Original subtitles

Here I am.

Look at these reports from Idaho, Montana, Long Island. Why, it's going to

the biggest potato drop in ten years. That's wonderful.

And, Harley, we've got to make sure that most of those potatoes are in our

sacks. We've got to increase our burlap production, expand our sales staff.

We've got to go all out. We'll need a crackerjack salesman. Right, right. How

about Fred Henderson?

No, he just signed with Burlington. How about Kirby Adams?

Just went in business for himself.

Hey, you know, this is going to be tougher than I thought.

Why, we need a guy with tremendous drive, push, energy.

He's got to be a natural -born salesman. Now, wait a minute. I think I've got

it. The greatest salesman I ever saw. Who? Who? What's his name? Ernie Bilko.

Belko, what firm's he with? He's with the United States Army. He was my old

sergeant. An Army sergeant? Thought you said he was a great salesman. He could

sell anything. We were in the South Pacific together.

With my old eyes, I saw himself sunglassed to the natives. Really?

Well, where is he now? Still in the Army.

What, do you think he'll give up a military career to go into the potato

business? I'm sure he will when I send him a telegram offering him a salary of

$20 ,000 a year.

All right, get easy. Now, here, sit down in the chair.

Where's the telegram?

It's in your hand, Ernie. Where's my hand?

Read me the part about the money.

Dear Ernie.

No, no, no, no. Read me the part about the money. We would like you to take

as sales manager.

Why won't he read me the part about the money?

Salary of $20 ,000 a year. Yeah, that's what it was.

$20 ,000. $20 ,000. We would like you to report to the plant. We went past the

part about the money.

$20 ,000 a year. Say it again. $20 ,000 a year. Now you say it. $20 ,000 a year.

Say it together.

$20 ,000 a year.

It's true. It's true. At last, my true genius has been recognized.

At last, I take my rightful place in the world of industry.

I knew it would happen, Ernie. You knew?

Well, then it's a trick.

You sent the telegram. He wants me out of here so he can take over the system.

Ernie, he didn't send the telegram. You did. I recognize your dirty work. Will

you take it easy, Ernie? It's for real. Here, look at the address. St. Louis.

Were you ever in St. Louis? No.

Were you ever in St. Louis? No, Ernie. Read me the part about the money.

And now, men, like so many other great military leaders who have served their

country well, I must reluctantly leave the army and go into civilian life. We

mustn't be selfish.

After all, industry needs leaders, too.

And so, farewell.

Especially you, Fender. I've known you the longest.

And they've been great years.

Goodbye, Sarge.

Sam, as a token of my affection, Fender, I want you to have one of my most

prized possessions, my radio. Oh, thanks, Sarge. I always wanted... That's

radio.

That's from me five years ago.

Then it'll mean all the more to you.

Well, Dino, it's Arabadechi time, Sarge. No, no, no, no. Don't break down. Give

me to see that smiling soldier boy.

That's the Dino I know. I'll never forget you, Sarge. I'll never forget

Paperelli.

And there's Mullen.

Hot as nails on the outside, but soft as mush on the inside.

That's me, Sarge.

Mullen, I don't think any two army buddies have a greater time than we had.

Remember that $5 you owe me?

I should forget about it, Sarge? No, give it to me. I need it for budget.

There he stands.

How do you say goodbye to Dolman? How?

How can I thank you for the countless things you've done for me? The way you

washed my shirt. The way you donned my socks.

The way you pressed my pants. No, no. They can't take that away from me.

And now, now you've even packed my bag.

No, it's my bag, Sarge. I'm going with you.

That's cute. He wants to go with his partner.

Sarge, don't.

Dolman, I've got to go. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't.

Last minute judo instruction, sir. I was teaching him the Hiawaka hack, sir.

As you were, men.

Thank you, sir.

Well, Bilko, I wanted to bring over your discharge papers personally.

Well, thank you very much, sir. I think you'll find everything in order. All

signatures are in trip ticket.

Have a nice trip.

See you next week. But, sir, these are my discharge papers, sir. I'm leaving

army for good, sir. You'll come back, Bilko. You always do. See you next week.

But, sir, you don't understand.

This is permanent. I'm going into the outside world to become a big business

man, sir. Bilko!

I don't want to sound cynical, but you've raised my hopes too many times.

you next week.

You can't bear the thought of me leaving so you resort to this subterfuge.

But, gentlemen, these are my final words. Mark them and mark them well.

I shall not return.

Sarge!

mill to get on the ball. What are you doing? Watching the girls across the

street in the laundry?

Must I remind you you're supposed to be turning out potato stacks?

