Original subtitles

Hey, Dolby, my pants ready yet. I'm waiting for the iron to get hot. Hey,

do me a favor, will you? I've got to run to town. Be a pal. Make up my bunk.

Okay. Come on, Dolby. Now you're going to PX or not. He'll go in a minute. He

hasn't pressed my pants yet. Take it easy, Flashman. He'll be back in five

minutes. Hey, Dolby, you won't forget about making up the bunk, huh? Oh, I

forget, Dolby.

Hold it!

Let's go out here.

Dolby, do this. Dolby, do that. Since when has Dolby become everybody's

servant around here? Now, hear me.

Everybody.

This man is as important as anybody in this platoon. Is that understood?

There'll be no taking advantage of it. If you want something done, do it

yourself. Have you got that?

All right.

Gee, thanks, Sarge. Thanks for what? I'm just protecting your basic rights as a

human being.

You're a soldier, not a slave.

Right? Right.

Did you finish hiding my shirt yet?

Open it. I gave you over an hour ago.

But, Sarge, I had too many other things to do. I couldn't... Whose fault is

that? You've become a poor Cinderella around here.

Stand up to these guys. Remember that.

Now, if you put too much starch in my collar... Ernie, you're safe. The girls

are waiting. They don't wait. If they get a little anxious, they become more

cooperative. When those shirts are ready, bring them in, Doherty, okay?

Yes, master.

Be careful. You'll press my tie. Oh, do it yourself.

One thing I hate to see is one of my men taken advantage of.

New York Yankees 6, Washington Senators 2.

Hey, Ernie, we better go. It's late. I hear the moves. Do you mind?

Now for tonight's human interest story.

Lord and Lady Rockford arrived in San Francisco today to continue their long

search for their lost son and heir.

On a visit to America some 35 years ago, Lord and Lady Rockford's baby boy

mysteriously disappeared from his pram.

The search has continued to this day.

Reporter Don Martin interviewed Lord Rockford this afternoon in his hotel

Is it true, sir, that your missing son is the only heir to one of England's

greatest fortunes? Quite so. But more important, he'd be the next Lord

a direct descendant of the kings of England.

Don't she look familiar to you?

It's crazy, but she reminds me of Doberman. Shh, shh, shh. Tell me, Lord

Rockford, how do you suppose to identify your son?

After all, you haven't seen him in 35 years.

Well, my son Montague had a distinctive birthmark on his upper left arm.

And I assume there'd also be a strong family resemblance.

I'd know my baby boy anywhere. There, there, Victoria.

He was such a beautiful, healthy child.

Weighed 16 pounds at birth.

I'm offering the reward of $5 ,000 for information.

Well,

sir, I'm... Is it possible?

Is it possible? She looks like Doberman. And you heard what he said about a

strong family resemblance. And Doberman's the right age. That's

Why? Doberman only weighed 16 pounds at birth.

You know, Rocco, Doberman is a descendant of English kings.

It's incredible.

What's the matter, Ernie? I just remembered something.

Henry VIII was a slob, too.

If Doberman has that wrist mark on his left arm, we're in 5 ,000 bucks.

Come on, be sensible. All right, there's a resemblance. It's probably a

coincidence. Well, how do you know?

How do I know? How do I know? Are you forgetting one little detail?

Doberman's mother in Allentown?

So I said, hey, this mother, that's his aunt.

What? Yeah, Doberman was a foundling, and his aunt raised him.

A found thing? Are you sure? Well, he told me that once.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go looking for that birthmark.

Don't! Don't! I just finished finding it. I'll talk to you in a minute. Take

your jacket.

What for? Something I want to see. Don't ask.

What do you want? What do you want?

What do you want? All right, I'll take off your jacket.

Oh, Sarge, you're not going to start that stuff again, are you? What stuff?

About me taking a shower.

Sarge! Sarge!

This way, Sarge, and it'll work again. Now, let me see your left arm.

You left on to me.

I'm learning well.

Rude Britannia, Britannia.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic. What are you reading, then? I've just been looking into Lord

Rockford's financial standing.

In this book here, this is the English version of Dun & Bradstreet. Listen to

some of these holdings.

Mills in Birmingham, shipping fleets and distilleries in Scotland.

