Original subtitles

You sent for me, sir? Yes, Parker. I thought you might like to see this.

Television has arrived at Camp Fremont. Television, sir? Yes, our engineers have

set up a closed television circuit. Well, what are we going to see, sir?

this is just a dry run.

We've set up a camera in the wall of the experimental gas chamber so that we can

watch the experiments at a safe distance.

Oh, that's a splendid idea, sir. Camp Fremont is certainly becoming a modern

place. It certainly is.

Well, it's time for the dry run. I'll turn on the monitor.

There it is. Look at that picture. Clear as a bell.

Wonderful. It's like being right on the spot.

Well, I'll call you in later. As soon as we're ready to start the test run.

I'll turn it off now.

Oh, just a minute, sir. There's someone coming into the gas chamber. Well,

that's strange. The experiment isn't supposed to start for an hour.

What's he doing there?

I think I can guess.

It's a crackhead!

Lock them red -handed this time, sir.

It's a shame. Today is Bilko's debut on television. Tonight, his rating goes

down to corporal. Let's get down there and knock them, sir. Right. It may be

Ernie Bilko show now, but in ten minutes, it's going to be the lineup.

Shoot him 50 bucks.

I'm coming.

Come on, don't hold off the shooter. Come on, come on. Who's in? Who's in?

I'm in, Bilko. Great room for the new shooter. New blood is always welcome.

Hey!

Back to work.

It looks pretty bad for you, Vilko. You want to take a stab at an excuse?

An excuse?

Well, sir, I was passing by the gas chamber, sir, and I heard a crap came in

process. I came in to break it up. I reached on to confiscate the dice and

money, and by a peculiar coincidence, sir, you walked in.

That story might have held up 20 years ago.

Why 20 years ago, sir? Because we didn't have television then.

Television? Yes, Vilko. Your crap game was on the air. It was a fast -moving

show. No commercials.

Just straight down.

I don't understand, sir. Bilko, do you see that hole in the wall?

There's a television camera behind there. We set it up so we could watch

experiments.

Oh,

the colonel must be joking, sir. You just tried to trick me into a

Am I, Bilko?

Your first point was a ten.

You made it the hard way. Two fives.

This is an invasion of my privacy, sir. What will the FCC say about this?

They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Bilko, I've caught you. I waited a long time for this, and now I've found a way

to stop you for good. I'm going to put a television camera in every building on

the post.

Oh, that won't be necessary, sir. I give you my word. I don't need your word,

Bilko. I'll have your picture on my set everywhere you go.

24 hours a day.

Yes, from now on, Bilko, it's just going to be you and me, person to person.

Am I disturbing you, sir?

Oh, I see you have the set on.

I've had it turned on all week. I'm Bilko's number one fan.

Where is Bilko now, sir? On Channel 2.

Look at him. He knows I'm watching.

There he is.

This was a magnificent idea of yours, sir. There hasn't been a card or a dice

game on the post all week. If there was, it was on radio.

Oh, by the way, sir, your plane tickets arrived for Lake Tahoe.

Oh, fine.

This is going to be one weekend I'll really enjoy.

Besides, my eyes need a rest from looking at the Bilko telethon. You don't

to worry, sir. I'll be glued to this set all weekend.

Good. But you won't have to start for a couple of hours. I want you to get our

star to drive Mrs. Hall and me to the airport. Yes, sir.

What'll it be, soldiers?

Two hamburgers, two coffees.

I see what? Did you see it? Did I see what?

The cook. Oh, I didn't see anything.

Oh, miss. Miss.

Can we have some onions on those hamburgers, please?

Will you make up your mind?

Hey, Charlie.

Teardrops on those burgers.

Anything you say, baby doll?

It's heavy. The colonel is... Don't panic.

Oh, miss.

May I see you a moment again, please?

What do you want?

I hate to... Sturdy, but your chef, his face is very familiar. What's his name,

please? Charlie Klesterman.

Has he worked here long?

Three years, on and off.

On and off?

When he ain't drunk, he's on.

Look, soldier, if that deadbeat owes you money, you're wasting your time.

What? You ever see anything like it? The same voice, the same face.

Hey, young boy, do you know before you walk away?

Oh, how about it, Marge? A little bowling tonight?

I don't go bowling.

Oh, that's a shame, but them beautiful pins are right down my alley. Oh, I love

it when they got a little moxie.

Oh,

it's heavy.

Why not?

They say everybody in this world has a double.

Oh, Rock, oh, baby. Boy, don't you see the possibilities here? We clean them up

a little and then... Sarge, what are you thinking about?

Something I've always wanted.

My own colonel.

You are not a colonel. Not this weekend, we haven't. Oh, chef!

What do you want, soldier boy?

Hamburger attack you?

