Original subtitles

Can I go home now, Bluto?

Are you kidding? If you walked in there now, she'd kill you. So let her kill me

and get over with. I can still get a few hours sleep.

What's she doing now, Hench?

She's walking up and down muttering to herself.

You don't know Emma. She's not muttering. She's just revving up her

I don't think she's planning on going to sleep.

What time is it? You tell me. I lost my wristwatch at that last part.

Well, we'll just have to brazen it out. Come on. Unroll the stretcher. On a

double. Gee, Emma warned me. This is my last chance. Maybe I'd better sleep in a

mess hall tonight.

Nothing to it. I promised I'd get you home safely.

Thanks, you're a real pal. You see me through every jam that you ever got me

into.

You're going to blame me, huh? You went broke at 12 o 'clock. You could have

gone home then. But no, you were greedy.

You had to lose more.

This is all academic now. You're the face of Satan's death.

Oh, stop it. Emma is nothing to me. I can wrap her around my little finger.

feel safe if you could wrap her around a lamppost.

This is it, boys. We're going now. You lie down.

Put the blanket over. Let me hold my hand here.

Who's there?

Emma, it's me, Ernie Bilko. I have Rupert with me. Open the door, please.

moment.

Emma!

Please try to remember. We wouldn't have brought him home if the doctor didn't

say it was all right. Be calm, dear.

Bigger men, boys.

Gently. Oh, so gently. Gently, boys. What are you trying to pull, Bill? Shh.

must have rest.

And quiet.

And shock. Oh, boy. He's going to boil a lot of water. Oh, don't tell me. Let me

guess. I suppose he's having a bathing.

The idea of a jeep. Just hit him a glancing blow, which was very fortunate.

However, by every rule in the medical book, he should still be in the

But he begged the doctor. He pleaded. He said, I want to be with my beloved

wife. Emma, believe me, it's the first time I ever saw a hardened doctor break

down and cry.

Let me talk to her. All right, but be brief, for she must have rest and quiet.

Rupert. Rupert, are you conscious?

Can you hear me?

Rupert, it's your beloved wife, Emma.

Hello, sweetheart.

No, over here. Let me see his quarter.

The optic nerves have been affected. We may have to take them to Vienna for

surgery. Rupert, Sergeant Bilko told me the whole story.

That's good.

No, it's not! Do you think I believe that?

No, I will not listen to you. I'm through listening to you. I've had about

much of it as I can stand.

I'm going to fix it once and for all so you can't get your sticky fingers on our

money ever again. Emma, please, you're going to wake the whole...

He was evidently having a nightmare.

What a coincidence.

What do you mean, dear?

I was just dreaming about Bilko.

Hold it. This is all right. Just gently. All right. All right.

Wow. Sarge, how's your head? It'll be all right. Boy, you were lucky, Annie.

That bass just hit you a glancing blow. Not worried about the bass. It was that

voice, that screaming. She sounded like a wounded air raid siren.

Michael Ritzig need the army?

What are you kidding me? What would he do in civilian life? Michael be a chef.

Oh, stop. He ain't got a chance.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

There's a law on the outside. You can get arrested for his kind of cooking.

That's what I keep.

Yeah, but I never said I was so mad. I think maybe she means it this time.

Yeah, Ernie, it might be a good idea if you give Ritzig back half of what you

won.

Give back the money?

Give back the money?

What kind of remark is that to make just before I fall asleep?

That's right, Ernie. Maybe then you can make Emma shut up. Sure, and what

difference would it make, Sarge? You'll win it back the next time you play. All

right, will you stop bruising me? I'll give him back the money first thing

tomorrow morning. Thanks, Sarge.

Give back the money.

Rupert, where are you, Rupert?

Ripsick, Christmas came early this year. Come and get it, Rupert.

Got me acting like I'm nothing. Where is he? He should be here. Maybe he's in

the hospital.

What are you talking about? Emma's good, but she don't hit that hard. Hey,

fellas, what can I do for you?

Who are you?

I'm Logan. I'm the new messager.

Messager? What happened to Messager Ritzig? Who?

