Original subtitles

Five U .S. government -inspected pizzas en route 99.

Our own pizza stand.

Correction. Our first pizza stand.

Today it's Grove City, tomorrow the world!

There's only one thing that makes me feel a little sad.

Well, what's that, then? I hate putting the skids under Howard Johnson.

There's no room for sentiment in big business, pal. Hey, Sarge! What?

Paparelli just called from the stand. He's got all the burners going.

Boy, our first batch of pizzas are on the way. All right, let's move it. Hey,

but that's a lot of hand -built sped up.

Sarge! Sarge!

I just finished breaking the menu. Do you want to check it before I take it

down? Yeah, let me look at that. Anchovy pizza, 40 cents. Mushroom pizza, 40

cents. Except it went out for an empty with a siren.

Sergeant's pizza, 45 cents. Cheese pizza, 35 cents.

One -ton pizza, 50 cents. One -ton pizza? Oh, yes, that's for the gourmet's

taste. East meets west in your mouth.

It's crazy.

Sir, I managed it well.

Ladies and gentlemen, a historic moment. Today, we set the eating world on fire.

Move it, Toby, move it.

I'll tell you one thing, officer. If this is your beat, I'm going to see that

you get plenty of free pizzas. I'm not a policeman. I'm a fireman.

Fireman? What?

Where's the fire?

Where's my stand?

Where's the pizza?

Fire's over. Go on home. Go on home. We don't... Go on, go on.

Where's my pizzas?

What happened?

That's my dad. What happened? Where's my stand? I don't know. It was here a

minute ago. Will you try something special?

Pizza's on a flaming sword. Suddenly the wind shifted.

It was an accident. An accident?

An accident?

What did I get here?

A $500 less drink.

Where's the list? The list.

Things to do today. Get a hundred pounds of flour, get a jar of pimentos, and

get fire insurance.

We don't have fire insurance. We don't even have pimentos.

Get a broom and sweep up our holdings? Don't worry, they'll get paid back every

cent. Oh, sure, sure.

Maybe we can open a nightclub in this spot and call up the embers.

You think you'd be too busy making fires?

No, sir. I'd tell you if I didn't need you for evidence.

What evidence?

You and Paparelli are going to be the charcoal -broiled proof evidence that I

was sold a fire trap.

You mean you're going to sue the real estate agent?

No, unless he wants to settle out of court. I know I'm ready to settle. Are

Yeah, I am.

Are you?

It's burnt, but delicious.

This is ridiculous, Bilko. You

can't hold me responsible for that fire. Oh, can't I indeed?

You sold us a tinderbox.

You should have had fire insurance.

I was just signing the fire insurance paper when a spark from the pen ignited

the entire building. And furthermore, I have witnesses to prove this. Is that

right, witnesses?

Yes.

Bilko, you haven't got a case and you know it. I got a fortune tied up in

Sell my pizzas through the mail?

A restaurant.

A restaurant?

Yes, I've got a wonderful location for you. The old Rose City Hotel.

It's been deserted for years. You can have it very cheaply. That old barn, you

must be kidding. The only reason that isn't condemned, the inspector is afraid

to go in there.

Oh, I see what you're doing. That's very clever, Mr. Chairman. Trying to sell me

a new place so I'll forget all about the fire at the old place. Now, will you

not get away with it? I hope you're responsible.

Responsible indeed.

You will be up on the nightgowns in front. Why, you can smell the smoke

to here.

Right. I can't smell the smoke. My weight, Peter!

What happened?

I was lighting a match and the wind shifted.

anchovies just came in. What are we going to do with them? Throw them in the

river. Maybe they'll swim back to Italy.

What am I going to do with the sign?

Burn it.

In a furnace?

No, put it next to Zimmerman and Paparelli. They'll know what to do.

Brand opening today.

Yeah. We didn't need an ad. All we had to do was wait till the night we'd had a

front page headline.

Fire sweeps.

Pizzarama.

I'll save the ad as memento anyway.

Like the luck I'm in? All the work I did, I wound up with a memento. A

Did you say the pimentos came soft?

