Original subtitles

It's the Union League club. Move, move.

That jeep has got to be ready for the colonel by four o 'clock. Move it. Take

easy, Sergeant. You want to be former Union.

What's wrong with you, Fender? Why are you looking so glum? I got another bill

for my obstetrician.

What are you beeping about, you love kid? You got six beautiful kids. Why did

you want two?

On your next furlough, go to the YMCA.

What do you got there, Doberman?

It's a March election with a cake and a month club, Sarge.

That's all you needed. 5 ,000 more calories, huh?

But, Sarge, sweets are a source of quick energy.

There's enough energy in that to put you into orbit. Watch your mouth.

All right, move it. Hey,

Jenkins, how you doing? Oh, just fine, Sarge, just fine.

Did you get a pack of some hopes and cookies?

Heck no, Patrick sent me a Dougie's apple jar.

I'm for a smaller?

Get that away from me. Are you nuts? You know what'll happen to us if they find

this hillbilly booze here? Get rid of it. I didn't know it weren't legal here,

too. You didn't know it weren't legal.

I thought it was just Tennessee law.

All right, get rid of that. All right, you guys, busy as work. What do I do

it? I don't care what you do. Dump it, somebody, so get rid of it.

Good morning, Captain Barker. Say, that's awfully nice of you to come down

visit the men. All right, don't call.

The colonel wants to know if his jeep will be ready by four o 'clock. You know

it will, sir. The men are busy working on it. Right now, sir. Good. Bring it

around to his office as soon as it's ready. Will do, sir.

It's always a pleasure to see that you... Something wrong, sir? That smell.

The smell? Oh, you mean the antifreeze.

Is that what it is? Yes, sir. For a moment there, I thought I was back in

Kentucky Hills. Oh, did you, sir?

Rockham, open this door. Keep those windows open. This joint smells like a

distillery. Jenkins!

Right here, Sarge. Get a shovel and put that jug six feet under the ground. You

understand? It's empty, Sarge.

Empty? What does it do with the moonshine? Well, you told me to dump it

so I poured it into the crankcase of the Jeep.

A $2 ,000 vehicle he put... Get that stuff out of there before it dissolves

engine. Get under there and drain the crankcase. I'm a double.

This is the one he had a pick on.

The Colonel Jeep. That's all the Colonel needs. A Jeep with a hangover.

He poured it into the crankcase. What a jerk.

I think a 45 -year -old man would have enough sense to know something. Sarge,

he's only 38.

38? Then how'd he get so wrinkled?

Some mountain climate.

Not enough sunshine and too much moonshine.

How you doing on that?

Let me help you this here, fine.

There's a valve at the end of the crankcase. Turn it and then get out of

quick. Oh, yeah, I got it now.

He's got it now.

Whoa!

Get him out of there, quick. Get him out of there.

Come on out.

Don't breathe there. Just stand up. Come on.

Oh, what happened? Where am I?

You're in the motor pool, but not for long.

Get that stuff off your face and report to me in my office. Move it. Yes. Get

him out of here.

It's all I needed a whole platoon full of dumbbells. That's what I needed a new

champion

Don't

forget I'm responsible for a lot of expensive equipment around here Where

you put him so he can't do any damage put him in Ritz it's kitchen. You can't

make that food any worse What do you want soldier I'm busy you told me to

see you I told you to come and see me. Sarge, it's Jenkins.

Jenkins?

What did you do to yourself?

Nothing. I just wiped that glop off of my face, took a shower and come right

over.

Now, is it these glasses or does he look ten years younger?

Sure does.

Here, I want to look at you in the light.

Your wrinkles are all gone.

They sure enough are.

I got to do that more often.

What? Take a shower.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

God, that's all. What is it, Ernie? What is it? A million dollars. A million

dollars? Your voice, Tom. We don't want any partners.

What are you talking about, Sarge? What's the matter with you guys? You're

dumb to see it. Whatever was in that cloth that got on his face and took out

wrinkles and made him look ten years younger. Keep your voice down. Why? I'm

going to be rich. Where is Sarge? All it was was some grease, some number two

oil, and some of that apple jack. Oh, yes? What was penicillin? Just some

bread and some green mold.

