Original subtitles

Are you excited that your daddy's coming home?

You remember your daddy, don't you?

He's got a big head and funny hair just like you do.

There's so much to tell him.

It's almost like some insane woman made it all up.

And while daddy was out in California counting fat grams and pointing out nose

jobs, we were in New York City.

New York is funny, huh?

King Kong didn't fall. He actually jumped.

Thank you. And Aunt Jackie's dating a prince.

You got lots bigger.

And so did Darlene's tummy.

And DJ's funny voice went away, which is a relief to all the doggies in the

neighborhood.

Oh,

and one more thing.

Grandma came out of the closet.

Can you say, uh -oh? Uh -oh.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

There's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn.

Is that in each glass of rainfall But you also get some sun That will make

out better than okay Hear what I say Yeah

Prinsley Animal.

I got to go.

No. No, I can't.

No, I can't.

Because I'm not alone.

No. Okay, I will. Okay.

Oh, you bet I will.

Bye -bye.

If you're going to have sex, use your own phone.

For then.

I have never experienced anything like this before in my life. I mean, I knew

that the prince was a romantic in person, but on the phone... The boom!

So, what kind of stuff did he say?

Well, you know, just stuff.

Come on, I had to listen to every detail about how boring Fred was. Now, I want

to hear about the royal stud.

Well, he said that he wanted to be my...

So that he could be with me. I mean, really with me.

All day long.

That has got to be the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Boy, you picked yourself a real winner there.

Uh, so has Dan called you lately?

Yes, he has.

Oh, not like that, but yeah.

Man, I miss him so much. I know.

you do.

You know, every morning I get up and he's not there and just for a second I

think he's in the bathroom.

But then I see that TV guy in that yellow highlighter and I know he's not

bathroom. He's out in California with his mom. Well, he'll be back in a couple

weeks. Yeah, I know, but it's still tough, you know. We've never been apart

long in our whole relationship.

And I mean, I feel like I've changed, you know.

I made all my own decisions. I went wherever I wanted to go with whoever I

wanted to go with.

I was, like, totally on my own. Now I'm a little nervous about when Dan comes

back and I go back to making the decisions for both of us again.

You know, you'll bark him down a couple of times, and after a few days,

everything will be back to normal.

Yeah, I don't know, though. I just, I feel really nervous about him seeing me.

You've been married for 25 years.

Yeah, I know, but that whole time I just kept him here in Lampard all isolated,

you know. And he's been out in California, you know, and he comes back

see me in a different way. Where's all this coming from?

I don't know.

Just, I've got a weird feeling.

Go see Barbara's movie tonight. She was so great on Oprah.

You know, remember after we saw Stars Blowing, when I got our hair all... Two

hands on the wheel, please!

I am feeling a little anxious. My mother is not the easiest person to talk to.

Maybe we ought to turn the car off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're just

a bit confused, and it's perfectly natural.

You've kept this thing hidden for such a long time. I remember when I had the

talk with my parents, okay?

And there was a long, awkward silence, and then my mother just turned to my

father and said, You owe me ten bucks.

Mine didn't even go that smoothly. My father would not talk to me for five

years. Every Thanksgiving, he would turn the TV set away so I couldn't watch the

football game.

Horrible. What about your mother? Oh, once a mama's boy, always a mama's boy.

We're almost there. Just turn left at that stop sign. Left it is.

Tell us when to pull in.

Oh, you'll recognize the house.

Whoa.

What? In the name of Brian Boitano.

Get a load of all those pink flamingos. Is that thing in the middle of the yard

that looks like a giant windmill made out of Campbell soup cans?

That's the place.

Whoa.

Think we better lock it up, fellas.

Thank you. Mary, is that a real windmill out there?

You can bet your ass it is.

Listen, I brought it from Amsterdam right after the Spanish Civil War. Wow.

It used to be in my bedroom when I was a little girl.

Mother, I see the place hasn't changed much.

Yeah, it sure is interesting.

Oh, you like it, Leon?

Well, it does explain where Roseanne gets her taste.

Absolutely love this old trunk.

Ornate, yet calm.

I traded Meyer Lansky, the famous gangster, for it.

Mother's wild stories that everyone has heard a thousand times.

No, not here. Not a block off the highway in the middle of corn country.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

I feel safe. Give me air. Give me air.

Tell me that that isn't authentic Picasso.

It better be a real Picasso.

I posed nude for that for four days.

Got to bone you.

Oh, that old etch.

