Original subtitles

You know where the Form 20s are?

I don't know. Sylvia always took care of that.

She had to be transferred. When's the colonel getting a new secretary? I can't

find anything.

Personnel just sent over this list of names and records, but I haven't had

to look at it yet. Well, she can't get here too soon. For me, everything's a

mess. I've never seen so much work in all my life. Oh, we've stumbled into the

wrong place, gentlemen. This must be backstage at the Follies.

Here,

girl. Mr. Phony Bologna.

Phony Bologna? Did you hear that? Is that a good one?

Phony Bologna.

Clever. Clever.

She must have been mingling with an old coward set again.

I don't want any. Do you mind?

This is not for sale. It's a gift for the past Sylvia. Will you please tell

Ernie is here?

Oh, another present for the Colonel's secretary.

Let's see. Last week when you gave her the bottle of arpeggio, it was for you

and your platoon to get you out of bivouac. Well, Sylvia is very

She understood instinctively we're not the outdoor type.

What do you want this time, a discharge from the army? I'd rather not discuss

this with you. Will you just get Sylvia, please? Where is Sylvia?

Where is she?

Sylvia! You'll have to sing a little louder if you want her to hear you.

in Washington.

Washington? If she's testifying against me, I'll deny everything. They can't

prove it.

She was transferred to administration school.

Administration, Sylvia?

Oh, Edna, you might as well have this. I know it's not regulation, but it'll

look lovely on your bed.

Thanks. I suppose now that Sylvia's gone, you'll be the colonel's new right

-hand girl?

No. Well, you don't want this, does you?

Which one of you American beauties will be the colonel's new secretary?

None of us. The colonel's new secretary is in this envelope.

And when I pick her, Bilko, I'll pick her for the colonel, not for you.

Oh, I see. I do hope she's cooperative. Why don't we just look at the... Stop

it, Edna. That's no... Stop it.

You don't have no chief... Stop it, Edna. What are you doing here?

Now, Hollywood is kind enough to send us one of its brightest stars, and I gave

you an assignment to drive him around.

Now, you don't expect Cary Grant to drive the Jeep by himself now, do you?

mean Cary Grant is here?

Of course, didn't you know he's over at the PX? Did you see him, Hen? Sure, he's

hopping around out there yelling, Judy, Judy, Judy.

Cary Grant here! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You watch the door, let me know the minute

they come back.

Well, Edna's gone. The least we can do is help her pick up the new secretary.

Todd, you can't do that. That's more private. What am I doing? I'm looking

private secretary.

Don't you understand?

Our way of life is being threatened.

You mean we've got to get somebody we can trust. Somebody who'll misplace the

aside. A nice, friendly type that'll keep our names off the duty roster.

They're all cute. Look at these pictures. All pretty girls. Let's see

got to choose one that'll help us.

Helen Milken.

In the army three months now. She'll be too eager to make good. We don't want

her. Louise Jones.

Married three times now. Bitter. Bitter.

In the army ten years.

Probably knows all about me. What about this one?

Blanche Ripley.

Pretty good. Right age, right amount of time in the army. Look at this.

Pleasant face.

Pleasantly stationed at Camp Miller.

This is the one for us boys. Yeah, but Ernie, how are you going to be sure Edna

will pick her?

You don't understand about women at all, do you, Hans?

Yes,

sir. You still got your sister's picture in the wallet?

Yeah, but you told me to take it off the wall. Give me the picture. But, Sarge,

you said you don't want her to look at it. This is an emergency. Give it to me.

Here.

Hold this picture.

Wait till Edna sees this.

You know what they say, one picture is worth a thousand words. Well, this

picture will speak volumes.

But I still don't get it, Ernie. Look.

Sarge, the girls are coming back. You'll get it. You'll get it.

Blanche Ripley, welcome to Fort Baxter. Move. Move. Straight out.

Hey, Phil.

What's the idea of telling us Cary Grant was here?

Cary Grant? Who's...

I said, Harry Grant, a well -known stuntman. My diction, I must practice

Well, let's leave these young ladies to their work, especially you, Edna. You

have a large responsibility picking the Colonel's secretary.

Let me worry about that.

I must say I admire your attitude.

What attitude? Oh, there's no avarice in you, none at all. Here is the

competition on the post.

Three girls for every guy, does that bother her? Not good old Edna, she's one

the boys. Give her a good book to cuddle up with and she's all set. Will you get

out of here, Bilko? I've got work to do. Do me a favor, sugar.

Pick a pretty one for Rainy.

Read girls to every man?

Hey, girls, you can tell the colonel I just picked his new secretary. Get a

of this.

