Original subtitles

General Bertram Whitney, United States Army retired, World War II hero, and

President of Consolidated Industries.

will be host to some of his former regiment mates this coming weekend at

Whitney Estate.

Have the invitations gone out yet? No, dear. I want to check the guest list

you once more. Oh, good. Now, let me see. Oh, here we are.

General Barnett. Oh, of course. Good old Tom.

General Gruder.

By all means, yes.

Colonel Hall.

Jack Hall, the Fort Baxter. Yes, I heard you, my dear. Go on.

I was just thinking of old Melonhead. Who?

Jack Hall.

He was the character of the old 33rd Regiment.

I wonder what old Melonhead is up to these days.

Gentlemen, tonight we launch Operation Moonbeam.

We're dealing with a crafty and ruthless foe.

But if Operation Moonbeam succeeds, I will have achieved a victory that has

eluded Army commanders from Germany to New Guinea.

I'll have smashed Bilko's gambling activity.

According to our intelligence reports, enemy activity can be expected from any

of these points.

Bilko's room, naturally.

The gun shed.

The furnace room.

The grease pit in the motor pool.

And the basement of this installation here.

Not there, sir. He wouldn't.

Oh, yes. But when you're ready, be quiet. So as not to disturb the

I suppose they have sentries posted. Yes, and they must be overwhelmed before

they can give warning.

Once inside, follow the scorched earth policy.

I want everything burned.

Cards, dice, roulette wheels, everything.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir. Very well. Then let's synchronize our watches.

It's exactly 1 ,500.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Dear diary, on the eve of battle, I am strangely

calm.

This is the ultimate victory.

Hulk, we're out of here, Sarge. And the winner is...

Number 12.

Nobody on it. Wait a minute. I win. I win. I had number 12. You had number 12.

What did you have on it? My wallet.

Your wallet? Yeah. As long as we're betting leather. Give him a shoe. Get

All right. Here we go.

There

you

are, Bill Cole.

All right, men, confiscate all gambling equipment.

Gambling equipment? Oh, there must be some mistake, sir. This is merely

recreational equipment, sir.

It's a travel set.

Yes. No,

sir, I'll admit, it is a roulette reel, sir, but I was teaching the men battle

tactics in the round. The little white ball represents... All right, save your

breath, Belko. You've got everything, men. Yes, sir. Six decks of cards, three

paradise, and two boxes of poker chips. And this.

This stuff was planted here, sir. I could have... All right, let's go, men.

Well, sir, I protest.

But weary soldiers can't indulge in a little innocent merriment without the

government stepping in. I may say... Sarge, how did they get in here without

Zimmerman seeing them? I don't know, but I'm about to find out.

Zimmerman! Maybe he fell asleep. You can't trust him. You give him a...

Zimmerman, what happened?

They mean business. They got MPs all over the place. Well, I guess that means

more gambling, huh, Sarge? Never. I've just begun a fight.

Now, look, tomorrow, here's what we do. Come on. I'll tell you what we do. We

get all the friends lined up.

Zod!

Come on, Ritzy. Are you in or out?

You'll be in.

Here comes Ritzy.

Ernie, you sure you got the door locked?

Don't worry. It's locked. It's locked.

Okay. Who opened?

Not me. I can't. I pass.

Pass. Out. Okay.

I open for two dollars.

It was an amazing look he gets every time he deals.

Open up, Philco. We know you're in there.

You guys know what to do. Come on, sir.

And so, gentlemen, we just add a dash of salt with a soup side of pepper. All

right, Philco, break that up. We know you're gambling.

Gambling? Well, sir, this is our regular Wednesday evening cooking class under

the guidance of that master chef.

Sergeant Ritzig, sir. I sympathize.

What are you making, Sergeant Ritzig? Oh, it's a wonderful culinary thing he's

stumbled on, sir. It's a dish fit for a king. Or a queen. Or a tack. All right.

The captain knows card tricks. I didn't think those cards would be so smart.

Quiet, Bilko. Quiet. All right, men. Disperse them. Come on. Get out. Come

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Now, listen, Bilko. Why don't you get wise? The colonel is cracking down. No

more gambling on the boat.

