Original subtitles

Gurney, what are we going to do? We've got a whole weekend facing us and we've

got 20 cents between us. I wonder how much money Fender will get for your

Sweetie, bring us another bowl of potato chips, please.

Look, Diamond, Jim, you've got it all wrong. Potato chips are supposed to make

you thirsty, not hungry.

I never thought I'd live to see today when a fine establishment like the Snake

Pit hustles you for drinks. No wonder the finer people no longer congregate

here. We've still got 20 cents, aren't we? Yeah, call it honey.

Bring us one glass of beer.

Oh, wait till I tell the boss. He'll be so excited.

That last remark was close to a fine tip, my lady.

Yeah, Sarge. Oh, good. Did you get any money on the watch? Nothing. The guy

he couldn't give me a cent on account of the writing on it. You mean the writing

on the back where it says, To Ernie with love? No, the writing on the front that

says, Mickey Mouse.

Well, then I should get a thousand bucks for these.

Looks like we'll have to get out of the USO, so... Oh, boy, that'll be fun.

Waiting in line to play ping -pong. No, no, they got a new hostess down there.

Supposed to be a pretty good dancer. Yeah, I saw her.

If they play anything faster than the minuet, her wig falls off.

What happened to you, Dina? What's the matter? The craziest thing. I was

across the street and didn't see this limousine.

First thing you know, Cracker was... You were hit by a limousine.

No, stop. Come on. You're making a terrible claim. Lie down. A limousine

boy. Save your credit, Moe. Moe, don't get rid of your pain. Moe.

Where's the driver of the car?

He's outside.

Get him in here on his own. Moe.

You may have a concussion. You don't know who this Moe is. Moe.

Moe. Not a happy man.

It's a fortune in the moment.

That's it.

drivers must be taught that their recklessness will cost them.

Don't worry, buddy. We've sent for an ambulance. Look at this poor boy. Out

a weekend of fun and look at him now, moaning in agony.

Moaning in agony.

You'll be made to pay for this if we have to take you to the Supreme Court so

this innocent victim or his survivors will be fully compensated.

However, we might be forced to settle in a friendly way out of court for, say,

for a hundred dollars.

Look, I'm a busy man. Take this up with my insurance company.

Roseville Accident and Life Insurance Company.

We'll file our claim right away. You're not moaning.

I'm not hurt. You may be in a terrible state of shock. Come, moan. Why don't

moan? Take the victim out gently. Get some champagne and put it on ice. We may

be right back.

old, a mere boy who loved life and lived it to the hilt. And now he may never

dance again.

Listen, listen to him moaning in pain.

The only confirmation is that that reckless driver was covered by a fine

reputable firm such as the Roseville Accident and Life Insurance Company. I

shudder to think... Hold on a moment, Bilko.

You've been talking for five minutes and I still haven't heard what happened.

how you were crossing the street with the light in your favor when suddenly

of nowhere this limousine bore down and... I mean, how it happened, Sarge.

yes, you told me. You were standing on the sidewalk minding your own business

when suddenly this car went out of control and the... Please, Sergeant, let

tell me what happened. Tell him, Paparelli.

Well, I was running across the street when I slipped and banged into the

of this limousine. You see, in his pain, he forgets the details. How fast was

the car going? Was it going 40 miles an hour, 50 miles, 60?

60 miles an hour in the center of town. Did you dodge? The car was parked at the

curb. Yes.

The car was parked.

He's delirious. He doesn't know what he's saying. I know what he's saying,

Sergeant. He's saying that in this state, you can get up to 10 years for

John, it's too bad you aren't covered by one of our policies.

As a matter of fact, all you boys at Baxter should get together and get a

accident insurance policy.

Group insurance?

Yes. There are 10 ,000 soldiers at Fort Baxter. I could probably work something

out for as little as $25 a man.

That would come to a quarter of a million dollars in premiums, wouldn't

I figure that... Excuse me, some other time. I've got a lot of work to do. Come

on, boys. Wait a minute, Sarge. I want to hear this. I'm sick of your gold

breaking.

Are you sure you know what you're doing? What do we know about the insurance

business? Why does Dad know? It's just like any other business. You've just got

to make sure you take in more than you pay out. I don't know, Sarge. Look, I'll

make it simple for you.

