Original subtitles

It's a time of sweet magic when hearts beat faster and memories are born.

It's a happy time of awakening, discovery and companionship. It's a time

boy can find a whole new world gazing into the eyes of a girl.

Darling, darling.

Tell me once more.

Oh, this is a moment I've waited for all my life. It's finally happened to me.

A once in a lifetime thing.

A royal flush.

I know it. I know it.

This is a sacred moment.

Don't touch him.

I'm going to have them bronzed. Rocco, break open a new deck. I'm quitting.

got a case. Me too. Sit down, Coogan. Where are you going, Grover? You can't

quit when you're ahead.

But, Ernie, I only want 35 cents beside Evelyn is waiting.

That'll wait. It'll do her good. Sit down.

But, Ernie, a girl expects a little affection.

All right.

I'll whisper those three little words to you.

Deal the cards.

Have you seen Coogan? No. Have you seen Grover? I've been waiting an hour and a

half for that big ape. Oh, when I see him. Maybe something happened to it.

try to cheer me up.

With a tree.

Me too.

All right, gentlemen, get your bets down to four. Down to seven. Here we go.

Here we go.

Seven. Four.

Seven. Four.

Number 11, black.

All right, gentlemen, get your beds in. The house can't be lucky all night. Tell

me outside. I've got to go meet my girl. You're going to leave in the middle of

the festivities? But I'm supposed to be there at 7 .30. 7 .30, that's where my

day is for. I've got to meet my girl, too. 7 .30?

7 .30, Henshaw. It just occurs to me, 7 and 30.

Those are the only two numbers that didn't come up tonight. You remember us.

Yes, I do.

Good night, Pat Bradley. Say hello to your girl. Good night, fellas. Good

Oh, no, you don't. I've got to run. Two bucks on seven. Two bucks on 30.

Private Paparelli isn't in the day room?

Well, you try the PX. He's got to be somewhere on the post. I'd like to leave

message for Private Mullen. Just tell him Alice called and she'll never speak

him again.

Well,

thanks for that, tell him. Now, if you'll excuse me out of the home and pry

myself to sleep. Ah, this is ridiculous.

What's with the men around here?

few girls, but I've been up with Fort Baxter. Me? There must be better army

camps than this. Listen, I've got a cousin at Camp Crawford who has so many

dates, she uses up five lipsticks a week. Yeah, I know girls spends her

furloughs. Well, that's for me.

The rest you can have Sergeant Bilko and his knights at a poker table. You know

what? I'm putting in for my transfer on Monday. Me?

What's with can't? I don't accept the word can't. I've got to get those five

guys off guard duty for the game tonight. Everybody else is tapped out.

But how are you going to get Edna to change the duty rush? With one little

called charm.

A little kiss on the cheek. A little tweak in the ear. Leave it to me. No.

No.

Don't bite me on this. I tell you, Edna will be perfect for the queen of the

Beaux -Arts ball. What's that? You promised me. I know I promised Nancy,

tired of baby -faced blondes. I want the mature, classic beauty of Edna. Ernie.

I know she could be Edna.

You're the man with glasses, you've got 20 years.

Speed it, Mac. I'm busy. What's going on here?

Edna?

That's quite not anything. We checked the personnel. Over 50 wax transferred

in the last two weeks.

What? And there's more leaving every day.

What could have happened? What do they want?

There's ten guys for a girl on this post. Where can they get better odds?

maybe we neglected them.

Neglected them? Can I try to organize co -ed poker games?

Selma's gone.

Selma's gone?

What'd you do, have a fight? How could I? I haven't seen her in six weeks.

What is he glaring at me for? Well, it's over, Sarge. A beautiful eight -year

romance and it's all over. Read this note she sent me.

Get lost, creep. Who needs you?

You didn't even retire my patronymic pen. You like that?

Didn't even...

A tiny thing?

You never went to college. What's the difference? It cost me five bucks.

Oh, look. Is it Evelyn?

Come on, pal. She'll come back.

All right, stop that.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a grown man like you. What are you worried

about? You'll find somebody new. In a few weeks, you'll forget all about her.

Evelyn is gone, I'm telling you.