Oh, like you knew Picasso. Give me a big break.

Here's what I'd like to give you.

Scott, let's go antiquing. No. Yes, right now.

I love it when you're impulsive.

I just think there's a Gustav Stickley rocking chair out there with our names

it. She slept with Picasso. In a cubic second.

All right, Beverly, what the hell are you doing here? You haven't been here

uh... Were you ever here?

Yeah, but it's been a long time. Actually, I thought we might, uh, chat.

Okay, let's chat.

You and I have never had a mother -daughter...

and now that I am all grown up, I think it's time we did.

Oh, God, I was hoping it was spawned for another decade.

Mother!

Yeah, what?

Well, you see, I am at a crossroads in my life. I mean, I just don't know where

I'm going.

Ever since I blurted out to the world that I'm attracted to women, why did you

do this?

Oh, yeah. I was there. I remember.

I realized that my whole life is just one mistake after another.

Oh, man, that really sucks.

It's true, Mom.

Yes. I quit secretarial school despite the fact that I excelled in stenography.

Yes. I married the first man who came along.

You married the first schmuck that came along.

Mother, I came here in search of answers, not criticism.

That is not criticism. That was a commentary.

Mother, I came here for help. I thought you could perhaps give me some hint,

some clue, something to help me understand myself.

You are a rebel, just like me.

You just had different things to rebel against. What are you babbling about?

right, sit down.

Now, remember when I used to get drunk with Hemingway?

I wasn't there.

Well, you remember.

And I used to go smoke reefers in Harlem with the jazz crowd.

Well, you were rebelling against the woman that I was then.

You became a kind of uptight, repressed conformist. Does any of this help you,

honey?

I was not uptight and repressed.

I was a realist. Someone had to be. All you did was wake me up in the middle of

the night so we could skip out on the rent and move on to another town or move

on to another boyfriend.

I never knew where we were going to live. I never went to the same school. I

never knew when you'd come home at night. You were mentally unstable.

No, Beverly.

What I was was what they used to call a free spirit.

Yes, I was.

young, so I parked you with my mother for a couple of years.

But when I came back, there was no running around.

Come on, you went to the same school then and you slept in the same bed. And

did every menial job that came along.

And I gave up all my dreams of being an artiste, a ballerina, a writer, a union

organizer.

Come on, Beverly, all I got left are my treasures.

You know it. I wasn't a bad mother.

I never said you were a bad mother.

Well, kiddo, you certainly were hinting at it.

Mom, I've asked you this before, and you've always avoided it.

Who was my father?

You know what? I'm going to make us some sandwiches.

Well, Jerry and Andy are down for their naps.

I think this baby thing is going to be a breeze.

You just remember that when I'm in labor and I'm ripping your throat out.

What are you guys doing?

Well, I unloaded the dishwasher and I listened to Aunt Jackie get an obscene

phone call.

And I'm just sitting here thinking about Dad.

Hey, did you tell him about all the remodeling you did yet?

Well, no, not all of it. You know, it's supposed to be a great big surprise when

he gets here.

You think so?

Well, yeah, we got new cupboards, the new table here, the convection oven,

whatever the hell that is.

Well, what about the living room?

What about it?

Well... I don't think Dad could even fit in this chair.

I'm turning my surrounds down.

Mute.

I don't know, Mom. It just doesn't seem like Dad's taste to me.

Darlene, this is the first furniture we have ever had that we did not buy off of

somebody's lawn.

Well, yeah, but is it Dad?

Well, of course it is.

Isn't it?

Well, some of the old stuff was a little more, you know, guy -friendly.

guy -friendly. You just can't tell because it's still clean.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, Mrs. Connor.

I mean, look at me.

I'm a guy, and I love this new stuff.

I'm screwed.

See, now you've got me all unsure of myself and feeling all nervous.

Tell me the truth, Jackie. What do you really think?

Well, I got it. No, I...

I wouldn't like that.

Hello?

Ah!

Beverly, you're still here?

Of course I'm still here. Remember, you just went into the kitchen to make us

some sandwiches.

Oh, that's right.

Well, you're welcome to have.

I sprinkled my Metamucil all over it.

I'm not really hungry anyway.

Mother, you have not answered my question.

Who is my father?

Bev, let me tell you a story.

Sit down.

There was this party at a mansion in Paris.

Okay?

And... Now, maybe it was at a restaurant.

Anyway...

Coming towards me was this handsome actor.