Oh, Ritzig. Ain't you heard? He's getting out today.

How? What do you mean, out? Well, that's what I heard. He's going civilian.

Oh, you're nuts. He's got another month to go before his hitch is up. Now, the

colonel expedited his discharge.

Ritzig admits he's a home packer now.

A home packer? Maybe before not too late. Come on, let's get out.

Rupert. Hi, Bill Cole. Hey, what is all this nonsense with the civilian clothes?

What are you up to? This is it. I'm checking out, Bill. Checking out?

Emma, huh?

Yeah, after you left, she really carried on. The tears were flowing till six o

'clock in the morning.

You can see your eyes are still red and swollen.

Look, maybe if I talked to her... Wouldn't help.

Emma's already made up my mind.

Look, you've been in the army 16 years. It's your home. Another four years,

you've got your pension.

Emma says it won't make any difference. You'll probably wind up with that, too.

You didn't insinuate. She came right out and called you a crook.

Look, it's my fault, but I'll make it up to you. I mean, you don't want to walk

out on me. I mean, this is your home. This is your way of life.

Emma says I can start a new life. What do you do? Where do you go?

Emma's got plans. Plans? What kind of plans?

I'm sorry, but I can't tell you.

Emma's orders.

I'm not even supposed to say goodbye to you.

Am I trying? You see me trying?

Hey, Logan.

Cook good for these guys. They're a swell bunch of fun. You leave it to me,

Riddick.

You got a lot to learn.

Easy with that slurry. You'll bruise the chipped beef. There.

Gently. So.

Oh, sure.

I get it.

Well, so long, kitchen.

I'll be seeing you around.

I spent 16 years in this kitchen. I don't know where they're going. Oh, wait

minute.

more than that. Oh, you're being very hasty, Emma. Let's talk. Look, you know

what they say. Act in haste, repent at leisure. What haste? I've been trying to

get away from you since we met.

You heard me, pretty?

Rupert, we're all buddies. Not a word, Rupert. Don't you dare say one word to

him. And let's get moving. It's a long walk to the railroad station.

This kid's with me.

Ernie, what about the money?

What money?

We come down here to give Rupert back some of the money he lost.

A buddy's leaving the army? You talk to me about...

Nine o 'clock at the end of the night. Where are they? How should I know? What,

I got a crystal ball or something?

Hey, what's with you? What are you so testy all of a sudden for? Nothing.

Nothing.

Well, where are they?

They're not coming, Bilko. They're coming. Why not?

Coogan says he's got a date. Pendleton says he's got a headache. And Grover

you should drop dead.

Friday night is always poking out at Camp Fremont. Things change, Bilko. What

I supposed to do, play solitaire?

That's up to you, Sarge. Hey, Rock.

How about you and me take it in a movie? Sure. It'll be a pleasure. Hey, what is

this? Wait a minute. What have I got, leprosy? Why the big freeze?

You know why, Ernie.

Ritzig. You're going to blame that on me, huh? I forced him out of the army.

go on, say it. Say it.

Well, yes.

Hence, how could you say a thing like that? It's true.

All right, but don't rub it in.

You guys know I tried. Didn't I try to straighten him out? You saw me. But not

hard enough. What's going to happen to Rupert on the outside?

He's not brave, right? And thanks to you, they haven't got a quarter. Yeah,

even a pension.

What do you want me to do? What? Look, let's face it, Ernie. The way you

operate, the whole gang are going to wind up broken down bums. All except

Yeah, let's get out of here. Go ahead. Go on. You're not hiding my feelings.

Walk out on me. I don't need you. I never depended upon you in the first

I tried to straighten them out, didn't I? My conscience is clear.

Is it, Bilko?

I tried, didn't I?

How hard did you try?

Well, I tried.

I... Stop kidding yourself, Bilko.

Henshaw is right.

The whole gang will wind up broken down bombs, except you.

Mr.

King, spare a quarter. I ain't had a bite all day.

Of course, you poor man. I'll give you a quarter. I'll leave... Bill Corp.

Forget the quarter.

But why?

Where am I going to get a half a dollar to pay you back?

Oh, now.

