Original subtitles

Mr. Metcalfe, I'm sorry to see you. A civilian?

Yes. Probably a complaint against Belko. We ought to start a new department.

Oh, yes, might as well.

Mr. Metcalf, would you come in, please? Colonel Hall. Yes, Mr. Metcalf. Colonel,

I'm afraid I've got some very unpleasant news.

Go ahead. I expected it. I've come to inform you that Mr. Peter Yates of

Memphis, Tennessee, has just passed away. I represent his estate.

Yeah. Now, his will provides that $5 ,000 should go to his closest relative.

That always burns me up, Mr. Metcalf. A man works all his life to save a little

nest egg, and then somebody who's never done anything to deserve it gets the fun

out of spending it.

Well, which one of my men is it?

It's not one of your men, Colonel. It's you.

Was that $5 ,000? Yes. You're his second cousin, twice removed.

Poor Bates.

Yes, not Bates.

You saved $5 ,000?

In cash.

He didn't believe in banks.

He must have been a wonderful man.

What do I tell now?

She'll be very upset.

Well, I won't take up any more of your time, Colonel, if you'll just sign this

receipt. Of course.

Five thousand dollars.

What a shame. Four banks.

Well,

goodbye, Colonel. I'm sorry to have been the bearer of such unpleasant tidings.

Well, Mr. Metcalf, into each life a little rain must fall.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Eighty -five cents.

85 cents is the best you guys could do?

What a disgrace.

I won't be able to show my face in Roseville.

And with what you owe in town, you better stay out of there. Why don't you

take a lesson from the squirrels? They put a little something aside.

Money.

Money? We actually get whenever there's a lot of loose money around. It's like

radar. Now it's working for 85 cents. It must be out of order. Who cares for

this chicken feed?

It's coming in stronger.

I haven't had a reaction as big since I drove past Fort Duck.

Keep it all through the post.

Everybody's broke. It's like a disaster area.

Oh, I tell you. Some poor fool came into a lot of money just waiting to give it

to me.

Who? Who?

Ritzig. Didn't he collect money from an accident? That's right. He had a great

case. He was hit by a police car across the street.

Uh -huh. We better get to him before his wife does.

Ah, Mr.

Ritzig. The poet of the pots and pans.

Shut up, Bilko. I'm working on a birthday cake. Birthday? My, isn't it

magnificent? Oh, excuse me.

Aren't there two P's in happy?

You're kidding.

No, I'm sure I'm right.

I have to do it again.

What does he have me expect you to be, a college graduate?

But does it matter as long as you're rich? That's right. What's the

What are you doing standing so soon after your accident? Get him something

sit on. Oh, it doesn't bother me much. It doesn't bother him. It says that

struck down by a reckless police squad car, and all he says is, doesn't bother

me much.

Well, I suppose they settled.

Oh, yeah. Out of court.

Out of court.

Oh, dear.

Let me help you. You're struggling with that.

You know, I heard of a story where it was a schoolteacher tripped on the bus.

She got $500.

That's funny. Just the other day, I read about a guy fell in an open manhole. He

got $1 ,000. Really?

How did you do, Rupert? Oh, not bad.

Not bad. I gave the cops $15 to fix their fender, and I was... You paid

Oh, they had me on a jaywalking rack.

You... Sarge.

Yeah. Wake me up.

Oh, the robot company's here.

What makes you think Grover's got money?

Listen to me. Remember he said he was going to sell his car? I guarantee you

sold his car. Stick with me. You'll get rich with this twitch.

Hi, Ernie. Boy, was this a lucky day for me. Lucky, pal?

I bet you sold your car. Yeah, boy, what a price.

What do you think that old heap of mine was worth?

$500?

$500? I got... 900!

Get some chairs.

You know, you know what's that medical again?

Okay, right now. Wait, wait!

Wait,

you haven't heard the best part.

There's more.

Get some chairs. Well,

will you? Will you, chair?

That's what this diamond ring is worth.

Diamond ring? I'm going to propose a Gladys tonight.

Ernie, here's the chair.

Thank you. Sarge!

4 ,001, 4 ,002, 4 ,003, four bates.

I mean, yay.

What's the pulse alarm?

Maybe it's time to post. The minute I turn in these morning reports, we'll

the search.

Good morning, Edna, my sweet. Oh, what do you want, Philco? Just the morning

reports. Is my colonel in? Just leave them on my desk. The colonel is busy.

