Original subtitles

86, 87, 88, 89,

90, 91. What do you do? Oh, he does 100 strokes every day.

Well, it comes to one stroke for each hair.

Did you get the go -on -the -way present for Joan? Yes, an ounce of imported

French perfume. Oh, swell. Thanks, kid. Wait a minute.

I laid off a buck and a half for that. Well, put it to the rest, I think it

comes to $19 .40.

Totally great. Now, when it comes to paying off, nothing. Out, out.

Eight, nine, one, hundred. Well, that does it. Sarge, what time are you going

meet Joan? In a few minutes. She and Nancy are catching the 815 train to

Chicago. Oh, what a night for a date. The moon is out, the stars are out, and

there's no poke again.

Come on, Goldman, hurry up.

98, 99, 100. Look, the counting is for the hair.

Good boy.

Can I spray you with some perfume, Sarge? Yeah, just a little dash right

Hold it, hold it. Not too much. I want the poor girl to be able to get on that

train.

Well, how do I look?

Positively devastating.

Don't tell me no man is a hero to his valet. Say, Sarge, can I spray a little

myself? Sure, it's great. Right after your shower.

Forget it.

Hey, Bilbo, I got a question to ask you.

I'm in a hurry. What is it? All right, whose picture is on a $100 bill?

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

$100 bills he brings with me.

He's wrong.

It's Benjamin Franklin.

Boy, does he look handsome. Where'd you get that?

Why did you ask, Rupert, buddy boy?

Well, I was over at Trap Game at the Beth Hall, see? And I won $215.

Take it easy. Jocelyn Benjamin.

Well, beautiful.

I'm hot, Malpucco, and I'm ready to take on anybody.

Anybody? Especially you. Me? Yeah, except the challenge.

Sarge, what about Joan? Joan? Joan Hogan. Don't you remember? She's going

leave for Chicago tonight.

Well, the game is over at my house. My wife is out of town. I'm hot, Malpucco.

Don't keep me and Benjamin waiting.

I'll be there in five minutes.

Relax,

Mr. Timon. Here's Ripsick. Diana will be taken, and I've got a date with Joan.

Well, then what are you going to do? Well, I can only do the decent thing.

you say goodbye to Joan for me. Sarge, I'll never speak to you again.

Right. Well, I'll make the goodbye real fast. It'll be goodbye, Joan, and hello,

Benjamin. See ya.

Joan, Joan, Joan.

Parting is such freestyle. I'll miss you, dear. Hurry back.

Wait a minute.

I die each time we say goodbye. Goodbye, dear. Honey, I still have an hour. I

thought we'd have a cup of coffee. No, why prolong the inevitable, dear? It's

better this way.

Sayonara. Goodbye.

What's the matter with you? I thought we'd be gone for two weeks. Two weeks?

To me, that's an eternity. I'll miss you.

Goodbye, dear. You don't have another date.

Another date? I give you my solemn word about a... Or a poker game? I give...

Poker? Why would I... Oh,

it's better to just turn away and say goodbye, dear. Ernie, it will only take

minute. Now you wait right here. All right. Oh, women.

Sarge. Sarge, did you say goodbye yet? Eight times. Not one of them took. Well,

you better hurry up. Ritzik already lost 20 bucks. I'm trying. I'm trying. Try

harder. I have never seen Ritzik with a wife case of gambling fever. You

would... What? What?

Rupert? Rupert has a fever. I have to rush there. Poor Rupert. It's a

of that malaria he got in Guadalcanal. Oh, it's bad.

Oh, it's pretty bad. I hope I'm not too late. Oh, poor Ritzig and his wife is

out of town. Let me go with you. No, no, no. It'll be all right. I'll take care

of it, dear. Have a good time in Chicago.

Hold on, Benjamin.

Rupert, I'm coming.

Oh, Ernie. Ernie, how do you do it? Lucky in love. Lucky in cards. What more

I need? A muzzle. All right.

All right, Ernie, come on. What do you do? Well, he's got $2.

And I'm going to raise $2.

I see you for the $2. All right, what do you got?

Four jacks.

Just dip me. I got two pairs.

Sarge, Joanie's coming. Joan, what is she doing here? Hey, deal me out. I'll

head her off outside.

Joan! What are you doing here? Well, I thought maybe a little hot soup might

help. How's he doing? Oh, not too good.

Oh, can I see him? No. No, his cold may be contagious.

I thought he had a fever.

Yes, but I cooled him off. Hey, Bilko, I'm getting hot again.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

He's been like that all day.

