Original subtitles

Max Welton's braids are bonnie.

He sends me. It's the most.

Well, is it a crap game? I'm in. How much do you owe me?

Listen, this guy is great.

This guy? Who is it? What guy? Must be Tony Martin. Boy, he sure can sing. It's

not Tony Martin. It's Frankie Boy.

Ah, whoever he is, he's the greatest. What are you all nuts? It's an old Bing

Crosby record.

That's what I like. A difference of opinion. All right, any bets?

Ah, you and your... All right, do you want a bet maker? Who do you say it is?

got a buck and bet it's Bing Crosby. He bets it's Bing Crosby. I say it's

Frankie Boy. All bets are off. You're all wrong.

It's a homemade... record, it's nobody.

Hey, Sarge, what? What's on the label?

Send a recording to your loved ones for 25 cents. Hey, it's a record from one of

those machines in the PX. Well, everybody was fooled, even the girls

Always ready to jump to conclusions.

I'll bet, I'll bet, no wonder he's always empty.

One thing we do know, somebody on this post has got a million dollar voice.

Sarge, you think maybe... I didn't have to think. You saw it with your own eyes.

He pulverized those girls.

Gentlemen, I am holding in my hand the next singing idol of this nation. Boy,

he lucky.

He's luckier than he thinks. From now on, I'm going to manage him.

Rocco, get the guy and bring him to my room right away. Yeah. Here's what you

do. We start a publicity campaign. Start who?

Him. You know, whatchamacallit.

I mean, there's no name on this. There could be any soldier on the post. Sure,

Fort Baxter's a big place.

Tell you what you do.

You've got to hurry, because we've got to find him before Ed Sullivan finds

Get over to the prison and get me a list of every man in Fort Baxter, and we'll

check them off one by one until we find the one who sins. But listen, Sarge.

Listen, Sarge. That's going to take weeks. So what? We're digging for

We've got to dig. Protect us like it would be right. Come on. Move. Move.

minute we don't find him, we'll come. Hey!

Where did everybody go?

Look,

Rita, I'm not getting personal. All I want to know is if you date any of the

guys from the post, do they ever try to sing to you? Sing? Are you kidding? They

don't even want to waste time talking.

Anybody serenades you, you'll let me know. Promise me. Oh, sure. If I go out

with Nelson Eddy, I'll get in touch with him. Please, Rita, this is serious.

Hey, Sergeant, the colonel's office called. He wants his monthly

Well, get him over to his office. No, he went home for lunch.

Well, get him over to his house. Leave me alone. I'm busy. Look, how about your

girlfriend?

Hey, Gomez, take these over to the colonel's house. The colonel's house.

The colonel's house.

The colonel's house.

The colonel's house.

Peter, promise me, if anybody as much as hums to you, you let me know. Oh, sure,

sure, sure. All right, Peter. Ernie, Ernie.

Oh, good. Did you get those personnel records? No, we couldn't. The colonel

them home. Edna said he wanted to look them over. The colonel? We need them

than he does. He could look at them any time. I've got to get them back right

away. I'll call him. Uh, dime.

Dime, dime.

Dime!

Lunch will be ready in a minute, dear. Good. I'm starved. What is it?

It's a recipe I got from your mess sergeant, Ritzig.

Don't be confused, dear. You get the door and I'll answer the phone. Of

Come in.

Here are the monthly expenditure reports from the motor pool, sir.

Hello?

Yes? This is Sergeant Bilko, Mrs. Hall.

I sent one of my men over with some papers. Would you please have the

send him back with the personnel records, please?

Just a second.

Dear, Sergeant Bilko.

Bilko? What's wrong?

Nothing.

to bring back the personnel record.

Oh. So where did I put them?

Well, you put some papers on your desk when you came home.

I'll take a look. Wait here, Doberman.

I'm sure they're in here.

Max Welton's braids are bonnie Where earned he follows

the dew Oh, I see.

Hello there. Say, you singing on the... You there. Who's that singing?

Gave me...

Sergeant Vilko, I found the records and... What? Never mind that, Mrs. Hall.

is that just singing there?

Well, the colonel's been singing, but... What?