Blanche Ripley.

She's sweet. She sure is. A living doll.

Good night.

Blanche.

Bill. Gee, it was a swell evening.

I hate to say good night. Me too, but it's late. You better go.

See you tomorrow. Okay, Blanche.

Good night, baby.

I'll see you in the morning.

Hey, Ripley, where have you been?

Hey, Ripley.

Where have you been?

Heaven, I think.

Well, come back to Earth. I got news for you. He asked me to go study with him

tonight. Who?

Bill Harrison. Oh, Julie, as far as I'm concerned, this is it.

Well, as far as the Army's concerned, that was it. You better start packing

right away.

Packing? Yes, you've been transferred.

What? You've got to leave for Fort Baxter first thing in the morning.

But Bill and I, they can't do this to me.

Gee, I'm sorry, Blanche.

Here are your orders.

I never mentioned this on the recruiting posters.

I've been looking at your record. You seem quite capable.

Thank you, sir. I'm sure it will get along.

And here's something you can handle right away.

Yes.

He certainly picks a bad picture.

I'm a little sad. Did the Colonel give you a rough time?

No, he was very nice. Do you always feel like that? I'm sorry.

It's just that part of me is still back at Cat Miller.

Oh, a boyfriend, huh? That's right.

Tough luck, kid.

But you'll get over it. I don't want to get over it.

Why did they have to transfer me here? Out of all the girls in the army, they

had to take me. Excuse me. I was looking for Corporal Ripley. I'm Corporal

Ripley. You can't be.

My boys who picked you up at the station must be lying.

They told me you were pretty. So naturally, I wasn't prepared for this

loveliness. But you're good, young miss, right?

Early Olivia Doblin, right?

You must be Sergeant Bilko. But of course.

Thank you for the reception committee. Oh, just our way of welcoming you

And may I present you with this box of candy from the congenial, friendly,

cooperative boys at the motor pool. And these lovely twin bed lamps, which I'm

sure will make your dreary barracks a home away from home. One's AC and one's

DC, just in case.

Why, thank you, Sergeant. I just don't know what to say. Oh, I'm sure you'll

find some way to express your gratitude, like baking a cake, knitting a sock.

Like keeping you off the duty roster.

Well, if you can bake or knit, that would be splendid.

I guess I do owe you something, Sergeant Bilko. You can depend upon me to be

cooperative.

What's up, Guy? And it finally happened. We've met the one girl in a million. I

want this girl taken care of. I want to jeep at her disposal every time she goes

in town, get sick and call a pipe, high -five into her room and connect these

lands. Say, you seem to run Fort Baxter pretty well here. Well, my dear,

officially it's known as Fort Baxter, but off the record, this is Bilko's

country club.

You know, I'm beginning to feel better about being in Fort Baxter already.

Oh, believe me, Glantz, you're going to love it around here.

And do you know who got you here? No, who? The colonel? No.

Military personnel?

No. Who?

Little old me, that's who.

You got me here? Yes, I did. There was a lot of girls who wanted what I said.

No, I know one girl, and that's the girl that I'm talking about. Did you assign

any men to the garbage detail?

The garbage detail?

Yes, sir.

Sergeant Bilko and his whole platoon.

I like the way you think, Corporal. You're going to be very valuable around

here.

Don't get like that. The girl takes it seriously. Out.

No, no, you don't understand. If he sees that you put me on beat, he'll think

I'm gone. Out. Look, if you don't like to laugh, you'll change him. Out.

Out. All right. Oh, this is a flip. The pouch is for the girl.

arrived four days ago. We've been pulling every dirty, miserable detail in

You said you'd have it right in the palm of your hand. All I see is a

paintbrush. What do you want from me? How did I know she had a boyfriend in

Mellon and she didn't want to leave? I always dreamed of being in the whacked

barracks, but not as a painter.

What do you want from me? I'm helping you, ain't I? I'm helping too. Hey,

What? What is it? What? You'll be through here. About an hour.

Good. Here's an order from the colonel's office.

When you get through here, you and your men are to clean the furnace in the

officer's club.

The Batgirl has struck again.

It's like being a prisoner of war.

Yeah, that's right. War is right. War she wants and war she's going to get.

your brushes, men. You've drawn the last work to do.

Goldman, get some coffee. Come with me.

Hey, what are you so busy about? I'm writing a letter to Bill. He just wrote

this morning. I want to make sure he doesn't forget me.

Papa Ripley, we just got through painting your barracks, and now we're

the next detail.

I think you said something about a furnace. Hey, what's the matter with

Doberman? His face is all puffed up. Just a slight case of pain poisoning.

