Original subtitles

Bullseye.

Bullseye.

Bullseye. Wow, did you see that?

Nine out of ten bullseyes. You ever see so much talent in one figure?

Rachel, Pete.

Nine out of ten. I just can't seem to get started today. Anyone want to shoot

against the champ? His figure's a lot better weather today.

Here's a chance for you to pick up some money. Ah, that's a sucker bet, Ritzig.

You already cleaned out the platoon. Why, nobody can beat Pete Masters and

know it. What a shame. All these bullseyes are going to waste.

Go ahead and shoot, champ. Oh, did I hit your arm, champ?

Did I jiggle your eyeball?

No, sir. I'm okay.

Bullseye!

Heat fire!

All right, catch those targets and get them up again.

Okay, okay.

Target pit duty, huh? I ain't come down for a motor pool, Sergeant.

You're the one who got us down here, Sarge. Sure, for a crap game.

We'll figure the army can use us for their own selfish purposes.

That's army justice.

They catch in the target pits to make it work in a pit. No, pal.

It's not justice. It's revenge.

This is the only way the Colonel can get me in front of a firing squad legally.

All right, pal. No more for now. Move it. Move it. Okay, Sarge.

5 ,000 rounds of ammunition being fired every minute.

One lucky bullet could free us all.

I heard that, pal. I heard that, pal. I'm always thinking.

I got friends on the firing line, too, pal.

Bullseye! Doesn't Pete Masters ever miss?

Never. Ritzig is cleaning up on vets with Masters. Like the luck I'm in? Once

every ten years, a Rubenstein of the rifle comes along and he winds up in

Ritzig's platoon.

Why don't you buy him from Ritzig, Sarge? I tried. I offered him mule,

and paparelli.

Sell us?

Flesh and blood?

What else?

What, do you think I'm going to give him cash?

All right, Sergeant Ritzig, move your men out.

Can't he take a couple more shots? He's hot today, Captain. I'm sorry, your time

is up. Sergeant Grover has a group of new recruits who have to learn how to

handle a rifle.

Move your men in, Sergeant Grover.

Yes, Captain. Yes, sir.

Did I tell you the train was out to get us? What do you think he did? He ordered

new recruits on the firing line.

All right, get those targets up.

Why? Who's going to hit them?

Hey, hey, bullseye.

You got to watch yourself, Mullen. It's the lucky ones you got to worry about.

Bullseye. Sarge, two in a row.

That jerk is probably lucky. Probably aiming at another target.

Bullseye. Again?

Bullseye. Sarge, this guy isn't lucky.

Hey, maybe we are.

Bullseye. Can it be? Can it be?

Bullseye! Bullseye!

Bullseye! Yeah, I heard. Eight out of eight.

Nine out of nine.

One more. One more and we got the new champion.

Come on, baby.

Bullseye!

Ten out of ten. Yeah!

I found him. I found him. I'll make a fortune from Ritzing alone.

Who is it, sir? I don't know. Maybe he out -exhausted Wyatt.

Why don't you go look and see?

It's the last thing we do. We don't want this all over the camp. Mullen, turn in

our phone and report. Don't let... Let me get out of here. Where are you going?

I'm going to sneak around the firing range and claim our fortune.

Mullen, what number was he firing from? Number five. Five is the lucky number.

Little Phoebe. Look out.

Cease fire!

Just a minute, young man.

a whack replacement, sir. I saw the fellas coming out to rifle practice and

thought I'd come along and have some fun. Fun?

This is live ammunition.

You could have killed someone.

Oh, no, sir.

Back in Banjo City, Texas, where I come from, I'm on the turkey shoot every year

since I've been four years old.

Well, Private Porter, if you want to amuse yourself, go to a shooting

But right now, we've got soldiers to train here. Now get back to your office.

Ah, couldn't I shoot a few more rounds? No, Private Porter.

Say, where are you going with that rifle?

Oh, it's all right, sir. It's mine.

gave it to me from a sweet 16 party.

Hey, soldier, on the double.

Go fire a target fire.

You ever shoot a gun before?

Yes, sir. Once I had a water pistol for Christmas.

Well, assume your position and fire when ready.

Target's out there, soldier.

Yes, sir.

Where? Out there.

Look, come back here.

Oh, I see it.

I think.

Hey,

were you just firing on number five?

Yes, I was.

My boy. My boy, I've waited all my life for you.

Did you hit the target? Did you hit the target?

