Original subtitles

Hey,

hey, Paparelli, take it easy, all right?

So, treat it lovingly. This is not the Colonel's Jeep you're working on. This

mine. Don't worry, guys. I got it all worked out. Listen to the old Sarge. All

finished, Sarge. Good boy.

Hey, Sarge, it's the first time I ever put a secret compartment on a Jeep. Will

you shut up? You built it. Now forget it.

Okay, Sarge. All right, where is it? What?

The secret compartment.

I forget.

Jerry, tell me you never forget. Well, it's right between where the axle on the

brake drum used to be.

Used to be?

Well, you've got to give up something, Sarge. Yeah, but not my life. I'll just

have to drive more carefully.

Gee, Ernie, I can't even see it. Yeah, that means the MPs won't be able to see

it either.

Ow! Did you screw it on good and tight, Fender? Sarge, you could put a live bomb

in there without worrying. Yeah, but I'm carrying what's more dangerous than a

bomb. Full layout. Gambling equipment, pal. Chuck -a -lock cage.

Roulette wheel. Slot machine. Hey, maybe I'd better get under and wipe my

fingerprints off. Lou, what are you worried about? If I get caught with this

stuff in the Jeep, I can get ten years from the automobile club alone.

He says we're to pick up the gambling equipment at Spencer's Candy Store.

Spencer and Omi, will you give me the equipment? Well, you have to use a

password. Now, when you walk in, all you have to do is ask Spencer for a jumbo

double -rich butter pecan malted with marshmallow syrup.

Would you like this password?

Some fat kid could walk in for a snack and walk away with $200 worth of

gambling.

Ted! Ted!

At ease, Bilko. I've been looking all over camp for you. Looking for me? So

here's where I am. This is where I work, sir. I know.

That's why it's the last place I usually look.

There's something I want you to do for me.

Lance, well, sir, I was going into town to get a malt, and I developed this

terrible... Yes, sir, there's plenty of time for malts. Now, if you rush, you

can just catch that next bus to town.

Bus? Well, sir, my Jeep is here. It's ready to go.

You won't need a Jeep, Bilko. I want you to go to the Grove City Motor Company

and pick up my new car.

I just got a call that it arrived today. New car, sir?

Yes, it's one of those small foreign cars.

Oh, I see. You want me to pick it up from the dealers and drive it back to

sir? Oh, it'll be a pleasure, sir. That's the more for it, sir. Excuse me.

one time, may I stop at the... I can't, sir. I promised the boys I'd bring back

some goodies, sir. Yes, but hurry, Bilko. I've waited a long time for this.

is so sweet, sir.

Sarge, what about those... Gee, Bilko, sir, you've given me a sweet tooth. As

long as you're going to the candy store, will you bring me back a jumbo, double

-rich, butter -pecan malted with marshmallow syrup? Hey, Sarge, it's...

know.

That's the special for the day. We'd better hurry before they're all out of

them, sir. Put the car in my garage, Bilko. Yes, sir.

Come on, let's get the bus and get out of here.

Sarge, aren't you going to use the Jeep with the secret compartment? I don't

have to. I got the colonel's car now. They'll never think of searching that.

Yeah, but what if they do search the colonel's car and find the gambling

equipment? How are they going to find, you know, these new little foreign cars?

They can't even find the motor.

Get

the

stuff in here quick. Come on, move it. Gee, what an action, Sarge. Who would

ever think of looking in here?

Close the door. Let's go in and pay for this stuff and get out of here. Come on.

Hey, there's one of those little foreign cars. Hey, they're supposed to be

great. Some give you up to 40 miles on the gallon. No kidding.

I wonder what kind of a motor she's got. Well, let's take a look. Hey, what are

you doing? The motor's back here. These cars are different. They're not like

ours. See?

Hey, that's great.

Well, then what's in the front? Probably the trunk. I told you they're

different. They reverse everything. They change it around. See?

Holy mackerel. Look what's in here. Hey, if this is a foreign car, it must have

come from Monte Carlo.

Someone must have smuggled it and smuggled it to the state. Hey, maybe

our chance to crack the Johnny Scorpio gambling ring. Yeah.