First the fever and then the delirium.

Oh, boy. Well, listen, you call me in Chicago and let me know how he's doing.

should. You go to Chicago. Have a good time here. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Hey, Bilko, look. I got a flush.

What were we saying?

We were saying goodbye.

Forever. Oh, no, no. I mean, let me explain this. Never mind, Ernie. We're

through. I'm sick and tired of playing second fiddle to a deck of cards. Look,

Johnny, listen to me. I haven't seen you for three years and you listen to me.

Ernie Wilco, do you know what you are? You're a phony.

You're a fat -talking, big -mouthed, selfish, unfeeling, foreflushing phony.

Goodbye. John, wait. Get out of the way.

to marry that girl. She understands you.

Well,

come on, Bill. Are you going to play?

Am I going to play?

Haven't you got any feelings at all?

The girl I love just catches me in a miserable lie, and all you can say is,

you going to play?

Well, are you?

Of course.

Boy,

that makes me furious.

What? Don't go. What else?

Forget it, Joan.

You know, you're right.

You know, I'm making a big thing out of nothing. All he did was tell me a little

white lie so he could play poker. Yeah.

What do you mean, yeah?

Maybe it doesn't bother you, but it bothers me, that heel.

It's your own fault, honey.

You're too easy on him. That's why he takes you for granted. I know.

Here I am, eating my heart out, and he's probably back at Fort Baxter happy as a

lark.

Well, I'm going to get some coffee. How about you?

Okay.

Am I terrible if I sit here for a minute? It's taken. I just want it for a

moments. Oh, look, mister, I know what you're trying, but... Please, it's

nothing the sort of... I'm trying to avoid a photographer.

Oh, sure. Well, at least that's a new approach.

Look, miss. Come through here. Yeah.

Cut it out.

There he is. No, really, miss. I... Got it. Out of my way.

What's your name, sergeant?

What's all this about?

Well, you tell me. You were the one who was playing footsie with Randy

Vandermeer. Randy Vandermeer? Oh, come on now. Don't play dumb.

You love him for himself or his millions?

Now, wait a minute. Oh, we want a caption.

Randy Vandermeer to Mary Wack. Blue Bloods H. White.

Now, come on. What's your name?

Don't give it to him, hon. You don't want your name linked with that wolf.

You're right. What would everybody back at Fort Baxter think? What would Ernie

think? That's right.

What would Ernie think?

Yeah.

My name is Joan Hogan.

H -O...

Dear John, haven't heard from you in three days.

What gives?

Long time, no hear.

Ah, wait a minute. That's not it.

That's mushy.

That's mushy? I get more sentimental letters from the finance company. Don't

tell me how.

Here you go, master. Please.

Well, what do you mean, sir? Why should I write her first?

Let her write me first.

Let her worry if she's got me hooked. You know what I mean? Play it cool. You

don't catch Ernie Bilko carrying a torch, pal. Play it cool. Always cool.

That's the way you operate. Hey, Ernie.

Jones' picture's in the Chicago News.

Jones? Yeah.

My Jones? Well, I don't know about that. You'd better take a look.

Randy Vanderman, a millionaire sportsman. I love that. Right away,

sportsman. He's got a couple of racing cars, a few polar ponies, and a yacht.

That makes him a sportsman? Gee, Randy Vanderman. He has zillions.

How do you like that, Jones?

I never figured it would be this cold and calculating.

Do you know people?

Let this be a lesson to you men.

Three years I've given this girl my undivided devotion.

This. This is the way she repays. Sarge, remember what you said. Always play it

cool. Shut up.

I can't have her marry this whacked -up playboy. He's been married seven times.

Gee, he's married more dames than I've kissed. I got to tell you something.

Ernie, how are you going to compete with a millionaire playboy? How? By

appealing to her finest instincts, to her warm -heartedness, to her

nature. Yeah, but how?

How? By pulling one of the rottenest tricks I ever pulled. That's how.

But Ernie... Oh, shut up. I can't have her marry this guy and let him ruin her

life. I've been going with her three years. If anybody's going to ruin the

night, it's going to be me.

Come on.

I wonder why you haven't heard from Vilco.

Don't worry, I will.

What makes you so sure?

I know Vilco.

Look, the picture appeared in the paper on Tuesday.

It got the clock back to on Thursday.

The next train out of Roseville was 10 o 'clock last night, which should get

them into Chicago around 9 o 'clock this morning.

