Original subtitles

Here.

Here. Here. Here.

Here.

I've never been so tired in my life. Well, who told you to play poker for 22

hours straight?

Sleep for a week.

Hanch, do me a favor. Yes, sir. Keep the platoon quiet. My head is killing me.

Sure. In you go, sir. Everything all set?

Shades down? Right.

Give it to me nice and sweet, boy.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him with these bare hands.

What is this, a blackboard jungle?

It's a crazy sound, man, but lower the volume.

What is this? Tell them who I am. Who are you?

He's one of the new recruits, Sarge. Private Sanders. Oh, man, skip that

jazz. Skinny's the name. What's yours, pops?

They find me. The weirdos find me. Tell them who I am, Rocco. Look, soldier,

this is Sergeant Filko. He's in charge here. And what he says goes.

Crazy, man. Every combo needs a leader.

Stay loose, Charlie.

If you keep flipping your wig, you're going to wind up in the rubber room at

funny farm.

All right, I won.

That's it.

Keep on making noise. The fingers go next. You understand?

You don't like to do it. Put it away. Bring it up.

Come

on,

man. Live and let live.

Now, listen, you.

You're new around here, so I'm controlling myself. But we got rules

After midnight, it's quiet unless there's a national emergency or a crap

that I'll put you on.

Well, that's just too bad. Five hours on your back is enough. Come on.

You're wrong, Daddy -O. I need another five hours on my flip side.

Now, now, look.

You listen to me. We got rules around here. You sleep when we sleep. You work

when we work. Oh, Pops, I ain't working today. It's a holiday.

sort of hold back. Who do you hide it from?

What's the matter?

Thought I heard a noise.

There's nobody in the barracks. All the boys went to Grove City.

Okay. Skinny, you really got some original bunny belligans? Way back.

Dig these.

for catching me gambling.

Well? Oh, it wasn't Branson. Just Skinny Sanders and some girls. Okay, cool.

Hey,

hey! What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?

Oh, come on, Jack. Don't bug me now. We're having a little concert. A

You know what can happen if they find her in the barracks? It's the rock pile

for all of us.

What are you staring at? Watch the door. Do you know how illegal this is? Oh,

Daddy, oh, don't be so square.

Now, look, I don't want any trouble with you. You don't have to leave here,

miss. Don't give me that jazz pop.

I was 17.

I don't... Don't touch me. Get away. Don't touch me. Come on.

Don't touch me. Not there. My room. Don't touch me. Not there. Not there.

Out with you.

Out with you.

All right, ma 'am. Go to the barracks.

Sir, I... One side, Sergeant. I wish you wouldn't go in my room now, sir. It's

such a mess. The maid didn't arrive yet, sir.

There's no time for nonsense. Step aside. I admit it, sir. We were

you found out I'll never know, sir. Have you ever considered a career?

F .B .I .s. Bill Cole, you're wasting my time. Yes, we are, sir. We confess.

All right, men. Let's take our punishment right, men. To the

on. One, two, three, four. That's it, sir.

Full credit for this arrest. All right, men. One, two, three, four.

Bill Cole, I am not interested in your gambling activities right now. In that,

sir? No, if you must know, we got a call from the police chief in Grove City,

and we're searching every building on the post.

Something stolen, sir? In a way, yes. His daughter is missing.

a black teen heading toward Camp Fremont with a soldier. With a soldier?

Is she a redhead, sir, almost 17?

That's right, Corporal. You saw her? About an hour ago, sir. She was headed

toward the post movie with a little fat soldier. I love you.

She's been there 20 years of my life. Now, Sanders,

I want to tell you something. I want you to dig me real good. You know you got

me, Bob?

Bob's real good, and I want you out. Out of camp, out of my life.

I get them.

Good morning,

sir. May I say you have no confining chipper this morning, sir? Get to the

point. Don't go. I'm in no mood for you this morning. Or any other morning. Sir,

this is strictly a military matter, sir. Would you sign this, please?

What is it? An application for transfer, sir.

Bilko.

