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Oh, Chicago.

What a perfectly thrilling town.

I'm glad you're enjoying it, Kay.

Nowadays, it's the only way to publicize a movie.

Personal appearances.

Believe me, as a press agent, I know.

I wouldn't miss it. For the world, I love this tour. And it's such fun

everybody in these dynamic American cities.

New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Detroit, Chicago.

Where's our next stop?

Roseville. I've all... I've always wanted to go to... Roseville, Kansas.

But why isn't it on the map? Well, it is there.

You're right.

There's something there.

Roseville.

Roseville, the 83rd largest city in Kansas.

Oh, Sydney, are you sure they've got movies there? Of course.

Talkies?

There's an army camp nearby, Fort Baxter.

And, you know, that means business for our movie.

An army camp.

Love American soldiers.

They're so appreciative.

And they're so sweet.

Jerks! Jerks! Let's go! The show goes on tonight. I can't do everything myself.

I think we're working as fast as we can. Oh, now I know what my card goes to.

Mr. Paparelli, does it occur to you that in exactly eight hours, my festival for

American folk music goes on?

on one of your sloppy jobs. Build that runway solid.

I don't want the girls falling into the audience. All right, move it.

Ernie, look. How are you going to get away with a show like this in an army

camp? Get away with what?

All I'm doing is dramatizing the music of Stephen Foster with wax and bathing

suits. Let me worry about these things. Listen, Ernie, are you sure to kindles

me off the post tonight? I'm positive. This is his bridge night. He wouldn't

miss it for the world. Besides, he's already ordered a staff car. Move the

props. Out of the assignment.

No good. Make a change.

Right under Stephen Foster, have him put...

With 20 daring folk dancers.

20 big dancers.

Hey, Sarge, you just get the tickets back from the printers. Hey, Sarge, how

much did he charge for his tickets?

From 50 cents to $5, a price that'll reach every pocket. Yeah, that sounds

That's reasonable.

Four tickets at 50 cents apiece, the rest at $5.

All right, now look, when you call... Oh.

Did you rehearse your speech? You're going to make it into mission?

I've been working on it, Sarge. Listen.

Now, I need you in every package of these delicious chocolate bun buns. What

you doing? That's no good. You won't sell anything. You've got to be sincere.

Like this.

All right, folks.

We need you in every box of these delicious bun buns.

There's a little article which I'm not allowed to mention.

However, you know that we can't sell it. You know you can't buy it. However,

they cannot stop us from giving in to it.

Our friends are over 21.

You know the facts of that. You take this ordinary booklet to the naked eye.

However,

take an ordinary pocket match, lay it, rub it up and down behind his... You

understand what I mean?

Sincerity. Let me hear it.

No fruits!

And each and every package of these delicious chocolate...

15 minutes as a dress rehearsal.

Get a hold of the post band leader. Tell him that in the music. Jeannie with the

light brown hair, I want the vamp to go this way.

You know, with feeling.

Colonel Hall, Major Crawford to see you.

Delighted to see you, Major Crawford. What brings you to Fort Baxter?

Oh, just a routine inspection, Colonel.

Visiting all the whack installations, checking on my girls.

You can certainly be proud of them here.

Tonight, for instance, they're taking part in the Festival of American Folk

Songs. Oh, how thrilling.

Oh, if only I could be here to see the show tonight.

Well, that is too bad.

Since I won't be able to see it either, I suppose both of us drop in and watch a

dress rehearsal.

Wonderful.

has already started.

Who's that thing?

Oh, that's Sergeant Bilko. He's responsible for the whole thing. We can

here.

to finish the costume yet. Obviously.

time, sir. In time for what? To see the show close.

Get everybody out of here. What is the meaning of this? Oh, sir, just a

little prank. A little innocent fight. I need

you

to think it'll work. It's got to work. Look, they won't let us do the show in

camp. There's nothing says we can't do the show in town. Hey, Sarge, my back is

killing me. Zimmerman, be a trooper. The show must go on.

At last we are home. At long last we have found the ideal dinner for our

company. Just a minute. What do you want? Who are you? Who are we but a band

wandering minstrels with a show. A show, a pageant of the dear old Southland. A

spectacle suave in calico and old lace. Garnished with the flower of southern

womanhood. We don't do burlesque.

We got some girls that are real pips. There's one girl that comes out and

soldier.

I'd refrain this theater. This theater on whose stage strode the great John

Barrymore and Shakespeare's immortal Hamlet. Why, you couldn't buy a seat for

$100. Shakespeare, Barrymore, that's what packs the house. All right, Pop,

beating around the bush. Yes or no? Get out.

Get out? Out.

Well, take this man's name off our feelers. Out, indeed.

It's men like you that killed Burlesque and Vaudeville. If it wasn't for men

like you, Goldie, Field, and Glide would still be on the board.

