Original subtitles

You got that carburetor adjusted yet? Sarge, I'm in trouble. The fuel line's

clogged up. Oh, what do you see? Let me look at this.

Oh, and your points are dirty.

All you had to do...

Christy, David, hurry up. Fifty years in the motor pool, I finally did it. What

happened, Sarge? I got grease on my hand.

Is that all? Is that all?

You know, I'll be rolling up my sleeve, and then what am I?

Another hairy arm in the crowd.

It was just an accident, Ernie. Oh, no, Hans.

Let's face it, it was no accident. I was working again.

Listen, Sarge, it can happen to anybody. We'll all be working so hard, nobody

knows what they're doing. Can anybody help me with this distributor head? I

can't. Here, I'll fix it.

Get that out of here. Did you see that? I did it again. Oh, that settles it.

I've got to do something about this. What's that, Sarge? I've got to get off

post till this thing blows over. You mean your annual vacation, Sarge? I hope

it's not too late.

Another vacation? You had six annual vacations this year already.

Hey, Sarge, I didn't know you were in the Army. I thought you were just

visiting. Yeah.

I was so concerned.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

You ain't due for another leave for at least three years.

The colonel would never let you go.

That's not my problem. My problem is the colonel will never let me stay.

What do you mean?

Look, if we work this right, in three days the colonel will need a vacation.

Yeah, but he'll be gone and you'll still be here. Oh, use your head, Hench.

Would the colonel leave me on the post alone?

What you get, this is the perfect double play. C -B -B.

C -B -B?

Colonel to Bilko to Bermuda.

That's it, baby. Don't be ashamed. That's genius.

Mr. Colonel Seaton. Yes, Sarge, it's all finished.

Oh, no, you've got it wrong. It's just being started.

Sarge, we just... Don't just me. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to

install a double supercharged carburetor. Then give me a twin dynamic

and fill the gas tank with high -octane gas. The colonel wants that done to his

jeep. I want it done to his jeep.

to talk to us when he's calling for us. All right. Here she is, sir. All set.

There we go.

Good. And right on time. I guess the only place I can trust you is in the

pool. Well, sir, when you like what you're doing, it ceases to be work.

Did you get that sluggishness out of it, Delta? I think we did the best we

could, sir. I think you'll find her as snappy as a new recruit.

Good. I hate to do it.

Wow. Look at him go.

He just passed the PX.

In ten seconds, he ought to be an orphan.

It's not the gun.

Did you see it, sir? Wasn't it exciting?

Did I see what? The rocket, sir. Exactly.

1202. The Fort Blacks of Rocket Cup launched its first guided missile. Oh,

was thrilling, sir. As it swished through the night and it zoomed above.

Climbing, climbing, climbing. I shoot it off in front of my bedroom.

Oh, sir. Your barbecue pit was the perfect launching site. Oh, sir. Look.

into the milky way. You can still see its tail.

Climbing, climbing, climbing.

Oh, darling. This is embarrassing.

Well, if it takes a thousand launches, we'll get it up, sir. Back to the

board, boys.

Here we go. Forget the rocket club. From now on, outer space is off limits.

This is a dark day for science. It is not day. It is night, and I need sleep.

Yes, sir. Now get that barber cupid cleaned up and get back to your

Yes, sir.

Rockets. Rockets. What other crazy thing is he going to think of?

Hey, Sarge, any word from the colonel? I mean about last night's rocket launch.

Don't worry. I think we're getting through to him.

Everything's all set down at the wreck hall, Sarge. Splendid, gentlemen. The

final phase of Operation Vacation is about to begin. Meet me at the wreck

Bring the custom. You've got the nice record.

Would you like some more milk before I put out the lights, dear? No, thanks.

I'll have no trouble sleeping tonight.

And don't worry. There won't be a repetition of last night's rocket

I certainly did, and I think it did some good. Last I heard, he's finally

putting some of his energy to good use.

He's rehearsing a play at the rec hall.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

What play is it?

Charlie's Aunt.

A fellow to keep him quiet.

Good night, Nell.

Good night, dear.

That sounds like the MPs.

Can a person get one night's sleep here?

What's the meaning of this? I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but we caught a woman

in the rec hall running a craft gang. A woman on my post?