Real estate, London.

A 52 -room ancestral castle under 10.

Wow. Just think. All of this is going to belong to Doberman and his friends

someday. But wait a minute, Ernie. Even if Doberman is the missing heir, that

doesn't mean he's going to share it with you. Who cares?

All I know is I'm going to realize my lifelong ambition to be the business

manager to a millionaire who can't count.

Ernie! I'm having a lot of trouble with him. Oh, can't you handle anything,

Rocco?

and take a shower.

What? Why?

Because someday you're going to sit in the House of Lords.

If it was the House of Commons, I wouldn't mind.

I don't want to be royalty. I want to be just plain private double. Now, listen

to me, your Lordship.

Sarge, you have to call me your Lordship. Yes, I want you to get used to

get used to another thing. Let me see that trout bearing.

Shoulders erect.

Aristocratic looking.

Is this any better? Yes, your Lordship.

Take a bath, sir.

Now, Blaine, listen to me. Next day or two, you're going to meet your parents

for the first time.

Now, this is very important. They haven't seen you in 35 years. I want you

make a good impression.

If they're my parents, they'll accept me the way I am.

Once they look at you, they may not know what you are.

Try to get this through your thick royal skull.

Your parents are loaded. They've got money in shillings, pounds, American

all kind of money. And the biggest joy in life they can have is to put this

money in your lap.

Now, are you going to deny the sweet old couple in the twilight of their life

the one true chance for happiness?

Okay, Sarge, I'll do it. That's the spirit you're launching.

Rocco, hose them down real good.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know. We'll work on them tonight, and tomorrow we'll take them to

Francisco to meet his parents.

What do you think is going to happen when they meet face to face?

I don't know. All I know is Mother Love is going to get its severest test.

Now, you know what to do? I think so. What is your name?

Montague, Lord Rockford. Fine, and remember, when you meet your parents,

affectionate, but with that certain English reserve, okay? Okay. Well, here

goes.

Now, remember, when you kiss your mother, don't slobber all over her.

Yes?

You'll have to excuse his informality, you see. He's been away from the mother

country too long.

I assume you are here to be interviewed.

Interviewed, my dear man? This is a gala family reunion.

And do me a favor, don't announce us. We want this to be a surprise.

I'm sorry, that's quite impossible.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Wait? Why, this poor lad has been waiting 35

years to see his parents.

Yes, that's what they all say. All? What do you mean, all? There are at least

ten other gentlemen ahead of you.

Why, this is outrageous. These men are obviously impostors.

Impostors? I say, old man, are you insinuating that I'm a fraud?

Oh, come off it, pal. Who do you think of kidding in that rented tuxedo?

How dare?

He's probably got torn underwear underneath the tuxedo.

Okay, you're asking for a fat lip.

Carpenter! Here, hear your archer. This is way beneath you.

Corporals, are we to stand by while British Royalty is harassed?

By unscrupulous fortune hunters?

Of course not. Then do your duty. You're nothing but a... Your name, please. Who

are you? Who am I? Did you think that British royalty would come to San

Francisco without proper protection from the United States government? You have

your security clearance with you? Security clearance? I don't have any.

out. Out!

See that this man does not enter the hotel without a written permit from the

or the Bureau of Immigration.

Your name, please. I have reason to believe that I am Montague Rothman. Uh

A Romanian.

Out. Out.

Unless you mean real good.

Now, you are well aware that the penalty in the United States for fraud and

misrepresentation is ten years in a federal prison.

Now, unless you are absolutely sure you are the missing son of Lord Rockford,

you will leave now and save the government the cost of an expensive

Carpal, I'm sure you've seen these men leave in an oddly fashion.

Don't take pictures. It's their first offense. Out, out, out. Move, move.

fashion. Out, out. That's the way to do it.

What now?

Call the whole thing off. You like this? I finally got my foot in the Bank of

England. He wants to call the whole thing off. I don't. Listen to me. Listen

me, good.

I've known you for ten years. You've always been a poor slob. Are you going

chicken out when you finally got a chance to be a wealthy slob?

Lord Rockford will see you now. Oh, splendid. You better hear your lordship.

This might be a shock to them. I'll prepare them for the emotional upheaval.