Remember, he used to swing from the trees in those pictures.

Tarzan? Tarzan? Are you telling me that Tarzan was my father, Johnny

Weissmuller? Yeah.

Mother, no more stories.

I don't know who my father is.

Well, then we're even. I don't know either.

You really don't know?

No. I narrowed it down to four guys. Really, only two.

Because, I mean, you have no talent for art, so it couldn't be Picasso.

You can't play the piano, so it can't be Arthur Rubinstein. Well, I can sing.

Could it be Louis Armstrong?

That is a distinct possibility.

Mother! All right.

Come on, Bev. You've got to remember.

Stop this. Life is a banquet.

You gotta learn how to take big bites out of it. I love you. I love you, but

the hell off my back.

I need help.

Honey, listen to me.

Everybody goes down a different road. It doesn't matter what the hell other

people think.

To thine own self be true.

Shakespeare said that.

Maybe it was in the Bible.

Oh, no, I know. It was Steve Allen.

I don't smoke.

Oh, well, Castro gave me these cigars.

Yeah, when?

Oh, yeah, New York. Long time ago. He was doing the Jack Parr show.

That cigar box is lovely. It would be perfect for potpourri.

Yeah, you like it?

I do.

Have it.

You know, there's a lot of other stuff around here I'd like you to have.

But I didn't think you liked any of it.

I liked it.

I just didn't want you to know it.

Why?

Maybe I really am a rebel. You know, in this life, there are more questions than

answers.

Maybe it's meant to be that way, so it keeps us on our toes.

You know, Mom?

What? Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're okay, kiddo.

Okay, Jackie. What do you think?

It's a little revealing.

I know. I bought it for when Dan comes home to distract him in case he don't

like the furniture.

Well, it works because I'm your sister and even I can't keep my eyes off your

rack.

Well, it's common knowledge, Jackie. Men prefer boobs over end tables any day.

for five dollar roses. Carlos, he is so romantic.

What in the hell makes you think they're from Carlos? Because your husband

wouldn't send you any flowers.

Yeah, but your dirty mouth prince would.

Yes, he would.

I

can't wait to

see you, honey.

There's no place like home.

They're for me.

There's no place like home. Love, Dan.

Oh, my God.

Dan's expecting home. I mean, like the old home. You know what I mean?

Oh, like the coffee table with the beer can stains on it home. My God.

I've got to get some of the things that he used to like and put them back out

here. Maybe that'll help ease his way into the new.

Oh, is this your I'm -going -to -be -a -grandma look?

that dog's playing poker picture, did we? Believe it or not, somebody stole it

out of the garage.

Go figure.

Your dad loved it.

Mrs. Conner, you do know that that was just a reproduction.

Where can I get another one?

Have you checked the Lamford House of Velvet?

You know, I could paint you another one. I could probably do it just from

memory. Really?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, it's one of those images that sears itself into your cornea.

I'll go get started.

Oh, my God, Jackie, I'm just totally nervous.

Everything in the house is just too different. I mean, including me. Ever

I went to that spa, I look different.

No, you don't.

Sure she does.

Her hair's shinier. Oh, yeah, if there's one thing Dad cares about, it's shiny

hair.

know, Jackie, is that Dan is not going to be returning to the demure little

Lanford house frow that he left behind.

I've been out in the world. I've lived.

I've traveled. I've experienced a million things. I've got a self

freezer.

And there is that little matter of the terrorist. My God, Jackie, what kind of

man wants to sleep with a woman who's thrown a man off a train?

Get a hold of yourself.

Dan doesn't care about that stuff.

All he's ever wanted, really, is just a place to sit.

My God, and I gave that away.

Dan doesn't care how fancy all your crap has gotten. He just wants you here. You

know that.

What if... Now, just stop. What if? What if? What if? What if cars ran on spit?

You know what Nana Mary said.

There will always be more questions than answers in this life.

Here you go. Sketched out that picture of the dogs for you.

The poodle looks a little like Becky.

There you go.

He did that from memory. It's perfect.

What are you, crazy?

It's not even close.

The bulldog is supposed to have the full house, and the chihuahua has the pair.

So? The bulldog has to win. That's the whole point of the painting.

Oh, I know. I've got something in the bedroom that'll make Dan really, really

excited to be home. Oh, God.

Okay. It's another eye -popping cleavage outfit.

Huh? Here we go.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm going to put this right back on the mantelpiece over there.

Oh, God!

I got rid of the fireplace!