There you are, my sweet.

You get lovelier.

My, what a fat bag.

Is that yours, Edna? Would you mind holding it up just a minute, please?

what are you doing? Just testing.

Any reaction?

Yeah.

What have you got in that bag, Edna? My lunch.

She's off the beat.

No, I'm going to get down and post you something.

Wait a minute. Sergeant Pendleton at Watermaster.

Didn't he buy a sweet steak ticket? Sold. Aha. Come on.

Edna, will you tell Captain Barker I'll be a little late for the staff meeting?

I'm tired of... Yes, sir. You're in the army now.

What's the matter? I know, but I'm twitching all over. Should I get a

No, no. It's here.

We'd better make sure. Let's go outside. Right.

Get loose.

You're not behind the plow. You'll never get rich.

Who says so?

Oh, Colonel Sloan. I wonder where it came from. I don't care where it came

I just want to know where it's gone.

You called, sir?

Ed, will you do me a favor?

Yes, sir. Oh, this money. I had a stroke of luck.

Oh, I mean, a very dear relative of mine passed away and left me $5 ,000.

Congratulations, sir.

Thank you.

Say, will you see that a couple of MPs get this to the bank for me and deposit

it in my name? Armed MPs. Yes, sir.

$5 ,000.

Oh, I'd like to get my hands on that. Ernie, forget it. The Colonel? You

wouldn't dare. Oh, you jerks. I don't want to steal it. I just want to wave it

around a while.

Wave it around?

Yeah, imagine what that would do to my standing if my creditors in town thought

that money was mine.

Yeah, but how are you going to get the money?

Ernie, that's a very dangerous crime.

It's very risky, Sarge. You could get in a... Come here!

You go for two MPs, ma 'am? Yes. Sir Hall wants to take me to the Roseville

National Bank and deposit it in his account. Yes, ma 'am. Be very careful

it. It's money. We'll guard it with our lives, ma 'am. All right, Corporal. I

got you covered.

Gotcha. Ten bucks across the board. Speed print. Fort Hialeah. You got it. I

planting it, old buddy. Put it there. You put it there, Bilko. The 120 bucks

owe me for the last six months. Six months? Why, it only seems like a few

Seems like a year. Get it off, Bilko. That's why I'm here.

You have to pay me?

Open, specify.

Oh, he's small.

Well, I'll just pay you and get it over with. I don't like your methods. I don't

like being hounded by creditors. Now, how do you want this?

Do you want this small bill? Do you want this large bill? How do you want it?

Just name it. I have them all here. Now, what do you want?

What's your hurry? You know your credit's always good with me. No, no, I

like your attitude lately. I want to pay you now and get it over with. Yeah, of

course. I don't want your money. You can pay me any time. I insist that you take

this. Please, Ernie.

All right.

I don't like your methods at all, especially on the street. When I walk

people, you grab me. Where's my money? Where's my money? I don't want that

from you. Cheapy like a hood. Who? Who? Where's the money? You? You? I don't

want these hot tactics anymore. That's understood, isn't it? Don't worry,

It'll never happen again. Now, you see that it doesn't.

Fix yourself up. I hate doing business with a slob.

Well, it's splendid.

You sure this is the latest thing? This is what Cary Grant is wearing? It's the

latest thing. All my wealthy customers are getting it. All right, let your

needle fly.

I still can't get over it, Sergeant Pilko. You thought I was angry with you

because you owed me 300 for two years.

I mean, all those letters, that's a fee. My stupid accountant.

I'm getting rid of it. Now, you will have the household jacket and the

coat ready by Friday?

Well, that's a little fast. But I mean, I thought Friday... Of course, I'll put

an extra man on. Good, well, I'll just take these swatches with me so I... Oh,

hardly have any room. Look.

Let me pay you now. Don't bother. I'll mail you the money. Oh, look.

Your accountant.

Don't fire him. He's just not used to dealing with rich people. Thank you.

you, Sergeant.

Money gone.

Good morning.

If I got a live one, you won't believe this, but there's a soldier running

around in Roseville with a suitcase full of money.

Yeah. Just a chance to make a killing.

No. No, he's too clever for me. I need help.

Let's see how soon can Joy the dealer get to town.

Fine. Come to meet me in my office as soon as he can.