Why, Lord Rockford.

And Lady Rockwood won't bless your heart. I'd know you anywhere.

Have we met before?

No, but I've known your son for 15 years and there's a marked resemblance. My

son? You know my son? No, no, no, Victoria. Don't get your hopes up.

I'm sorry, Sergeant. We've had so many disappointments. Well, I have definite

proof that your long search has finally ended. But how can you be sure that it's

our boy? He has a birthmark on his upper left arm. And I discovered that he was

found in Allentown, Pennsylvania, 35 years ago. Allentown, Pennsylvania?

Why, Lady Rockford and I were in Philadelphia when our son wandered away

his governors. We haven't seen him since.

Where is he, Sergeant? Where is he? I'm sure I know my baby boy, even after all

these years.

Come, Lord Montague.

Your mum and daddy are waiting.

As you can see, he's lost some of the baby fat. Some of the stately little

friends.

Well, I had a little doubt before, but now seeing you three together, I am

definitely sure.

Why, he has the same noble rock for partying. The same rock for chins. The

standing of an aristocrat.

What do you think, Victoria?

Easily dropped. We're all innocent. Can't look like that.

We've so much lost time to make up for.

Yes, darling.

Oh,

dear, dear, ma 'am, don't cry. The three of you are all together now.

Sergeant, we're terribly grateful to you for your help. in finding our dear son.

Oh, please say no more. I find it very gratifying to get the three of you

together. More gratifying than a $5 ,000 reward.

Oh, yes. I'll send you a check tomorrow.

Oh, the lot of you who think I was prompting you. However, I am staying at

Cliff Hotel. Well, cheerio to all of you. You've got a fine boy there, Lord

Rockford. A little rough around the edges, but the army life you understand.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll hire the finest English tutors. They'll transform him into a polished

English nobleman in no time at all. Oh, splendid, splendid. That is the Cliff

Hotel. I'll tell you about to write that down.

How do you do, my lord?

Sherman. We'll continue our lesson tomorrow.

Hey, Toby, you look great. You ever seen anything so elegant? How do you feel?

Quite well, thank you.

Hey, you watch if I got a great idea. Why don't you borrow a few pounds from

Peter tonight and we'll do the town, right?

I think not.

I'm sorry if I seem a bit stupid. Duffy, Sergeant, but the idea of you and I

being seen together in public will never do.

I don't understand.

Surely you must realize that there's a rather wide social gulf between us.

I see you're pulling my leg. That's a good joke. Quite serious, old bean. Now,

if you'll excuse me, I must join Mater and Patron in the drawing room.

It's almost time for tea.

Oh, wait a minute, Dwayne. Do you mind?

Surely you must realize that's all in the past.

and the butler will show you out to the servant section.

Cheer up, sir.

I'll tell him. Come on, Ernie, take it easy. Don't make a scene. I need to do

some of the 50 million bucks and he gives me a cheerio?

Give him a few days, Ernie. Maybe he'll change his mind. A few days? A few days

ago he was ironing my shirts, doing my laundry.

Oh, no.

Suddenly we're not buddies? I don't understand this, pal.

I ain't going to get away with this. I ain't going to let 50 million bucks slip

through my fingers so easily, pal. Don't forget about it, Sarge. There's nothing

you can do about it now. Oh, yes, there is. You got an idea already, Sarge? Sure

have, pal.

Beautiful blonde.

At the spirit, Sarge. Forget Doberman. Oh, shut up. What's the plan, Ernie?

look. We may have lost our connection with the future Lord Rockford.

What's to stop us from getting in good with the future Lady Rockford?

Huh? Now, look.

Doberman never had a real date in his life.

When the word gets out about this loot, he's going to become very popular

suddenly. He's a cinch to marry the first name who shows any interest in

Yeah, but what's in it for you?

If you were a young lady suddenly introduced to 50 million bucks, would

grateful to the matchmaker?

I'm used to your shady deals, Ernie, but this one's pitch black. Ah, knock it

off. Hey, Sarge, who's the girl? My old pal, Dixie.

But you can't make her Lady Rockford. She's a stripper. So what was Lady

Now, let me get this straight, Vilko.

You want me to meet this friend of yours, huh?

