Original subtitles

Black...

installation manned by some 10 ,000 American soldiers and located

100 miles southeast of San Francisco.

Frisco, as it is affectionately known, is a great town for servicemen.

It has everything, wonderful restaurants, beautiful girls.

No wonder the average serviceman heads here whenever he gets a weekend pass.

But the story I'm about to tell you doesn't concern an average serviceman.

Far from it. It concerns a certain sergeant named Ernie Bilko and how he

spend this particular Saturday night in San Francisco.

And Little Red Riding Hood said, What big piece do you have?

The better to eat you with, said the wolf, and eat her he did.

Unbelievable, isn't it?

And how does our playboy and khaki come to be reading fairy tales to children?

I suppose it all started the week before, when Bilko... Hey, Bob,

is the sergeant back yet? Not yet, Henshin. He's two hours overdue. The

colonel's been asking about him. He called me from San Francisco. Oh, yeah?

What'd he say? I don't know. We had a bad connection.

Everything he said sounded like, wow, wow, wow.

Hey, fellas, he's back. The sergeant's back. Oh, yeah?

Hey, Ernie. Hi, Ernie. How was San Francisco?

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Tell us all about it, son. Come on, Sarge. Yeah.

Come on.

Will you lay off him?

Can't you see he's in no condition to talk? This hits him once every couple of

months. What's he suffering from?

Ecstasy.

How's he doing? He'll be all right. Boy, I haven't seen him this bad since

Rhonda the Redhead from Chicago.

How do you feel now, Sarge?

I'll be all right, Rock. Thanks. I shouldn't have done it.

Done what?

As I got out of the Jeep, I looked at her picture again and it started me all

over. Let's see it, Ernie. Yeah, don't let me see it. One look at her and my

blood will start pulsating again.

Wow.

It's a knockout, Ernie. What do you mean?

In a nightclub, ten minutes after we met, we were holding hands.

Hit it off just like that.

Within an hour, I knew she was my kind of a girl.

But she didn't pick up the check.

I'm not going to forget it. But I didn't hear it.

Mamma mia. She's gorgeous.

All right, all right already.

This picture don't even do her justice. Yeah? This picture don't show how soft

and fluffy she is.

How maddening is the scent of her perfume. And when she kisses me, it's

thousand tom -toms pounding my chest. I've got to go back and see her.

No,

no, she can't live without me. But she'll still be there in two weeks. In

weeks, she's liable to forget me.

Sir, it's very urgent that I get to San Francisco this weekend, sir. I'm

surprised to see you so soon. You usually wait until you're unpacked.

You're trying to ease my pain, sir.

But... Well, who is it this time?

My Aunt Martha.

She's an aunt on my father's side, once removed.

Bilko, I remember her. And once removed is enough.

I don't understand, sir.

Bilko, she was buried last year in Milwaukee during the World Series.

Oh, no, sir. That was my auntie Mildred on my mother's side.

Absolutely no leave, Bilko.

But, sir, you just... Bilko, when will you get it through your head that this

a military installation?

Not a place to change your shirt between nightclubs? Sir, I didn't intend... I

won't have you traipsing all over California. We've got work to do here.

the Army, Bilko. We need sleep -in help.

Before you make your final decision, sir, think of my Aunt Martha lying there

a bed of pain. At the risk of seeming hard -hearted, why don't you just call

up and say goodbye?

She has no telephone, and she's much too weak to keep running down to the candy

store, sir.

Bilko, get out of here. Perhaps next weekend, if she doesn't have a relapse,

can reopen it.

All right, sir. Hello, Bilko.

What's the matter with Bilko, sir? It's his Aunt Martha.

Aunt Martha?

Isn't she the one who was buried in Milwaukee last year? That's right. And

evidently it upset her because she's sick again.

Oh, this just came in by officer courier, sir.

It seems they're having a reception for some Pentagon brass in San Francisco

next week. And the 6th Army Headquarters wants each installation in the area

represented by a platoon.

I see. Any suggestions, sir?

Any platoon but bilto. Yes, sir.

As a matter of fact, give me that.

Yes, sir. And not a word of this to anybody. If Bilko finds out we're

platoon to go to San Francisco, it'll be more than his Aunt Martha.

It'll be a family epidemic.

You're quite right.

Why don't we take the platoon by the merit system?

Good idea.

We'll send a platoon that gets the highest work record for this week.