Let's get in the car.

Taxi. Taxi.

One of those cute little foreign cars.

It doesn't happen to be yours, does it?

Mine? Why?

Is it parked illegally?

It's illegal, all right. Oh, perhaps the owner doesn't know our customs and

forgot to put a dime in the meter. I'll do it for you. You didn't happen to see

him, did you? Well, I was inside having a malted... But I did see somebody get

out of the car, but I didn't see him too well. Now, try and think. Was he tall?

Yes, yes, he was tall. Hey, that rules out Johnny Scorpio. He was short. Oh,

wait a minute. Maybe this fellow was short. You see, standing alongside of

car, anyone would look tall.

Johnny Scorpio has a scar.

Did this guy have a scar, soldier? Which side? Left or right? Left side. Left

side. That's right.

Congratulations, officers. We got an all -points alarm on John Scorpio. Report

that we found his car loaded with gambling equipment.

I'll stay here and nab him in case he comes back. Right.

Officers, now, what's going to happen to this cute little car? Well, we'll just

hold it for evidence and then we catch Johnny Scorpio.

How long will that be?

May take months. May take years.

But we'll catch him.

and getting through the gate? No trouble. I just walked right through.

What happened, Sarge? Where's the equipment, Sarge? Yeah, where's the

It's in the police parking lot.

Police parking?

You mean you got caught?

The colonel's car got caught. We got away.

What are you going to tell the colonel? I'll sleep on it. Well, you better take

a fast nap now because here comes the colonel. As you were, men.

On my way to my garage.

Tell me, how did she ride?

Oh, beautifully, sir, for the first seven feet. But when she left the

sir, she broke down.

Broke down?

It's a brand new car.

Well, it's not the car's fault, sir. It's my French. You see, sir, I thought

recherche meant radio, but it means reverse.

And before the music started, well, it crashed back into the showroom, sir.

You wrecked my new car?

Oh, no, sir. Just the bumper. The salesman said they'll replace it, sir.

why didn't you wait for it?

Well, sir, the sailor said they had to send to France for the spare bumper,

But he promised me faithfully, sir, it should be here by Vendredi.

Vendredi? Excuse me, sir, that means Friday.

However, if the plane has tailwinds, it should be here by Mercredi, sir.

I should have gone for that car myself.

Perhaps you should have bought an Italian car, sir. Then Paperelli could

picked it up without any trouble at all, sir. Well, Bilko, I want to see that

car in my garage by Friday morning. Oui, oui, sir.

Oh, you see, I'm practicing already, sir.

Well, Pierre, what are we going to do now?

Yeah, it's a cinch. We ain't going to get that other car back from the police.

Yeah.

Watch out.

Ernie's thinking.

I'm thinking. I'm worrying.

Remember,

necessity is the mother of invention.

In that case, this must be Mother's Day.

Well, look, we've got to think of something.

What am I worried about? We got everything we want right here.

Machinery, parts, tools.

Of course, Ernie. That's it. We build a printing press and we counterfeit the $1

,900.

Look, if I get a car, stay out of my way.

Printing press.

We're not building a printing press. Pass now. We're going to build a kind of

new foreign car.

Why? You think we're going to build a car here?

Why not? This is a motor pool.

We got expert mechanics.

We're in trouble.

Mullen, Pat Raleigh, Fender.

Slip down the Jeep. You're going to make a French foreign car out of an American

Jeep? Why not?

Hildegard comes from Milwaukee.

He's going to be thrilled with what he sees. It's going to have the sweep of a

Jaguar, the power of a Ferrari, and the dignity of a Mercedes.

Bernie, that's brilliant.

Thinking of it isn't brilliant. Doing it for 17 bucks, that's brilliant.

It's fond of thee. Friday.

Oh, yes, the car.

Now, now, the car's here.

Oh, when you see it, sir, you'll be the envy of the open road.

Listen to that. Doesn't it sound like little old Gabriel?

Here she comes.

What's this?

That's your car, sir.