I'm making this a million -bag year, and I want everybody on the ball. I'll put

on those shades and get back to work.

Ah, help! Look at that!

Did I startle you, Mr. Verne?

I'm sorry, but as we always said in the army, the men need authority. You've got

to show it to them. Yes, Colonel Bilko.

Oh, come now. There's no need to refer to me by my former military title.

Take a letter to all the district sales managers. You will do that for me, won't

you, like the dear street girl you are?

Oh, you do take good hands, don't you? Yes, I do. You know, in the excitement

our interview, I forgot to ask.

Oh, I'm going to see that you get a raise. Oh, thank you. Oh, but you will

to be a patient girl. You see, they have some silly rule here about working here

a week or so more before you get a raise.

Oh, yes, the letter.

To all district salesmen, gentlemen, I suggest in your future sales campaign

reflect my slogan, which is, quote, the world's best potato will wear a

steadfast sack.

Unquote. Have you got that all?

Yes, I do. Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, I can hardly wait for the office Christmas

party.

Get them out.

I've just been reading your estimates. You're really thinking of making a

million -bag year? I don't know, Roy. I'm new here. I kind of want to get out

a limb. You deliver half that and we'll be happy, and so will you be with a big

fat bonus. Say, that's well, Roy. Good deal. See you down at the club. What?

Oh, speaking of the club, Mrs. Laverne, I've been having trouble with this vibe.

My pants seem to get that whip.

Do you play golf, Mrs. Laverne? No, I don't, sir. Oh, well, you sure do. Come

here. I'll show you. It's very simple.

Just hold the club naturally as you would.

That's it. Now, don't tense up and be relaxed. You know, that's it. Keep your

head wrist. Now, give it a... And a... Oh, son.

Yes?

Send him in. It's Mr. McKenzie.

Oh, is it? Well, he's five minutes late. Good morning, Mr. Bilko. Good morning,

Mr. Bilko. You're five minutes late. Must I remind you this is a business

office? Move it. Move it. Sorry, Mr. Bilko. Sorry, sorry. Let's get going.

were I? Oh, yes.

Take a letter, Mr. Burns.

To the United States Olympic Committee.

My dear Mr. Brundage, how about a potato sack race in the next Olympic Games?

We were just thinking, what a disgrace it is. This final American Games has

being ignored.

Signed out the Citizens Committee for potato sack races. Got it.

Nice and even. Nice and even. Time to be, Mr. Bilko. Time for your coffee

You do worry about me, don't you? I like that.

Good morning, Mr. Bilko. Well, good morning, Armand. What delicious little

tidbits have you concocted for me this morning?

Cold orange juice, crisp bacon and egg, and steaming hot coffee. Splendid,

splendid.

I'll take that, dear.

Hello, Bilko here.

Oh, yes, Mr. Kenny. We're just filling out your order. 20 ,000 bags. We'll ship

it out by the end of the week. What?

You want to cancel the entire order? Well, wait a minute, Mr. Kenny. You

mean to cancel the...

Mr. Kenny, hold it. Hello.

Anything wrong, Mr. Bill? Oh, no, just a slight cancellation. I mean, when

you're going for a million bags, what does a slight cancellation of 20 ,000

mean?

Hold that a minute.

This bacon, it's curled. I distinctly told you I want the bacon.

Did you see this? I got five cancellations. What does it mean?

Oh, nothing. Some little potato bug's causing a little trouble. Pour the

Don't just stand there. It won't pour itself.

And get some...

Harley, we're finished. We're through. What are you talking about, Roy? Our

potato sack business is finished. Our factory will be closed by the end of the

week. You mean the cancellation.

It's still closed. Did you hear that?

Huh? No, that's nothing.

A mere 1 % could mean a... The jam. Get the jam on the table. Now, watch those

sideburns. You want a little coffee, darling? We'll be here for the other 99

before noon. What is it? What's happened? Well, somebody brought out a

bag that's even cheaper than burlap. All the potato farmers in the country are

snapping it up. A plastic bag? I wonder what it's like.

He's got...

Plastic potato pack? Where'd you get it? Oh, some jerk came in last week, said

it was the inventor. I threw him out. You threw him out?

What's the difference? We're not in plastics. We're in burlap, and we're

with over 100 ,000 yards of it. Now, come on, Harley. Let's see what we can

salvage. Hey, wait a minute. Roy, you're not going to give up without a fight.

I'll make a wishing stop, too. I'll go from door to door, bar to bar. Forget

Ernie. We're through.

I'm sorry it didn't pan out. I still think you're a great salesman.

Hey, get that stuff out of here. I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Yes, Mr. Bunker, that'll be $3 .80. Charge it to the company. I just heard

happened to the company. That'll be $3 .80.

