Original subtitles

So dear heart, the fire of our love still rages within me.

The sound of taps is wafting through the still night.

But I am not lonely.

I am happy.

For in a few minutes, we will be reunited in my sweet dreams.

Everlastingly yours, Cupcake.

Gee, Sash, that's beautiful.

Yeah, Cupcake.

It'll be a dollar. A dollar? The last love letter you wrote for me cost me 75

cents. Have you forgotten that writing expenses have gone up?

If you don't want this perfumed letter, I'll give you a little note on a pad.

No, no, no, Sarge. I'll take it. All righty.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, Sarge.

Really, what's wrong? I just wrote you a masterpiece.

Well, would you do me a favor? I want to change the girl's name on the letter.

Oh, don't you want to send it to Marsha? It's too good for Marsha. I want to

send it to Anita Eckberg.

I'm from Fleischmann.

How about Ava Gardner?

Eckberg Gardner.

I'll think about it. Think about it. All right, next.

Well, double impassioned. Now, what's it going to be this time? Something sweet

and gay or something weary and worldwide?

Nothing. Sarge, I want to cancel my account.

Why? Something happened between you and your pen pal?

Yeah. Louise is getting married.

Married? And you must have sent her a hundred beautiful letters.

Married. Who's she marrying?

The mailman.

Oh.

Well, don't you grieve. Some lucky girl will get you on the rebound.

No, Sarge. I'm leaving Fort Baxter. Leaving Fort Baxter? Nonsense.

Sarge, this place has too many memories.

I put in for a transfer to Alaska.

Alaska? Dwayne, you're not ready for cold storage. I don't want to hear any

talk about Alaska.

Sarge, I want to forget.

Well, you forget the only way you know how.

Drown your sorrows in a jumbo malted.

While you're in town, go see a movie. I understand the plan of Bugs Bunny

Festival this week.

Now, that's enough. Now, this is on me. Go and have a good time. Take the

afternoon off. Forget all about her.

Yes, Louise.

I mean, thanks. Okay.

Look, Daddy.

She likes me. Sure she does.

You be good to her and she'll be the best friend you ever had.

Well, Mrs. Prescott, you certainly made a wise choice.

Judging from her pedigree, this Doberman Pinscher should grow up to be a

champion, just like her father.

Yes, I saw her father win Best of Show at the Armory. Yes, by the way, we'll

forward the Doberman's papers just as soon as we get them from the National

Kennel Club.

Come on, baby. Come on, darling.

Come on. Here we are.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I want to buy a dog. What kind of a dog?

Oh, one that's loyal and true and will never let you down. You have all breeds.

How much did you want to spend?

All about...

$5 .28?

$5? I don't think we have any... Wait a minute. I do have a poodle. Would she

love me?

Well, she's just a stray. I can't guarantee what she'll grow up to be

if you're just looking for a companionship, there she is.

Oh, she's beautiful!

Hello, little puppy!

Do you want to come home with me?

She loves me! She loves me!

Uh, yes. It'll be $5, please.

And could you give me your name and address for our record?

Doberman, Fort Baxter, Kansas.

I'm going to name him Louise.

Oh, we're going to be so happy when they kill us.

Mr. Dunlap, those pedigree papers for that championship dog you sold just

arrived from the kennel. That's for the Doberman. Will you send them out,

please? The address is on the counter there.

Oh,

here it is.

Doberman, Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Oh, I hate the end of the month, all this bookkeeping. But I guess General

Motors goes through the same thing.

How did he do on the Moonlight Hayride?

We lost $12 on account of the rain.

Make a note, the next hayride will be held indoors.

Ooh, I love you, you sweet little thing.

Here's another kiss for my baby.

Why don't they turn that radio down in there? Soap operas. I got a platoon full

of housewives.

Now, how'd he do on the turkey shoot?

Ooh, you're so soft.

And those big, bright eyes.

Not the radio, that's Doberman.

Oh, Louise, I could hold you like this forever.

Louise, that's his pen pal.

Stop it, Louise.

You're biting my ear.

She's biting his ear. What do you want to go outside, dear? Come on, let's go

over here, baby.

No, not in there. That's some tree.

Come on.