Well, now that you understand my method, I've covered all my creditors in town,

and now I'll put the colonel's money back in the bank. Nobody was hurt. It's

mink coat bid. The mink coat bid? Yeah, when a dame borrows another dame's mink

coat so she can make an impression. When she's still making her impression, she

gives back the coat.

All I did was borrow the colonel's mink coat.

I've got to hand it to you, Ernie. Your goodness, down for another five years.

It's a deposit slip, sir.

This is a strange feeling. First time I ever came in a bank to make a deposit.

$5 ,000.

All right, let's get in line.

Oh,

hello, Mr. Hartree.

Say, I got those pictures back from my vacation. Yeah, yeah, some other time,

huh, Tom? I want to deposit this $3 ,000 right away.

Gee, another killing in the market, Mr. Hartree? Yes, and I want this deposit to

cover a check I'm writing this afternoon.

I got another tip.

You should have been lucky in the market.

It isn't luck at all. I don't take any chances. I got inside information.

Well, here's your book, Mr. O 'Reilly.

Oh, Tom.

You want to make a little money for the wife and kids?

Put everything you got on international plutonium. International plutonium.

It's going to double by this afternoon.

I'll make a bundle.

You're next, sir.

Excuse me just a minute. O 'Reilly, what are you doing?

Don't let me do this rash thing. Even though that guy said international

plutonium was a sure thing. Don't let me do this. Stop me.

Yes, even though he said that it was double, and even though he could have

general's money back by three o 'clock, I have five thousand dollars for myself.

Don't let me do this thing. Stop me. We're stopping you, Sarge. Come on,

make out a new deposit slip. Yeah, new deposit slip. Thank you. I certainly do

appreciate this. Oh, what did you say the name of that stock was?

International plutonium.

Don't let me do this. Even though everybody here is investing in

international... Don't let me do this. Stop me. Even though it's the first time

I ever had money to put down on a sure thing. Don't let me do this. Stop me.

Ernie, listen. It's only a tip. Even a guy like that. A bank president.

Even he could make a mistake.

That's right.

He's only human. He can make a mistake.

You can let go of me. I'm all right. All right. Thank you.

A bank president.

Ernie!

$20 a share.

Right. Mr. Hornsby, I've got you 200 shares of international plutonium at $20

share. Thanks a lot.

Hello, Simpson fee, AT &T.

I think I'd get you some.

Why, certainly.

Tiny, please, think. Think, that's the Colonel's money. You're taking such a

chance. You're so right. I must be out of my mind. Let's get out of here.

Don't you understand? I'm merely using the Colonel's money to make money. It's

free enterprise.

Surprise. Sir, can I see your money, please? Yes, soldier. What can I do for

you? We're interested in international plutonium. Now, what is this? Not quoted

as, please. The last quotation was $20 a share. How much can I put you down for?

$20 a share at $5 ,000 will come to 250 shares.

All right, soldier. Excuse me a minute. My partner and I want to talk this over

a minute. Honey, what are you doing?

I don't know. I'm going to speak out of my pocket.

I can't even afford to take the slightest chance.

Let's get out of here.

How much of a chance?

All right. If you have to, you have to. Well, why don't you just buy a couple of

shares and we'll build from there?

I like that kind of thing. We'll buy small and build big.

I'll make sure you're a vice president.

Sir? I'd like to buy two shares of International Petroleum. I believe you

it was $20 a share. I did, but now it's up to $25.

You mean one of five points while we were talking?

That means I lost $1 ,250.

Be quiet. I'm handing it in from now on. $5 ,000 worth of International

Petroleum at $25.

Why me?

No, no, don't talk to me now.

Ernie, will you please stop making my move? I don't want to listen to you.

Ernie, who do you think you are? Look, if Bernard Baruch listened to you, he'd

still be sitting on that clock bench. Please, please stop making my move.

you've got it.

There's your receipt. Thank you very much. Where is your ticket paper? You

to watch it grow.

It's right over there.

Hey, you do business in a splendid way. I like you. You're going to do all my

business.

International plutonium.

Fifty. That's it, Ernie. We doubled our money. That's $10 ,000. Now let's sell.

Not a chance. Not a chance. I'm not going to sell it. It's going to be $100

,000. Ernie, please sell and get the colonel's money back to the bank. All

right, shut up. We'll open our own bank. But the colonel. I'll buy you a

colonel. Nothing's going to stop me now.