I see. And in that way, of course... Exactly. Bilko won't have a ghost or a

chance.

She's such a doll.

Yes, we got 15 times already. Tell me again.

She's beautiful.

She's gorgeous.

Watch that. You're ogling her. I won't have you ogling her.

Make it easy, Ernie. You're driving yourself back. I can't help it. I can't

her out of my mind.

Come on, Ernie. Now take these. Come sit over here. That's all right.

Look, Ernie, look. You've got to do something to get your mind off her. How

about a little game of poker? Are you nuts? In my condition, even Ritzig would

beat me. I tell you, I'm going out of my mind.

Well, there's only one solution, then.

Hard work.

You're going out of your mind, too.

That's all.

If you keep yourself busy enough, you won't have time to think about it. You

mean like occupational therapy? Yeah, something like that.

Hey, baby, that's the answer.

That's it. I'll keep myself busy. I'll work. I'll get that platoon into shape.

I'll get that motor pool spanking clean.

That's it. Let's get cracking right now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's 12

midnight. Are there any cancer wait till tomorrow morning? No. I've got to keep

busy every minute. I'm going to wake those creeps up. All right. All right.

and shine, you gold breakers on your toes.

You've been goofing off pretty good around here. But from now on, it's wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I feel better already.

Is that all you want yourself to tell us? Well, then wait till we get up

tomorrow. I have no backtalk. These two are the ringleaders. They spoke first.

Get me those two names. Now get this and get it right. From now on, I want these

barracks kept spanking clean.

I want your nose to the grindstone. I want work in a motor pool.

Mullen, Mullen, when I'm talking, open your eyes.

I don't listen with my eyes. Put down that backtalk of Mullen. All right.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Be sure to get me up by 11 o 'clock.

Oh, boy, my feet are killing me. Oh, mine too.

Hold it, hold it, will you? I just washed the floor.

Rude. That bilko must be bucking for a Section 8.

You fellas are griping. I haven't felt this fit in years.

All right, what is it? The hen party?

Lay off. We just come up the drill field.

It's two o 'clock. Aren't you supposed to be at the rifle? What are you doing?

Get out of here.

Over here. I want you to get a pail with soap and water and go over those walls

and make them spotless clean.

But, Sergeant. Oh, don't worry. If you're careful, none of the water will

you. Move it.

We'll have to talk about her in 17 hours and 20 minutes. Good.

Now that I'm cured, where did you hide the picture? You sure you're all right?

Oh, perfect.

You know, as a matter of fact, I've forgotten what she looks like. No

Wow.

Wow. Wow. I have to relapse you.

Give me that. Give me that. It's fine. If you put one fingerprint on that girl,

I'm warning you. Sarge, Sarge, work. Hard work. Hard work.

Hard work. That's it. Thanks, fellas. Hard work.

What are you standing around here? Didn't I give you an order? Didn't I

you to wash these floors?

Why aren't they clean? They are clean, Sarge. What do you got these papers all

over the floor? I put it down to protect the floor. Well, give me the raised

papers. What is this, a flop house?

Don't talk to me.

I'll give you an order to do some work.

Yes, Sarge, but can I rest a while? My shoes are hurting me. Don't bother me.

See your blacksmith.

I just cleaned up the grease pit at the motor pool. Well, what do you want, a

medal, Zimmerman? So I jumped paparazzi.

All right, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, Bronco. Hang on.

Get me to my room. I'm exhausted.

Are you sure, Barker?

There's no doubt about it, sir.

Bilker's platoon turned in the highest efficiency rating in camp this week.

I thought it was a mirage. What's that, sir?

I saw them on the drill field and I thought it was a mirage.

I guess Bilko's platoon goes to San Francisco after all.

I'm not surprised. I half expected it.

But why, sir? We were the only ones who knew about this San Francisco

assignment. How did Bilko find out?

I don't know.

How does he find out anything?

For all we know, the chief of staff never makes a move without consulting

Do I get the order, sir? Might as well.

Good afternoon, sir.

Right on time, huh, Bilko?

Oh, no, not exactly, sir. I expected to have this estimate on your desk this

morning, sir. Relax, Bilko. You've won.

Won what, sir?

I wasn't born yesterday. You know as well as I do that you and your men are

going to San Francisco.

We're going to San Francisco?

My boy, you would never make a living as an actor.

San Francisco this weekend?