He'll put this in a scrapbook and we know what not to do next time.

Hey,

listen to this.

Oscar Perkins, vice president of the Comrade Hilton hotel chain, will make a

special visit to Grove City on Saturday.

When asked the purpose of this trip, Mr. Perkins said, no comment.

Well, that's very interesting. Now, what about the weather report for the month?

I just read you the weather report.

It's going to be raining.

Raining dollars.

Don't you get it? Oh, that cagey Comrade.

He's trying to circle the globe with Hilton Hotels, right? What would

the chain? A Hilton Hotel right here in Grove City. The last link in the chain.

How about that? How about that? Around the world in 80 hotels.

Where do you suppose he's going to build a hotel here in Grove City? The only

logical place he can build it. On the site of the old Grove City Hotel.

Now, you know what we're going to do? Yeah. We're going to get out of that

estate office. We're going to buy that old hotel for peanuts. We're going to

sell it to Conrad Hilton for a fortune. You reach out, my student. He knows me

now.

And with the money we make for that, we're going to open another pizza stand.

Jake.

Come on.

Just a moment. Just a moment. Now, what are you going to buy this hotel with? We

were just wiped out.

And only a couple of hundred dollars will do it, too. A couple of hundred

dollars. Everybody's tapped out.

Well, fellas, I hate to say it, but we're going to have to do it. Do what?

Sell the car. Oh, not the car. We've got to. We've got to make a sacrifice. We

need the money. Yeah, but the car. The car. The car. What?

Ritzik isn't using it.

We'll sell it for him.

It wasn't your fault. And as a token of our friendship, I'd like you to accept

this asbestos waste paper message.

Yes, I realized I was a little hot under the collar after the fire, and I... Oh,

that is rather... You see, I seem to have lost everything but my sense of

Well, Velkoff, if there's anything I could ever do for you, just let me know.

Splendid. Well, as a matter of fact, there is something you can do. You see,

were thinking of opening a fortune -telling parlor. Fortune telling father?

isn't it exciting? You see, we have the gypsies. Now, all we need is an empty

store. Gypsies in Grove City?

Oh, yes.

A caravan of them arrived here yesterday. As a matter of fact, their

waiting for a call from me at Wally's Garage. Well, I don't have an empty

but I do have a wonderful office for rent.

Office?

May I use your phone? Yes, help yourself. Thank you very much.

Hello,

Wally. This is Bilbo. Have you got a gypsy there?

Yes, let me speak to him, please.

You want to know, is there room to sleep in the back? I'm afraid not.

You see, he has to have a place to

sleep and to work and to keep their tachulis.

Tachulis? The chickens.

The Grove City Hotel.

You're kidding that, Oba. If I suggest that to the king, he'll hit me on the

head with his tambourine.

Forget the office, when I say care. How about scary Grove City Hotel?

Money? He wants to know, how much is the rent?

$40 a month.

It's $40 a month.

He doesn't understand.

I'll lend you a pencil. I can give him a figure.

Okay.

It comes to $600 million.

Are you serious?

What did he say?

He doesn't want to rent. He wants to buy.

I'll tell him he's flipped his bandana. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

The present owner would just love to sell. You could have the hotel at a very

reasonable price.

How much?

Four thousand.

Is that dollars or papaskis? Dollars.

Okay.

It comes to 18 billion papaskis.

He says make it 17 billion and you've got a deal. You want me to come down a

billion papaskis?

Arise me to close the deals.

When did I get the papers?

Oh, uh, Mr. Cartwell, will you come in, please?

Of course. I'll need a cash down payment. Oh, I understand. Here you are.

$300 so I can arrange a mortgage. No, but I have a triple -A rating at the

California banks. You know that, of course. That's right. Well, just sign

there where it's marked.

And the hotel is yours. N -S -G Bilko. There you are. The last link of the

chain.

Yes, Mr. Sherman. Miss Cardwell, I'd like to send a telegram, please. Yes,

like to send one of these through to you, if you don't mind. To the Conrad

Hilton Hotels.