What could have happened?

Send a howl to your wife and five kids.

Two kids, Bilko. We had to sell three of them.

Help me, help me. I have so much. Please, don't help me. If you want to

anybody, help them.

Help them?

Don't eat the sausage. We'll move along.

Paparazzi. Don't you remember me, Bilko?

I wish I was a cop.

Oh, come on, Pat. We were such buddies after all. We went through a lot

together. I say we went through a lot. My money, his money, his money.

Marlon, what are you doing sleeping on a doorway?

Oh, it's only temporary.

I'm having my penthouse redecorated. Oh, you're proud of me, Marlon. You're a

pro. No, I'm a fresh air fiend.

Oh, fellas, I must help you here. Let me give you my card. Oh, no, no cards,

Knuckle. That's how you put us here in the first place. Oh, don't be that way,

Mullen. Paparelli, remember the fun we had together? The good times?

You remember the Ritzicks?

Emma Rupert? Yes, whatever happened to them? They're doing swell. They went

business. Business where?

Right over there.

Oh.

Here you are. Get your morning paper. Read all about it.

Emma. The paper, mister? What do you read? Emma, it's me, Annie Bilko.

Bilko? Oh, Bilko, please, I beg you. I got a good thing going here. Don't loss

up my buck and a half a day. Oh, Emma, I know I...

Rupert, please, I want to make it up to you. You really want to make it up to

me, Bilko? Of course I do. What can I do?

You can drop dead. Maybe you're proud of that.

Papers, papers.

Emma, Emma, I just sold three pretzels for a quarter. Shut up, Rupert. I told

you never to mention money in front of him.

Oh, a parquet of this world. You want to buy some pretzels, mister? It'll go

good with caviar.

Rupert, don't you remember me or any building? Leave us alone, Bilko. Leave

alone or I'll start screaming. All right, all right.

Your man, get me a cab.

Yes, sir, right away, sir.

What have I done to you, Colonel? I didn't mean it, Colonel. I didn't know

what... Ernie.

Ernie, you all right?

Boys, you are right. I got to make it up to them. Oh, the Rittics. How much

money I got in the bank? About 400 bucks. It's theirs. I'm going to draw it

of the bank. You really mean that? You know I mean it. How about his rest

That too. Go on. Find it.

Hence, this time I've gone too far. Too far.

It's not too late to make it up to them.

Which one is this? Find it. Find it.

I don't know where they were.

I don't know where they are, Grover. I got a letter from them.

Why don't you tell me?

I figured they'd suffered enough.

All right, stop with the lectures. Where are they? Well, Rupert borrowed NSGI

insurance and they bought a diner just outside of Sunnyville. A diner? How long

ago was this? Five days ago. Five days? We've got to hurry. With his kind of

cooking, you must be bankrupt by now.

Soup, beans, soup, pie, coffee.

That was 85 cents.

Did you enjoy your lunch? I haven't had food like that since the army.

Oh, thank you. We just took this place over, you know. Tell all your friends.

Sure, I'll call them all from the hospital.

No, thanks.

Cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

Come in again.

No, thanks.

Well, I'm waiting for the orders.

That was it. Three customers. The rush hour is over. Oh, stop complaining. But

you're always complaining. I told you it takes time to build up a business.

I don't understand it. The guy told us that all the truck drivers ain't here.

Oh, look. There's one pulling up now.

That's funny.

He slowed up, but he...

I don't blame him. Why do you have to run to the door? I told you to keep out

sight. Well, that's the problem.

I don't think I frighten people away.

Well, I don't mean to imply that at all. I should hope not.

But you certainly don't do their appetites any good.

Now, look, listen. I'm not sick and tired of your insults. And I'm not going

listen to that kind of talk from you anymore. Do you understand me?

Oh, look, there's a car just stopped outside.

You better hurry back into the kitchen. All right, but push the meatloaf. Don't

forget, push the meatloaf.

Waiter, some service here, please.

Oh, yes, sir.

How are you?

Well, gentlemen, what do you say we live dangerously?

Three blue plate specials. How are you, Rupert? I'm glad to see you. How are

you, fellas?

