Original subtitles

33, 34, 35.

Well, it's not a fortune, but it'll do.

Ernie, be practical. How are we going to get by in Hollywood for three days and

only $35?

Because I know Hollywood. It's a big, open -hearted city that can't do enough

for a G .I. on leave.

And the women, oh, they're so sweet and generous.

Oh, I could tell you a story.

Never mind.

Oh, come on, Sarge, get out.

Yes, gentlemen.

During the last war, this G .I. came to Hollywood on leave. Right at the

station. I mean, but not a block away.

Right at the station sits this famous movie star in her beautiful convertible,

picks them up, gives them a lift. Sarge, who are she?

Please, no names?

You can understand. Yeah, we know. A few minutes later, the same G .I. is with

the star at Macabre Dance. And the wine is popping, and the porcs are flying,

and who's paying the check? The management is signing the chit -chat.

Hey, Sarge, do we know this soldier?

You know him. You know him.

May I tell you what happened?

Swimming in Malibu. Midnight swimming.

Back to a penthouse apartment.

Overlooking Sunset Boulevard.

What are you doing?

You want to hear the story?

The next boy in the same GI is at the MGM commissary.

Surrounded by starlets, redheads, brunettes, blondes. Kissing them babes

another. One babe.

Sarge, you must have had a ball, huh?

Me? I wasn't there.

Who was the soldier?

Jimmy Stewart.

If you're going for a minute, you've got to admit that.

Come on, let's go see if the dining car's over. Where you going? Where you

going? Have you forgotten we got a budget to live up to?

But, Sarge, I'm hungry.

Well, how are we going to have fun in Hollywood if you want to have the bare

necessities? Sarge, you said you were going to try and win some donut poker

game. With who? Who am I going to play with? The engineer? The conductor?

Usually on this train, there's a traveling salesman. Here, nothing.

All right, Porter, I'll take it from here. Yes, sir. Oh, here you are. Now,

uh... There you are. And don't spit it all in the same place now. Thank you,

sir.

Well, hello there.

Hello, doughboy.

Do you have the time, sir? I sure have. It's 7 .30 and all's well.

My name is Ernest Bilko.

Simpson's the name. Men's shoes is my name. Oh, a traveling salesman says that

is a fascinating business. I like it fine. I sell shoes and I get a big boot

of it.

Shoes, boot, you get it?

I never heard that.

I got a friend in ladies' shoes.

And it's killing his feet.

That's funny. Friendly lady's shoes killing his feet.

You going to take them, Ernie? Are you kidding me? In a half hour, I'll have

this Patsy's bankroll plus a year's supply of moccasins.

Oh, Mr. Patsy.

Mr. Simpson.

You didn't tell us. Leave me alone. Will you leave me alone? Well, what

happened, sir?

That's the same old story. Gullible soldier beats city slicker.

What do we do in fabulous Hollywood without money? All right, Rocco. Stop

the gruggies. I'm thinking.

I don't know about the rest of you fellas, but Jimmy Stewart shouldn't have

trouble. All right, all right. Cut it out.

We're in a crisis here.

I got a buck and a quarter of change. What do you got?

90 cents.

All right, Rocco. We're pooling our resources. What do you got? I ain't got

cent. A dollar and 15 cents.

Pretty shovel pool.

Well, we got a thing like this. We're stranded in Hollywood. He's combing his

hair. Don't cost me nothing to look neat.

That's all I needed.

What's the matter with you? Your voice.

What is it, Sarge? Wallet. A big fat wallet.

What a brace. Will you keep your voice down? Is there anybody who can see me

pick it up? I don't think so. A wallet. Wallet. Read a wallet.

All right. Just act nonchalant like nothing happened.

You see a policeman, don't panic. Don't run.

Sarge, there's a policeman over there. Come on. Take it easy.

Hello. How are you? Have a nice trip.

Just follow me. Just act nonchalant like nothing happened. Just walk casually.

How are you? You know what? You know now.

I don't know. I don't know. Count, will you, Sarge?

It's me.

Me, boys. I'll have a slot of Mandy.

Shut up, Randy. This is my first time and I'm rather excited.

How about you, boys? I'll have the same.

Great, Randy. Swell. Ernie.

He's out of sight. Where's the waiter? He just went behind the bar. Behind the

bar. Now we can examine the banana.