Come on, get out. Out, out, out.

Does that mean I have to look for another job, Mr. Bilko? I'm sorry,

but don't you worry a pretty little head. I'll write you out a

some other top executive.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Bilko. Oh, incidentally, while you're looking, if

anything for me, give me a ring. You know my number.

Oh, I could have dictated some wonderful things to that girl.

Too bad, Mr. Bilko. You're only here a week and you're out of a job.

The Colonel was right. One week.

Oh, Scotty, make the haircut real close. The Army likes it that way. Gee, I...

Well, here you

are, Captain.

I can't get over how well you're looking, Colonel Howell. One week

is like a year on the French Riviera.

The vacation will be over soon.

I don't understand, sir. Bilko is gone. He left the army.

Captain Barker, did you ever run away from home when you were a little boy?

And the minute it got dark, you came running back into your daddy's arms?

Well, our boy will be home soon.

Do we have to take him back, sir? There's the rules, Captain.

We've got to protect the country against the enemy.

Anything wrong, sir? That knock, I'd recognize it any time. It sends a chill

my spine. Come in!

And surprise!

Here are your realism papers, your form 20, your uniform requisition, your duty

rosters. Now, get back to the motor pool. Get back to the motor pool. How

longed to hear those words again. Only yesterday I was at a board of directors

meeting. My name had come up for nomination as chairman of the board for

was about to accept when this voice kept saying to me...

Get back to the motor pool.

Here I am. Just get out of those civilian clothes and back in the

know it. You know I'll do it, sir. Glad to be back. It's going to be fun.

Pardon. Wait, wait.

Keep back.

Yes. We'd better alert the MPs. Double the guard. Warn the financial

Vacation is over.

Hey, Sarge. The factory pulled it. Just like that, huh? Just like that. Some

joker came up with a plastic potato sack.

There we were stuck with 100 ,000 yards of burlap. Here you go, Bilko.

Hold it.

That's with the landing barges.

They're for you, your GI shoes.

Oh, not for me, pal. Not for my feet. Give me a pair of those low -cut Italian

shoes. If you want Italian shoes, Bilko, join the Italian army.

Robert Hall never treated me like this.

Everybody's a comedian.

No recruits, Sergeant. You pick them up with their uniforms.

Yeah, sure, boys. Here you are.

Here, watch it, will you, Sonny? Sorry, Pop.

Man, they should have drafted them pretty old, ain't they?

Go on, bad boy, in my platoon. Get it done.

You got over $200 worth of clothes there, so take good care of them.

Wow. I never had so many clothes before in my life.

$200 worth.

Now that's the business to be in, wouldn't it?

Imagine what those manufacturers make selling uniforms to the army. And you

to be in burlap. Too bad they don't make uniforms out of burlap. I wish they

would make uniforms out of burlap. If they did, I know where they can put

hands on 100 ,000 yards of burlap. That's what it would... Burlap, uniform.

You're the manufacturer.

But Ernie, who'd wear burlap? You, him, me, him.

Wire Eastman, tell them to reopen up the mill. Come on, I gotta... Hey, Milko,

time for those uniforms.

I'm not a wearer, I'm a manufacturer.

Williams to see Miss Alcott, please. I'm sorry. Miss Alcott is tied up in an

editorial conference.

Well, do you know, does she have all the fashion models for the fall issue yet?

Not yet. If you'll just have a seat, I'll call you when she's free. Thank

Hi, dear. Will you tell your fashion editor that Mr. Bilko is here?

I'm sorry. We're not using any male models for this issue.

Bless your heart. Oh,

I have no time.

I'm Mr. Bilko of Steadfast Mills. I'm sorry, Mr. Bilko. Miss Alcott is in

conference. Oh, have they started without me? Good heavens. You see, I was

piloting my own plane here. Completely forgot the time. I'll go in myself.

room is it?

I'll find it. Thank you so much.

Now, be an angel and take these sketches over to the art department for me. Oh,

I beg your pardon. I was looking for Miss Alcott. I seem to have stumbled

the model's dressing room.

I'm sorry.

You are Miss Alcott. Oh, I can't bear it, my dear. You're really Miss Alcott?

Well, I can see this magazine will never be stuck for a cover. Not with that

face and that hat. Oh, that hat.

It's darling.

It's not a hat. It's a halo for an angel, my dear. What is it you want? Who

you? I'm Ernest Milko, Steadfast Milk, St. Louis. Sit down, sweetie.

Oh, I have a bone to pick with you, you naughty girl.