Well, that isn't what I... No, it isn't, sir. But may I say you're a very lucky

man. You're the first man in this country to have next year's model.

Next year's model? Oh, yes. Why, even the doll hasn't gotten his yet.

Next year's model. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, you know, the bumper. They were

bringing over something. Well, the Allies wouldn't transport it. They

bumper, so to speak. And I wouldn't have any more delays. I insisted on the

newest model, sir.

Well, I don't know.

What's the horsepower, Bilko? Six feet.

Same as the Jeep.

Of course, that's a lot of power for a little car. You know where the power

comes from? If you just follow me here, sir, you notice these spins? It gives it

a sweep, sir. A transaction. Why does it say Essex here?

No, Mrs. Dahl, you're pronouncing it wrong.

The French pronunciation is Essex, meaning six cylinders.

Well, why don't you take it to the street in the open road, sir?

Oh, John.

Could we go for a ride?

All right. Well, I'll have to get my jacket. Good idea. You might as well

up nice and comfy, you know, these farm cows go digging.

Good luck, Sergeant.

Jerry, who left that Essex on there? You could have lost up the whole deal.

Hey, look, Ernie. Here comes the Colonel's car, the real one.

Let me do the talking.

Is this Colonel Hall's house?

Oh, hello there, Sergeant.

Have we met? Of course. You picked this car up the other day in my showroom.

I did?

I don't know what happened, but the police called me this morning to come

and identify the car. It seems it was stolen by some gamblers and then

in front of a cigar store.

Candy store. That's right.

You see, I have a shortwave radio set in my room. I listen to the police calls

at night. Well, they traced the car to me, and now I'm delivering it to Colonel

Hall. Oh, well, I'm the Colonel's personal chauffeur. I'll take care of it

here, and it's awfully nice of you to take this trouble. Thank you, sir. Thank

you, Sergeant.

Say, that's an interesting car.

What is it?

It's a new foreign car, next year's model. Oh, next year's model of what?

Well, we haven't decided yet.

And I can't keep track of these foreign cars.

But I'll tell you one thing. Whoever manufactured this car will make a

A fortune?

You really think so? Certainly. Today in America, you can't miss with a small

economical car.

Well, goodbye, Sergeant. Goodbye.

Here, take this homemade model. Get out of here. I'll take it back to the motor

pool, quick. Are we going to scrap this, son? You're not going to make a fortune

with this. Get in there. Don't let the boys see it. I got great plans for this

car. I'll tell you when I see it. Get out of here, quick.

Well, we're all ready.

There it is.

What's that?

Surprise, son. This is your car.

Well, Lex, this year's car. I want next year's model.

respond to the floor in that model, sir. You see, it gets only two miles to a

gallon. Two miles? Yes, you can hardly get from gasoline station to gasoline

station, sir. But this is it, and it's good news because this year's model is

going to be next year's model, too. Come on, sir. Get in there and give it a

spin. Gentlemen,

don't you understand I'm offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance

get in on the ground floor.

Sarge, are you crazy?

Manufacturing cars like that, who's going to buy it?

gonna buy all America.

The craze today is for small cars.

Now, come on. Who's gonna buy the first block of shares?

How much are the shares?

How much you got?

Twelve dollars?

Put this man down for twelve shares.

If you hold on to that stock, I hear it's gonna split. Come on, boys. Who's

next?

Come on, use your foresight. I'm using my eyesight, and I can see there ain't

nobody gonna buy that.

Okay, all of you who are not interested in making money, listen to him. Those of

you who are interested in making money, listen to me.

Don't you understand?

A $10 investment in the original Ford company will be worth $5 million today.

Then I'll buy 10 shares.

Good. Afford notice.

Manufacturing these cars, Sarge, will cost a fortune.

I don't understand. With the orders we get, I take that money and use it for

manufacturing the cars. All I need is a couple of hundred dollars to open a

showroom and start some publicity.

What are you going to call the car, Sarge? It's got to have a classy name.

And it should sound foreign. You're right.

And here it is, gentlemen. May I present the new Arrivederci.

Arrivederci? That means goodbye.

Yeah, and that'll be our slogan. An Arrivederci is a goodbye in any

In the old country.