Ten out of ten. My boy, my darling boy.

Do you like the way I shoot? Do I like the way you shoot?

Does Casey Stanger like the way Mickey Mantle hits?

What platoon are you in?

Sergeant Grover's. Sergeant Grover.

Did Sergeant Grover ever see you shoot? Nobody ever did. Nobody ever did.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm finally paying off. Hey, ten out of ten.

Ten out of ten. You always wear those glasses?

Only to see.

Only to see.

Well, there he is, the Wizard of Camp Fremont. What do you want?

Official army business. The radio in the colonel's car is on the blink. I want

you to lend me one of your geniuses over to the motor pool to fix it. Fix it

yourself, Bilko. I need every man I got to set up this radar equipment. Hold the

phone, Irish.

The colonel is using the car himself this afternoon. You know how he is when

can't tune in Texan jinx. Bilko, this is a big job. I can't spare an experienced

man. All right, give me one of your new men. I don't care. How about him?

Oh, Schneider?

Yeah, I could do without him for a while. Emil, drop what you're doing and

with Sergeant Bilko. Wait a minute. Emil? Emil Schneider?

Let me out of here. Boy, that was close. Just a minute, Bill. What's wrong with

you now? You keep your voice down. It's the last guy in the world I want mad at

me. Wait a minute, Bill. Go watch with this guy.

All right, Emil, go over to the supply room and pick up a 300 -volt generator.

Come on, on your toes. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

What's with this guy? Look, it isn't his fault, really. He didn't mean to blow

up the building.

Blow up the building? Look, it was an accident. I saw it on a civilian record

over at personnel. I was looking over the new replacements. They were

all accidents.

What do you mean, they?

Well, the poor kid has just had bad luck on every job he's ever been on. What

job? Well, first there was the job in Milwaukee, the big brewery. He was the

inspector. You know, those big giant baths, those beer baths? He was supposed

turn off all the spigots. One night he forgot to turn off one of the spigots.

But what happened?

Can't happen. The next morning, the night ship was cleaning through the

switches. The phone was left to hear. If you open the door, it'll flood and

they'll walk you away.

He was responsible for that. It's not that he can prove it. Same thing

in Denver. What happened in Denver?

What happened in Denver?

In Denver, his job was to turn off the master switch in a factory. What

The air conditioning factory.

All we did was...

She's like, Monday, got to shut the factory down for six months till the

when it thawed out. It was an accident.

Is he in the army now?

He'll put him in jail just because he's a jinx. And I've got this place wired

with high -voltage equipment?

Well, you'd better watch it. Doc, here's the generator.

Where's the switch? I'll plug it in. Hurry up!

That was close. When he went for that switch, my whole life flashed in front

me. Oh, I've got to get out of here.

Ernie, you could use a radio man and a motor pool.

Sure, a radio man, sure, but not a human bomb.

I'll make it work, if you want. Look, over there are some things you can't

a guy with.

I'll build you a color television set.

With stereophonic sound?

That works.

Okay, send it over. I might as well live with the little time I've got.

What about you and Doberman? What can this guy, Schneider, shoot?

Tell him, Mullen.

Ten out of ten. I never saw a guy shoot like that. A perfect score. Okay, we'll

be down for ten. All right, guys.

I'm in for a quarter, son. Oh, there, Doberman. We've got no children's

Did you get the other one?

I just took the tire off the truck. What is this? What is this?

Who's letting this boy dirty his golden fingers? What's wrong with you, Andy? I

just simply told you to wear gloves.

But I can't work with gloves on.

Baby, we don't want you to work. All we want you to do is shoot the rifle.

Me shoot?

Didn't you? You ever see such modesty? Me shoot?

It's like an opera singer.

Me sing?

I might as well go and practice.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to hear that rifle, Randy. If anybody sees

how you shoot, we won't be able to get a bet done.

I know what you mean, Sarge.

Look,

if anybody asks you...

You can't hit the side of a barn.

I can't hit the side of a barn.

You never held a rifle in your hand until you got here. I never did.

Oh, is he beautiful and an actor and so convincing.

Here he comes, Ritzy. All right, look, here's what I want you to do. You get

of here. When you hear the sound of this jeep horn, you come in through that

door. Why, Sergeant?

Well, I guess I might as well tell him. All right?

Look, we're going to trap Sergeant Itzy into making a bet on a shooting match

between his rifle champion and you.