Yeah, object matrimony.

Thanks a lot, but I ain't interested in getting married, especially to a friend

of yours.

Now, wait a second, Dixie. Don't be hasty. You and Monty were meant for each

other. What does he look like?

Well, he's very interesting, you know, very warm, very lovable.

I get it.

Short, fat, and repulsive. He's worth 50 million bucks.

He sounds divine.

Oh, Dixie, you're hopeless romantic.

All right, don't be a wise guy, Vilko.

Furl, that's the easiest way to make a living, you know.

I had pneumonia twice last year.

Don't blame me, baby. Believe me, my heart goes out to you girls in

Let's get down to cases.

Is this guy really loaded?

Look, not only will he inherit half of England, but a title as well.

You may be the next Grace Kelly.

What kind of title? You may be known as Lady Rockford.

Lady Rockford?

Say, that ain't bad.

But, Dixie, you play ball with me and you have twirled your last tassel.

Well, we'll discuss that little matter right before the ceremony.

What makes you think he'll go for me?

You kidding?

This joker was the president of the Marjorie Maine fan club.

What are your eyes on?

Sarge, Sarge, he's on his way down. I told him we were going back to the camp.

We just wanted to say goodbye. Good, good.

Now, look, you know what to do. Here he comes, Sarge. Where, where?

That's him in the doorway.

You sure you've got 50 million bucks? I'm positive.

Well, okay, but if it's one cent less, I'm beating it.

Oh, yes, Your Lordship. We were going back to camp. We just thought we'd say

goodbye. Oh, come on, old boy. That wasn't absolutely necessary.

Well, I thought the police... Please, if you don't mind, you belong to an

interlude in my life that I find in very poor taste.

Your Lordship, I'd like you to meet a very dear friend of mine. This is Miss

Dixie Nassel. I think you should meet each other. This is Lord Montague, Lord

Rockford. Glad to meet you, Lord.

Oh, your Lordship, please don't look at me like that.

With all your dash and all that money.

Oh, Dixie, please, honey, don't look at him that way. I know I'm just a poor

little sergeant, but you mean all the world to me.

Oh, it's hopeless. The last time I saw this look in her eye is when she met Ali

Khan. He likes her. She'll break the spell.

better than to interrupt me when I'm counting money?

Is it $5 ,000 for the reward plus, say, 25 % of Dixie's take?

Split three ways? Split it two ways. I don't want any part of it. I've had it.

I've had it. All right, Frank Merriwell, out with it. What's bugging you? This

time you went too far.

It's criminal throwing Doberman in the same tank with that barracuda. Somebody

else would be worse. Well, at least I can handle. Well, how do you think Lord

and Lady Rockford are going to feel when they find a stripteaser in the family?

Look, they accept the Doberman. They'll accept anybody.

Still not right.

Yeah? It's right for him to turn his back on me after 15 years of friendship?

I did, your lordship? Your lordship? Oh, Sarge, that's just for around the

house. We're old friends.

We are? Come on, sit down, Dobby.

Sarge, I want to apologize.

Even though I'm of royal blood, we're still buddies.

We are?

Sarge, you're not sore because I took Dixie away from you. Oh, those things

can't be helped. What can you do? The girl's madly in love with you.

You know, Sarge, I got a surprise for you. What?

We're going to get married.

No. Yeah, Dixie proposed to me last night.

Congratulations, Dixie.

so let me hurry out.

You know, Sarge, she's not interested in my money or my title.

She loves me for myself.

Oh, gee, that's swell.

Say, Sarge, I want you to be our best man.

Well, I'd be honored.

Look, I'm introducing you to Mater and Pater this afternoon.

I'd be glad to have you come.

Yeah, I'll be there. I'll be glad to. Well, Sarge, I'm off to buy an

ring. You know, Dixie has made me the happiest man in the world, and I owe it

all to you.

Thanks again.

Well, good luck, Dobby.

It worked. It worked.

We're in. And then after they're married, Dixie will fleece them out of

Yeah. And then we get our cut. Then we're rolling in Luke.

See, I've got to hand it to you, Sarge. You're a financial wizard.

Why don't you shut up?

What's the matter, Ernie? Isn't this what you wanted?