Pain poisoning?

Ours is not the reason why. Ours is about the paint and dye. Something about

the... What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing. I'm all right. I'm lucky. It's just a little pain poisoning. The

boys in Doberman, they got it much worse than I have.

Do the others have it, too? Oh, but they'll be along any minute now. Captain

Masters is examining them. He's giving them an X -ray treatment right now.

I know, I know it hurts, but you're a soldier. Bear up.

How about these orders?

Look, Sergeant, why don't you and the men forget about that furnace detail

tomorrow when you feel better? These orders are orders, and these are your

orders.

Headquarters, Corporal Ripley.

Oh, yes, Captain Masters.

I know Sergeant Belko just told me about it. The men are in your office now.

What's Sergeant Belko doing on his feet? I ordered that man to bed.

Nurse, give that man a sedative to ease his pain.

Sorry for the interruption. Corporal Ripley, I have never seen such extreme

cases of pain poisoning and exhaustion.

I want these men relieved of all further duty.

Yes, Captain Masters, they'll have plenty of rest.

No work details.

Three -day passes?

Yes,

Captain. I understand.

You can depend on me. I'll see that all your instructions are carried out.

Pardon me, Corporal. Is Colonel Hall in?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, he's out. Who shall I take home? Captain Masters with the hospital

report. Captain Masters!

We have to take care of the clinic. Wait a minute, Sergeant.

Oh, nothing wrong, sir. He likes to eat cotton. I told him never to. You'll

spoil the dinner. Spit it out. Come now.

You'll be sure to get him the report. Yes, Captain Masters.

And now, Captain Masters, you and your staff will join Sergeant Belko in the

basement of the officer's club and start cleaning out the furniture.

Basically, they'll be able to identify it. All right, move it. Get back there

and help me. I can't work anymore. My sacroiliac is out. Me too. I've had

enough. How do you get out of this chicken house?

What is this, a mutiny? You want to wind up in a godhouse? A godhouse will be

like the French Riviera after this.

You've got to do something. Get rid of her, will you? What do you want me to

Come on, Sarge.

Well, get a load of this, Bo Brumell. What are you, too good for us? Why

you on the detail?

Sarge, I've got to get the talent vote.

Vote? What, you've got your own election?

You don't vote with anybody else?

Well, Sarge, it's not that kind of an election.

It's a contest to elect a Miss Roosevelt.

I'm going to vote for this one.

Look at this. Miss Roosevelt contest nearing end.

Lucky winner to receive all -expense trip to Switzerland.

Switzerland. I wish somebody sent that Corporal Ripley to Switzerland.

Just get her out of here. Yeah. Well, Switzerland isn't too far, but it'll do.

Wait a minute. You mean Miss Roosevelt, Corporal Ripley, Corporal Ripley,

Miss... Why not?

She's got my behind.

Personally, I'm going to vote for Hildy Schmidt.

If I hear this shit, I've got one vote. I want it. Come on, get dressed. All

right, men, this is it.

Liberation day.

You want to enter a girl in the Miss Roseville contest now? That's right,

Bergen. Here she is. She's a sweet girl. They just love her in Switzerland. And

we'd love her in Switzerland, too, wouldn't we, boys? The contest is over

tomorrow. She couldn't possibly get enough votes to win. Excuse me. Here's 1

,486 votes from the men at Fort Baxter, sir. Oh, hey.

As far as you can see by today's Roseville Gazette, the three finalists

hundreds of votes ahead of her, with only one day left.

She couldn't possibly get enough votes to win. Oh, darn.

Well, won't you just accept this entry as a token to the men of Fort Baxter?

I'll break the bad news to Miss Ripley myself. Your Honor, Councilman Frank is

waiting. Oh, yeah. Excuse me, boys. Yes, sir.

There it is. There are the three girls who are standing between Blanche and

Switzerland. Lovely girls they are, too.

Carl Williams, Lucille Lyons, Barbara Ritter. Oh, that's sweet.

I just hope these poor souls haven't packed their skis yet. Have you got a

Click, click, click, click.

Miss Carter -Williams? Yes? We are members of the screening committee of

Miss Roseville contest. Oh, well, won't you come in? We do hate to disturb you,

but it's been agreed that you most likely will win the contest. However, we

make sure of your qualifications.

Qualifications? Good heavens, miss, you don't think we're going to send a young

lady all the way to Switzerland just because she's pretty? You must have

qualifications. The list, Mr. Barbella. List? Oh, what's on the list? Well, I'm

ashamed to have to tell you here, but it does say you must dance. Oh, that's all

right. No, I've studied ballet for years. Oh, really? But it says here

specifically tap dancing, and if you don't, it's quite all right. No, how's

that? What?