Charlie, we were wondering, would you be interested in a little business

proposition? What's the pitch? You want me to join the army? No, thanks. I did

my bit back in 17.

Won the Iron Cross.

Iron Cross? That's a German medal.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Would you like to make 50 bucks this weekend?

Who do I have to murder?

All we want you to do is impersonate our colonel for a few hours. It'll be a lot

of fun, a lot of wax around you. All you do is give some orders, change a few

rules. All I can do is stretch in a federal pen, impersonate an officer

10 -year rat.

I'm not going to risk that for no 50 bucks. No soap, Buster. When I need

that bad, I'll print it myself.

But, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

Can I see you in private?

Oh, well, no. Glad you dropped in.

I was just going to send you a check.

Well, I ain't interested in rubber.

I'm interested in money, 150 bucks.

Would you like a cup of coffee, Bruno?

Yes. And you can sweeten it with 150 lumps of sugar.

How much time have you given me, Bruno?

Well, that all depends on how much pain you can take.

I'll be right back.

Hey, soldier.

I've been turning your offer over in my mind.

It might be fun to get back in a uniform.

Give me 150 bucks and you can swear me in.

Okay. I'll give it to you Sunday night. Oh, you better give it to me now or else

I'll be buried with military honors.

Here.

I could have got a general for this.

Here you are, Bruno.

Oh, boy.

We're squared and even.

Thanks, Charlie. You know, you just saved your mouth a set of new teeth.

Okay, Sergeant.

I'm ready to serve my country.

Ernie, Ernie, I'm nervous.

What are you nervous about? We got him through the front gate, didn't we? Yeah,

he saluted with his left hand.

Well, there must be some mistake here. I thought they had the beauty contest in

Atlantic City.

Good morning, Ava.

Oh, I mean, Edna, I keep calling her Ava. She resembles herself.

Oh, please, Bilko, I haven't even had my coffee yet. Oh, my dear, if it was up

to me, you'd have champagne for breakfast.

Will you tell the colonel I'm here, please?

He isn't here, Bilko. He went to Lake Tahoe for the weekend. Oh, darn, I

him to sign my library card. Well, no, no, later this weekend.

The colonel is back!

Edna! Good morning, sir. We thought you were away for the weekend, sir.

Yeah, I was... I haven't a swell time, but suddenly I got an emergency call

the pentagon. The pentagon, sir?

That's the guy. I've got to call him back.

Let me help you with your office, sir.

Well. Good morning, Colonel Hall.

What have we here? So your call might be coming in any moment, sir.

Why don't you come into my office, too?

For dictation, sir?

Could be.

That weekend in Lake Tahoe, did you aware of it, sir?

He seems to be an unusually good spirit.

Yeah, he has the strangest look in his eyes.

Fifty years.

Now relax.

As long as you're in that uniform, you're supposed to conduct yourself like

officer and a gentleman.

And another thing, don't spill anything on that uniform. We've only got to rent

it till Monday. Why couldn't I have worn one of those nice blue uniforms?

Because that's a Navy uniform.

Those mistakes you've got to watch.

Oh, television set. I wonder what's on.

Me. That's why you're here.

Now, look, I want you to get Captain Parker in here. Tell the girl, use the

intercom.

Yes, Colonel Hall?

Tell Captain Parker I want to see him pronto.

Is that all, Colonel Hall?

It's up to you, honey.

Corporal, are you sure you got that message straight that the colonel wanted

see me? Well, yes. He came back unexpectedly this morning. I'll tell him

here.

left this way before.

Good morning, sir. It's Captain Parker,

sir. I'm surprised to see you back so soon. Is anything wrong? I had a rush

this morning. I was expecting a call from the Pentagon, sir. That sounds like

it.

Yes,

sir. We had a real nice chat, didn't we, sir? That's right, Bilko.

And remember what you said?

You said if I get all these television cameras out of here, you will not gamble

on the post ever again.

Yes, sir. I'll put it in writing, sir.

No, your words good enough for me. But, Colonel Hall, sir, you know Bilko's

promises. Oh, I think he's learned his lesson, Barker.

It isn't punishment that Bilko needs.

It's trust.

Sir, your whole attitude seems to have changed overnight.

You wanted me to remind you about the TV, sir? Oh, yeah.

I want you to get all this television equipment and ship it back to

We don't need it anymore. Oh, sir, this kind of trust won't go unrewarded, sir.

Colonel Paul, this is such a big step. I wonder if I could talk to you about it

in private.

Why, sure, buddy.

On second thought, sir, no.

We've made up my mind.

Might as well start with the monitor. Oh, yeah. I'll take this along with you,

Parker.

Yes, sir.

Are you sure, sir? Get it out of here.

Yes, sir.

That's such a good idea, too.

We did it! We did it!