Ask for a demonstration.

Very good. Rocco, put that in the window.

Hey, Ernie, we'd better start getting some customers fast. You know, we only

enough dough to rent this store for three days. Three days with my

that's all I need, pal.

Besides, look, there's a couple of customers looking in. I'll open up the

for them. Leave the door alone.

That's the way you sell foreign cars. Ignore the customers. Make them want

Yeah, I don't get it. It's called snob appeal. You know what I mean? Make them

feel they're lucky to get one of your cars. Like you're doing them a favor.

Don't look at them.

Good afternoon.

Antonio, I'll be in my office. But I beg your pardon. May I see you for a

moment, please? What is it about?

Well, we'd like to see the car.

Well, there it is. You've seen it. Now, do you mind?

Antonio, in my office. But we might be interested in buying a Rivadeci.

Would you tell us something about it? Really? Well, will you tell me something

about yourself first?

And be very careful with who we sell the car to, you see. We're very

discriminating about our customers.

After all, we wouldn't want the Arabideci parked in front of a

would we?

I'm a lawyer.

You can't sell the car so you can chase ambulance, is it? Oh, no. No, thank you.

When the pasta comes, I'm in the... No, no, no. No, you don't have to.

You don't have to. Stanton, I'm a corporation lawyer, and this is my wife.

Indeed, we'll check on that, you know. What is it, Mr. and Mrs. John Smith from

some convention?

Never knew that so I was made. What did he ever say?

Now, who?

Who recommended you to me? We saw your sign.

Where is this? Rome, Venice?

In the window. Oh, yes, the localizing. The most unusual localizing. Isn't she a

dear thing? How much is it? Please, don't discuss money with me, Martin. My

attendants will take care of you in that matter. Oh, I'm so sorry. Of course,

the money doesn't really mean anything, but I do like the car, and I think I'll

take one. Of course you will, but I haven't decided whether I'll take you.

Well, that... How are you, Mr. Smith? He does look like a good son. Are you

happy with him?

I'll take a chance on you. My instincts tell me you'll be all right. I'll take

the risk. Now, you fill out the application with one of my attendants

a generous deposit.

Take care of the gentleman.

I'll give you a check right now. Please, I ask you. Never to speak money to me,

my Antonio.

When the provolone comes, I'll be my own.

Seven, eight, nine. Not bad for one day's work. Nine orders, pal.

Hey, look at this, Sarge. Look at all these checks. We got enough money now to

start production.

Hey, look, Ernie. Why don't we call it quits now? We're going to have our hands

full at the motor pool making eight more of these. Look, pal, we may just have

to take over another motor pool. Do you mind?

Pull down the shape. Hold it. Hold it.

There's a distinguished looking type out there. Give him a double O. He looks

like the Arab -Adechi type. I'll give him a break. I'll be easy on him. Move

Good afternoon.

Do I have an appointment with you? No, I just dropped in.

I'm a sports car enthusiast, and I was interested in your car.

Indeed. Could you tell me something about its speed and maneuverability?

Of course I could, but not as well as last year's winner of the Grand Prix

could. Prince Paparelli, I'll fetch him.

He's telling you that in first gear.

This, of course, is second gear. You understand.

Here's the third gear. I don't have to.

Now, do you realize our plan for that?

What? No.

150 miles an hour.

That's remarkable for such a small car. Yes, we do. Why hadn't I heard of the

Arrivederci? Well, that's part of our publicity campaign. So we spent over a

million dollars a year keeping it.

We can only spend half of these cars a month, you understand.

May I see the motor?

My own. It's a motor.

Si.

Grazie. Grazie.

There you have it.

Very interesting motor. Looks very much like the motor in a jeep. Did you say

cheap? May I inform you this is one of the most expensive motors there are? I

didn't say cheap. I said a jeep. A jeep. A jeep.

A jeep. A jeep. A jeep. A jeep. Oh, and a horn.

No jeep jeep. Beep beep. No, no.

Beeps are used by the American army.

Have you ever seen one?

Thousands of them. You see, I'm a colonel in the United States Army.

