Original subtitles

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, man.

I hear it's over 100 today. This heat is intolerable.

Let's just take a cold shower.

It's not that hot.

Come on. Give somebody else a break. Come on.

In a minute. In a minute. Come on. Come on. Take a little leave.

Keep it down, fellas.

Keep it down. You'll wake... Philco. He can't hear us over the noise of his air

conditioner. I hope he gets frostbite. Why don't we have Philco to let us in?

Because he won't do it. Maybe he'll open the door just for a few minutes. You'll

get a call from a draft.

I should be so lucky.

Come on.

A little discomfort, you turn into an unruly mob?

We can't stand it out here. Let us in, Bill.

I told you over and over, there's one at a time goes in there. There's too many

in there now.

A few more can't hurt. Look, it's an old quarter -ton air conditioner. John,

it's last legs now. You put too much burden on it, it'll go kaput. You always

got something to do with that.

Sarge, you're melting away.

Don't worry, Doberman. You've still got 200 pounds to go before you reach your

breaking point.

All right, gentlemen, let's go. Your time is up.

Come on, Sergeant.

Let me stay another dollar's worth.

I am really ashamed of you. What?

Your buddies are out there sweltering.

How selfish can you be?

Okay. Who do you want me to send in? Send in Fender. He's the oldest and he's

suffering the most. He has no money.

Well, you better send in Mullen. He's the next oldest.

We're all hot. Come on, get out of here and shut that door quickly. There'll be

no free samples.

Hey, where you going?

I'm going out to let Fender take my place, if it's all right with you. Look,

spare me your sarcasm, will you please, Rocco? Can you turn it up a notch? I

think so, Sarge. I let them in one at a time, but they can't stay here too long.

No charge or any?

Look, don't start pushing me, huh?

If I listen to him, I'll be the nicest guy in the pool house.

Stand back, Sarge. Here they come.

All right.

You had your little joke. Now listen to me good. You can stay in here, but

quietly. No moving around, no deep breathing, no gulping. How did you ask

use just one lung at a time?

I'll turn it up for you.

Gently, gently.

Now, don't move around. Just relax.

That feels great.

It sure is refreshing.

Look out!

It broke down completely.

You happy now, Mr. Henshaw?

Maybe you'd like to write four of your friends in. We can all suffocate

together. Ernie, it's not their fault. It's an old machine.

Come on, out, out, out.

Well, Goldman, I hope you're satisfied.

What did I do?

What did you do? Figure it out for yourself.

You try to cool off a half -ton soldier with a quarter -ton machine?

I can't stand another night.

I'll be right, but what kind of soldier am I? The temperature goes up a little,

you all get desperate.

May I remind you all, this is a soldier's camp, not a boy's camp. You've

relax and cool off.

You fix the rock?

I don't think so, Sarge. We need all new parts.

Boy, is it getting hot in here.

Wow.

It's no use.

I've got to get out of here.

But every place in camp is just as hot.

That's it. I'll get out of camp.

Well, where would you go?

I don't know. Any place where it's drafty. The North Pole, Alaska.

I'll find a 15 -foot snowdrift and I'll go skin diving.

Sarge, the colonel isn't going to give you another leave. He'll have to. This

an emergency furlough. Somebody I love very dearly is dying.

Me?

No, no, no, Bilko. I'm not giving you another furlough. But, sir... Bilko,

give you your next two -week furlough when you're legally entitled to it.

In 1973.

But, sir, I've already wired the family to tell them I'm coming home for the

reading of the will.

Poor Uncle Henry. He looked like me. I was so fond of him.

Bilko, your Uncle Henry died five years ago.

Well, thank you for remembering, sir. You see, they've only just now found the

will of Uncle Henry was cracked.

Save your breath, Bilko. I've been figuring how many days you've spent in

during the last year. And it may interest you to know that on an hourly

you made more than a chief of staff.

It's outrageous.

Outrageous, sir? Yes, Bilko.

Speaking as your colonel and a taxpayer.

Now get out of this office.

Sir, if you'll just give me a moment, sir.

Bill Cole, please don't get me upset.

It's too hot.

It's funny you should say that, sir. Only yesterday, Dr. Norton was telling

that this weather is dangerous for a man with my basal metabolism, sir. Bill

Cole. You see, I have difficulty in perspiring, sir. These small pores of

sir. Bill Cole. I don't want to be an alarmist, sir, but in heat like this...