Oh,

it is fat.

Oh, it is fat.

I hope there's no thousand dollar bills in here. They're so tough to cash. We'll

start counting already. Easy.

This is a treasured moment. We must cherish it.

Ross retained the corporal Rocco Barbella.

It must have fallen out of my pocket when I took out my comb.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

We're the worst fixer we were before.

Up to two dollars, soldier.

I see. Well, may I have your pencil, please?

Thank you very much.

There you are, my man.

Thanks for your autograph, sir. Now, what about the two bucks?

My credit isn't any good.

Why, of course not, sir.

I'm merely suggesting you pay me the two bucks or I'll call the MPs. I'll call

it. He's got a big name. Call the MPs. What do you hear?

There you are.

Fifteen cents is out. Go on.

Thanks, Diamond Jim.

A glamorous filled cup of little oil.

And we got 15 cents between us.

What are you thinking, Ernie?

I'm thinking I wish this was iodine.

It is iodine.

This is KLAT Los Angeles.

Television. That's all we need. We could have stayed in a camp and watched

television. And now it's time to play America's number one afternoon quiz

A prize for the wise.

And here's your genial master of ceremonies, Bud Burt.

Come on, let's get out of here. I haven't finished my drink yet.

And here's our first contestant. What's your name, sailor? Fred Johnson.

Uh -huh. Are you a seaman first class?

My wife thinks so.

All right. Well, now, Fred, for $500, who was the 16th president of the United

States? You have 30 seconds.

Big deal.

Abraham.

Any child could answer that question. Is the Joker going to get $500?

Could have been you, Ernie, just as easily.

You heard me answer it.

Say. Will you turn on that television set, please? We're trying to talk here.

You thought of something, huh, Sarge? So obvious, I couldn't see it. A quiz

program. You're warning? Why not? You've seen those quiz shows. They always like

to have G .I. contestants.

You just played a joker. I answered the question. We could have won $500.

Sarge, is there another quiz show on the air this afternoon?

You're kidding me like trains. There's one every hour on the air. Let's get

to that TV station.

Pick up your wallet, you... Back to the Phil Silver Show.

Did you get the changes in the opening announcement?

Yeah, go ahead. Fine, good.

You ready for today's contestants, Mr. Morton? Yes, we'll need four of them.

might as well let them in.

Okay, Jim, open the chute. All right, now, folks, take...

Will you be

quiet, please, and give this gentleman a chance to have an unbiased opinion,

please?

I've got him quiet now, sir. Take me, take me, Mr. Producer. I need the money.

She needs the money.

Watch that leg, baby.

Take my Rommel. He's a regular genius.

Take me, take me. I'm a friend of Aunt Lincoln.

You know what happens to them. Greed turns them into animals.

Your face is familiar. Did I fight alongside of you at Guadalcanal?

Do you remember me at all?

This lady back here. Oh, you, dear. Will you come back and see Sweet?

Where are you from?

I'm from Cucamonga.

She's a good type, Tom. Would you step right over here? I like that choice.

Thank you very much.

They do like it when they hear the city's effeminate.

All right, where are you from, sir?

I'm from Brooklyn. That always gets a big hand.

You, sir?

What do you do?

I'm a wine taster. Oh, wine taster. Well, that's good. We'll tie him up with

lady from Cucamonga. That's a good choice. Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir.

see, before I joined the army, I was quite a character myself, you see. I

to be a pearl diver. I have experience, mister. I was one of the...

Hey, lady, do you mind? How can a man think you're jabbering in his head? Give

him a chance. Where is that little boy? It's a little boy. Go, Ronald. Go.

Oh, how old are you, son?

He's ten years old. Oh, bless our hearts. She doesn't understand that this

adult quiz. Some other time. We'll make the kid the third contestant. Oh, swell.

We'll make a good team.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you, Sailor. Come right in, Sailor. Where are you from?

Shucks. I'm just a farm boy from back home in Indiana.

How good.

Well, Sailor, you're it. So you can find it.

All right, folks. That's all. All right, folks.

That's all.

You better get set up. We're on the air in 15 minutes. All right, wait. Could

you step this way, please?

Hey,

you better put me down. You'll want it back on your ship. By who?

Rear Admiral Vilko.