Bring her in, Ed.

You beast.

Sir,

it's all a mistake. We were merely rehearsing Charlie's Ants. You know, the

gambling thing in the second act.

There isn't any gambling scene in Charlie's Ants. Well, there is now, sir.

took the liberty of doing a little rewriting.

It was all in the pursuit of art, sir.

Did we make a mistake, sir? No, I made the mistake ten years ago in

for this post.

Get him back to his barracks. But, sir, I'm $10. I mean it. Get him out of here.

Young man, will you drive me to my barracks?

Sure.

Pulse and blood pressure are fine, sir. This seems to be a case of jangled

nerves. Jangled? Well, they're stretched out like violin strings, and Bilko's

playing on them 24 hours a day.

Bilko, huh? I should have recognized the symptoms.

Tell me, Captain, with all the advances in medical science, why don't they find

something to stop Bilko?

away from Bilko for a while. Why not take a two -week leave?

Yeah, that's it.

No, I couldn't.

With me gone, Bilko would probably put up a movie screen on the drill field and

turn the whole post into a drive -in theater.

Why not give Bilko and the whole platoon leave at the same time?

The whole platoon?

That's a wonderful idea.

With the platoon gone, Bilko wouldn't have anybody to take advantage of. You

could relax.

Yes.

Two weeks away from Bilko.

Look at that. My nerves are happier already.

Two weeks away from Belka.

The whole platoon?

That's what the orders say, Ernie. Starting Saturday, the whole platoon

a two -week leave. Ain't that great? Now we can all go. Thinking of yourself

again, huh? Selfish. If the whole platoon goes away on leave, who's going

left to finance my trip?

That's right. They'll be using their money for their own vacation.

I'll make it possible for him to go away.

Go. Be a nice guy, huh? I guess we'll have to spend our vacation right here in

Roseville, then. Or else we're going to... Wait a minute.

Well, they're still Dimmeldorf's Lodge.

Dimmeldorf's Lodge? Oh, not again. What's wrong with Dimmeldorf's Lodge? We

a good time up there last year. It's in the mountains. It's cool. And I

understand they put in a new two -hole golf course.

Dine, dine. Here, dine quickly.

Ernie Bilko? Sure, I remember. My favorite social director.

This year?

I'm sorry, Ernie. I don't need social directors. I need customers.

Your business is terrible.

How do you like this?

Even Dimmeldorf's pooped out.

I'm sorry to hear business is so bad, Mr. Dimmeldorf. Hey, Sarge, will you

up with the phone, please? Will you, please? I'm talking long distance. Me,

I've got to make my reservations. I'm taking my wife to Atlantic City. Use the

phone on the PX. Come on. Okay. Oh, boy. Two weeks in Atlantic City.

Wait a minute. Just a minute.

Benjamin and his wife, the rest of the platoon.

Mr. Dimmeldorf, what will it be worth to you if I fill your cabins for the next

two weeks?

It would?

All right, pal. Start sweeping out your cabins. We'll be up there this Saturday.

Hey, Sarge, did Dimmeldorf go for it? All the way. All I got to do is

him 20 customers and we get a cabin to ourselves free.

But Ernie, everybody has different plans. They might not want to go to

Dimmeldorf. Please, I'm the dealer.

When I want a house full, I deal a full house. Come on.

Two weeks. I can't get over it. A two -week leave. Yeah, this is the first one

I'm going to have off the post. Thanks to Bilko, every time I had to leave, my

money left before me. Yeah, but this time we go. Bilko stays.

What do you mean, Bilko stays?

Hey, Bilko's broke.

He can't go anyplace.

I hope these trumps aren't too daring.

They're short shorts.

Where are you going, Fleissman? Paradise. Paradise?

Anyplace, milk away.

There they are, my happy band of warriors about to leave their life of

discipline for two weeks of gaiety. You can care a chatter, Sarge. We're not

giving you any money. Who cares about money? Just the thought that my boys are

out there somewhere having fun. Fun, that's all I have to know. I ask you one

thing. Send me an occasional postcard. Give me a stamp.

plans for your vacation, a few places have been declared off -limits.

You're screaming at me.