I can go like that, sir.

Wonderful, Bilko. Then you won't have to go to the reading in the will.

You can hear the news directly from your Uncle Henry.

I'm glad to see that the seat hasn't affected my Colonel's sparkling wit,

Bilko, out, out!

Hello, Bilko.

Would you mind not standing in front of the window? Whatever breeze there is, I

want to get. I'm sorry, Sarge.

Ernie! Hey, listen to this weather report. Wait a minute. I'll turn it up.

There's a cold air mass moving south from the Arctic Circle. Oh, good. Good.

Which should meet with a cold front moving east over the Pacific.

Keep talking, boy. Keep talking.

The weather forecast for tonight, mostly cool with a chance of rain.

Boy, what a break.

Temperature in the low 30s along the coast, 35 to 40 degrees inland.

Maybe tonight we'll get some sleep.

This is station KLAT.

Nome, Alaska.

Alaska?

Shortwave. Hensher, you're a friend of Rocco's. Hold my hand. I'm sorry, Sarge.

I'm not blaming you. It's the Colonel's fault. Count on him. I've got to stay

here for two weeks with an idiot like you.

Shortwave. As long as the Colonel's here, you're not going to get me

Maybe that's the trick. I'll get the Colonel to take a furlough. Then Captain

Marcus can charge him. I can twist around my fingers.

But how will you swing it, Sarge? I don't know. I'll think of something.

Cut the ready, get in here, run it over there, okay? Hey, babe!

Get all the real stepcars ready in case we need it. What's up, Sarge? Look, I...

What are you doing in Class 8 in this heat? Oh, I just picked up General Wade

the airport.

General Wade? He's coming here?

Yeah, he's just a social visit. He's spending the evening with the colonel

his wife.

What's the matter?

Oh, well, as the colonel's official driver, I feel that I should exercise a

certain amount of discretion.

Look who's clamming up. The head of hopper of the grease pits.

You're right.

obligation to my buddies. That's better. Talk.

Well, it seems that General Wade used to go out with Mrs. Hall before she was

married to the colonel. You know, they were classmates together.

No. I kid you not. At one point, I have a feeling that the colonel ain't too

happy about this visit. Why, dearie? Well, how would you feel if your wife's

beau showed up? Number one, he's a general. Two, he's got all his hair.

Three, no pot belly. And four... Okay, Pepper, I'll... I'll thank you.

Don't forget, Sarge, don't spread it around. I don't want to get a reputation

a gossip. Of course not. Move it.

Forgive me. I guess the Colonel will go on a second honeymoon. A second

honeymoon? Of course. How else is he going to patch up the fight he and his

just had? I didn't hear about him having any fight. Of course not. I haven't

started it yet.

May I give you some more coffee, Terry? Thanks, Nell.

Gosh, it's good seeing you both again.

Nell, you're as pretty as ever.

Oh, and you're just as devilish as you ever were.

Isn't he, John?

He certainly is.

Cream and sugar, Terry? No, he likes his coffee black.

Thank you for remembering, Nell.

Now, who could that be?

Good evening, sir.

Wilco, what's this all about?

Well, sir, when word got out that General Wade was visiting on the post,

the motor pool persuaded Sergeant Ritzig to whip up this cake.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

And it has a star on it. Yes, ma 'am, to match the glorious star he has on his

shoulder. Sergeant, thank the man for me. I appreciate the honor.

Well, really, sir, the honor is all ours.

Oh, Mrs. Hall, you are a lucky woman indeed to be spending the evening with

war heroes.

One man decorated four times.

for bravery in action. And the other man, whose laundry unit won a citation

efficiency in New Guinea.

I didn't hear about that combination, Charles.

You look ridiculous, Harry. Oh, my cradle is much too modest. So, in the

thickest of fighting, he saw to it that our dungarees were kept safe. Spanking

clean. Thank you for the cake, Beatrice. Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Hall. Let me do

that. I have a very deft hand at cutting cake. Thank you, sir.

I understand, sir, that you and my colonel were classmates.

Yes, class of 27.

Oh, my, this has been a lovely dinner, I suppose, reminiscing about the old

days. Oh, it has been fun.

Nell, do you remember the graduation ball?

Old John here showed up with a sprained ankle, and you and I had every day.