What do you mean? Oh, yes, I know all about your article for the next issue,

Time to Change the American Uniform, G .I. Joe, a new fashion. Oh, really,

if you print that article, you'll be out of business in a week.

What business?

Women, we make uniforms. We've been in the military uniform business since

As a matter of fact, it was my firm that outfitted the entire Civil War. And

what a job they did.

It was blue by day and gray by night.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

There's no reason to attack our army's uniforms. I think they're quite a truck.

Bless your heart. That's exactly what my firm has been saying for 182 years now.

Now, how can anybody protest about our uniforms when you look at the uniforms

the other nations? Now, look. Look at the British uniforms. You ever see

anything so drab and dismal?

You think that's bad? Look at this uniform of the French cavalry men. Do

believe it? I mean, I don't understand the French at all. When it comes to

women's gowns, they're so magnificent.

But when it comes to their soldiers, any rags will do.

I wouldn't call that a rag. Oh, dear,

you're just being patriotic. I know they're our allies, and you're being

But really, dear, look.

Look at the shabbiness and the dreariness of these uniforms as compared

uniform of our American soldiers.

Is that one of our soldiers?

Yes. As a matter of fact, this very soldier was chosen best as soldier at

Fremont last month. He was?

Yes, he was.

He doesn't look like any soldier I've ever seen. I know what you're saying.

So comfortable, so relaxed.

Yes. It's the aim of my company to see that every American soldier looks

Like that. Now, dear, how can you possibly write an article about changing

uniforms? Mr. Wilco, after what I've just seen, I'm not only going to write

article, I'm going to start a personal campaign to get our uniforms changed.

I'll be ruined. What'll happen to my business?

You can design a new uniform. But, my dear, there's just so many things you

do with woolens. I mean, if I had some other material to work with.

Why not other material?

Why not?

That's a splendid idea, no wonder you're the head of this organization. Why not

another material? As a matter of fact, our scientists are working in the

laboratory now on a new material. I think they call it Belicon.

It's terribly strong, inexpensive, and amazingly cheap.

Would men look good in it? My dear, potatoes would look good in it.

Oh, one thing. How can I be sure your magazine can influence the army? After

all, you cater mostly to women.

Mr. Wilco, I influence the women of this country, and the women influence the

men. Oh, touche.

Touche, you know. It's back to the drawing room, and thank you.

By the way, is that Miss or Mrs. Alcott?

Miss. Miss, I'm sorry.

See you in a moment.

Oh, all right, dear, but I am extremely busy. Have you seen the latest issue of

Le Monde?

No, dear. They have the most exciting idea about a new army uniform.

You'd look wonderful in that. If the army made me wear a uniform like that,

join the Navy.

No, dear.

The army's not going to spend millions of dollars for a new uniform.

Well, this will cost much less than the old uniform.

It's made of a new miracle fabric called fernican.

I don't care if it's made of cashmere. I love the old uniforms.

Now, if you'll excuse me now, I have more important things to do than to chit

-chat about the latest... Greatest fashions. I have a conference.

Brilliant. New York. Oh, men.

Hello.

Would you get me General Anderson's wife, please?

Of course I saw it, Nell. Isn't it a dream?

Yes, I showed it to the general this morning.

It'll take a little time, but he'll come around to my way of thinking.

I wonder if Gladys saw it.

I certainly didn't see it, and I think it's just darling.

I'm going to show it to the congressman as soon as he gets home.

He may be a power in the house, but here at home, I'm the boss.

I wonder what Helen thought of it. I thought it was magnificent.

Didn't you just love the cummerbund?

I asked the senator to have some of his colleagues over for dinner.

We've all got to get out and push this thing.

What's wrong with the old uniform?

I think it looks fine.

Now, look, Harvey. These are changing times. We're moving ahead in space and

science. We have to consider all kinds of changes.

Don't you agree, Ralph?

Exactly what my wife is saying to me.

I mean exactly what I said to my wife.

Oh, our soldiers must always look their best.

Why, aren't they our ambassadors all over the world?

Is this what you call looking your best? It isn't so long ago that we wore three

-cornered hats and britches. All right, let's go back to that. But not this. Oh,

Harvey, Harvey, we could argue about this all week.

I say let's put it up to a majority vote. That's a good idea. Now let's have

look. All those in favor of adopting the new Burlakon uniform, raise your hand.

All right. A good soldier knows when he's lit.

Burlakon. Well, I guess that's it.

The designer's outside waiting for our decision.

Oh, Corporal, will you show Mr. Bilko in?

I guess they're ready to discuss the contract with him now.

Bilko reparting.

That happens in my army days. You see, I serve for a short while myself.

Nothing as importantly as you, gentlemen, but I was there.