It's four o 'clock and time for America's number one afternoon quiz

Stranger. Now we'd like you to meet your genial master of ceremonies, Harry

Harris.

Thank you, thank you, you nice people. You know, an unusual thing happened to

walking to the studio today.

Really, what happened? Funny, you should ask. A man rushed up to me. He said,

Mr., I ain't had a bite in five days.

So I bit him.

Well, I take care of the funny stuff. And now let's play the game.

In just a few seconds, two people who have never met are going to pool their

knowledge to try and win up to $250 ,000 in prizes.

How's that for entertainment?

Martin, I can't find the sailor anywhere. He's disappeared. Oh, no.

Well, get another serviceman as quick as you can. Hi there.

Okay, Big Mouth, you win.

Well... You mean I got a chemo with him?

That's right. We're dead, Mom. Oh, don't worry, Sonny. I'll do all right.

Sure you'll do all right. The category is pool rooms. Ronald. Where is his

daddy? Hiding?

All right, Bob. How about our first team of lucky strangers?

All right, Harry. From Pasadena, California, we have Ronald Strobe.

teamed up with Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko. How do you do, Mr. Harris?

I'm a great admirer of this show, and I'm so happy to be here. Which is the

camera we look at?

The one right there.

You see, I'm from Camp Fremont, you know. Good, good.

A lot of my buddies may be watching the show. Do you mind if I say hello to

them? No, go right ahead. How are you, fellas out there?

Give my love to the Kano.

And how are you?

He's a little shy. Speak right outside.

I am not. He's not shy. He's one of those bright little boys.

You can start any time you want, Mr. Harris. We're ready.

Your first question has to do with outer space.

For your first group of prizes, tell us, what is the speed of light?

What is the speed of light?

What is the speed of light? What is the speed of light?

Would you mind repeating that question, please? The speed of light is... What is

that? The question is, what is the speed of light? The speed of light is 186

,000 miles per second. That's absolutely right!

I'm ready for your next question. Please take me out, I'll be Reynolds.

It has to do with military history. Military history.

Pay attention, Reynolds.

All right. For an additional two... Right in the center, that's it. For an

additional $2 ,000 in prizes, tell me, on what date did the Battle of

begin? The Battle of Gettysburg. What date? What date? The Battle of...

No.

1800... The Battle of Gettys... The Battle of... Gettysburg. Battle of

Gettysburg. Battle of Gettysburg started on July 1st, 1863.

That's absolutely right.

July 1st, 1863.

Oh, the little boy.

Oh,

take it. Hear that bell, little stranger? What is that? That means that

absolutely eligible for the big jackpot question worth an additional $25 ,000 in

prizes.

Are you ready?

Just a minute. Are you ready, Ronald? Do you want a glass of water or something?

Why don't you answer me? Did you lose your voice? No. He's all right. We're

ready.

Now, for the big jackpot question.

The subject is chemistry.

Chemistry. We know all about chemistry, don't we, Ronald? Pay attention now,

son. All right, listen closely.

What is the correct weight in grams of silicon tetrafluoride?

Silicon tetrafluoride.

Silicon tetrafluoride. You have ten seconds. Please, please give him a

Can we come back next week?

There's no pressure.

She's going to get... Has a weight of... Has a weight of... Come, come, son.

You have five seconds. Don't, don't. He's a little boy and you're pushing.

No, that's sulfur dioxide.

You pushed him into sub -light. That's it.

Contains fluoride. 4 .684 grams per liter.

406 grams per liter.

That's right.

I see it.

Target,

perhaps you'd like to know what your prizes are. Oh, yes.

For answering the super -duper jackpot question, you win a prefabricated summer

bungalow complete with wall -to -wall linoleum. And? A 15 -cubic -foot

refrigerator that makes up to 3 ,000 ice cubes at a time.

And? A brand -new electric typewriter.

And? A complete set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. And? And I'm getting a

headache. Thousands of dollars worth of loot, not one cent of cash.

Let's get a load of all this loot.

It wasn't easy standing up there under those hot lights, racking that kid's

brains.

Hey, what?

Hey, Belko, what's going on here? I thought I told you to get rid of this

Yes, sir. Well, see that you do. Yes, oh, sir, I was just wondering, wouldn't

Mrs. Hall like to have a brand new electric dishwasher, sir?

