Original subtitles

I do not...

Julia, the boy isn't leaving us for good. He's only going into the army.

But he's never been away from home before.

Well, birds have to leave the nest. He'll be fine.

He should be here any minute. It's almost train time. Train time.

Taking him into that big world out there. Oh, there, Julia. Isn't it lucky?

being sent to Fort Baxter, and that's where his cousin Ernie is.

Cousin Ernie Bilko.

Oh, he was always such a darling boy.

I feel better already.

Well, good. Now, the minute Swifty gets on that train, I'll wire Ernie. Yes. You

wonder what's keeping Swifty. He ought to be here by now. Here I am, folks.

Where have you been, then? I'm sorry I'm late. I had to say my goodbyes. What

goodbyes? We're all here.

Well, I said goodbye to my rabbit and my chicken and my whore.

Oh, shut.

Papa, you do me a favor. What is it?

Say goodbye to my girl. Oh, yes, yes.

Now, Swifty, here's your ticket.

When the conductor comes, you make sure you give... Oh, never mind.

Uh -oh. I gotta go now.

Now, Swifty, I hope you aren't going to be unhappy in the army.

Well, if I am, Mom, I'll just quit and come on home. He's going to be all

Julia. Now, Swifty, when you get to Fort Baxter, you just do everything your

cousin Ernie tells you to. He's been in the army a long time.

Well, there's your train. Now go. Bye, Mom.

Help us, my right -hand man.

Do you know what the take was last week?

$0 .32.

No mumbles. Speak clearly. I want to hear those figures.

$4 .32.

$4 .32. We spend more money on corn for the bingo games.

What kind of a business are we running? Everything going out, nothing coming in?

We're sorry, Sarge. Sorry isn't enough.

You gotta get... What's with you, Rocco? You're letting the bottom fall out of

my car rental business.

I'm sorry, Sarge, but the colonel used his staff car this weekend.

He did?

You know I don't let the colonel use his car on weekends.

I do the best we can. The best ain't good enough.

Oh, I see you. Some of us have got it. Some of us haven't got it. And you guys

haven't got it. Or else I'd be getting it. Now, get out of here.

Telegram for you, Sarge.

Telegram?

Can they wire subpoenas?

I don't think so.

Maybe from somebody I know.

Can I collect? No. Can't be from anybody I know.

What do you know? What is it, Sarge? It's from my Uncle Fred.

It says your cousin Swifty has joined the army, will arrive at Fort Baxter

afternoon, signed Uncle Fred.

Another Bilko in Fort Baxter?

Swift, the old enough to join the army. Last time I saw him, he was only four

years old.

Another Bilko at Fort Baxter.

Another Bilko, for with the brilliance and cunning of you, he'll chip off the

old block.

It's like having another pair of hands.

Now I'll really be able to operate.

Together, we'll build an empire.

Today, Fort Baxter.

Tomorrow...

I feel very fit today. I feel fit. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The

birds are singing. It's good to be alive.

Here are the special orders on the new recruits coming to camp today, sir. Ah,

that's what we need in this camp.

Some new blood.

Ah, see, Andrews, Roberts, Cianelli, Cooper, Simmons, Bilko, Donovan, Snyder.

Bilko? Lieutenant, what's that name?

Tell me I'm wrong.

Bilko. Private Swiffington Bilko.

Just a coincidence.

Probably not related at all. In some parts of the country, the name Bilko

be just as common as Smith or Jones.

Isn't that right, Lieutenant?

I can't. It's his cousin.

Another Bilko.

And they say lightning doesn't strike twice.

Hey, Fender, you got some spring?

Don't bother me now. I got my hands full with this mattress.

I got to get my money sewed up in here before Bilko's cousin comes.

Another Bilko. The camp won't be safe.

What do you mean, the camp?

The world won't be safe.

Before it closes, I want to send everything I got home. That's a good

Well, I got nothing to worry about. I'd like to see Bilko's cousin find it now.

What'd you do? I buried my money on the second base on the ball field. On the

ball field?

That's where they drill the new recruits.

I'll be back.

Aren't you going to hide your money?

I did. You did? Where'd you hide it?

In my shoe.

In his shoe? But that's no good.

It's the first time he changes his socks.

What am I saying?

Of course, you don't think I'm going to have my cousin sleeping out here with

you a riffraff, do you?

What is this? You're running a rummage sale? Why don't you get your life?

I got it.

I hid my money under the sink and I don't think anybody's...

a mattress for that cot. Don't get me a crummy one like this. Get me a Sealy, an

Airfoam. I don't want... Fender, you should know by now there's a better

to hide your money than that.