How are you, Rupert? How are you doing, pal?

Emma, guess who's here?

Who? It's Ernie Bilko. Bilko is here.

Oh, Emma, you're looking fine.

But we had three customers today. Hey, you guys look hungry. How about

to eat?

Take a sip and lay off the meatloaf.

If they're going to eat here, I want cash in advance.

Yes, dear.

Well, I don't feel being in business for yourself.

Oh, it's great.

Emma says in a few weeks we'll build this to a thriving operation.

I got stuck with a lemon here. It'll go right smack in the middle of nowhere.

But, of course, working with Emma side by side, we have what they call the

magazine's togetherness.

I used to be able to get away with it for a while. Now she asks me 24 hours a

day. Wilco, you've got to help me. Get me out of this place, please, Wilco.

I'll take care of you. Now, who sold you this joint?

The Central Bank and Trust Company. And this place right smack in the middle of

nowhere cost me $5 ,000.

How much in cash?

$800.

Well, I'm not going to get you your money back if I have to see the mayor

himself. Oh, wouldn't that be good? The mayor owns the bank.

What's he like?

I never met him.

That makes it better. I'll have you double your money back before you can

Veterans Readjustment Committee.

I never heard of that committee.

Of course not. I just formed it. I want you in the mayor's office within an

hour. You understand? The mayor's office in an hour. Are you sure you can help

me? Have no fear. Bilko is here. You'll get your money back.

Amber! Amber!

Where's Bilko? He's gone. It's about time.

How would you like to get rid of this place?

Oh, Rupert, Rupert, I've told you a thousand times.

This is going to be a thriving business.

I've got plans for this place. In a couple of months, we're going to put

outside for dining al fresco. We're going to have a little big on the back.

going to make this into a beautiful restaurant.

Yeah, but what if we got our money back?

I'd sell this dump in a minute.

Yes?

and Mr. Hoffman's on the phone from the bank. And there's a Sergeant Bilko from

the VRC to see you.

VRC? Veterans Readjustment Committee.

Never heard of him. Shall I send him away?

No, no.

In an election year, you've got to see everybody.

Yes, Hoffman.

Well, if you have to foreclose, then do it.

I know they're an elderly couple, but try to remember we're running a bank,

a Social Security office.

But be polite about it. They still vote.

Don't tell me.

Stanley Stevens?

Have we met before? No, but we powerful veteran organizations have ways of

keeping tabs on our friends. As a matter of fact, we've got a complete dossier

on you.

Look at him. He's in our corner all the way. A complete dossier?

Well, of course. You see, when we veterans size up potential governors,

senators, we want to make sure somebody's sympathetic to our problems.

I have always endeavored to do my best.

Down at our headquarters, your file is labeled Sympathetic Stan Stevens.

I say you can't do enough for our boys in uniform.

And you say it well. Did you get it? Where is it? Why is your pencil moving?

these quotes down.

I mean, that last quote may be worth ten million votes in the near future. Is he

a reporter?

Oh, I beg your pardon. You're on our thought. You might recognize him. May I

present Westbrook Henshaw, the most influential columnist on the Army Times.

Oh, of course. Of course.

Won't you sit down? Thank you, Westbrook. Be a good fellow. Thank you

know you're a busy man, Your Honor.

I'll get back to the point.

Veterans Readjustment Committee is cooperating with the Army Times in a

of articles dealing with the adjustment period in the lives of servicemen

returning to civilian life. I see. And so we've decided to put our best foot

forward and leave the series off with the story on the sympathetic stand,

Stephen's hometown, Sunnyvale, USA.

I'll be more than glad to cooperate.

May I say how fortunate we are to have a mayor who's so photogenic.

Really? No, no, really.

You must consider the wives of the veterans vote, too, you know.

You see, our stories may break on various front pages like Life or Time

magazine, and do you have a preference how you photograph me? Any shading? Oh,

well, the right is my best profile.

Your Honor, I know this may shock a man of your integrity, but we have definite

proof where retained servicemen are continually being victimized by greedy

polluters. Deplorable!

