Original subtitles

Get a load of this.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, unless we receive payment by the first of the month, we

will be forced to attach your salary to California Collection Bureau.

Get this one.

Sergeant Ernest Bilko, this is the fourth letter we've written regarding

bill. Since we have not heard from you, we have turned the matter over to our

lawyers. Signed, the Grove City Tailor Shops.

Get a load of this.

Dear Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.

Our small claims department informs me that you are $200 in arrears. Unless

payment is made promptly, we will be forced to turn the matter over to our

mugging department.

Signed, Kirk the Bookmaker.

All right.

I don't want to hear any more.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, you owe us. Dear Sergeant Bilko, where's our money? Dear

Sergeant Bilko, pay us.

Look at that.

I just had the money they spent on stamps. I'd be out of debt.

Did you try calling the Grove City Loan Association?

See if they could get a loan.

No good. They got a new device.

The minute the name Bilko is heard, the phone automatically shuts off and the

window shades come down.

Seems every time you hear the name Bilko, they run.

This is the thanks I get, huh?

There was a recession. The president sent by, so I bought. The recession's

Do I get one letter of thanks from the president? No, this is what I get.

Bilko's kind of lost its charm, huh, Ernie?

Ain't that right, Ernie?

Ernie? Ernie?

Who's Ernie?

You are. Not anymore, I'm not. I'm changing my name, pal.

You're changing your name? Why?

Why? This is why.

Everybody's after Ernest G. Vilko. Once I change my name legally, I start life

anew, pal.

Hey, that's a wonderful idea.

What are you going to change it to?

I don't know. It's got to be a nice American name. Something with an honest

to it.

Abraham Lincoln?

Too honest, Ernie. Maybe right. Give me the phone.

Put the pages out, random pick name, and that'll be it, pal.

delicatessen. First name of three different people and that will be my

name. Flip.

All right. What?

Woodrow. Good. I like the sound of that. Move it.

Okay. Hopkins.

Woodrow Hopkins.

It's got a... Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

Wong.

Sounds like the first Chinese president of the United States.

Look, why don't you just use Woodrow Hopkins? That sounds solid. Good.

I like that.

I'll go to the courthouse on my tonight. I will be legally known as Sergeant

Woodrow Hopkins. Let's get out of here. Wait a minute. What about these bills?

Bills? Those are Bill Ghost bills. That's his problem.

Come on, Steve.

Yes, Woodrow.

I'm really... Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, Mullen. I got one right there. Bender.

Yeah? Any mail for Sergeant Woodrow Hopkins?

Woodrow Hopkins?

No, nothing, son.

See that, Rattle? No bills this month.

Ow! Son, who's Woodrow Hopkins?

Your new sergeant.

New sergeant? Hey, fellas, we got a new sergeant. Yay!

When's he coming, Sarge? He's here right now. Tell him, Rock. Ernie changed his

name. From now on, he is Sergeant Woodrow Hopkins.

What's the matter, Sarge? Are you hot? Oh, shut up. Hey, what do I do with all

the bills to Sergeant Bilko? Burn them. I don't read other people's mail.

Goldman. Yes, Sarge? I'll have to go through all my laundry and change all

monograms from E .B. to W .H.

On the towels, too? Everything.

Hey, Sarge.

Telegram for you. Take it back. Take it back. Gomez. Ernie doesn't live here

anymore. Wait a minute. They don't sell bills by wire.

But the plea on the safe side, you better open it. And don't read it to me

it's bad news. Just read it real quick. All right, sir. If you think I should

know about it, let me hear it. No, Sarge.

It's from our old supplier, Sergeant Joey Moran.

Joey Moran.

He's probably in trouble. Wants me to get him out of it just like I did all

during the war.

Oh, no, Sarge. Get a load of this.

Dear Ernie, have become father of bouncing baby boy.

Because of our deep friendship during the war, we want you to be the baby's

godfather.

Let me see that.

How do you like that? I'm a godfather.

Wait a minute. They're even naming the baby after me.

What are they going to call it? Woodrow Hopkins Moran?

It's got to be Ernest Bilko Moran.

But you're changing it. Who's changing it? If Ernest Bilko is good enough for a

bouncing baby boy, it's good enough for me.

So, beloved parents and dear friends, I name this baby Ernest Bilko Moran.