Am I through now? Yeah, get out of the uniform, back to the lunch. That's no

pressing. Come on.

Oh, Colonel Hall?

Yes, honey?

The paymaster called. He said he's ready to distribute the officer's pay.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd better get down and get money.

Well, can we talk after I get paid? No, it's very urgent.

Can I go, sir?

Yeah, but don't go too far.

What do you think of that? What do you want to do? Walk up with the colonel's

pay? I just want to get a few extra bucks. Oh, you jerk. I got a plan. We

get all of it. Sarge, you can't use Charlie to steal the officer's pay. We'd

have to leave the country.

Yeah, that's a benevolent thing for South America, aren't I?

I got a real plan.

Yeah, what is it?

Monte Carlo night at the officer's club.

Monte Carlo night.

All proceeds to charity.

All officers invited.

Monte Carlo night for officers. What's that another colonel?

I think it's finally happened, Lieutenant Montaigne.

He's been brainwashed by Bilko.

All right. Get those bets in. Remember, anything you might lose is for sweet

charity's sake. No, thanks, Captain. Sergeant Bilko. Yes, Lieutenant Rubens.

What charity is this for? Well, this lady group are very sensitive. They

to remain anonymous. But let me assure you, sir, the money will go into the

right pockets.

I'm sorry I asked. Oh, you're a lot of fun, Lieutenant.

Turn the group.

Colonel Paul, please.

Colonel Hall, sir, are you sure you've checked the charity the money is going

to? I still don't trust Bilko. Parker, take it from me. You can trust Bilko as

much as you can trust me.

Good evening, Colonel Hall.

Oh, beautiful.

Parker, remind me to call a special meeting for the officer's wife.

Oh, Colonel Hall.

Now, Parker, what are you standing around for? You got paid today. Get in

game.

Splendidly, sir, because of you, a lot of underprivileged people are going to

very happy tomorrow.

Both, gather round me a moment. What do you say?

Three cheers for our Colonel, hit it? Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray!

Too bad we had to leave on Saturday afternoon.

I'm sorry I spoiled your weekend, dear, but my hay fever began kicking up. Oh,

that's all right, John. You'll be much more comfortable at home.

Coffee and donut all right with you? Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, miss, two coffees and two donuts, please.

You deadbeat!

Where have you been all day?

I beg your pardon? Don't you high and mighty me, Charlie Klusterman.

Now, you get in there and get your apron on and start it back.

Miss, what are you talking about?

Look, lady, I don't know where he picked you up, but this guy ain't no soldier.

He's a short order cook. Now, come on, Charlie, get in there and drain the fat

off that chow mein.

I don't understand.

Neither do I.

Let's get out of here and get back to town.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

Oh,

it's good to be home, John.

After that experience with the waitress and that diner, all I want is a glass of

hot milk and to go right to bed.

I'll fix your milk for you, dear. Why don't you get in your pajamas?

Thank you, dear.

Boy, I'm going to sleep tonight.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Sorry if you lost. It was all for charity.

Nice.

How'd you do? $1 ,142.

$1 ,142. Say, that'll buy a lot of coverage. Let's give it up. Later,

Let's look at it a while.

What's that? Here.

Come in.

Oh,

Colonel Hall, I'm glad you're still here.

Watch where they're going.

Just a precaution, sir. I thought I'd escort you back to your house with the

money. Oh, that's a splendid idea, sir. I feel much better with the money in

your hands, sir. Well, shall we go, sir? Sergeant, wait outside. I'll contact

you, sir, as soon as the representative of the charity gets in touch with me.

Well, here we are, sir.

Oh, where are we?

At your house, sir.

Oh, yeah, I couldn't see it in the dark.

Well, good night, sir.

Good night.

Aren't you going in?

Oh, yeah.

John,

why aren't you in your pyjamas?

Here, take this.

Of course you do.

I'll get you some.

Now, where is my hot milk?

I brought you your milk. Here it is on the table.

Why didn't you say so?

John, how'd you get in your pajamas so fast?

What are you talking about?

I don't know anymore, John. I think we are both overly tired.

I'm going to bed.

Come in.

Jones,

Jones.

I'm going to bed. That's what I'm doing in pajamas.

What are you doing here, Bilko?

I came here for a pillow fight. That's what I'm... Come on, Charlie. Out of the

pajamas. You can't stay here tonight. Come on. Move it, Charlie.

This is some kind of a joke. I'm too tired to appreciate it. Now, get out of

here. Hold it a minute, Charlie. Let's not get chewed with me, pal. Get up the

money and let's divide it up.

What money?

What?

Is Captain Barker still here?

Captain Barker isn't here, and you better stop calling me Charlie.

Well, then get up the money, Charlie.

Bilko, if you're not out of here in two seconds, I'm calling the MPs. Sarge, can

I let him have it? Well, I'll take care of it.