Your accommodation satisfactory, Miss Kendall? Oh, very. I'm sure I'll be very

happy. Thank you.

The last movie star we had here was Hoot Gibson.

Oh.

By the way, there's a message here for you to call Hollywood Operator 24.

Oh, thank you. You can use the phone in the booth right over there. Look,

Sidney, I'll meet you up in the room. Would you order me some tea? Fine, sure.

My man, I'd like to see the manager about renting your grand ballroom.

Not a chance, Bilko.

May I see this?

The attitude that made Conrad Hilton a millionaire?

Bilko?

Bilko, what are you doing to my lobby? What's all that junk on the floor?

Junk? Junk indeed. You're referring to thousands of dollars' worth of costumes

that were especially designed and imported for my international review.

It's the same build -up you gave me the last time, and it turned out to be a

smoker. How should I ever join the Elks? There'll be no convention held in this

hotel. Sarge, no luck, huh? No luck. Okay, boys, pick it up. What are we,

or stevedore? Yeah, where to now?

I know when I'm late. All right, get it back to the camera.

Hey,

Sarge, we got $200 tied up in them costumes. What do you want me to do?

I've tried the YMCA, the opera, the hotel. I've been every place but the

school. Now, what am I... The high school?

No.

Five minutes to three. Just enough time to call the principal. Come on.

David, it's Kay.

Oh, yes, yes.

I'll call the show Babes in Toyland.

Innocent, but that babes could be a stranger.

to the tree. The principal probably went home by now. Home? He's probably

retired. Fire!

I'll look up the principal's home number. Stop the guys with the costumes.

we'll use them. Right, sir.

Hey, Kendall!

Hey, Kendall!

Information.

Do you have a listing for... Okay, Kendall. Where? Where, Kendall?

Paging Miss Kendall.

our new star, Ayatollah Ayatollah. Hey, Sarge, Kate Kendall and I show. Boy, can

you see her in tights doing genie with the light brown hair? Sarge, she'll be

great doing that va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va

-va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va

-va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va

-va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va

-va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va -va

-va

Shakespeare, Barrymore, you couldn't get a ticket for weeks? What? That's right.

He said people came from miles around.

I can just see it now. Ernest G. Bilko presents Miss Kate Kendall in Mr.

Shakespeare's Mr.

Romeo and Juliet.

Kate Kendall will never... Jake!

I'm going to give it to a little Jijiboo.

Jijiboo? Of course. Now, you admit one thing. The English are very clannish.

You have a plan.

Rather?

Well, what was the court in Hollywood about?

That's David. He's coming in today over the script. Hey, fine. I'll give that to

the newspapers.

I'll get it. All right. Coming, coming.

Sorry,

old chap. For the moment, I heard Miss Kate Campbell wasn't down. Simply had to

dash over and say, how did you do? Don't you know? I'm sorry, soldier.

Oh, there you are, my dear. Do you know what it means to a needless friend to

run into a fellow subject so far away from home?

Well, I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure. May I present myself? Sergeant

Ennsville Guilford Baxter.

formerly of Her Majesty's 101st Bendall Lancers. I am the holder of the BBC,

HBC, and ROTC. You're obedient servants.

Now, I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, now, now, Sidney, I'm always enchanted to meet one of our Tommies.

you are, Wizard. What?

May I impose one more favor? There are two English chaps stationed here with

Noel Henshaw and Nigel Barber.

Splendid chaps. They do so well to me, too. I confess them, you know. Well,

let's have them in. Oh, good sir. Excuse me, old chap.

You know what you're doing? This man is obviously a phony. Of course I do, but

he's so sweet and I can't wait to meet Nigel and Noel.

I'll be tighter.

I say, it is a lot like the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace once.

Well, slightly noisier, though. Now, tell me, Sergeant, how is it that three

Englishmen happen to be in the American Army? Did I say it, Nigel? Did I say it?

That's the first question she would ask. What about that?

Oh, it's a terribly amusing story. Won't you sit down?

Well, you see, one night in London, Nigel and I and myself are having a go

some darts at a pub in Covington, you know.

Well, enough about us.

How long are you going to be in Rosemary, my dear? Well, I'm afraid I

leave in the morning.

Paul, you're going to miss our British colony Stratford -on -Avon night.

Stratford -on -Avon night? Yes, it's a night when the group of us English

round the hearth and read aloud from the immortal bard.

Shakespeare, you know? Yes, I know. Frankly, duck, Larry and Viv adored it

they passed through here.

Larry and Viv?

The Olivias. Oh, I say, you are pulling my leg, Mark.

Oh, we've had some evenings that have been smashers. Do say you'll come.

Well, if Larry and Bill would... Well, I'd like to, but my schedule's so tight.