Nothing in the national plutonium. Look, I went down to 48.

You don't understand mostly, do you? That's a slight fluctuation. That's to

drive the bulls after the bears. Don't you know?

They want me to do. That's what we want you to do. No, no chance. That's for the

suckers. I'm staying in. The sky's the limit. Yes, thank you.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I've just had a call. The ticket's a half hour behind.

Standard Steel is now 117, International Plutonium 32.

Hurry, come with us. Don't worry.

We want it for sale.

Much like for sale. We want it for sale. 200 shares of International Plutonium

at 32, please. We want it for sale. 6 ,000 dollars. Just put it right in here,

please. 6 ,000 dollars? Thank you very much.

The company isn't even worth that anymore. The bottom dropped out of

International Plutonium. Right now you're stocked with 200 dollars.

Ruin. Do you want to sell or hold on?

Is there any chance of it going up again? Well, I wouldn't be surprised in

year or two after they reorganize the company.

A year or two?

I've got to have the money by three o 'clock this afternoon. That's when

I'm going to level with you. That money belonged to a widow in Orphan's Home. I

wanted to surprise him with a swimming pool. You see, I'm a trustee. And then

Dad got sick. He was going to donate all this money, but then I meant well. Look

here. I suggest that you take this $300 and put it where it belongs.

In a savings bank.

Savings bank? That's what got me here, a savings bank.

My friend, I asked you, I pleaded with you, I said stop me. Hold me. But would

you hold me? I asked you. Now you hold me. Now you hold me.

I always like to see a man open a savings account, Sergeant

Bilko. How much do you want to start with? Two hundred dollars.

A fine beginning.

I'll just enter it here in your nice new bank book.

And here you are. Oh, my very own bank. Good. Well, sir, now that I'm a

depositor, I would like to discuss making a small loan.

Certainly. You have a collateral of $200. How much would you like to borrow?

just a little something to cover some small bills. $5 ,000.

Here. Give me that bank book. Don't you try to put any money in this bank again.

Well, perhaps $5 ,000 is too much. Let's make it $4 ,800.

Ouch! Get out of here!

Very well.

I don't like doing business with a shaking bank anyway. Who knows what goes

here in the late afternoons when your shades are down. Come in.

Ernie, I can't take it no more. What are we going to do? We've got one hour to

get $5 ,000. Just one hour. What are we going to do? Where am I going to get it

in an hour? Where? Where do I get it? I'll charge you solely. You shouldn't

charge. I'll go to the colonel and confess.

Oh, splendid.

I'll just go to the colonel and say, sir, I'm sorry. I lost your $5 ,000 in

stock market. It'll never happen again. What are you, insane?

Ernie. I'm in the bank. Let's hold it up. It's hard.

It's hard. I'll pay back the money.

Watch out. It pays $5 ,000 an hour. I don't stand it. Watch out. What?

Can't you help me? What am I telling you? Don't shout.

You got it. I got it.

Everybody in town thinks I got money. Am I right? They were quick to extend me

credit. What's going to stop them from giving me a few loans, huh? Money goes

money. What?

I think the bookmaker must be good for a couple of pieces. The tailor. I came up

with it. Get it deposited.

They thought they had me.

That's the way it is.

at Adamopolis with all my money tied up in blue -jip stocks.

I find myself in need of a little petty cash, you know, to the dividends, but

you understand, you, you, you know how it is with us coupon clippers.

Well, I'd like to help you out, Wilco, but I just put in a new deep freeze.

Hey, why don't you sell a few shares of stock?

You know what they say, Wilco, you can't take it with you.

He was the last one. We couldn't find Patsy, the bookmaker. The tailor had

nothing. We're dead.

What about the platoon? Did you try the platoon? The platoon, $5 ,000. Are you

dreaming? What am I going to do? What? What?

I'll shoot myself.

That's it. You're G .I. Insurer.

$1 ,000.

Well, then the Colonel will get $5 ,000 and you'll get $2 ,500 a piece.

Besides,

that would be the coward's way out.

I'll do the only honorable thing I can do.

What's that?

I'll leave town.

free until the colonel finds out his money wasn't deposited. But I gotta move

fast. But what about the colonel's money? Don't worry, he'll get back every

cent. I'll go to a town where nobody knows me. I'll get a job. I'll get a

of jobs. He'll get paid back every cent. Ernie, Ernie, that's gonna take years.