Now, let's say it takes them 15 minutes to get from the station to the hotel,

which means that we should be hearing from them right about... now.

Well, you know, you'll be playing poker.

Hello?

Corporal Henshaw's on his way up?

Good. I wonder what the master plan is. Don't worry. We'll know soon enough. If

he came all the way to Chicago, it's got to be abuse.

Come in.

Oh.

Joan, Nancy, have you seen him? Seen who?

Poor Ernie.

What? Poor Ernie. Well, ever since he saw your picture in the paper with Randy

Vandermeer, he went to pieces. No.

Then he went AWOL. He didn't. We thought he might have followed you to Chicago,

so the colonel detailed us to pick him up. I wonder where he could be.

Well, if you run into him or he tries to contact you, please let us know. Yes, I

will. Thank you. Yes, I will.

Hench, I found him. Where? Where?

Chief Flophouse, just off the loop.

Chief Flophouse? My Ernie?

How is he?

He's not good, Joanie. He's not good.

He keeps repeating the same two names over and over again.

Who? Joan Hogan and I .W. Harper.

You've got to go to him.

He needs you. He needs your warm heartedness. And your sympathetic

Here's the address.

We'll tell him you're coming.

He'll be weak but happy. Please come.

He needs you.

Bless you, Joan.

Did I get you to give me a few?

Yeah. You drove him to drink. Oh, Nancy, I'll see you later. This is one

performance I don't want to miss. What are you going to tell him?

Well, if a picture of me with another man drove him to drink, who knows what a

wedding announcement would do.

Did you believe it? She practically had tears in her eyes. Did I tell you to

leave it to the old Sarge? Play on that sympathy to putty him.

Watch the window. I can't believe you pulled him up any minute. See, I got a

hand to see early.

Are you kidding? This is just the beginning. Wait till you see my big

scene. When I get through with Miss Hogan, she's going to drop this guy so

so she can spend the rest of her life nursing me back to health.

Sarge, Sarge, there's a cab pulling up.

Thanks.

Give me the whiskey, Bob. Fill it

with tea? Good.

Give me five seconds.

Boy,

that's good scotch.

How can they put that off for 46 a quarter?

I spent 50 cents for this room. I

didn't have privacy.

It's Joan.

Joan? Joan here?

I've got to fix myself up.

No,

no, Sarge, Sarge.

She's here, Sarge.

Ernie. Ernie.

It's you, Johnny?

Yes, darling, I hate to see you this way.

Why don't you... You don't come here, Johnny. Go, go before I drag you down

me. I'm no good for you, Johnny. I can't leave you like this, Ernie. Don't worry

about me, Ernie. I'm okay.

I've still got a dollar and a half.

even for the sweeper.

You know why?

Because Ernie Bilbo's a big sport.

That's why they have... a big sport.

You took me out of your own overview, Ernie. Go away before I drag you down

me. Goodbye, Ernie. Bye.

I want you to know I'm not bitter.

I wish you and Randy happiness.

And don't think of me when you're there in that Riviera sunning yourself and I'm

here in Skid Row.

Freezing.

All I'm thinking of is your happiness.

Ernie, I've got something to tell you.

Yes, what?

Randy has asked me to marry him and I've accepted.

prestige, and at last I've met a man who can make my dreams come true.

It's getting dark in here.

Oh, it is?

I have a dinner date with Randy at his apartment.

Well, before you go, I want you to know... I want you to know I'm a big

finally outsmarted himself.

And in his apartment with candlelight suppers. You know what that means? I

what it means. I know what it means. It means they're going to go up to Randy's

apartment and break this thing up once and for all. That's the spirit, ain't

Give me a drink. I need a drink.

Sarge, that was tea.

Why are you giving me tea?

Music for Midnight Madness.

Who can that be?

Sabrina! Why, you lowdown, too powerful.

Oh, Sabrina, please, we decided it was over. We wouldn't see each other

You decided it was over? I'm still madly in love with you, you dirty rat.

Make it more difficult?

Don't make me have you thrown out.

But, Randy, you promised to marry me. Yeah, well, Sabrina, feelings change.

People grow apart.

Since yesterday?

What business conference?

Sure. Soft light, champagne, music.

Who are you expecting?

John Foster Dulles? No, really, you have to go. Please.

I'll make it up to you somehow.

I'll send you a check for $5 ,000.

You know my new address?

Yes. Now, will you go, please?

Oh,

just in time.

Try to solve something.

Where is she? Who? Who? That southern blossom that you're trying to trample.

That's who. Southern blossom, huh? She just left. A likely story.

