Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hey, you must be doing all right. You finally got an office with a window in

Yeah, and I'm going to jump out of it if business don't get better. I've no

fear, pal.

Zeke Field and Khaki is here.

You're going to do another camp show, aren't you? Oh, yes, like the man says

television. It's going to be really big. A big production, a big musical

extravaganza. How much money you got to spend?

Twenty -three dollars.

That's not big, pal. What do you got to spend? Now, look.

I want names. Big names.

The $23 budget is a little tight, but I like a challenge.

Let's see what we got. Let me remind you, I don't want any animal acts. I

an all -people show.

Here.

You wanted a name? You won't find a bigger name than this. Hit me with it,

Frank?

birth certificate, driver's license.

What does he get?

Eight bucks.

I'll give you six bucks for coffee.

Six bucks?

For Frank Sinatra?

Go all the way. I wanted names. Okay, you got it. Who else you got for me?

see.

Kim Novak.

Kim Novak. Oh, sure. You're really popping up with them today. What does

Play the musical song.

Is she a company star on the song?

Any way you want it, Ernie. Her price is five bucks. Uh -huh. And she can prove

she's Kim Novak.

Better than I can prove I'm Sherwood DeVore.

We're in a heightful diploma.

Let me think now. Let me see. I opened with Frank Sinatra, and then Kim Norbert

comes out and plays a medley of Cold Porter tunes on a musical saw.

And I need a finish. A big flash actor and a finish.

You don't happen to handle Fred Waring and his Pennsylvanians, do you? No, but

got something even better. Who? The Maguire sisters.

The Maguire's?

How do you come up with them at such short notice?

What do they do? They're Hungarian acrobats.

for the finish. For a finish? She lifts a Jeep with her sisters, Kim Novak, and

Sanofi in it. Okay? It's a deal, huh? It's a deal. Wait a minute. Let's be

legal.

Here's the $2 deposit.

Now, look, I want my stars at Camp Fremont Saturday afternoons rehearsal. I

them to come with their costumes, their pictures, and their birth certificates.

So long, pal.

Hey, just a minute, Ernie. Do you need an emcee? Who you got?

Winston Churchill.

You better not piss on me. So long.

tickets for the drama critics.

I'll have a... First come, first served. Give me those two choices. I just can't

believe it. Frank Sinatra coming to Camp Fremont. Is it really Frank Sinatra the

singer? No, it's Frank Sinatra the bird caller.

time. You can believe me, Dwayne. If these girls made a record, they'll do it

Saturday night.

I think I'd better relate to Doberman. These are very small camp chairs. You

better take two. Okay.

It says, Dear McGuire sisters, I can't tell you how thrilled I was when I heard

you were going to make a personal appearance at Camp Fremont this Saturday

night.

As a loyal True Blue fan of yours, could you dedicate a song to me?

I'll be sitting in the third row on the first two seats.

We'll be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Well, according to this letter,

we're supposed to be in the middle of California.

Well, do something. Call our agent.

Oh, sure.

Camp Fremont?

Oh, look, fellas, sweetheart, I never booked you into Camp Fremont.

Oh, hold on. I'll check with Elliot.

Camp Fremont? I never booked him there, Harry. Let me check with Lester.

Well, if none of us booked him into Camp Fremont, the only one that could have

done a thing like that is the boss.

Tell him he made a mistake.

Not me.

Not me.

Not me.

Tell his sweetheart.

Oh, sure, all afternoon.

Our plane doesn't leave for California until tonight.

How'd the tickets end? Fine, Sarge. Look, tonight, when you run the

keep them dimmed down, way, way down. What they don't see... Sarge, do you

you're going to get away with this? Get away with what?

What am I doing wrong?

Maybe our Sinatra is better than the other one. Look, one thing you worry

guard this door. Don't let anybody in this rehearsal but my stars. Understand?

Who is it?

Frank Sinatra.

Not a minute.

Hello,

Frankie boy.

I hope I'm not late. I had to stop and pick up my unemployment check this

morning.

This is Frank Sinatra. Will you, will you just guard the door?

Let me show you the stage.

This is where you're going to work tonight. How does it feel to you?