Attention, Oscar Perkins. Oh, wait a second. I'm going to send that. Dear Mr.

Perkins, no need for your trip to Grove City. Have just disposed of Hilton Hotel

property. The Hilton Hotel property?

Yes, the Grove City Hotel was the property of Hilton Hotels. They've been

to get rid of it for years.

It's the last thing that changed. Who said that?

I did.

To him.

And he believed me.

We could sell the hotel to her. Oh, sure. All we have to do is find a rich

termite. What are we going to use to buy Ritchie's car back? Will you lay off

me? We'll worry about that when we come to it. Well, we've just come to it. Here

comes Ritchie with a cop. With a cop?

What happened? You arrested?

Officer, I can vouch for this man. He was with me all night.

No, Bill Cole. My car is stolen and we're just checking around town.

Stolen? How do you know it's stolen? Maybe Emma drove off it and left you. No

such luck. She's home and the car is gone.

Stolen. Did you see a green 1947 Kaiser Fraser parked around here? No, I didn't.

It had Emma's baby shoes on a windshield and one white war tie.

Wait a minute. Did you see a green Kaiser Fraser? Yeah. There it goes,

Where? Right there, up that main street. Run after it.

Is it stolen?

It isn't? No, I'm selling it for you. I wish it was stolen.

I got a client for the car. He's driving it home to show it to his wife. I don't

care. I want it back.

All right, I'll call Seattle. As soon as he gets there, I'll have him turn

around and drive it back here. It should take about a week. A week?

What did you do with my car? All right, I'll level with you. I took it.

So you're the crook. Police!

Police!

I'm telling you, I sold the car for you.

Well, why'd you say so?

How much did you get for it? 300 bucks.

Hey, that's great, Ernie. Give me the money. I haven't got it. Police! Police!

Now, look, I invested it for you in a sure -fire proposition.

Well, that's different. What did you invest it in? The Grove City Hotel.

Police! Police!

Will you stop it?

Tell me I'm going to get you double your money or triple your money in no time

at all. All I ask is give me a week. I'll give you three days. You have that

money back or else. Or else you'll tell the police?

Worse. I'll tell Emma.

My life is in the hands of Emma Rupert Rittich.

Look, we've got to find a way to sell that hotel.

There must be some way you can get rid of a broken -down hotel.

Why don't you ask Conrad Hilton? He just did it.

I just assume go to jail for murderous velocity.

Hey, soldier, how about a dime for a cup of coffee?

Did you come to the wrong place?

Look, maybe we can sell that hotel to the army as an obstacle course. It's the

perfect booby trap.

Oh, I get it. You already had your coffee, so nobody else can get theirs.

come on, knock it off. The minute I finish this coffee, I'm in the same boat

with you. Oh, give me that, buddy.

I know what you soldiers make home every month.

Your salary is paid out of my taxes.

How about a dime?

Take my coffee. I'm creaming it. I drink it black.

Now I'm the caterer.

Oh, a wise guy.

That's what we got. An army of comedians.

Will you please leave? We don't allow soliciting in here. I beg your pardon.

not a solicitor. I'm a customer. Well, what do you want?

A dime for a cup of coffee.

And I wouldn't eat here now, yes.

What are you waiting for?

A dime.

Remember, you may forget this incident, but Chester J. Hilton, look.

Remember, someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday you'll

to reckon with Chester J. Hilton. Remember that name.

Why do you want to be your friend? I don't make friends with nobody.

Of course, you can have a cup of coffee.

You want to talk to him. Not without my coffee. Not without my dime.

Am I supposed to be burning in your kitchen? You do?

Yes. Just take it easy, Mr. Hilton. Sorry,

Mr. Alexander Graham Bell.

There's nothing burning.

Oh, it must have been the marvelous aroma of your coffee that I smelled.

There's your dime. Get him a cup.

See how I like that cup. Tell her. I would like to have it black.

How come you're treating that panhandler like a millionaire? Because he's going

to be one. As a matter of fact, we all are. From what?

From what? From the Grove City Hilton Hotel.

But Ernie, you can't get away with that. Why not? We got a hotel. We got a

Hilton. Oh, I'll come right in, Mr. Hilton.