Darling, come out. I've saved you in the nick of time. Where is she? Darling,

don't be ashamed. Who are you? What do you want? What do I want? I want young

innocent girls spared from the likes of you. That's what I want. Darling, I'm

here. Come.

Uh -huh.

Candlelight. Champagne.

Mum's 1901.

You coward.

Don't you do anything on your own.

Darling, it's all right.

Madness by Lawrence Welk.

You want Lawrence Welk, do you? Well, you'll not get away with it, sir.

One, two.

Come on, Peter.

I'm calling the police. Police? You call the police. You're the last one to say

police. Come on, Joan.

Joan, it's me, Ernie. Who's Joan? I don't know any Joan.

I don't know any Joan. Let me refresh your memory.

That's who's Joan.

Joan Hogan, right there.

Believe me, I don't even know this girl.

I was trying to duck a photographer. She just happened to be there when the

picture was shot. I've never even seen her again.

You're kidding.

No. You've never seen her again?

No. You didn't invite her here for dinner?

No, no. I'm waiting for a beautiful resident named Dorothy.

Look, will you please leave?

Wait a minute. Look, just level with me. You never saw her again? No. And she's

not coming here for dinner? That's right. I don't like that, Monk. She's

to fool you. Trying to make me jealous. She's not going to get away with it.

Will you forgive me for bursting? You understand, man of the world. Now what,

Sabrina? How are you going to send me a check when you don't even know my life?

I know it. I know it. Will you please go? Who is it?

Look, get her out of here.

Did you promise to send her a check? Yes, yes. I'll send it. What are you,

lusting up a man's evening? He's going to send it.

You're cute.

Oh, yes.

You should have seen Ernie in that flop house.

Your happiness is all I care about.

Oh, yes.

I have all to do to keep from laughing right in his face.

What do you think his next move is going to be?

way out, he has to come to me on bended knee and beg for another chance.

Are you going to take him back?

Oh, sure, but first I'm going to have him crawl a little.

Good, good. Step on his fingers once for me.

Huh? No time?

I better get going.

Come in, Ernie.

Joan, may I see you a moment? It's terribly personal.

What do you want to see me about, Ernie? Well, I really don't know where to

begin. Well, just start anywhere.

Well, first let me say, Joan, there'll never be another girl like you in the

world for me.

And although you're lost to me forever, you'll never be gone in here.

Oh, that's nice.

And I want to wish you and Randy every bit of happiness.

You love him very much, don't you? Yes, I've never met anyone like him. I'm

sure.

You must try to forget me.

Forget you?

Never. But try I must.

That's good thinking.

Eventually, someday, you'll meet somebody new.

Oh, I already have.

Yes, somebody very sweet, warm, and understanding. You have no idea what a

comfort she is to me. Oh, she is, is she?

Come here a minute, dear.

Oh, honey, honey, I've been waiting out there for five minutes. I love you so

much. No, not now, honey. I want you to be funny, please.

No, no, that'll come later.

I'm so reserved.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Honey, you must... I'll try to calm her down temporarily.

Honey, look.

Would you hold this a minute?

Sometimes... That usually does it.

Oh, honey, thanks a lot. I needed that. Oh, you little devil.

Sabrina, I want you to meet... How do you do, ma 'am? I want you to know I'm

just crazy about your son.

My son!

You run downstairs. I'll be down in five minutes. Oh, you little devil. Goodbye,

honey.

How could you do this to me?

Take up with another woman the minute my back is turned.

Oh, look, honey, it shouldn't mean anything to you. You're engaged to

I am not. I never even met him. You didn't? No, I made the whole thing up

to make you jealous.

Well, Joanie, if it's any confidence to you, I use Sabrina for the very same

reason.

and stop being such a nosy...

Mmm,

that's wonderful wine, Ernie. Wonderful girl and a wonderful night.

Now, is this better than making each other miserable?

It certainly is. That's a good boy.

Oh, I must have been out of my mind to doubt you for a minute. To think that

would throw yourself away on that worthless playboy.

Especially when I hardly met.

What are you looking for, dear? Cigarettes, darling. Do you have any?

I'll get some. Good. T .T., you have that?

What does that mean? Ta -ta for now.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, there you are.

Remember me? Randy Vandermeer, the man in the train.

Oh, yes.

I never did get to thank you for being so kind.

Hi, Sarge. Hey, Rock. Thanks for doing it, Tom. How's it going with you and

Joan? Fine. I should have my head examined for ever doubting a girl like

Me thinking that she could go for a stuffed shirt like this Randy

Believe me, I don't deserve a girl like that.