I'm serious, sir. I think when the soldier becomes destructive to the

order of a post, sir, that man should be sent someplace else, sir. Wilco, I

agree with you 100%. Thank you, sir. I'll call the colonel in Chicago

immediately. Why call the colonel, sir? You have full authority to sign a

transfer, sir. I know, but when the colonel hears you're leaving, I'm sure

want to celebrate.

I'm not leaving.

This transfer is for one of my men. As far as I'm concerned, Camp Fremont is my

second home, sir.

I knew it.

Oh, before I forget, do you have a private... Sanders in your outfit? Do I?

to here, sir. Major Powell has requested he be transferred to Camp Otis.

Camp Otis? In Alaska?

Wonderful. Shoveling slow in Alaska, that'll be the coolest, sir.

Shoveling, they tell me, Sanders is a rather famous jazz musician.

Well,

Alaska's game is our loss, so I'll have him packed in the jiffy and out he is.

Famous? Skinny famous?

Told he's right up there with the big money makers.

Money makers?

Yes, you know, like Gene Krupa.

And all those others?

Skinny? My Skinny, a famous money maker? What are you mumbling about, Bilko?

Well, if I may say so, sir, I think it's an outrage what Major Powell is trying

to pull around here, sir.

What? Don't you see it, sir? An all -G .I. band led by the famous Skinny

Sanders?

You think so, Bilko? Of course, sir. Don't you see it, sir?

An RGI international goodwill tour? The same kind of a tour that Louis Armstrong

made for the State Department, sir?

Yes, Bilko, I see. Then it makes my blood boil to think that Major Powell

get credit for an idea that was practically yours.

He does have a nerve. He does indeed, sir. What's he going to do with that

bucket for promotion, sir? There's only one thing, Bilko. All we have is skinny

Sanders. What about the rest of the band?

You'll just leave that to me, sir. You just stall Major Powell for a few days,

sir. Go to it, Bilko. Thank you, sir. What about that filter you want to

transfer? Oh, uh...

I decided, sir, to give him another chance to adjust himself to the band.

Uh, to the platoon, sir.

You mean Skinny just took off? Just like that. What does it look like? This

place is square as a chair. I don't dig you, Boy Scouts. Over and out Skinny.

Good, good riddance.

Maybe now we can get some fleas.

Where's my little money maker? Sarge, we got good news for you. Not now, kid.

Now I'm thinking of London, Rome, Paris. Where is he? Who?

Skinny's standing there. He really sends me.

Sarge, yesterday you hated him. Hate?

Use a word like hate when you're talking about a great artist. Please, get in.

Send him to the motor pool. If he hides one thing on a truck of money... No, no,

listen, Sarge. He went over the hill. He wanted to smoke.

Oh, no.

Check the railroad station. Check the airport.

Get a jeep and search the roads. Bring it back.

Yesterday you didn't like him. Today you want to find him.

Look, Sanders, Bilko wants to see you, so move it. Come on. Man, it's maturing

to go on and hear about this. Is this the way you treat the private?

Get out of my room. Get out.

You've got to forgive him, skinny boy. Hey, what gives, Bilko? I was heading

the bright lights.

All right, I'm going to live with you, skinny. I'll admit at first we didn't

you. But now we're going to see that you have a ball.

I hear you, man, but your message is fuzzy.

All right.

The star is standing in attack. Quickly, on the double. Sit down, skinny boy.

How was the time again?

Your own jazz group, right here at Camp Fremont. Well, lay it on me, man.

What? Tell me more.

Oh.

All right, now dig this.

Skinny Sanders and his old khaki combo.

Man, that sounds real ring -a -ding.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

You touched that?

Touched? Man, I ain't been so shook up since Artie Shaw's first wedding.

Hold on a second.

My own combo.

Hey, Sarge, you think we could pick up on any...

excitement around here. Don't worry about it. Let me handle it, pal. How's

sounding? Now dig this.

An all -G .I. goodwill European tour like Dizzy and Satchmo made.

Man, I'm with you. I hear the other side of Pond is jumping with swinging

chicks.

Give me the record. Reserve it for me. Spread the word. Skinny Sanders has

an audition for a musician for his own band. Run it over.

Oh, in a few weeks you and Bridget Bardot are going to be ooh -la -la.