I hope I'm not the only one on the show, Mr. Booker, because after 20 minutes of

bird calls, my lips get tired.

I understand.

Look, Frank, don't you sing a little?

No, but I do a wonderful imitation of a yellow -breasted Rhode Island sapsucker.

Couldn't this yellow -breasted sapsucker whistle a few choruses of witchcraft?

No, it wouldn't be as scented.

Here's what I... Can I show you what I do? Go ahead. Be free. Go ahead,

I step out and I say, let's... We've talked through nature's woodland.

Hark! I hear a yellow -breasted gold -eyed old shepherd.

Hold, hold right now. I mean, this is a bit crowded here. I mean, the

introduction, it lays there, you know. Prep it up a little.

You know, can't you do it, you know, like the, you know, real relaxed. Put

hat back and say, friends, I got a bird that's a knockout chicken. Whistle

something strong.

I don't know. I hear a bird say, that's a bird.

Who's going to know you're snapping your fingers? So try it once. You know,

loosen up.

Friends, I'm going to give you a gas. Are you back to the old trend?

Spread your feet. Spread your feet. I lean way back.

Friends, I have a gas. Put your head way back.

That gives you that character. You don't care. Put this in your mouth and say, I

got a gas.

I got a gas.

There is something here that says she is Kim Novak.

Mike, let me make you feel better. Careful, that's my musical saw. It'll

to pieces.

I see.

You have proof of your identity. What do you want to see? My musician's card? My

carpenter's union card?

I guess that'll do it. You want me to play anything special tonight?

What kind of crowds are you going to have?

Angry.

Would you do me a favor with the night show? Could you dye your hair blonde?

Buster, they ain't going to look at my hair.

Once I start to play, they watch my knees and my quivering socks.

What are you going to play? Something from... Now, Joey?

No, none of that stuff.

I'm going to play something that was written specially for me.

Hallone for Sars.

I'm suggesting you're right under the stage.

Sarge, when you announce Kim Novak and that cabinetmaker comes out... I've

arranged for a follow -up. I hope she can play that song. Hey, Sarge, there's

three girls outside. Should I let them in? Ah, that must be the McGuire's gang.

Let them in. The Hungarian...

Are you? I suppose you got your identification.

Identification? Yeah, anything will do. Birth certificate, high school diploma.

No, we don't have anything.

You don't have? Oh, this is great.

Sinatra has his identification.

Kim Novick has her identification.

You're going to go tumbling around the stage without any proof? They'll murder

me. Here's your mat, girl. Never mind. All right.

Elliot, put some handsome in. Why don't you go to sing?

Sing? If I wanted singers, I'd get the Evelyn Brothers.

middle, the strong one. Who does the heavy work? Who?

Oh, let me feel your muscle.

Now, you're going to lift those? Oh, this is murder.

Where do I see your agent?

Where do we see him?

Get into your tights. Tights?

Well, of course. You're not going to come on the stage in slacks, are you?

where's our dressing room? Downstairs, under the stage. You're dressing with

Novak. Now, watch yourself. If she's rehearsing, don't turn your back on her.

She'll saw your acting hair.

in the show.

do for us tonight? Well, now, Sherwood said you want me to lift a G.

Now, what do you want me to lift it with, my hands or my teeth?

I think with your teeth. And when you do it, smile so you show those strong

nipples.

I had an idea. The opening, as the curtain comes up, I want a pyramid. You

one girl holding the rest of the girls. You do anything like that.

What pyramid? Why do you bother me with pyramids? Which way do they go?

Toward the gate. That means they're going to the railroad station. We've got

stop them. Just a minute.

a big joke. I know who you are all the time. I thought you had a better sense

humor than that, Phyllis. She's Phyllis.

Of course she is. I'm still doing the joke. Don't you get it at all?

She would relax before the show.

Well, who were those other McGuire sisters?

Honey, you didn't listen good. They weren't McGuire. They were the MacMeyer

sisters.

Like McGuire. I did it for a joke.

Oh, I'm surprised at you, Christine.

She's Christine.

Of course she is. I'm still doing the joke. Don't you get it at all?

Come on, kid. Let's go back to the jet. Come on. Look, look.

We didn't mind canceling our vacation once to do your show, but to cancel it

twice is asking a little too much.