I don't make the rules. The army makes the rules. You got that off -limits

Right here. Here it is. The following places are off -limits.

Pigalle. Pigalle. Where's that? Ain't that in Paris?

Yes, it is in Paris. Hey, I remember that place. I was there.

Oh, talk about nightlife. I was walking down the street, see, and this French

girl walks over to me. Hold that, Zimmerman.

May I remind you the French are our allies?

I'm not going to say anything unfriendly. See that you don't.

place is off -limits. Pigalle.

Nobody's gone to Paris. Good enough for me just that you obey the rules. The

next place they have down is the Casbah.

Algiers, North Africa. Algiers? I don't have to tell you boys what goes down

there. Those smoky -filled dens.

Those exotic men with the bales with the long, tight bloomers with the... Sorry

to see you there.

The army doesn't want them to go there.

Nobody's gone any of these places.

Good enough for me just to see that you don't. And remember, the following

places are off limits.

The Gale, the Casbah, and Dimmeldorf's Lodge. Put this out.

Sarge, where is that?

Where is it, Rocco? Well, you find left at the gate and take Route 29. Switch

off to the Jefferson Parkway and you get off at exit 32.

Thank you. What was on there, Sarge? Who knows? They've been raided so many

times, they keep changing their program.

This place has a rep... Oh, I see it.

I see your little mind chugging, Paparelli. You're saying to yourself,

can't afford to go to Paris. Maybe I can't afford to go to the Casbah. But

going to stop me from going to Dimmeldorf's Lodge? Sarge! Oh, you old

Come on, let's do this. We'll have an abandoned cafe for two weeks.

But you, you have a reputation to uphold. Sarge, I was just saying that

Just a minute. For me.

Take this following oath with me. Raise your right hand.

Raise your right hand.

I solemnly swear not to go to Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave.

I solemnly swear not to go to Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave. No

I may be tempted.

No matter how much I may be tempted.

All right. Have a good time on your vacation.

Have a good time.

That's ten we got, right? We need more.

How about Fender and his wife? That's two more.

How about Fender and his wife and his kids? That's eight miles.

Here they come.

Here comes Fender. Look alive, everybody.

Fender, buddy boy, how are you? What is it, Sarge? I've got to get packed for

Atlantic City. You're going to wear this on the boardwalk? Oh, stunning,

stunning. Boy, what a vacation.

Just me and my wife in Atlantic City.

Sort of a second honey. Uh -huh. You know, the first one I didn't enjoy too

much.

Wisecrack.

Well, just you and Harry out of a camp. I guess you sent the kids away to camp?

Oh, no. They're going to stay at home with their grandmother in Brooklyn.

Smart, smart. Then just you and Harry out of a ball. Right. Say, I haven't

a picture of your kids in some time. Have you got one on you? I always carry

them. Proud father.

Well, Al, Aron, they are dork. Can you see that, Doc?

Did you ever see... Don't come on my leg. Are you kidding? You cut this out

motion picture magazine.

These are William Holden's children.

No, sir. They're mine and Hattie's. No, fool. That's my oldest, Raoul.

There's Olivia, Bentley, Claude, Cynthia.

And that's the baby, Ted.

It's easy to see who they resemble.

Oh, son of a... Send.

I got a crazy idea.

What is it? It might be fun.

Why don't you let me take the kids with me on my vacation?

You want to take my kids on your vacation? Yes. Why?

Oh, I don't know. Kids, they make you feel young.

Well, I don't know. Oh, what about it, Fender?

Okay, if that's what you want. But you've got to pay for everything they

Then I can take the kids with me? You've got to. This is cereal boxes, Ernie,

with a beautiful child at me playing.

Not now, Henshaw. Not now!

Then I can take the kids with me on my vacation. Wait a minute.

What beautiful child contest. Oh, nothing.

You with your big mouth.

Look, these kids will come with me. Wait a minute. What about this contest?

All right, I'll level with you.

Every year, the Puffy Fluffy Cereal Company runs a most beautiful child

up at Dimmeldorf's Lodge. The first prize is $10 ,000.

And you were going to take my beautiful children to Dimmeldorf's Lodge and enter

them as yours?

Well, I was just being greedy. I'll admit, I was going to exploit your

Why do I do these things? It's a sickness.

