Original subtitles

One and two. What? No, don't watch your feet when you walk.

Padre, you're impossible. I cannot teach you how to dance.

Did I do something wrong, Sarge? Peter, you have absolutely no rhythm. I have a

good mind to give you your money back.

Okay, you hook me for the $10 course. No.

No, that would be going back on my word. I promise that every man in my dancing

class would be a future ballroom fetish there. All right, who's next? You're

next, Fender. Fender.

Sarge, can we skip it? My arthritis is killing me. Don't be silly, Sam. It's

best thing in the world for your arthritis. Now, you don't want to be a

wallflower, do you?

Where were we yesterday?

The tango. What tango is it? I remember all fire and passion.

I'm going to call these guys.

Pump.

Judo, sir. Judo.

He kicked him judo. Now, when the enemy swings a surprise attack, you give him

the Iwo Jima, overlap, wrist lock, and he's completely helpless.

That'll be all for today, gentlemen.

All right, the rest of you men dismissed.

Until tomorrow when I will teach you the jungle muckle -cracking. In case of a

sneak attack, sir, I want my men to always be alert, sir. But why the white

gloves, Sir Bilko? The white gloves? Oh, that's for eye -dodging, sir. We don't

want... We don't care if the enemy gets infected.

Now, do we, sir? The captain is interested in our work. That's a

gesture, then, for the captain. Hip -hip! Hip -hip! Hip -hip! All right,

We have three new men for the motor pool.

See that they get their bunks and equipment.

New blood in the platoon.

Splendid, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

All right, you've been dismissed.

All right, men, right in here.

Hey, Sarge, how's my rumble footwork? Is it improved any? Very good. Don't do it

in front of a hospital. They'll operate. Move, move, out.

Hey, yo!

Private Herbert Anderson.

Here. Rob Dawson.

Private Wong Lee. Yes.

All right, attention.

You're in the army now.

I'd like to introduce myself.

At ease.

I'm Sergeant Ernest Bilkoff, men.

Your friend away from home.

I want you fellas to feel whenever you're in need, you can come to me.

And likewise, I'd like to feel whenever I'm in need, I can come to you. Yes,

sir. Now, that sounds like fun. That sounds like fun.

Die out!

When it comes to things military, I'm all spit and polish. You'll find that

I want my men to be prepared for any emergency.

I want them to be alert. I want them to be able to dance.

Dance? Well, of course.

Show me a soldier that can foxtrot. I'll show you a happy soldier. Of course,

you men are all familiar with the waltz. The cha -cha -cha, the rumba, the

merengue. What's the merengue? I've never heard of it, Sergeant.

What do they teach them in basic training these days?

For $5, you can all join my weekly dancing class.

$5? Or perhaps you'd rather join my weekly KP class, my garbage disposal

That's what it came down for the Saturday class.

Put Dawson down for the Saturday class.

If you count me in, do you have change of 20? Change?

20, 20.

Sarge, you're crying.

It's been so long since I've seen a 20 in this movie.

Panic, Lord.

You sure you want changes at 20? Wait a minute, Sarge. I do have a five.

That's a five, too.

25 dollars. For 25 dollars, I can name a dance after you. The Wong Lee Mazurka.

No, thanks.

He's fixed with the beginning.

He's going to develop his strength.

Help me, help me.

Sarge, shall I show the boys their bunks? You show them. I'll show him.

Come with me.

Suppose you'd like a nice bunk with a view?

Oh, I'm not sure.

He's not juicy, but I am the best for this boy. Here's a lovely bunk right

right by the window. You'll be the first one to see the morning sun. How about

that? But somebody's up there, Sarge.

Somebody's up there indeed.

Somebody's in there.

Just a loiterer, that's all. You'll be very happy here.

Gee, it's awful nice of you, sir. Well, of course. I'm always glad to help a boy

with a 20. I mean a boy in his 20s away from home.

You'll be very happy here because... Do you mind if I put this picture here?

What is it? A picture of your family?

Yeah, that's sweet.