Yeah, we were on our way to France.

Please,

please do the show.

If not for me, for this gallant soldier boy right here who tomorrow, for the

first time, gets sent up in a test rocket.

And don't, don't send him into outer space without a fond memory of the

system.

We'll do the show just for you.

Oh, isn't that swell? Well, come on, kids. Let's go, huh?

Come on, Sergeant Bilko.

No, I'm not Sergeant Bilko. He's Sergeant Bilko.

I'm still playing.

I'll have some flowers for you. You're going to love it there. Take care of the

kids. Gee, what swell girls, Shark. You know, when I wrote to them to come to

Camp Fremont, I never dreamt they'd come.

You wrote to them?

That explains why they came here.

Gee, don't they sing great together, Shark?

Yeah, and they make all that money together, too.

They could even make more money.

They split up. They could make three times as much money.

Well, do you think the McGuire sisters would ever break up, Sarge? Well, if

properly handled. You never know.

You never know.

You know what this is?

150 pounds of brains.

That's Josh Logan. Oh, you'll find the number. He's a famous producer.

Ernie, you can't do that. Dorothy McGuire already has an agent. Wrong.

The Maguire sisters have an agent, but individually, nobody handles them.

Quiet. Hello, Josh.

You are interested, Hubble.

Swell. You'll be hearing from me.

Ernie, you did it. You did it. You sold all three of them just like that. Now

comes the minor detail of splitting them up. Oh, that sounds impossible. You

know how they love each other. Well, look, if Einstein can split the atom,

can split the Maguire sisters.

Where are your lovely sisters?

They went out to have some coffee. Oh, did they? Well, it's just as well

I kind of like to talk to you alone a minute, if I may.

Can I ask a favor of you, dear?

Yes. You see, tonight, we're giving a dramatic reading for the boys, and they

love it. They see so little of live entertainment, and I wonder, would you

reading one of the parts?

Oh, I haven't done too much acting. Oh, it's very simple. You see, I have the

big part. This is Wuthering Heights, and I play Heathcliff, and I have the big

part. You just have one little scene where you go mad.

Mad? It's quite simple.

He thinks she sees this apparition, and the cue is where I say, Kathy, then you

read those lines.

Heathcliff, Heathcliff. That's good. Now you've got the lines. Now hold it,

honey, and give it a little expression. Remember, this girl is tormented. She's

suffering. So when I give you the cue, Kathy.

Heathcliff, Heathcliff. Well, you're getting it a little better, honey, but

you've got to suffer from within.

Whenever you get the cue, you hear Kathy, the torment comes.

Heathcliff. No, I didn't give you the cue, honey.

Kathy.

Heathcliff.

Don't disturb her now, kid. She wanted to be alone.

That's a great little sister you got there.

She sure is.

Boy, she's crazy about you two. What she won't do to keep this act together.

I've never seen anything like it.

What do you mean?

I mean about that offer she got from Samuel Goldwyn.

Phyllis got an offer from Sam Goldwyn? Well, I went this far. Mars will tell

the rest of it. Yes, Sam Goldwyn wants to star her with Marlon Brando in a

remake of Wuthering Heights.

Phyllis in Wuthering Heights?

I don't believe it. Well, don't take my word for it.

Kathy, he's Cliff.

He's Cliff.

I'm so anxious to do it, but she'll never take it. Why?

Well, I can give you two reasons why.

Dorothy and Christine.

She'll never break up the act.

But we wouldn't stand in her way. We've got to tell her to take it. Oh, no,

honey. That's very sweet of you, but you've got to be much more cleverer than

that. What can we do?

Well, I know it'll hurt you, but for her own sake, you've got to throw her out

of the act.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Of course you couldn't. Let her stay with the act and sing a miserable little

frustrated heart out. Dorsey, we've got to make her take it for her own good.

Come on.

Walk the moors on the dusk till dawn.

He's clear.

He's clear.

I was just rehearsing a thing. It's time to run through our numbers.

Okay, let's go over the first number. And you know what we can do?

Excuse me, honey, I can't get through.

Well, we thought for once that you should stand on the end.

Okay, I'll stand on the end. Of course, if you think you're too important to

stand on the end, stand in the middle.