Why, yes, Belko, I'm sure she would. And I was wondering about that old

-fashioned carpet sweeper she has. Don't you think a vacuum cleaner would make a

housework much easier, sir?

I guess it would.

Well, consider it done.

Thank you, Bilko. Don't mention it, sir.

I'll see that you get a nice discount.

Bilko!

Yes, sir. This is an army installation, not a people's basement?

Yes, sir.

Well, the homeless had a sale there for a minute. Hey, sir.

What? A special delivery letter for you. Okay, Rocco, look.

Line up a truck to the back of the barracks, put all the stuff on it, and

it. Right. What are you going to do with it, sir? What am I going to do with it?

I'm going to try to sell it. If I get a third of its value, that'll be at least

$5 ,000.

You got to think ahead.

Oh, no.

What is it, Annie?

I owe $6 ,000 in taxes.

Come on, David. You help me load this up. You know what we'll do? If we work

hard the next few days, I may wind up even and stay out of jail. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, you have to sell everything that you want. Everything, everything. Get it

on the truck. Come on.

Look, those electrics.

Do they sell for retail?

Oh, gee, Sarge. Just when I got attached to them. Well, we may do this, buddy. I

may have to sell them as a team.

All right, friends, you say you're not satisfied.

You say you want more money.

Tell you what I'm going to do. What each and every sale of household appliances,

I'm giving away absolutely free of charge, an expensive gift.

Hey, mister, you got an electric stove? We say we have, and we're selling them

at $100 under cost. Just step around to the front of our mobile department.

I... Rocco!

I raise you $5, okay? I

see you with this portable griddle.

I'll raise you with this electric toaster.

That's what we're doing. We're playing for money.

Come on, Kennedy, let's get out of here. Yeah, if you ain't got cash, no game.

All right.

With each article, I'll throw in a green stamp.

Got nothing but trouble with the government. Trouble with the colonel.

Sergeant Belko right here.

Thank you, Flashman.

That's the way Benedict Arnold started.

I'm from the Treasury Department.

All right, all right. You're looking for that $6 ,000 in taxes? I haven't got

it. I may give all this stuff away. I'm afraid that doesn't change things. You

still have to pay the tax on it. What about the quiz show? They give stuff

Oh, it's a different thing. They're authorized to do that.

Oh, well, what do you want me to do?

Well, I don't know. That's your problem, Bilko. Maybe you should start your own

quiz show. All I can do is just carry on. Thank you.

For being such a good sport, this is electric waffle iron.

What's the idea? You thanked him like he just gave you a refund. He did better

than that. He gave me a great idea.

You know how they always like soldiers on those quiz shows? I'm going to start

an all -GI quiz show right here in Grove City.

But, Sarge, if you give all the stuff away, how's the show going to last? You

don't understand.

All those contestants they use on the quiz show, they're all smart.

I'm going to see we have dumb ones like Mullen, Ritzig. Sarge!

And say hello to the Charles Van Dorn of the Stoney.

All right, let's rehearse. Now, don't give me the answers too quick. You don't

want to even build up the suspense.

All right, here we go.

Sir, for your next question, you must spell soup.

S -O -U -P. No, no.

S -O -O -P. No, S -O -U -P is right.

But don't give me the answers so quick. Start a little. Act it out a little.

Okay, try again.

Your next word is consomme.

Consomme. C -O -N -Z -H.

That's good. Good.

Good, good. Now, that's acting.

Who's acting?

I don't know.

You want to try another category?

Nothing to do, Bilko.

Spelling is my best subject.

Bilko? Hi.

How's the GI Queer Show coming? Well, we should have a sponsor in no time, sir.

Remember, Bilko, remember.

We want the show to be completely on the up and up. Oh, you don't have to say

that to me. Back at the camp, they called me Mr.

Integrity. All right, Bilko. I just came in to wish you good luck for tonight.

I'll be watching you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

What's this?

Just loosening up my voice a little, sir.

Billy, you're nasty. You're not a singer. What is this?

Why are we all standing around for? We're out in 15 minutes. Come on, get

here.

And clean them up. Remember, we're going into people's living rooms.

Right here, Sarge. I did just what you told me. The first two ones are easy,

last ones are toughy. That's when we get rid of them. Yeah, right. Because we've

got to make these prizes last until we get a sponsor.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to America's newest and most

exciting quiz game.