When you analyzed it, all the great discoveries were simple.

What did we discover?

The fountain of youth.

Jenkins, come here, buddy boy.

You ain't mad at me no more?

Mad at you? Could I be mad at Louis Pasteur? Could I be mad at Jonas Salk?

Are they in this outfit?

Hey,

did your papi ever tell you what he put in that apple jack? Well, that's the

first thing papi taught me.

Yeah? Sit down, I want to talk to you.

You just tell the old sergeant.

What are your ingredients?

Well, first you get yourself a mess of apple mash.

Method. Oh, stand there. Write it down. A mess of apple mash. Yeah. Then you

throw in some wintergreen, a box of brown sugar, a bottle of witch hazel.

hazel?

Write it down.

Then you stir the pot up right good for about an hour.

Yeah. Oh, and for every two gallons, you throw in one pork chop.

Well, Pappy always says a good moonshine should be delicious and nutritious.

Write it down.

Well, then what?

That's it.

Just let the pot simmer and stew overnight, and next morning you got

right nice breakfast.

Okay, right.

Get that stuff from the kitchen and meet us in the mall pool in a few minutes.

All right, young boy.

You're going to risk such a right smart two gallons of that apple jack. No

kidding, Sarge. Hey, my pappy's going to be mighty proud of me. Good boy. Now,

do you need anything else?

Well, let's see.

Oh, maybe a couple of fellas with rifles.

Rifles? What for? Sure, just in case them revenuers come poking around.

All right, boys, you all set?

We're all set, Sarge. We're just waiting for Jenkins.

Come on, Jenkins, let's go. You're holding us up. Ready in a second, Sarge.

want a taste?

Are you kidding? I'm getting stoned just breathing in here.

Fill the jug.

That stuff smells awful.

You sure you used the fresh pork chop?

Oh, it's just fine, Sarge.

Well, here's the jug full up. Here we go. Ready at the jeep? Ready.

Funnel. Funnel ready to pour.

All right, stand by, Hench. Right.

I need mission on. Mission on.

All right, start her up.

Start her up.

Let's mix it real good. Full throttle. Full throttle.

Sarge, I think I hear the engine knocking.

It ain't knocking, it's hiccuping.

Remember,

don't spill or drop. This may be worth $10 an ounce.

Get under there. All right, get under there.

You all set?

All set, Sarge. Fill it up.

Where's Fender? He had an appointment at the barber shop at 2 o 'clock. Good.

Right after he gets his haircut, we'll give him a beauty treatment. Here it is,

Sarge.

Well, this is it, gentlemen. If this works on Fender, I'll take my place in

world alongside of those two great scientists, Price Westmore and Max

I didn't sleep too good last night. Suppose I give you a hot towel and you

relax for a little while. Good idea.

I could use a little of that.

Ready for me, Al? I'm back in about ten minutes. Put down your... Okay.

All right.

Oh, it feels pretty good.

Well, you just relax, sir, and I'll wake you up in a few minutes.

Then this sleeps wakes up. You'll be beautiful. Give me the stuff that smells

awful. Let them go over Mix it up a little bit.

Okay,

spend the baby boy. Here we go

I'll

be a different man

All right, then you're not in this butthole. But, sir... Look, don't put

on me.

Who is it, Ernie?

It's the sheriff.

Out! Out!

Have a nice nap, sir?

I knew this hot towel would make you feel better.

There we go, sir.

Nothing like a... What do you think his face looks like? How do I know?

You told me with Fender under the towel.

Well, keep your fingers crossed.

Good afternoon, sir.

What do you want, Bilko?

Nothing, sir. Just turning in my weekly report, sir.

What are you staring at, Bilko?

Oh, no reason, sir.

I must say, you're looking exceptionally well, sir.

Oh, thank you. I feel good, too. I just had some kind of mud pack down at the

barbershop. That's remarkable, sir.

Well, you look ten years younger.

Thank you.

Sir, has Mrs. Wall seen you yet?

No. Please be careful, sir. The way you look, there'll be no holding her off.

Man, this washing machine's the best still I ever had.