Yeah, they're standing out in front of our restaurant in San Francisco. Oh,

father has a restaurant in San Francisco? I've never been there. Maybe

been to the one in Chicago.

The Lumley Garden?

Your father has two restaurants?

No, he has ten.

And don't stand there. Help him make his bed.

I suppose it keeps your father very busy going from restaurant to restaurant,

bank to bank. You sure got to hand it to him. When he landed in San Francisco 30

years ago, he only had one dollar in his pocket. Only one dollar. And now he has

ten. Why don't we stand here? Why don't we help this boy in his... Look, would

you do me a personal favor?

You see that door over there? It's exactly 20 steps from your bunk. I want

door to be your door.

Anything bothers you, knockety -knock. And your sergeant is there.

Any favor. I'm your man. You understand that. Thank you. Why, you stand there.

Let's help him. Help him up to his bed. Come, sergeant. Come.

Come, sergeant.

Everything's going to be fine.

His father's a regular Howard Johnson.

Thank you, Buddha.

All right. You get the sandwiches? Six sandwiches from the Bonton luncheonette

and six sodas cost $4.

It's a little expensive, but it's going to be worth it. Is Wang Li out there?

Yeah, he's on his bunk resting. He said you ordered him not to drill. Exactly.

Now, you guys know what to do with the game. Right, Sergeant.

It's just like playing rummy, except that the tiles are like cards.

Good boy. Now, I'll set the little trap. I'll get our little Chinese pigeon.

Wang Li, Sergeant, we're going to hold him up.

One more shot.

Why? Because it's the Chinese national game. The Englishmen play with. The

French play la balette.

The Chinese play mahjong. Hey, March, you finally got some duties for me? Your

military training will wait. Right now, it's welcome wagon time. How about a

sandwich and a bottle of soda pop? Oh, gee, I just had my dinner. Oh, did you?

Then we can get right to the game.

What's that, mahjong?

He knows. He knows.

My dad taught me that when I was a child. I haven't played it in years.

played it in years. Sit down. It'll all come back to you.

All right, Juan. You go.

Seven bam.

Three crack.

More dots.

Nine bam.

Four dots.

East wind.

East wind.

Four winds. Mahjong.

Sorry, fellas.

Boy, wait till the guys hear how much money I want for you here.

I don't want them to know that Sergeant Gamble. Come on, get some street.

Well, Sergeant took us to the cleaners.

You like my look?

Six months of dancing classes.

All I got to show for it is one buck.

Sergeant wants to clean up this mess?

Leave it for Doberman. He'll love it. Come on.

Well, Andy Bilker, you jerk.

You owe me 15 years. What do you got to show for it?

One lousy dollar.

Oh, these mumbles are killing me.

Smart guy.

One dollar.

When my dad landed in San Francisco, he only had one dollar in his pocket. And

now he has ten rest... And now he has ten rest... Ten rest...

From the New Orleans restaurant.

From Ernie's Delicatessen.

Why not?

This is Ernie Bilko. Listen.

First thing tomorrow morning at the motor pool.

We're having a meeting with the entire platoon.

Yes. We're opening a Chinese restaurant.

You might be right. A Chinese restaurant.

First thing in the morning at the motor pool.

I must say, Bilko, it's a pleasure to see so much activity in the motor pool.

Call me idealistic, if you will, sir, but I think a man should do what he's

to do, and I'm paid to run the motor pool, sir.

Very good, Bilko. Thank you, sir. I've been working those carburetors. Get

pistols out. Okay.

All right, hold it. All right, come on. Stop it. We've got work to do. Now,

where were we? We just made our first million in the restaurant business.

the Chinese restaurant business here. Sarge, are you sure?

I see we've got a doubting Thomas in the crowd, huh? Well, let's find out about

the rest of you. All those in favor of opening a Chinese restaurant, say aye.

Aye. It's unanimous. Now, here's what we're going to do.

Now, we've got to get on up with who knows all about Chinese restaurants.