Congratulations. He does lovely boys. Is the ceremony over? Yes, it is. Oh, you

were very good, Ernie. You did very good, baby. All right, I'll take the

Ernie. Well, what will you take? I'm the godfather. I'll hold the baby. Oh, let

him, Joey.

You'll be able to hold the baby all the time. Ernie's just here for the weekend.

What is this? What is back?

What is this?

This is a baby.

Hello, sweetheart.

Look at him. Look at those eyes. Look at that nose. Most little babies look like

Doberman. Look at him. How beautiful. He looks like me, don't you think?

Well, you both got the same amount of hair.

You're beautiful.

Beautiful. Let you hold who? What? Who? Who? Who are you?

Oh, this is my mother, the baby's grandma.

Well, all right, but I don't approve of this arm -hopping. Now, you be gentle.

Now, the whole baby's got to be very careful. Oh, hello, sweetheart.

I'm your grandmother.

Uh -oh. I'm sorry, you guys. We want to shout, Father. Now, don't be offended.

It's just my experience.

Oh, Mother, it's all right.

Hold the baby.

Who? Who?

Who sneezed?

I sneeze. Why?

You'll have to go out. Out. But I'm Uncle Max. You should have thought of

before you sneezed. Now, I'll do it.

Yes.

Sneeze. Look, look, you'll have to. I want him out of here. Wait a minute,

Ernie. That's my uncle. You can't throw him out.

Well, all right. But you will take shots that you hate. If you're going to

sneeze, sneeze up there. If you won't come into the dining room. There's

sandwiches and coffee. Oh, Frances, go on and serve your guests. I'll hold the

baby. Oh, but I wanted Joey to take him to the park for a little while so he'd

get some fresh air.

You mean in the park? With his own carriage?

Oh, let me take him. I want him to feel wanted. I don't want him to feel

rejected by his godfather. Believe me, Frances, this will save you a lot of

money later in analysis.

I'll have you in the car. Come, little angel, dare hear me sing along with his

godfather.

is a baby, isn't he?

Mine's five weeks and two days.

How much does the boy weigh? Oh, eight pounds, four ounces.

Oh, well, don't worry. We can't all be muscle men.

Mine's nine pounds and seven ounces.

What's his blood type?

Me? Eight.

How's he been eating?

Well, he's still on formula.

Still on formula?

Sure.

How many teeth has he got? Well, he hasn't got any teeth yet.

No teeth?

You sure it's a boy? Well, of course it's a boy.

He might grow out of it. What do you mean, grow out of it? There's nothing

with my boy. Nobody said there's anything wrong with him. It's just that

want to compare babies, you don't have to be Dr. Spock to see the difference.

What's his name?

Dennis.

Dennis Harford, Jr.

Nice name for a ballet dancer.

A ballet dancer?

Let me tell you something, soldier. This ballet dancer is going to be an All

-American pullback.

Really? That little skinny... What school?

Pussycat Brett?

Pussycat Brett?

I'm talking about the University of Michigan. On the day that kid was born,

enrolled him in the class of 1977.

Yeah, well, you tell him to watch himself in the Rose Bowl game.

Of course, Stanford has got a quarterback named Ernie Bilko Moran.

Is that so? Yeah, that's so. Well, I'll remember that, soldier.

Yeah, if you want to bet, I'll give you ten points right now.

I'll take care of this. First thing, your mom went out of Palo Alto and

you in the class of 1977.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I have good news.

After screening the top universities, Yale, Princeton, Harvard, I decided to

favor Stanford University.

Oh, a donation.

Oh, better than that. You're going to get my godson. I want to enroll him in

this university.

Oh, for the next semester?

Oh, good heavens, not for some time yet.

Oh, you're interested in future and... That's right.

Now, uh...

What year?

1977.

And what year did you graduate from Stanford?

Oh, I didn't.

You mean you didn't finish?

I didn't start.

I'm terribly sorry, but I can't accept an enrollment at this time.

Why not?

Well, an enrollment so far in advance is reserved as a courtesy only for the

children of Stanford students and graduates.

You mean just because I went to Oxford instead of Stanford, I can't enroll my

godson? Oh, of course not. Of course you can. You'll just have to come back

later. How much later?

1976.

I may be stationed on the moon then.

Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Hello?

No, this is Miss Henderson.

I'm here in the morning.

Miss Whitcomb comes on duty in the afternoon.

Thank you.

Well, you've been a great help. Perhaps you can tell me something further.

Is there a clothes shop near here? I want to get some clothes for a new

Oh, yes. Right across the campus. Thank you very much.

No, Dean, I'll just keep him on duty, but I'll take care of it this afternoon.

Come in.

Mrs. Lindenbaum.

Did you ever question a role for college? Yes. Oh, thank you. I can

I want to be the first one off to the Greek club.

You? You mean you want to go to college? Oh, I see. You're surprised.

A man of my age just entering college. Well, you see, I only just got out of

high school. It couldn't be helped.

High school?

Well, let me explain.

You see, Dad... was in the import -export business, and so I was educated

Armenia. As a matter of fact, I graduated the University of Armenia with

Well, when we came to America to further my education, we were surprised to find

the American standards of education were much higher than ours in Armenia, and

so I had to be set back a bit.

Where did they put you?

Fifth grade.

That's why it took me so long to get there.

Very unusual.

Do you have your high school diploma with you?

Armenian or American?

American. Oh, darn.

I sent that to Mother in Armenia. She hung it up on the wall.

Well, then do you have your Armenian diploma?

Well, yes, but you see, it's at the cleaners. At the cleaners? Yes, in

when we have a sheepskin, it's a real sheepskin.

The fat American sheep. And, oh, darn, I could show you the cleaning ticket.

Very unusual.

I'm afraid if you can't produce at least a high school diploma, you'll be

required to take our entrance examination.

Entrance examination?

Well, with a man of your educational background, I'm sure you'll have no

trouble. It's a three -part examination.

History, mathematics, and science.

Oh, I see. Well, don't they let you choose your own category, like sports or

movie style?

I think most students would prefer that.

Now, the examinations will start Monday morning at 10 o 'clock.

Room 502 Hadley Hall.

Monday morning, 10 o 'clock. Oh, splendid.

That'll give me time to brush up on my pashnish kebabs.

Pashnish kebabs. That is Armenian for the conjugation of verbs. You know, I

pashni, you pashni, she pashni.

Or as we say in Armenia, saroyan.

Give me another question. You didn't answer the last one yet. I'll come back

it. Give me another question. All right.

Name ten of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence.

Can I have the original signers or the decoration of independence?

George Ruston. Right. Thomas Jefferson.

Right. Benjamin Franklin.

Right.

Howard Johnson.

I'll come back to it. Try sign.

Yeah. Give me the chemical components of magnesium phosphate. Chemical

components of magnesium phosphate.

Carbonated water, lime, raspberry.

Give me some math questions. I don't think one out of three pairs.

Look, you've got to help me. I've got to pass that entrance examination or the

kid will never get into Stanford.

Look, why don't you let the baby take the exam? He could do better.

I don't need ribbing.

Maybe he is a big help. What do you mean? I'll get somebody else to take the

examination. Look, if I take the examination, my godson will never get

college. Well, wait a minute. Who are you going to get? I'll find someone.

I see you for a minute? Look, we're busy, Pat Riley. Please.

Sarge, could I have three bucks until payday? Are you kidding? I got my own

problem. Sarge, I got to see this show. It's a historical pageant. It's my

favorite subject.

Historical?

Hey, he likes history. I love it. What's the name of the show?

It's the history of burlettes. All the famous...

and go through the records. Good idea. Sarge, Sarge, could I see you a second?

What do you want, three dollars?

No, Sarge, five. Sure, five. He wants to sit in the box seat. The balcony ain't

good enough for him.

Well, Sarge, it's probably the only chance I'll ever get to see Carl

He's not interested in the strippers. He wants to see the comics. What is Carl

doing, all cut up and breathing? Pick up my old hat. Who's got pockets?

Front of the pocket. Meet you now in the morning. In the half hour. What are you

talking about?

It's Carl Sandburg, the Lincoln biographer. You know, the famous

Well, he's giving a lecture in town.

Hey, he's on the level.

You like history.

Oh, Sarge, please don't kid me about it. Ever since I was eight years old,

people have always kidded me because I knew so much about history. Yeah? Did

they ever kid you because you knew ten of the original signers of the

Declaration of Independence?

