Original subtitles

Easy with that crate. I'll relax, will you? It's heavy. The heavier the better.

Maybe it's a crate of portable typewriters.

A crate of typewriters for 25 bucks?

That's the beauty of an army surplus auction. You bid on an unopened crate,

may come up with a treasure. That's right. Remember the guy last month? He

15 bucks and he got a case of binoculars.

How about the guy that bid 60 bucks and got a crate of paperclips? You don't

understand. That's the very wild spirit of adventure that appeals to me. You've

got to think, Phil. You've got to take chances.

Let's open it up. I think this time we hit the jackpot. Take it easy.

Maybe a case of watches.

Huh? 10 ,000 watches at $10 a piece?

I'm warning you, you crack one crystal, it comes out of your share.

There it is, Sarge.

What is it, Ernie?

Yeah, come on, Sarge, let's see.

It's yours for five dollars, no question about it.

Come on, Sarge, let's see, will you?

It's a case of junk.

It's only on top.

Underneath, it's trash.

Five bucks out the window.

Sarge, look.

Horseshoe. And spurs.

And reins.

Looks like we bought a horse's footlocker.

Other guys get binoculars. Other guys didn't.

What's that?

Property of the Fort Apache Officers Club, United States Cavalry, 1868.

That's Army surplus?

Sure, and they've been waiting almost a hundred years for some sucker to come

along and buy it. Should we throw it out, Sarge?

What? What? What throw it out? What's with this throw it out? Did the Army

it out?

We're gonna sell it. Sell it?

Sarge, you couldn't sell this to a six -year -old kid.

Sure, a six -year -old kid would be too smart.

But a 40 -year -old Rittich, that's another thing.

I won!

I won!

What? What'd you win?

Fourth prize in the cowpoke contest. I won it!

I send in 25 words or less why I watch cowpoke and I won fourth prize.

Cowpoke? What's cowpoke? That's a new Western series on TV. It's on at the

time as Maverick. And have gone, we'll travel. No kidding. The same time.

Now I'll have to get a third set.

Well, you should have entered this contest. You'd have won first prize.

first prize?

Thanksgiving dinner with Smiley Burnett.

I don't know about it. What did you win? I don't know. It just came from the

post office. Let's open it up, boys. I wonder what's in there.

Look what you want.

Hey, fellas, look at this.

A cigarette lighter.

That's not a cigarette lighter.

That's a spur.

Oh, a spur? Well, I don't know.

Oh, look.

A picture of a baby elephant.

That's a buffalo.

I guess I'm just not the cowpoke type. All right, fellas, let's get this over a

pawn shop, see what we can get on it. Oh, wait a minute, Booker.

I'll take it off your hands.

You will?

Uh -huh. Well, you can have it for what it cost me in box tops.

Well, that's fair. How much was that? Fifty dollars.

Fifty dollars worth of box tops?

Well, I'll give you twenty -five.

Oh, I guess I should take a little loss. After all, I did eat the cereal.

Here. Here's your twenty -five.

Oh, boy.

My old cowpoke outfit.

Gee, I'm going to hang this picture right up here in my kitchen. Why don't

hang it over the stove? It'll give it that indirect lighting effect over the

burners, huh? Yeah. I'm going to get some hammer and nails. Hey.

Don't let you guys play with my kit while I'm gone. Don't play with his kit

while he's gone.

This isn't a pushover. If all the cowboys were like him, this country

still be in the hands of the Indians. I'll put it over the stove. Hey, wait a

minute, Ernie. Hold that picture up for the light a minute. I think I see

something. What do you see? What? Look, there's a map under the painting.

Hey, wait a minute. That is a map.

A gold mine? A gold mine. It's a map of a gold mine.

Why not?

This crate hasn't been opened since 1868.

It's a...

Did I tell you? Did I tell you that army surplus auction would pay off? Wait a

minute, Sarge. The picture belongs to Ritzik. Only for a few minutes. I'll buy

it right back. Give me a towel, quick.

Hurry, here he comes.

I hope Ritzik don't notice us.

