Original subtitles

This is now 11 a .m. Here are the details for this afternoon.

Company B will report to the rifle range.

Company A will assemble on the drill field at 1300 in full field time.

Company C will police the area around the administration building. That is

Yeah! Hey, where is that fire?

Is this here to come to me, folks?

Say, come on over, fellas. Come on over and get some.

What is it, a fire drill? Hey, whoa, whoa, boy. I didn't mean to stampede

critters. Who are you?

Montana Morgan's my handle. I'm the new replacement.

That's not a mouth. That's a megaphone. Yeah, what is this?

I'm Dwight Doberman. Why, howdy, folks. I'm right glad to meet up with you. And

that's Zimmerman.

Don't stand there. Get me a gun. Hey, which one of you boys is Dr. Bilko?

He's a man.

Oh, thanks. I got a report.

Hey, Bilko, it's me, Montana.

Come on out and talk for a spell.

Yahoo!

What's going on? I didn't know.

I'm right. Ridley.

How much do I owe? He's a new replacement.

His name is Morgan.

Morgan?

What's the idea of that getup, Morgan? Oh, sure. Call me Montana.

Everybody else does.

I just come off one of them leaves my G .I. does over there in my saddlebag.

Hey, which one of them bugs is mine?

Zimmy, put him in the bunk next to Paparelli. Oh, thanks, George. Which one

it, Zimmy? Put me down. I want to fly to Goodyear for him.

Sarge, Sarge, please, not next to me. I'll get a concussion just from the

Please, don't panic. Let me handle these things. Put him in the bunk next to

Doberman. Oh, you'll like that. It's like sleeping in the old corral.

Oh, that'll be fine, George. Just so long as I have a place to tag up a

of my idol, Hoot Gibson.

I get him, don't I?

Doberman!

Oh, Sarge, that voice. Get rid of him today, please.

Sarge, this is the Army, not a rodeo.

That's going to be a lot of trouble.

What do you want from me? It's elective service. Relax. He's a big kid. Give him

a few days to get adjusted. All right, B -T -B. B -T -B? Back to bed.

If you ain't a bunch of lazy coyotes.

What's the matter with you boys? Don't you know Revan's going to blow any

now?

Well, it's about time.

Hey, Sarge, will you come out and call Rose so I can head on out to the chuck

wagon?

Hey, come on, Sarge. Revel in bloat.

Sarge, he ain't never come now.

Sarge, now are you convinced? This has been going on for five days. All right,

this guy's a nut. He gets up five o 'clock in the morning so he can play his

guitar. Yeah, who needs that copping around with those books? Will you relax,

Sarge? Will you look?

Look, one shoulder lower than the other from those clouds in the back.

He keeps picking me up. I got eight hours flying time.

We'll get rid of him.

I'll let him stay, Sarge. One time than me, his buddy.

That figures.

He's never had a talking horse before.

Now, wait. How do we get rid of him?

Grover and Rittig. You know how crazy they are about westerns on TV?

We'll give them a real life, cowboy. I'll have them pants and place them on

okay? What time is it? Six o 'clock. They just blew Reveille.

Reveille?

He woke us up for a ravelly? Yeah. Oh, he's got to go.

Ooh, ooh. Hey, Francis, that cowboy at the bar in the dark shirt, he's no good.

How do you know?

I remember him from Gunsmoke. He tried to shoot the sheriff in the back. Watch

it. Watch it, Marshall. He's pulling the gun. Ooh, I can't look.

It's okay, Robert. He only shot him in the shoulder. Which one, the right or

left? The left one.

Chief, four weeks in a row, the same shoulder.

Reach for the scat, partner.

Hey, what is it?

do what he says, he's got to drop on us. Hiya, boys. Is this gay?

Say hello to Montana Morgan, replacement at the motor pool. Howdy, boys.

Howdy. Hey, Francis, a real -life cowboy.

Hey, hey, real sex shooters. Oh, he sure is, partner.

He's quicker than Gene Autry. Thank you.

It's chow time.

Chow time?

Hey, Bilko, you get all the breaks. Never mind the cowboy. Look, here's what

came over to see you about.

I'm stuck, Rupert. I need 50 bucks and I need it back. Can you help me out?

Nothing to it.

How about you, Francis?

Are you kidding?

See, we can come over and Montana will show us some rope tricks. Yeah, maybe we

can teach us how to draw like that. Oh, swell. Why don't I just have them

transferred over here, huh?

Then you can have them all to yourself.