You can call me John. Oh, I'm glad to call you Mr. Hilton. That is your name,

isn't it? Oh, John, you don't need.

Why, my great -grandfather was Lord Quincy Hilton of Her Majesty's Third

And I'm just a genuine heir apparent.

Right, there it is, Chester J. Hilton, right under the stake.

You don't happen to be related to Conrad Hilton, the hotel man?

That ain't keeper.

Oh, excuse me.

Look, I was just wondering, Mr. Hilton, how would you like to make a reasonable

amount of money lending your name to a commercial project?

Oh, you can't be serious.

We Hiltons have never been in trade.

Oh, I dreaded a day when I would have to bow to crass commercials.

But, Lord Talbot said, what's your proposition?

Beautiful, gentlemen.

In a few minutes, the doors will open and the world will feast their eyes on

fabulously filthy Grove City Hilton Hotel.

Well, I hope your plan works fast. They're going to have to stay in this

overnight. Don't worry, pal. Bad news travels fast.

The middle of the Hilton is about this garbage pit. I'll have one of his

representatives down here to buy us out. Yeah, they never let this dump ruin the

reputation of their hotels.

Reminds me, I'd better alert the staff and give them the last minute

instructions. All right, staff.

There's one thing I demand.

I demand this from my staff.

Rudeness and discourtesy to the customers.

Do you understand that?

Fender, you're the doorman. Go outside.

What for? There's no door.

The customers, that's you. Move it. All right, now, let me see. Who is my mate

today? I am, sir.

We'll have a place open in an hour.

Hey, Sarge, there's a car pulling up.

Now, first, customers, get to your stations. You know what to do. Move it.

it.

Are you sure this is our Hilton Hotel?

Yes, I knew our decor would thrill you. As a matter of fact, our architects try

to capture the excitement of Old Grove City. I see you're looking at the webs,

madam. Oh, yes.

We flew in spiders over a month ago to stop their spinning.

Spiders? Oh, you told me about them. If one gets on you, just call room savers

and they'll... Oh, is that one there? Oh, I don't know.

You see, we've been traveling across the country and we've been stopping at

Hilton Hotels all the way. And I must say, they've been very, very good.

But this is rather unusual. Let me assure you, sir, that this is the Hilton

Hotel. Now, if you'll just come over to the register, please.

Yes, sir. Dear, you ought to go right on through and stay at the Beverly Hilton.

I just can't drive another mile.

All right, you got a pen?

No, have you?

I'll go to the hotel, Captain, and get you registered. Grant, look out!

That's the original plaster, you know.

You folks got any luggage?

Yes, it's in the car.

Well, you better go out and get it. You don't want to be getting dressed in the

car all the time.

Oh, Palomino Room. It's very quaint. It used to be the stable. Oh, and you had

it remodeled? No, it's still a stable. It was just put in the double.

I'll call Marie to have the room serviced. Marie!

Oh, what's this?

That is a lot of fun.

We wish you were free. Will you make up the old Palomino Room?

Never mind.

Dear, I don't care how tired you are. I'm not staying here. You're perfectly

right. This place is a disgrace.

And believe me, I'm going to write to the main Hilton office about it. Good

heavens, all right. Wire!

That's what you are.

That's just such a bag for a towel.

ways to satisfy customers.

Three more, Commissar. Three more. Watch it, everybody.

Heavens, they haven't changed this hotel since I was a boy.

How do you do, folks?

Welcome to the Hilton Hotel. Anything I can... Watch it. That ceiling's liable

to go again any moment.

I never expected the inside of a Hilton Hotel to look like this. Well, this is

our new policy. See, no fancies, no frills, and you save on the bills. Now,

what... Good heavens, why are we all standing? Sit down, folks. Sit down,

Tell me, what can I do?

Oh,

it's just a matter of time. We'll fix that for the living.

Come back this way and tell me, folks, what can I do for you all?

We're a committee from the Grove City PTA, and every year we hold a banquet.

Please, madam, say no more. Our banquet facilities are known the world over.