Tell me, Bilko.

Barker and I were the only ones that knew about it. The message itself is

in my desk.

You can tell me.

How did you find out about it?

Find out what, sir?

Never mind, Bilko. I understand.

It's like asking a man who's committed the perfect crime to spoil it with a

confession.

Sir, I don't really understand.

Dismissed. Thank you, sir.

Well,

sir, that's that.

We can't give up, Barker. If Bilko went to all that trouble, he's got something

big brewing in San Francisco.

But what can we do, sir? We've got to do something.

We just can't abandon the second largest city in California.

For what it's worth, we've got to send an officer to San Francisco with Bilko.

Good idea, sir. I'll call a meeting and we'll ask for volunteers.

No, we can't take that chance.

We've got to have an officer that is strong and alert and wise to all of

maneuvers.

I'd go, but my wife has something planned for this weekend.

Whom can we send, sir? In this whole camp, there must be one officer who can

a crimp in Bilko's style.

Busy, Colonel?

Come in.

Thank you. We were just talking about you, Padre.

Where are we, Barca? Oh, yes, indeed.

Chaplain, would you like to go to San Francisco this weekend?

Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I've been doing some work up there on a

serviceman's children's center. But I imagine you had something more specific

mind. Well, yes.

One of my men will be there this weekend, and I think he could use your

resisting temptation.

Will you go?

Gladly. It'll be good seeing Sergeant Bilko again.

48 hours in San Francisco. Wow!

46 hours. Two hours for the parade.

You want to send a telegram now, Sarge? Oh, yeah. Take this down.

Let me see right... You know where to send it. Yeah.

Dear Sherry, I'm on my way.

Let's make tonight a night to remember all my love and then sign it... What?

I'll sign it myself.

All right, Rock. Send that out. Okay.

Simple. Rocko.

Not the broadcaster. I'm sorry. Move it.

Nosey. Nosey. I left it up. Turn that right. The boys are ready to leave,

Well, we're all set. Okay, Hench. Check me out. Pack.

Money. Got it. Send, send. Got it. I'll pay Perky. Up.

Got it. You're all set. If I'm lucky, I won't be back alive. All right.

Kaplan Donahue has put in three years of hard work developing this children's

center. Bobby, I'm very sorry, but business is business. Well, if it's more

you want, perhaps we could... The center pays me $2 ,000 a year rent. That's

quite correct. All right, if I tear down the building and put in a parking lot,

I'll gross $20 ,000 a year easy.

But you know we couldn't afford anywhere near that amount. So if so, factor,

we've got to put in a parking lot. But he signed a 15 -year lease.

How can you possibly cancel it? It's strictly legal, believe me. The lease

signed has three -year options in the landlord's favor.

I never saw that clause.

I don't know how you could miss it. It was right there in fine print.

It doesn't do so much to the children of servicemen in this area.

That may be true, but there also happens to be in this city a crying need for

parking lots. But the children, they need... Save your breath, John. If you

gentlemen will excuse me, I have a business appointment.

Probably on his way to foreclose an orphanage. A very shifty and

person.

John, I think we should fight fire with fire.

But... I wouldn't even know where to begin. We begin by going to the Drake

and finding Sergeant Bilko. I don't understand.

Sergeant Bilko makes Mr.

Duncan look like a choir boy.

Mr.

Duncan's letter?

Is the Children's Center a worthy charity?

Of course. Then let me quote the good book.

When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.

And in the torment of my ecstasy, I wrote this song.

I like to call it... Our Song.

Sweetheart, do you like it?

Well? Sounds kind of corny to me, Sarge. Hey, Sarge, what's with all the

rehearsing? Listen, if I was Cary Grant, I could ad -lib this. Me? I've got to

rehearse. Hench, turn out that light.

And tell me, which profile do you like better?

The left?

I think you better turn on some more lights.

It's nice knowing this crucial moment. I got a jealous friend to rely on. Rocco.

Yeah. Spray some more perfume around the room.

Let's have them here. Give the couch an extra spritz.

Almost set. Well, come on. Out, out, out.

Now, Rocco, on your way down. Stop at room service. They got everything I

ordered. Check on everything. Come on. On the door. Out.

was in San Francisco this weekend, so I thought I'd look in on you. Oh, that was

nice of you, Padre. I'm not intruding, am I? No, no, no, not at all. What's

scent? Smells like perfume.