Ritzik don't notice what? Oh, we had a little accident. You should be careful

where you leave the goulash. Things fall in it.

You dropped my picture in the goulash?

Oh, it's all right. It's nothing. Do it. I'm cleaning it off. It smells

beautiful here. You ruined my picture. I ain't picture.

Here's $5 for the picture. What are you going to do?

Gold. Gold!

Gold! Are you sure?

They're all checks. Look. There's Grove City above the gold mine. There's

Whitehorse River. There's the Laredo Peaks in the distance. Right?

Scott, we're rich. We're rich. Gold! Gold! Gold!

Did somebody say gold? I heard the word gold. Who said gold?

He's painting my room. Rockle, he wants to do it in eggshell white. And I was

saying, no, we should do it in gold.

Gold! Do you have to discuss this in the middle of the night? Well, you know how

it is with painters. They come in at six o 'clock in the morning.

Well, go get some rest. I'm sorry to stay with you.

Go on, get a good night's sleep. We must discuss this painting at another time.

Wow, that was so close.

Yeah. Listen, from now on, that word is out.

Well, what are we going to call it, Ernie? We've got to give it a code name.

I got it. We refer to it as potatoes.

Hey, that's smart, Sarge.

Potatoes. Hey, Sarge, when are we going to go digging for the potatoes? Well, as

soon as I can get a three -day pass, I'm going out to California. Now, wait a

minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean, you?

What about us?

What's with you two guys?

You don't trust me? You think I'll keep the potatoes for myself?

Oh, look, Ernie, we wouldn't care if these potatoes were just potatoes. But

these potatoes are gold.

Gold. I heard you say gold.

Did you? Did you? Yeah, and you know what I think?

What? I think you should paint the room salmon pink.

Dino did it again. Oh, that Italian artistic temperament. Thank you very

Pat Bradley. See you tomorrow.

Sorry, Ernie. Watch it. Now, wait a minute. Are we going to go to California

with you? All right. The three of us will go, okay? Good, good, Dutch. Get in

your bunk, get some rest, and whatever you do, don't talk in your sleep. Okay,

Dutch. Good night. Good night, Ernie. Good night.

California, here I come.

There's potatoes in them, thou hill.

Let's get moving. Oh, Sarge, take it easy, will you? My sack is killing me.

Mine, too. Why didn't we get a mule? No, we're not cutting anyone else in on

this. Three is enough.

There's the Whitehorse River right there.

There's the Laredo Peak, and Grove City is behind us.

According to the map, it should be right behind those trees. Come on, let's

move.

Sarge, Sarge, look.

An army post.

An army post?

On our gold mine, we're cooked.

No, I mean it's deserted.

It is? Yeah. Look, Sarge, there's a sign.

Camp Fremont.

Camp Fremont. Hey, isn't that from World War I?

Yeah, but that's been closed since 1918.

Do you think they discovered the mine? Not a chance if they had it or dug the

front line trenches right here. Then they haven't discovered it yet. No.

Then it's all ours.

We're rich! We're rich! We're rich!

What? No, no, there's nothing wrong.

I thought I heard you yelling potatoes.

Well, you see, my fellow campers and myself, we've had nothing but bean seed

the past three weeks, and now we seem to have come upon some potatoes.

Potatoes?

Potatoes? They're so excited. Are you a camper yourself? We're going to pitch

our tent right here. Why don't you pitch your tent behind the mountains? I hear

there's a lovely spot there. No, no, I'm a surveyor.

A surveyor?

Very interesting. What are you surveying for? The state's going to put a

superhighway through here.

Super...

Super hard? Does that mean you're going to blast her off?

That's right. In six months, there'll be thousands of cars whizzing right over

this spot.

Did you hear that, fellow campers?

We're going to set a road back to the heart of Mother Nature. I suppose you

nothing about the poor displaced animals and little chipmunks, little squirrels

who depend on... What about the little birdies? Where are they going to build a

nest? In the toll booth?

Hey, Joe!

Well, take the line from where you are right through Camp Fremont. Hold on.

a minute. You can't go through here. This is government property.