All right, Don Juan, where is she?

Don't get me with the baby blue eyes.

I know you're hiding her. Where'd you hide Louise?

I'm not hiding her, sir. She's outside.

Outside? Are you nuts with officers all over the place? You know you can't bring

a girl in here.

Louise is a dog.

I don't care what kind of girl she is. Get her out of here.

Wait.

Hey, why did I put in those letters? I must be a regular Cyrano.

Here she is, sir. All right, miss. She'll help.

This is Louise. Isn't she beautiful?

This is Louise?

Yeah, I bought her at the pet shop with the money you gave me.

I thought you was a girl.

Get her out of here.

She loves me.

Wait. Try to understand. When we joined up in the service, we all had to leave

our loved ones behind. Now get her out of here. Sorry, she won't take up much

room. And besides, I'll give her all my leftovers.

What leftovers?

When did you ever leave leftovers?

Now get her out of here. Oh, Louise, I've lost you again.

You like this blue thing? Dodge to the barracks. Oh, see, we're such a cute

little puppy. Why don't you let him keep it?

Rocco, you know the rules and regulations as well as I do. Come on,

do some bookkeeping.

Hey, Sarge. What? Where's Goldman? Look, this letter came from the

administration building. Must be from that Dame Louise returning his love

letter. So that Dame really burns me up.

What is it, Faraday?

Want to join the readings? Decide to get out of here.

Get out of here. You think you should open it, Sarge?

Why not? I wrote the letter.

National Kennel Club.

What is this? Oh, maybe it's about the dog Doberman bought. Yeah, yeah, the

pedigree papers. Listen to this.

Classification, Doberman. Well, that's Dwayne.

Dog, female, signed by champion Yeoman Dulles Blue and champion Dame Blue de la

Chanson. Wow.

Hey, get a load of this family.

Look at all these prize winners.

Best in show, National Kennel Club.

Grand Prix, Paris Dog Show.

Blue Ribbon, British Royal Kennel Society.

You mean that funny -looking little puppy?

Hold your tongue.

You're talking about royalties.

In the veins of that little puppy flows the blood of kings.

So what? All they ever win is ribbons. Ribbons? Yeah. Well, with green on them.

Tens and twenties.

Do you know what a champion dog makes?

Personal appearances, breeding, endorsing of food for dogs. Yeah, but

look. Why would anybody sell Doberman a championship dog for five dollars? I

don't know. Somebody must have made a mistake. It happens all the time. One of

the greatest racehorses of all time, Stymie, was sold for peanuts.

Wait a minute. You made Doberman take the dog back.

I made him take... Yeah.

You... You said rules and regulations.

I love rules and regulations.

Where's Louise?

Louise.

There he is. Wayne.

Where is she? Where's Louise, the darling little puppy?

Sarge, I brought her back like you told me to. But the minute you left the

barracks amidst the pitter -patter of her tiny little paws and the cute little

way she barked.

But Sarge, she was only with us a few minutes.

And besides, you told me army rules and regulations. I told you. He told you.

Let's go in and get Louise.

You'll be very happy with this puppy, sir.

I'll write up a bill of sale. Fine.

Louise! Louise!

Saji's got Louise!

All right. Excuse me, sir. Are you interested in that little puppy? Yes, I

bought it. Saji bought Louise! Now, now, now. I know how relieved you are,

Dwayne. You thought they'd never be able to sell her.

Never be able to sell her? Oh, don't get me wrong. She's a darling little puppy.

Oh, little... Oh!

Oh, sir!

I forgot she wasn't wearing her muzzle.

Muzzle for a little puppy?

Little... Sir, you're forgetting a scorpion is no bigger than your

However, you have nothing to worry about as long as you have no children.

I have three children.

Well, you better be careful. Keep her on a strong chain.

However, if you want her to run about, you can always send the children over to

their grandmothers.

The salesman told me it was a sweet little puppy.

Oh, did he? Roll up your pants so I can show him your leg. Remember the time she

went for your throat?

Did he open the door? For one panic -stricken week, fortunately.

We're all in the army. We have guns, you know. Guns? Amazing. Well, here's your

bill of sale. And here's your dog.