Well, it'll probably pass.

No doubt. Oh, yes. It also says she must be a collator, a soprano. Now, nobody

does that.

Almost forgot this. Yes. It says here you must play a musical instrument. Oh,

I've played the violin for years.

Well, we'll get in touch with you, Miss Williams. What do you want from me? Oh,

here. Here. This is when I gave a concert at the town hall. I was only

Oh, really? Yes, and here's a $5 gold piece the conductor gave me.

Five dollars for the child.

Well, that makes you a professional.

That automatically disqualifies you from the contest.

Disqualifies me? Yes, the release fee. Well, I've never heard of anything like

that in my whole life. Please, please, Miss Williams, we don't make the rules.

We just enforce them. You'll just sign here. I think it'll be best for all

consumers. You don't want the adverse publicity. No. Just sign the release,

we'll just forget it until next year when we run it for desperate

You've been splendid about this, and I advise you practice. You have a lot of

time. Please?

Yes.

Just call me Scoop Honey. I'm the head publicity man of the Miss Roseville

contest. And if I knew anything about contests, baby, you're a lead person.

With that face and that figure.

Mom, did you hear that? I'm going to win. How exciting. Is this the mother of

the winner? How are you, sugar? Is this his dad? Is this the sucker who pays all

the bills?

Miss Roseville.

First thing in the morning, I want you in the office. I want to pose you for

some pictures.

Down, honey. You don't get the idea. I want some of this jazz.

You're going to be a bikini.

Bikini? Don't worry, Mom. I'll have the door open. I've been raided before. What

about that?

I go nuts for a little doll with big blue eyes like this. You know what I

Pop? It makes me want to go... Well, I never.

Oh, you must have.

All the way.

All the way.

Don't worry, Pop. We'll take care of you. I'll send you some postcards from

Paris. I'll wrap them in a plain envelope. Get it? You got it?

For a few days, honey, there's a little place on the left bank. Murder? It's

murder. Mister, the only place you're slipping is out of here, and now. What

about the contest? My daughter is out of the contest. Oh, Don.

Well, Sarge? Well, we just took care of Miss Lucille Irons. Now for Miss Barbara

Ritter.

Barbara, look at that. There are three gentlemen to see you. Three gentlemen?

It's regarding the Miss Roseville contest. They say they're from the Swiss

Embassy. How exciting. Show them in, Aunt Hattie. Right this way, gentlemen.

Switzerland welcomes Miss Roseville. Oh, when you come to our magnificent

country, there will be dancing in the streets.

Dance in the streets.

I haven't even won the contest.

Oh, this is not what we hear in Switzerland.

Already we have prepared your chalet in Zurich. Oh, I'm going to stay in a

chalet? Oh, this is only till you are ready to climb the Alps, which you will

with Hans and Fritz. At this time you will go to the peak.

Oh, it's a beautiful sight if you make it, but you have nothing to worry.

They are experts. They have the strong mountain climbing rope. This is made

in Switzerland.

If you don't mind, I'd rather not climb any mountains, please.

But please, if you come to Switzerland, you have to climb the mountain.

Everything is up.

Also, you must exercise.

Also, you freeze.

This is why we have dancing in the street.

You will sign this to this farm, which protects the government if you are

carried off by an eagle. An eagle? I've heard enough. I'm not going to

Switzerland. What?

If you win the contest, you have to come to Switzerland. Well, I'm getting out

of the contest.

I do not blame her.

If it was not my country, I do not go back either.

See what you have done? I

just

can't get over it.

This Ripley girl was a real dark horse.

Just entered the contest yesterday, and overnight she's Miss Roosevelt.

I can't understand it either, sir.

Three leaders dropping out just like that. Yeah.

If I could win an election that easily, I'd run for president.

Say, why isn't she here yet?

Her plane leaves in 45 minutes. I don't know what's keeping her.

Sergeant Bilko said he'd get her here in time for the plane.

I'd better call her.

But, Blanche, I'm on the level with you. You're Miss Roosevelt. Here's your

picture in the paper.

I've heard about all your tricks with fake headlines.

You're not sending me on any wild goose chase. How do you like this? The one

time I'm on a level nobody believes. Now listen, will you let me drive you to

the airport and then we'll send you your calls.

Headquarters, Corporal Ripley.

Oh, you're the mayor. Ah, now you'll believe him. Yes, Mr. Mayor, I heard

it. See?

Oh, that's nice, Mr. Mayor. I should hurry to catch the plane.