Pork chops ain't dissolved yet.

You got those labels, Hench? They're already on the jaws, Ernie.

Bilbo's Formula 7. Works wonders on wrinkles.

A product of Fremont...

Pharmaceuticals Limited. I like that. It's got to sound like big business.

not ready, Sarge. There you are. Switch it on the drain.

Stand by, Rocco.

All right, Hanks.

Let it go.

All right, Sarge.

Here it comes.

How many jars you got, Rocco? Fifty.

Fifty. Fifty. Ten dollars a jar. It's a clear profit of five hundred dollars.

Not exactly, Sarge. The jars cost me a nickel a feet.

You're going to learn in big business, Rocco. You've got to accept a certain

amount of overhead.

All right, Hanks. That's enough. Cut.

Cut. Hello, Brock.

Well, it don't smell so bad since we added that cologne, huh?

All right, Rock. Get these jars capped. I'm on my way. Where to, Ernie? We'll

stop at Clark's Department Store in Grove City by this weekend. The orders

San Francisco should be pouring in. You're going with me, Hench. What should

do, Sarge? You and Jenkins stay here and keep that production line flowing. And

remember, every two gallons change Jeep. I want a fresh, rich sludge coming

through those crankcase.

How would you say if I told you this jar contains a lotion so potent that one

application will make a man look ten years younger?

Bilko, look, before you go any further, let me give you a few facts of life

about the cosmetic business.

First of all, the big market for beauty products is women, not men.

That's an important point. Make notes. Don't stand there. Make notes. Second of

all, Bilko, you can't really sell beauty products without a big national

advertising campaign.

Now, look here.

Here is a lipstick which is manufactured here locally, and we sell it for 50

cents. We can't give it away.

Now, let me show you something.

Here. Here, Bilko, is the exact same lipstick.

Backed up, as you can see, by a big national advertising campaign.

We sell them by the carload for $5 a piece.

The same lipstick? The same.

Now, that's what a big cosmetic concern like Deborah Darling can do for a

product. Deborah Darling. Well, thank you so much for your time. I have to get

back to camp right now. Don't get here. I don't get here. Look, with Deborah

Darling incorporated behind us, we'll make ten times as much money.

But how are we going to get a big outfit like that interested? The same way they

get their customers interested, by advertising.

We'll make a television commercial.

Yeah, but we can't afford to make a... Not afford. We get a 16 -millimeter

camera and a model.

But a model costs a fortune.

I got a model in mind. She's the Susie Parker of the middle -aged set. Emma

Ritzing.

All right, you and Emma rehearse the lines for the script. Yeah, we got it.

look, what's very important here, you must be convincing. Now, in this

commercial, you portray the part of a husband who's grown bored.

Tired. Disgusted with his wife's appearance. How could you do that? Are

kidding? I've rehearsed with that C for the last ten years.

Henshaw's got her inside. He's making her up to look real homely. She don't

any help. She's got tricks. You never heard of them.

This is serious. I don't know. Hello, dear. We're ready and set. Look, help me

along. You know how women... There you are, my little star of my commercial.

Oh, Henshaw did a great job. She looks real terrible. That's what I wanted. You

messed her up properly.

What? I haven't touched her yet.

I should have known better than to listen to you in the first place. I'm

going through with this. Look, Emma. You didn't even give me a chance to put

makeup on. Now, come on, Bill. Get out of here. Speed up. We're going to film

now. Please try to cooperate.

Nothing doing. I just got up. You don't think I'm going on television looking

this way.

George, you're right.

That beauty sleep made you look too good.

What? Of course, honey. This is a before and after commercial showing the

attributes of our beauty cream. Now, if you look so good before, where will be

the contrast?

Well, that makes sense. Of course. Can I have your eyebrow, please? Come here.

What are you going to do to me, Bill? Honey, it's nothing. It's a few makeup

tricks that I found that they use on Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor? Yes.

You see, she's a 25 -year -old girl, and in this thing she was doing, she had to

portray a woman of 35. So these little tricks, this is what they do. It just

gives you a little character, a little age, a little life. Now, let me see it.

Will you hold this for me?

Mm -hmm.