Sarge. I found the perfect spot for our restaurant. It's right on the corner of

Main and Sycamore Streets. Next to the bowling alley? Yeah. I clocked the

by. It's just the kind of location my father always picks. Good boy.

Uncle Sam didn't need him. I needed him. Make a deposit on that store right

away. But, Sarge, are you sure we can go into business? After all, we're in the

army. Don't worry about it, kid. I looked it up. A soldier can do anything

wants as long as it doesn't interfere with his military duties. Am I right,

boss? Right, right. As long as it doesn't interfere with his duties.

interfering with our duties. Now, tell me more about the store. Wait a minute,

Sarge. What about a cook?

They come hard. Not the one I found.

Sarge, Ritzik? Of course, Ritzik.

Are you sure he can cook Chinese?

I'm positive.

He can't cook American. Come on, give me a few boxes of Reese's. I'm making

cupcakes. Right, Sarge. Come on.

Here he is, Wong, the valedictorian of the Cook and Baker School.

Ha -ha, Ruben.

What surprise have you prepared for our pilots today?

Come on, beat it, Bilko. I'm busy. Wait a minute. I want you to meet one of my

new recruits. This is Wong Lee. Master Noyce. Hi. I'll be looking for you at

Is that right?

Is that right? Is he all charmed? You wouldn't think of this guy. He was one

the backbones of the United States Army.

How many men do you feed a day?

500. At three times a day. And each meal a memory.

Oh, Ernie. Well, it's true.

There's no trouble too big enough that he won't go through to satisfy our taste

buds. This man's an artist, and his kitchen is his canvas.

Oh, Arnie.

Here's your cupcakes.

Just for you. Thank you. Thank you. But does he get any credit for all the pains

he goes through? Does the army give him a medal for his tomato surprises, his

meatloaves? No.

When his hitch is up, they count the silverware. They ask him to turn in his

apron, and then they throw him out into the cold, cruel world.

I'm not going to make no more cupcakes for those kind of people.

Fortunately, you have friends.

Yeah? Who?

Wong and I.

And we're going to see that you have a kitchen all your own, where nobody

you out when you're golden gray.

And you can cook to your heart's content anything you want, as long as it's

Chinese.

Chinese? What, are you going to Shanghai me?

Wong and I and the boys are opening a Chinese restaurant, and you're going to

our cook.

You're nuts, Bilko. I'm in this kitchen from 4 o 'clock in the morning till 6 o

'clock at night.

Works out perfectly. We're going to open at 6 o 'clock at night and close at 2 a

.m. There's only going to be two hours at home.

I'll never see my wife.

Well?

You got yourself a cookbook.

By the way, how much is the pay?

Well, to start with, nothing.

Well, I guess you can't have everything.

I want you to land these and start practicing on them right away. Let me

Moo, goo, guy.

Pan?

I don't know you spoke Chinese.

This is working out beautifully, isn't it?

He says you look like Fu Manchu.

Three cups of rice, two cups of bamboo sprouts, water chestnuts. Hey, I haven't

got any of this stuff.

Well, aren't there any Chinese dishes in the army cookbook? Yeah.

Well, you order your supplies from Quartermaster's. Yeah, I'll make out a

Yeah, until you get everything on these recipes. Well, the wheels are chaining.

Hey, Ritzik, here's the raisins you ordered for the cupcakes.

Raisins? Cupcakes? Get that out of here.

Hey, what's the matter? What's the matter?

Cupcakes, raisins, and the Chinese restaurants? From now on, you're making

fortune cookies. And a double.

Right,

elbows up.

Pencils, please.

London! How do they look, Wang Li? Not bad.

You're not kidding. I think they make better waiters than they do soldiers.

Give me the Chinese menu. Right here, Sergeant. All right, we are now going to

rehearse waiting on customers exactly as we will do next week when we open the

restaurant. I want you to watch a piece of news. Remember everything that Wang

told you. Who plays the customer? I do, Sergeant. All right, get outside,

Paparelli. Remember that. He's watching you. He's taking notes. I want

joviality. The customer's always right. Remember that. All right, take notes.