All right, Charlie, get up $1 ,142. Get it up, Charlie.

Bilko, that's how many years you're going to spend in the guardhouse.

Let it show you.

Oh, this is Colonel Hall. Give me the MP. Oh, put the phone down, Charlie.

Bilko, are you out of your mind? You're not going to get away with this, are

you?

What's wrong?

Sergeant Bilko, what's going on here? What's going on here?

I want an

explanation.

Oh, where am I?

What am I doing?

Colonel, what am I doing in the Colonel's hall? That's what I want to

Bilko.

Oh, Henshaw, that's the last time I'll let you try your amateur hypnotism on

Oh, I'm such a dupe for him, so I go right... Hypnotism? Yes, sir.

You see, he...

But the ice, I go, sir. It's terrible.

Did I say anything wrong while I was on Sunday? I mean, did I say anything out

of line? Was I rude?

You insisted on calling me Charlie and asking me for $1 ,142.

What about it, Belko?

Well, I don't know, sir. I was in a trance. You'll have to ask Kensho. Well,

not in a trance, and I want the three of you to report to my office tomorrow

morning. Yes, sir.

Oh, stop. See, he's starting again with the ice. Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm funny, isn't it? Oh, stop it. No, no. I don't want to be a caddy. No.

Sergeant Dupo acts so strangely.

It seems to me that everybody's acting strangely tonight.

Well, let's go to bed and get some sleep.

Now what?

Come in.

Parker, what are you doing here?

I couldn't sleep, sir. I was worried about the money. I thought it would be

better to keep it overnight.

What money?

The $1 ,142, sir.

Parker, have you been near Corporal Henshaw tonight?

I suppose so, sir, for a few minutes. Did he look into your eyes?

I don't know, sir. I suppose so. All right, Parker. Wake up.

You may not know, but you've been hypnotized.

There was no $1 ,142.

Oh, but there was, sir. You took it home yourself, the winnings from the

gambling tables.

What gambling tables? At the officer's club that was Monte Carlo night.

Officer's club?

Monte Carlo night?

Was Bilko behind this? Oh, yes, sir. And so were you, sir. Don't you remember?

Remember what? I wasn't even here.

Oh, but you were, sir.

Unless you were the one who was hypnotized.

Mel, will you come out here a minute?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mel.

Was I in Lake Tahoe with you this morning?

Well, of course you were.

Did you say I was in camp all day?

Yes, sir. Everyone on the post saw you.

If it wasn't you, it must have been your double.

No. No.

Remember in that diner, that waitress, you thought there was somebody else?

Yes, she kept calling you Charlie.

Charlie! That's it!

It sounds impossible, but it's got to be it.

I'm going to get dressed and go down to that diner and clear this whole thing

up. But what happened to the $1 ,142 sign? I've got to find Charlie before

does.

Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Charlie who? What does he look like, Charlie?

You're looking at what he looks like. Now tell me where he is or I'll call the

police. All right, all right.

I'm coming back into the kitchen.

All right. Where is he? Where is that rat?

If you're Bilko, you better get out of here. Sure, I'll get out of here. Not

without my money.

Come on out of there, Charlie. Come on out with my money. I'm coming into there

swinging.

Well, Bilko, I've been expecting you. Sure, I'll bet. In another five minutes,

you'll be off to South America with the money, huh? Can I let him have it? Only

if there's one penny missing out of that money. All right, give me that bag. Why

should I give you the money, Bill Joe? I did all the work. He did all this. This

beautiful rockle. Tell him whose brains was behind this. Ernie. Ernie thought of

everything. It was his idea to have you impersonate the colonel. Is that right,

Charlie?

Charlie?

Is that right, Charlie?

That's right, Colonel.

Joe, he's... Well,

he... They must... Where am I?

and put me under hypnosis again.

And, sir, will you hypnotize Sergeant Philco again and tell him to go straight

to the guardhouse? Yes, sir. Look into my eyes. You will get him.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. You'll be pleased to know

that I just turned all the money over to the Army Pension Fund.

Good. And I've worked things out with Charlie Clusterman.

He's promised to grow a full beard so there'll be no more mistakes.

Well, I'll get back to my office, Eric. Oh, wait a minute, Parker. It's ten o

'clock. Time for our favorite television program.

Wonderful show, isn't it?

And the best part is that as long as I'm the sponsor, it'll never be canceled.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Nick Saunders as Captain Barker, Hope

as Mrs. Hall, Jane Dulo as Marge, Al Lewis as Bruno, Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover, Barbara Berry as Edna, and Billy Allen as Billy.

Coming next, Don Rickles stars as CPO Sharky, a Navy drill instructor who's a

hell of a lot like Don Rickles. Right here at Comedy Central, the only

channel...