Oh, no, no, it's just an insect spray. It's like DDT, only more humane. Are you

and the boys enjoying your weekend?

Now, isn't that just like you, Padre, to be concerned about the boys? As a

matter of fact, they're all on the fourth floor. They'd love to see you.

don't you drop down and say hello?

On second thought... Why don't you stay here and freshen up a bit? You'll find

everything you need.

Thank you very much. They'll go a little cold water. Yes, yes, yes.

Noisy bell up.

Make yourself at home.

Sherry!

Look,

look, Sherry. I can't explain that, but you've got to get out of here right

away. Why did you call me?

Never mind.

Tell me more. I've been waiting for a week to tell you.

Look, Sherry, listen to me. You've got to get out of here right away. Wait for

me downstairs in the lobby.

Look, before I lose my stripes, before I lose my mind, honey, don't ask

questions. Ernie, do you have another girl in here?

No, no. My army chaplain dropped in on me, unexpected.

What's the matter?

Who ever heard of an army chaplain wearing curfew?

Look, Sherry, baby, wait in the lobby. Don't ask questions. I'll tell you...

Honey! Honey!

Honey! Honey!

Yes,

honey, I'll see that you get a liberal tip the next time.

They'll go. I feel much better. Oh, well, the boys would love...

At second thought, you look a little peaked. Why don't you take a nap, Padre?

Well, no, thank you. I thought that you and I... Padre, please.

These things happen.

Try to understand.

What, dear? Room service?

Oh, yes. I'll take care of it.

Oh,

I'll get that, Padre.

Hello? Ernie, I'm tired of standing down here in this lobby.

Oh, yes. Yes, Henshaw.

Look, Henshaw, baby.

The corporal.

Honey, babe.

Bilko, I'm sorry.

You had your evening all planned and I seem to have ruined it. No, I'll never

see her again. She's mad at me.

Such a sweet girl. Such a darling girl and she'll never see me again.

She seems to be in excellent health.

I think I can convince her it was all a mistake.

Oh, would you, Padre? I consider that a great favor. Of course, Bilko. And

speaking of favors, there's something you could do for me. Well, of course.

is it? I don't know how you'll do it, and I don't want to know, but I'm sure

you'll find a way. Well, what is it, Padre? Well, it seems my friend,

Donahue, ran into a scheming landlord... Well, why are we standing here? Why

don't we sit down at dinner and discuss this? Well... Be my guest, won't you,

Padre? An excellent idea.

They serve wonderful foodie. I think it would... Ah, why don't we hear?

Squab, let me save you... Sorry.

Look,

lady, you got a penthouse apartment on the 15th floor for $100 a month. What

you complaining about?

Lady, I never said the building had an elevator.

Well, maybe she has got a point. After all, it's 15 floors.

Look, you!

Don't tell me I don't run a real estate business.

Assistance like you are a dime a dozen.

You want to keep eating steady, don't butt in.

All right, Dad.

That's right.

Yes,

I am. Frank Duncan, a real estate operator. That's right. What's this all

Right this way, sir. Major General Ernest G. Bilko.

Who's that?

Let's get to the point.

I'm head of the Pentagon Land Procurement Division.

What can I do for you, General? All I have to say is top secret. We can't have

these civilians poking around out, boy.

But I'll tell you so loud, the best of you men.

Greatness, that's how.

Joe, I know what you're going to say.

Why doesn't the... Pentagon, do business with a bigger firm. Give me the small

American businessman.

Every time. Yes, sir.

Quickly, out.

All right, Duncan.

Before we discuss Army affairs, I must know, are you a man that can be trusted?

Oh, yes, I am, Tony. Wave your head when you see me. Take me out.

You know, we say you can tell a man's honesty by the look in his eyes. By

I believe you are honest.

Thank you, sir.

Pentagon has authorized me to spend some $15 million purchasing land in the San

Francisco area.

That's very interesting.

Now, my problem is simple.

I know nothing about real estate.

Therefore, I must put myself in the hands of a honest man who... Let me look

those eyes again.

You can't be trusted. How can I help you? Well, let's get to the top priority

stuff first.

The army needs a couple hundred square acres for a missile base. Any

recommendations? Well, yes, sir. Yes, sir. If you'll step right over here to

map of the wall, here's an area that I think would be perfect.

Splendid. Splendid.

However...

Mr. Dreaming will never get it. Why not?