How dare you sell a monster like that to a man with three children? Oh, she went

for me. She's a tiger, a tiger.

What's the matter with him? Oh, one of those characters carrying a grudge

against the world, taking it out on a little puppy.

Excuse me, I'll put this dog back in the window. No, don't bother. The young man

wants to buy the dog again.

I don't know, Sarge. If she's that vicious, maybe I ought to buy a bunny.

shut up.

Excuse me, have you got a muzzle for him?

Yes, little burpy dog.

There she is, fellas.

Prentice Louise, future champion of the dog world. Hey, Sarge, can I pick her

up? Did you wash your hands? Yeah. Let me see.

Look a little rough to me. Put some rubber gloves on. Sarge, can I stop

My back is killing me. Mop.

Sarge, the room looks clean to me.

It may look clean to you, but I want it clean enough for a dog to live in. What?

Sarge, here's a flea powder.

Good. I want you to sprinkle that on every man in the platoon. If this dog

catches one... Sarge, here's a roast book cassette, sure. Spread them all

the floor for the little puppy.

Sarge, which section does she like, the sports or the fun? Come on, come on.

She's such a high class dog, give her the society page. Hey, Sarge, you got

wrong page. She don't want the Gazette, she wants the Post.

Get it? It's a joke.

It's a joke. Get out of here.

And suppose the winner, I feel, is Radcliffe.

Come on. Hold the time.

Stop dealing. I feel lucky tonight. Quiet.

You're waking the dog up. Come on, little baby. It's beddy -bye time.

We're going to get a little sleeping.

Hey, look at him, Mark. Can't she do tricks, Ernie? If she's Bill Cole's dog,

she probably could do car tricks.

Take a good look at these two clowns. When they need an act in the dog show,

this is it. Come on, let's get the game started. I've got to play here. We'll

play in the kitchen. We'll keep the dog awake all night. Come on.

It's her bedtime.

Out. Softly. Out.

Yes, little sweetheart. It's time for little Sweetums to go get a little

bedding. Bye. And Daddy's going to see you in the morning. Go to sleep, little

angel.

What's the matter

with Daddy's angel? Does little Daddy miss him? It's

Daddy -ums. No, no, baby.

Daddy's... No, sweetheart.

We've been... Yes, son? Dog sitting tonight.

Watch over her. If she needs me, come and get me. I'll come right in here,

if I'm winning.

Close your eyes, little doggie.

I bet to a boy poodle, she looks like Gina Lola Bridgerton.

Well, that'll be $2 .50.

That's worth it, Marty.

$2 .50? You only charge me a buck and a quarter.

What's the cut?

We may take our business to Elizabeth Arden. Out, out. She's beautiful.

Give her a little air. Everybody, out. Out, out.

What did they do to you? What did they do to her? They just made her a cinch to

win the championship in New York, that's all. Think she's got a chance, Sarge?

Think she's got a chance. You saw her papers.

Her father was champion. Her mother was champion. She comes from a better family

than you do.

Just think, Louise.

In a week, you'll have all New York at your paws.

Hey, Sarge, look at these orders.

Alaska? They're shipping you to Alaska?

I thought I told you to cancel this request.

I forgot.

Sarge, everything was so mixed up. You've got to help me out.

I'll do what I can. Don't you worry. The minute I get back from New York, I'll

pull a few strings. I'll get you right back in there. You leave everything to

me. Sarge, it's so lonely in Alaska. Can I take Louise with me?

Louise with you to Alaska?

You see how she's clipped?

She couldn't even stand air conditioning.

But Sarge, she's my dog.

That's right.

She is your dog.

Take her with you. Take her with you to Alaska.

Don't let her go to New York for her big chance.

And in a few years... when she's lying there at your feet on the porch and she

looks up at you with a look that seems to say, Master, why didn't I ever amount

to anything?

You tell her that on the eve of her big chance, you took her to Alaska.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

Only you'd see it that way, Dwayne. I'll go pack your galoshes and knee -mops

and leave everything to me.

Sarge, can I say goodbye to Louise?

That's kind of sweet of you. Go on, say goodbye.

It's got to be at the airport first thing tomorrow morning. Well, we've got

put the straw on the bottom first. Straw?