I've got new recruits here.

Come on, it's too late.

Swifty is here. From now on, it's Philclinville. Come on in, men. All

This is your way home. All right. All right. Look at that, men.

Welcome, men. At ease.

This is a historic moment. Face to face with my cousin, Swifty. I see him there.

I'd recognize him anyplace. Hello, Swifty boy.

This is your cousin, Ernie, baby.

It's not Swifty, sir. It's Private Donald Worth.

Oh, yeah, I should have known. He hasn't got that bilko chin. There's a

distinction. I see him.

Right in the head of the line where he figures to be. Look at those broad

shoulders. Look at that ramrod posture.

Oh, he's Swifty boy.

Private Walter Novotny, sir. I'm sorry, old man.

All right.

Come on and say hello to your cousin, Ernie. All right. Now, which one of you

guys is Swifty Vilko? Come on, make yourself known.

Maybe they didn't get this.

Can anybody tell me where I can find my cousin Ernie Vilko? And there he is.

There he is, the young lion. Say, how are you, Swifty? This is Ernie.

How are you, son? We've been waiting for you. Where were you? Well, we had to go

for our medical checkup. That psychiatrist kept me longer than

It figures. I don't go mind. It fascinates everybody.

Come on, son. I'm going to show you your new home. All right, you men.

Dismissed. Bender!

Show them to their bunks. Come on in, son.

Come on, little cousin. Well, this is it. What do you think?

Oh, this here is a swell room. This is better than the one I got at home.

Let me tell you something. The room isn't the only thing we're going to

with you. We're going to share everything else. Oh, that's right. Nice

Cousin Ernie. Come on, come on. This is going to be a two -man operation.

Naturally, you have plans.

Plans? Oh, you can talk up on a rocker when hands stare.

Friends. Friends?

I'm right glad to meet you, fellas. Hi. You all play checkers? Checkers? Come

on. These are the chumps. Oh, he's giving you the come on.

Oh, what a kid. He don't miss a trick. A natural born ringer. Hey, Sarge. If

Swifty's anxious for a little action, let's take him right over to the day

Sure. They're having a regular Saturday afternoon poker game over there. Why

not? We'll start from the top. The chumps are ready. How about it?

Would you like to loosen up a little?

Oh, those eager, built -on fingers.

Read them and weep. You weep. I got a flush. Yeah, that beats me. That's

for me. Come on, we still got a game going.

Okay, we got four heads. Bye -bye. It's a nice little gathering here.

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you know? A pokey game.

Peter Pilko, this pokey game is according to NBA rules. What do you

No Pilko allowed.

Peter Pilko, you're not getting in. Who wants in?

This is wrong for one of my new recruits to play, though, is it? As long as it's

not you, Pilko.

Grab a chair, kid. Deal a man. How do you play the game?

Get your money up, kid. We're playing 50 and a dollar table stakes.

You're playing for money?

Well, I didn't bring no money with me. Here, here, here. Use my money. It's all

if you use my money. That's so much the better. There you are.

All right, empty up.

Here's my 50 cents.

Here's my 50 cents. Here's my 50 cents. Here's my 50 cents.

I open for a dollar.

I'm in.

I'm in.

How many cards do you want? I'll take three.

One, two, three.

Oh, I'll just keep these.

Oh, I'll just keep these.

Come on. No, no, no, coach.

Ah, shit. Okay.

So low, Boise, Swifty. Go get them. I better box.

I raise.

I raise.

I raise you.

I raise you.

I raise you.

I raise you.

Just a second.

Boy, I'm out. I sure thought a straight would win this fight. I don't know why,

Smith. Do you win? Get it.

Why don't you give us a pair of deuces?

Oh,

sure,

sure.

Well, thanks a lot, fellas. We'll do it again sometime.

Wait a minute. You're not quitting now.

You mean this game ain't over yet?

As long as they got money, we play. Stay with us, Swifty Boy.

Next time, you better have it, kid.

I open for a dollar.

I open for a dollar.

I'm out. I'm out. How many cards, Grover? I'll take three cards. Three.

about you, kid?

I'll take three cards.

Keep your hands off the table. These cards are dead.

What are you doing? You threw away three aces.

Is that what they were?

You don't... You don't... You actually... You never played?

That's not all I've got.

I'll bet all I've got. No, no. Stop now.

I'm just bluffing again.

I've got three tens.

What do you got, kid?

I've got a black six and a black four and a red seven.