I know all 55. Robert Morris, William Whipple, Menlo. Hold it, hold it. Save

for the exam.

What exam?

You're going to put a worthy godson through Stanford University.

Hey, Ernie, what about the other subjects?

I'll try it.

Give me the component parts of magnesium phosphate.

Magnesium phosphate.

Let's see.

Carbonated water line. Look.

We know history.

But, Sarge, what good is that?

What good is it? You'll pass one -third of the exam.

You. Here's five bucks.

Go and see your car, Sam. Be within reach. I want to brief you about

Move it. Move it.

Now we've got to find somebody who knows science and math. We'll go down to the

chemical warfare lab. It's full of scientists.

Come on.

I tell you, you're nuts.

Sputnik has got it all over Vanguard.

What? Sputnik? Vanguard can do anything Sputnik can do. You don't know anything.

What is this about Miss Vanguard?

Well, is this a scientific discussion in my platoon?

Yeah, I'm being scientific. He's being prejudiced.

Sarge, who do you think is the queen of parlors? Miss Vanguard or Miss Vanguard?

You ever see Miss Vanguard at the countdown?

Three, two, one, zero, and she blasts the close -up.

Bilko, you and I got a little discussing to do. Trey, what are you doing here?

They're not our bookmakers on the post. This is a special visit, Bilko, for

patriotic reasons.

I want you to give me the 200 pictures of George Washington you owe me. Can't

talk about this some other time? You won't be able to talk some other time

unless I get paid this time.

All right, let's go into my office.

Look, you're even as good as Kate Carnarvon. When she takes off a cape,

should watch out. It's a high -level conversation.

Okay, so is this where you keep the money? Look, Chuck, I'm going to level

you. If you don't pay me, Moose is going to level you.

Look, I'll pay you. I'll pay you. How much was it?

$200. $200.

Wait a minute. I thought it was $150. Where did you get $200?

Simple. You bet $25 on a four -horse poly, right? Right. So the poly paid off

$180. But since you owed me $70, that means you only had $110 coming, which

split into three bets.

You lost $211, which paid $1480, which you double.

which means you owe me 200 bucks.

That's amazing, Terry. How did you work that out without a pen and pencil?

Simple algebra. The horse is X, the bed is Y, and the result is the unknown

quantity. X minus Y equals M.

M? Moose.

Moose here is the common denominator who's going to reduce you to a fraction.

Wait a minute. This is very interesting.

How do you know so much about mathematics?

I was in charge of that section in the prison library.

If they hadn't paroled me in two years, I would have been a poor professor.

Hey, wait a minute. I want to show you something.

Here.

This is a picture of my godson. I don't accept kids. I want the $200 ,000.

Now, if you'll just do me a favor. I want you to pass a college mathematic

entrance exam.

Bilko, you touched me.

If I had had someone like you to guide me 20 years ago, I wouldn't be standing

here today threatening your life.

In the interest of higher education, I'll do it. You'll do it? Look, Ernie,

still have to find someone to take the science part of the exam.

Say, do you know anything about science?

What are the component parts of magnesium phosphate?

That ain't my territory.

Magnesium, a silver -white metallic element that burns with a dazzling

magnetic light.

Phosphate, a salt or ester of phosphoric acid.

Hey, Moose, how do you know so much about chemistry?

I used to be a bootleg.

There ain't no chemicals.

You know enough to pass a college entrance exam?

I could make 25 -year -old scotch in an hour. I could pass anything.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I was up all night studying. Your name?

And it's G. Bilko. Oh, yes, the Armenian student.

That's right, sir. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'll sit here. Here. Yeah, I'll sit here.

The first part of the examination will cover history.

You'll have 45 minutes to complete the test.

Ready?

You may begin.

Hurry, April.

I didn't hear any sirens. Oh, you must have, sir. They were off. I heard it,

sir. It came through the window and...

I thought it was one of the students having a prank, sir. Well, we're right

the middle of an examination.

Well, I'm afraid the enemy wouldn't wait for recess. Everyone down in the cell.

All right, let's cooperate. The army is just doing their job. Oh, sir, what

about these? Leave the papers on the table. Leave the papers on the table.

Finish the examination.

That's very well done. Thank you. Good.

Oh,

man, this is a snap.