Not after next week, it ain't. The army's lease is up and they're not going

renew it. Well, Harlow, suppose the army renews their lease. Then we'll have to

go around and build through the valley. Well, if I were you, I'd start surveying

the valley. You know how the army is. They change their mind at the last

If they're going to change their mind, they better work fast. We start digging

next week.

All right, Joe. I got it marked.

Happy camping.

If they're like this, they're going to build a road. You know what it'll be?

It'll be our road to the poorhouse. Wait a minute, Sarge. Maybe we can get a job

on this road as diggers. Now, they can't stop us from taking home the dirt.

What road?

What road?

They wouldn't dare build a road to one of the Army's most active installations.

Active? But this is a broken -down camp. The Army hasn't used it in 40 years.

Isn't that a pity? It's going to cost the Army a fortune when they have to

reopen it. Who's going to make them reopen it?

Tell them, Rock.

Ernie is.

Ernie is?

Ernie is.

How do you do, sir? That's me.

Oh, excuse me. I was thinking ahead.

How'd I get to meet my staff? This is my chief engineer, Mr. Henshaw. How do you

do? I'd venture to guess you've crossed one of his bridges at some time or

another. This is my construction head, Mr. Barbella.

You, of course, have heard of Boulder Dam. Oh, yes. We won't go into detail.

you mind? Let's get down to business. May I use your desk?

The blueprints, Mr. Henshaw. Right here, C .B. As you'll notice, Your Honor,

these blueprints are self -explanatory. You notice there is home plate.

Plenty of distance in the outfield and the power lines are placed properly.

320 feet on either side. Good, good.

We don't want to run into the same trouble the Dodgers had in Los Angeles,

we? The Dodgers? As you notice, these hills here form a perfect background to

obscure the late afternoon sun.

Mantle has told me himself personally he doesn't like hitting with the sun in

his eyes. Mantle? Yes, Mickey Mantle.

You've heard of him, of course. Yogi Bearer's roommate. Wonderful boys.

have a lot of fun with them when you meet them. They're coming here?

Yes. Did you get my wire?

No. Didn't get my work.

Every detail I have to work myself.

And this is all new to you, I mean, about the big move. What big move? Well,

know, the trend in baseball today is to move. As you well know, the Brooklyn

Dodgers moved to Los Angeles. The New York Giants moved to San Francisco.

And now... You mean the New York Yankees are coming here? The New York Yankees?

The Grove City Yankees. And on opening day, we've arranged for you to throw out

the first orange. That'll give it that California touch, your assistant.

Let's go start breaking ground for the stadium.

All this happening to Grove City, I never dreamed.

Well, sir, it's a perfect spot for baseball. Perfect.

Oh, the crowds will draw here.

Oh, but we only have a population of 2 ,200.

Oh, those.

We'll let them in free.

It's those soldiers we want.

Those soldiers, those great baseball fans.

But what soldiers?

The soldiers at Camp Fremont. Oh, they love baseball, those soldiers. Oh, but

there aren't any soldiers at Camp Fremont. Oh, I see they're all out on

maneuvers. No, the camp has been closed for the last 40 years.

What? What did you say?

The camp, it's closed.

The army's lease has expired.

They're tearing it down next week.

What did I almost do?

I almost moved the New York Yankees to a ghost town.

They'll beat me to death with their baseball bats. You mean you're not going

bring the Yankees here? Sir, with that camp closed, I wouldn't bring a spelling

bee here.

Perhaps San Diego will still be interested.

The week. Wait a minute.

Maybe I can do something. Well, you'll have to hurry, sir. Your own words. That

lease is up next week. How about Fresno? The Fresno Yankees? Or better, the

Pasadena Yankees? I'll tell you.

I'll call our senator. Our congressman.

Miss Adams.

Well, Sarge, I guess that does it. Listen, that's a good first step. Now

got to go back to Fort Baxter and open a second trunk.

Charles?

Charles? What?

What? Wake up. There's Sergeant Bilko outside to see you. Sergeant Bilko? I

don't know any Bilko.

