Original subtitles

Dino, Dino, please.

Every night you're doing the same thing. What's going on here? What is this

commotion?

That's wrong with you guys. How inconsiderate can you be? Do you realize

time it is? Don't you ever think of other people?

Don't you realize there's a card game going on in there?

I made you a monitor. What is this all about? Papa, at least type it again. We

can't get no sleep.

It's another one of his screwy contents.

All right, Pamper, what is this all about? All I've got to do is write a 25

-word letter and I win a year's subscription to the ladies' home

Who would enter a contest like that? Nobody.

So? So I got a better chance of winning.

This is what I'm talking about.

Why don't you get wise to yourself properly?

Don't you realize that most of these contests are fake? I can't help it,

It's in my blood. In your blood? How much money you spent these past few

on postage stamps, on stationery? I'll win one, yet you'll see. Look at your

bunker. It looks like a waste paper bag. Look at this mess.

That's a limerick contest I'm entering.

This? You wrote this? Yeah.

There once was a lady named Gwendolyn who liked to strub on her mandolin.

Look,

I'm going to be as diplomatic and as tactful as I can. Go ahead, Sarge.

an idiot!

Working in a shower room. Let the guys get some sleep around here. You're on a

double. Gee, thanks, Sarge. If I don't get my eight hours sleep, I look awful

the morning.

Gwendolyn, go strub your mandolin. Pull his daily. You listen.

Me? Yeah. Must be a bill.

It's from your wife. It's the same thing.

No, man, it's you.

Sugarman Peck.

Bill Colton. Let's be here.

Burn it.

From the Friendly Finance Company.

Burn it with a smile.

Well, there's you.

A package for dopamine.

That's my reducing bills. They make me eat less.

Less than what? An elephant? A horse? Move it.

Nice, man. You.

Paparelli. Paparelli got a telegram.

Paparelli. Where is he? Oh, he's still asleep, Sergeant.

What does he think? Is it the country club?

Look at him.

Sleeping as innocent as a child.

Look at that contented smile.

Always seems a shame to wake him.

Sleeping till 11 o 'clock? You know better than anybody else around here.

get up at 10 .30.

I didn't get to bed till 6 .30, Sarge. What made you quit so early?

Some wise guy had to come in and take a shower.

Well, don't look at me.

You're the last one we suspect.

A telegram for me? I wonder who it could be from. Well, open and read it.

Well, who's it from? Well... Sarge!

Sarge! Sarge!

Hold him down. Hold him while I read this wire.

Congratulations. Stop.

Rony Plaza Hotel in Miami Beach awards you grand prize in slogan contest.

Glorious 10 -day stay for two. Stop. Claim tickets and details to follow. He

it. He won first prize.

Sarge, I never thought he could do it. He did.

I had confidence in this boy all the way. I'm proud. Look at him. Look how

and exhausted after a hard winter.

Don't worry, I'm going to see to it that this boy gets plenty of sunshine and

fresh air in Miami Beach.

You're going to fix him up? I didn't see you get any telegrams. Well, it says

for two, doesn't it? So what? And you're no more monitor.

What does monitor got to do with anything? You don't think I'm going to

boy go to Miami Beach alone on chaperone, do you? This innocent boy,

fainted the first sight of a bikini.

I'm going to catch him.

I'm proud of you. Come on, sit down, boy.

Nice and comfy, huh? Yes.

Tell me again. I don't believe it. It's true. You won first prize.

First prize!

I'm sorry about our leaves.

Besides, you think you'll be able to get a leave? Why not? Pat really hasn't

been home in eight months. Yeah, but you already had tree this year. Please,

those were emergency leaves.

I remember the emergencies. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The colonel's

gonna beat me.

I'm surprised at you guys. You have so little understanding of the basic

kindness and tolerance of our beloved colonel, who I will work on gently.

Now, you can wire them to expect us on Friday.

Of course I don't mind spending my leave with your folks.

As a matter of fact, I'm looking forward to it.

Goodbye, dear.

Well, that long trip again. Where do Mrs. Hall's folks live, Colonel?

South Dakota.

Oh, I've never been to South Dakota.

Don't bother. South Dakota isn't near a plain thing except North Dakota.

Have you looked outside, sir? It's snowing.

Yes. You know what that means, don't you? A visit from Sergeant Bilko.