Oh, that must have been fun. I bet you're pretty good. in the dancing

yet, sir. Well, I do get in a little practice now and then, Sergeant. Oh, I

think dancing is such fun.

I wish John cared more for it. Oh, that isn't fair, Mrs. Hall. You know he'd

love to if it wasn't for his arches.

The graduation dance. I bet Mrs. Hall was lovely.

Why, she couldn't have been more than 17.

Yes, she wore a lovely blue gown.

Oh, I think it was pink.

Terry is right, dear. It was blue.

Now, do you remember what I said when I asked you to dance for the first time?

Oh, what did he say, Mrs. Hall?

He said, lovely stranger, may I have this dance?

Isn't that cute, sir?

What did you say, Mr. Hall?

I said, yes, you may, whoever you are.

My, don't they make a lovely couple.

Well, Mrs.

Hall is certainly having fun. I haven't seen her this radiant in years.

She's going to have one of her migraines if she keeps whirling around.

General Wade is a bachelor, isn't he, sir?

I believe he is. I can't say that I blame him. I mean, why should he make

woman happy when he can make dozens ecstatic? There he goes.

Why, he's strong.

He held her so tight.

I have eyes, Bilko.

Daddy. Oh, my friends.

Just once more around the floor, then I'll return you to your escort. You

Teenagers. Oh, it's 11 o 'clock, sir. Would you say goodnight to me? They're

having so much fun, I hate to disturb them, sir.

Hey,

Sarge. You sure you want me to pack this heavy sweater?

Of course. What do you think? I'm going to go skiing in my bathing suit?

Hey, Ernie. What makes you so sure your plan will work?

That everything's going to schedule.

Tomorrow I talk to Colonel Intertaking his second honeymoon.

Which leaves Captain Barker at my mercy. Hey, Sarge, you never did tell us what

happened at the Colonel's house tonight.

What's to tell? I lit the fuse that set the bomb to go off immediately as the

General left the house.

Which should be right about now.

Oh, he takes his coffee black, John.

Thank you for remembering that.

I never heard such ridiculous nonsense in my life. John, I was just trying to

make an old friend feel welcome.

Oh, you did that all right. I'm surprised he didn't move in with his

hair tonic, and everything.

You invited him to dinner. He's your best friend. What's that got to do with

Terry Wade is a 55 -year -old adolescent, and you didn't help him grow

Gushing and giggling like a silly schoolgirl.

Oh, Terry, you're a mad cat.

I do believe you're jealous.

Jealous? Me?

Just because I didn't spend a thousand dollars on dancing lessons at Arthur

Murray's? Oh, this is a silly argument.

Get a glass of hot milk and go to sleep.

Oh, sure. Go ahead. Make me out a decrepit old man.

Well, I will not have a glass of hot milk. I am going to get me a nice big

highball. John, you know what that does to your stomach.

Save your concern for General Wade.

That Pentagon Perferio.

I'm going to sleep.

Good idea.

I'm going to sleep on the couch.

May I have this dance, lovely stranger?

Come in.

Good morning, Sam.

Wicked day, isn't it, Sam? What do you want, Philco? I'm in no mood for chit

-chat. Well, sir, one of my men has a serious family problem, and knowing how

wise you are in matters of this type, sir, we thought perhaps you could help,

sir. Well, I'm hardly in authority this morning, but I'll try. Who is it?

Fender, sir.

I'm afraid his marriage is on the verge of breaking up, sir.

Fender?

He's been married almost as long as I have. Yes, but unfortunately the Fenders

don't have the same deep understanding and mutual trust that you and Mrs. Hall

enjoy.

Hmm, yeah.

The Fenders have six children, haven't they? Yes, sir. And if it wasn't for the

constant bickering, Fender could have had the large family he's always wanted,

sir.

We gave him an emergency leave, sir. What good would that do, Bilko?

If he went home, they'd probably start fighting all over again.

I see what you mean, sir. But if they went off somewhere by themselves, they'd

have a chance to recapture the great love they once had. Is that what you

sir? Well, yes.

Why, yes. In that way, the husband could make up for harsh words.

Said in haste, sir.

Well, you could say that.

Why, it's like getting married again and going off on a second honeymoon. A

second honeymoon.

That's a brilliant idea, sir. In that way, they can erase all bitterness and

recapture the happiness they once knew. A second honeymoon. What a brilliant

idea, sir. Well, I'll have Fender packed and send him on his way immediately.