Charlie, old buddy, it's me, Ernie.

I'll leave it. What's the matter?

What did you say your name was?

Ernie Bilko. Ernie Bilko. He said it right out. It was 40 years ago and he

remembers. Oh, Johnny.

Remember that song you were always singing? We got the hunt on the run and

cut.

Remember those days, Johnny boy?

Bilko. Remember how the French girl used to call me?

Bilko. Hello, Bilko.

Look who I'm telling you about, the French girl.

Remember that little dancer at the mola?

Good heavens, you married a thief. See how I was at the excuse.

Do you ever hear from the other girls at the Moulin Rouge? Oh, those were the

days. My name's Daddy.

I didn't know any Fifi. No, he didn't know any Fifi. I'll back him up if I

about it. You don't know any Fifi.

Oh, wait a minute.

What are you doing in that uniform?

Charlie, I'm going to level with you.

We fought a battle in 17, and now we've got another battle to fight.

Are we at war?

I didn't read the whole paper. I fell asleep.

That's why I got into this old uniform. The rows, the old gang. What happened?

Charlie, they're going to tear it down. Turn what down?

Glorious old Camp Fremont. Camp Fremont? Where's that? In California and in our

hearts. Camp Fremont. Oh, Negro City. I knew you'd remember. You remember those

nights we used to have around the barracks fires?

The songs we'd sing and that young officer used to entertain us playing the

piano. What was his name again? Harry Newman.

Young Harry Truman. Truman, that was his name. Oh, great.

That was in the infirmary with the measles. Yes, but the finest medical

the army pulled you through it, didn't they?

And now, Charlie, the state of California is carrying down that old

I guess the story is through with us.

They closed the book on us.

Tanting tonight.

Tanting tonight.

Wait a minute, Ernie.

Nobody closed the book on us. We ain't like that.

That's it.

That's the old battle cry of the old 113. We ain't like that.

We ain't like that. We ain't like that.

What do you say, Charlie? I'll call up the boys all over the country and I'll

tell them what they're trying to do to us.

I'll tell them to call their post headquarters, their legion commanders.

Why, those young whippersnappers in the Pentagon, they're going to hear about

this. Attaboy, Charlie. The eggs are coming, you bet.

I'd just like to see them tear down that dirt. What's the name of that again?

Your boss.

Attaboy, Charlie. We ain't.

500 more telegrams, sir. And they all say the same thing.

Don't tell me. We ain't licked yet.

I thought I'd get a promotion for getting rid of that old relic. Suddenly

treat me like I'm trying to tear down the Alamo.

You know what these are?

Protests, sir? That's right.

Protests from veterans, politicians, and army personnel.

They're angry and I don't blame them.

daring to wipe off the map one of the Army's most historic installations, Camp

Tremont. Tremont, sir.

Well, whatever it is, I want it reopened.

General Walter Gordon, Camp Tremont, Grove City, California, has hereby been

reactivated. All post commanders, please notice, the office of commandant of

Camp Tremont is open to volunteers. You did it, Ernie. Congratulations. When

this came over to teletype at the message center, I couldn't believe it.

couldn't believe it.

You believe the seven wonders of the world, don't you?

Why not believe the eight?

Exactly. As soon as we get the ground aboard you, we can start digging for

Potatoes. What's your hurry? We've got to make sure that the colonel gets out

there before us.

That's right, Sarge. The colonel hasn't seen his message yet. Should I take it

to him? What's your hurry? Right now the message means nothing to him.

Give me a few minutes and it'll be very important.

Here.

Excuse me, sir, I hate to bother you, but may I ask the Colonel a question?

is it? Do you and Mrs. Hollins enter going to Roseville tonight, sir? Yes,

the Roseville Junior League Charity Ball.

Oh, yes, that's the big gala affair of the Roseville social season. Then you'll

need this, sir.

What is it? Bus schedule.

Now, sir, if you take the 805, that'll get you into Roseville at 9 .15, sir.

What are you talking about, Bilko? I'm not taking a bus. I'm going in the staff

car. But, sir, I told you the fan belt is broken, sir.