Yes, why, in some towns, the bankers themselves are guilty of this

Why, they push off worthless businesses, worthless homes... Not in my town! Oh,

I like the spirit with you.

Now, Cole, it may interest you to know that in addition to being mayor of

Sunnyvale, I am also president of our only bank.

No! Did you hear that, Westbrook? By George Nestle, Rockefeller may have some

competition come this fall.

Say it, say it, man. The presidency, why not?

Look at some of our best chief executives who come from small towns

Independence, Missouri, Springfield, Illinois.

And you consider one fact.

The soldiers' vote didn't hurt Ike any, did it? Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm?

Ping -pong? We'll bring back ping -pong. That's our campaign. Ping -pong. It's

not possible. It's not possible. Where I heard those words before, not possible.

Oh, yes. It was Herbert Hoover, who you resemble as a young man.

Well, let's get back to the soldiers' talk. Yes, sir. Your Honor.

We thought the best way to tell Sunnyville's attitude toward the

servicemen would be through the eyes of one man, one ex -G .I. I see. Sir, could

you help us? Perhaps give us the name of the last G .I. who bought a business or

a home here in Sunnyville.

Simplest thing in the world.

Get me Hoffman at the bank. Oh, I like that. Get that picture, my fellow. The

decisive executive making the decision. Hold it.

Hoffman, this is Stan.

Did you hear that?

This is Stan.

Not Banker Stevens, not Mayor Stevens, but staff.

Oh, this man is common.

Huffman, give me the name of the last XGI to buy a piece of property in

Sunnyvale.

Uh, Rupert Ritzig?

Not the Rupert Ritzig. You know him? Well, every soldier knows the legend of

immortal Sergeant Ritzig. Was he a war hero?

Well, I myself personally know that some days he put 30 or 40 men out of action.

I'm not sure, but I think you're fired.

You're wrong, Your Honor. You look pale.

A terrible mistake has been made. I can't believe it.

One of my subordinates took a down payment of $800 in cash from Mr.

a worthless piece of property. You didn't hear that, did you, Westbrook?

afraid I did. What a story! Oh, now come now, man. You're not going to see a

promising political career ruined for a few poorly hundred dollars.

Well, I... I don't know. Oh, come, man. We all make mistakes.

Roosevelt made mistakes.

Lincoln made mistakes.

Surely his honor isn't entitled to one mistake.

I'll give Mr. Ritzig his money back. Did you hear that, Westbrook? That was the

voice of liberal capitalism speaking for one man. Kill the story.

Well, I don't know. You've got a point there, Stan. I mean, this Ritzig may

spent a few hundred dollars improving his business. I'll give him back $1

Can anything be fairer than that? Come on, Westbrook. Kill that story.

Well, I don't know. I'll give him my personal check for $1 ,600.

It's a deal. Well, I don't know.

is not Winthrop Bilko.

Governor's match. The check. The check. A Mr. Ritzig to see. Oh, good. Show him

in. This is a stroke of luck, Barbella. I want pictures of his excellency

presenting the check to Sergeant Ritzig.

Well, here I am. The same heroic words he said when he waded ashore in the

Philippines.

Barbella, get this picture of the check. The check to him. Yes. Hold it.

Good.

Mr. Ritzig, in my long years as mayor of Sunnyvale...

Save your voice. There'll be so much campaigning. We'll need all the money we

can get. Get pictures of his army. You want to run away? In front of the bank.

At home with his family. And watch that right profile.

Get the one... Milko, how'd you do it?

Never mind. I'll tell you all about it right now. Cash that in as soon as you

can. Let's get out of here. What for?

We're going to the army so you can re -enlist. Oh, I wish I could. But Edna's

already got plans to open up a luncheonette in Chicago. Now, look, I

bother you all over the country getting you in and out of trouble.

Come on, you guys, you know. I said, there's some fellows.

I'm going to run this now for you, understand?

It's... Why don't you talk me out of it?

Up next in TV Land, Foster Brooks guest stars on The Munsters. Stay tuned.

John C. Becker as Mayor Vogel, Charles Mendick as Sergeant Logan, and Abby

as the secretary.