nominees for the Everett

M. Humboldt Award for Individual Achievement in Broadcast News Reporting

I need a ticket.

You're not listening to me. I don't want to go in. I just want to stand out here

and occasionally look inside.

Check it, please. This is ridiculous.

Look, I don't want to pull rank, but do you know who I am? Check it.

And the winner is...

Frank Fontana, FYI, death in Dade County.

I shrug this off and pretend it doesn't mean anything to me. It means a lot.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but I have a slight self -confidence

problem, coupled with a need to scrutinize every detail of my life until

hope of joy has been crushed.

Anyway, I really thank you, and I've got to thank the best team in the news

business, my good friend, Murphy Brown.

Frank. Welcome to the Winners Club, old pal.

Wow, look at all of that victory loot. That was always the best part about

winning. Free stuff you don't need from people you don't like. God, I hate that.

Actually, these presents are for you guys.

Just my way of saying thanks for all your support because I couldn't have

it without you. Well, thank you, Brian. He's so nice.

Ah, there he is. Get over here. I got a present for you, buddy.

Why, hello, everyone. It's me, Buddy. Buddy Silverman.

excitement of the moment. I'm really sorry.

Look, I got a present for you. Thank you so very much. Hope it isn't engraved.

Okay, people, let's get to work.

Murphy, you were going to give us an overview about your piece about the

transportation of hazardous chemicals?

Before you get started, I just want to put this out here so

you can all see it. Just a kind of reminder of what we can achieve if we

work at it.

Nice thought, Frank.

Go ahead, Murphy.

Right, well, now, as all of you know, a number of serious toxic spills have

occurred, and a lot of these have been in thickly populated residential areas.

Murphy, we stop. We stop? I would just like to make one comment on what I've

heard so far. Now, maybe I'm wrong, although after last night, I think I

better idea of what our peers respond to and reward.

I think you should lighten up on the gloom and doom stuff. You know, Frank, I

don't know how you can lighten up on toxic spills. Frank, the Washington Post

on line three.

Just mull it over.

I've got to do a quick interview with the Post. I've been getting calls all

morning. Do you mind, Miles? Well, actually... Hello, Frank Fontana.

Well, thanks a lot.

But, you know, what does it really come down to? Just two more words on the old

obituary, right?

I tell you, you know, it's very difficult for the average reporter,

to be until last night.

You're really kind to Frank. You've got a lot of work today. Tick, tick, tick.

Look, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got some people waiting for

Right. You got it.

Okay. So, where were we? Oh, right, right, right. We were fixing Murphy's

You know, Frank, I can think of something I'd like to see fixed.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from, but don't let last night's

disappointment keep you from accepting some valuable criticism.

Which reminds me, Jim, sometimes you don't ask me the right follow -up

after some of my pieces. I was thinking, if I gave you the questions before we

went on the air, it would make things cleaner and easier.

And a lot like Hollywood Squares.

Just a sec.

My agent is on line one. Kathleen Sullivan is on line two. Whoa, who do I

hold?

You guys gather the villagers. Make sure they have their pitchforks and their

torches. I'll call Baron Von Humboldt and tell him that the monster has

Frank, look at this memo you sent me. You're dropping... the story on the

at the fish cannery at Wisconsin and I'm supposed to finish it up?

Murphy, fish, Wisconsin. It's not a humble story.

Frank, I have my own work to do. I don't have time to pick up whatever you

decide to drop. Frank, Matt, we're with you, please.

Miles, if it's about the fish... Don't worry, no fish. Forget the fish.

I just came from the legal department.

They said they had something to show me.

They handed me this box.

Recognize it, Frank?

No. Well, then, let's just look inside, shall we?

Does this look familiar?

I don't believe it. It's here already.

What is that thing?

It's the Frank Fontana action figure.

My publicist got in touch with a Japanese toy manufacturer and sold him

idea. Oh, my God. I looked inside the box and there was a little you in there.

I almost had a heart attack.

If someone's going to shrink my anchor people, I want to be told.

Oh, wow. Look what you get with me.

There's my trench coat.

Oh, a little bulletproof vest.

A tuxedo for suave nights out after a hard day of investigative reporting.

You can't do this. Journalists aren't supposed to endorse products, much less

little versions of themselves.

With realistic arm motion for launching grenades.

Oh, wow.

Can I keep this?

This and the little beachwear ensemble.

There have to be limits.

First year an action figure, next year a sugar -coated breakfast cereal.

Great crispies. No, it's over.

Miles, I'm doing this. I'm doing this, and that is the end of the discussion.

Okay, Corky.

I looked at the rough cut of your visit to the Vatican.