There's only one thing bugging me, man. What's that?

I don't speak French.

So what? You do good here. You don't speak English.

I think that's it.

Hold it. Hold it.

My head.

I mean my blood.

This is a beautiful dream.

Would you believe it? 10 ,000 soldiers in this camp, not one musician.

How do you figure it, Ernie? Who knows? Maybe the army psychiatrists are

cracking down.

Don't you worry. I'm going to get a band if I have to draft one. I want that

tour. But Sarge, you've auditioned everybody.

So what? If you don't...

Draft the band.

That was a great idea. Who said that? You said that.

See, I should learn to listen to myself.

What's the name of that place in San Francisco that Skinny is always tuning

into? The Purple Pair. The Purple Pair. That's where I'll get the rest of the

combo. But Sarge, you can't get a whole band drafted.

Well, of course not. They're going to enlist.

Wait a minute, Ernie. This plan of yours isn't illegal, is it? Ain't sure. When

are you going to wise enough?

Smart people never break the law. They just bend a little.

George Washington fit. That's what Skinny said. He said he wouldn't play

club date without you cats.

Who do you got out there?

Uh -uh. Skinny.

Hello? I'm Skinny, man. I swear to you, I'm a stack of sand canning

arrangements, man. What do you say, Jack?

What?

to do is you've got to hook up with a booking agency.

Which one?

The biggest with the mostest. The USA.

I heard the M's today, but what's the U .S.? That's not the U .S .A. That means

the United Swingers of America.

United Swingers of America sounds like a real good movement.

Solid. Solid. Now look, you guys can hear this address tomorrow at 12 o

noon, and I guarantee you by nightfall you'll be sitting here with Skinny.

about neatness.

Roger, what's this all about?

Well, I guess it's safe to tell you.

Five very important men are coming here to be recruited this afternoon. The

general himself will supervise things if we let it run smoothly. What are they,

atomic scientists or something?

No, you won't do this.

Roger.

Roger.

All right, Poggle, fix that tie.

And Henshaw, when did you shine your shoes last? An hour ago. Well, shine

again. I just think you see five or six specks on your left shoe.

He's lucky I caught that in time.

I've seen the general take away your man's stripes for less than that. He is

so... What's the matter, Sergeant?

When did you shave last?

This morning?

Well, maybe you'll get away with it for a minute. General, see, I keep your face

colored. Well, maybe you'd better go change again. You'd better take care of

that. I don't know how things might have gone. Go on, move it. Oh, thank you.

I'll tell those doctors to rush those five men through. The general hates to

kept waiting. Sure. Good job. Move it.

Get this sign.

Change those things.

Here they may be. We put them in the recruiting form.

Substitute them in.

Get that sign. Change it.

in his new band uniform.

Don't worry.

You're going to get yours.

Hey, man, the contract's all ready. Oh, I want to talk to you about that. Look,

you have to watch one... Now, look, the booking agents here at

USA, they're kind of weirdos, you understand, so play ball with them, you

Are these the men to be processed?

Oh, yes, sir. All right, two men, step in here, please, and strip down your

shorts. Crazy.

What do you mean, strip?

physical to all their clients.

What do you mean about it? It wasn't downbeat. I must have missed that one,

Come on, what do you say? Let's get out of my shorts, man. Move it. Okay.

It would be appreciated if you rushed with the examination of these men as

quickly as possible, sir. There's an emergency here. Emergency?

Yes. These men are due back at Cape Canaveral in the morning, sir.

Need I say more?

What are they, scientists?

Well, let's just say they work with delicate instruments, sir.

I see. Well, I'll do my best, Sergeant. Bring them in. Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, one other thing, sir. If these men seem a bit strange to you, please

remember they've been through extensive space travel experiments, sir. Really?

I'd venture a guess that one or two of them have been to the moon and back,

Shall we get on with it? We'll go with you, Professor, first. Would you mind

trying him first?

Get this over with. They're anxious to get the skinny and blast off. Yeah,

that's right. A touching incident, sir. They're anxious to get back to their

rocket, sir.