All right, Paparelli, come in.

Well, good evening, sir. You must have heard about our new Chinese restaurant.

Come right in, sir. We're so glad to have you.

This is your table right here. I think you'll find it very comfortable. Here's

your menu, and I'll get you a waiter. Waiter!

Good evening, sir. You're a nut, sir. You have one of our final waiters.

What are you crowding a customer? Give him a chance to please.

Will you order a la carte or a la dinner, sir?

I think this evening I'll splurge. I'll have a la carte.

A wise choice. First, I'd like some nice crisp egg rolls and a double order of

barbecued pork.

After that, a tureen of steaming wonton soup and then some fried rice with lots

of cantonese.

You'd better hold the lots of cantonese. I want to save some room for the press

document. Waiter!

Waiter! I can't help it. He made me hungry.

Waiter!

Take over this station, Sarge. I just came from the kitchen. The Chinese

has just arrived.

Our destiny is now in Ritzik's hands. Let's get over to the kitchen.

Hey, what about my order, Sarge? We're closed. It's the Chinese New Year.

Two o 'clock in the morning. Let's quit, Ernie, huh?

Will you give up, Sarge? Ritzik's never going to learn to cook Chinese.

That last batch of egg pooyang tasted like goulash. All right, so we won't

a Chinese -American restaurant. We'll have a Chinese -Hungarian restaurant.

Give him a chance.

I think I got it. I got it.

This is it, gentlemen.

Stanley has met Dr. Livingston. Edison has invented the electric light. And

Rupert Ritchick has conquered Egg Poo Young.

Somebody eat this. My tongue is numb.

Are you sure you're following the recipe?

In my sleep. Well, wake up and try it again.

Oh, Heidi, not again.

Now, look, Rupert, we're going to stay in this kitchen until you learn how to

cook Chinese.

Don't send me back to that hot stove. Please, I can't take it anymore.

Rupert, Rupert, this is no time for battle fatigue. I won't go back. I'm not

going to do it. I can't do it.

Thanks, Wilco.

I need it.

Let me accept it, Miss Soldier.

Now, in there and cook.

Oh, good morning, sir. Good morning.

Wonderful morning, isn't it, Colonel Hall? Yes. Walking to the mess hall in

crisp morning air certainly gives you an appetite for breakfast. Nothing like a

good plate of bacon and eggs to start the day off right, sir. You can say that

again. I told Mrs. Hall, stay in bed. I'm going down and eat with the men.

Ah, here it is.

Food, food, food.

I don't recognize you,

sir. I've heard a lot of complaints about Ritzik's cooking, but I always

they were exaggerated.

This is the wettest omelet I've ever seen.

It is strange, sir.

Well, pass the rolls. At least we can have some coffee and rolls.

This is not rolls, sir. It's rice.

Coffee, sir?

It's tea.

Ritzik!

Ritter! What's going on here? Here I am, sir. More egg foo young.

Egg foo young?

So that's what it is. Now, who's taking over this post?

Ruby Pooh?

Now, get back to the kitchen and bring us some bacon and eggs. Yes, sir. And

coffee. Without rose petals.

Yes, sir.

That's where we're going to send the replacements, Lieutenant. Right in the

middle of the China Sea.

The Makuchi Airport.

I know. The men call it miserable Makuchi. Yes, that's why we're replacing

men who are there.

Two years is about all any soldier can take. Is that why you wanted me to find

company of men who might be more adaptable, sir?

Yes, a group of men with a far east orientation would be just what we need

Makuchi. I think I've found the answer, sir. What do you mean?

Look at this group here.

From Fort Baxter, Kansas, the outfit was stationed in the Pacific during the

war, and they already have a Chinese soldier in their outfit, which is a big

plus. That's not enough, Lieutenant.

How do we know these men would be more at home in the Orient than any place

else? Well, just listen to their supply list, sir.