Shooting match? But, Sarge, I can't hit the side of a barn.

Come back when you hear this horn. And don't go that way. Go this way and come

around the back.

Hey,

Pilker, what's the big rush to see me? Oh, yeah, I wanted to see you. Look, you

tell your men in the kitchen. From now on, when my men pick up the garbage, I

want the eggshells and the orange peels separated.

Are you nuts?

Nuts? That's a new regulation.

There'll be two pickups. Orange peels Wednesdays and Thursdays.

eggshells Fridays and Saturdays. Look, Bill, go since we'll just leave this car

with garbage. Oh, no.

You take care of your trucks and I'll take care of my garbage. Yeah, what

garbage are you talking about?

The one you throw away or the one you save us?

This is all just my cooking. Yes, sir. I don't want to listen to any more of

this. I'm going back to my kitchen. Yeah, go ahead. The murderer always

to the scene of the crime.

You've come to be my whole crew and we want satisfaction. Oh, really? Well, so

do we.

Well, how about our platoons slugging it off behind the PX? Let me start it,

Sarge.

Here's what we'll do. We'll pick one man from each platoon and engage in a

scientific game of skill.

What kind of a game?

Well, I don't know. I'm so mad at anything. You pick it out. All right, I

shooting contest.

Oh, wait!

What do you think? Well, that's me. I ain't got anybody in my platoon who can

shoot half as good as Masters.

Well, you said today with my name that I suppose you want to back out now. Oh,

yeah? I'll show you how much I want to back out. I'll just bet you $273 .25.

Sorry, fellas, but our honor was at stake. Well, wait a minute.

It's a bet. All right, now, who's going to shoot for you? I don't know. You got

me so mad, I don't care. Anybody who walks through that door.

It's a deal. Yeah, it's...

Holy smoke.

It's him.

This little fellow in the glass. Oh, what are you trying to pull around here?

It's a good plan that I'm outside, didn't you?

Wait a minute. Look, kid, don't be nervous. Can you shoot a rifle?

I can't hit the side of a body.

Oh, I've got it where I want it. Hey, do you want to pay down and shoot later?

I'll show you something.

All right. The match is on. Tomorrow afternoon, 12 o 'clock on the rifle

Can you shoot good at all, kid?

I never held a rifle before yesterday.

Oh, I'd better get out of here before I die laughing.

Oh,

what did we get him?

I got a little idea.

Tomorrow afternoon, a certain sergeant on his post is in for a big surprise.

What?

Bullseye. All right, Bill Carter, make 23 out of 25.

Let's see your man beat that one.

Okay, Richard, get ready for the shock of your life. What do you mean?

You've been taken, pal. What you thought was a miserable little sad sack happens

to be one of the best shots in the army.

Here you go for the sum of $273 .25.

Show these amateurs what a perfect score is like.

Gee, I hope I don't disappoint you, Sarge. Yeah, I hope you don't disappoint

Don't worry, pal. You just do what you did yesterday and nobody will be

disappointed. All right, stand back.

A star is born.

You're playing dirty. Somebody pushed you out. Give him room. Let him shoot.

Come on.

We'll make it 24 out of 25.

Work strong. Go ahead, kid.

Is that a bullseye? He ain't even shot on his rifle range. What happened? This

pretty easy. Ten out of ten. Yeah, what happened?

All right, all right. Wait a minute. All right, kid. You can tell me. They got

the... They paid you to throw the match? No.

Maybe the smoke is fogging up his glasses.

No, it's not.

All right, kid. Come on. We'll go for a tie, and then we'll knock their brains

out in the playoff. Go ahead.

Come on, Bill. Come on. Oh,

boy, did you all spot me.

Let's go for it.

What happened from yesterday to today? What'd you do? Change the style?

No, I shot the same way yesterday. I just squeezed the trigger.

It's dangerous.

Good night, Beckman. Why is she laughing at us? Here we go. All right, break it

up. Hey, look, come here.

Yesterday, you hit 10 out of 10. Today, you almost killed somebody. What

happened? I never hit the target yesterday.

I never hit the target in my life. What are you talking about? I saw the bull's

eyes myself.

It wasn't me, Sergeant. It must have been somebody else. Excuse me. Are you

finished with this topic? Yes, I am.

You realize I lost a fortune on you and I don't like to lose money?

Bullseye. Why do you think I had to transfer to the motorboat?

To change tires?