What is this, a motor platoon or a soap opera?

She's gone, Sarge. My girl is gone. My girl is gone, too. She's gone.

Doesn't anybody suffer silently around here?

My girl, but calmly.

Sarge. Doberman, you too?

My heart is broken.

My chocolate fudge cake got crushed.

You and your poker games never gave us time to see our girl. We had time. You

had our money. Where are we going to get new girls?

Gentlemen, observe this little black book.

This is not exactly a milk cart, if you know what I mean.

Each page contains a thousand and one adventures, gentlemen. Not for me,

There'll never be another Selma. Don't say that, Dino.

Paparelli, look what I say for you. See this name? See the four stars after the

name? May I point out those four stars don't exactly mean that she's a general.

Yeah, she's a little too short for me. She'd be perfect for you, Dino.

Oh, what a lovely couple you make here. I want you to have this.

Sally, I've got something for you.

301 Breckenridge Road, Seattle, Washington. Let me see now. Seattle!

Why, the slug letters. Each mail call becomes a mad adventure. Hey, you keep

I can't dance with a letter. Hey, Pat, really, why don't you send them?

Marlon, will I let you down?

Hey, Robert, don't say that.

You don't want to know. It's hard to live like this.

What are you going to do?

Shut down on your side. I can't say that. I blame him.

They sold out a dozen friends for a lousy 60 bucks.

No, $77, Ernie.

$77?

I'm on a streak. This is it. Tonight I'll really put the clamp on him.

Did you hear that? I reverted to type. You hear the greed in my voice? I ought

to be ashamed of myself. No wonder they walked out on me. I forgot they're human

beings. Sensitive, emotional.

Look, Ernie, Ernie. Maybe they just need a little diversion. How about a

burlesque show? Oh, no. That would only madden the beast. You know, with the

runway so near and yet so far.

The girls are their own. That's right. What are we doing? There must be girls.

There must be a dance going on in town or something. Let's see.

Activities in Roseville today.

PTA meeting.

Lions Club.

DAR.

Sarge. You don't understand. I don't want any raving beauties like Jane

Mansfield. I want nice, plain girls. But here's something.

Roseville Poetry Circle meets tomorrow night.

Roseville. Look at this.

Ah. Aha.

Sarge. Poetry ain't going to take their mind off girls. Yeah, but we can take

the girls' mind off poetry.

poetry circle. Most of them aren't even allowed in a pool room.

Miss Daphne Smathers, poet laureate of Roseville. Aha. I can hardly wait to

Miss Smathers the countless hours I have spent pouring over her immortal verse.

Hey, Sarge, did you ever read anything she wrote?

What do you think, I'm a nut?

Don't you mind writing something personal and poetic? It'll make such an

impression on the boys in the barracks poetry corner.

How does this sound?

To someone whose taste I admire.

Sergeant Ernest Bilko, Esquire. Oh, that's wonderful. And it rhymes.

Did you just do that?

Oh, how can I thank you enough? Oh, you already have with your appreciation of

fine poetry.

Oh, this is the fourth book we've bought.

Really? Oh, yes. You have no idea what one slim volume goes through in the

of 30 fanatical poetry lovers.

Which poem stirred your group the most, Sergeant Bilko?

Which one? Oh, I could just turn to it by heart.

This one right here.

Elegy to a Cocker Spaniel.

May I read to you at your knee?

Oh, please do.

Elegy to a cocker spaniel.

A salty tear to my eye when I think of you up there in that kennel in the sky.

You were so sensitive, so tender, so easily hurtable, struck down in your

by a flashy convertible.

Our glover would know how beautiful this is. Oh, they're there, Sergeant.

Oh, please. I'd love my boys to meet you. They would... Oh, but I guess

so busy.

Not at all.

Our poetry circle meets tomorrow night.

Good heavens, what a coincidence.

So does ours.

Why don't we... Why don't... Mrs.

Mothers, I think it's so exciting. We're finally going to meet some sensitive,

aesthetic young men.

When are they going to be here? Very soon.

Where are the tapes?

This is a poetry circle. You act like gentlemen. We'll be gentlemen.