Gambling, sir. Does the cooking class constitute gambling? All right. Come on.

Sir, I... All right. Ten more.

I see you.

And I raise your test.

You're safe.

What do you got?

Four pieces.

All right. All right.

Reasonable week. Five.

This is the third night in a row, Vilco. You might as well give up. Never, sir.

I will never stop testing these gas masks.

Vilco, you were playing poker in there.

Poker? Oh, thank heaven I have a witness, sir.

Mullen, were we playing poker?

Yes.

Yes, Vilco.

Then this is a real leader. This is no armchair, officer.

This is not a field of battle or testing dangers. Quiet, Bilko. No, I can't keep

quiet, sir. I must give credit where credit is due. I'm proud.

Quiet, Bilko.

Now, you listen to me. Yes, sir. There is to be no gambling of any kind on this

post. This is war, Bilko.

You're so licked, sir.

Yeah, but what kind of a soldier are you? We're never licked. Rocco, tomorrow

night we rendezvous at X2.

The shower room? Yes. And, Rocco, you tell everybody, hence. You understand?

Get me the plastic waterproof card.

Be careful who you talk to. There's obviously a stool pigeon amongst us.

on.

All right, everybody out.

And turn off that hot water.

All right, you guys, let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Cossacks. We didn't even get a chance to get started. Poor Doberman, he took a

shower for nothing.

The colonel means business. So?

Let me think. Let me think.

This is murder.

Saturday night is payday.

We ain't got no place to run the game.

There's got to be a place. There must be.

Come in.

How about the isolation ward?

What? That's the kind of woman he's always talking about.

I ain't got enough trouble, though. I've got to answer stupid questions. Please,

Sarge. It's important.

All right. It was the 33rd Regiment. Leave me alone.

Oh, boy. What a break. Now I can visit my family.

Well, that makes sense. See?

Sarge, here's a paper my family always sends me from Chicago.

See here where it says about the 33rd Regiment reunion?

Now I can drive the colonel to Chicago and see my family at the same time. It's

a miracle. A miracle!

A miracle. I don't get it. Don't you get it? With this reunion, the colonel will

be off the post for the weekend.

So? So, when the cat's away, the dice will play.

Are you kidding me? The 33rd wouldn't hold their reunion without our

colonel. They're going to want a man there with forcefulness. A man who

them of progressive thinking.

Right. I'd better check first thing in the morning, see if he's invited.

Good morning, sir.

What is it, Bilko?

Unconditional surrender, sir. I give up. And may I compliment you, sir? I've

never seen a campaign carried off with such smoothness and precision since the

Normandy beachhead, sir. Like clockwork, Bilko.

Now that there's to be no more gambling, I trust you'll take a more active

interest in your motor platoon.

Oh, yes, sir. As a matter of fact, this afternoon I'm having your staff car

overhauled, sir.

Well, it was just over a hole two weeks ago. Well, sir, I figured, why take a

chance with mechanical difficulties on that long trip you're going to take this

weekend? Long trip? It's only a mile and a half to Roseville.

My wife and I are going to the movies there Saturday night.

That is, if it's all right with you.

Well, what a... Aren't you going?

Have a good time, sir.

I'm getting confused.

General Whitley didn't invite the colonel to the reunion.

Why not?

Why, because he's a snob, that's why, and I'm not going to stand for it. Take

telegram.

Senator, General Bertrand Whitley, Consolidated Industry, Chicago,

put down, Dear General, no, no, make that, Dear B .W., no, not B .W., say,

Bert, Arriving Chicago Saturday, naturally looking forward to seeing you.

Signed, Jack Hall.

Let me see him get out of that.

I don't see how we can get out of it, Cornelia. We'll have to invite them.

Dear, won't an ordinary colonel bring down the tone the whole weekend?

Well, it can't be helped. It's just an unfortunate coincidence that he should

passing through Chicago at our planned disreunion. Oh, Bertram.

But where am I going to put them?

How about one of the mage rooms?

Oh, very well.

Say, send them a note with the invitation.

Say, um, dear Melonhead.

No, you better change that.

Dear Jack.

Looking forward to seeing you again.

Send that off, dear. He may give us a laugh.