Bullseye. The way you handle a rifle, I can do that myself.

Bullseye. That's what I want to hear. Bullseye.

Bullseye.

She did such in a row.

Miss, do you realize you just hit three bullseyes in a row?

Why, of course. What else are you supposed to do?

Yesterday I had 10 out of 10 before they chased me away.

10 out of 10?

Young lady, are you here again?

I told you yesterday you weren't allowed on this rifle range. She's not allowed,

sir. We shouldn't be allowed.

Quiet, Bilko.

Private, get back to your job and don't let me catch you here again.

Yes, sir.

You should know better than to let a woman shoot a rifle. Who knows what

she could have caused. Yes, sir.

Captain's right. I should never let her shoot.

I should never have had to shoot for less than $1 ,000 performance plus 10 %

the grosses. What performance?

Psychicist, state dance, rodeos, television.

Do you realize I can get rich with a gun and I don't have to stick anybody up

there? And we can win our money back from merchants. All right, just for fun.

Thanks, but after that, it's on. Fame and fortune, I can just see it now.

Buffalo Bilko presents the modern Andy Oakley. Punch -up, Polly, Porter.

Yeah! Look, wander.

Wander around the right place.

Maybe if I...

Is there anything else, Colonel?

Oh, yes. It seems that Camp Everett in Texas is requesting a WAC replacement.

Send them anyone we can spare.

Well, there's that new girl, Polly Porter. She's from Texas. She'd probably

delighted. Good. Have her orders cut and tell her to get ready to leave in the

morning. Yes, sir. Oh, and by the way, Corporals, did they ever find out who

shot that water pitcher out of my hand?

No, sir.

Give me another one.

See if they have any bulletproof glass for my window.

Bulletproof recruits learn how to shoot. Yes, sir.

news for you. What is it, Edna? You're being transferred in the morning to Camp

Everett, Texas.

Camp Everett?

Yeah. Well, that's just a hoot and a holler from Banjo City. Yeah. Don't that

all? Fire! Fire on the set!

Oh, excuse me, girls. Every time I see your loveliness, I think I'm at a movie

studio. I just can't wait till they start shooting humans into space.

Oh, come now, Edna. No time for science fiction chit -chat.

There you are, Miss Porter. Oh, you're right. You're right, Rocco. The most

beautiful girls in the world do come from Texas.

Oh, Sargent, you're making me blush. My compliments to your feeling.

It's like the sunrise coming up over the oil fields.

There, that piece.

A little token of our esteem.

Just a sample of your glorious home steak. That's real sweet.

Oh, by the way, Miss Polly, we admire the way you handled a rifle today.

Yes, and we're going to break an age -old custom and let a girl in.

Into what?

The Buffalo Bilko Amateur Rifle Shooting Club. Of course, you'll have to be

vouched for by two sharpshooters. Oh, we'll vouch for it.

Splendid, you're in. May I introduce two sharpshooters? This is Bang Bang

Marbella and this is Dead Eye Henshaw.

That's his dead eye right there.

Rifle club, where do you shoot? Old state fairs, rodeos, television.

You can sign this application blank and I'll arrange for your bullets and

customs. Gee, I'd love to join.

She'd love to join.

But I'm being shipped out of Camp Fremont in the morning. Being shipped

Shipped out where?

To Camp Everett in Texas.

Ain't I lucky? No, but you can't do that. The Rifle Club hasn't got a branch

Texas. Oh, no, I won't let you go. I won't. I am sorry, Sergeant, but the

makes up the rules, not me.

No, don't you bet on it, Miss Polly. You know, the Army does change its mind.

Well, General Custard, this looks like your last stand. Yeah, our fortune is

going back to Texas, and we need it more than they do. Oh, shut up. I'll stop

her. There must be a way. A way.

Hey, I got an idea.

What? Why don't you marry him?

Hit him, Ernie?

No. You hit him? It's a great idea.

Are you going to marry him? Of course not, but the colonel's going to think I

am. Give me a ring. Who's got a ring? I got a high school graduate. That'll do.

Give me, give me. All right, now get out of here and watch the money -mad fool

go to work.

Come in.

Good afternoon, Colonel, sir.

I wanted my composure paper on you. Would you hold my money for safekeeping,

sir? Why, is it hot, Belko?

I'm sort of setting it aside, sir. Sort of a little nest egg. Saving it for a

rainy crap game, Bilbo?

I really like that, sir. I guess she was right.