Look, never mind the cowboy. I'm telling you, I need 50 bucks. I'd do anything

for 50 bucks.

Anything? You hide me.

Say, if you transfer the cardboard of my outfit, I'll give you the 50 bucks free

and clear.

Rupert Ritz, how dare you?

Haven't you even got a shred of human decency left?

Do you think that those sergeant stripes entitled you to trade human beings on a

trading block? May I remind you, this is not ancient Rome. This is free America

in the 20th century. And civilized people don't sell flesh and blood for

Well, make it 75.

It's a deal. I'll transfer it.

Good boy.

The peasant's restless out there?

Everything's fine in there.

Nice and quiet since that cowboy left, huh? Sure is. The only one disappointed

is Doberman. Yeah, Montana was his hero. He'll get over it, just like he got

over King Farouk.

Did you really get $75 from Ritzy? It was a lead pipe, since I could have got

$100. But you know me, I'm not the greedy type.

He's back. The cowboy?

Yahoo! No, it's Doberman.

Doberman? Yahoo!

they're attacking?

They robbed the stagecoach? Oh, I see. It's a message from General Custer.

No, it's from CBS.

CBS?

You got that from CBS?

Yes, sir.

Thank you for the photograph of the cowboy.

Photograph? What photograph?

A picture of Montana. I think he's the handsomest cowboy I ever saw. So I sent

this picture to CBS.

You? Thank you for the... Our casting department agrees that he has

TV appeal. However...

A personal interview would be necessary before we could commit ourselves

further. Signed, Hubble Robinson, Executive Vice President in charge of

programming. What do you like?

Look at this.

Special delivery airmail. Besides, they sound interested.

Interested? When CBS spends 36 cents for postage, they're in love.

I'll move right now.

We've got to get that cowboy back from Ritzig. Then what?

Then we saddle up and head for New York.

Good boy. He said it's very good. Good thinking, Dwayne.

Really on the ball, eh, Sarge? You're not only on the ball, you're behind the

ball.

Oh, howdy, Sarge. What do you want? What kind of tone is that for you?

Where's your Western hospitality, partner?

I paid you 75 bucks. We ain't no poppers. I'm feeling mighty fine, Sarge.

good. It smells mighty good.

See, Rupert? Now, what makes you think nobody around here likes buffalo soup?

Come on now, you leave us alone.

Will you please, will you?

What's wrong with you? You don't look happy. He doesn't look good, does he,

boys? Look, if you miss the motor pool, I can come back. Oh, Sarge. Come on, you

made a deal. Now you leave us two alone.

Okay, okay, I'm going.

But before I go, let me tell you something, Rupert.

If you want to stay friends with me, don't you ever, but I mean, don't you

again, say anything against who Gibson.

What'd he say about Hood? Never mind, Montana, it's my own private life. What

are you talking about? What'd he say? I don't even want to repeat it.

Saying that Hoot Gibson rides side -sided. I suppose you didn't call Hoot a

yellow -bellied, lily -living, cowardly coyote, huh? Why, you!

Montana, it ain't worth getting upset about.

Sarge, if it's all the same to you, I'm heading on back to the motor pool before

I get myself hung for murder. Don't blame me, son.

Hey, Montana, where'd you go? Oh, shut up. You've said enough.

Here's your $75 back. Montana, wait for me. But, Bilko, eat your buffalo soup,

you... you Easter Bunny.

You wanted to see me? Harry, that cowboy from Kansas is outside with his agent.

You remember the picture?

Oh, yes.

I think he's just right for the comedy relief in our new series, Ranch House

He's perfect. He's short, fat, and funny looking. He's out of a western sad

sack.

Oh, you don't see me?

Hi, gentlemen. I know you're busy. Let's get right to it. I'm Ernestine Bilko,

Montana's personal manager.

I'm Harry Armstrong. How are you, Harry? And this is Hubble Robinson.

Good to see you, Harry. How are you, Mr. Bilko? Mr. Bilko, come now. We're all

in showbiz.

You can call me Amy. Oh, very well. And you can call me Mr. Robinson.

I like that part of being the top executive.

Cool, aloof, businesslike, keeps people from getting too familiar. Am I right?

Bill,

go about this cowboy. Hold it, pal. Don't steamroller me, pal. I'm an old

at this. Before we sign any contracts, there's a few things we've got to

Now. Script approval, dressing room, billing. Just a moment, Bilko. Look,

he who hesitates is lost. May I remind you, gentlemen, there is another net

worth. All I got to do is give Dave sound off a buzz palette.