Oh, yes, of course I'm sure.

Hello?

Hello?

Colonel Hall is the phantom voice? You heard him? Colonel Hall?

Look, even his own wife says it's him.

Colonel?

I better make sure. I'll call him back. Dime.

Dime. Dime. Dime.

This could be fantastic.

Sir, this is a singer -song TV quiz program.

The what?

The singer -song TV show.

We have spun our big lucky wheel, and you may be our winner.

Are you surprised?

Why, that's wonderful. I've never won anything in my life. How much did I win?

Oh, not so fast.

You'll have to play the game first.

I just displayed it to the studio audience how anxious you are, sir.

Now, to win, you'll have to sing the first few lines of Annie Lawrence.

Oh, I know that by heart. It goes... My...

the report's back. Where's Philco?

He's busy in there. Just leave him here with me, dear. Okay.

I don't get it.

The voice we heard on the telephone is the same voice that's on the record.

There's no doubt about it. Yeah, but when he asked the colonel to sing, it

terrible. Unless there was somebody else there.

Wait a minute.

I sent Zimmerman over to get the reports.

Zimmerman, do you suppose... Zimmerman,

did you get those expenditures sheets of the colonel? The expenditures sheets?

Oh, yeah.

He sent his personnel record back to you. Good boy. Give him some of the do

-do list.

How you feeling, baby boy? Fine, fine. It's good to be back in your own little

bunk, relaxing after a hard day's work.

Makes you feel like singing a little song.

Sing? Sing. What do you want me to sing?

Come on, little man. Sing Jingle, Jingle, Jingle, Jingle. Oh, wait.

Explain. I don't understand. The only ones there was the Kymo and Zemmerman.

It's got to be the Kymo.

Maybe it was a bad connection.

I'll call him again. Dine?

Dine. Dine, dine.

Hello? Sir, this is the TV singer -song program again. I guess we were cut off.

Say, I wondered what happened.

Which channel are you on?

Oh, in New York. Now, sir, we would like to see you win that prize. So if you

don't mind, Annie Laurie once again. Quiet in the studio, please.

Why, certainly.

Maxwell turns brave.

Hello?

Operator, you cut me off. I was singing to New York.

What kind of an army is this? Peeling potatoes, making beds, mocking flaws.

The army's going to make a maid out of me.

Hey, you want me to help you, Dino?

Nah, thanks. I'm almost through, Dogman. Roger, Dogman. Oh, there's some more

potatoes for you, Dino. Rizek wants you to peel them.

Doesn't he know the doctor said I should keep away from starches? Don't complain

to me. My doctor said I should stay away from Riddick's cooking.

The voice.

Hey, Goldman, I'm hungry. Will you get me a little liverwurst from the freezer?

Sure, Dino.

young KP.

You did, Sarge.

I mean, after all, we should help out. Come on, boys, grab a knife and let's

start. After all, what are friends for?

Friends? Well, of course, we're going to eat the potatoes, aren't we? At least

we can do us help out a little.

Gee, that's nice of you, Sarge.

Sure.

Maxwellton's braids are hilly.

No, no, wait a minute, Ernie. That's not the way it goes. Don't tell me how it

goes, Max.

Wait, it goes Maxwellton's braids.

You've got rocks in your head. Max Welton's braids are heavy. My mother

for years. Wait a minute, you guys. Just a minute. We'll leave it to an

impartial observer.

Dino, do you know the song?

You're both wrong.

It goes... What

do you mean Colonel Hall's line is busy?

This is a very important call.

This is the Sing a Song TV program from New York. Now you keep ringing that

number. It's got to be the colonel. That's right, operator.

Mrs. Alice Doberman in Altoona, Pennsylvania.

Tell her it's his son.

Okay, I'll wait.

Maxwellton's braids are bunny.

Okay, Louie, let's check out this telephone line.

All right, now, take the red wire and put it on the green tap.

Gave me her promise to...

You got the red wire on the blue tap.

Hello? Who's this out of line? Who is this?

Ernie, is that you?

I thought I recognized your voice.

Grover? Where are you? Stay right there. I'll be right up. Don't move from where

you are.