She? Oh, darn. That slipped out. It was supposed to be a secret, sir.

You see, sir, please hold the money. I have my eyes set on this darling little

bedroom set. It's bird -eyed maple with little Cupid carvings on the headboard,

sir. Bill Carr, are you going with a girl?

Oh, yes, sir.

It's all over me. I'll be still my foolish heart. Why, that's wonderful,

When is the big day going to be?

Pretty soon, sir. I've already picked out the ring, sir. I wish I could let

touch it.

Well,

Belkow, bedroom set, ring.

Well, it seems to have...

Made a new man out of you. Yes, and I guess I owe it all to that certain

sir. Oh, yes, sir, and here are my cards and my dice. I've already burned the

roulette wheel, sir.

Wilco, any girl that can do this to you must be one in a million. She is, sir.

Who is it?

Oh, she's a whack -on -the -post, sir. Isn't it wonderful? We can always be

together. What's her name?

Oh, sir, I... I promise that. Oh, now, come on, Bill.

What's her name? Is that an order, sir? Yes.

Poopsy. Polly Porter, sir. Polly Porter.

Polly Porter.

Oh, no.

Bill, go on. I'm afraid I have some disturbing news for you. Your Polly's

sent to Texas.

Oh, when is she coming back, sir? She's not coming back. It's a permanent

transfer. She's not coming back? You shipped her out of here, but I have to

sleep on this lovely apartment, sir.

Now, calm yourself.

Thank God, there might as well be my stable. Wait, Mr.

McGill. Oh, no, not that big.

I'll send someone else to Texas. Yes, I will. I will.

You'll see. Just wait. Just wait.

Edna, back!

You're going to Texas in the morning in place of Private Porter.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Will I be invited to the wedding, Mr. McGill? Sir, on my word, if there's a

wedding, you'll be invited, sir.

I'll be able to join your rifle club now.

Oh, wonderful.

Hey, look, we're having a rifle shoot on the rifle race tomorrow at 12 o 'clock.

You be there.

I'll be there, Sergeant.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Two hundred, two fifty, three hundred. There you are, Rupert. We harked

everything to cover your bet. Okay, you're right. Now, where's your man?

Here comes my man now.

Say,

Booker, who is she, the hostess? Oh, she's my man.

Look, you really must have flipped your fuss.

Yeah? We'll see who's flipped this fuss. Polly, I want you to meet your

opponent, Pete Matthews. All right, Ritchie. Best out of 25 shots. You

Ladies first.

That's your pleasure. Okay. Polly, hey, Polly, come on, pay attention.

Show them, Polly. This is where they get put in the bow. Come on, honey. Come

on, pay attention. Shoot.

Boy, what a miss.

Polly, Polly, watch. Something in your eye.

Oh, come on. Pay attention.

Show them what you can do. Shoot.

Hey, where's the scouts of it, buddy? You're not that real buddy, are you?

up. Come on, shoot.

What do you want to do, break up the club?

She's tired. She needs a rest. It's safer that way.

Go ahead and shoot, Pete.

Where'd it go? He missed.

Hey, circle down and shoot straight, Pete.

See, don't be afraid of being a lady.

Another miss!

Let's call this guy off. I think you're right. Before someone starts shooting

back, give me the money.

Hey,

what's the matter with you two?

Molly, you want to go to the PX for a soda?

I'd go anywhere for a soda with you.

Look, what's with these two? Are they in a fog?

They're not in a fog, pal. They're in love.

But they only just met.

It doesn't make any difference. I had the same look when I saw my first dollar

bill. It stays with you forever, boy.

I've been practicing. You want to see me shoot? Hey, Mill, do me a favor. Get

away from here. I hope he's yours. You can't do that. Look, take him in your

platoon, will you? All right.

I'll give you back your television set and ten dollars in cash. Just keep him

away from me. It's a deal.

All right. Sergeant Grover, you want to see me shoot? Go ahead.

Bullseye!

Bullseye!

Bullseye! Bullseye, where Bullseye?

Bullseye!

There it is, boys. That's life.

You raise them, you care for them, and then they grow up and then they leave

you. You want to leave me, huh?

Go ahead, Emil. Shoot the old sod. Shoot me in the back. Also seen in tonight's

cast were Peggy Cass as Polly Porter, Bill Bramley as Pete Masters, Leo

as Private Emil Schneider, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, and Larry Douglas as Captain Anderson.