May I say, sir, only a man with your great heart.

Could have come up with such a sentimental inspiration, sir. Thank you,

That's all right, Bilko. That's what I'm here for.

Now,

this is Colonel Hall.

Don't ask any questions.

Just pack your trousseau. We're going to Sun Valley, Idaho on a second

honeymoon.

Hi, this is a beautiful place, inside and out.

Oh, I beg your pardon, miss. Would you like to join me for cocktails at the

fireside? You fool, so you've lost again.

Yes, sir.

Will you register, please? Glad to.

Pardon me, will you cash this check for me, please? Glad to, Mr. Hall.

If you'll wait one moment.

Just checking in, friend.

A yabber in my hand.

The artist is like Switzerland.

Even chillier sometimes, you know what I mean.

Room 207.

I hope you enjoy your stay, Mr... I'm sure I will enjoy this.

Oh,

I beg your pardon, Fraulein. Of course, mein Herr Wilco.

I'm afraid the pretty Fraulein is mistaken. This is here. Count von

Wilkermaster. Very well, if you insist.

But you did look like Sergeant Wilco before your Lord Douglas.

I can see. Mrs. Hall, I can't fool you with my little jokes, now can I?

Don't worry. I won't say a word to the Colonel.

Hardly speaking anyway.

Why? I thought this was to be your second honeymoon.

I'm afraid it just isn't working out very well.

Oh, dear. Well, come over here. Maybe there's something I can do to help you

out, Mrs. Hall. Oh, I don't think so, Sergeant.

You see, John has become so terribly jealous.

Jealous? Yes, ever since General Wade paid me those few simple little

compliments. He's suspicious of every man that even looks at me.

I just don't understand it. I think I do.

You see, somehow... General Wade has made the colonel feel insecure, made him

lose assurance with himself.

But I've assured John over and over again that he's the only man in the

for me.

Well, I'm afraid, Mrs. Hall, the reassurance has to come from someone

do you mean?

Look, Mrs. Hall, if a lot of pretty girls flocked around the colonel, now

you act properly jealous? Well, I should say so.

Good. You just do as I tell you. All right. Here he comes.

Anytime you're ready, Mrs.

Hall. Say, your wife was showing me where the dining room was. She is very

sweet. Yes, I'm sure she was.

Come along, Madam Duke Barry.

Telegraph of J .P. Hall.

Who is that?

Telegraph of J .P. Hall. I'll take that, boy. I'm his assistant, and here you

are. Here's a nice tip for you.

Excuse me, sir, but is that J .P. Hall, the big Hollywood producer?

Yes, but don't let him get around, you see. I don't want every pretty girl in

the hotel testing him for a screen test.

What's he doing here, sir?

What was that? What's he doing here, sir? Keep it quiet, please.

He's on another one of his quiet talent hunts.

Don't nose it around, but the studio is looking for the answer to Mel Monroe.

Well, good luck, sir. Thank you, boy.

Well, I better take care of this.

Oh, no.

Hold that pose.

Oh, no, it can't be true.

Oh, forgive me. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm on vacation.

Oh, no, that's all right. Forgive me. I don't usually do this. Oh, won't you

please sit down?

Now, before I get my hopes too high, are you signed with any other film studio?

No, I'm not.

Do you have any picture experience?

Well, yes, I was an extra once in a Frank Sinatra picture.

By George, this may be J .B.'s lucky day.

Oh, you just introduced me.

I just know it. No, no, that would never do. You see, he likes to discover his

own talent the way he discovered Kim Novak and Elizabeth Taylor and the rest,

you know, is history.

Well, what should I do? Well, tonight, I'd like you to run into him

in the dining room. I wanted to see the same qualities in you that I see.

Besides beauty, I wanted to see that warm, attractive glow that makes every

you look at feel charming and attractive.

Well, what should I say?

Well, just be natural. Say, hello, how are you?

Hello, how are you? No, no, dear.

Natural, like Marilyn.

Now, take a deep breath.

Now let it out.

Now say it.

Hello.

How are you?

That's it.

That's it.

Fix your hair. Get into an old dress. Leave the rest to me.

Oh, no.

Did anybody ever tell you you're a dead ringer for Ava Gardner?

Funny you should mention that.

I'm just crazy about bullfights.

That's why JB's next $5 million production is entitled The Matador and

debutante. Well, that's for me. It's like I told you.

