Original subtitles

Why isn't it coming out so good? The O's all lopsided.

Well, plop your head down and I'll trace around it.

All right, what do you guys think?

The different shades of blue represent how sad we've been since your dad's been

gone.

Well, I'm sure some airport janitor will be very touched when he pulls it out of

the trash.

All right, come on, people. We've got to leave here in about five minutes.

Well, I'm done.

Yeah, that's great, darling.

Come on now, I want to meet him at the gate, and everything's got to be

And we really got to hurry because the traffic is awful.

Well, I'm an arm away from being ready, so the rest of you get moving.

Meet you out there.

Great. Limo's out front.

All right.

All right, Andy, we're going to the airport, and since we got the big bucks

Mommy's going to get you one of those fancy airport pretzels.

Whoa!

Look at the size of that limo. It is like... Twice the size of our trailer.

Mark, now you double -checked Dan's arrival time, right? Yeah, yeah, his

comes in at noon, but I added on another two hours because we're in central

time. Mark, no, you told me that his plane leaves at nine, which is 11 o

our time, which means he gets in at four.

For Lanford time or California time?

No, no, the plane leaves at 9 o 'clock our time, which is 7 o 'clock their

which means he does get in at noon.

Noon as in Lanford time or noon as in California time?

Wait a minute. I think Dad's been at the airport for two hours.

All right, everybody shut up and let's get going, except Mark.

You stay here and figure out why we left you home.

Come on.

Come on.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Hold that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each last of a rainfall, but you also get some sun that will

make us better than okay.

Yeah.

Hey, I didn't know you were here.

Well, that's okay. You can stay. I already wrapped your presents.

You know, I couldn't help it, Dan. I tried not to, but I got totally caught

in the materialism of the holiday.

Well, honey, that's one way money ain't gonna change us.

God, it was so weird doing all the Christmas shopping without you this

Well, yeah, you didn't have anybody to carry your heavy stuff or hold your

purse.

But you do have a new strapping young man.

What with the new DJ.

I can't believe how much he's grown, you know. I think we can go ahead and take

that guardrail off his bed now.

I'm just glad you're home, Dan, because we can start getting back to normal

around here now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I was thinking?

After the holidays and everything calms down a little bit, I think me and you,

we should go away on a trip together, alone, you know. And I was thinking

the Riviera or the Wisconsin Dells.

Wow.

Got back from that big trip to California.

I know, but, I mean, we haven't been to the Dells for a really long time. I'm

sure they let us back in by now.

Yeah, we don't have to decide on it right now, do we?

No.

No, you know, we can, you know, think about it whenever.

No, I'm just trying to say, Dan, I'm so glad that you're home.

You know, I mean, I was only bringing up the idea of a trip because I thought

it's something that you'd like. Yeah, I do. But, you know, got to do it right

now or... Is something wrong, Dan?

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just tired.

I guess I got some of that jet lag.

Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

Probably it, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know, baby.

How about in a couple days, maybe me and you go out for a big dinner?

You know, just you and me.

Maybe if you like, I'll take you up to Chicago.

Wow, food. Out of town. I can hardly wait.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, listen, I'm going to go ahead and shave so I don't tear up the pillowcase.

Or me.

What you got there?

New -fangled electric razor? This is like the kind they got in that, uh,

Scharfer Image catalog.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all this?

Oh, that's my 12 -step recovery program to more vital skin.

See, I got it at that spa I went to.

Well, I don't know, honey. You got moisturizers. I got me an electric

Guess there's no going back.

or we can trade.

Well, visions of sugar plums dancing their heads. Hey, sugar plum!

We really use a hand here.

Hey, I wanted a living tree. No, you butchers are going to have to deal with

your own carnage.

Could you shut the door? It's freezing in here.

Well, they're back, huh? Mm -hmm.

Yep, and this year they actually went to a tree farm.

Don't tell me you paid for a tree. Yep, that nursery security guard bulked up

for nothing.

All right, well, last night, huh?

You and Dan, huh?

How was it?

Good. Oh, come on, Roseanne. It's been a long time for you guys. Was it wild and

intense? Was it like the first time? Well, his dad didn't catch us this time,

that's true.

do not have fine sex.

Oh, come on, Jackie. You know, it's been months and everything, and he was kind

of nervous, and so was I. But the most important thing is that when he crawled

into bed next to me, you know, and I felt that familiar sag in his side of

mattress, it just felt like I was home. You know, I just felt like everything

was going to be okay.

Well, let me ask you something. When I talk about Carlos, do I sound that

You could get a part on any Mexican soap opera.

Well, I'd say Dan does seem very happy. His mom must be doing better.

Yeah, yeah, they got her on pills and everything.

What are you doing? You're squishing my balls.

I'm making Angel's thumbprints.

No, these are rum balls.

Now that you've made them into rum blobs.

Rum blobs? What's the difference? It's going to taste the same.

Not to me.

I've spent all this time rolling these things to custom fit my mouth. Now fix

them.

No, look, like this.

But it looks like we're going to have to amputate.

There you go, Danny.

I was going to bring you safety goggles, but I didn't want to assault you. Yeah.

Nurse!

Oh, doctor, I can't tell you how impressed I am with the delicate work

about to do with those big, meaty hands.

Yes, my dear, they were developed after years of twisting off, non -twist -off

caps.

Hey, nice tree.

When do we have to send it back to Rockefeller Center?

Come on, David, let's go to the toy store so we can get there before the

bellowing parents and screaming children.