We've got to screen our customers more carefully from now on. Let's get back to

the camp and start production.

Hey, Ernie, look, we've got enough money for the spare parts now, but what about

the motors?

We'll just have to get ten more Jeeps. Sergeant, if we buy ten more Jeeps, what

happens to our profit?

Who said bye?

I get the colonel to condemn ten Jeeps, the army says goodbye to them, and wants

to goodbye me to us?

I'll leave it there, sir.

I'm in.

My colonel sent for me, sir. Yes, Belko, I've been going over this list of motor

pool requisitions.

There must be some mistake here.

Mistake, sir? Yes. You couldn't possibly have ordered hairpins and chewing gum.

Oh, did they come, sir?

They come.

You mean you want hairpins and chewing gum? What for? For the jeeps, sir.

Bilko, would you mind telling me what you're talking about? Oh, I'm sure this

will work, sir, but if it doesn't, I'm determined to keep them rolling, sir, if

I have to use rubber bands and toothpicks. But I'll keep trying, sir.

Keep trying.

I had no idea our jeeps were in such a condition.

Oh, sir, I thought you knew. I thought that's why you got your own little cute

foreign car.

You see, the rest of us walk whenever it's possible, sir. How many jeeps are

this condition? Ten.

I counted them this morning, sir. Ten jeeps. But I wouldn't condemn them, sir.

Who said anything about condemning them?

Certainly not I, sir. The men are soldiers. They're supposed to take

risks. I'll go down to the motor pool and see what I can do. Oh, Sergeant

thank heavens I found you. I think we have a mutiny on our hands. Talk about

better. Let's not bother the colonel. Wait a minute. Come in here. I want to

hear what this is about. Hold it a minute. The colonel wants to hear what

is about.

What, sir?

I ordered Private Zimmerman to take the company jeep and pick up the mail. And

he blatantly refused.

Blatant?

Zimmerman! Why did you refuse, Private Zimmerman?

Sir, I dreamed of dying on a battlefield, not on the side of a road.

Private Zimmerman, you can't get killed picking up the mail.

In that Jeep, you can get killed just blowing the horn.

You're lying.

You're lying.

Don't tell me about it. We had that wiring fixed on the defective horn. And

don't start discussing brakes, either. That Scot's tape will hold for days.

Well, why did you have to use that Jeep?

Couldn't you use some other jeep? Private Zimmerman? Which one, sir? It's

Russian roulette. Any one of them could be loaded.

Get me a volunteer to pick up the mail.

Preferably an unmarried man. Out! Out!

I haven't seen such fear in a man's face since the war.

Oh, I know what you mean.

And save the men, sir. But if I could just have something to work with.

Paperclips. Anything.

Oh, may I speak to you a moment, sir? They're bothering the Colonel today.

What is this? What happened to these men?

We'd like you to straighten out a legal problem for us, sir.

Private Mullen and Corporal Fender here want to sue the Army for a quarter of a

million dollars, and I claim they can't. Sue the Army? What for?

Forcing us to ride in those Jeeps. The Colonel said enough about Jeeps today.

Sue the Army, indeed.

What happened?

Well, sir, Mullen and I were delivering the company loan. The next thing we

knew, we were in the Fremont River.

In the river?

Is the bridge out? No, sir. The bridge was in. The steering wheel came out.

I've got a case for that. I'm talking to something out of court. Hope he's fair,

fellas. They can't sue the army, Bilko.

Still, I don't like to see my men getting hurt.

Clark, we'll get a jeep and get these men over to the hospital. Yes. We've got

to go in that jeep again. Drive us to the Mullen house.

We've got to go to the Mullen house all day long. Out!

Sir, I know what you think, but please believe me, sir. Ten bad jeeps don't

a whole rotten motor pool, sir. I'll go down and see what I can... Hello?

Just a minute. It's for you, Bilko.

Hello, Bilko here.

What?

All of them?

Oh, no.

What happened, Bilko? Well, what happened to the jeep? Where was it?

On top of the other jeeps?

Did you find what the call was at the motor?

Can't you check the motor?