How do you like that? It was Grover all the time. I should have known with that

Irish kiss.

Hey, sir! Please, no. Not now.

Hey,

Grover boy!

I just passed him by. I thought I'd drop up.

How you doing, Papi? How about a cigarette?

Oh, thanks. Good boy. Hey, wait till I give you a light here.

I was talking to the guys down at the signal corner. They say you've got quite

voice.

Is that true?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, an Irishman who can sing. I never heard of it. Come on, give us a little

song, pal.

All right.

I'll take you home again.

to bring this up again, but how about the colonel? But, Sarge, you called him

three times already.

You got to admit, he sings better than Grover.

Anybody else on the list? Yeah.

There's a couple of guys in the hospital... Please, why don't you watch

spreading germs, Ola? What's the matter with you?

Sarge, I brought your shirts from the laundry.

All right, hang them up in my room, and while you're in there, don't breathe

unnecessarily, huh? Hey, Ernie, there's a guy over in Quartermaster that looks

like Elvis Presley. You're kidding. Looks like... Yeah. What are we standing

here for? Come on.

Max Welton's brain...

It's in there, not a voice. It's in here.

Look in the shower. Go on. Get under the bunk. Look around.

Sarge.

Come up from your room. My room?

Well, the only one in my room is... Don't let

it be him.

Go on, open the door.

You open the door. Open the door. How do I open the door? I'll open the door.

For God will be... Sarge, tell us it isn't so.

It is.

It's a practical joke, I'll be. It's a beaut.

Doberman, a singer?

But why all of a sudden? Who knows? Maybe his voice is changing. At his age?

Look, when it comes to Doberman, nature ain't exactly on schedule.

Forget about the whole thing.

Why? Why?

Look, I'll admit Doberman is a little... What word?

You know the word.

Look,

we're interested in the voice, and Doberman's got the voice.

But will the teenagers go for him? Are you kidding? Have you seen what they've

been going for lately?

You call him the Beast, not the Beast.

There he is, Dwayne Doberman. Not as thin as Frank Sinatra, and not as fat as

Lawrence Melchior.

Please, would you have a call? Don't breathe.

Sarge, I finished pressing your shirts and I'm going to start on the uniform.

You just forget about it, Dwayne. You have pressed your last lapel.

But Sarge, if I didn't do a good job, I'll press it over again.

If I didn't do a good job, I'll press it over again. Did you ever see such

sweetness? And just remember, that's the sweetness that's going to come over the

air into your living room.

Make it a little like Dinah Shaw. Go on, baby.

I did it! I did it! How's Goldman's cold?

Fine. Sarge, here's his progress report.

Amateur normal, professional normal, perfect.

Tonight, he starts his singing career.

You got him on the TV show? All set. Tonight, Roseville will hear him on

service station amateur hour. Hey, Sarge, did Andy give you any trouble?

He thought he would. He heard the record, then he flipped. I didn't even

buy a gallon of gas.

Yeah, but look, Ernie, I don't see what good a local amateur hour is going to

do, though.

I had to think of it. Don't you see it? All right, he's on an amateur program.

He's a sensation.

Will he concede that? A smash?

The phone calls come in, the letters. The station is forced to give him his

program. What happens?

The major networks hear about it. What do we do? We sit back. We wait for the

highest bidder. What?

I can't get over it, Sarge. Doberman, a big star.

Sheesh. In a way, it's kind of sad, you know. When you think of all these years

on top, Crosby, Sinatra, Como, to be pushed out of the spotlight.

Well, that's showbiz.

He doesn't know anything about the TV show. Right now. I didn't want to tell

before when he had the cold. I didn't want to frighten him. Where is he? In

barracks. Good.

Doberman, love of your sergeant's life. Look at her here.

Doberman!

Hiya, Sarge. Oh, come on in, baby.

Look at those rosy cheeks. How's your cold?

All gone, thanks to you, Sarge. Good boy.

We got something to tell you, Toby.

Tonight, you are on television.

Me, Sarge? Tonight, you alone will be singing to thousands of people.

Oh, I'll die, I'll die.

Where you live, you don't want to be selfish.

You want to share that great gift with the world.