A bleach bandit will take everything he's got and then she'll break his

How do I do a thing like this? Why don't you stand still and let me do it? Well,

it's still not too late to stop it.

You're right.

If I talk Dixie into this, I'll talk her right out of it if I have to use a

club.

and give him up for at least two weeks.

Oh, Dixie, don't do this to me. Don't ruin both our lives.

What are you trying to pull, Bilko?

Well, Dixie, I see I'll have to level with you. I never realized how much you

meant to me until I find you're going with another. Oh, Dixie, I'm hopelessly

love with you.

Hopeless is right.

Oh, come, think of it, Dixie. Think twice. Think of all the fun we've had

together, all the things we've shared.

What things?

We had chop suey together exactly twice, and I paid both times.

Dixie, I need you.

You don't need me. You need a psychiatrist.

Will you excuse me? I've got to go meet my future in -law.

Look, Sarge, why don't you level with Doberman? Tell him what the score is.

can't do that. For the first time in his life, Doberman thinks a girl is really

in love with him. If we tell him it was a set -up, it would destroy him. You'd

better think of something fast. She's on her way to see his parents. I know it.

His parents.

That's it.

Doberman's a good boy. He wouldn't marry without his parents' consent.

Pay the check, I'll see you later.

Sergeant, I'm terribly glad you're here. We need your help. What's wrong?

They've located our son in Philadelphia.

Oh, wait a minute. That's impossible.

I just left him 15 minutes ago. Oh, no, no, Sergeant. That was an unfortunate

case of mistaken identity.

Private Doberman is not our son, after all.

Here, read this telegram. It explains everything.

The fingerprints match, the blood type checks, birthmark, everything.

Holy smokes.

This leaves no room for doubt, does it? None whatsoever.

Oh, I wish we knew how we could break the news to Private Doberman. Oh, he's

been so sweet.

Sergeant, perhaps you could handle this for us. Quite honestly, I haven't.

Where is he now? Well, he'll be here at any moment.

All right. You better get out that door. I'll take care of it. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. I'll do my very best.

Hello,

Sarge. Where's my friend?

Come in, Dwayne. Sit down.

I'm afraid I got some bad news for you.

What's wrong?

Dollar was all a mistake.

Yes, sir, a mistake. You're not.

Mind you, Lord Rockford.

Not? No, I'm afraid you're going to have to go back to being just plain, private

Dwayne Doberman.

Well, I know it was too good to be true.

What? Say, lovey?

I must say you're taking it well.

Why not? I still have Dixie. You what?

She told me she's not interested in money. It's me that she's in love with.

said that?

Yeah, she said it was animal magnetism.

You love her?

Oh, my heart.

Well, then I'm afraid you'll have to give her up. Give her up?

The only decent thing to do. She's a lovely, beautiful thing.

Now, could she live on your private salary? Do you want to see her scrubbing

floors, doing dishes?

Do you want to see her grow old and withered right before your very eyes?

Gee, I never thought of that. Well, think of it now. And if you really love

then you'll have to give her up. It's a far better thing to do.

But, George, what am I going to tell her? She's mad about me. Well, tell her

found someone else. It'll devastate her for a few years, but she'll get over it.

Well, I know it must be done.

Good job.

Dixie Darcelle.

Monty, sweetheart, how are you, baby?

My dear, if you have questions, there's something I must tell you.

It's all over between us.

What? There's somebody else. Sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Wait a minute. What are you trying to say? Who do you think you're talking to?

No tears, my dear. It's just one of those things. And now may I hold you for

last time before I say goodbye? No, wait a minute.

My lousy luck.

Oh, your luck will change, Dixie. You may not think so now, but there are

men in this world.

Goodbye.

Thanks for nothing, Bilko. Oh, the poor girl. She's taking it so badly.

I'm proud of you, pal. Let's get back to camp. You did this beautifully. James

Mason couldn't have handled it better.

It's your idea, Sarge, and I'm so thankful.

You can count on me any time, pal.

Sarge, when did I ever... do to deserve a pal like you?

I don't know, but don't do it again.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jane Keene as Dixie, Ronald Long as Lord

Rockford, Lucy Landau as Lady Rockford, and George Turner as the butler.