Oh, I fight this. Look at this guy's picture. He's perfect. Look at those

magnificent shoulders. This is the man. Bilko, we've got a thousand like him in

our casting files.

Trude, trude. Trying to keep the price down, huh? No wonder they called you the

fox in the gray flannel suit.

Right here, pal. Bilko, you don't understand.

This is the cowboy we're interested in.

Oh,

you mean tax Doberman, of course.

All right, we're prepared to offer you $250 a week for his services.

$250 a week? May I remind you that's less than a dollar a pound for Doberman.

Excuse me.

Yes? Put him on.

It's Garfield about the new Western series. The first film is sensational.

asking $300 ,000 for the pilot, but I think I can beat him down.

Hello, Sid.

Yes, yes, I know you made the pilot yourself, and I put you in the driver's

seat, but a capital gain set up will leave you $200 ,000 tax -free.

All right, Sid. You win. Bring the pilot in next week.

Now then, Duke. Hold it. Hold it, Hub.

Pretty shoot, huh? Almost got a million dollar property for a lousy $250 a week,

huh? What?

I'll see you in a couple of weeks, pal, with the TV pilot film. What pilot film?

Next season's number one television show, Tales of Tech Stubborn.

Why can't they...

NBC once in a while. Why do we get all the weird...

Doberman? Why can't we shoot the pilot right here in Roseville? Doberman

the cowboy?

Why should we wait for salary? We can own the whole show and the star.

Doberman the star?

Why not? All those other cowboy stars on TV, they all look alike. They're all

stereotyped. Doberman is at least different. Oh, I'll say he's different.

Do you mind if I take Hubbell Robinson's word against yours?

Yeah, but Ernie, look, he can't act, he can't ride, he can't shoot, and he's

short. Oh, I suppose Gary Cooper is tall, huh?

Makeup! It's all makeup!

We're very little about the technical end of pictures. All right, just a

Now, where are we going to get the cameras, the lights, the film, and all

stuff? Has it occurred to you that only about a month ago, the Signal Corps shot

a picture right here in Fort Baxter? Yeah.

And they left their equipment in the shack behind the quartermaster's? Oh,

Sarge, Coogan could get in a lot of trouble if he gave us that stuff. I'm

He's got to take the same chances we'd take if he wants to be associate

producer.

You mean Coogan's going to be the associate producer?

Leave it to the old side, Jeff. I'll let you down.

Look, Bilko, I'm responsible for that equipment. And I don't leave here unless

get a requisition from the colonel.

He's shrewd. He's shrewd. He knows he's got me. He knows I've got to give in.

Okay, I promise you. On my word of honor, the credits on that picture will

Produced by J .J. Coogan.

Well, I can just see it that night at the wall of the story of the main

ballroom, packed with the television industry.

breathlessly awaiting television's most coveted award.

And as the master senator steps down in that glass and the house lights dim, he

says, ladies and gentlemen, and now, for the best new half -hour show, the

Academy of Television Arts and Sciences proudly presents this gold statue to J

.J. Coogan.

J .J.

Get lost, Bilko. I'm not getting busted to private for no imaginary status. Why

don't you relax? Good night.

Sergeant Corgan speaking.

Oh, hello, honey.

So long, Bilko. I'm busy.

Yeah, yeah, Hilda. Sure, I'll take you roller skating tonight.

You know, I'd do anything in the world for you.

Uh -huh. You just say the word and I'll do it.

Hilda, you just heard me say do anything in the world for her? So?

Show me the dame who don't want to be in the movies.

Huh? Gentlemen, a glamorous new movie star is about to be born. Well, where

we going to find her?

Hilda? But she always is. Slinging hash in Harry's diner.

Yes, the big funny men were thrilled when I told them I could drink the

in for under $50 ,000. And CBS are in the sky when I told them I will shoot

picture right here in Roseville. Wonderful.

Hello, Hilda.

Did you hear from Hollywood, E .B.? Oh, yes. Liz Taylor wants to do the picture.

Hayworth will do it for nothing, just for the opportunity. But I turned them

both down. I want someone young, someone new, someone vivacious, with a voice

that will tug at your heartstrings. When's it going to be, Bill Cole? I

You said that.

Did you say... Will you say that again, please?

Huh? No, no, what you just said.

I'll put her at her ease.

What kind of pies do you have?

We've got apple, cherry, blueberry... Would you say that slower, please?

Blazin' berry, banana, cream... That's it!

I haven't heard a voice like that since Katharine Hepburn.