Gee, I never looked at it that way, sir. Look, you shouldn't have the Colonel's

staff car ready for me. I've got to get him to the station.

Me, me, me, me, me, me. It's warming up.

Don't say that anymore. The cold is over. Let it out. Give the old sergeant

thrill. Let's hear it.

Maxwell comes brave!

Back at the enamel, my kids. What are you doing?

You want to ruin your boys playing tricks like that?

What trick, Sarge? It sounded perfectly all right to me. Look how it sounded to

you. I want you to sing exactly as you sang on that record.

But I can't, Sarge. I only sing that way when I have a cold.

A cold. You cured it, Sarge, and I got my real voice back.

Maxwell turns praise up on him when early falls.

Stop, stop, stop. Sarge, it ain't his fault.

It was just a fluke. It's nobody's fault. How did we know that James had

voice?

Not your medium.

Get about.

Playing tricks again, huh?

You tell me something, Rock. How can anything so round sound so flat?

No matter how bad Doberman's voice sounds now, on this record, it'll always

great.

Yep, and... Wait a minute.

Why didn't I see this before?

See what, what?

Doberman, when he made this record of Annie Laurie, he had a cold, right?

Yeah. You mean, why can't he make other records when he has a cold? Why not?

There's a recording company in Topeka, isn't there? Sure.

We're not lost yet. Oh, Doberman, you're going to sneeze us into a fortune.

Every time I hear that, it does something against me, right?

What do you say, Mr. Buckley? Well, I've got to admit, it's a nice voice, Simon,

but it's not the kind that'll sell records.

Mr. Buckley, not only has this boy got it, he's got more of it than anybody

else. Now, wait a minute.

I know it's the record business, and I say this boy won't make it.

Let's get out of here, boys.

No use doing business with the type of man who would probably turn down Crosby,

Cuomo, and Sinatra. That's a lie. I never turned down Sinatra or Cuomo. Ah,

you turned down Crosby, Fessup, huh?

That was years ago.

And what would you say if some fellow walked into your office and went, boo

-boo -boo -boo?

I thought you didn't know.

Look, it's the American way to forgive anybody, one mistake.

Well, that's very kind of you, Sergeant. But two mistakes, that would be

unforgivable, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

Just think, boo -boo -boo -boo -boo.

All right.

All right.

We'll make a recording with your boy. Bring him in tomorrow.

Tomorrow. We've got to... Oh.

We can't make it tomorrow, Mr. Buckley. What's the matter? Is he sick? No, he's

well. Well, the only other recording date I have open is, let's see, Friday.

Friday, and you won't regret it. We'll have him here. Let me give you a little

tip, Mr. Buckley. Get a hold of all the recording racks you can lay your hands

on. You're going to be selling a million records.

Come on, boys.

I think tomorrow is Friday.

We've got to give Doberman a call before that recording session starts.

Besides, maybe you could send him outside after he takes a shower.

Doberman takes a shower.

Sergeant, you better take Mullen off the duty roster. He went to the hospital.

What's the matter with Mullen? Nothing serious, just a cold.

Yeah. Everybody catches a cold with Doberman. No, Mullen didn't catch a

They gave it to him. It's part of an experiment.

They gave him a cold?

They gave him a cold?

Now that's what I call a hospital.

That is amazing.

Amazing. Sir, tell me more of your noble experiment. Well, it's really very

simple, Sergeant Belko. You see, the Army is trying to develop a permanent

vaccine. So we inject our volunteers with cold virus, which gives them the

common cold.

Glorious. Glorious. And you actually give the men the cold. Yes, and once

flourishing, we see if we can cure it with a cold vaccine.

I can't get over it. You actually give the men the cold.

Hello, Ernie. Hello, Martin. You're doing a grand job. You sound fine.

Ernie.

The men who are... Amazing.

Amazing. This is the biggest thing since Yellow Jack.

Yes, but we need all the men we can get. I was hoping you'd say that, Doctor.

Could you use another volunteer?

Fine, Sergeant. How do you spell the name?

D -O -B -E -R.

I told Doberman he was going to volunteer. He was actually thrilled.