Ha! Old melon head.

I still can't believe it. Mel, I didn't think General Whitney even remembered

me. That's your whole trouble, dear. You're always underestimating yourself.

Why shouldn't he remember you?

Mel, it'll be fun seeing the old gang again.

Oh, yes.

Well, I must finish packing.

Oh, I'll get it, dear.

I'll be with you in a moment, dear.

Come in, Bilko.

Sir, your staff car is outside and Private Paparelli is at the wheel just

to go, sir. Fine, fine. Sir, we're all so happy for you. We know how much this

reunion must mean to you. And after all, General Whitney doesn't invite

everybody to his home, sir.

Yes, indeed.

I'll see you in a minute, Bilko. I've got to go in and do some packing. Yes,

sir. Okay.

Now, look, the minute the colonel goes...

I want the roulette table right here. Along the back door.

In the kitchen. Where will all the folk again?

In the colonel's house.

What better place? Who'll think of looking here? Maybe we shouldn't do it.

we should run the pink pontoon. Oh, let me help you with those bags.

Specific instructions.

There's to be absolutely no gambling on the post over this weekend. Oh, that

won't be necessary, sir. You see, this weekend is our ping -pong tournament,

sir. Well, I don't want any of your boys taking over while you're gone. You see,

Zimmerman was runner -up last year. We're all rooting him home this year

he's so little.

I'm born, sir?

Yes, I've decided to take you to Chicago with me.

But, sir, Paparelli's folks are in Chicago.

He's just so anxious to get there, sir, it'll break his heart.

Paparelli's going, too. You'll take turns driving.

Now, get these bags out in the car. I'll go get Mrs. Hall. But, sir, gambling is

the furthest thing... What did I do wrong? What happened? I planned

everything... Are you starting again?

Are you starting again?

But, you see, I have a brilliant mind.

Nobody's listening.

Was it here?

John, doesn't General Whitney have a lovely home? Yeah, there must be 30

here. Well, through all this, Paul, sir, there must be 130 rooms.

That's enough, Belko. Yes, sir. What time does the colonel want us to pick

up Sunday, sir? About six o 'clock. And don't get into trouble while you're in

Chicago, Belko.

Trouble's good heavens, sir.

Pat Riley's folks have been nice enough to invite me over for a pizza festival

today.

You too, Mrs. Hall. I know you'll be the most charming woman there, but please

save one dance for the colonel.

Thank you. Goodbye.

John, dear.

All the ladies will be so expensively gowned. Which dress do you think I

wear for dinner?

The blue one. Oh, do you think it's nice enough?

It certainly could be. It costs $17.

I can't wait to get home.

Nobody makes a pizza pie like my mother. And after the pizza festival, what?

What? What?

Girls? What else?

I tell you, there's something about Colonel Hall that makes me want to

I must admit, they are a rather droll couple.

Maybe it's that perpetual dazed expression on his face. Well, I feel

his wife. She's rather pretty, but oh, those frumpy little dresses she wears.

Oh, dear.

Say, I'd better get started and dress.

I guess he'll be arriving. He really better.

Hey, Sarge, they're talking about the colonel. Listen, they're laughing at

and it's my fault.

Well, come on, Sarge, there's nothing we can do about it now. Oh, yes, there is.

I'll make them change their tune.

Come on, help me get some of my clothes out of the car.

George! Good to see you again.

How are you, Bert? Fine, just fine.

Elizabeth, you're looking lovelier than ever. Oh, thank you, Bertram.

Cornelia's right over there.

Good, I'm dying to see her.

Well, I see Matthew and Tom. Who else is here?

George, I have a surprise for you. Huh?

Among our guests is Jack Hall. What? Not old man, Ed. I want to know.

Oh, John.

I'm looking forward to talking to him.

Yes? Begging your pardon, sir.

I'll see you later, Bert.

There's someone to see you in the library.

Who is it, Jeffrey? He didn't say, sir. And if I may say, sir, he's rather an

odd -looking individual.

Well, tell him to wait.

He said it was very urgent, sir.

Oh, very well.

You wanted to see me?

You are General Whitney?

Yes, yes, of course.