The first question is, name ten signers of the Declaration of Independence.

Oh, I know that.

I'm sorry to be interrupted by the air raid

drill, but I think you've had sufficient time to finish.

I've had all the time I need, sir. What's next? The next examination is

mathematics. Will you please turn to it? You will have another 45 minutes.

You may begin.

Signaling to the... Oh, no. It's just rather warm in here. Now, let me see.

Higher a square equals the apostolate subdued.

Excuse me, Professor. We're from the California Health Department. We're here

fumigate this room. Fumigate the room? Why? Well, we've discovered that the

Japanese Osaki beetle is in this area, and we're afraid of the outbreak of

beetle heat.

Excuse me, Doctor. Is this a little yellow bug with red dots on its back?

that's right. Put her all over the place. Excuse me.

Fever? Fever?

Hey,

sir!

Are they kidding?

I took this stuff at first -time reform school.

Ladies and gentlemen, your time is up. I'm sorry you were interrupted again,

I'll make allowance for that in grading the papers. All right, sir, I've had

enough time. Let's keep going. I'm hot.

The next part of the exam is science. Science.

Ready?

Begin.

Mr. Bilko, I don't see you writing. Are you having trouble? No, that's the way

it works, sir. Start late, finish early.

Come in.

Come in here.

Wife from Secret Service. What is it?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stanford University will be honored by a visit

Vice President of the United States.

His motorcade will arrive on the campus in five minutes.

The dean has asked the entire student body to assemble on the quadrangle.

me.

On the desk. On the desk.

All right, let's move it out, everybody.

Oh, I hope he brought checkers with him.

Let's see. The first question is, what's potassium nitrate?

Potassium nitrate, you know what it is? Sure. I use it to make burger.

Oh, sir, is it a shame he didn't show up?

Well, it certainly seems strange. There was no one in the quadrangle but us. And

this is his home state, I can understand. Well, let's try and get on

examination without any further interruption.

Ready?

Begin.

Well, the jerk did the wrong examination.

Okay,

we're in the wrong seats.

Oh, that's right. What exam? Full of fast ones? No, nothing.

Nothing at all, sir. There'll be no interruptions.

Congratulations, Mr. Bilko.

Thank you. You mean I passed the exam?

With the highest marks.

Oh, was I? You should be very proud.

Oh, we are.

We? Oh, in Armenian, we means I in the familiar form.

Oh, me.

Oh, and going over your papers, Professor... the Comas did remark that

handwriting kept changing from test to test.

Well, you see, with such an arduous test, I kept getting right as crap, so I

switched from righty to lefty.

You are an amazing student, and we're going to be very proud to have you here.

Thank you so very much. And now that I am a student, I would like to enroll my

godson for the class of 1977.

Oh, of course. It'll be a privilege. What's the child's name?

Ernest Bilko Moran.

Good.

Now, as for you, Mr. Belko, the next semester will start in two weeks. Thank

very much. Oh, Miss Whitacombe, if something happens and I don't show up,

godson will be here in 1977.

Thank you, and good... Oh, may I say goodbye to you, Armenian style?

Why, of course.

And we will fight for Stanford Red.

Come on, little Amy.

Well, good morning.

Morning. How's your baby?

Fine. How's your baby? My baby?

He's grown so much, I can hardly tell him from... Oh, no, honey, give me that

back. Give, give, give.

He's so impatient, I keep telling him he'll have to wait for 18 years.

Would you mind if I let my baby play with that? Go right ahead.

Yeah, boy, look at him go for it. He likes it. He likes it. Let's face it, we

can both be proud of our babies. Yes, sir, we certainly can.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well, what have we got here, twins?

Yeah, both boys.

Two boys.

That's remarkable.

What's so remarkable about it?

I've got two more sets of twins at home. All boys.

Six boys?

He's raising his own football team.

I've got one.

That's all I've got, too.

Come on, Ernie. We're going home.

I want to have a long talk with your parents.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dora Morandi as Mrs. Whitcomb, Warner Brooke

the father, Gordon Peters as Professor Coleman, Paul Lipson as Turk, Ken Brower

as Moose, Norwood Smith as Joey Moran, Norma Leary as Frances Moran, Catherine

Payne as Grandma, Joey Marks as Uncle Max, and Raleigh Bester as Miss