Did you hear from Rocco? Yeah, he told me he's just leaving the hospital with

Doberman. How's his call? Oh, it's a beaut. What a poor kid. But he'll thank

for the rest of his life. Believe me, when he finds... Ah, Mr. Buckley! Well,

where is he? Where is your singer?

Don't worry, sir. He'll be here.

Good. You know, I'm going in this thing in a big way, Bilko. I've got disc

jockeys lined up all over the country just waiting for the album. Oh, speaking

of the album, Mr. Buckley, I went to the liberty of making this album cover. How

do you like that?

Dwayne Doberman, sing!

It's things like this that... Well, here's the quartet. Hey, Mr. Buckley,

where's Doberman? We haven't had a chance to go through the number with him

That's right, Sergeant.

The boys had to rehearse the number, you know. Nothing to worry about. I made

this arrangement. I know every note. But suppose I fill in for Doberman until he

gets here. And when he does get here, the boys will be rehearsed. And when you

go, I'll make the record, okay? Fine.

All right, boys, come here. I'll show you how it goes.

Now, look, you all got your arrangements?

I didn't want to say this in front of Mr. Buckley. Now, look, boys, this is

opportunity as well. Because Doberman has gone right to the top.

and he's going to take you with him. All I ask is a fair shake. Do the song as

written, back him up, and give me a nice musical application.

Now, let's try it from the top. You all got your parts?

One, two.

One, two.

What is that?

I said bagpipe effect.

You know what I mean? You're giving me a... Sounds like an all -clear signal

a crap game. You know, give it to me.

Right. One.

And.

Maxwell. Maxwell.

Maxwell. Maxwell. Maxwell.

Maxwell. Maxwell.

Maxwell.

are now a trio. Come on, get out of here. Take it from me. Let it be.

And it was a... Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell, Nell,

Nell,

Doom and deep.

Bonnie Annie Laurie, she's crazy. Morning Laurie, not many more. Morning

Bonnie Annie Laurie.

How do you do it?

What do you do it? You think Goldman would stand for this? I'm warning you.

going to get another quartet if you're going to... Here he is, golden boy.

Wait till you hear the... What? How do you feel?

Hey, see that? They'll be yelling in my ear. I can't hear a word you're saying.

Listen, Sarge, he can't talk.

Who needs him to talk? I want him to sing. No, no, Sarge, he's got

Well, I'll sue that. I'll be out -contacted for a cold, not laryngitis.

You're not going to get away with this, did you, Mr. Sarge? Oh, there's

Doberman. Well, I certainly have been looking forward to meeting you.

How's your voice today?

I have an idea.

Instead of Dwayne Doberman sings, how about Dwayne Doberman whispers? Wouldn't

that be a better idea? This is kind of boring. How about Dwayne Doberman gets

out of the studio with his manager? You don't understand, Mr. Buckley. They

framed me. I want them to have a slight call because it gives them a reason.

Out! But you don't understand. I want to make the record. Out!

All right, we'll go.

And don't forget, you're the man to turn down Crosby. And you've done it again.

Boy, Ernie, we really blew it. Now, look, Buckley isn't the only guy making

records. All we've got to do is wait for Doblin to catch a cold naturally. We

make a batch of records and we're in.

I still got the original. Hey, did you tell Doblin we were waiting? He's coming

with the doctor now.

Wayne, baby boy. Hiya, Sarge. Listen to this. He can talk. Yes, Doberman's doing

fine. As a matter of fact, I plan to discharge him tomorrow.

Good boy, Doberman. We got big plans for you. Yes, you may be interested in

knowing that Doberman is the only man who responded to the cold vaccine.

That a boy, Dobby. He's probably the only man in the country who'll never

cold again. Isn't it? What the...

Will this affect his voice, Doctor?

Oh, I doubt that it'll affect his voice much. It might pitch it a little higher.

Matter of fact, it might make him a tenor.

But thank you very much, Sergeant, for bringing him in. You like what happens

me?

Don't worry, I'll think of something. We've still got the original. Come on,

let's go.

The

doctor

was right. He's a tenor.

were to change by tomorrow and bleed in my

arms.

Like fairy children, the wings.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.