I'll call on Major D. Philippe, and he'll plan, I'm sure, a most festive

for you.

Philippe!

These good folks are having a good time. Can I have your assistance for a

festive evening?

Why, you listen to Philip. He has catered to the crown heads of Europe.

you read his book. I fed them all. Take care of the folks, won't you, Philippe?

Well, what do folks have on mind?

Chicken, steak, soup?

I really can't think of food just now. Well, why do we bother our little heads

about it until we can stop around the kitchen and think of something spicy?

can do that to me.

Really, ladies, perhaps we'd better go somewhere else. I think a fresh air

picnic would be much better.

This place is a disgrace. It could ruin it. There he is. Yes, Mr. Perkins,

that's the man I sold the hotel to. Mr. Bilko, I demand that you close this

hotel at once or I will take legal action. You have no right to call this a

Hilton hotel.

Just you watch those accusations.

How dare you put up the name Hilton? Because that's the name of our beloved

president. You are lying, Bilko. I just left Mr. Hilton in his office.

Sir, I don't know who you left in your office, but our beloved president is

sleeping there in the piano in the music room.

Mr. Hilton.

Mr. Hilton. Oh.

Jane,

what's all the noise about? Mr. Hilton, I'm sorry to disturb you while I wanted

to clean up an illegal matter.

it up down, please.

And there it is, gentlemen, in red, white, and blue. Chester J. Hilton. And

hope your man can show the same proof.

I need it on my chest. That flat can swing when I take a deep breath.

Want to see it, lady? Oh!

How about that?

Mr. Hilton, please, about the tag. I see your game now, Wilco. Do you? All

right. How much to buy you out? Well, it's hard to put a monetary value on a

hotel that I have such a deep, sentimental feeling for. Well, try.

$10 ,000?

I'll give you $5 ,000.

Mr. Perkins, you just bought yourself a hotel and you don't even have to change

the name. Well, you gentlemen will come to my office. I have all the papers

there to sign.

Very well. Boys, get in, quickly.

We'll just close the deal. Everything's all set. You close up the hotel. Let's

go. Where's the president? Where's our president?

Chester, Chester, come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

If you will sign this, Bilko, I will give you a check for $5 ,000.

Splendid. Splendid.

NST. Bilko, there you are.

if Mr. Hilton was signed? Signed at Chester?

Say, how much do I get out of this, Bilko? Half.

$2 ,500.

Think of that in terms of dimes. Signed at Chester.

You know, I was just beginning to like this hotel game. Look, you've worked

enough. It's time to retire.

Signed at Chester. Signed.

I've got a mad thing with those fire engines trying to get in here.

I'll pose them into Chester.

Fire engines.

Paparelli, Zimmerman. Signed. Signed at Chester. Quick. Signed. Maybe I can

start a chain. Oh, never mind. Later. Sign. Sign now. Sarge, can we speak to

a minute? Later. Sign, Chester. Sign. Later. We'll have the barbecue

later. Sign. Sign. Mr. Chairman, the Grove City Hotel just burned down. What?

We just lit a match to see how the gas generated. Oh, and the wind shifted.

Well, Mr. Perkins, I don't think we'll have to sign anything now. They're out

with the hotel business.

The score's straight policy.

It beat Napoleon. Now it beat me. Oh, just a moment, Wilco.

My company doesn't like to profit by other people's misfortunes. We will pay

back exactly what you paid for the Grove City Hotel, providing that you will

sign a waiver relinquishing all rights to the property and the name. I'll sign

it before they burn it.

Hey, soldier.

All right, all right. Knock it off, Chester. There'll be no more dance for

coffee. Oh, you offend me. I was about to ask you to join me.

Oh, miss.

Crullers all around.

Hey, where'd you get all that money? A small consideration paid by Mr. Hilton

for changing my name.

Yeah. I'm glad to see somebody make something out of this deal. Well, so

Chester. Name's not Chester anymore.

It's Walter.

Walter. Well, that's nice. Walter Rockefeller. Also

seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr.

Buckley, Nelson Olmsted as Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall,

Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.