It's just like you.

Cashing in on my kids.

How long can you get? Sam, I was going to split it with you.

Oh, gee.

Now, what's the token amount? Eighteen. We need two more.

Take a wife.

Colonel John T. Hall, Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Ernie, not the colonel. Why not the colonel? Why? He's got to go on

doesn't he? It's lovely up at Dimmelgau's Lodge. He'll enjoy himself.

he likes is up there. Swimming, tennis, fishing.

He'll have the time of his life. You're going to make him go with a telegram?

As newly appointed district commander...

I am calling a two -week staff meeting of all my officers up at my lodge at

Chipmunk Falls.

And sign that, General Dimmeldorf. Sign.

You try.

John,

you haven't stopped singing since you decided to go on leave. I know, it's

getting away from Bilko that does it. Give me two weeks away from Bilko and

turn into Pat Boone.

Why did you decide not to go to Old Point Comfort? We've been going there

years. And Bilko knows it. I don't want to run any chances of meeting him. You

know what the doctor said.

How did you ever find the place we're going to?

Well, I looked through the ads in the newspapers to find the most obscure, out

-of -the -way place I could find.

And there it was, on the back page, in the tiny little ad.

Dimmeldorf's Lodge.

I never heard of it before.

Well, that's the beauty of it. Nobody else has.

Oh, don't you mention it to a soul until we're safely up in Chipmunk Falls. Now,

you know I never would. Just a precaution. Well, I'll go and pack.

Dating tonight.

Coming. Dating tonight.

Oh, Sergeant Vilco. Good evening, Mrs. Hall.

Oh, fellows, darn it, we're too late. Mrs. Hall is back from our vacation.

Have you ever seen such a lovely complexion in your life? Sergeant Vilco,

haven't even left yet. You haven't? Then it's not too late for us to offer you

this bon voyage gift as a token of our affection.

Well, Sergeant Vilco, isn't that sweet of you? I must apologize for the

They don't have your lovely glow.

in your vacation plans. I know whenever I plan to go on a vacation, I always get

one of those last -minute nasty telegrams.

The colonel didn't get a telegram, did he?

Oh, thank goodness, no.

Did you send it? Did you send it?

Oh, I see. I hope you have some snugglies. It gets very cold up there in

Point Comfort. Oh, we're not going there this year. We're going to Dimmeldorf's

Lodge. Dimmeldorf?

Oh, I want to go to Dimmeldorf's Lodge. Oh, my lips are sealed.

Cancel the telegram immediately.

Oh, I'll get that.

What is an union? It's right down the street. You'll find it.

Restaurant unions, soliciting funds. They know how generous the payroll can

Why doesn't somebody answer the bell? What are you doing here, Bilko? I was

answering the door, sir. Oh, I'll get this. I have some change, sir. Yes, yes,

my man. There you are.

Oh, dear, I hope it isn't bad news. I'll take that telegram, Bilko. Good

heavens, there's a mistake here. This is addressed to Captain John Ball. Let me

see. Please explain. There's a nose down your face. Can't you read me?

Captain John Ball, Paul Dixon, Jason. Are you happy by sitting here? Are you

angry?

Have a good vacation, sir. You too. Have a good time.

Good fun. Good fun, you kids.

How did he pick Dumbledore's lies?

Why don't you open the travel bureau? Let's go.

Can't you go any faster? Step on it. The placement's catching up. Look, fellas,

I'm going 70 now.

Hey, you think them of those lads will be any good? It's off limits, ain't it?

That means anything.

Step on it, I guess.

Over here, over there.

Patty.

Bentley, sit back. Your father is babbling. Play ghost.

with your brothers and sisters. I'd like to know. I really would, sir. Why are

we going to Timberjacks?

Barely. Why aren't we going to Atlantic City? Why, sir? I told you a thousand

times. We've got six beautiful children. We're going to win thousands of

dollars. I want ice cream, Paul. Yes, yes, yes.

No, no.

I told you no ice cream until after the contest.

You've got to watch your figure.

Hey, Ant, you're going too fast. You're starting to catch up with him. Hey, we

sure got a nice turnout, aren't we? You know, I don't know whether to ask

Dimmeldorf for a cabin or a full partnership.