I want wall -to -wall carpeting. Rocco, get Louise. We'll see if she fits.

Did you leave a little compartment for food, for water? There's no room, Sarge.

Well, make room. Make it split level.

I want a honeydome.

Look, look. Louise ate the room. She's gone.

Somebody left the door open.

Louise. Louise.

Leave me alone. I'm looking for Louise.

She's all right. Here she is, laying in Dublin's bed.

Oh, no, baby.

What's the matter with baddies?

You don't like that nasty old crate? Would you rather lay in a bed? Would you

rather go on a lower bus to New York? Come on, baby. Take a bed. You put a

ribbon in your hair. Sir, she don't look good to me. Maybe she's sick.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that, friend.

Come on, baby. Come on.

She's been moping around, I guess, ever since Doberman left.

That's it. She misses Doberman. We all miss Doberman, don't we, Fanny?

But, darling, you still have me, sweet, lovable Uncle Ernie.

Sir, she don't want sweet, lovable Ernie. She wants fat, sloppy Doberman.

Not just with them moping around like this. Doberman, got a reminder?

I got it. What's that, Sergeant?

Fellas, let's go looking for Doberman.

We're going to look for Doberman now.

I can't call Alaska on the radio. Why not? You got the equipment. All you got

do is plug it in.

I need a break before it. I can only call Alaska in case of a national

emergency. This is a national emergency.

Look, suppose I win that prize, huh? It's $10 ,000.

What happens to that money?

The government takes $6 ,000 off the taxes. And what does the government do

it? They buy planes, tanks, guns, missiles.

I'm strong.

A fortress of freedom.

But if Louise loses that dog show, our nation is in grave peril.

Oh, is that what you're saying? Of course.

And you'll also get 10 % of the prize money.

Oh, Duke, look at that.

This is Fort Baxter calling QPB in Alaska.

Come in, QPB.

Come in.

Private Stone from Fort Baxter reporting for Alaskan duty, sir.

That is.

Well, these seem to be in order. Excuse me, sir. An important radio call from

Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Is it hooked up to my extension? Yes, sir.

This is Lieutenant Watson. Come in.

Don't be alarmed, sir. This is just a routine check. Has Private Dwayne

reported for duty yet, sir?

Oh, splendid.

Just a routine check. Would you cross -check it with me just for the

information, please?

Private Doberman. Dwayne.

Serial number?

834 -6832.

Eyes blue. Hair brown.

Weight? 130 pounds.

Height? 6 foot 2 inches. Age?

22 years.

Height? 6 foot 2 inches?

Weight? 130 pounds. Are you sure you have the right figures?

Yes. Doesn't the man fit that description? I mean, sort of a young

Stewart?

Jimmy Stewart?

I have a chubby middle -aged man.

Good heavens, I was afraid of this. They've undoubtedly kidnapped the real

Doberman and substituted one of their own.

What? Yours isn't a strategic base, is it?

It is.

Here's what we'd better do.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Right.

Corporal, will you come in here right away, please? Can I go to my barracks

please, sir?

Not so fast, Doberman, or whoever you are.

I want two men to fly this man immediately to the 78th Street Armory in

City. If he cannot be identified by a female named Louise, you are to take him

directly to FBI headquarters.

Come on, baby. Break up, Louise. Remember, the show must go on. Maybe

hungry. Why don't you give her a few bits? Oh, really? And fatten her up so

she'd waddle into the ring?

I've got a good notion to report you to the judges.

The Doberman is nowhere in sight. Not in front of the door.

He's got to be here in time. He's coming by jet. Well, he'd better hurry because

the poodle class is next.

Oh, we've got to stall. We've got to stall somehow.

What did you say? Did you hear what Rocco said, Louise?

Doberman phoned from the airport. He'll be here.

All right. French poodle's next. All dogs upstairs.

French poodle so soon? That's right. French poodle judging at nine o 'clock.

Well, it's some mistake. You see, my dog is a California dog. She thinks at six

o 'clock she won't be up for three hours.

Just a minute, sir.

I claim a foul here.

I thought this contest was for a French poodle. Oh, it is?

Then what is this lady's dog doing here?