And here's a pretty lady.

Three aces.

Three aces he threw away.

Look, Ernie, he's young. He just got in.

He'll learn. Sure, Sarge. How old were you when you learned how to play poker?

Three. And then I was a child prodigy.

You really think there's hope for Swiftie? Sure. I bet Einstein never

poker. Yeah.

Now look.

He could be a genius, but just be a lousy card player. Sure. We never gave

Swifty a chance. Let's find him and talk to him.

And notice the excellent workmanship of this rifle.

And feel how comfortably it rests against your shoulders.

And it's all yours for $20.

Well, I thought the Army gave me a gun.

Unnatural mistake.

That's only in time of war. In time of peace, you buy your own rifle.

Well, how about that?

But, gee, I ain't got $20. I done bought a gas mask from Fender and a canteen

from Zimmerman. Well, how much do you have?

Uh, $10.

$10? For a beautiful rifle like this?

Well, after all, you are Ernie's cousin and Ernie and I are sort of partners.

So call me foolish and take it for $10. Oh, boy, my own rifle.

Oh, boy.

Don't get sore, Sarge.

Everybody else had a crack at him.

Give me that gun.

Get this back in the supply room. I'm a double. I'm a double! How dumb can you

be? Buying a rifle for $10?

Doberman's the one that's dumb. I told him he only had $10 and he really had

$20.

The brain works like this.

All we got in my family, I don't know. Somebody bust a goof.

Look, go guard the furnace room. It's right over there. Okay, Sergeant.

Will I need a gun? No, no, go on, go on, go on.

Oh, my God, the furnace room. Nobody ever goes there. That's the idea.

But, Ernie, you can't keep him in the furnace room for his whole head. Look, I

got to get him out of the army for his own sake.

You're going to get him out of the army?

I got to get him out before the enemy finds out he's in.

You don't have to get him out at all. Well, what are you going to do then?

fix it so guys like Grover and Ritzer can't get him into a card game. Guys

Doberman can't sell him things.

I'll put him in a place where he'll be absolutely safe.

How?

I'll make him an officer.

I don't understand it, Lieutenant Wilson. According to this report,

is very quiet in the camp.

Yes, sir. They all seem to be behaving themselves.

Lieutenant, that's impossible with two bilcos on the post.

It's too quiet.

General Custer must have felt this way just before sitting bowl struck.

Yes. Don't relax a moment, Lieutenant.

That'll be all. Yes, sir.

I've been expecting you, Bilko. You have, sir?

Yes, and I'll get to the point right away.

Oh, sir, it's nothing for myself.

It's just that I've been reading the non -com's handbook, and I discovered I've

been remiss in one of my duties, sir. You've been reading the non -com's

handbook? Why?

Did you have a bet on how long it would take you?

Oh,

the colonel is full of fun today. No, sir.

In reading it all, but I discovered that it's the sergeant's responsibility to

recognize... potential leaders amongst his men, sir. Cut it short, Bilko.

What's in it for you? Really, sir, I am hurt. Thank you very much.

Bilko, wait. My colonel called.

What did you want to tell him?

Well, sir, I discovered that one of my men has displayed outstanding qualities

of leadership.

And if I may say so, sir, he'd be ideal officer material.

That's very commendable of you, Bilko. Who is it? Oh, one of the new recruits,

fine young man, a strapping character, a young man named Private Swiffington

Bilko, sir. And I thought... So that's it.

Your cousin.

Sir, you're pale. What's wrong?

I see through your scheme, Belko.

You've taken over the enlisted men, and now you want him to take over the

officers. Oh, sir.

Between the two of you, you'll melt the army dry. That isn't the fairest thing

you've ever said. Besides, the quota at officers' candidate school is full.

The only way he can get in is on my personal recommendation.

Well, then, sir, you'll write up your own testimonial?

Belko, I don't think you realize what it takes to make an officer.

He must be intelligent.

Self -sacrificing, stern, but understanding, and above all, in perfect

condition. Trim, lean, hard as nails.

Oh, sir, then you know my cousin. You've just described him to a T, sir. If you

don't mind, Bilko, I'll make my own decisions on whom I recommend for OCS.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, sir. I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank

you very much, sir.

Honest.

Courageous.

Perfect physical condition.

Give me the other box.

But, Cousin Ernie, I never hit nobody in my life.

I don't know how to box.

Would you relax? Just listen to your Cousin Ernie. But, Cousin Ernie. Now,

You want to be an officer, don't you?

Yeah. Tell me again about being an officer.