300 pounds of rice, 20 bushels of bamboo sprouts, 40 boxes of ginger, water

chestnuts, snow peas, jasmine tea.

And that's just the beginning.

Lieutenant, have orders cut immediately.

I think Makuchi -America relations are about to reach a new high.

Where are they sending us?

Makuchi at all.

Miserable McCoochie.

Why? I don't understand it, sir, but according to this dispatch, an officer

be here tomorrow to brief us for departure.

I thought after all my years of service, they'd let me finish out my time here

at Fort Baxter.

But after all, I'm a soldier.

And if that's where they want to send me, that's where I'll go.

Miserable McCoochie.

The order was rather subtle.

For us, yes.

Somehow the men knew.

What do you mean, sir?

Egg foo young for breakfast, rose petal tea.

Oh, you can't beat the Army grapevine.

It's better than radar.

It certainly is.

Washington just made the decision an hour ago.

That would mean our men knew even before Washington.

That's what I mean.

What?

Captain Buck, there's something strange going on.

When I get egg foo young in the morning in order to go to the middle of the

China Sea in the afternoon...

I know there's something wrong.

We'd better get over to the kitchen.

Well, Walt, how is it?

It's delicious.

You hear that, Rupert? You're a success. Come on, guys, hurry up. The old man

won't tell me.

Seconds in my mess hall.

Do you realize what this means? For the first time in my life, I'm going to have

empty garbage cans. I'm so proud of you.

You know what you've just done? You've created a whole camp full of

future customers.

He's great, Sarge. When do we open? A week from tonight.

That reminds me, Rock. We'll take a letter to Duncan Hines.

Dear Duncan, we would like you to be the first to sample our exquisite oriental

cuisine. Oriental cuisine.

There, there. I can't tell you.

Colonel Hawthorne, I was just on my way to the motor pool to fix your jeep, sir.

Never mind my jeep. Bill Copeland looks as if he'll be using a rickshaw.

Rickshaw? Oh, look, Colonel Hawthorne. Chop suey. Chow mein.

Riddick. What's the meaning of this Chinese cooking?

Sir, he's too shy to tell you. It's his way of welcoming our new recruit, Wang

Li. It's sort of like a package from home, sir.

He said it's rather sweet. He said his celestial ancestors on

high will thank Colonel Hong.

Stop it, Bilko!

Good heavens.

Riddick, let me see your supply list.

Yes, sir.

Look at this, Barker.

Water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, snow peas.

No wonder we were chosen to go to Makuchi Atoll.

Miserable Makuchi, sir? Yes, Vilco. Now get your motor pool packed.

We have to be ready to ship in 24 hours. But, sir, why us?

According to this list, we're the next best thing to a Chinese battalion.

You mean that's why they're going to send us to Makuchi, sir?

That's right, Vilco.

Now get your motor pool packed, ready to move out.

An officer attached to General Foxworth's staff will be here tomorrow

brief us. But, sir, don't you... That'll be all.

Yes, sir.

Well, there goes the restaurant.

Restaurant? There goes Fort Baxter.

What'd you come to me for? You know I can't cook.

Now they're going to send them all the way from Washington to teach us how to

behave in Makuchi.

How do we behave, Sarge?

That's it.

How do we behave?

What should I do with all this charmaine? Eat it. You'll be hungry

hour.

You, watch the door. Tell me when Bradford's coming. Right. Is everything

set? They all know what to do. How about the wax?

Well, it took a little talking, but they finally agreed. They don't want to see

anybody sent to Makoshi. Good.

I don't want that briefing officer to miss the details.

Yeah, but Ernie, you sure it's going to work?

If it don't, I can always jump over, boy.

Hey,

Ted! All right, at ease.

Thank you, sir. This is Lieutenant Williamson.

Lieutenant, this is Sergeant Bilko, who is in charge of the motor platoon.

Now, while you're briefing him, I'll go over to the supply room and see that

they're ready for you. Thank you, Captain.

Thank you, Captain.