Suppose we insure half the guys on the post with accident policies. We'll say

$20 a year. What does that come to?

5 ,000 men at $20 a piece, $100 ,000.

All right. Suppose we have to play out claims of $50 ,000. What profit does

leave us? $50 ,000.

Congratulations, my dear man. You've mastered the insurance business.

Did you do a good job? Yep. Every place that said Lloyd's of London, he changed

it to Bilko of Baxter. They all hear you. Very good. Hurricane insurance,

and theft insurance, accident insurance, Bilko annuity, what?

What are multiple maternity benefits?

That's a little gimmick I put in with the health plan to encourage the sale.

If they have twins, we give them $300. If they have triplets, they get $1 ,000.

If they get lucky and hit the jackpot and have quadruplets, they get $1 ,500,

and I kill myself.

So if you'll step up and see Corporal Henshaw, he'll be glad to make out the

type of policy you want. Now, I must remind you, there'll be no crowding.

First come, first serve, and remember, there's a blotter given to each and

man. Now, don't crowd.

And can't be crowding if they're not caring.

Just don't. You especially, Fender. You, a family man, with responsibilities.

You, above all, need insurance.

Suppose something should happen to you. Sarge, you've got a wife and six kids.

What else can happen to me? Don't let me.

You,

Mullen. You certainly could use some insurance.

Yeah, Belko. How about a polisher to protect me against you?

Perhaps I can give you a more graphic illustration of what I'm trying to do to

help you. Will you have Private Paparelli come in here, please?

I'm sure you're all familiar with Private Paparelli, a beloved member of

platoon who only the other day met with an unfortunate automobile accident. But

fortunately, he had the foresight to take out a policy with Philco of Baxter.

May I have the check, please?

Policyholder 19 -304, I'm very proud to present you this check for $50 as

compensation for your injury.

But, Sarge, I just took this policy out a half hour ago. Yes, my dear boy, you

didn't read the small print, but we have a retroactive clause which clearly

states that you get paid for any accident that occurs ten days before you

out the policy. All right, gentlemen, sign right up here in the blanks. No, no

high -pressure tactics.

Let them figure them out for themselves.

Nobody bought anything, Sarge. They will, they will. Give him paparazzi.

check was a master stroker. Here's what I... Sarge, I want to thank you for the

check. Thanks are not necessary, as your insurance now is my duty to see that

you are protected.

I don't know what to say. You are secure of the knowledge that you have just

paid up for two and a half years of accident premium. I want to congratulate

you.

Now you go ahead.

Now what?

I want you to have these mimeographs and paste them on all the voting boards.

Memo from Colonel John Hall to all platoons. Subject, combat obstacle

What's that all about?

It's a little business. What do you mean, what's it all about? Questions,

questions. What are you, the district attorney? Did I ever make a wrong move?

Move! Do it!

Oh, good shot, Spencer.

Hi, Sarge. Hello, Rock. What do you got there? The KP duty roster?

No, Sarge. Bad news. Did you hear that? Bad news again.

Oh,

it's another memo from the colonel. Look at that.

Oh, no.

He's ordering us to run the combat obstacle course.

so excited. A little refresher will do you good. You've been over that obstacle

course before. Is it so terrible? Yeah.

It was tough enough when we were kids. Now it can be faked.

If we please all of you, you'll have a sprain or a couple of fractures. I

guarantee you, 60 % of you will come out of it okay.

Hey, Sarge, it's a good thing nobody took out your accident insurance policy.

You'd have been busted by now.

Well,

you've seen the orders.

Assemble on the drill field, 9 o 'clock and full field time. Wait a minute,

Sarge. About that accident insurance. I want to take out. Yeah, me too.

What insurance?

Oh, come on, Sarge. Don't play dumb. Yeah, you were anxious enough to sell it

yesterday. Yeah, yeah. You like it? You like these vultures?

They know that by tomorrow night I'd have to pay out five or six hundred

in claims, huh?

Is this nice? Taking advantage of me this way? Come on, Sarge. We're in a

Don't make us report you to the Better Business Bureau.

I'm sorry, Sarge. I'm on the side of fair play.

All right. Get your money out, Rocco. We'll take care of you. I'll be ruined.