Hey, you don't want to miss that. That's the best part, where the kid's on

leashes and stuff.

Hey, Dad, I'm glad you're home. I want you to know that.

Thanks, honey, that's really sweet of you.

I need your coat.

Uh, mine doesn't fit, and believe it or not, I've outgrown Mom's. Scary.

All right, come on, David.

Timber!

Hey, I'm glad I got all this new furniture just in time to have you cut

tree in the living room.

What do you think, Darlene? Should we start here or here?

Hmm.

That is a tough one.

Darlene, it's the first time ever we have a beautiful tree with all its

Now, do you have to make it look like a tacky Vegas showgirl?

You wish, Mother.

go chew some cookies for Santa.

Make sure you put a couple of peanut butter ones on there. I know she likes

those.

Who's Dan?

Oh, I think he's upstairs using the phone.

He's probably talking to his mom.

Again? He's like so totally obsessed with her. I thought you said she was all

right. She is. And don't start criticizing him just because we aren't

enough to have our mother in a home.

All right. All we have to do now is fire him up.

Oh, we got a bad plug. There's no prongs in this.

It's a female end, you idiot.

Geez, you must have buried the plug in the middle of the tree.

We're missing a wise man again.

No, we're not.

You know what they say? They say the yellow Power Ranger is the wisest in all

the land.

You are not going to believe what I got Dan for Christmas. It's the most amazing

present ever.

All right, but you're not going to believe it has to be better than what

got me.

Bubble bath.

You already opened it?

It wasn't even wrapped.

Dan, you know, ever since he moved in with that D .A. chick with them two

we never even see him anymore.

All right, so what did you get Dan? Tell me, come on.

No, forget about it. You haven't been able to keep a secret since sixth grade.

Well, why do you bring it up then?

I got a big mouth, too.

Oh, this new angel's beautiful.

Yeah, she ain't gonna look that hot with the tree shoved up her butt.

Here, sweetie.

Allow me.

All right, everybody, gather round.

Time for the traditional hoisting of the angel.

Dog! Dog!

Now, we are going to put those cookies, darling, right over here on the mantel

where Santa... Oh, that's right. My daughter got rid of the fireplace.

I guess Santa will have to come crawling out of the cabinets.

No, that's right. We're just going to leave these cookies right here where old

Saint Nick can't miss them.

So where's that note for Santa? Oh, I got it right here, honey.

And I wrote it down exactly like the kids told me.

Oh, yeah, good.

Dear Santa, are any of your reindeer gay? Our grandma is. Love, Andy and

You know, kids say the darndest things.

It's time for bedtime, boys.

Bedtime. That's right. You guys got a busy day tomorrow of ignoring all your

toys and playing with the boxes they came in.

Here, I'll take you upstairs.

Oh, my. We'd better hurry.

I hear reindeer hooves.

Wow, she has got great hearing.

Lucky, lucky, lucky what I found out in the garage. All of our old Christmas

decks.

You know, nothing says Christmas like a string of Schlitz bottle caps.

All right, elves, come on. It's time to finish the Christmas assembly.

Come on.

Don't remember pepperoni. Let's go. All right, Mark, go out to the garage. Give

me a screwdriver and a wrench. David, go with Mark. Find out what those things

are.

Who wants a top?

What the hell is that?

I think

we should get out there before she sucks all

the nitrous oxide out of the whipping cream can.

Here, do something with that, will you?

Okay,

she's gone. Dig in.

But chew softly.

You know, I think we should leave a cookie with a big bite taken out of it.

How come?

It's more like Santa was really here.

He's eating his cookie.

And all of a sudden he realizes, uh -oh, I've got to get back to my sleigh.

And he doesn't have time to finish the last one.

That's realer.

Ah, bite me and I'm meeting them all.

Yeah, you better get yours quick. They're going fast.

Yeah, it really is great seeing you guys again.

I'm really glad you're back, Dad.

Mm -hmm.

Can I, um, you know... Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead.

Wow.

There, you should feel it from where I am.

Nobody touches that one!

Oh, David?

Did you start putting the tricycle together?

Yep. Just, uh, let me find the instructions.

David, Mendel read instructions.

We eyeball it.

think logically, and then wing it.

Yeah, well, you're a professional mechanic, Mr. Conner. How would you put

wheels on?

Well, from my last 30 years of experience as a professional mechanic,

glue them on.

that is consistent with the fine Connor tradition of Christmas etiquette.

Seriously, rattle!

watching tv or whatnot thank you yeah yeah yeah beautiful all

right everybody stop what you're doing because it's going to take hours to open

all our presents and i have something very important right now in fact i have

what i believe is called the gift day resistance

And a Zippo.

I was going to buy you a Rolex watch, but this here was cheaper.

I mean, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, we bought the house

together.

Merry Christmas.

No, that's okay. I'm all alone. They're all at the mall exchanging everything.

Well, yeah, I miss you, too.

It's really hard spending Christmas without you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Well, I don't know when I'm going to get back. I'm kind of stuck here for a

while.

Any messages, Mommy?

Um, listen, I just wanted to thank you for, you know, being so great with my

mom.

Yeah, well, um... I gotta go.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, bye.

That's great.

Hello. You've reached the Connor residence.

And, uh... Yeah, yeah. Connors? Hello.

This is Santa Claus.

I've got a scheduled delivery here, and, uh, you blocked off the fireplace.

Don't you know you're supposed to fill out a form when you block the chimney?

Of course you've changed that too.