Hold that.

No, this hair. I can't do a thing. It's so silky.

Silky? Why can't I do this?

No, not from where I stand. When the light hits it, each strand... shimmers

spun gold.

Of course, you don't suffer black. I'd like to have a pair of your thick

glasses.

I finally got a chance to get some fun out of life, and you have to spoil

everything. I know the screen before shooting, and you're full of fire and

temperament, but save it for the scene. Come here, dear, and I'll show you what

this scene is all about. This is a typical breakfast scene in the life of

and Mary. Now, Mary, like so many housewives after marriage, has let

you know, so much so to the point where John is losing his interest and his

appetite. Shut up!

So just shut up! Look, do me a favor. Right in the scene where John hits Mary

rap in the mouth.

You said the rap like it's mine. Listen to them. They sound just like London

Fontaine. I know the nerves before shooting, but folks, please, save that

for the commercial.

I mean, that's fine.

All right, we're all set. Rock, the camera ready?

Yeah, it's ready. And you got the beauty cream? Right here. All right, we shoot

this scene, and right afterwards, we give Emma a beauty treatment, then we

the second scene.

All right, good luck to both of you.

Rock, how does she look in the camera?

All right.

Madam,

darling, there's a Dr. Ernest Bilko here to see you. Oh, good. I've been

expecting to show him in.

Well, gentlemen, he's here.

I just can't believe this Formula 7 can do everything that he says it can.

Remove wrinkles in one treatment?

That's impossible.

Sounds like a faker to me. Oh, really, gentlemen. I spoke to Dr. Belko on the

phone. He told me of his endless hours of research at the Fremont Laboratories

presenting this product.

Now, the least we can do is to see the film. That's my dear. I'm sure I can

my way.

Oh, I see. I stumbled into the wrong office. I was looking for Madam Deborah

Darling. I am Deborah Darling. Aren't you sweet? Where is your mother, dear?

It's her I want to see.

I am Madam Darling. Well, there's some mistake here. I was told Madam Darling

a lady in her forties. Yes, well, nevertheless, I am Madam Darling. Well,

your heart, dear. I was ready to report you to the child labor board.

Mr.

Allenby and Mr. Edwards.

Gentlemen, how do you do? Why, my assistant is getting up to fill my

journal. First thing with questions.

Did you bring a sample of your Formula 7 with you? Well, bless your heart, you

know I did. Professor Henshaw -Prickley. Right here, doctor. This is it,

gentlemen. The most startling product ever to hit the beauty market. And I'm

prepared to offer Deborah Dowling Beauty Products Incorporated full

manufacturing rights for consideration, of course.

Did you ring, madam darling? Yes. Take this right down to the laboratory and

have it analyzed.

Well, I don't understand. Why analyze it? Don't worry, Dr. Bilko. Your patent

will protect you. Well, of course it will. And bless your heart, as if I

doubt anything a lovely lady such as you could possibly do to me.

Well, Dr.

Bilko, this patient of yours, you've done such wonders for.

Mrs. Oh, yes, Mrs. Ripley. Yes, I would like to meet her in person. And that you

will, dear. I asked her to be here at three o 'clock this afternoon.

But first, we'll see her on the film. Good. Lights out, if you please. Lights!

I was thinking that 50 % of the profits would be fair to everyone concerned.

However, why are we talking business with the lights so low?

Do they call you madam or do they call you Deborah or darling?

Can I call you Debbie darling?

We'll show the film first. We'll talk later. Yes, yes, the film.

Hello there.

I'm your feeding skin specialist.

Now, you'd be amazed how many people will take their skin for granted.

Let's take the case of Tom and Maddie.

This was a couple that were happy under certain typical young American couple

There was no reason why they shouldn't be doing signs

of Telltale string Hey

Barry, how long do you expect me to wait for my breakfast?

John John must you be so cross every morning?

What is happening to our marriage?

Oh, leave me alone, Mary. John, look at me when you eat. I'm sorry. I can't do

both. Oh, stop.

You're crying.

You'll only get your face more wrinkled.

No,

dear. Just your face.

John, I know my face is old and wrinkled, but what... can I do?