Oh, you close your eyes, it's Ava. She's Ava.

Well, sure, I'd like to see the movies, but I'm just a waitress. Well, what do

you think Vivien Leigh was before David Selznick discovered her?

She was a waitress? No, she was a British movie star. Of course. I'm

you, J .B. will find your face and accent irresistible. All he keeps

about is that musical version of Gone with the Wind that he's making.

Sure enough, is he doing that?

Oh, I just thought of something.

If you get the part, you'd have to kiss Rock Hudson 40 or 50 times in the

picture. You wouldn't mind, would you, terribly?

Oh, then it's all said.

You mean Mr. Hall won't care if I don't know how to act? Oh, heavens, we can

teach you how to act after you become a star.

You remember what I told you. He'll be sitting at one of your tables tonight. I

want you to give him the full force of your southern charm, Scarlet.

Oh, hey.

You look very handsome in that suit, John.

What's the matter?

You know very well what's the matter. You still haven't explained why you

to that man with the curly hair.

I was making an appointment with him.

What? Oh, he's a skiing instructor, John. You said we should take lessons.

Well, pick somebody else. He looked like a regular hotel gigolo to me.

Good evening, sir. Are you ready to order?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Two shrimp cocktails.

And the roast beef, medium rare.

Sure enough, Mr. Hall.

How did you know my name?

I'd say that just about every pretty girl in the hotel knows your name.

There aren't too many mature, attractive men checking in, and we girls just

notice those things.

Oh, thank you very much. I'll be right back with your shrimp.

Don't you go away now, here.

Probably just to build up for the tip.

Oh, dear.

Well, now, hey.

How can I ever thank you?

Nothing, really.

Oh, my.

But you're tall.

Yes, I always have been.

Tall and deep blue eyes.

How dreamy.

You're a practical young lady yourself.

Thank you.

A pretty girl like you ought to be in the movies.

Oh, I hoped you'd say that.

John! Oh, don't let me interrupt your dinner.

Maybe I can come back later and we can talk some more.

I should teach him to behave with more dignity.

Well, all I did was just hand the girl her purse. I have eyes.

You were flirting outrageously.

Come now, Nell. I'm old enough to be her father.

John, I'm warning you. You're my husband and I'll fight for you if I have to.

Oh, now you're getting yourself upset all over nothing.

Oh, here's the food.

Yeah, we are. I hope I didn't keep you all waiting too long.

Not at all. She sounds like a real Scarlett O 'Hara, doesn't she?

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. Scarlett O 'Hara.

John, please eat your dinner and be a little less charming.

Oh, stop nagging, Nell.

You're letting your imagination run away with you. Now, let's eat.

Have you got a light?

A light?

You know where I am?

Yes, of course.

You know something, Nell?

I'm really beginning to enjoy this vacation.

This is more than a vacation. It's supposed to be our second honeymoon.

It is, Nell. It is. I suppose you think I enjoy watching all those pretty girls

throw themselves at you.

Oh, come now, Nell.

I can't say that I blame them.

I'm sure they find you just as attractive as I do.

You mean that?

Well, of course I do.

I always have, John.

Why do you think I married you?

Because I find you the most exciting man I've ever known.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, not now. Scoot.

Let's go somewhere where we can be alone.

Wonderful idea, John. Now we can really have a second honeymoon.

I feel as young tonight as I did 25 years ago.

I'll go get your coat, honey.

Now, don't you talk to any more girls.

I'll try not to.

Leaving so soon?

Oh, knock it off.

Oh,

wonderful, Sergeant. How can I ever thank you?

Just by being happy for the next 25 years. Oh, Ernie, you're sweet.

Now, hold it.

Now, Mr. Hall told me he liked each one of you individually and he wants me to

coach you each for a screen test.

Now, let me see. I'll take you Monday, you Tuesday, and you Wednesday. Oh, what

about me?

Oh, I forgot. Yes, Saturday.

Saturday? What about Thursday or Friday?

Oh, please.

I want to do some skiing, too.

Also seen in tonight's cast were T .J. Halligan as General Wade, Hope Sandsbury

as Mrs. Hall, Nick Saunders as Captain Parker, Virginia Martin as the waitress,

Sandu Scott as Marilyn, Marilyn Hanold as Lauren, and Vicki Taylor as Ava.

Ski Clothes by Norse House, New York.

Downs from Orbex.