He finds out it's a respectable place. And Bender finds out there's no

child contact. Yeah, and the colonel finds out he's got to spend a vacation

you. Oh, it'll charm for a little while. Then we'll all have a good laugh. And

then it's doing some fun in the sun.

Hey, Dimmeldorf!

I wonder if everybody's going to Dimmeldorf Lodge.

I hardly think so.

I hope it's a nice place.

It's got to be. It has one of the greatest attractions in the world there.

No bill, though.

Everybody up for your first glorious day at Dimmeldorf Lodge. There will be

volleyball, softball, swimming, and chachala.

Pardon me, Mr. Demildorf. When is the Beautiful Child Contest? Where do we

up our kids? What Beautiful Child Contest? See, I told you there was no

I told you I wanted to go to Atlantic City. No good. All right.

No contest.

You know, the Beautiful Child Contest, the $10 ,000 one, the one that you have

here every year for puffy, fluffy cereal. There's no Beautiful Child

told you there was no Beautiful Child Contest. I've got to go to Atlantic City

and know you how to come here.

Don't tell me to go inside now that you've defeated Nature Boy.

We have a potato race for the kiddies on Saturday. The first prize is a

lollipop. Potato race? Hurry up, you'll be late for breakfast.

Up, everybody.

Up, Mr.

Dimmeldorf. Hey, what a great day, eh? I don't mind getting up early to have

breakfast with beautiful girls.

Apparelli, Zipfender, what are you doing here? I'm here with my wife and kids.

This is no place for your wife and kids. It's off limits.

I have a very nice clientele. I even have an army colonel staying in the next

cottage. Colonel?

See you.

Oh, Pepperelli, just step aside there a little.

And, uh, Fender, you're blocking... Oh,

where am I?

What are you men doing here? I came across at Bilko. So did we. A fine man

Bilko. He told me he was bringing all his friends here.

I might have known. He sent me, too.

Oh, no, he didn't, dear.

You picked this place yourself right out of the newspaper. I thought I picked

it, but it was Bilko's idea.

He's finally done it, Nell.

He's controlling my thought.

By the way, Colonel, I took the liberty of putting Bilko at your table so you

can all be together. You mean Bilko's here?

You bet he's my personal guest for the next two weeks.

Everybody up.

Up, up, up.

That's why he wanted us up here, so he could get a free vacation. Well, this is

the last one he's going to get out of me. I'm getting out of here. Me too.

I'm going to Atlantic City. Let's check out there. Just a minute, man.

Yes, sir.

This looks like a nice place.

There's no reason why you couldn't all have a good time here. Not with Sergeant

Bilko around, sir. I think I can arrange for Bilko not to be around.

You can? How, sir? Never mind. You go have your breakfast. Leave everything to

me. Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Are you going to order Sergeant Bilko back to the post, John?

No. He'd find a way to get out of that.

Now, I'm going to think like Bilko. You don't live with a magician for ten years

without learning a few tricks.

What are you going to do, John?

I'm going to send myself a wire.

And when Bilko gets it, he'll scoot right back to the post.

Well, how will Sergeant Bilko get your telegram?

Now, Bilko always gets my telegrams before I do.

To Colonel John T. Hall.

We at MGM Studios have decided to use Fort Baxter for our

latest production, The Princess Takes a Rookie. The Army has assured us it's

full of cooperation.

We will require scenes in the mess hall, on the rifle range, in the motor pool,

etc., etc.

Naturally, we would like to get as many shots of the men actually on the job as

possible. We would like to start shooting tomorrow morning. Tomorrow

I'd like this MGM at four backs of my big break. I'm stuck here at

Lodge. Any answer, Colonel Hall? Who?

Colonel Hall.

Colonel... Why, I'm Captain Ball. I thought you... How did you learn to

enunciate, young man? Here, deliver this. Do you know where I can find

Hall? Yes, I think he's out in the woods taking a hike, climbing. He's a very

big tipper. Run, run.

Yeah, but Ernie, wait. We just started our vacation here.

What do you want, a suntan or a seven -year contract at MGM?

Listen to me. I know what I'm doing.

Pastanak, we're coming.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.