Ruined? Yeah, Rocco. No.

No checks.

Cash.

You like the way the dear little sheep bit at the bait?

How much we take it? $180, sir. Not bad for a day's work, and believe me, it'll

get better. Oh, Rocco, about that obstacle course.

Mimeograph a second set of orders, canceling the first set of...

What is it? One man didn't sign up for the palatine? That's right, Sarge.

Gunther, the new man. He's the only one.

Oh, look, poor souls. They have to learn the hard way, huh?

Did you put the hole in the door? Look.

Splendid. Splendid.

Gunther! Look at that, if your beloved Sarge wants to hear it.

Gunther!

Looks just like a bullet hole.

I hate to use this gimmick, but when they forced me to throw in the... Want

see me, Sarge? Come in, son. You're new here. It's about time. We had a heart

-to -heart talk.

Sarge, I don't think I need any accident insurance.

That's where you're wrong. I can give you ten reasons why you should have

What are you doing, Rocco? Just cleaning my rifle, Sarge. Good boy, but don't

disturb us. Now, where was I? Trying to do me out of my last 20 bucks.

Now, look. I couldn't give you the policy this cheap if it wasn't in the

plan. You see, the fact that a lot of...

Rocco, now what are you doing?

It's not loaded, Sarge. I know, but be careful.

Sarge, look, I'm careful. I'm healthy. I really don't need any insurance. You're

wrong. Accidents don't discern between careful or healthy people.

Accidents can happen. Rocco, will you please? Oh, I'm sorry.

Sarge, look, some other time. I got things to do.

All right. I tried.

Good luck, kids.

Rocco! What did you do?

What, I'd miss you by a half an inch? A half an inch closer? You would have been

a dead duck.

Accidents can happen.

Well, back to work.

I'll have your policy in 20 minutes. Run along, son.

You all right?

I would have been hit in the head with... They make a lot of money.

Love the Colonel, huh?

Well, there he is, my roving insurance agent.

How did you do with the wax? Not bad, Sarge. Three wax went for the health

insurance deal. Good. Did you collect?

Billy and Edna paid. I'm going to collect from Sally right now. I'll go

with you. Give them confidence to meet the president. Good. Rocco, mind the

stall.

Hi, Sally.

I'm Rocco Henshaw. I have the money for the premium right here. Fine.

And here's your receipt.

Oh, incidentally, have you met Sergeant Ernest Vilco? He's the president and

founder of Vilco Baxter.

Hello, Sergeant Bilko. Oh, that, what's that, Sergeant Bilko? You call me Ernie.

You find that we at Bilko Baxter are much more informal than that. We're not

of those companies with an anti -machine for a heart.

Congratulations on taking the policy. And may I say, I hope you never have to

collect on your health plan insurance.

On the contrary, I'm looking forward to it.

You look, what?

A multiple maternity clause. You see, I hope to get married someday and have

lots of children.

Maybe your policy will bring me luck.

Isn't that sweet? Yes, baby, we will. You know, if you get twins, we'll give

$300. There's nothing like looking forward to the future.

But... Excuse me. Is this you?

Oh, that's sweet. Who are your friends?

They're my sisters.

Ah, there is a remarkable resemblance there, isn't there? There should be.

triplets. Aha!

And that...

is one of triplets, too. So you see, that's why I wanted to get... Yes, I

Yes. Splendid.

Did you hear what your friend did? Did you hear what he did?

Sells a policy to a triplet?

Sarge, look, honest, I didn't see the picture. How could you miss it? It was

standing right in front of you. Have you forgotten the multiple maternity

benefits?

But look, Ernie, will you relax, please?

She's not married, she's not going with anybody, and the policy's only good for

a year.

Then you should be more careful.

Get me Doberman.

Doberman! We've got to make out a policy. We've made a deal. We've got to

through with it. You know why I'm so anxious?

This is our chance for the big money. I don't want to blow it. It's like getting

up in the World Series and hitting into a triple play.

Who? Doberman. Oh, do me a favor, will you, Wally?

Get this over to a whack named Sally Fisher at the administration building.

jeez, Sarge. I'm expecting a visitor any minute. I'll see that they wait till

you get back. Move it. On the double. Hey!