Well, here we are. This is it.

This is where it all happened?

Well, Mr. Bilko, we've reached a decision.

Ah, good news, I hope.

Yes, we've decided to adopt your new uniform. Splendid.

There'll be some modifications, of course. Oh, I understand. A button here,

cuff there. After all, I'm just a designer. You gentlemen see it from a

practical viewpoint.

How many uniforms do you think you might need?

Well, with our combined land and air forces, I'd say about a million.

Splendid.

Look, it seems to have developed this cramp in my wrist. Would you mind

out the order, Black?

I've been sewing all night. Before we sign anything, I'd like to see those

uniforms on a soldier.

That's a good point.

I like this gentleman.

He shows caution. That's what we need in the army. Cautious men. Lend it. I took

the liberty of asking two soldiers to model a new uniform.

You'll see them presently.

Will you show those two young men in, please? Two boys, I don't know. They

kind enough. I just asked them. They were strangers.

Don't they look splendid? Boy, if I knew the army was going to have these kind

of uniforms. Believe me, I'd consider re -enlisting myself. You are Corporal

Sam? Barbella. Oh, Barbella. And you're Hillman? Corporal Henshaw. Corporal

Henshaw.

You do a little calisthenics, young man, so the general can see the uniform in

its practical viewpoint. Go. Hey, notice the freedom and the target.

Notice the flexibility of the army.

I assure you.

Soldiers will be asking for calisthenics.

Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.

What was the name? Well,

there you have it, gentlemen.

You said a million, I believe. Did you fill out the order blank? Just what is

this new material, Burlakon?

Oh, I'm admiring this man.

He takes nothing for granted.

I do admire that.

What? What is Burlakon?

Burlakon is the miracle that combines the delicacy of old lace.

And the tensile strength of cold steel.

You said a million. Well, of course, we'll have to run it through a test

Well, I don't see why that's necessary. We put it through our own laboratories.

We put it through the United States Braille Contesting Machine.

And I assure you, it pulled, it tugged, it stamped.

The machine broke down, but the material held up.

First, let's get over to the quartermaster's testing lab. Well, just

order, then we can get to work on this. If you will just follow me, Mr. Bilko.

He doesn't seem to understand. If he signs now, there's a discount.

I... Oh,

General, this is Mr. Bilko, designer of the Burlikon uniform.

Mr. Belko, this is Major Ross. How do you do, sir?

We'd like to test these new uniforms, Major. Will you put them through the

process? Oh, yes, sir. The test won't take very long. I see you just want to

if the hose is pressed on a wire hanger. Tell us, why don't you sign the sales

order, sir, and then we can go right ahead with it. Now, if you men will step

into this booth, please.

I see you want to simulate actual closet conditions. Well, not exactly.

It's an old weather stormbox.

Stormbox? Sir, if you'll just sign this, I can get... In a minute, Mr. Belko.

You may proceed, Major.

All right, this is the heat test.

Heat?

Temperature is now 120 degrees.

I think they're done now. Would you let about 90 minutes?

Okay.

What is that? They're now in a sub -zero...

Just a minute. There's one more test.

A steaming jungle rainstorm.

Watch it.

It's going to rain.

It's going to drizzle.

You'll see.

I can go ahead with the order, sir.

I'm sure you've wasted your time and mine. It's fine. It's order blank, sir.

need all these statistics.

Bilko, are you finished, Major?

Yes, sir. You can come out now, men.

There you are, sir. Just a little dry cleaning, a little pressing, and a

spanking new again, sir. Good heavens, what a mess.

There's only one material that reacts like this.

Chief Burlap.

Sir, Mr. Bilko, what are you trying to sell the army?

Well, you may have a point there. Perhaps in field conditions this won't

up. But, sir, in an air -conditioned dry office, I'm sure this will be splendid.

Now, how many... Out, Mr. Bilko!

Out, Mr. Bilko!

All right, out. You couldn't keep it neat. You had to get sloppy. Out!

Hey, hurry up, you guys. A new ship of the potatoes just came in. All right,

right, Big Mouth. Just put them down.

Hey, look, Ernie, they're back to Berlin.

Who cares what they're back to?

I must have been out of my mind looking for a career in civilian life.

Got all the career I want right here.

Roof over my head, food ain't too bad, steady income.

I need an extra few bucks.

Oh, Robin.

Yeah, Booker.

How many containers in that bag?

In here?

182. You're wrong.

You owe me five bucks.

Everything I want is right here.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Aaron O 'Brien Moore as Miss Oakett, Herb

Boland as Roy Eastman, Bill Swetland as Holly, Lisa Laughlin as Miss Oakett,