For only $300 ,000.

I can try.

Go to it, Duncan. Go for it.

Albert, you know the Wilson Ranch down in the desert? Little Death Valley?

You got a big mouth just like your mother.

Shut up.

It's over $30 ,000.

Couldn't swing it, eh? I knew it was too good to be true.

I think I've got a surprise for you, General.

You did it?

$100 ,000?

I told you, you are a good excuse.

And I fall into the hands of some unscrupulous operator.

I understand there are a lot of them around.

And don't think the Pentagon isn't aware of them.

Why, only the other day I heard of a $10 million deal falling through because of

one single complaint.

Complaint? Yes, this corporal complained he didn't have enough heat in his

apartment, and they canceled.

And, oh, incidentally, as your tenants, you do do business with servicemen. Oh,

yes, yes, yes, I do. Good show. I've always been very proud of that. I know

have. I want to see that you get the full commission on this deal.

Dad, the chaplain's here.

Oh, time to come in.

If you reconsider, the servicemen really need that center.

Reconsider what? It has nothing to reconsider.

As a matter of fact, I threw away the old lease. I made out a new lease and

out all the fine print. You have?

Well, there's never anything too good for the servicemen, eh, General Bilko?

General?

I believe you. Oh, yes, I believe you, Bet Padre. How are you?

Some time ago that we met, wasn't it? Yes, but it seems like only yesterday.

doesn't it?

Where was it we met? Probably at the Pentagon, eh, Padre? Yes, the Pentagon.

Yes, the Pentagon. The Adjutant General's there with the blitz if we had

missile bandits.

Well, how are you, Padre? Where are you stationed now?

Camp Fremont. Oh, splendid. I believe I know your commanding officer, eh,

Colonel Hall?

Yes. Tell me, how is old Melon Head?

You two are chatting. I've got Chaplain Donahue's lease all made up.

Look at those eyes again. I was right. Good show. Go, go.

Belko, I really didn't expect you to go this far, but you did swing.

Rest assured that I'll put in a good word for you. With the Colonel?

In both places.

Oh, by the way, Belko, I spoke to the young lady.

Sherry? You did? Sherry? In fact, she'll be waiting for you in front of the

hotel at six o 'clock. Six o 'clock?

We'll go right to my suite for a champagne dinner, and then with the

dimmed low and the champagne flowing, I'll take her in my arms and I'll

Oh, look, please.

You may be a gentleman, but I'm still a chaplain. Oh, yes, sir.

You'd better hurry. It's six o 'clock now. I'll run. I'll run!

Huh?

Sherry! Ernie! Oh!

Ernie, what are you doing in that beautiful... I didn't have time to

didn't want to be laid on me. Honey!

I...

Call the chaplain. He'll know what to do. Wait a minute.

All right. Now, give it to me once again, but this time slowly.

Well, it's all quite simple, Captain. This man is stationed at Camp Fremont,

I'm his chaplain.

If you're his chaplain, where's your identification?

I've already explained that in my hurry to get... Sir, he's a chaplain. I can

vouch for him.

You can vouch for us. Yes, sir. And who are you?

General Lafayette?

No problem,

sir. Thank you.

Colonel Hall?

Captain Carter.

Provost Marshal's office, San Francisco.

I've got a couple of your men here.

Yeah, one who says he's a General Bilko, and the other is... General Bilko?

Who did you say is with him?

He's done the impossible.

What's that, sir?

He got the chaplain thrown in the clink.

Bill, there's really no need for you to stay.

I'm sorry, Padre. I've got to see that Bilko keeps carrying out my orders until

train time.

Yes, sir. At least I've got him behaving himself for a few hours.

And that's how they got rid of the wicked witch.

And Prince Charming gave Snow White a great big kiss.

And so Prince Charming and Snow White lived happily ever after.

Wait, it's another one, Uncle Ernie. Oh, come on.

Give me a little while, children. First, we're all going to have some milk and

cookies. And now, children, while Uncle Ernie takes a little rest, Aunt Sherry

will serve the cookies.

Sherry! Please, Uncle Ernie, not in front of the children.

Have a cookie.

Also seen in tonight's cast were John Gibson as the Army Chaplain, Harold

as Mr. Duncan, Betty Bonet as Sherry, Nick Saunders as Captain Barker, Walter

Arnold as Chaplain Donahue, and Earl Marin as Albert.