And here to tell you more about it is your G .I. Quizmaster, energetic,

effervescent Sergeant Ernie Vilko.

Hello. What do you think happened to me on my way to the studio? A panhandler

stopped me and said, sir, may I have $300 for a cup of coffee? I said, my

man, coffee is only a dime. How come you need $300?

Well, he said, well, you see, I like to have my coffee at drive -in restaurants,

and I haven't got a car.

But for the comedy, and now for television's most exciting quiz game,

you can.

Fabs, who is our first contestant?

I do that.

What is your name, sir?

Dwayne Doberman. Ah, Mr. Doberman, may I ask, what is your profession?

I'm an atomic scientist attached to the army.

Splendid. Splendid, I should have guessed that. You have that bright and

tenacious look of the man of the future.

Tell me, Dr. Doberman, what is your category?

Comic book.

scientific manuals of your high profession.

Babs, please press number 11, please. In a moment, Dr. Doberman, we will have

your first question.

Come, Babs. Thank you very much, dear.

All right, Dr. Doberman, for your first question on comic books.

There is a famous married couple in the comic strips.

Her name is Maggie. Tell me, what is her husband's name?

Jiggs. You're off to a great start.

And now for your second question.

There is a famous comic strip with two partners in it. One partner's name is

Mutt. What is the other's name?

Jeff. Absolutely right.

And now for your next question, which includes $1 ,000 in valuable prizes, we

over and meet MP Sergeant Kennedy.

I have a $1 ,000 question for you.

Thank you. And now, Dr. Doberman, think carefully. This is worth $1 ,000 in

prizes.

Captain Dan, spaceman, has an interplanetary rocket ship. What is the

number of its atomic engine?

Three X dash, 066, 05, 0222. You only have 36.

066, 05, 0222.

That's right.

Who knew he'd know the answer to such a tough question?

Well, if he answers any more of them big questions, we are out of business. I

know, I know.

Hey, Sarge, did I do good? You did too good. Who gave you the answer?

Nobody. I've been studying. You don't.

Bilko, who was that last contestant? He was sensational.

He made the show.

Oh, there you are, my boy. You're wonderful.

Wonderful. Doberman? Yes, Bilko. The switchboard lit up like a Christmas

And look at these wires. The comments are all the same. Lovable, warm

fascinating contestant. Oh, you're wonderful, my boy.

Doberman? Yes, Bilko. If he stays on the show for, say, four or five weeks, our

rating will be tremendous.

And we'll have a sponsor.

Oh, you're a natural, my boy. Yes, he is. I knew that.

You figure things out.

Oh, Dolman, sit down. I want to talk to you. I think not, Sarge.

It's been such a hard night.

Big television stars you don't drag.

He may be the makings of us yet.

We'll let him stay on as long as the public wants him. But, Ernie, are you

he'll know the answers?

He'll know.

If you identify this correctly, you will win prizes totaling $15 ,000. Can you

identify that picture, Dwayne Doverman? I think it's Little Orphan Annie as a

baby. Just a moment. You've answered a question with a question. I must have a

more definite answer.

Little Orphan Annie.

That's it.

Congratulations.

You have won prizes totaling $15 ,000. The next week, you'll come back and try

for $25 ,000.

I won't be back. He won't.

The method of spraying has been too great.

He won't be back.

I'm going to quit and donate my winnings to the Grove City Community Chest. But,

Dwayne, you've got it next week. Please, I'm not finished.

And I want to thank loyal Doberman fans everywhere.

And especially Sergeant Ernie Vilko, who helped me with the answer.

Texas District Attorney. I'm glad that's over with. Yeah, now we're right back

where we started. No money, no merchandise.

Let there be a lesson to you. You get nothing for nothing.

Let's have a cup of coffee.

Congratulations,

you lucky fellow.

What? For being the one millionth customer at the LaSalle cafeteria.

One million? That's right. You win a color television set, a combination

dryer, a complete set of golf glasses.

It's your headache.

Come on.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Frank Albertson as the producer, Maury

Amsterdam as Harry Harris, Joey Trent as Ronald, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig,

Larry Fletcher as Hawkins, Matt Crowley as the salesman, Dick Noel as Bud Burt,

and Ken Kanopka as the waiter.