Another leave? Yes. I wonder what excuse he'll have this time. The last one was

his grandmother.

That poor woman's had a tough stroke of luck.

She died three times in the last two years.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to give him his leave without a fight. But

Colonel Paul, surely between the two of us we can... That's not it. I don't want

to leave Bilko here when I'm gone. I'm allowed to come back and find the camp

stripped bare.

Oh, it's starting to come down harder now.

Yes. I wonder what's keeping Bill Cone.

Right on time. Coming.

Good afternoon, sir.

It's cold, sir. It's blowing up a blizzard, sir.

Yes, accompanied by a big wind.

Well, Bill Cone, what can I do for you? Oh, just a routine, sir. If you just

sign the leaf papers for Private Paparelli, the poor boy hasn't had a

eight months, sir.

What's the matter? I've only had it for three weeks, sir. If you'll just...

Don't be alarmed. It always stiffens up like this whenever Jack Frost is here.

Well, it's too bad.

I hope you can shuffle cards with your left hand.

Shuffle? Oh, that is...

I must say, you're very courageous about your ailments. A lesser man would be

complaining better late. And so when you reach a certain age, you learn to be

philosophical about these things you expect, these occasional bouts with

pneumonia, sir. If you'll just sign the paper, sir, I'll rejoin my men in the

shoveling of snow.

Yeah, here you are, Belko. Thank you, sir. Now, Captain Barker, as I was

saying... Oh, darn!

See what?

Tremblitis, sir.

Tremblitis? Yes, a rare but mysterious disease that has killed 17 members of my

family. My poor grandmother, how she suffered.

She must have, Bilko. He killed her three times.

Bilko, is there anything you can do about these attacks?

Oh, what can I do, sir? Miami Beach would just give me temporary relief from

excruciating pain, sir. Well, you'd need at least two weeks' leave to go there.

Yes, two weeks in Miami Beach. I'm afraid that would be impossible,

sir? You're right, Bilko. It's impossible.

I just want you to know that you didn't fool me for one minute. I wasn't trying

to fool you. Quiet, Bilko.

I've got a surprise for you.

I'm going to give you your leave. Thank you, sir.

Stop it, stop it.

Do you know why?

Why, sir? Because I'm going away for two weeks and I don't want to leave the

camp at your mercy.

Thank you, sir.

You're the only one on this installation that you can't outsmart. Yes, sir.

Now... Go and have my secretary sign your leave papers. I have them right

sir. If you would sign them, I would appreciate it. Thank you very much.

I do hope you have a good time in South Dakota, sir. Don't you worry about...

How did you know I was going to South Dakota? Oh, I ran into your wife this

afternoon at the PX. And I reminded her. She hasn't seen her folks in some time.

And they're a lovely old couple that must be lonely.

I stayed up late.

Did you call me, Sarge? Yeah. Did you get the plane tickets? I'll check again.

Good. Don't forget, tuck your bathing suit. I'm wearing it under my uniform.

You're wearing it? Yeah, once you get there, I don't want to lose any time.

Hey, here they are, Dino. Special delivery.

Oh, boy.

Here, here.

Passports to Paradise, that's all. Hey, Sarge, what does the letter say? Yeah,

come on, read it, Sarge. Gently, gently.

Let's see.

Dear contest winner, that Dino boy, please find airline tickets that will

you and your wife.

on a dream honeymoon at the Roney Plaza Hotel.

Deluxe accommodations have... Hang on a minute.

It's not you and your wife on a dream honeymoon.

I mean, what kind of a contest was it?

Forget it. I answered so many of them. Well, don't you have the entry blank?

Yes, somewhere.

Do you like this? This is a contest for honeymooners. Yeah, remember now my

slogan was start life together in sunny weather.

Cadet, this is a contest for a married couple. I had it all planned out.

Well, I could tell you, Dino. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be going in

first place. You're bad. Throw it up to me, huh?

Why don't we give the trip to one of the married couples on the post?

Dino, that is the most heartwarming, unselfish gesture I ever heard of. And

besides, it'll bring us a couple of hundred bucks.

Michelle, we can try a package just for a married couple on the post.

Who'd you have in mind, Sarge? None other than the lovebirds of Fort Baxter.

Tonight, I will visit Rupert Ritzick and wife.

God, did Bilko. Every nest must have its word.