I beg your pardon? This is a French poodle. Oh, really? Nice try, lady. It's

obvious to see that this dog comes from Alphace, Lorraine, which, as everybody

knows, is the possession of Germany. Now, do you want me to go on with the

German poodle contest? I have no objections.

That's ridiculous. This is a French poodle.

Oh, really?

Fraulein?

Your objection is not valid. Now, have your dogs ready.

Just a minute. This lady has no license.

The very idea.

I'm doing this for your own protection. Suppose there's a dog, Groucho.

We're behind schedule now. Bring your dogs upstairs.

Come, Pierre.

We'll see whose poodle wins.

Yeah, lucky Pierre, I know.

That's it, huh?

Well, can we at least take her upstairs and try?

What good is trying? What good?

This is a contest for breeding, not brooding.

Honey, look.

She's wagging her tail. She's happy.

What is it, baby? Hey, Ernie, Ernie, he's here.

See, you hear that, Louise Doblin? He's here. He's here.

All right, all right. I'll tell him. Watch her. I'll be right back.

Sir! Time to get away, Wendy.

Good work, man. I'll take charge of the prison. Sorry, Sergeant. We got orders

not to release him until positive identification has been made. Yes, I

understand.

Tell me, soldier.

What's your name?

Dwayne Doberman. Not very sure, are you? Just a minute.

Do you know a female named Louise?

Who, Louise? Quiet. I'll ask all the questions. Do you know a female named

Louise? Yes. Describe her to me. How tall is she? 5 '2", 5 '4"? No, she only

comes up to my knees. That's very interesting. Up to your knees, huh?

What does she look like?

Well, she has brown eyes, brown hair, and a cute little bushy tail.

Sounds like a dog. It is a dog.

Doberman. This is Doberman. Only the real Doberman knows that Louise is a

Louise is a dog? Hey, see, that you didn't even know. Good work, man. I know

you're ready.

Job well done. Anyway.

Sarge, where's Louise? Come with me. We've got to get her up into the ring.

on.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner in the French poodle division is champion

Louise. Louise, you... Louise, baby, we did it. We did it. You did it.

you. Congratulations, you are now eligible for Best in Show prize. Best in

or since for the big money.

Now, may I have the dog's paper so I can enter this award? Of course, here you

are. Are we on television now?

Hello there, dog lovers.

No, these are the papers for a Doberman. Here he is, Doberman.

No, these are the papers for a Doberman dog.

Evidently, there's been a mix -up. Now, I want the papers for the poodle. What

are you talking about? Those are the only papers we ever had.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. If you have no proof of the dog's pedigree, I'm afraid

can't give you the prize.

What do you mean? Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a disqualification. The

winner in the French poodle division is champion Pierre.

Ladies and gentlemen, you might sit there and see there's some justice done

two soldiers who protected you in the South Pacific, giving the right to this

German dog whose real name is Tom Trooper.

Dog biscuits, $30.

Modern man dog coat, $27.

Rhinestone collar, $4 .85.

Boy, that dog ate up our profits for the whole year. Yeah, but she was worth it.

For 30 seconds, she was a champion.

And we got Doberman transferred back here. Yeah, where is he? Oh, he took

over to the family that answered the air. They got a couple of kids that want

their dog, and they'll be good to her. That's nice. On weekends, we can go and

visit her. All right, now, we got to recoup our losses. Any suggestions?

How about a Fourth of July dance?

Oh, good. We already had five this year.

You have the most beautiful brown eyes and the cutest little nose.

This is where we came in.

I don't care what he's found. What kind of a dog, if it's a champion or not, I

want nothing to do with it. Hey, Sarge, can I talk to him? Don't talk to me. You

want to keep her, keep her. Just don't let the colonel see her. I can't? Yes,

you can.

Roxanne! Roxanne! Come here, dear. This is

Roxanne. Yeah.

She is... Oh, Goldman, run out of the pet shop and buy yourself a little petty

boy. Oh, but Sarge... That's another get a pet!

So you're Roxanne.

That works.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Edith King as the Dowager, Barnard Hughes as the Judge,

Evans as the Salesman, and Roy Monsell as Lieutenant Watson.