What? It's down at the bottom of the ravine?

What happened, Bilko? Why don't you go and get a bus and get those men to a

hospital?

You can't fool them. Why?

All that, the ball.

Oh, so the men of my... I don't want to hear what happened, Belko. Condemn those

jeeps. It was just sinusoidal condemning ten jeeps.

Never mind, Belko.

I'll go.

Corporal Martin, you haven't been killed, have you?

Corporal Martin, send me a requisition for ten new jeeps and issue this order

the post.

Everyone walks until further notice.

Come in.

This is a surprise.

What are you doing in town, Tom?

Oh, I just came into Grove City with the missus to do some shopping. Oh, sit

down. Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Jack.

Say, Jack.

Yeah? That little French car outside, is that yours?

Yes, I just bought it. That's funny. I almost bought a new foreign car myself

today. You don't say. What kind?

An Arrivederci.

Never heard of it. What's it like? Well, it's an Italian car with real

continental lines, but the motor looks just like it needs.

Did you buy it?

No, it seems they're pretty hard to get. The salesman said they make only ten of

them a month.

Sir, here's the requisition for the ten new Jeeps. Thank you. We're having a

little trouble in the motor pool.

We need ten new Jeeps. It seems the other ten just suddenly fell apart.

What did you say the motor looked like?

Jeeps.

What's wrong, Jack?

I don't know until you answer this next question. What did the salesman look

like? He was a fast -talking fellow. He was tall, he wore glasses, and he was

bald.

Corporal Martin, clear up that requisition and bring me a court

I think I'll go and take a look at that ribbed air chief. But the showroom is

closed. I know, but the factory is open.

Take it easy, Sarge. This ain't for the army. This is free enterprise.

We're guaranteed our rights by the United Auto Workers of America.

You're guaranteed nothing. This is an Italian car.

Wait. Wait.

Yes, come here. It's a criminal. Put that down. Quick. Quick. Come on.

Lecture position.

Now, you fellas remember this. You know how I feel about government property.

It's ours to use and not to abuse.

I want six. Yes.

At ease.

At ease, man.

Bilko, don't let me disturb you. Keep right on with what you were doing.

What is there to do, sir? We were just sitting around waiting for the new jeeps

to come, sir.

Really? From outside, it sounded like a factory going full blast.

Oh, well, what's under that canvas?

What canvas, sir? I see only one canvas here, Velko. Oh, so that's one of the

condemned jeeps. Out of respect, we'd cover the poor broken thing up. We want

her to remember how she was in her prime.

Really? Will you mind if I take one last look at the body?

Oh, do you think you should, sir? I can take it, Belko.

Hmm, that's interesting. Do you always put white wall tires on a car that

sending to the junkyard?

It's just a touch of sentiment, sir. We wanted to send her out with dignity,

sir. I can see it now.

You drive it down to the junkyard, push it in, and say, Arrivederci.

What is that, sir?

Arrivederci. It's an Italian word meaning goodbye.

Goodbye, sir?

Yes, Bilko.

Goodbye to your stripes, to your freedom, to your future.

I don't understand, sir. I'll explain it to you so you'll know why you're going

to the guardhouse.

The guardhouse, sir?

All my life, I've dreamt of becoming General Hall.

In two days, you've become General Motors.

Confidentially, sir, I know there's a position open on the board of directors.

Stockholders, all those in favor of Colonel Hall to come and chair the

say aye. Aye!

Congratulations, you've won, speech.

Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Please, please arrest this man. He's head of the G .I. Mafia.

I want those jeeps restored and give back all the money that you've taken in.

I've got you this time, Belko.

But, sir, America needs a small car, sir. We've got one, Belko, with a little

siren on it. It's waiting outside to take you away.

Your wife can be written off as...

Also seen in tonight's

cast were Dick Van Dyke as Hank Lumpkin, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy

Little as Sergeant Grover, Joyce Gladmond as Lulu Bell, Frank Caponella

scout, Frank Milan as Dan Topping, Phil Rizzuto, Yogi Berra, Gil McDougall,

Whitey Ford, and Red Barber played themselves.