Move it!

How much you got, Mattel?

Over $800.

Not bad for a week's working, which is starting to fit.

Gets you a nice feeling, doesn't it? Three buddies in a smart move together.

Gets you a warm feeling. By the way, I don't think I saw your name down for a

policy.

Like losing your stripes?

Come in.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Private Gunther. Oh, he'll be back any minute

Who are you? I'm his twin brother, Pete.

Do you hear that? Twin brothers.

Yeah, they call us Pete and Repeat.

Hey, that's kind of cute. Why don't you wait for them in the barracks? You'll be

more comfortable.

Make yourself at home.

It's amazing how much they look alike.

I just sent Wally over to meet Charlie. So what?

So what?

Twin triplets? It's like introducing Nigel to Glycerin.

Suppose they meet and fall in love and get married, huh?

Huh? Twin triplets? Three plus two?

Take it out, quintuplets. It cost me $10 ,000.

I've got to stop them before they can meet each other at noon.

I'm glad I brought this over, Sally.

I'm glad, too, Wally.

I'm glad you're glad, Sally.

Oh, it's too late. Oh, Sally! I see you have your policy, isn't it? Well, thank

you, Gunther, for bringing it over. Now, we have... Sally.

Oh, Gunther, look. I... Sally.

I don't want them to be alone for a minute. You watch them every minute, you

understand? Now get them out of here. We have a busy day. Everybody back to

work. Here we go.

I'll call you later, Sally.

Don't forget, Polly.

Look, Sally, you're not going to fall for one of these army romances. It's

that you're lonesome, you're away from home, and what you think is romance is

just homesick. And, Sally, triplets.

Come in, please. Over.

Bird dog, this is Red Devil. I read you loud and clear.

It's Hench, Ernie.

Hench, this is Bilko. Go ahead.

They're in the Roseville movie house, Sarge. I'll stand by.

Over. I got you. Over and out.

Hench?

Sarge?

Would you mind?

Just move over one.

Please.

Would you mind? I'm trying to see the picture. Just a little separation.

Wally! Hi, Sally.

Hello, Sergeant.

Would you like a little popcorn, kid? No, no thanks. I got plenty.

I got plenty.

Okay.

I fortunately found a seat down front. I can't see too far back.

Well, just clean my glasses and... We'll have a jolly time. Oh!

I dropped my glasses. Would you help me find them? I'm helpless without my

glasses. Maybe they're under your seat. Do you mind wanting? Just look around.

I'd appreciate it.

Maybe they're open. Ah, I got them. Thanks. Here they are. I got them.

under your seat. Thanks very much. Sergeant, you're in my seat.

Your seat?

Yeah. But you got a reservation.

No. What's your rank, soldier?

Private. What is that?

Sergeant.

Watch the picture.

Red Devil, this is Bird Dog. They just went into Roseville Park.

Over.

is a beautiful night, isn't it, Sally?

Any night's beautiful as long as we're together.

Where is that little rascal?

Where... I'll get... Oh, excuse me. You see, I... Sally, Wally! I didn't know

that was you. I've been chasing this cab since midnight and more so. Very rare,

you know. Well, good luck, Velko. Yes, and I'll get that... Oh, there it is.

would you mind picking up the net for me? Thank you. That's a good fellow.

I've been running after that.

You don't mind if I sit down a minute, do you?

Lovely night, isn't it? Yeah, wasn't it? Well, look, will you excuse us, Bilko?

We're going to walk around a little. Oh, sure. Come on, Sally. There he is!

Where? I don't see him. He's following you. Don't look around. I'll get him.

Where is he?

Where is Pencho? He was supposed to report in. Listen, Sarge, why don't you

leave the kids alone? They're in love.

In love? I'm in love, too. I'm in love with my money, and I know I'm a loser.

There he is. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching Gunther.

He's asleep, sir.

Are you sure? Are you sure he didn't sneak out?

Well, come on, see for yourself.

See, there he is. Yeah, look at him, smiling in his sleep. I don't like it. I

don't like it. What, what? He must be dreaming about her.

All right, but I want him watched day and night. Especially night.

Tell you what, put him on guard duty for the whole week. But that's rough,

Ernie. The only chance we've got is to keep him apart, or otherwise I'll be

ruined. You, you, it's a triplets.