I'll get a jeep. All right, Corporal Henshaw, Mr. Mayor, or Captain Nassus,

whatever you call yourself. Hey, what are you doing? Now, Mr. Mayor, let me

you something.

The new soldiers talk like that, but wax.

Hi, Sarge. We've seen your light on.

Why don't you go to sleep?

Yeah, it's three o 'clock in the morning. Who can sleep?

I've got to figure a way to get rid of that Ripley dame. If I could just get a

transfer or something. Oh, give up, Sarge. Look, you can do what you want

us, with the platoon, even with the colonel, but you just can't do anything

that Corporal Ripley.

I've been going about this all wrong.

I've got to open up a second front.

The colonel!

Come on, boys. I've got to get a good night's sleep, so I'll be bright and

in the morning. Go on, go on, go on.

Ross, the colonel.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Here are the progress reports on the overhaul job, sir. Thank you, Bilko.

Anything else? No, sir.

Where are you going, Bilko? Oh, excuse me, sir. I was just checking to see if

what the girls at the outer office are saying is true.

What is it, Bilko?

Please don't be offended, sir, but they say you look just like Ronald Coleman.

We don't look it all the way. Oh, I beg to differ, sir. You're not standing

where I am. There's a striking resemblance when you hold your head a

way.

Oh. Which way?

Hold that, sir.

No wonder your secretary feels the way she does about you, sir.

Blanche? What do you mean? Oh, me and my big mouth.

What is it, Velcro? Oh, surely, sir. You must have seen it.

Seen what?

Sir, the truth of the matter is... The poor girl is hopelessly in love with

sir.

In love with me?

That sweet, nice, young girl? Then you've noticed her, sir?

Oh, but it can't be. Look at the difference in our ages. I'm much older

is. You're right, sir. It's the story of South Pacific all over again.

May and December.

Oh, I wouldn't say December.

You'll do the right thing. I know you've been through this hundreds of times,

sir. Not exactly hundreds of times.

The letters are ready for your signature, sir. Thank you.

about it, sir. She couldn't keep her hands off you.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

Sir, there's only one thing you can do. You must leave the camp for a while

until the poor girl can pull herself together, sir.

You're right.

Wait a minute.

I can't go away.

I'm running the camp.

You'll have to talk with Mrs. Hall.

She's a modern woman. She'll understand. Why don't you just say to her, darling,

you'll have to share me. Never mind.

I know what to do. And she's very progressive. At the bitch club, I've

that these women disgust each other.

Hello, personnel.

Captain Barker.

I want you to arrange an immediate transfer for Corporal Blanche Ripley

Camp Miller.

Yes, first thing in the morning. And get me a new secretary.

And this time, make it a male secretary.

Congratulations, sir.

That's just what Ronald Coleman would have done.

Praise the God of the Bible!

Praise the God of the Bible!

Thanks a lot, boys. Your applause went to my heart, not my head.

Well, did the old Sarge let you down?

It took me a little while. She had me stymied, that Miss Ripley, but when I

my move, I got rid of her.

Poor poor Sarge. A little while I missed you, baby.

Right, come on.

Here we go. Any side bet you did. Can anyone tell me where I can find Corporal

Blanche Ripley?

Corporal Ripley? Yes, she's my sweetheart.

My name is Bill Harrison. Just got in from Camp Miller.

Well, I got good news for you, Bill. You can go right back to Camp Miller,

because that's where Corporal Ripley was transferred to.

Blanche is back at Camp Miller?

Yes, and you know who you can thank for it? Me, Sergeant Ernie Bilko.

You had a transfer? It wasn't easy. Take my advice, pal. Fly back to Camp Miller

into the arms of your loved ones. Yeah, but I can't. I've just been transferred

here. I'm the Colonel's new secretary.

The Colonel's new secretary?

Yes, Sergeant Bilko.

And I'm not going to forget about you.

Smudge. Now what are we going to do?

Stop the panic. Relax.

He's a nice fellow.

It's just a shame about him being in love with the colonel's wife, isn't it?

He's in love with the colonel's wife?

Not yet.

But he will be. Take a letter.

Dear Colonel Hall, please regard this anonymous letter as a token to the

who's always the last to know.

Also seen in tonight's show are Dorothy Stinnett as Corporal Blanche Ripley.

Joan Holloway as Cora Williams, Suzanne Storrs as Lucia Lyons, Mara McAfee as

Barbara Ritter, Lester Mack as the mayor, Barbara Berry as Edna, Billy

Billy, Grace Carney as Mother Lyons, John Cecil Holmes as Father Lyons, and

McEwen as Bill Harrison.