That was two weeks ago. Didn't you requisition fan belts? Oh, yes, sir, at

ten times.

Well, if the staff car isn't ready, I'll take a jeep. Oh, good. Then the pistons

came, sir. If you'll give me the pistons, I'll put them into the jeep,

pistons? I didn't get any pistons. Well, I didn't get any pistons either, sir.

But I'm sure it's just an oversight.

That doesn't mean they're closing down the camp.

Who said they were closing down the camp? All the men are talking about it.

They've taken up a pool, a dollar a man, naming the exact date they closed Fort

Baxter. I refuse to join them, sir. Nonsense. Why would they want to close

Baxter? Exactly what I told the men. Would you consider the important work

doing here in rockets and missiles?

We haven't got any rockets and missiles.

Fort Cullen got that project, but never mind. So when I tell them about the

radar installations they're putting here, sir... Fort McAndrew got the radar

installation. Oh, yes.

Then what did we get, sir?

We didn't get anything, Belko.

They're closing down Fort Baxter.

Colonel Holt, sir?

This message just came from Washington, sir. Thank you. Makes me want to look at

him in that coat.

Yes, corporal. It's 80 degrees outside. Why are you wearing that overcoat?

Oh, well, my shirt didn't come back from the laundry yet, sir. You have only one

shirt? Well, I put in a requisition for another one, sir. Fourteen times, but...

Fourteen times?

It's the piston story all over again, sir. I'll go unpack.

Bill, come. My colonel called.

It's a miracle.

We're moving to a new camp in California and they want a volunteer who'll take

over. No.

Oh, the colonel is just trying to make me feel good.

No. Here it is. Camp Fremont. Camp Fremont. I wonder where that is.

Hello. Corporal Simpson.

Get me General Gordon at the Pentagon.

Bill, go. We're moving to California.

I feel like I've struck gold.

Potatoes.

We're starting at this dumper. I want to see the new camp. Me too. This place

gives me the creeps. No wonder. It's a ghost town.

Hey, Sarge, can I go in there and take a picture? I'll tell you what you can do.

You can go in there and start cleaning up.

This is your new home, Camp Fremont.

That's Camp Fremont?

I'm not going in there until I get my shot. I seem better.

What is this, a mutiny?

Now, you guys are going to feel pretty silly if I have to call out the National

Guard to get you in there.

Welcome to Camp Fremont.

Plenty of time for that when we get there, Bilko.

I'm afraid we're here, sir.

Here?

Believe me.

There it is, sir. Camp Fremont. Thirty years in the army and they make me the

commanding officer of Shantytown.

That's why the Pentagon chose you, sir. They wanted a builder. A pioneer who can

turn this wilderness into a garden. They didn't choose me, Bilko. I volunteered.

I picked up the phone and asked for it. Sir, I'd like the colonel's permission

to start digging at once.

Digging for what, a way out of here?

Sir, what I mean is I'd like to dig for fresh water for the men.

Very well. Meanwhile, I'll look for a place for Mrs. Hall and me to stay.

must be a low tree here somewhere.

Come on, Doberman. Dig, dig,

everybody, dig!

Hey, Sarge, can we stop now? We're dead.

I told you we're going to dig until we find a well. Well, we struck water five

times. Yeah, but that water had iron in it. You want your teeth to get rusty?

Dig. We're not looking for water. He's got us digging California's first

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dig. And remember one thing, you guys. If you come across a

metal shining object, don't touch it. It may be radioactive.

Radioactive? Well, what do we do, Sarge? Just clear the area. I don't want none

of you guys in on this. I mean, I don't want none of you.

Dig, everybody.

Hey, Sarge, look, a potato.

Potatoes? I'm rich. We did it. I'm rich.

Don't use that word.

Dig, dig. What are you staring at? Sarge, we ain't found a thing yet. I

we're right close. We're going to find it. Come on, get back. Come on, dig.

can I speak to you a minute in private? Not now, Grover. I'm very busy. It'll

only take a minute. It's important.

What is it? What?