Oh, your lovely bride has a way of turning a phrase.

Yeah, and stomachs, too. If I told you... I don't want that man of mine.

out of here. Get him out of here. I don't want to fight with him when I get

back.

Ah,

she's through. Oh, you're to be envied, Rupert. What a woman that is. She's like

a tigress, ferociously guarding every moment alone with you.

What's up, Bilko? Gabe tonight?

Ah, what fire? What spirit?

Reminds one of Dolores Del Rio in her prime.

Where's the game?

What's true? Emma does look tired. She's like a faded flower wilting for the

want of sunshine.

Come on, get to the point, Luke.

All right, I will.

Emma looks tired. As a matter of fact, a few weeks in Miami Beach will do you

both the world of good. Are you kidding? Did you ever see her in a bathing suit?

Roof in a...

and over the wife of a dear and trusted friend?

Come on, Bilko. Now, what do you want? Okay, here's what I want. I want

happiness for you two kids. For a few hundred bucks, I can fix it up for you

I'm going to spend your second honeymoon in Miami Beach.

Are you kidding? I took her on a honeymoon 15 years ago and I ain't

same mistake twice.

Hey, Emma!

Emma! Are you joking? A second honeymoon?

What do you want?

Bilko thinks that you and I should go on a second honeymoon.

A second honeymoon? Yeah, it would be a good idea.

Any luck, gentlemen?

Nothing, nothing.

It's the most aggravating thing I ever went through.

Any married couple on the post that wants to go can't afford to. Well, what

you going to do, Sarge? I'm going to go strive for another ten days in Florida

in the sunshine with Betty and Ruthie's waiting for me. And I'm stuck here in

Siberia. Yeah, for a vacation like that, it almost pays to get married. You

ain't kidding. I myself wouldn't.

Say that again?

I said for a vacation like that, it almost pays to get married.

That's it.

What, then?

I'm sure you're a genius.

How tall are you?

Five -six. Why?

Over the quarter, Masters. Pick me up a whack uniform size.

Oh, no, Sarge. I don't want to go that far. We still got those wigs we used in

the play last week. Yeah, the backstage at the theater. Uh -huh. What are you

going to do to pick them up? Stop off at the PX and pick me up at the cheapest

wedding ring you can find on the double roof. Please, Sarge, no. Dino, it's the

only way. Sarge, don't ask me. I have to. Will you marry me?

We check into the hotel after Mr. and Mrs. We get up to our room, right? You

back into your army uniform. It's a big hotel. Nobody notices we get lost. We

have a ball. But, Sarge, me in a whack uniform?

Sorry for a little while.

What do I do when MP picks me up? Well, you slap his face.

Martha, how about it? Oh, come on, fellas. They'll be here in a minute. I

checked with the airport. They should be here any minute. Good. I have a police

escort bringing them in. Fine, fine.

This is great publicity for your hotel.

I hope the bride is pretty. Oh, don't you worry about that. All brides are

beautiful. This will make a swell story for you, Martha. Yes, it's a good angle.

A GI couple winning a honeymoon?

I must admit, Harry, this contest idea of yours is a good one. I can't wait to

see the happy couple.

They're here. Come on, boys. Bring those cameras around. Here they come.

Please.

Please let us go. Poor girl at the cost of it. Please. Let us go. Please.

Wait, Sergeant Bilko.

Will you stop that?

How do you do that?

May we register and go to our room now? Please, Sergeant. These people have the

newspapers. They just want to ask you and your lovely bride a few questions.

she's so tired. It's been a great day. Mrs.

Bilko, is this your first trip to Miami Beach? Yes, it is. And isn't it pretty?

Will you excuse us now? Bilko, Martha's from the Miami Herald. That's nice,

but... Mrs. Bilko, what do you think is the basis for a happy marriage?

Look, together, will you please?

Togetherness and mutual respect is all you need for a happy marriage. Now, will

you excuse... And I suppose you two have lots in common. Much more than you

think.

You see, the poor dear has laryngitis. You really must excuse us now. Oh,

Sergeant, let's just get one good picture. Well, really, now. And let's

of you kissing the bride.

Please, tell me...

and cheesecake shots for the bride. How dare you, sir? My wife's not that kind

of a girl.