Let us out. Come on.

How did you... Look, we need those with our mutual love of poetry. Do you

understand? Now stop drooling and follow me.

I think I hear them in the hall. Oh, how exciting.

Enter, oh, blight spirits.

Our pilgrimage is over.

Welcome to an evening of beauty.

Oh, how splendid. What a lovely group of...

with young ladies.

No, wait.

I warn you, please.

We'll all have our share of Keats and Shelley. Please. I know just how they

feel. My girls feel the same way. They do?

One more hour first. I'll break our statue of Henry Wadsworth.

If you'll all be seated.

Yes, gently, gently.

All right, gentlemen,

please. We'll all be able to see and to hear.

I'd like to introduce one of our brightest hopes, Miss Angela Cummings.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't we lower the lights to give it the proper atmosphere?

It'll give it a soft... He has such a quest for culture,

he's always grasping for knowledge.

How are you, Daphne?

I just happened to be in town and I heard about your meeting.

What are these soldiers doing here? Oh, it's just a group of poetry lovers, sir.

Poetry lovers?

By George, I find it heartening to know that there are other soldiers in the

army who share my enthusiasms.

As you were, men.

Colonel Gruber is one of the best -known unpublished poets in the West. I do

hope you've brought something with you, Elliot.

Oh, just a couplet before you go, sir.

something with me. The final draft of my last poem, The Ballad of World War II.

Oh, The Ballad of World War II. Oh, Elliot, would you recite it for us? I'd

to.

It might not mean too much to you girls, but I'm sure the boys will love it. Oh,

yes, sir, they will.

They will. Would you?

This 7th of December, World War II had just begun.

And that sunny morning, 41, there was a big job to be done.

So I took up my gun to set the rising sun.

Splendid.

Now we'll have our own photo.

There's more.

Oh, there's more.

The station went clang, clang, clang.

And 21 guns went bang, bang.

You have to fight me. Sorry, sir.

Crash with those cannons from shore to shore.

Smash with those pillboxes till they win a war.

Boom!

Boom, boom, boom!

Do you have to shout?

That colonel with his hi -fi voice.

Boy, did he louse everything up with his ballad of World War II.

Crash with the cannons, bang with the guns.

I was there. We didn't use that much ammunition.

The girls had to leave at 11 o 'clock. Japan didn't surrender until 2.

Well, what are we going to do?

Start it. No girls. What, what? Look, Sarge, I don't know how to tell you

but a lot of the men are talking about transferring to a camp with more wax.

Who, who, who? Mullen, Paparelli, Zimmerman.

No, my best losers.

That settles it. I've got to do something.

I've got to get a new batch of wax to come to Fort Baxter. That's easy to say,

Ernie, but how? How?

Sarge? Leave him alone. He's thinking.

I can hear the wheels turning.

He's getting closer.

Five, four, three, two, one. Now, I get it. One, one, one.

I don't get it. Look, suppose I told the wax that at Fort Batchelor they would

find gaiety, excitement, romance, adventure.

Well, that would be misrepresentation and deception.

No. It's an out -and -out lie.

Good.

Good.

May I have your attention for a moment, please?

This afternoon, we have a slight change in our training schedule.

Instead of a lecture on military courtesy, we have a surprise speaker.

He has graciously volunteered to come all the way from Fort Baxter to talk to

on the subject of the maintenance of military vehicles.

He is Motor Pool Sergeant Ernest G.

Bilko. They're all yours, Sergeant. Thank you, Captain.

Thank you. Thank you very much. My, what a lovely group. I hope I can keep my

mind on motors.

Well, shall we get on with it? Are you ready, Copa Barbella? Yes, sir. Lights,

please. Now, we will proceed at once to the carburetor, one of the most

important parts of the motor. Yes, the carburetor is the vertebral heart of the

engine, as we will see in this close -up view.

Oh, yes, yes, I share your enthusiasm for the carburetor. Now, let's proceed.

of the battery.

Installing a battery is a technique all its own. And so we will show you a Fort

Baxter veteran teaching a rookie how it's done.

I don't think I'd be tattling, but this couple was married ten days

after this picture was taken.