Good boy. Got everything in sight.

This is the day to remember, Rock.

Hot water in the latrice. You're counting, eh?

you ever thought of? You know we got over $1 ,200 in the treasury?

Say it again.

Over $1 ,200 in the treasury. Music. Beautiful music.

They went over to the PX right after lunch. Oh, no. They're getting to be

trouble than Romeo and Juliet. So what if they went over to PX? So what?

You forget the PX has a jewelry store. The jewelry store has engagement rings,

wedding rings, paving rings.

You better think of something.

Don, I'm going to go all out this time. All out. I've been too nice to these

kids. They're really going to get it now.

That's right, Sarge. They got a lot of nerve putting their happiness ahead of

your greed.

Are you going to resign in your executive position with the fame?

No, Sarge. Keep a civil time in your mouth.

Take a letter. When I get through with Sally, I'm going to make her the most

popular girl on every amount of posts.

She's going to be too busy to go out with Wally. Sally popular? Yes, just

letter. Write down, uh, my dearest darling, I have silently adored you for

years. I can't keep this to myself anymore.

It's time you knew I want you, and I'm yours for the asking.

adoringly yours, and Simon Sally.

Who should I send this to?

Everybody.

Olin and Gomez?

Doberman, too. Yes, everybody.

When I get through it, she's going to feel like Kim Novak. With this pack

she's going to feel like Clyde Beattie. No jokes.

I got your notes, Sally.

What a lovely, delicate hand you have, my dear. I thought you'd like this book.

I'm okay for the fairest of all.

I'm sorry, I missed you.

your mind, kid. You wanted to talk to me? What is it? I don't know, Sarge. I

finally find a girl I like, and now it seems like every guy on the post is

her. Well, kid, you gotta face it. With a girl like Sally, who's so attractive,

she's bound to be popular. I know, but why all of a sudden?

You can't figure women out. I've tried. You just can't. Why don't you go off the

post for a few weeks and get a different viewpoint on it?

Suppose I arrange two weeks leave for you. How about that? Two weeks leave?

Yeah. Say, that might be the best thing.

Thanks, Sarge.

Hey, that's real nice of you. Take nothing of it, kid. Glad to do it.

Good luck to you, kid.

By the time he gets back, their romance will be colder than a Kansas winter.

Don't give me the bruises. Don't get me with the Italian eyes.

I'm doing this for us. It's the insurance business for them. Now, let's

to business.

Bernie, wake up. Wake up.

Sarge, wake up. What is it? He's gone. He's gone.

Who's gone? Gunster.

Jerk, I got him asleep.

Now, get out of here. Let me see. You don't understand, Sarge. Sally's gone,

too. They've eloped.

For the MPs, they're able.

MPs are!

For the FBI, they're thieves. They're running away with my money.

He's a twin. Still a little up to sell off.

Sarge, will you calm down, please? There's nothing you can do about it. And

worrying, Sarge. Even if they do get married, it don't mean they're going to

have kids right away. That's right. And the policy's only good for a year.

That's right.

We're still in the insurance business. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. You had

this all figured out? Yeah. Why'd you wake me?

Why did you wake me?

How's the lovely bride?

Just fine, thank you. And where's the lucky groom?

He's out shopping. He'll be back in a moment. Isn't that sweet? Won't you sit

down? Thank you, thank you. Ah, there they are.

I think it's great, you kids getting married, settling down in a little home,

getting to know each other, and I suppose in a little while raise a

We'll say in about three or four years.

Of course, give yourself every chance for happiness.

It's not my opinion. The ladies' home journal will tell you that. Give

every chance. There he is.

Oh, that sweet makes you feel warm all over. Here's the stuff you wanted,

Pickles and ice cream.

The odds are with us. Listen, Ernie, we got over $1 ,500 in her treasury. Now,

even if she has twins, we're still in good shape. Sure, twins are only $300.

That'll still leave us over $1 ,000. Yeah, over $1 ,000. That's not bad.

No. Heather?

Yes, yes, that's me.

Oh, congratulations, soldier. Your wife is doing just fine. How many? How many?

Well, go see for yourself.

Miss, is that the Gunther baby?

This one?