Now, Sergeant, you and your men are going on a very important assignment.

we're well aware of that. Well, fine. I just wanted to make sure you and your

men approach it with a proper attitude.

Now, since McCoochie is such a very strategic island, we must always

the best possible relations with the natives. They'll never leave our minds,

sir.

McCoochie's are a very old people with a very ancient culture.

We must in no way disturb their beautiful way of life. I understand.

I pack the cash register, sir?

Put it in the tool chest.

Tell me, sir, what type of money do the McCoochins use?

Oh, their main unit of currency is the mool. It's roughly equivalent to our

dollar. Oh, the mool. That's where they must have gotten the word mool out.

Tell me more, sir.

But a cash register in a motor pool?

Oh, it won't be in the motor pool. Tell me... Oh, yes, they make beautiful

baskets.

What do you want with the cash register?

What kind of basket?

What basket? The ones the natives make.

Oh, well, that's great. I got the stuff for the cigarette girl.

And how do you like the costume?

Costume? It's all right if we were going to Alaska. We're going to the tropics.

Give me more girl and less costume. You know, zizi.

Hold it.

Tell me more about the good she's done.

Just a minute, Sergeant.

What did you say about a cigarette girl? Just a small detail, Sergeant. The

electric side is ready, Sergeant. Oh. Oh, good. Tell me, sir, do the natives

read English?

Oh, yes, they read English, but... Blender, they'll be able to see this

miles. Let's see if it works, boys.

Would you mind, sir?

Oh, splendid.

Sir, we'll have the bulbs in red, white, and blue, and Uncle Sam will get the

credit for this, sir.

Are you going to open a nightclub on Makuchi?

Oh, you like the idea, you told me the lieutenant would like the idea. He's

us 100%. Let me show you our floor show, sir. Won't you sit down? Tell me what

you think of this floor show. It's going to sweep the island. All right,

Clayton, everybody.

It's the best rehearsal.

Clayton time.

One, two.

You're absolutely right, sir.

Fender was flat. We'll do it again from the beginning.

John, that's what they told us when they threw us off that last island. You were

thrown off the last island? Yes, but in the middle of the night it was hushed

up, sir. It was during wartime, you know. Sergeant! What you were planning

doing would destroy American prestige on McCoochie forever.

Who else was in on this? Well, the entire post, so we thought we'd liven up

things a bit. Well, I'm going to liven things up a bit, Sergeant. I'm going

right to your colonel.

Thank heavens I found out about this in time.

I don't see what harm.

You think it worked?

Will we have to go to McCoochie? I don't know. Maybe we went too far. You mean

we won't go to McCoochie? I don't think we'll be able to get back on Roseville.

Well,

Todd,

you got us out of McCoochie. Yep, we dissolved the corporation and all the

stockholders have been paid off. Well, and I'm still stuck with the same

Don't worry, Sarge. Rome wasn't built in a day either. Rome was.

Wrong. How's about we open an Italian restaurant?

Tiro sandwiches to go, frozen lasagna. All right, Sarge, go ahead.

Let's play some cards and relax.

Sarge, you got a minute? Minute? I got years.

I'd like you to meet my father. Hey, Dad. Your father?

Hello, Mr. Lee. I'm Sergeant Bilger. This is Corporal Barbella. This is

Henshaw. It's nice to see you in town and see your boy, why?

Well, it started out that way, but I think I'll stay a while.

What do you like, Roseville?

I like the location. It's great for a Chinese restaurant.

Another one. That makes 11.

Is it true?

That you went into business with just $1? That's right.

But fortunately, my brother had $10 ,000.

He went into business with just $1.

You didn't tell me about his brother. He almost forced me into bankruptcy.

Is it true that you were going into business, Sergeant Wilco? Yes. I'd like

meet your brother. You see, I have the dollar, too.

Also seen in tonight's cast were John Lee as Private Lee.

Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Nick Saunders as Captain Barker, Joe Sullivan

Lieutenant Williamson, John Davis as General Foxworth, and Mark Sato as Mr.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.