It's still the only decent thing I can do.

Gotta write him a letter. Here, here.

Write this down.

Put down, uh... Gotta make this real appealing. You know, I gotta appeal to

Put down, my dear Colonel Hall.

No, that's not very appealing. Put down, my darling Colonel Hall. Darling?

My dear Colonel Hall.

By the time you receive this letter, I will be far away.

And then Mrs. Hall and I might take a trip to Honolulu.

She's always wanted to go there.

And now that I can see my way clear, I think that'll be one of the first things

we'll do.

Sounds wonderful, Colonel. Well, fortunately, we're both still young

enjoy it.

Gee, you now certainly need a going over, Mr. Simpson.

I know. I thought I'd chew them off at the office today.

Markets are down?

Not everything. Just one issue. International plutonium. I never saw

drop like that.

Many people get hurt?

Quite a few.

But one man really took a beating.

Sad part of it was he was a soldier.

Soldier? Did he lose much?

Well, I guess $5 ,000 is a lot to a soldier.

$5 ,000?

And in cash.

When I told him about his loss, I could see tears behind his glasses.

Biltlow. It's got to be Biltlow.

How did he get a hold of my money?

Empty! It's all right, dear Colonel. As the next West Point man, I know you will

show tolerance and patience. And I plead with you, be calm.

Be patient.

I will pay back every penny I owe you.

Sincerely, Ernest Bilgo.

Sarge.

Sarge, that's a beautiful letter.

Be sure the Colonel gets that on his desk by three o 'clock this afternoon.

By that time, I should be gone. I'm glad you could make a choice. It's going to

be a pleasure to see this guy taken. Well, where's the pigeon?

Over there with the glasses.

And you see that case?

That's it.

What's he doing with the MPs? With all the loot he's carrying around, they're

guarding him.

Well.

So long.

Farewell, dear Snakebid. Place of many memories.

Place of fun and... Sarge. He's coming back.

Somebody in this room's got money. Who in this room's got money? Hiya, bilko

buddy boy. I want you to meet a friend.

Hello, friend.

If you wasn't doing that, Joey and me thought maybe like a little action.

Action? How much action? How much? Whatever you got in that case. How about

little poker? Poker.

Poker? Come on, over to my place.

No, no, no. Don't hold me now. Don't hold me now. It's all right. It's all

right. What should I do with the letter? Abandon it. Burn it. Thank you. Thank

you.

Are you sure? Didn't those two MPs bring you the deposit slip? No, sir. Well,

they must have. Maybe it's on my desk here. Did you check with the bank?

I'm afraid to, but it's a good idea. Get them on the phone. Yes, sir.

It doesn't have to be Bilko.

It could be any soldier with glasses.

Why must I always think it's Bilko?

It's Bilko.

Oh, now it's hell off, sir.

So that's how you did it, Bilko.

You got your two henchmen to get my money for you.

Bilko, this time you've gone too far.

Too far.

Sir, I don't understand. You don't understand. All right, you men.

Where is my money?

But, sir, I saw them depositing your money myself. Surely they brought you a

deposit slip. Oh, yes, they did.

Hello? Get me to Provo, Marshal. Why, George?

Here's the deposit slip right there, sir. Hello?

Provo, Marshal. I want you to pick up three men for a deposit for an account

John T. Hall.

Never mind.

I checked with the bank, sir. They received your deposit.

Yes, yes. Yes, I know.

Oh, I'm beginning to see what...

Sir, surely you didn't think these two fine boys would possibly... No, no, of

course not, Bilko.

It just happened to overhear somebody in the barbershop say that they saw a man,

a soldier with glasses, in a stockroom.

And in the evidence, you're connected with me, sir?

Delete, Bilko. You were ready to accuse me? I don't want to see this again. You

thought for one moment that I, your loyal sergeant, could commit... larceny?

Sir!

Could you possibly accuse me of something so vile a year as I've served

sir? You've been like a father to me, sir.

Well, sir, I'll continue serving you, but there's something gone, sir. I'll

serve you with these hands and this head.

But my heart is wounded, sir.

Oh, my kind of...

You were great. You were great. Oh,

you never worry about the old side.

Also seen in tonight's show were Henry Lasko as Animopolis, Joey Ross as

Sergeant Ritzik, Paul Lipson as Patsy, Ray Schrag as the tailor, and John

as Mr. Simpson.