That's all, Bobby. Please, thank you. Thank you very much. If there's anything

can do for you, don't hesitate to call. You've been more than kind. Thank you

very much.

Why an ordeal, that one? Yeah, get a look at that view.

I know it's beautiful, but can I get out of this junk now? Yeah, get out of him.

Do you mind turning around?

Put it back on. Put it on.

I'll get the door, D. You all right?

Oh, excuse me, Sergeant, but I forgot to tell you. I'm giving a cocktail party

in the bamboo room tonight for you and your bride. Oh, I'm afraid that's

impossible. Her cold has grown much worse, hasn't it, dear?

We'll be glad to cooperate at some other time. Thank you very much. Wow, what a

pest. Oh, boy, I can't wait to hit that pool. Ten days of swimming in sunshine,

and at night... You know, you know, listen here.

You better lay low on me, dear. What? Until they get used to us and stop

over us. You know what I mean? Look, we got a good thing here. Why take chances?

Why last enough...

Reminds me, you better shave. Do I have to? You want to wear pancake makeup?

I'll shave.

Don't nag. I'm in a hurry. Sure, you got places to go, things to do. While I rot

in this lousy room, day and night, I can't get out of these clothes.

Please, don't grudge me.

Cynthia's double pot. Can't this wait until tomorrow?

No, it can't. It's been going on for five days already.

All right, I promise you, as soon as things cool off, you can go out.

promises. That's all I get. I'm tired of being cooped up. I want to have fun. I

want to dance. I want to live. Please, don't make a scene. People can hear you.

You're getting the sound like Emma Ritzig. I got your television set

Oh, sure. While you're out dancing with bathing beauties, I'm a charter member

of the Mickey Mouse Club.

You've got a beautiful suntan. Well, I'm the great ghost of room 805.

Well, when you're right, you're right. Tomorrow, I'm getting you a sun lamp.

Thanks a heap.

Anybody here today?

Oh, yeah, my regular madcap set, room service, the bellhop, the porter. It's a

mad social world.

These times I shave.

Oh, today was real exciting.

I cut myself twice.

Okay, you win. I'm letting you out. Oh, boy, I'll get dressed.

Tomorrow. Why not tonight?

Look, you waited five days. Why spoil it? By tomorrow, they'll stop noticing

We'll go out and have a ball. Now, you must excuse me. Cynthia is waiting.

Sarge, what'll I do? What'll I do? Keep yourself busy, baby.

Press your skirt. Give yourself a facial.

Shave.

John, I can't tell you how glad I am you talked me into coming down to Miami

Beach. I can't tell you how glad I was when your folks wired that they wouldn't

be home this week.

I mean... Look,

John, a copy of Miami Life. All the exciting places to go and things to do.

we're really going to have ourselves a wing ding.

Look, John. What is it? A picture of Sergeant Bilko.

That doesn't surprise me. John, he's married.

Married? Let me see that.

Sergeant and Mrs. Bilko, honeymooners at the Rona Plaza.

What do you know? Bilko married.

I wonder if she's pretty.

Oh, you can't tell from... Vilco married.

Why, that sly old dog.

Imagine him keeping it a secret.

Oh, I think it's wonderful.

I can't wait to see his wife.

Neither can I.

Now, I've got an idea.

Let's go see the lovebird. Shall we call first? No, let's surprise him. Oh, come

on.

Yes.

Congratulations, Vilco. Vilco, happy for you.

Vilco, you old... rascal snuck off and got married without a word to anybody.

You know you were supposed to get permission from your colonel. Well, I

freely and retroactively.

Who's the lovely girl, Dodger?

She... I told you it wouldn't be the same, Bilko. Look at him. Still in a

Now, John, don't tease him. Don't tease me.

We're going to meet the little woman. What? What? What? She's taking a shower.

Well, we'll wait.

We've just got to meet her. She takes forever with her showers.

We'll tell her we're here. Yes. Maybe she'll hurry this time. I'll tell her

you're here.

Darling, Colonel Hall is here. Come on out, Mrs. Bilko.

What?

I bought a sugar plum.

Bilko married.

I just can't believe it.

I must have her over for tea as soon as we all get back to Port Baxter. Oh, I'm

sure she'd be thrilled.

Bilko, I... I must say I'm pleased.