Yes, you are the one I stand for. Stand for? Who are you, anyway?

Keep your voice down.

For security reasons, I cannot depose my real identity.

However, you may refer to me as X -43.

You are slow, but you do catch on. Now, who

do you guess is the mastermind of Operation Moonbeam?

Operation Moonbeam?

Yes, he is the guiding genius of a crash program that will establish American

supremacy in outer space.

Who is he?

John Hall.

I'm sorry.

Swallow that paper.

I'm in.

Yes, I think you like this new insurance policy. Yes, Jeffries, what is it? You

see, I'm engaged.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Mrs. Whitney has been asking for you, sir.

Tell her I'll be along in a moment.

I don't think so.

We can't take chances.

Get rid of him. Get rid of him?

I've seen that face in his chamboune. Oh, I'm sure you're mistaken. I can vote

for him. Very well, if you want to take the responsibility.

But the colonel will be furious when he finds out.

John Hall.

I just can't believe it. He always seemed so, so... Go ahead, say it.

Yes, stupid. How dare you?

One of the top scientific military minds of our history, you call him stupid.

I'm sorry, I really... Well, I should think you would be.

Like George, if we had all listened to John Hall, we'd have been on the moon

years ago.

I think that he always did seem so profound.

Profound. I'll say profound.

Oh, I remember those debates at Princeton with Professor Einstein.

Hall worked with Einstein?

Oh, yes. I can still hear the professor discussing him at various times. He

would say, You

what?

I put him in the maid's room, but I haven't changed a large of quarters

immediately. Thank you, and let me caution you one more thing. When you

to your guest, give him no special treatment. Treat him like anyone else.

of course. One more precautionary measure.

You will remember that he's engaged in dark, dark secrets with the circles of

neurons. Not a word, I answer.

Now, shall I show you out?

I have ways.

Lord Tom Mack.

Baroness.

I wonder why Colonel Hall and his wife aren't down yet.

She's probably wondering which dress to wear, the gingham or the calico.

Oh, God, me and you, that's delicious.

Pardon me, madam, but there's a gentleman here to see you in the

Who is it? He didn't say, madam, but he said it was most urgent. Oh, very well.

Excuse me a moment.

Alouette, jante, alouette, alouette.

You wanted to see me? Oh, no, no, madame. I wanted to see your mother,

Whitney. But I am madame Whitney.

You? You are madame? Oh, madame.

You're American women. You are too sure. So, so young, so charming. Oh, really,

madame?

Oh, madame.

Oh,

madame.

If you will just sign the paper, I will be gone.

Sign what?

Oh, this is what you call the routine.

It merely gives me permission to use a picture of your house on the cover of

chic Parisian fashion magazine, if you will see. My home in a fashion magazine.

Home? Your home will become a shrine to all the star -conscious women of

America, and I say you may thank Mrs. Hall for this.

You mean Nell Hall?

Well, in Paris, we call her Fru -Fru. Fru -Fru?

She's introducing my new creation. Oh, yes.

It will be the essence of simplicity, not busy.

It takes the heart and one thinks, she will wear my gorgeous creation once and

then poof, poof. Yes.

Tomorrow she gives it away to a chambermaid or somebody.

She must be a man who's called very generous.

Oh, how could I have been so blind?

Come on. Oh, nothing.

Oh, well, if you'll sign the paper, I will run because Wally will be waiting.

Wally? Yes, the Duchess.

Oh, yes, I make the dresses for the Duchess and for Elsa. And I think,

you are wrong. They do not wear the low cut, but they want low, low, low. Can I

do that?

Well, au revoir, ma chérie, and I ask you for one more favor. Do not allow

anyone to steal a copy of the dress or the design, because you will not be in

America for another year. You will do this for me. Oh, but of course,

I am late. I am late.

Sounds like they're all in there.

Well, I guess we have to go in.

John, I just know this dress isn't fancy enough for the occasion.

Maybe it was a mistake coming here.

I feel out of place.

Oh, John, you sound very silly. You look very handsome.

But, Mel, every one of them has an important army post, and I'm in command

camp nobody ever heard of.

John, you sound perfectly ridiculous.

Anyway, it's too late to back out now.