All right, you get to ride a big white horse. You wear shining new boots, okay?

Yeah, I get to be in all the parades and all the girls be cheering for me.

And I'll go back to Valley Falls and show them all my medals.

Yeah.

We'll get medals for that. Oh, you'll have medals with oak leaves and clusters

on them. Why can't I be an officer? I've been here longer than him.

So, the hurdles come high. You guys all know what to do. Tiger, you're out.

Tiger, you're out. Come on.

And the winner...

Isn't that Tiger Schultz, our heavyweight champion? I'm surprised you

recognize him, sir. Are you all right, Tiger?

Oh, thank heavens he's still breathing. Get him to the infirmary quickly while

there's still a chance to save his feet. Oh, I beg him not to put on the gloves

with Swifty.

Oh, you finged you. Why didn't you take it easy with him?

He knocked out the tiger? Yes, I pleaded with myself. Swifty, pull your punches.

I didn't even hit him. Oh, he didn't hit him. He doesn't know his own set. Look

at this rapier -like hand.

He knocked out the tiger?

Well, window a box.

I'll get that locked up before he gets killed.

Right, you're all ready for act two now. You know what to do when the colonel

gets you. Hey, hey, hey, here comes the colonel.

Come on, fellas, I'm surprised that you're one little chief and you can't

it. Bill, tell why isn't my chief ready?

I can't understand it, sir. We've been working on it all.

Padrelli, did you check the spark plugs? They're perfect, Sergeant.

And how about the fuel pump? Sergeant, I took it apart and put it back together

again. Well, it's in perfect order. So we're completely baffled. I've been

working on it all morning. I've got to be in core headquarters in half an hour.

I know, Sergeant.

Oh, Swifty, did you check the motor?

No, Sergeant. Did you check the carburetor?

Okay. Where is it? Oh, come on. Go to the car. I'll lead you to the car. Come

on.

Mr. Wilson, I've been working on motorboats for 15 years. This boy knows

about motors than anybody I've ever seen.

Happy motoring, sir.

Come in.

20 reports, sir. Thank you. And so would you mind signing this? It's permission

for Private Bilko to use the rifle range over the weekend.

You mean he wants to practice shooting on his own time? It's his own idea, sir.

And heaven knows why. The last time he shot, he had a perfect score.

Well, I must say, Belko, he does seem to be an unusual soldier.

Well, you know what they say, sir. An unusual soldier makes an unusual

Yes, yes, I know.

I'm very impressed with what I've seen of Private Belko.

Oh, so then you'll sign the recommendation for officers trained in

Oh, well, not so fast, Belko. There's more to being an officer than I've seen

Private Belko.

Can he exert authority over men?

Has he the ability to command troops?

Command troops.

You're right, sir. We mustn't overlook a detail. Thank you, sir.

Will you listen to me? You want to be an officer, don't you? Well, you've got to

give your men orders.

Well, I don't know how to give anybody orders. I can't even make my dog give me

his paw.

Now, look.

When you're on that white horse with those shiny boots leading your men in

parade, will it look nice when the men don't know where to go because you don't

tell them what to do?

I never thought of that. And it's very simple. All you have to do if you want

them to come to attention, you say attention.

You want them out, you say forward march. You want them to halt, you say

halt. One, two.

Very simple.

That's all there is to it.

I'll show you.

All right, then.

You got it?

No. Come on, try it. Now with authority.

Give them orders. Here they are.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

You have no diction.

Now be like an officer. Think like an officer. Speak precisely, clearly. Get

out of there. And get it through here. Through here, loose.

Get that in and breathe.

Get it

loose.

Now you got that?

Yeah. Let's hear it with authority.

Oh, that's not good. He'll never learn. He'll never convince the Colonel he can

command men.

You mean I don't get to ride no white horse in the parade?

Ride in the parade? You're lucky if they let you watch the parade.

Parade? Wait a minute.

Hey, remember that veterans parade last year in Roseville?

Yeah.

Huh? Hey, you think of what I'm thinking? If you're thinking what I'm

Cousin, do you know what I think? You don't have to think.

You're going to be an officer.

Are you guys all set?

Yeah. I did what I told you. Keep going. Pay no attention to what the kid does,

right? Caution. All right. Here he is.

You all set? I wasn't able to learn all them commands. Oh, don't worry. You

can't miss just the one. You heard me do it. Let me hear you do it. Bah! That's

great.

Every time around this.

Whoops. Right on time. All right, fellas. Blow your helmets so he don't

recognize you.