I was sure that once you hit Miami Beach, you wouldn't waste any time

mixed up in some wild shenanigans. No, sir. Never again, sir. Tell us about

wife, Sergeant Bilko.

Mrs. Hall, you wouldn't believe it.

Sugar cake, won't you hurry?

What? Oh, that's a good idea, dear. She says, why don't we meet her later so she

can get dressed properly? She's having a little trouble with her hair. Well,

maybe I can help her. No!

We'll have dinner together. You and Dinah will be our guests. Oh, what a

celebration. Well, I'll tell her.

Child bride, we're having dinner with the colonel and his wife.

Seven o 'clock at our hotel. Yes, well, we're staying at the Algiers. Well, I

know where it is.

Oh, we'll be waiting.

Well, it's well.

Pretty soon, Bilko, the patter of little feet.

Colonel was here, I fainted.

What are you going to do?

What can I do? My wife and I will have to have dinner with the colonel. But

Sarge, he'll recognize me. He'll look at my hair. Not you. I've got to find a

dame I can pass off as my wife. Somebody that'll shock him right out of the

skin.

Well, he'll be all right in time. This is my beloved Colonel Hall and his wife,

Mrs. Hall. This is my little bride, Dinah.

How do you do? How do you do? Hello, kid.

Ah, what do you say?

Waiter. Those hot showers made her thirsty.

What would you like to have, dear? Yes, sir. You know how to make a...

Yeah, it's a shot of bourbon, a shot of gin, a shot of brandy. And with an

olive. I'll have the same. She knows how to order.

She's a bartender.

And a smiley little joint downtown.

Won't you join us?

No, thanks. We're having a little sherry.

Sherry? You must work and you get lover boys. Two powerhouses. Are you still

here? Move, man, move.

Don't mention food till I've had four or five drinks. Oh, yes, I forgot.

Mrs. Bilko, I hope you love living in Roseville.

That hick town.

Hi,

Tony. Tony who?

Oh, stop being so jealous. I used to be married to him.

Married to him?

He was my fourth husband.

Nothing.

It's about time. Where'd you have to go for these? Canada?

What do you want to taste?

No, thanks. I have my sherry. I've never tasted a powerhouse before.

That's a great drink.

Two of them. and you get the shock of your life.

Don't I, Ollie?

Oh, boy.

Give me your big one. Oh, darling, you promised.

There he goes again.

Look, kiddo, you want to get along, stop trying to reform me. Diana, you're

embarrassing me. Well, that's just too bad. I suppose I'm not good enough for

your fancy friends or something. I didn't say that. Well, if you want to be

alone... Ah, whatever.

Don't do this to me. Oh, Dinah, sweetie pie, sugar pie. I've had it, you moe.

I'm sick and tired of you mooning over me.

Here, take your ring. Oh. Hey, Tony, wait for me.

Don't. Goodbye, cutie.

She's gone.

She's gone.

There,

there, Bill Coy.

My blue bird of happiness has flown out the window.

Oh, there's something out of my boy. You find someone else. Oh, there's nobody

like Dinah.

Oh, you said it.

Oh, I must go after her. Bill Coy, listen.

You made a mistake.

She's nothing but a fruiting.

Your sergeant's pay won't even keep her in whiskey. Oh, but you don't know her,

sir.

She's a wonderful mixer.

I'll say bourbon, gin, and brandy.

I must follow her, sir.

Bill Coe, attention!

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry to have to do this.

I'm canceling your leave.

But, sir, it's my husband. Bill Coe, you'll thank me for the rest of your

But return to Fort Baxter at once. Is that an order, sir?

That's an order. Yes, sir.

We were going to be so handy.

Clarissa's winning the Academy Award.

Hi, Dino.

What are you doing? I'm burning my anti -blank. I'm through with contests

forever. Look, Dino. Look, if you don't mind, let's keep a private paparelli in

Sergeant Bilko, okay?

Dino. I'm finding a new enterprise, so I get ten days in the stuffy hotel room.

Dino, I'll have to try to make it up to him. Stand up!

Yep!

At ease, men.

Good afternoon, sir.

How you feeling, Bilko? Still carrying a torch?

Torch? You know, Dinah. Somebody call me?

No.

As a matter of fact, we were just burning the annulment papers.

I hope this will be a lesson to you, Bilko. Oh, yes, sir.

It's one honeymoon I'll never forget.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.