Oh, her schedule again. Oh, the pity of it to be denied this great woman.

Well, this great lady of the British theatre.

This scintillating star of the American cinema who could bring her grandeur and

beauty to the immortal words of Shakespeare's tragic heroine, Juliet

a dear and say you'll come.

Well, I... Please, dear sweet lady.

Arise, Sergeant Wilco, formerly of the Bengal Lancers.

Sidney, change my schedule.

Schedule. Oh, I see. Will you stay, Juliet, your grace?

Tell me about this Stratford -on -Avon night. Is this for a small group of

people? Because I don't care to give a public performance. Oh, good heavens,

it's a small group of displaced persons who just gather round and hunger for a

voice from home. Oh, you are splendidly jovial, aren't you, darling?

Well, um... Then till tomorrow?

Till tomorrow.

Pardon me such sweet sorrow.

Well, farewell, my grenadiers. Oh, you are splendid.

Battalion, pitch eye up!

Fire!

about staying here, are you? I wouldn't miss it for the world. That bilk is a

gasser.

I'm telling you, I've got her.

Kate Kendall in the Roseville Opera House doing Shakespeare?

Yes! Ah, glory has returned to my theater. All right, Pop.

Ernie, what is she going to say when that curtain goes up and she faces 1

people? I'll tell her a lot of her English fans came down from Canada.

How are the tickets going?

Just great, Sarge. The Garden Club alone wants 100.

The PTA wants 75. And the Roseville Women's Club wants 200.

Good. The minute those tickets are printed, I want the platoon selling them

door to door. Check. Listen, Ernie, what if she finds out? How's she going to

find out? We'll keep her in the hotel room rehearsing until showtime.

Oh, by the way, Ernie, who's going to play Romeo?

I thought of that.

Instead of spending a lot of money on some run -of -the -mill actor, I've

decided to gamble on a talented unknown.

Good idea. Who is it? You.

Oh, it's a divine script, David. It's sweet of you to fly in so I could read

Well, the sooner you approve it, Kay, the quicker we can get into production.

Well, I'm mad about it, but who's going to direct it? We haven't set a director

yet, but I'm calling the studio right now. Oh, good. I'll see who they've got

lined up. There's a phone in the bedroom, David, right this way.

Come in.

Oh, there you are, my dear.

I thought we'd have a slight rehearsal before the reading tonight. Not that you

won't be letter perfect, but Noel here is a bit nervy about waiting to be done.

Silly boy, I understand.

Did I tell you she was all... What?

What? Now, listen, Sergeant, I've been meaning to ask you.

What part of England was it that you said you came from?

Uh, Doberman on the Clyde. It's a small village, actually. You've never heard of

it. Doberman on the Clyde. But of course I have. I've motored through it often.

Oh, splendid.

Well, enough of merry old England. I thought we'd skim through a few lines of

Romeo and Juliet, like Beth Hamlet, perhaps the Merchant of Venice.

But I thought we were just going to read from Romeo and Juliet.

Uncles, you know.

Oh, yes. All right. I'm sure you'll want to have something ready when you hear

the thunderous applause.

Well, how thunderous can ten people get? Oh, they're a small group, but very

enthusiastic. And now, about the costumes.

Costumes? Good thinking, but besides, it'll heighten the illusion. I mean,

street clothes would clash with the scenery. Scenery?

Well, you wouldn't want to waste all those lovely customs on a bare stage.

you say stage?

Oh, darn it, it slipped out. I did so not to surprise you. And I must say you

succeeded. Well, you see what happened. A few of the group invited some close

friends, and so I dipped into my own purse and rented a small old chateau to

you. In that case, I think we'd better rehearse. Splendid. Uh, Kate?

Yeah? I've got the coast on the phone. You want to come in a minute? Oh, fine.

Excuse me, then. But of course. Ta -ta.

T .T. again?

Oh, yes, of course. What was that? T .T. I don't know. Bully for you, Ernest?

You did it again, Ernie.

Of course, if you want to kneel and appreciate.

All right, come on. Get this kid to go over to that balcony. You want to be

ready when she comes.

Now, you know your first line? Read it from there.

Well, the studio's all ready to start shooting the minute I come up with the

right director.

Well, couldn't they find anyone?

Oh, it's a problem. All the good ones are busy.

And I won't take just anybody.

I want a take -charge guy.

I want a guy with a strong hand who knows how to keep his cast in line.

Yeah, well, how much are you willing to spend?

I'm willing to go for $50 ,000.

For the right man, I'll give you $75 ,000.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cecil B... I mean, N .S .G. Bilko.

What was that name again? N .S .G. Bilko. The G stands for Goldman, of

These are some English friends of mine. I'd like you to meet my producer. I had

the pleasure. Now, shall we rehearse, dear? We've had enough time. I mean,

is money. We found that out in Hollywood. Didn't we, dear? All right.