Farewell, happy couple.

Now, let's have the next slide, please.

Fort Baxter applying his knowledge of military vehicles to one of his own

cars. Well, enough of the society chit -chat. Now, the concluding slide in this

series. A slide which illustrates what I've been trying to say so

enthusiastically at this very lecture.

I feel, as do the folks at Fort Baxter, that cooperation between the soldier and

the whack is essential to national security, as we will see in the next

Oh, I'm glad you're so interested.

Thank you so much for your kind attention.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much for coming here this afternoon. Thank

you.

Hey,

Sarge. Sarge, do you think it worked? I'm not going to miss you. You know what

they say, one picture's worth a thousand words.

Continue the brain work.

This is the nerve center of Camp Madison.

These girls are all training for secretarial assignments in army camps

the country. I see. Well, I... Yeah, yeah.

That's very interesting.

Do you have to go somewhere, Sarge? Oh, no, no. I have plenty of time. Tell me

more. Well, over there... There is. If you go through that little door...

Administration.

Who?

One moment, please.

There's a phone call for Sergeant Belko.

Phone call for me? I wonder who it could be.

It's from Hollywood.

Hollywood? Oh, it's from Hollywood.

You see, I take care of all the shows aboard Baxter. I arrange them, you

understand, and they're ready for next month's shows now.

Hello? Hello, Clark. It's Clark Gable.

Hi, Clark.

You'll have to speak up. It's long distance.

That's nice talking to you too, Clive. What? You want to bring somebody along

with you to fight Baxter? Who is it?

Cary Grant.

Well, sure, he can come along. Put him on.

Which is sitting around the Brown Derby, Ernie. And our buddy of yours just

walked in. I'll put him on.

rather familiar. I can't see the faces. Speak a little more, please.

Oh, come on, Ernie. We went through the war together.

Remember, I was a flyer. Any of you recognize this voice?

Oh,

hello, Jimmy. Oh, forgive me. I should have recognized you instantly. How are

you, James?

Wait a minute. Hello, Jimmy Stewart.

Oh, come along.

Hello. Hello, Mr. Stewart.

How are you, Captain Wallace?

Oh, how did he know my name?

How did he know my name?

Oh, I know how you do it because it's been bothering me right along. You're

Hollywood. That's up.

You are your Hollywood star.

Oh,

yes.

I know you anywhere.

Hello. Ah, how are you, Ernie? I'll hear the travel away, thank God. I

can't use you. I'm sorry. Who was that?

Marlon Brando. I can never understand.

Get ready, Sergeant. The record's almost over. I got you off KP to do this. Now

do it right.

Sergeant, what do we need the glee club for?

Stan, this is the last phase of Operation Girls. This will be the

quiet.

That was Frank Sinatra singing one of your all -time favorites. And now,

your Camp Madison radio service brings you a special treat for your listening

pleasure. A wonderful GI singing group. And here they are, the Three Stripes.

It's been two days now, and not one whack has shown up. The natives are

restless. I can't understand it. I covered every angle. Sarge, they're

They're leaving. They're really leaving.

Oh, Pat, Larry, watch your heart. Don't you trust the old Sarge? We've had it,

Sarge. We're clearing out. All I ask you to do is wait a couple of days. The wax

will be here. You wait. I want someone to muscle my hair and smear lipstick on

my collar. I'm young. I want to live. I forgot what it feels like to get my face

slapped. Here we go.

Here we go. I did all I can for him. What happened to you? I'm not sure.

A bunch of wax yelled, there's Ricky Van Fenden, then they pounced on me.

Where were they 20 years ago when I had the strength?

The place is crawling with them.

Geronimo!

Where are you going?

I'll try.

I'll try.

No luck, Sarge. They're all out on dates.

Out on dates? You said that wax and I... And there's a magical change.

like I created my own lull.

Come in.

Colonel Boomer.

You seem to enjoy my poetry so much the other night that I want you to hear

another poem. Yes, sir.

This is my Ballad of Outer Space.

Yes, sir.

At Cape Canaveral, the sky was so bright as we sent up our very own satellite.

And boom!

Uncle Sam is now in the orbit.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.

Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.