Oh, yes. Very commendable. Tell me, have you ever had rheumatic fever,

tuberculosis, malaria, stomach fever? Excuse me. Due to the emergency, are all

these questions necessary, sir? All these questions are necessary to the

examination. I'm sorry, sir. Do you imbibe alcoholic beverages?

Huh? Do you drink?

Drink? Man, I guzzle up a storm.

He's trying to say, sir, is that he's a social drinker, an occasional cocktail

in between experiments. I see.

Sir, do we have to go through all this? Every moment we delay increases Russia's

lead, sir.

Oh, very well, sir. Would you please sit there and I'll relax just across your

knees. Very well, that's fine. Oh, these men, these men are super.

Very strange.

Something wrong, sir?

His heart sounds very erratic.

Boom, boom, ba -boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom,

boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom,

boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom,

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom. Boom,

Don't you read?

Heck no, I play by ear.

What are you trying to say, sir? That's a code the scientists have. You see,

they use that code when they read radio signals from the satellites in orbit,

sir.

All right, Socrates, read the six lines.

Man, I can't. Yes, you can. Just do it like you say by ear.

I just hear it, man. It beat us everywhere.

I just hear it and I sit right in.

Oh,

doctor, I can see by the expression on your face he's been entertaining you. He

has a wonderful imagination.

He's incredible.

He's worth at least a chapter in the book I'm writing about my most

cases. Oh, you're writing a book? I can hardly wait for it to come out since

I've met the author. What is it to be called, sir? Notes of an Army

Psychiatrist. Notes of an Army Psychiatrist. Sounds like a bestseller

if I may say so, sir. I think at the back of the book there should be a

of you with a pipe in your mouth and this stamp, which says accepted, in your

hand. This stamp is a symbol of your authority, isn't it, sir? Yes. Perhaps

would make a better picture. A picture of you exercising your full authority

like this.

Oh. Oh,

what cases you must have handled, sir. Hundreds.

Hundreds. There's enough material there for a TV series. I can just see it now.

At the end of the program, a voice says, Mental case closed.

This has been a Gregory Lamont Mark 5 production.

I wonder how they go about getting it on the air. Leave it out for me.

I'm just going to help me, son. All right.

How about these silks? Good job. Pack them, man. Pack them. They've been going

for two years. Good job, son.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Skinny boy. Hi.

My combo's in formation, sir. Good, good. Oh, listen. Were the boys mad when

they found out they were really in the army? Oh, no, man. They just want to

which army.

They don't care where they are as long as we're together.

Hey, we better get out of here.

General Caldwell will be here in a few minutes with the traveling schedule.

Right, sir. I do hope we play the Riviera here. It's beautiful during the

season. Here we are,

Sarge. How do we look? Splendid, splendid.

Gentlemen, may I remind you, in a few moments we will all be leaving for

While we are there, we will be the sole representatives of the United States of

America.

This is Sergeant Bilko, who's mainly responsible for the success of this

project. Sergeant Bilko, I want to shake your hand.

This all -army jazz band goodwill tour is one of the most brilliant ideas I've

ever heard. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Bilko, could you do me a favor? Just name it, sir.

My steamer trunk is outside.

Will you see it get to the airport on time? Of course, sir.

Your steamer trunk, sir?

Certainly. It's a world tour. I may be gone for two years.

You may be... But, sir, I thought that I... Say no more, Bilko. I haven't

forgotten you.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

While we're all... in Europe. I want you to get busy and organize another all -G

.I. jazz band for the Pacific area.

Another band, sir?

Why not? Send the other 10 ,000 men here and you can find five or six musicians.

Well, our jet plane leaves from Paris in one hour.

Follow me, Sanders.

Sure thing, Big Daddy.

Hey, we're gonna miss you, man.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. You better cut out.

Combo! Ooh, pop it down, ooh, do your coo, turn to the right and move your

Ooh, bop, shabam, and ring -a -ding -dum.

They don't need a plane.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Ronnie Graham as Skinny Sanders, Larry Storch,

Mickey Deems, Joseph Ellick, Roger Landry and Bernard Reed as the Five

Diane Challett as the girl, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Nick Saunders as

Captain Parker, Gordon Peters as the psychiatrist, and John Boroff as General

Caldwell.