I was just watching Swifty putting his men through the drill. It's quite

wonderful to watch.

Swifty, drill your men.

Hey!

like this is West Point.

That's wonderful, isn't he, sir?

Fantastic! And he's only been in the army two weeks.

Have that man over in my office in a half hour. I'm going to see that he goes

officer's candidate school.

Thank you, sir.

August, by the way. Come on. But I'm doing the man. No, no, that'll wait.

in a hurry. Come on. That's a better dismissal, Merle. No, no. They'll run

by themselves. Come on.

I tell you, this Private Bilko is a born soldier.

Natural officer material.

You sound very high on him, Colonel.

I am. As a matter of fact, I've asked General Adcock to drop in and see him.

Corps Commander?

Yes. He's visiting the camp today. And as you know, he's a bug on men coming up

from the ranks.

Well? I think I have a surprise for you.

Come in.

Here he is, sir. At ease.

This is Private Bilker.

Young man, I've been watching you very closely, and I'm very pleased with what

I've seen.

Thank you, General. Thank you, sir.

Well, the board is entirely cognizant of your mechanical ability, your physical

fitness, and your capacity to lead men.

We're not worried about your ability.

However... There is one question I always ask.

Private Bilko, why do you want to be an officer?

Because I want to ride a big white horse and wear a kind of black suit.

One week at OCS will stay... Quiet!

He's never going to OCS.

But, Bilko, I'll tell you what's going to happen to you. But, Colonel Hall,

about General Adcock? He's on his way here just to meet Private Bilko. Yes,

general. If he sees him after the way I built him up... No matter what happens,

he must never see him. But, sir, as long as he's on the camp, the general is

bound to run into him, sir.

That's right.

Well, I'll have him transferred to some other outfit.

May I suggest a place where there are no other soldiers, sir?

Don't be ridiculous, Belko. Sir, General Atcock, no offense meant, isn't he the

one we refer to as Old Nosey?

That's right, sir. I mean... There's that opening on Mount Wilson, Colonel,

a weather observer.

They drop supplies by plane. Young Bilko will be all alone for a year. Oh, I'm

sure he'd love that, wouldn't you, Swifty?

Oh, he thinks it's splendid, sir. Send him out to the airfield. I'll have him

transferred to Mount Wilson immediately.

Yes, sir.

General Adcock,

I'm delighted to see you. I'm very busy. I have only a minute, but you were so

enthusiastic about this OCS candidate, Bilko, that I just had to meet...

Officer Candidate Bilko reporting, sir.

Well, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see a man come up from the

and become an officer. Thank you, sir.

Sergeant Bilko, there is one question I always ask.

Why do you want to become an officer?

Well, sir, since I've been at Fort Baxter, it's been my privilege to

Colonel Hall, who, in my opinion... Gentlemen, anyone can ever ask for. And

may say so, sir, it's made me aspire... to better myself in the army. No, Bilko.

Please, Colonel. You've always been my inspiration.

Excellent choice.

Well, I'll be seeing you. Yes, no doubt. We'll run into each other at the

officer's club, sir.

Who is this, sir? Another candidate for OCS?

He changed his mind, sir. He's accepted a special assignment. I'm about to

escort him to the airport, sir. I see. Well, carry on.

So you got nothing to worry about with Bilko around?

Colonel, up here in Mount Wilson, they have parade.

Yeah.

Heard from Swifty lately?

Swifty. Boy, what a character he was. I got a letter only yesterday from Mount

Wilson. How does he like it up there? Is he lonely?

Well, no, he's got plenty of company. Mountain Goats, Eagles, St. Bernard.

Hey, Doc, how'd you ever get out of going to Officers Canada school?

Since I flunked the physical. I took it without my glasses.

Pardon me, fellas.

Yeah? I just got transferred to this camp. Anybody know where I can find

Bilko? Oh, he was shipped out to Mount Wilson some time ago. Can I do anything

for you? I'm Sergeant Bilko. Sergeant Bilko? Then you're my cousin Ernie.

What? I'm Swifty's brother, Clem. Oh, no.

Yeah. Hey, a card game. You mind if I sit in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

right. Now, what'll it be, fellas? A little action here, a little water, a

little wild, the ocean.

This is the real Bilko. Together we'll conquer the world.

Also seen in tonight's show are Dick Van Dyke as Swifty, Truman Smith as Uncle

Fred, Catherine Payne as Aunt Julia, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy

as Sergeant Grover, Bob Hastings as the Lieutenant, and Howard Wierum as General

Adcock.