Sarge. Sarge.

Look. Well, thanks again.

It was delightful seeing you again. Nice to see you.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Did you get the cigarette?

No. All right, wait a minute. Who? Who? Your hand is still wet from his kisses.

You're saying who?

Oh, Randy. He just dropped by to say hello. This is the first time I've seen

from the train. He just accidentally dropped by. You expect me to believe

Oh, Ernie.

Ernie, Ernie. Darling, it's you, sweetheart. It isn't Randy. It's you.

sorry. No, it's wrong with you. You're just too sweet.

Miss Hogan?

Yes? Compliments of Randy Vanderman.

Oh, good. That's it. You're a man. Each one's doing one. Sends you a bottle of

champagne, huh?

Mom's 1901. Does that sound familiar? Why don't you tell me? Oh, you're

again. I told you I did Randy a favor on the train, and this is his way of

saying thanks. How do you expect me to believe that? You think I was born

yesterday? Why don't you tell the truth?

Miss Hogan, compliments on Mr. Vandermeer.

All right, that did it. All right, first of all, on the train, you went right to

his apartment, huh? What name do you use? Dorothy? Is that your other name?

expect me to believe... Come on and dance with me. They're playing the theme

my favorite album. Your favorite album? What's that?

Music for Midnight Madness.

That did it. Don't touch me.

Everybody, listen. Let them listen. I want them all to hear. All right, don't

spare my feelings. Tell me the truth. Admit that you're madly in love with

I'm madly in love with him. Ah, you admitted it. In the wrong words, you

it. What are you doing here? Is this your station?

Well, wait, I'll pay for it. Get out of here.

Go home. Go home. I'll get Randy to take you home. Randy, wherever you are, come

get her. She's yours.

Now, don't listen to me. This is the last time I'm going to speak to you. We

through. Will anybody call me?

Oh, you're just in time. Here, take her. Take her, you philanderer, you. Oh,

look here, Sergeant. Oh, lift your hand. You want to get physical. That's all

right with me. We'll have a go at it. Rock, can't you?

Yes, I told me.

You're lucky to get here just in time.

Take her. Who needs her? Who wants a girl with a temper?

The chick, sir?

Why, didn't he pick it up? Who, sir? Mr.

Vandermeer. We're very close friends.

Embracements, Joan.

Thanks. You seen Ernie?

Seen him, yes.

Talk to him never again.

Can't say that I blame you. Come on, honey, it's time for lunch. Well, wait a

minute. I'll be through here in a second.

Uh -oh, don't look now, but here he comes.

Hello, Nancy.

Hiya, Bilko. Would you please tell Sergeant Holger that he owns the duty

and where are the spare parts I requisitioned?

Sergeant Bilko... Would you please tell Sergeant Bilko that he'll be notified as

soon as the shipment arrives?

Sergeant Hogan says you'll be notified as soon as the shipment arrives.

Tell Sergeant Hogan that Sergeant Bilko says thank you.

Sergeant Bilko says... Will you tell Sergeant Bilko that Sergeant Hogan says

he's welcome?

Sergeant Hogan says you're welcome.

Shall I wait for an answer? No.

Good. My neck's getting tired.

Sergeant Bilko says goodbye.

Goodbye. Oh, no. Don't try to make up, please.

Nancy, would you please tell Sergeant Bilko that I wouldn't make up with him

he was the last man at Fort Baxter?

Sergeant Hogan says she would... Oh, come on.

Why don't you two make up so you can have a good fight without an

May I introduce you to Sergeant Bilko?

How do you do?

How are you?

Well, I've got to go now, Sergeant Hogan.

Of course, Sergeant Bilko.

Joe. Oh, Rudy.

Oh, Rudy.

Will you ever forget me? How could I think you could go for a crazy nut like

Randy Vandermeer? Oh, darling, I was suspicious, too.

I'm suspicious of you and that empty -headed blonde.

I don't even remember her name.

Oh, sorry.

Good job.

Sabrina. What are you doing here?

I'm listed.

Enlisted? Why?

Well, honey, when you kissed me the other day, I felt downright patriotic.

again. You keep your hands off me.

where Elizabeth Fraser as Joan Hogan, Richard Durr as Randy, Betty Binet as

Sabrina, Jane Dulo as Nancy, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, and special guest star Sammy Kahn as the waiter.

Now stay tuned for the monsters next year in TV Land.