Well, it's really nothing. I was wondering how much gold costs on the

today. Well, it's according to how much it weighs.

Gold?

What are you going to do, sell your wristwatch or something? No, I was

if I'd just discover gold.

Oh, here in California?

That's silly. When those 49ers got through, there wasn't enough gold left

California to fill your teeth.

Oh, yeah? How would you like to fill your mouth with this?

Let me touch it. Get your hands off me.

I was sick of the telephone ball and hit this. There's a whole vein of it, and

it's mine. All mine.

What is it? It's yours. It's yours or mine. I'm declaring you in on this.

partners. Partners, but I found it. Shut up. Who got you out of here? Who got

them digging? Who found the map? Yeah, but I discovered the gold.

You know what the penalty is for poaching? Are you prepared for a legal

Are you? No. Pardon?

Pardon? Don't say a word of this to anybody. You and me.

When I found it back in my kitchen, I was thinking a garbage pit.

Golden, you're too late for it to get ours.

Yeah, but I found it. It's my garbage pit.

What do you mean it's yours?

He's right, Rupert. He brought us out here. He knew about the gold.

But it's mine.

Find this keeper.

I think you ought to hold your decision. If I'm his keeper, I'll abide with it.

But until then, I'll see you whenever you're caught in the man. You'll not

one. Don't be an idiot, Rupert. Come in with us. Pardon me.

Partners. Partners.

Shards. Oh, gold. I found gold.

You want to come in with us or are you prepared for a legal battle? Hey, charge

with what I found. Gold. Gold. Gold. Gold.

All those who found gold, raise your hands.

We're all partners. Partners?

What do you mean?

What do you think I got you digging for?

Water. The water's yours. The gold's ours.

Thank you very much. That's the gratitude, huh?

It's our man.

It's who got you out here. Who found the map and brought you out here to

California. And this is the thing.

It's our man. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

We're sorry, Dodge. What do you think you would be?

Are we all partners?

Yeah. Listen to me.

Your follow -up, I say, will be the richest platoon in the world, and here's

what we've got to do.

First of all, we keep this to ourselves.

At the end of each day's digging, you bring the gold to me. And after ten days

or ten thousand dollars worth, whichever comes first, we divide the gold up.

I'm warning you, if I catch one of you guys smuggling gold under the sphinger

lamp, look out.

What do you do, sir? I was just talking to my partners.

The platoon, I was telling them, keep out of the hot sun. It's so destructive,

sir. Did you find any water yet? Oh, a little here and there. It's not enough

fill a glass full.

I was afraid of that. This spot is very dry.

You won't find anything here except dust and rocks.

And this stuff.

Gold? Cybro, do we have to make him a partner?

Gold, sir?

Yes, fool's gold.

Fool's gold? It glitters and shines like gold, but it's worthless.

Worthless? Well, a ton of it may bring you a dollar or two.

You'd be surprised at the number of men that have been fooled by it.

Now, carry on.

Who dragged us all the way out here for this?

A mountain full of petty cash.

My garbage fitters waste more.

How do you feel now?

Yeah,

always. I'm dreaming up these ideas, always. I don't blame you. Let me have

good. I've done it again. I'll spot it myself.

Always scheming, always conniving. You'd think once I'd play it straight. Not

me. Look what I did to her. I brought us all out here from a beautiful camp in

Kansas, and we're stuck here.

You guys must hate me. We do, Sarge. We do.

I don't hate you, Sarge. Thanks, Dwayne.

Why, Sarge, it's beautiful out here. We're right in the middle of everything.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, look, look.

San Francisco's over there.

Hollywood's over there. And back there is Las Vegas.

And who got you out here? You did, Sergeant. You did, Sergeant. What do you

Three cheers for the old Sarge.

seen in tonight's cast were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Jeff Bryant as Mayor Rickles, Catherine Payne as Mrs. Platt,

Tom O 'Hearn as Mr. Platt, Frank Schofield as the Surveyor, Al Sander as

Blackburn, and Royal Beale as General Gordon.

Up next, Maury Amsterdam guest stars as the Phil Silvers show in Birdavision

continues.