Please, I won't say that in your own way. But E .B., you already promised

Randall. Debbie is out of luck. I'm the producer, and I'll make the decisions.

Oh, I expected you to fight me on this, but I ask you to be fair. Just look.

Look, I tell you, it's her.

It's her! What's going on here? A cuss!

Oh, what a great publicity stunt this will make.

Dorothy Lemore was discovered running an elevator.

Lana Turner was found in a drugstore. And now, from under a counter, Hilda

Popovsky.

I've been commissioned by CBS to shoot a picture right here in Roseville, and I

haven't as yet got the feminine lead on you.

You have scar dust all over you.

You mean it?

Yes.

You'll be on the set Friday at 9 o 'clock in the morning. Sure.

But I've got to be back here in time for the lunch hour.

Let's wait.

We'll shoot around you.

Gee, me in a movie. I can't believe it. Oh, it's only the beginning, Hilda. Just

think, your own fan club. Home in Beverly Hills. All the splendid... Uh

What's the matter, E .B.? Just remembered.

Coogan. If he doesn't release the equipment to us, we're sunk.

That's right. We're out of business. Out of business.

What about Coogan?

Don't trouble your dear little head about it, darling. This is a production

problem. You just worry about the acting.

Coogan will do anything I ask him to do.

You mean you can help us?

Sure. That fathead ain't going to hold up my career.

I'll make it up in close -ups. Come, gentlemen. There's a lot of details to

out. What should I do?

Oh, dear. Act as your diction. You know, recite the pies.

Boysenberry, banana cream, apple.

boysenberry banana cream.

That's almost finished, Sarge. Oh, it won't stay good enough. We shoot

Move it, Paperelli. Move it. Come on.

Where's Langton?

Outside the saloon. Oh, yeah.

Sheriff's still talking.

Says, Nellie, I love you. And no matter what happens, I will always love you.

What does Nellie say?

Nothing. She just stands there flicking her tail and pawing the gun.

$11 more, they're going to take all the costumes back.

$11 more? We're $28 over the budget now.

Best takes Goldman.

Montana's rehearsing them outside.

Rehearsing them?

Reach for the sky.

Okay, now, Dover, you try.

Reach. Reach.

Reach for the sky.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Now, Hubble Robinson couldn't be wrong.

All right, this is a picture you've all got you're assigned to.

Get those glasses. Get the props. Where are my actors?

Where are the actors?

Get out of your places. All right.

Now, everybody on the place. Pop Raleigh. Pop Raleigh.

Pop. Yes, sir. Did you get the horse for text open? I couldn't rent one anyway.

You couldn't rent one? But I found this in a shop in Roseville. Okay.

Take the antlers off and we'll fake it. All right?

Everybody on the ball. Are you ready for Hilda yet? Who?

Oh, Hilda. Oh, we're not quite ready for her. Please get her off the set. She'll

drive the men wild.

to wake the camera? I think so. Are you sure? With six kids, I took plenty of

whole movies. Goodbye.

A picture?

Who wants Hilda in the picture?

You sure you know how to run this thing? Is it rolling now?

Yeah. All right.

I've got to have this pilot in New York by Monday.

Try it.

Oh,

you'll love this pilot, Snowmob. It's a little shaky in

spots, but Goldman's character comes through great.

We'll see, Bilko.

Anytime you're ready, Mr. Robinson.

Ready now, Leonard.

Roll it anytime, Leonard.

Who made Billy the Kid turn tail and run?

Who shot... Johnny Ringo, just for fun, who taught Wyatt Earp how to use a gun.

Go Berman, Tex, go Berman.

this afternoon.

They say he's the fastest gun in the West.

I got a wife and six kids. Shut up and deal.

It's sort of an identification.

Well, us law -abiding citizens think that this town needs a new sheriff.

Somebody like you.

Give me a moment for service.

Yeah. Ringo, you and me.

And this town ain't big enough for the boat.

Oh, you didn't see the second reel, hub.

Hub? I mean, hench. Where did they, hench?

Draco.

Well, you tried.

You tried.

Never mind the second reel, Leonard.

all the way from Pittsburgh.

Oh, my heart bleeds for you. I want to thank you both for deserting me in the

projection room.

Miss! Miss!

Willoughby. Three coffees, please.

What happened to Hilda?

Didn't you hear?

Some guy from CBS was in here and he signed her up.

CBS? Yeah, she was just right for their new TV western series, Frontier Girl.

Hilda? Imagine that.

So, Willoughby with the coffee. We got apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry...

up, hold up. A little slower, please. Slower.

Prince Prude.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.