I think we should cut the part where you ask the Pope how he gets his wife so

white. I liked it.

I didn't love it. I can only give it three humbles.

I'll try to live with the shame.

Excuse us, Mr.

Fontana. Yes?

I'm Mr.

Praskin. And I'm Mr. Shulamson. We're with the public accounting firm of

Markell, Kolodner, and Weiss. Can we speak with you privately?

No. No more interruptions, Frank. If you want to talk to your accountants, you

do it here and now and get it over with. We are not Mr.

Fontana's accountants. No, our firm was in charge of tabulating the votes for

the Humboldt Awards.

And you want an autograph, right?

You see, last month, one of the fellas in the office had just purchased a

multifunction calculator with a paperless printer.

Man, that puppy was built for action, huh?

And, well, our attentions were not where they should have been, and...

Well, we made an error in tabulating the votes.

And it won by even more than you thought?

I'm sorry,

Mr. Fontana, but you were given the award in error.

What does that mean?

Given the award in error?

I don't understand. What does that mean?

You didn't win.

What does that mean?

I didn't win?

Why?

It's funny. I've been working on the Humboldts for many years, and when I saw

your name at the top of the list, I thought to myself, this can't be right.

I don't know why I didn't go back and check the totals right then and there.

Just one moment.

Don't tell me you intend to strip him of his award. What about the man's

dignity? Right. So you made a mistake. No one has to know. Let him keep it.

That wouldn't be fair to the rightful winner.

Who happens to be you, Miss Brown?

Congratulations, Murph.

Oh, Frank.

This isn't how I want it to win.

This is your award. You deserve it much more than I do.

I'm going to have to decline.

Well, this is most unusual, but if you decline the award, it does go to the

person receiving the next most votes.

And that would be Ed Bradley.

Then me?

Then Diane Sawyer.

Then me?

Leslie Stahl.

Then me?

Then you.

So, since Miss Brown declines the award, it goes to Mr. Bradley.

Please, Mr. Fontana, I'm a CPA.

Don't make this any more difficult than it already is.

Again, we're just thick about this.

Keep up the good work, everyone.

Way to fight this, Frank.

We'll sue.

for public embarrassment and gross humiliation.

Frank, are you all right?

Let me get you a drink of water.

Never mind.

What the hell is in my hand?

It's a small symbol that said Frank Fontana was actually good.

And it was taken away.

I told my parents about the award.

My mother cried.

My father.

Father said he was proud of me.

First time in my life I was proud.

I gotta get out of here.

I lost.

I lost.

I've ever seen Frank that upset.

Well, we've pulled some pretty amazing practical jokes, but this time I think

we've gone too far.

There's nothing you can say to make it any better, really.

But there is something I have to tell you.

There's one thing that's kept me going.

And that's knowing what kind of friend you are.

I mean, when you turned down that award, well, that's the thin string I'm

clinging to right now.

Frank, I have a confession to make.

Get ready to wake up.

Those two guys who came to take your Humboldt yesterday, here it comes.

They were actors.

Is that a riot?

You were acting obnoxious in a sweet sort of way, so we hired them to play a

little joke on you.

Terrible idea, Frank. I'm really sorry.

Look.

Here's your Humboldt.

Go ahead.

Don't feel you have to hold back. Yell, scream.

I only pray that it won't affect the emotional development of my unborn

I won?

I really won?

Oh, man, the pain.

Geez, Frank, you're depressed when you lose, you're depressed when you win. You

don't leave yourself a lot of choices. What's the matter with you? I'll tell

what's the matter with me. I'm sick.

I let this award take control of me.

If I lose, I must be bad. If I win, I must be good.

Look, I even built a little shrine for it.

I went out and bought two chairs so I could sit with a guest and look at it.

I bought furniture, Murph. What was I thinking?

Oh, jeez, am I a mess.

You are not a mess. Don't even say that.

spinning circles on the surface.

I went way beyond being crazy. I am thick and twisted. You really wouldn't

understand.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Let me tell you something, Frank.

When your name was announced as winner, you know what?

I hated you.

You did?

Yeah, well, just for a brief flash, two or three days, but it was hate.

Oh, come on.

You're just saying that to make me feel better. No, it's true.

I wanted you in a full body cast with an itch and an ugly nurse.

A nurse?

We're both sick and twisted.

Hey, that's why we're friends.

Now, what do you say? Are we okay on this?

Okay. Great. Come on. I'll buy you something to eat.

You're on.

Why don't you go ring for the elevator? I'm going to grab my coat. Okay.

Things change when you become a millionaire.

You've got to go to hoity -toity parties.

You've got to converse with the absolutely fabulous people.

You've got to work on your big laugh.

Roseanne is next.