You're right, dear.

I hope none of them remember that melonhead business.

Well,

let's get it over with.

Here they are at last!

All right, everybody!

For he's the jolly good fellow!

For he's the jolly good fellow!

Big of you to take time out to see us. We know how busy you are.

Busy? Operation Moonbeam.

Now, look, we know you don't want to talk about it, but we want you to know

you have our admiration for a job well done.

Well, it was nothing, really. I just don't like gambling.

And you're so right.

It's suicide gambling with our national security.

Jack, open up. Just about it. Oh, now, boys, don't let's pump him.

We'll learn all the details in good time.

Jack, I'd like a word with you.

Call me Jack.

Certainly, John.

Call me Bert.

Bert?

Jack, I want you to come down and look over the plant of Consolidated

Industries.

Why, I'd be glad to.

Bert? You see, running a big outfit like that is a tremendous job for just one

man. And it's so hard to get qualified.

Personnel, especially on the executive level.

do have a touch, you just can't mistake it. I'm familiar with Maboucher and

Balenciaga, but I always say there's just no one like Pierre Boudoir. I can't

get originals like that in Chicago.

Well, if you like it so much, I'll send you one as soon as I get back to

Roosevelt. Oh, thank you so much.

I'm lucky. Usually the chambermaid gets it.

Bill, guess what?

General Whitney just offered me a $25 ,000 a year position with Consolidated

Industries. Oh, John, I'm so proud of you. Are you going to take it? Well, I

don't know. The whole idea is so new.

I told Bert I'd think it over.

Bert? He calls me Jack.

Yes, Mrs. Hall? And General Whitney has offered Colonel Hall a most wonderful

executive position with his company, and they call each other Bert and Jack.

Isn't it exciting?

Oh, yes, it's splendid, Mrs. Horner.

Oh, Dino, I didn't figure on this. I can't let that happen. Why not?

Why not? The colonel and big business? Are you kidding?

In one week, he'll go from vice president to night watchman.

What about me? You want me to spend another eight years breaking in an

Oh, no siree, Bob.

I can't let the colonel get out of the army. I'll be with you in a minute,

Here he comes, Sarge. I don't mind.

Oh, yes, Paparelli. The minute the Colonel leaves Fort Baxter, I'm going to

things my way. What way is that, Sarge? A big way. But Operation Moon being out

of the way, I'm going to operate real big. I'm going to have direct lines for

all the major racetracks. That sounds good, Sarge. I'm going to do better than

that. I'm going to open our gambling facilities to the citizens of Roseville.

You think you'll get away with it? Why not?

They pay taxes. Why should they be bummed? Big. It's going to be big. Hey,

going to have the wax dressed as waitresses in net stockings. Yee -haw.

Yes, you do.

I've got to find an outdoor spot for the casino with a lot of sun in it.

I got it. Where?

Build it on the colonel's garden. The minute the colonel leaves the post, I'd

tear up all those silly flowers. Build a foundation. It's going to be fun, fun.

Action, action. All right, Pilko.

Colonel Holt, we were just discussing your new business opportunity. Isn't it

splendid, sir? Vilco! We hate to see you go because you've earned the admiration

of all the men at Fort Baxter. Vilco, quiet!

Yes, sir?

Vilco, I'm not going to stand by and let a camp along to the United States Army

be taken over by a mafia in khaki.

Vilco, I'm wise to you.

And now that I've got you on the run, I'm not retiring.

But, sir, what about your wonderful business opportunity?

The opportunity can wait. Fort Baxter is more important to me at the moment.

It isn't much, Bilko, but I love that camp.

And I'm not going to let you turn it into a carnival ground.

But really, sir... Never mind.

Get those bags into the car.

You thought you had it made, Bilko.

But this is one time your scheme didn't work.

Yes, sir.

Oh, that was close. We almost lost them. I've got to be more careful.

You are wonderful, sir. Now get the bags.

Get the bags. Get the bags. Move.

Move.

So seen in tonight's cast were Howard St.

John as General Bertram Whitney, Madeline Clive as Mrs. Whitney, Joey

Sergeant Ritzig, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Nick Saunders as Captain

Barker.