No, I'll stand on the end.

Sure, and sneak bows while we're going off.

Say, what's with you two?

All right, we'll level with you. It's time you found out that this is a trio

not Phyllis and her two friends.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Maybe you'd like this trio better if it was a duet.

No, I wouldn't. Well, Chris and I would.

We don't need you in the act anymore.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it.

me, Chris. I better see if Dottie is all right.

Oh, come on, Dottie. Let me see that pretty face. Let me see that smile. Come

on, Annie.

I can't. Phyllis hates me after what I've just done to her. Oh, no, she

Someday she'll... Oh, no, no, no.

Phyllis don't hate you. She'll understand something.

Hey, why don't you send her a nice bouquet of flowers with an ornament

love you, and that'll cheer her up.

That's a good idea.

Of course. Look.

Right here, honey. You see this number and this name? Tony. That's my friend

Tony the Flowers. Here's a dime, dear. You call him and tell him to put a nice

note in with the flowers saying, I love you. His name is Tony. Tony is his name.

Don't forget the name. Tony. I'm going to go cheer up Chris. Go on.

Okay, Chris.

I'm okay. Is Dorothy all right? Oh, I guess so, but she'll never get over it.

Yes, we'll both miss Phyllis. Oh, I wasn't talking about Phyllis. I was

about him.

Him? Yes, the boy that Dorothy's in love with, Tony.

She never mentioned any Tony.

Funny, she told me all about it. She was going to elope with him, but that was

before Phyllis left, and now she doesn't want to leave you alone.

I don't believe it.

I'm going to ask her.

I love you.

Did you hear me, Tony?

I love you.

Dorothy? What?

She has bad news for you.

for you. What is it? She's leaving the act. I'm leaving the act.

Why? She's had a better offer. I had a better offer. From who?

CBS. They wanted to do the Christine Maguire show.

Yes, CBS wants me for the Christine Maguire show.

Oh, no.

First Phyllis and now you. What's going on?

There, there, Chris. You did a fine, noble thing. And you know what you must

now? You must bury yourself and work, work, work. That's the only way to

And say that wasn't a bad idea you had.

What idea?

The Christine McGuire show. I'm sure CBS will go for it. Why don't you let me

handle the deal?

Oh, I don't care. I want to go home. You do that, honey. You go to New York and

I'll call you there.

There's a good girl. You'll feel better, honey.

Doc, what are you doing here?

I just put up with Christine.

Oh, no.

What's happening?

Well, there's Chris.

Hi, girls. Hi.

Phyllis, I want to wish you the best of luck with Sam Goldwyn. Sam Goldwyn? Yes,

Sergeant Vilko told me about your offer for Weathering Heights.

I never got an offer.

You mean there was no offer?

No. You aren't going to Hollywood?

Of course not.

Then we can be together again, the two of us. What about me?

Aren't you going to marry Tony?

What Tony?

The one you were talking to on the phone. You know, I love you, Tony.

But he's a fool.

Honey, we don't care what he does. Just as long as... I don't want to marry any

Tony. Sergeant Bilko told me to call... Sergeant Bilko. He wanted to be my

agent. I see it all now. He was trying to split us up. And he almost did.

Can you imagine that?

Girls, I think we ought to pay Sergeant Bilko a little visit.

Yeah.

That's right, Hubble. You can tell the boys at CBS to stop production Monday.

Yes, Christina's on her way to New York. Now, do me a favor, will you, hub?

Would you mind sending me my 10 % on to me, please? I'd appreciate it.

Bilko. Ernest G.

Bilko. Camp Fremont.

Camp Fremont. Yes, it's a summer resort.

And I'm not marrying any Tony.

What about it, Sergeant Bilko? Don't you know me yet? It's a joke. It's all a

joke. Weren't you just talking to CBS?

Me?

It's a phony phone.

You did to us? Oh, come on, Chris. Let's see him get out of here before he tries

to turn us into the Three Stooges. All right. All

right, sit me down.

Well, Bilko did it again. I promise you a big show with Frank Sinatra, Kim

Roback, or the Maguire sisters.

Well, here they are, the Maguire sisters.

Oh, we ain't got a...

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