Well, why not see a leading skin specialist?

A skin specialist? Yes, and maybe straighten out your face and our

Mrs. Adams, I've had your skin tested by a leading independent test laboratory.

Tell me, doctor, what is wrong with me?

Your face.

Sorry, I have a metadermicemia, or what we leading skin specialists call tired

skin.

Is there anything I can do?

Pardonately, yes.

Thanks to modern science, you can have younger skin fast or your money back

just one application of Formula 7. You see, Formula 7 contains not one, not

but seven magic secret ingredients which work on wrinkles four ways.

Now, you can go away with costly plastic surgery right in your own home. Thank

you, Doctor. I'll run right down to my corner drugstore and try magical Formula

7 tonight.

Hey, Mary, how long do you expect me to wait for my breakfast?

Good breakfast, John, dear.

Mary. Who?

Why, what is it, John?

You look different.

Gorgeous beyond my wildest dreams. Well, thank you for noticing, dear.

Mary, now that you're lovely, I have something to tell you. For a while

you were looking like an alligator.

John! Dear, your crumpets are getting cold.

Oh, dash the crumpets. You maddening creature, you.

My marriage is heaven. Thank you for me. Heaven?

At all eating drugstores and cosmetic counters everywhere.

There you are, gentlemen. You've seen America with your own eyes.

Now, as I was saying before, I believe 50 % of the profits is a fair deal for

all concerned. Now, have a contact.

Mr. Jenkins is here to see you. Oh, good. Gentlemen, you will soon see for

yourself the lasting effect of magical formula 7.

Now, five days ago, we at Freeman Laboratories took an ordinary soldier.

Oh, yes, this soldier here to be exact.

He is the wrong man.

25 % of the profits would be fair for all concerned.

Oh, please, Dr. Vilco, not so fast. Oh, come now, Madam Darling, 25 % for a

wrinkle remover that lasts a full five days is fair for all concerned.

Yes? It's an arbitrary report.

What? Are you absolutely sure?

Pork chops?

Well, you see, we've made great discoveries while we were at the flats

animals. Dr. Bilko, the laboratory just reported that there are ingredients in

this formula of yours that could be very irritating to sensitive skin. My dear

madam, I can't help it if you have a jealous chemist in your laboratory.

Nevertheless... Oh, I see it now.

You're as ruthless as you are beautiful.

All right.

I can't cope with you. You're of a big business. I'm a mere scientist.

Give me a check for $25 ,000. I've got a range all over my...

You have a toothache? No, I have no toothache. I've got a rash. My

will take you to a dentist.

I don't know why they call me. They see my title, doctor. They think I'm a

practicing physician. I'm just a mere scientist.

And I know nothing about big business. So I'll tell you what we'll do. You just

give me a check for $5 ,000. I'll take the first flight from Vienna in the

morning. Doctor, don't go.

Violating the Pure Food and Drug Act can get you five years in jail. What are

you telling him to do? And another five if it turns out that you're not really a

doctor. Is that a fact? Oh, don't take my word for it. I'll call the district

attorney. No, no. I'll take your word for it. Anybody who says yes.

Well,

we'll go to Elizabeth and shoot him.

Let these guys go. All right, come on, Sugar. What?

Excuse me, Mr. Fender. You want siesta time?

Oh, man.

You talking to me, Sarge? No, I'm talking to your obstetrician. I'm

you. When I want wedding.

When I want... What happened to your head? What do you mean?

Your head? What? Oh.

I don't know. I don't know, Sarge.

I was emptying the crankcase under the sheep yesterday and some of the grease

got on top of my head.

And this morning, there it was.

It grows hair. It grows hair. The one thing I didn't think of that magic wand

that seven dozen bones have.

Pack my bag. I'm off to San Francisco. Pack it. Come on. Wait.

We'll have a couple of days rest anyhow.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Natalie Schaefer as Deborah Darling, Joey Ross

as Sergeant Ritzig, Beatrice Ponds as Mrs. Ritzig, Tom Noel as Jenkins, Larry

Fletcher as E .J. Phillips, and Nick Saunders as Captain Barker. Miss

Gowns by Skazi.