Now, stay here, sir. Can you catch... Oh, now, Sidney, let... Sergeant

Do you mind? We'll take her from the balcony, see? Now, as Juliet, you're

in love with Romeo.

It gives them confidence when you tell them the plot. Do you understand?

Romeo or Romance at that.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou... Cut!

That's very good. Very good for a schoolgirl, but not for a great star.

I won't have that. They're like children. You have to guide them. I take

You can see that.

As Shakespeare said, tipping the other tongue, speak very loosely, dear. Romeo,

Romeo. You're pressing.

You're not breathing, dear. Take a deep breath before you speak.

Keep the mask very loosely.

Say, say, purgy baby.

Purgy.

Think of that, but don't. That's it. I'll say, Romeo, Romeo.

No, you're not breathing, dear. You don't breathe. I can't help you.

Now try it again, please.

Romeo, Romeo. No, no.

I demand perfection, whether I'm directing Shakespeare or a motion

You know what I mean?

Quiet. Hello?

Quiet. Quiet, I must say. Not you, Dave.

I came to the studio. It's for you.

Hello?

Yes? Yes?

Oh, you did get him.

Wonderful. I'll tell Kay right away.

What do you want to hear about?

We got a director. Who? George Cukor. Oh, no. The production starts next

Come on, Sidney. I'll buy you a drink. Great.

Now, you were saying, Mr. Director?

Come on, say it, pudgy baby.

Pudgy, pudgy, pudgy.

I'm not a pudgy.

Huh? Huh? Count it, Rocko.

Is she here yet? No. Miss Kendall, is she here yet? She'll be here. Oh, these

are for our star. All right. What a night. It's a complete sellout. Every

standing room. Yes, yes. She's broken Barrymore's record.

Go outside and cheer with the rest of the audience. Go ahead.

Eight hundred. Eight hundred ten. Eight hundred twenty. Slow, slow. Let me enjoy

this, Rocco. Sergeant, you sure hit the jackpot tonight.

Wait a minute. Stop the bag yet.

That money isn't ours until Kay Kendall walks out on that stage.

Now, where is she?

Henshaw said he'd have her here by eight o 'clock.

Will you take it easy? It's only a quarter to two. That's what I mean. Hide

money. Darling.

It's the biggest night since Barrymore.

Suppose she finds out. Sarge, how could she?

You're right. She doesn't suspect a thing. Here we are. Here we are.

there you are, Ducky.

Welcome to our small group. Well, I must say, I've never been into a theatre

this way before.

It is a rather quaint stage entrance, isn't it? Oh, it is. Over the roof and

down the park.

You see, my dear, that's protection from your fans. They're a small group, but

very enthusiastic. Oh, I see. Well, I suppose we want to get into your clothes

and give it a go, what?

Come along, Noel. Don't forget the bikes. The bikes. Good luck, my dear.

As we say in England, you know, ye all the time. Good luck, dear. Good luck.

Oh, that boy's the living end.

Yes. Miss Kendall? Yes.

I'm Colonel Hall of Fort Baxter.

Oh, how do you do? I dropped in to welcome you on behalf of the Army

installation here. Well, thank you. And may I say, it's going to be a pleasure

for me to see you perform.

Thank you.

I know it'll be worth every penny of the $10 I paid for the ticket.

Well, I just wish I could only pay $10.

I was lucky to get it. There must be 2 ,000 people out there. You mean they

paid? Oh, yes. The tickets were selling like hotcakes.

Well, nice meeting you, Miss Kendall.

Well, that Bilko.

Hey, do you know what that Bilko was doing? I know, I know. You know. Well,

wanted to have some fun.

And I still am. I'm going to make him give back every cent that he took in.

Ooh, I'm going to fix him. But how?

Well, look, you go and get me an empty whiskey bottle, fill it up with cold

and then leave the rest to me. By the time I'm through with Sergeant Bilko,

going to wish he was back in Doberman -on -the -Clyde.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I am Ernest Philco.

Welcome to a first in a series of theatrical events which I will bring you

time to time featuring the top names in the entertainment world.

I am especially thrilled tonight in inaugurating our new policy to bring you

star of international stature, the rage of London, the toast of all Hollywood,

Miss Kay Kendall!

No, just please. There seems to be some slight today. I'll be back in a...

Something like that.

Kendall.

Hey.

What are you doing?

We're out for our sound filter.

Hey, hey, it's carton time.

Wait a minute. You can't go on in this condition.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, I have to inform you that your

money will...

It's so...

and Fraser as Sidney, Philippa Bevins as Major Crawford, Martin Wolfson as David

West, Earl George as Mr. Minton, and Bert Thorne as the hotel manager.